02x03 - Trust the Process

[bunniefuu]

Sorry, what... what did you say?

- I didn't say anything.
- Oh, thought you did.

So what... what's up?

Is this a two-bedroom?

'Cause I can list it as a two-bedroom

if there's a closet in the storage area.

- Is that my condo?
- For now.

Depends on how good your lawyer is.

I can't really afford one.

My best option's Jimmy's cousin

who works in environmental law

and said she'd help me
if I get coffee with her son

who wants to "get into comedy," which...

is worth... is worth it.

[BUS HORN HONKS]

Ah, there she is.

Wow.

Gorgeous.

- Hi, Deborah.
- I am so sorry that we are late.

We had to stop at an outlet
mall because someone...

uh, thought that you could
sleep on jersey sheets.

You must be the tour manager.

- Yep. Name's Alice.
- Everybody calls me "Weed."

I know what you're thinking,
but I don't touch the stuff.

That's a nickname Pete Wentz gave me.

And once Pete gives you
a nickname, it... it sticks.

[LAUGHING]

I don't know, it sounds like it sticks

'cause that's how you introduce yourself.

You security?

No, this is Ava, the defendant.

Oh, she's suing me.

- I think as a bit.
- It's not a bit.

Not my business. Number one rule:

Weed stays outta the drama.

All right, we're supposed
to be on the road hours.

We're already behind schedule,

but I know Phil's
gonna make that up for us.

Best driver in the biz.

And Danny here's gonna
get your car back to Vegas.

[WHEEZING]

You'll sit on a towel?

Yes, ma'am.

- Load it up!
- Jesus.

[MAN CONTINUES WHEEZING]

[CLASSICAL PIANO MUSIC]

Here we are, huh?

- [LAUGHS]
- Oh!

Welcome to paradise.

Very nice...

Pete and I used to play dice... right here.

You know him? Now, he's f*cking funny.

Woman's obsessed with Pete Wentz.

The customizations went great,

and we got the soda machine.

- Oh, Damien, you did good.
- Yep. Got a lotta snacks.

- We got tons of booze!
- Oh, that's awesome,

but actually I won't be having
any of that stuff.

I'm doing no dr*gs, alcohol, junk food,

screen time... trying to be good, you know,

make a big change in my life, so...

Yeah. I don't know
what you were like before,

so that's not really
gonna... register for me.

Here's the pisser.

Oh, which reminds me

the number one rule on the bus.

No number two.

- I don't know.
- I heard the number one rule is

"Weed doesn't get involved in the drama."

Oh, there you go.

Say it louder for the folks up front.

Here's your bunk, kid.

Oh, uh...

- Sorry, this is where I sleep?
- Yeah.

It's, uh, it's tight. Less of a bed.

More of a sliver.

You don't sleep on your side, do you?

'Cause that's probably not
gonna work dimension wise.

It's not the Ramada,
but you got your privacy.

Sorry, um, I wanna be a team player here,

but, I mean, why is it so small...

because of this tanning bed?

It's not a tanning bed.

That's my regenerative
LED light therapy bed.

[MACHINE HUMS]

Okay. And where do you sleep?

Me, I'm up in the passenger seat.

I'm an upright sleeper.

- Isn't that uncomfortable?
- No way.

After years on the road,

that's the only way I can sleep.

At home, the only thing
you'll find in my bedroom

is a La-Z-Boy.

I'm gonna outlive all of you.

Horizontal sleeping is terrible for you.

- Blood pools up... it's poisonous.
- Huh.

Interesting that's not more widely known.

Yeah, well, that's
the mattress industry for you.

You see, they're stuffing
beds into boxes now,

sending them through the mail?

What's that about?

Think it's just about people getting beds,

but, hey, is there a place
I can store my stuff?

Yeah, you got a hook.

Right there.

- A hook?
- Here's your room, Deb.

- [LAUGHS]
- Holy sh*t!

Yes, very nice.

Much better master bedroom
than the last time

I was on one of these things.

Oh, um, you actually

shouldn't say "master bedroom" anymore

'cause the term is rooted in sl*very.

Not your problem to solve.

Lunch hours!

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS]

Let's go Phil!

♪ ♪

[BACK-UP BEEPING]

Can I get you something, Miss Loretta?

Oh, no, I'm not hungry.

Come on, come shopping with us.

You can help me pick out a outfit

for Edna's birthday celebration.

You never take my fashion advice.

Well, you don't really know that much

about women's bodies, you know?

Come on, it'll be fun.

- Mom.
- What?

I know what you're doing,

and you don't have to babysit me.

I'm fine... it was practically
a mutual breakup.

These are stale.

Honey...

have you even talked to Wilson at all?

No, I blocked his number.

- Marcus.
- Marcus!

Okay, don't say "Marcus" in unison to me.

Talking is not going to change anything.

He has a job. I have a career.

- It's never going to work.
- Oh, okay.

Well, can, um, can I keep talking to him?

No!

Okay, I won't.

- But if Roman Reigns...
- Mm!

Ever goes to the AEW,

can I at least DM him?

Sure, Mom.

If Roman Reigns gets to AEW,

you can DM my ex-boyfriend.

Whoo! Okay.

- And thank you, baby.
- Mm-mm, girl,

these spicy cashews is good.

- I-I'ma take these to go.
- Gimme one.

- Enjoy.
- Mm-mm. You're on high

blood pressure medicine.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ ♪

♪ The love bus ♪

Hurry up. I got us eating for ...

no more, no less.

Butts in seats, axles moving at : !

- Got it!
- We know!

- Okay. So that is the diner.
- I called ahead.

They do not have
Nancy's organic cottage cheese.

But I'm going to go to that grocery store

where they do have it,
and the manager promised me

that they will plate it for you.

Oh, fabulous, thank you, Damien.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm gonna run over
to that cell phone store.

Could you grab me something to go,

like whatever vegan option they have?

You know, the veggie burgers
at these places

can really surprise you.

That's why I started taking
Ape-Brain nootropix,

and I'm thinking better,

I'm pumping better, I'm feeling better.

- Hi.
- Oh, uh, Hi.

I'm, uh, I'm looking for a new phone.

Uh, so like an upgrade?

Mmm, no. Downgrade.

I just need a phone that
doesn't have access

to email, internet, social
media... just like a dumb phone,

basically like a brick.

Okay, uh...

Ah. So this is a really basic flip phone.

I got it as a buyback from a lady

who got it for her husband
who needed really big buttons

'cause of his dementia, but...

he just, d... um, doesn't need it anymore.

I...

love it.

Crazy. All right.

[BEEPING]

Where is she?

I think she went to go get a new phone.

I don't know, I wasn't listening.

- The girl talks too slow.
- Oh, speaking of phones,

I want everybody's phones
collected at the show tonight.

I don't want anybody recording material

that I'm still working out.

Show's nowhere near ready.

Yeah, the Faraday bags
have not arrived yet,

but it is Okay.

I have it all worked out.

- You're nine minutes late.
- We got a problem?

You gonna be an issue for me?

Oh, sorry, sorry.

I just... I saw this water bottle,

and I needed to get it.

All right, guys. This tour schedule

is one of the most ambitious
I've ever seen,

and it only works
if we stick to the itinerary.

We got it?

- Got it.
- Okay.

Can... can...

- Okay. Sorry.
- Jesus Christ.

Let's go, Phil. [ENGINE TURNS]

Hmm.

Could I maybe take out one
of your creams from the fridge

just to store something temporarily?

Absolutely not.

Okay, sorry.

Was just looking for
a spot for my kombucha.

Kombucha doesn't need to be refrigerated.

It's made in a bathtub.

Well, actually, if it's not kept cold,

it'll keep fermenting in the
bottle and it can explode.

Oh God, fine here. Give it to me.

Thanks.

- [BOTTLE SHATTERS]
- Oh!

Hm. You were right, it did explode.

♪ ♪

So I went from sitcom star to being

the crazy lady who b*rned down
her ex-husband's house.

But I didn't do it.

Yeah. The only thing I've ever b*rned

was a bridge with "Hollywood Squares"

when they put me in the upper left.

Come on, you'd laugh if you knew

how bad the upper left was...
it was next to Paul Lynde,

and he had the worst pastrami bur...

Hello, Deborah.

We miss you.

And we wanted to tell you
someone was a very brave boy

about getting his a**l glands
expressed today.

- [DEBORAH MOCK GASPS]
- The vet says

no more spraying them with perfume anymore,

unfortunately. [DOGS PANTING, WHINING]

: a.m., QVC check in-call...

send an answer to Dr. Scholls emails...

and you need to get... pellet ice.

Damien, you're talking in your sleep again.

Shut up about Deborah's schedule.

Mmm.

Oh, my God. Sirius XM!

[AVA GROANS]

Stop!

[BUS BRAKES SQUEAL, THUDDING]

[AVA GROANS]

[BRAKES HISS] Oh...

Oh my god... f*ck...

[CONTINUES GROANING]

What happened?

Did we hit something?

Deborah saw a yard sale.

Oh, oh, f*ck.

[BACKGROUND CHATTER]

Kidding me? You are kidding me.

[DEBORAH GASPS]

Oh that's nice.

Isn't that fun? Yeah.

[LOW CHATTER CONTINUES]

- Excuse me, is this yours?
- Yeah, yeah.

Yes, what are you asking for it?

- Uh, I can do .
- Huh. .

[WHISPERING] They don't know
what they've got.

This worth grand.

Um, there's kind of
a sizable nick on this side

and some scratches here.

Gonna have to refinish the whole thing.

Um, would you take ?

Come on.

Please?

[GIGGLES]

- Yeah Okay, sure.
- Thank you!

How're you gonna get this thing on the bus?

[GRUNTING]

Watch the finials. Watch the finials!

This was an unscheduled stop.

Do not get in your heads that there will be

unscheduled stops.

If you need to make an unscheduled stop,
you have to schedule it with me first.

Okay, we get it.

Deborah, where're we going with this?

Right... right there.

Hold on that's right in front of my bunk.

Are you kidding me?

I know. You're gonna have to move it

every time I want to use my LED bed.

[SMALL LAUGH]

[DEBORAH SIGHS]

You know, I'll think about
storing it under the bus,

but only after we get a furniture pad.

- Mmm.
- So it's good here?

- Yes, thank you, Phil.
- You got it.

Okay. What's going on?

Why is she being meaner to you than usual?

I was mad

and I got drunk and high,

and I sent a very
revealing email about her,

and how she's suing me
for violating my NDA.

- Ugh...
- I know I shouldn't have.

No, I just hate it when she doesn't keep me

looped into new lawsuits.

So, yeah.

Pretty much ruined everything,

- and she hates me now.
- I don't get it.

I mean, why doesn't she just fire you?

She loves f*ring people.

I don't know, I guess
'cause I'm her joke writer

and I'm funny.

Hmm. Mm-hmm. No, not to me.

Ah, I'm not trying to be rude.

It's just, I don't like comedy.

Like... like all comedy?

I mean, everyone's trying too hard.

It's like so awkward.

You are...

right, actually.

You guys see this? cents.

[LAUGHING]

[ENERGETIC MUSIC]

- Cellphone?
- Here you go.

You are number . Remember that.

Okay.

- Next?
- Hi, here you go.

All right. You're number .

Please remember that.

And everyone, please remember your number

to collect your phone after the show.

Thank you so much.

[DISTANT LAUGHTER]

[ANNOUNCER IN BACKGROUND]

Oh, actually, I thought of a tag

for that business manager run...

Just put it on an index card.

You sounded great out there.

Thank you.

[MUFFLED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Oh, hey, great, set.

Oh, uh, yeah. Oh, thank you so much.

You're an excellent joke writer.

Believe me, those are hard to find.

Oh my God.

Uh, wow, that means
so much coming from you.

Oh, Thanks.

Honestly, I was like obsessed

with your Oxygen special when I was ten.

I used to tell your altar boy g*ngb*ng joke

to kids at recess.

How did it do?

Oh, k*lled!

Definitely worth the suspension.

[LAUGHS]

Oh God!

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, come... come sit.

Okay. Sure.

- Oh, you've pretty hands.
- Ah.

No, really, you could be a hand model.

- Oh, they're so delicate.
- Thank you.

Oh, I am being so rude,
Ava, it's Lori, right?

Could you get Lori and I couple
of ice waters from the bar?

- Yeah, no problem.
- Thanks.

- And this is a great look.
- The overalls?

Oh, yeah. No, love that.

- Oh, cool.
- I should try that.

- What do you think?
- Yeah, you should.

- That sounds fun.
- You can go now.

Okay.

Um... thank you.

[KNOCKING]

Oh, Josefina, you look really nice.

Thank you. Can you button me up?

Sure, yeah.

You know, if this is a move, I am gay.

[LAUGHS] I have a date.

Oh, I didn't know you were dating.

Well, I wasn't. But with Deborah gone,

I finally started having
nights to myself, and...

I got tired of coming home
to an empty house.

Was it scary to get back out there?

It was at first,
but once I made the choice,

it was great.

And now I've had five dates with Vernon

and I finally met his kids.

They all have the same haircut,

but I don't know yet if it's intentional.

Huh, okay, well, you're all set.

Thank you.

I love those earrings, by the way.

- They're Deborah's.
- Oh...

Shh. Don't tell her, or I'll
tell her you were the one

who put the marshmallow
in the panini maker.

My lips are sealed.

- Have fun.
- Thank you.

Don't stay here too late.

You work too hard, Marcus.

- Good night.
- Good night.

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ ♪

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Apparently, I wasn't the best mother.

In fact, I was officially the worst,

according to the "National Enquirer."

No, it's true, in ' , I was number one

on their list of worst moms.

And that was the year Baby
Jessica fell down that well.

[LAUGHTER] But I thought, you know,

they don't know a thing about me.

But then I made their list of best-dressed,

so I thought, well, maybe they do know

what they're talking about.

[LIGHT LAUGHTER]

You don't have it written down anywhere?

No, no, I do not, because
I told you to remember it.

Um, uh, what's your number?

He said he doesn't remember it.

- His cell phone number.
- Just dial it from my phone.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

- Shh! Shh!
- [PHONE BUZZING]

I'm following the buzz.

[PHONE BUZZING]

- How was the show?
- Horrible.

Yes. Not a great set.

Oh, yeah. Only one show, right?

You're only as good as your last show.

Where are we tomorrow night?

OKC, sold-out house.

Oh, thank God. I always do well there.

I need this.

Do you wanna work on
the "National Enquirer" bit?

No, I want you to work on it while I rest.

I haven't been sleeping. It's not helping.

- I hear you, Deb.
- Not sleeping great myself.

This chair reclines way too much.

[LOUD THUD, CLATTERING]

[GROANS]

Oh f*ck...

Passing on the Chobani ad...

f*ck.

Oh, sh*t!

[HYPERVENTILATING]

- What are you doing?
- f*ck!

What?

What is going on?

Have you seen a tennis ball canister?

It was in my backpack,
and it's really important.

Yeah, I threw that out.

What?

Yeah, just some dirt
in a tennis ball canister

was rolling around the bus, so I tossed it.

Tha... that dirt was my dad.

Those are his ashes!

- What the f*ck...
- Oh my God.

- You threw them out?
- They were on the ground!

Yeah, well, they probably
fell out of my bag

'cause all I have for storage
on this stupid bus

is a f*cking hook!

Well, sorry. I texted you.

- No, you didn't!
- Yes, I did.

I sent you a photo.

I said, "Is this yours
or can I throw it out?"

Well, I never got it 'cause I have a stupid

old flip phone that can't get pictures.

Oh, you should get a smartphone.

They're a game changer.

I know about smart phones!

I'm trying to be a good person,
you dumb bitch!

What is happening?

Why the f*ck is my La Mer on the ground?

We threw away Ava's dad's ashes.

Oh, Jesus.

- It was an accident.
- Where?

Where did you throw them out?

Uh... musta been when I had supper

at McDonald's, Burger King, or Wendy's.

Or? You don't f*cking
remember where you ate dinner?

Yeah, I remember. I ate at all three.

I like the fries at McDonald's,
the burgers at Burger King,

charbroiled, and the Frostys at Wendy's.

So, yeah, it's probably
in the trash at one of those.

- Okay, we have to go back.
- I have to get it...

No, no. Sorry about your papa.

That's my bad. But we're way too far away.

We got to get to Oklahoma.
We can't double back now,

or it's gonna throw the whole schedule off.

Oh my God, fine!

Then just stop the bus and drop me off.

I'll call an Uber.

Uh, without a smartphone?

f*ck! I'll hitchhike.

Just please stop the bus.

- Please, Phil, pull over.
- No, Phil, do not pull over.

- Please pull over!
- Phil, do not pull over!

- Please I need to get off!
- Stop!

Turn the bus around.

- Deb...
- Turn the bus around.

Phil!

Turn it around!

Girl, are you gonna play a word tonight?

It's your turn.

- Is it?
- I think so.

- I'm drunk.
- Me too.

[LAUGHTER]

Hello, we're home.

- [WHISPERING] "We're"?
- [WHISPERING] "We're"?

Oh my God, it's a little puppy.

Mom, Miss Loretta, this is Joe.

Okay, wait, wait, wait,
don't crowd him, Loretta,

- 'cause you'll make him nervous.
- Oh.

- Suckah!
- Oh f*ck you, bitch.

Gimme the dog.

Let me see, you baby...

When did you become a dog guy?

Since I made the choice to be one.

Oh, look at his little doggy d*ck.

- Look at the little puppy...
- Loretta.

- Give me the dog back.
- I just wanted to see

- if it was a boy...
- That wasn't me, that was her.

No, it's both of y'all.

She ruined it for the both of you.

I just wanted to see if boy or a girl.

- I said his name is Joe.
- See what you did?

Joe can be a girl's name.

You know, like in "Little Women."

- What?
- You know.

Okay, no, I don't know.

Everybody read "Little
Women" in school, baby.

I went to school with white folk.

[GROANS] It wasn't at the first two places.

It has to be here.

[CLATTERING CONTINUES]

For Christ's sake!

Phil, hold this.

[STIRRING MUSIC]

♪ ♪

I already went through that. Ugh...

Ohh... what the f*ck?

- Wait, what's that?
- What's that, what's that?

- What?
- On your left under that shoe.

[GASPS]

[SCREAMS] Yes! [VOICE ECHOES]

Oh my God, thank you guys so much.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, Damien?

- Find us a bar.
- On it.

[SOFT POP MUSIC, LOW CHATTER]

♪ ♪

No dirty martini?

Oh no.

Can't trust them
to make a good martini here.

No, you only order white wine
in a bar on the road,

because a cheap red is always
terrible, but a cheap white

at least you can live with,
'cause it's chilled.

Ah.

Thank you for that.

I know you really don't owe me anything,

so I appreciate it.

And I'm sorry I freaked out, I just...

things with my dad happened really fast,

and I was just scared
I f*cked something else up.

And I'm sorry if I put us off our schedule.

I hope we can still make
it to Oklahoma City in time.

It doesn't really matter
if we have to skip that one.

Those poor people
have seen enough bombings.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, come on, we're only a few shows in.

I don't know.

Usually something, you know, clicks by now.

I mean, I'm not even gonna

get a new residency in Reno with this.

[BUZZER ON TV, ANNOUNCER IN BACKGROUND]

My dad used to always
want me to watch with him.

He loved basketball.

But I usually said no
because I don't really care

about sports and also
the sound of the sneakers

squeaking on the floor really bothers me.

You know, it's like eeh eeh eeh-eeh-eeh...

- I get it.
- Yeah.

Yeah, so I never really watched with him,

which was dumb.

Should have just given him like
two f*cking hours of my day.

Anyway, point is,

I do always remember this thing

he told me about this one team.

Their motto was "Trust the process."

And I remember thinking, like,
"That's a good philosophy."

You know, like every game, win or lose,

it's just part of it.

You're on the path to something bigger,

so the individual setbacks
don't get you down.

So maybe just...

trust the process.

Oh, my God, will you just order

a glass of wine or something?

I'm trying to be good.

Well, then get back
to being good tomorrow morning.

Don't make me drink alone.

I mean, what else are you good for?

Oh, barkeep?

- What can I get you?
- I'll have what she's having.

Sure. Also, sorry to eavesdrop,

but that team you were thinking
of is the Philadelphia ers.

Yes, right!

- So did it work?
- Did they win a championship?

Oh, no, they blow it every year, they suck.

[LAUGHTER]

That's great.

That's good.

So, what are you going to do with that?

Yeah, um, I'm not sure.

I mean, I know I want
to scatter them, but I...

I don't know where.

Don't look at me. I'm a mausoleum gal.

[LIGHT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

I'll be right back.

[PHONE RINGS]

Palmetto Resort and Spa. This is Ray.

Hey, Ray, it's Ava.

Room .

Lived there for a very sad amount of time.

Yeah, if you're looking
for your night guard,

It was in Lost and Found for two weeks,

and then after that if it's not claimed...

No, I actually had a question for you.

I'm trying to figure out what to do

with my dad's ashes, and I was wondering

if I could ask what you
did with your dad's?

Oh, well we spread his ashes...

- The spa?
- Spa's on the third floor.

Yeah.

We spread his ashes in Key West Florida

'cause that was like his
favorite place in the world.

Did your dad have
a place he loved like that?

Um, honestly, no.

He worked a ton and didn't
really get to travel.

I mean, I think that was...

probably a big regret of his, actually.

Well, I mean, you're driving
across the country, right?

Couldn't you spread a little
bit of him in each state?

So it's like he finally got to travel?

Oh my God, that's such a good idea.

You're incredibly
emotionally intelligent, Ray.

Yeah, well, the fact
that you sound surprised

is actually super condescending.

Okay, and another great read
on the situation.

Okay, great, I have to go.

Sir, we've already
given you so much lotion.

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

So...

here's the Grand Canyon, Dad.

- You're done?
- Yeah.

I'm going to do a little bit
in every city we go to.

Oh.

Except the far right strongholds.

- Cool.
- All right,

this reroute k*lled us.

Let's bottle up Papa, ladies.

Hit the road, Jack!

Jesus.

You know, it's probably good
that your dad didn't live

to see me take you for
everything you're worth.

Yeah.

["SEA OF HEARTBREAK" BY DON GIBSON PLAYS]

♪ The lights ♪

♪ In the harbor ♪

♪ Bom bom bom ♪

♪ Don't shine for me ♪

♪ Bom bom bom bom ♪

♪ I'm like a lost ship ♪

♪ Bom bom bom ♪

♪ Adrift on the sea ♪

♪ Sea of heartbreak ♪

♪ Lost love an' loneliness ♪

♪ Memories of your caress, so divine ♪

♪ I wish you were mine again, my dear ♪

♪ I am on this sea of tears ♪

♪ Sea of heartbreak ♪

♪ Sea of heartbreak ♪

♪ How did I lose you? ♪

♪ Bom bom bom ♪

♪ Oh, where did I fail? ♪

♪ Bom bom bom bom ♪

♪ Why did you leave me ♪

♪ Bom bom bom ♪

♪ Always to sail? ♪

♪ This sea of heartbreak ♪

♪ Lost love an' loneliness ♪

♪ Memories of your caress, so divine ♪

♪ How I wish you were mine again, my dear ♪