03x06 - Halloween

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Derry Girls". Aired: 4 January 2018 –; present.*
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British comedy and coming-of-age story that follows 16-year-old Erin and her friends as they grow up in the 1990s of Northern Ireland.
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03x06 - Halloween

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You're listening to BBC Radio Foyle.

Let's kick things off with today's
phone-in competition.

So, with Halloween night
less than a week away,

we want to know the festival's
original name.

What did the ancient Celts
call Halloween?

If you think you know the answer,
give us a buzz on .

I tell you who'd know that.

Kitty Reilly.

Really? Her son's in
the ancient Celts.

Her son plays for Celtic.

Sure, this is what I'm saying.

Anything? This is for Erin.

Oh, private and confidential.

Will I stick the kettle on
and we'll steam it open, Mary?

That's actually
a criminal offence, Sarah.

Your face should be
a criminal offence.

Oh, morning, Joe.

I'm not going to steam open
my daughter's mail.

Come on now, Sarah. As if I have
time for that.

National Insurance card.

Is that all?

Honest to God.
Is yours any more exciting?

Jesus Christ!

What?

Jesus Christ!
I don't believe this!

What the hell is it?

Is there something you want
to tell us, Sarah?

I'm thinking of going blonde.

No, Sarah.

I know what you're going to say.
It'll totally wash me out.

Sarah... But with a couple of
warm low-lights, I really think...

Are you engaged to Ciaran?

What? What?

th of November.

Why is that date familiar?

Oh, I wonder.

I've booked to see Bjorn Again.

Have to give this a miss.

You're going to give your own
engagement party a miss?

Well, now, to be fair,
as ABBA tribute acts go,

they're the best in the country.
They really are the genuine article.

Except, by definition, they're not.
They're a tribute act.

You're an arsehole act!

Are you engaged to Ciaran, Sarah?

Why do you keep asking that?

Because that's an invitation
to your engagement party.

Oh, God, aye, so it is.

I think I know
what's happened there.

Do you mind filling
the rest of us in?

Well, two Fridays ago, Ciaran came
to pick me up from dancercise.

I'm gasping, I mean, I've a mouth
on me like Gandhi's flip-flop.

I tell him you need to stop at
the shop and grab me a Calypso,

but he says he has a better idea,

and he pulls over,
and he whips out...

Whips out what?
What does he whip out?

This ring.

And he asks me if I'd do him
the honour of accepting it.

And you did?

Well, I knew the stone
would restrict me

a fair bit, nail polish wise.

I mean, red's out for a start.

Christ almighty.

And I'm wondering if me taking
this ring has somehow led Ciaran

to think I'd agreed to marry him.

I'd say there's a chance
it did, yeah.

What a nightmare.

I'm not even that into him,
to be honest.

Not your fault, love.

These bloody fellas, they only hear
what they want to hear.

You have to tell him, Sarah.

Do you think? Yes.

But I don't have to give
the ring back, do I?

Mammy, do you remember you said

we could get an advance
on our birthday money,

if we had a good enough reason?

I didn't say that.

Mmm-hmm. Orla.

RECORDING:All right, all right,
I suppose you could get an advance

on your birthday money, if you had
a good enough reason.

Busted.

Jesus, but Home Alone has a lot
to answer for.

They're flat out recording us
on that thing, Mary.

That time we were slagging off
Deidre Mallon's pelmet,

it's all on there.

What's wrong with
Deidre Mallon's pelmet?

It doesn't match her
tie-backs, Gerry.

They're having this massive
Halloween concert

in St Columb's Hall.

Tickets go on sale today.

How much? quid each.

quid each?! Who's playing, God?

Oh, he's bigger than God.

# Right about now

♪ The funk soul brother... ♪

Exciting news for Derry today as
tickets go on sale for Fatboy Slim.

The world renowned DJ is set to play

the city's famous
Halloween festival.

# Right about now

# The funk soul brother

# Check it out now

♪ The funk soul brother... ♪

Listen, I've played everywhere.

New York, London, Paris, Munich,

but it's all been leading to up
to this.

Derry is the dream.

That's right, g*ng.

Fatboy Slim is coming to Derry!

# Right about now

# The funk soul brother

♪ Check it out now... ♪

Norman, we are not worthy
to receive you.

Only say the word
and we shall be healed.

What if they sell out?

They won't. I asked my ma
to light a candle.

Ah. I can't believe we're gonna see
him play live.

I mean, the man's a genius.

He's a modern day Beethoven.

Except good.

I just love Halloween.

It's the one night of the year
that Protestants and Catholics

set aside their political
and religious differences

and just come together...
And fight ghosts.

No, Orla.

Halloween is class.

There's just something
about fancy dress

that turns an ordinary night out

into an absolute free-for-all,
riding wise.

Beautiful.

It really is.

Shipquay Street is gonna be
a total f*cking fiddle fest!

We really need to decide
on our costumes, girls.

Time is ticking.

Poundstretcher has already
run out of glitter.

f*ck off!

I was thinking of angels, you know,

like Claire Danes
in Romeo and Juliet.

I like it. Simple, classic.

And I can wear my white hot pants,

which show just the right amount
of arse cheek.

Oh, that's decided, then.

Clare. See that girl?

Yeah.

Her name's Laurie. She's a l*zzie.

That's Laurie the l*zzie.
We don't say l*zzie, Michelle.

What's wrong with saying l*zzie?
You can say l*zzie.

All the gays say l*zzie.

It's like an industry term now,
Clare.

You should tell her, Clare.

Tell her what? That you're
a l*zzie too.

That's enough!

This could be your big chance.

My big chance?

Well, have you ever even met
another l*zzie?

Stop saying l*zzie!

Just because I'm gay doesn't mean
I see every other gay woman

as a potential suitor.

Aye, keep saying things
like "suitor", Clare.

That'll help you off-load
the old virginity.

Why don't you just tell her?

Because it's pathetic, Erin.

Hi, there. Hi, I'm a lesbian!

Congratulations. Thank you.

How many of you are there?

Just me. Just the one lesbian.

The rest of them are straight.

How many tickets do you need?

Oh, I see. Five, please.

Well, this is your lucky day.

Only five left.

Yes! Thank you, Jesus.

I'm going myself, actually.

I'll be the clown propping up
the bar.

You're not a clown.

Oh, no, I mean I'll be dressed
as a clown. Like, it's my costume.

Aye, no, I get that.

You should come say hello.

I will.

I totally will!

I definitely will! I'll do that!
I will!

So do you think you w-w-will, Clare?

Shut up!

Sorry, folks. That's us
sold out now.

What? No! No, they cut in!

This isn't fair! They skipped us!

Balls we did!

It's the truth, I swear.

I'll have to speak to my manager.

We didn't skip you!

"We didn't skip you!"

Who do you think the manager
is gonna believe,

a couple of spotty kids
or a grown man?

Elderly man!

It's a happy death you should be
looking for,

not Fatboy Slim tickets,
you f*cking pensioner.

Just do one. Why should we?

Because I've been a Fatboy fan
way longer than you.

Er, is that because
you're his granda?

f*ck off.
You f*ck off.

Do not test me.

We're not afraid of you.

All right, Madstab, how's it going?
Not bad.

Madstab.

Is that like your Christian name?

I want the tickets.
Well, you're not getting them.

You're upsetting me now.

You know, now I'm getting
real f*cking upset here.

We didn't mean to upset you,
Mr s*ab.

Honestly, that's the last thing
we want to do,

but don't you think you're being
slightly unreasonable?

No.

My manager says we're gonna have
to toss a coin.

f*ck that.
I'll fight him for them.

- Excuse me, please?
- That seems fair.

Me, you. Outside. Now. Let's go.

Me? Why me?

I'm hardly gonna fight a girl now,
am I?

OK, I'm not buzzing
about the sexism,

but the fact that he wants to thump
James is a wee bit exciting.

I'm not gonna fight you for a couple
of Fatboy Slim tickets.

Why not?

Because one, it's ridiculous,

and two, you're much bigger than me!

Tell this prick to grow a spine,
will you?

Yeah, cos they're really going
to encourage me

to have a physical fight
with a grown man!

Like that's actually gonna happen!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight!

Jesus Christ.

OK, he gets first dig.

Why? I just feel like I should
give him a chance.

Lamp him, James!

I don't want to lamp him, Michelle,

because if I lamp him,
he'll definitely lamp me!

What the f*ck are you waiting for?

Go on, James!

Go, James, you can do it!

I expected better from you, Clare!

I'm sorry, but we need to get
those tickets!

Hit me, for f*ck's sake!

Hit him, James!

Come on, do it for Fatboy!

Hit him! Hit him! Hit him! Hit him!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God!

He grabbed the tickets!

No!

Are you happy now? Cos...

I'm gonna rip your f*cking face
clean off.

What's the plan now, James?

Run!

I see you again,
you're f*cking dead! Do you hear me?

You're all f*cking dead!

Go on, you f*ck!

# I sit and wait

# Does an angel

♪ Contemplate my fate... ♪

Where's Michelle?

She didn't wanna come.

She's taking this whole thing
pretty badly.

She's not eating,
she's not sleeping.

I've never seen her this upset.

I'm trying not to blame myself.

I think you should blame yourself.

Me too.

What? It is sort of your fault,
James. You tore the tickets up.

What the hell were you thinking?

I don't know.
I was high on adrenaline.

Anyway, what does it matter?

I was never gonna win that fight.

The man's the size of a wardrobe.

But you're English, James.

About five of you managed
to colonise half the planet,

so, you know, we thought you might
have something up your sleeve.

Well, I didn't.

TV:We're in Derry,
where preparations are under way

for their famous
Halloween celebrations.

The incredible Fatboy Slim is set
to play at this year's festival.

Why can't God just give us a break?

I don't know, maybe he hates us.

Don't be ridiculous, girls.

Sister Michael?

Of course God doesn't hate you.

Thank you, Sister.

You're not interesting enough.
I see.

I'd say he'd be ambivalent
towards you, at best.

Right.

If he even exists.

What?Nothing.

Are you hiring out your clothes?

Me and the girls do it
every Halloween.

You can make an absolute fortune.

Is that allowed?

It's for a good cause.

Like a charity thing?

Like a foreign holiday thing.

Good day, ladies.

And while Fatboy Slim's presence
brings excitement...

I'm sorry, can we just
turn this off?

..it also led to heartbreak
for a group of local young people.

Earlier today we caught up with
local teenager Michelle Mallon

to hear more. What?

Michelle, something awful happened
to your cousin James recently.

That's right, Margaret.

He was too chicken to come on here
and speak about it himself.

What's happening?

James doesn't have a lot going on.

He isn't very bright,
he's not much to look at,

and there's no easy way to say this,

he's also English.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

Thank you, Margaret.

So, because James has
so many problems,

me and my friends thought
that we would club together

and buy him Fatboy Slim tickets,
because he's such a big fan.

That was so nice of us.

So, he put on his best
Rockafeller Skank T-shirt

and headed up to town with the money
securely tucked away in his pocket.

What's she talking about?

And then these group of lads
spotted him

and they just start shouting abuse
at him.

That didn't happen.

They were like,
"And Fatboy Slim's BLEEP."

Oh.

I know, "And his music just sounds
like a big bag of BLEEP BLEEP."

I see, right.

Aye. And then they said,

"You're a piece of BLEEP
English scum.

"Climb back up your BLEEPma."

That didn't happen! Sh!

Then they just jumped him
and started battering him.

None of this happened!

And they stole all the money
that we gave him,

and they left him with a black eye
and a broken leg.

And really they are just a big bunch
of BLEEPthemselves, so...

Why is she doing this?!

Attention, obviously.

We have some great news.

She'd do anything to get on TV.

We got in touch with the event
organisers and shared your story.

What a totally pathetic move.

And not only did they offer tickets
for you, James and your friends,

but they've also thrown in
the VIP experience too.

What do you think?

Oh, my God.

It did not occur to me
that coming on this show

with this sob story might possibly
lead to such a thing.

What a totally genius move.

We are going to
the m*therf*cking ball, people!

MUSIC: Gangster Trippin'
by Fatboy Slim

What are you supposed to be? Swans?

We're not swans.

Are we not? We're angels.

Angels don't use crutches.

And swans do?

You're a swan expert now, are you?

Yeah, that's precisely what I said.

God love you, son.

Imagine b*ating you up
just cos you like Slimboy Fat.

Yeah, I still can't quite believe it
myself, actually.

CAR HORN BEEPS
That'll be Daddy!

Ah, I love his wee toy car.

Daddy, what's this?

A new car. Do you like it?

What happened to the van?

I had to get rid of it.
Christ, but it stank of fish.

We're not all gonna fit in there.

Course you will. I'll stack you.
You'll what?

I'll lay you across the back seat,
one on top of each other.

Layer you up, so to speak.

So, what's the plan then, Sean?
You gonna stack them?

Oh, aye, otherwise I'm looking
at two runs,

and sure, who has time for that?

I could take some of them.
We have to arrive together, Daddy.

It's an ensemble costume, Gerry.

Aye, sure, you can't separate
the flock.

We're not swans.

Need a hand stacking them, Sean?

Ach, no, I'll be grand.

Sure, I'm only after doing it
with a load of plasterboard there.

You're not stacking us, Daddy!
We're not plasterboard!

We're VIPs, for God's sake!


True enough.

VIPs should travel in style.

# What we're doin' when a
fatboy's slippin'

# What we're doin' when a

♪ What we're doin' when
a fatboy's slippin'... ♪

Yeah!

Ciaran's on his way round.

I think it's as good a time as any
to call off this engagement.

You're not going to tell him here,
are you?

No, but he's being told here.

And how is that different?

I said you'd do it for her, love.

You said what?

You don't mind, do you?

Of course I mind.

I just think it would be better
coming from you, Gerry.

Well, I don't.

I think people who get themselves
accidentally engaged

should break off their own
accidental engagements.

I've no time, Gerry.

It's Halloween night.

I have to do Mary's make-up
as well as my own,

and neither of us have so much as
a base coat on yet.

The day ran away from me.

I think I will go for a smoky eye,
you know.

Ach, I'm still not convinced,
you know, Mary.

I won't do it. I will not do it.

Won't do what?

Dear Jesus.

Good, isn't it?

Got it from Jim across the road.
He has two.

Of course he does.

Daddy, Gerry won't tell Ciaran
I don't want to marry him.

Well, I'll tell him.Really?

I don't think your father should
tell him, girls. Why not?

Then I'll put the pushy
wee bastard through that wall.

There you are.

KIDS OUTSIDE:Trick or treat!
Oh, here. I'll sort them out.

So, Ciaran hasn't done
anything wrong

and now your father is going to k*ll
the poor fella?

And to think you could have
prevented it, Gerry.

Unbelievable.

# What we're doin' when a

# What we're doin'
when a fatboy's slippin'

# What we're doin' when a

# What we're doin' when
a fatboy's slippin'

# What we're doin' when a

# What we're doin' when
a fatboy's slippin'

# What we're doin' when a

♪ What we're doin' when
a fatboy's slippin'. ♪

Oh, hello, there.
Don't you look fab?

No ugly ducklings here, eh?

We're not swans.

Too many feathers.

I said go easy on the feathers.

Can I see your wee passes there?

Lovely stuff. And you're the wee lad

who got the shite kicked out of him,
is that right?

Yeah.

Fantastic.

Welcome to the VIP suite.

This is the best night of my life!

So, I'll be looking after you
this evening.

My name is Fintan,
but you can call me Fifi.

Aye, that won't be happening.
Amazing.

Excuse me, Finfin. The sweets, the
crisps, the drinks, you know, etc.

They're free?

Absolutely.

See you in a bit, lads.

So, just to let you know,
we told Norman your story.

Norman? Norman, Norman?

Fatboy Norman?

Ah, sorry, no,
our security guard Norman.

Right.

Of course Fatboy Norman!
I couldn't help myself!

Jesus, sure, I'm terrible!

Aren't I terrible?

What did he say?

That he'd like to meet you.

Do not f*ck with us, Fifi.

I'm serious.

He's got a few minutes
before he goes on stage.

Let me just go and grab him.

When Norman gets out here,

it is very important
that we don't be dicks.

Got it.

Wait a sec. Isn't there supposed
to be, like, five of you?

Where's Clare gone?

Oh, I'm gonna k*ll her.

Well, hello, Coco.

MUSIC: Build It Up, Tear It Down
by Fatboy Slim

No!

Clare, what is going on?!

She's l*zzie hunting,
that's what's going on.

I love l*zzie hunting.

There's hundreds of them!

That's good, isn't it?

Not hundreds of lesbians, James,
hundreds of clowns!

There's clowns to the left of me,
clowns to the right!

It's like a clown shop!

Or a circus.

It's not the time for semantics!

We need to go, Clare. Now. Come on.

What about Laurie? f*ck Laurie.

We're going to meet the actual
Fatboy Slim!

Not without my l*zzie!

I thought we should have
a chat, because...

Sorry, Gerry. I find it hard
to concentrate with...

Yeah, of course.

Could you take that thing off,
please, Joe?

Joe.

So, I thought we should have
a bit of a chat.

Yeah, definitely.

We should get to know each other
a bit.

All the lads.

I mean, we'll be family soon enough,
won't we?

Nope.

The thing is, Ciaran, we all know
Sarah can be a bit...

I don't want to say
light in the pan. But...

Too right you don't.

..but she's different,
isn't she, Ciaran?

She's different from other people.

From, you know, normal people.

She's the love of my life.

Well, you're not the love of hers.
OK, thank you, Joe.

What do you mean?
What does he mean, Gerry?

The thing is, Ciaran, there's been
a bit of a misunderstanding,

about the engagement.

She's not calling it off, is she?

Well done, Columbo.

Why? Oh, Christ, she's met
someone else, hasn't she?

Not exactly.

Now, this is going to sound
a bit hard to believe,

but the fact is, Ciaran, that when
you gave her the ring...

God, Ciaran, are you still here?

Sarah.

I'm awful sorry, Ciaran, are you OK?

Well, it's...

..it's a lot to take in.

Though I suppose you were always
spiritual in your own way.

You're not angry with me, Ciaran,
are you?

No. How could I be?

A calling's a calling.

Happy days.

I'm... I'm going to...

I should go.

Goodbye, Sarah.

Goodbye, Ciaran, and God bless.

He's looking well on it, isn't he?

Stop.

Ciaran away, is he?

Good costumes, girls.

They look like the real thing.

They are.

Well, I still don't think they're
worth what we paid, Sarah.

Them Sisters of Mercy saw us coming.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

When?

How the hell are we meant
to find her?

You can't exactly walk up to someone
and ask if they're a lesbian.

Sorry, excuse me, are you a lesbian?

I stand corrected.

Three minutes until Fatboy Slim
is on this very stage, people.

Three minutes!

Come on, Clare!

I think I love her, guys!

Oh, wise up!

We'll never find her on time.

I say we just start whipping
people's masks off.

Can I just...

Sorry, my hand slipped.

Sorry. Sorry.

Can I see your face?

No.

Sorry! Sorry!

One minute, people!

Excuse me? Excuse me?

Oh, could I just...

I don't understand. How did you...?

I tore up the tickets!

I glued them back
together, m*therf*cker!

Oh, I see.

You are so f*cking dead!

Argh!

Help me! Help me!

Stupid f*ck!

Run for it, James!

Security!

Could someone help me, please?

What in under Whitney?

There's nothing wrong with him!

He's a nutter!

Lying wee shites!

No, not the clown, the swans!

Grab the swans!

We're not swans!

You'll be hearing
from our solicitors.

We're sh1tting ourselves.

Clare, what's going on?

Give us a second here, would you?

You're getting kicked out?
What for?

Fighting.

Oh, my God.

That's a pity, cos I was sort of
planning on kissing you tonight.

Is that a joke?

I mean, cos it's fine.

If-if-if-if, if it is a joke.

I mean, it's hilarious,

but I just wanted to check
in case it isn't.

OK.

Does this mean we're going steady?

Heh-heh. Let's maybe see
how it goes.

All right, Juliet and Juliet,
let's go.

Knock it on the head.

Thank you. I mean, sure!

I mean, great! I mean...

Bye, Clare.

Ladies and gentlemen,
introducing Fatboy Slim!

MUSIC: Right Here, Right Now
by Fatboy Slim

Annoying wee bastards.

Did Laurie plant the lips on you
back there?

Yeah.

We're going steady!

Oh, my God, Clare, that's amazing!

I know!

Daddy?

What's going on?
What are you doing here?

Daddy, what is it? What's wrong?

Clare, love...

Your dad...

What does that mean?

I don't understand what that means.

An aneurysm?

I'm not sure.

It's not good.

But he'll be OK, won't he?

He'll be OK.

# We've come a long, long
way together

# Through the hard times
and the good

# I have to celebrate you, baby

# I have to praise you like I should

# We've come a long,
long way together

# Through the hard times
and the good

# I have to celebrate you, baby

# I have to praise you like I should

# Like I should

# Praise you like I should

# Like I should

# Praise you like I should

MUSIC: Praise You
by Fatboy Slim
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