33x22 - Poorhouse Rock

Episode transcripts for the 1989 TV show "The Simpsons". Aired: December 1989 to present.*

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"The Simpsons" - set in the fictional town of Springfield - parodies American culture, society, television, and many aspects of the human condition, and is a satirical depiction of a middle class American lifestyle.
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33x22 - Poorhouse Rock

Post by bunniefuu »

Llama, llama, llámame

Llama, llámame, llámame

- ♪ Llama, llama, llama...
- (DOOR OPENS)

(HOMER HUMMING)

(MARGE HUMMING)

♪ ♪

Mmm, cookies.

They're not cookies, they're biscuits.

That's British for cookies.

And they're not for you or you or you.

Or you or you. Not you.

Not for you.

HOMER: D'oh!

- These treats are for my lady friends.
- (ALL GRUNTING)

They're coming over
to watch a very classy

historical British streaming show,

and none of you are invited.

ALL: Aw...

Cor blimey. Mmm.

- (MARGE GROWLS)
- Ow!

Now here's a distraction
for each of you.

BART: Mmm.

LISA: Mmm.

I downloaded you a podcast about beers

that you don't hear much about anymore.

Ooh, there's a whole
episode about Löwenbräu.

If no one minds,
I brought a few beverages

to lubricate the evening.

- Me, too.
- Same. - Way ahead of you.

So what the hell are we waiting for?

Let's dial up the Netflix.

I've got Helen Lovejoy's password.

She came to live with us
when she and the Reverend

were taking a break.

She swore me to secrecy about that,
but whoops.

(LAUGHTER)

♪ ♪

FEMALE BRITISH NARRATOR:
The Springfield ladies had


a marvelous time
journeying back to an era


when England was filled with
eligible young ladies in corsets


courted by hot, multiracial dudes

with rock-hard abs.

♪ ♪

The writing on this show is amazing.

Oh-ho. Men can have muscles
on their chests now?

The ad in the beer podcast

is an ad for beer.

That is so smart.

I've just swum back from Europe.

We've just won the
Battle of Knicker-bulge.

Let us all doff our clothes in triumph.

¡Ay, caramba!

Bart, don't watch that.

Now go to bed.

BART: Oh!

Mmm, looks like
the Earl of Sixpackingham

is showing the whole walking stick.

Ooh, I'll drink to that.

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING SPICE GIRLS'
"WANNABE")

(ALL CHEERING)

(GROANING)

Honey, what's wrong?

You look like what I see in
the mirror every morning.

Also, a strange blender
is on your nightstand.


(GROANS) I think I drank just

a toonsie-teensy bit too much

with the girls last night.

Marge, you need to take
a long look at yourself.

We can't be a two-hangover household.
We just can't.

I'm sorry, sweetie,
but I just don't think

I can go to church this morning.

Oh, my... Aw...

No church? Oh, no.

Well, I guess
I'll have to find another way

to spend my Sunday.

(HUMMING HAPPILY)

(CROWD CHEERING ON TV)

(MUNCHING LOUDLY)

Mmm, chest chips.

I meant you'll have to
take the kids to church

- on your own.
- D'oh!

- (PAINED GROAN)
- Aw, it's not fair.

I always go to church hungover.

It's always the committed
drinkers who get punished.

Boozehounds just can't catch a break.

- (ORGAN PLAYING)
- _

Praise God from whom
all praisings flow


Praise praise and
let all praisings go


Praise, praise, praise, praise

Praise, praise, praise, praise.

You know, hymns like that

make God come off a little thirsty.

Now I'd like to invite
our littlest angels

to head to Sunday school
with Mrs. Lovejoy.

(KIDS GROAN)

Try spending a weekend with
her in the Wisconsin Dells.

This week's Junior Jesus Jamboree topic

is "Honor Thy Mother and Father."

- Who would like to go first?
- Oh! Oh!

Sunday school presentations
don't affect my grades

and won't help me get into college,

and I'm not even a practicing Christian,

but I still have a sick need to excel,

so pick me! Pick me! Pick me!

I think we'll start with... Hmm.

(SNIFFS, GROANS)

(KIDS LAUGH)

Bart Simpson. Oh, but I'm guessing

you forgot all about your presentation.
(CHUCKLES)

You know, Helen, for a woman of faith,

you have so little of it in me.

For this assignment, I was born ready.

(HUMS)

(COUGHS, CLEARS THROAT) Well,

it's not hard to honor my mother.

Marge is a class act all the way.

As for my father, well, with a dad

like Homer Simpson,
how could I not honor him?

(HOMER SNORES)

(MUTTERS, SMACKS LIPS)

He's so hardworking and dignified.

Mmm.

- (SNORES)
- (LISA GIGGLES)


(SNORES, BURPS)

(KIDS LAUGH)

And he carries himself with
such class and panache.

ANNOUNCER: Mascot, oh, goes for the kiss

and, oh, he goes into the
proposal with the bouquet.


Tosses it away and he
faints out of love,


and the big, fat guy
is having none of it


and he's giving chase.

- The fat guy is on the field.
- HOMER: Come here, you.


ANNOUNCER:
And the Freak is running away,


and he's using the players as obstacles.

And now he's smashing his...

You know something,
that's just not right.


(KIDS LAUGH)

Lord, you are truly great

We are wretched but devout

Your hair looks really awesome

And have you been working out?

(YAWNS)

Sweetie, do your thing.

(CRYING)

Baby coming through.
Crying now and pooping soon.

- (KIDS LAUGH)

- Hmm.

As you can see, wherever my dad goes,

people cheer.

Look, if you didn't want me
to pee in a cup,


then the movie should have commercials.

(CHANTING): Whiz break!
Whiz break! Whiz break!


- (AUDIENCE CHEERS)
- MOE: Get him out of here.


(KIDS AND HELEN LAUGH)

In conclusion, I honor my father

because he is not not not not a loser.

One, two, three, four.

That's an even number of nots.

He thinks I'm a loser.

How dare you show your peers
a supercut of me at my worst?!

(GROWLS)

- (KIDS CHEERING)
- NELSON: Haw-haw!

- Haw-haw-haw!
- (BART CHUCKLES MISCHIEVOUSLY)

- Huh?
- (OVERLAPPING ARGUING)

I hate the Welsh,
but I hate you even more!

(GROANS ANGRILY)

My son has no respect for me.
He shamed me

in front of the whole Sunday school.

Even Ralph. What about all the videos

of me not being a loser?
Where were they?

Oh, boy. It's so sad

that kids just use cameras for shaming.

We've raised a generation
that only loves fails.

My fails.

(SIGHS)

At least I have a lady to rub my face.

Bart's gonna spend the rest
of his life lotioning himself.

Maybe Bart doesn't understand

how hard you work to
provide for this family.

When I was a girl,

my father took me to
work with him one day.

I felt so proud when I
saw him playing pizza

in that antacid commercial.

(GASPS) That's what I should do.

Take Bart to work.

Then he'll be proud of me.

Pizza proud.

BOTH: Mmm.

Seven, eight and nine.

Oh!

- (GRUNTING)
- Watch me work

and be proud, you jerk.

- (GRUNTING)
- No.

I don't want to hear your friends

tell me how big I've gotten.

Hmm. (GRUNTS)

Oh. Well-played, big man.

Larry! Slap a guest badge on him!

Larry!

And this thing over here is
if the core gets too hot.

I'm all over that.

And this dealie over
here is if the core...

goes missing.

Has that ever happened?

Not on my watch.
And the way you can be sure

is that everyone you know isn't dead.

- Hmm.
- Hey, Homer.

Monday morning doughnuts are here.

- (HOMER MOANS)
- (BART GRUNTS)

Take your pick.

Chocolate frosted? Maple bar?

Better hurry or you're gonna get plain.

Doughnuts. Do you have to pay for 'em?

Sure, technically. (LAUGHS)

It's an honor system.

(MUNCHES)

Whoa. A pop machine full of free pop.

A TV showing that jerk Dr. Phil.

A poster on how to choke a guy.

I think that's for after you choke him.

- (BURPS)
- Simpson,

I need that updated spreadsheet

on the hard water degradation rate.

Watch this.

I told you interns

to spread-date the graduation
on the hard lemonade.

So find out what I'm talking about

- and get it done!
- Yes, Mr. Simpson.

_

And you get free markers?
When I get back to school,

I'm gonna go Sistine Chapel
on those toilet stalls.

Why wait?

Here you go, Simpson.

- Best part of the job.
- (CHUCKLES)

You know it, Linda.

Dad, is that your paycheck?

Sure is.

- Can I see it?
- I'll do you one better.

- (HUMS HAPPILY)
- _

Give it to me in singles.

Minus the . % check-cashing fee.

I didn't ask for your life story.

And here's what makes it all worthwhile.

Whoa. You get all that every week?

Every two weeks.

(LAUGHING)

Ah, the laugh of respect.

Oh, my God, is it picture day?

Lisa, quick, let me fix your hair.

Ow! It's not picture day,

and my hair's not pasta.

I am dressed this way to honor Dad.

I never thought about it,
but Homer makes enough

to pay for this awesome crib, two cars,

with enough left over
to fill the freezer

with three kinds of french fries:

waffle, curly and steak-cut.

Dad, all these years

I thought you were just
some uncool roommate

that I got stuck with.

Now I realize you're a winner.

And that's why I want to be
a nuclear safety inspector.

(SNIFFLES)

Marge, he doesn't just respect me.

He wants to be me.

What a feeling.

Oh... this must be
how LeBron feels about...

(CRYING): ...Bronny.

BOTH: Mmm.

Just like you, Dad, I can't wait

to live the American dream.

Well, actually...

- What?
- Oh, nothing.

Pew, pew, pew!

I'm a superstar spaceman.

I'm a modern superhero. I can fly,

but I can't process my own trauma.

I'm a nuclear safety guy.

I get tons of money for
not blowing the town up.

Well, the thing about that is...

- What?
- Nothing.

- Forget I said anything.
- (GROANS)

Hey, Dad, guess what.

I made a homemade ID badge,
and Larry just waved me in.

Huh. Where is he?

(SNORING)

Oh, man, what a gig.

Homer's got it made.

JANITOR (CHUCKLES): He sure does.

So, you're visiting your
old man at work today?

I sure am. And this sweet job

will be mine someday.

- Wha...?
- Hate to burst your bubble, kid,

but the kind of job your dad has

- just doesn't exist anymore.
- Why not?

Well, there's no simple answer to that.

- All right. See you later.
- Bart, come with me

to a magical place far in the past:

America in the th century.

Uh, sure.

But you better not start singing.

, we won the w*r

Our boys came back
to the factory floor


The good times rolled,
and smiles were on our faces


With plentiful jobs
for folks of all ages


Even dumb slobs
made excellent wages


The country was booming

Though still pretty r*cist

(ALL MUMBLE)

Oh, and so it came to pass

With hard work
and grit and brass


Bit by bit, we built

- ♪ Our middle class
- ♪ Nice little middle class


I need cash for food and gas

Black light posters,
beer and grass


Time for me to join
the middle class


Oh, boy, that middle class

Go join that middle class

Well, I'm not smart,
I'm not a go-getter


My drinking problem's
not getting better


What job could I possibly do?

- ♪ Nuclear safety inspector
- Whoo-hoo!

Your dad and his
buddies had it swell


But gradually it
all went to hell


Factories closed,
unemployment would spike


Here to explain it
is Robert B. Reich


The decline of unions,
rampant corporate greed,

Wall Street malfeasance

and the rise of shortsighted politics

all contributed to increased
economic inequality,

widespread real unemployment,
wage stagnation,

and a lower standard of living
for millions of Americans.

They chopped salaries
to raise stock prices


Cut up the pie and
kept all the slices


Tax breaks went to CEOs

Never trickling
down to average joes


And so it came to pass

Greedy rich men kicked our ass

Fiddling while they
b*rned our middle class


Poor little middle class

All right,
thanks for the history lesson, nerds.

But what does any of this
have to do with me?

You see, my dad's still working,

and I want to be just like him.

I'm sure you do.

But there's something
else you need to learn,

and my friend here is
happy to teach you.

Ugh, you.

For days, you've been dying to
say something. Just spill it.

You want a job like Dad?
Too bad, so sad


- ♪ You'll never have the life our flabby dad had
- ♪ Yeah

What can he do that a robot can't?

These Oreos taste
like nuclear plant


Yo, all I need
is a foot in the door


And I'll take Dad's job
when he dies at


That job you see now needs a PhD

- ♪ While paying student loans leaves you in poverty
- ♪ What?

- ♪ No brand-new car, no fancy house
- ♪ No, cool

- ♪ No hot dinners cooked by your stay-at-home spouse
- ♪ Yeah

You're gonna pinch
every dollar and cent


And you'll still have to choose

Between health care and rent

I'll probably just buy a PlayStation .

You're naive, but it'll pass

- ♪ They'll repo your skateboard, you'll grow up fast
- ♪ Mm-hmm

He's Jeff Bezos,
we're just bozos


Goodbye, middle class

These are facts,
they're not controversial


We can't even afford what
they sell in this commercial.


Okay, so, you're saying
maybe I'll have a tough time

getting a job like my dad's.

No, no, I'm saying

you'll definitely never
get a job like your dad's,

and you'll have a tough time

finding something significantly worse.

Thanks for the song and dance,

but I think I'm gonna be just fine.

'Cause there's a lot of new
ways a guy can make a dollar


I'll ride the money train,
make it rain, holla


I'll buy and sell Bitcoin,
build a new app


Do pranks on YouTube,
I'm great at that crap


Film TikTok tricks
on my sick motorbike


- ♪ Your chances are slim
- ♪ Go to hell, Robert Reich

Those aren't careers,
they're a million to one


You ain't that lucky
and you ain't smart, son


Who gives a damn?
I'll find my new jam


As an influencer on Instagram

If all else fails,
I got backup plans


I can shake my cans on OnlyFans.

No. Just... no.

Okay, great.
So I have no options whatsoever.

Smell you later, dude.

Isn't it infuriating?

We'll never live as well as they did.

Why doesn't anyone do
anything about this?

Well, there's an answer to that,
but it's not one you'll like.

Moe the bartender,
serve it up on the mic


So, greedy politicians
write bad laws


Throwing goodies to the
rich like Santy Claus


They chew up us poors,
who votes for these guys?


All my friends are
dropping like flies


And where are these voters
getting their cues?


Putin for president,
next on Fox News


And that's why our system
is so out of order?


Cross-dressing drug fiends
are crossing our border


(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

We vote for g*n nuts
and climate deniers


Lunatics from QAnon
and con men and liars


They shred our safety
net and gut Medicare


But they get our vote

'Cause we're incredibly
easy to scare


Cable news declares we're doomed

And Facebook feeds our fright

They convince us
things were great


When gas was cheap
and men were white


So we rally round the crooks

And the creepy and the crass

The vengeful id of our
vanishing middle class


So, as you can see, Bart...

Bart?

I get it, dude, abandon hope

We can't escape
our slippery slope


The future's a sandwich
made of poo


Just tell me,
what do you want me to do?


Burn it.

"Burn it"? Burn what?

Well, that's up to you.

All I know is what a janitor knows.

If it's broke,
don't wait till later


Chuck it in the incinerator

Hmm. I do enjoy destroying things.

And this tie looks flammable.

Wait, Bart, I meant the system.

Burn it down and then reform it.

It was a metaphor.

Eh. I never learned
what that word means.

- Our education system is also terrible.
- No!

And so it comes to pass

Strike a match and raise a glass

All dreams die

So goodbye, middle class

(GASPS)

Oh, my God.

(GASPS) Oh, so this is real?

Help!

I want to live to see the future,

even if it's gonna be incredibly crappy!

(HOMER GASPS)

(SIREN WAILS)

You saved me.

Hang on tight, you'll be okay

Thanks! By the way, how good's your pay?

Pay's good,
and pension's great when we retire


- Nice.
- ♪ Sweet health plan plus cool hat and boots

We're always hiring new recruits

'Cause luckily the
planet is on fire


FIREFIGHTERS: ♪ Even the ocean

Mom, Dad,
I figured out what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna be a fireman.

Well, it is true that
fire isn't going anywhere.

But you still hold me
in high regard


- ♪ Eat my shorts, you tub of lard
- D'oh!

We save lives and look badass

And we whistle as they pass

(WOMEN WOLF WHISTLE)

The last men standing

In our middle

Class.

- What the hell was that?
- From what I can gather,

a singing janitor took
Bart on a magical journey

through America's postwar economy.

Also, Lisa was a rapper.

I'm a little concerned that
Bart set his tree house on fire.

(CHUCKLES) It does seem
like an escalation.

Maybe we can use this opportunity

to upgrade the backyard.

Yeah. We could get a gazebo.

That'd be nice.

I just read through
our homeowners policy.

We're not covered for musical numbers.

- D'oh!
- D'oh!

Shh!
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