03x05 - crazytimesh*tshow

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Barry". Aired: March 25, 2018 to present.*
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A hit man moves to LA and gets caught up in the city's theatre arts scene.
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03x05 - crazytimesh*tshow

Post by bunniefuu »

(g*nsh*t)

(WIND BLOWING QUIETLY, SWELLS)

- I didn't... (GRUNTS)
- sh*ts fired!

- (g*nf*re)
- (SOLDIERS SHOUTING)

- Corpsman!
- (g*nf*re)

Corpsman... Corpsman!

BARRY: Albert, Albert,
you're in shock. Hold on.

(WHIMPERING)

- (WIND BLOWING)
- (g*nf*re SLOWLY FADES OUT)

♪ ♪

(KNOCKING)

(DOOR OPENS)

Special Agent Albert Nguyen.

I'm here to help you catch whoever
k*lled Detective Janice Moss.

I'm Detective Mae Dunn,
and this is Chief Krauss.

You can call me Big Cat.

Look, I know this is
an international case,

and they have to send a Fed,

but we already know who
k*lled Detective Moss.

It was a Chechen assassin
called the Raven.

Yeah, whoever came up
with that is a clown.

Wow.

ALBERT NGUYEN: Right,
so when I was briefed,

it turns out a guy I served with

was with Mr. Cousineau
when you found the body.

- Barry Berkman?
- NGUYEN: Yeah.

Yeah, we cleared him.

He was with the wrong
guy at the wrong time.

Berkman was just helping his friend.

- Yeah, sounds like him.
- KRAUSS: They were both framed

by the Raven.

I'm gonna take you to your
desk and get you briefed.

Welcome aboard, Tuff Turf!

NATALIE (WHISPERS): Sally.

Hey, Sally, wake up.

It's the whole home screen.

(WHEEZING LAUGH)

Look at your freakin' face! It's huge!

That face is being seen
everywhere this morning.

And you're still a % on Rotty T's.

This is insane!

It's all happening!

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

Why the f*ck is nobody noticing you?

Look, it only went up
on BanShe last night.

Right. Mm.

(SIGHS)

If anything, I should just enjoy
my anonymity while it lasts.

Because in a few short days,

quiet coffee alone won't
even be possible...

"Joplin"'s not on the homepage anymore.

What?

I...

(SCOFFS)

It was literally on the home
page less than an hour ago.

- Okay. That's weird.
- Yeah.

- Um, "Joplin"...
- "Joplin." Right.

- Where are we?
- (NERVOUS LAUGH)

BARRY: Thanks for doing
this on such short notice.

JERMAINE: Oh, no worries, man.

NICK: We did make some
changes to your room,

but it's, like, pretty
much the same thing.

- I think you're gonna love it.
- BARRY: Oh, yeah?

- Maybe. Who knows.
- Be sweet.

We turned it into an
audition room! (LAUGHS)

Green screen is for auditions,
and the recording booth

is for, uh, V.O. stuff.

I'm recording a really sick
comedy record, man.

Where do I sleep?

- W-well, don't sleep there.
- No.

No, and I don't... No, and
don't sleep over there

- because that's where all of...
- And don't sleep over there either

- 'cause that's just kinda my space.
- You know what? Actually,

maybe we'll just mark a little space
for you right here on the floor.

(SET CHATTER)

PRODUCER: Hey, hey! There he is!

The man of the hour.

- Nice "Variety" piece.
- Thank you.

Did you get the pages, the
scene with your dying wife?

Right here.

You know what, it's beautifully written.

I hope I do it justice.

Every day you hope to be
surprised in this business,

- and you almost never are.
- Thanks for the opportunity.

I'm so happy to be here.

Well, hey, we'll be watching.

(WHISPERS): Hey. Hey. Listen.

I am so sorry that I threw
tea in your face, you know,

at "m*rder, She Wrote," I...

That was wrong, and I apologize.

(EXHALES)

Wow. Thank you for that.

I'm glad we had this little
opportunity to reconnect.

Me, too.

- (DIRT BIKES ROARING)
- FUCHES: Hi there!

Miss? Hi!

You must be, uh, Traci, right?

Sure, you are. (LAUGHS)

Hey, is your brother, uh, this guy?

Yeah. He's dead.

Oh, yeah, he sure is. (LAUGHS)

But I'm a private investigator.

- Ken Goulet, and I...
- (BIKES ROARING)

I know that your brother's good name

was sullied by the LAPD,

and that he was running a crime ring.

We both know that isn't true, right?

Probably is true.

- Uh...
- (ROARING)

Whoa!

Jesus Christ. Heh, well...

All right, yeah. Look, look, look, look.

They set him up,

- and I can give you the guy who did it.
- We're good.

Oh, you're good, huh? I see.
You don't want justice.

You don't want your brothers to
have a little vengeance, huh?

Hey, wait!

- (BIKE ROARING)
- This guy, Barry,

owes him , bucks for a hot tub!

(DIRT BIKE IDLING)

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

So, I got out my laptop and
typed out the entire title,

J-O-P-L-I-N, and still had no matches.

It wasn't until I typed out S-A-L-L-Y

R-E-E-D N-E-W S-H-O-W J-O-P-L-I...

that it auto-completed the rest,
and I found the show, so...

what do we need to do to
get it back on the homepage?

We are canceling the show.

- What?
- Why?

Well, the algorithm
felt it wasn't hitting

the right taste clusters.

T-taste clusters?

It's been... hours.

Don't we need time to get word of mouth?

Oh, the algorithm takes word
of mouth into account.

- Mm.
- But it considers other things, too.

For instance, if viewers see
someone eating dessert

within the first two
minutes of the episode,

they almost always finish
the entire season.

- Always.
- Oh, and it's not just dessert.

The same goes for Central Park,

kittens, Dev Patel...

(BOTH MOUTHING): Dev Patel.

We-we have a on Rotten Tomatoes.

- Right.
- . And people were...

They were crying at the screening.

I know, and I was one of them.

But I guess I was wrong.

I...

Why did you even bother watching cuts,

- giving us notes...
- Careful.

... if you're just going
to let some machine

make all your decisions for you?

See, I-I can see that you're upset,

and if there was someone I could call

to override the decision, I would.

But I can't because I am that person.

You know, does that track for you?

You know, maybe if "Pam!"
hadn't stolen your thunder...

"Pam!" has a %!

But the right verticals are watching.

Taste clusters exploding.

Yeah, you know, I've been
doing this for years,

and if there's anything I've learned,

it's... nobody knows anything

except the algorithm.

f*ck the algorithm!

And, you know, as you were
saying that, I thought...

(INAUDIBLE)

So, what do you think?

- W-what is this?
- It's for rent,

and this could be yours
and Gordon's new house.

If you like it.

(SCOFFS) You're giving us a house?

- That's crazy.
- It's not crazy.

I know who I've been.

And I need to be closer to you.

♪ ♪

- Where'd that money come from?
- Oh, that doesn't matter.

Honestly, that doesn't matter.

Want to see the inside?

Sure.

Come on.

Sally?

Sally?

SALLY: Yeah...

(SIGHS)

This probably won't help anything,

but for what it's worth,

I learned so much from
watching you work.

It was inspirational

to see you put yourself out there

and create something so
wonderful from scratch.

I feel like I grew as
an artist and a person,

and I'll never forget it.

Plus, I know the next show you
make's gonna be even better,

so f*ck BanShe.

♪ ♪

Okay.

Look, I've been under a
lot of pressure lately,

and, um, I'm trying
to make things right,

but doing that is very stressful.

And I think I just took it out on Sally.

Look, I acknowledge it
sucks to get yelled at,

but I don't think it's something
to get dumped over.

First off, great to see you,

and as much as we love coming home,

finding you sitting here...

you're always welcome to call ahead.

You k*lled all my buddies.

- sh*t, I'm sorry about that, man.
- NOHO HANK: No, no, no.

I think this is all part of
same problem, right?

It's classic situation
of bottling it up.

You keep who you are a secret

because you cannot be
who you really are.

So, you're trying to be two
different guys at once,

and that is simply not sustainable.

So, naturally, there is... resentment,

anger, distrust.

It makes sense you would turn
into human pressure cooker

and sh**t up all of our friends

and eventually yell at your girlfriend.

I didn't yell at my girlfriend.

I... like, loudly stated...

You know, like... I-I basic...
I went like this. I was like,

(SLIGHTLY LOUD): "Sally.
You gotta help my friend."

(NORMAL): Like, I said it that loud.

Sure.

Barry... you have massive,
massive rage issues.

And I think they are triggered
when you feel slighted, maybe?

And perhaps that would not happen
if you are honest upfront.

But Sally can't know who I am.

Oh, obviously, but I'm talking
about... small gesture.

You know, something creative.

The real you.

Um...

our first night,

when we here in the house,

I make Hank traditional Bolivian meal.

- It was heaven.
- And...

Yeah, it... Well, it made me
feel very close to him.

NOHO HANK: Cristobal and I thrive
on little moments like that.

And honesty.

Uh, yeah.

Honesty.

♪ ♪

(SIGHS)

(SPEAKING SPANISH) _

(SPEAKING SPANISH) _

_

_

KRAUSS: I like this graphic here,

but I think I may prefer
this font over here.

Maybe we can have the boys
down at the paint shop

do a few more mock-ups?

So this, uh, NoHo Hank guy's
lying his freakin' ass off.

What did the rest of his guys say?

Hey, Big Cat. Um...

You raided the nursery and
brought these guys in, right?

Or were you too busy
making a logo for something

that doesn't even exist?

We were waiting to put surveillance
on them first to get proof.

All right, so let me get
this straight. Um...

you haven't placed a bug in there yet?

No, we have not.

You know what? Doesn't f*ckin' matter.

These pieces of sh*t are a
known crime organization.

So, we send some units over there,

we round up these f*ckin' assholes,

we bring them back here,
we step on their necks,

and we see if their stories
match up with Hank's. Yes?

Now. Now!

("BITCH" BY MEREDITH BROOKS
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)

♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a lover ♪

♪ I'm a child, I'm a mother ♪

♪ I'm a sinner, I'm a saint ♪

♪ I do not feel ashamed ♪

♪ I'm your hell ♪

Sorry.

(KEYS JINGLING)

BARRY: sh*t. Would you mind helping me?

Thanks.

(DOOR SHUTS)

- Was that him?
- Yeah, it was him.

I don't know. I didn't
think he'd be home.

I just kinda, like, ran into him

and (STAMMERING) just froze, you know?

(BOTH PANTING)

Okay, so... All right,
so, I-I'll take the g*n,

and I'll just go back to his apartment,

and I'll knock on the door,
and then, I'll just...

- ... just do it.
- No, no, I...

I think we should wait
until he comes out.

I think we should follow him
and go somewhere safe.

- And I'm gonna do it.
- No, I-I can do it, Mom...

I'm doing it. Do you hear me?

I'm gonna do it.

Okay, I see you. You can see me?

- Yes? Good, good.
- (INDISTINCT PHONE RESPONSE)

Yandar! Akhmal! Say hello
to elders from Grozny.

- BOTH: Hello!
- BATIR: Pick up heroin, eh?

Hello.

BATIR: Good. Uh, higher.
Little higher. Huh?


- (LAUGHS)
- ANDREI (ON PHONE): Where is everybody?

This is whole operation? This?

Well, is matter of perspective.

I mean, it's hard to get a grasp
of the size of the place,

but when you see it, it's much
bigger than it looks, eh?

Is very sophisticated cover
for heroin operation, right?

No? Am I crazy?

Okay, I have an idea.

So, from up here, you can
see whole operation, eh?

Now, remember, when we come
here, there was nothing, eh?

Just empty car parking lot.
(LAUGHS) Can you imagine?

(CAR DOORS OPENING)

ANDREI: Who these guys?

- Batir?
- Don't sh**t!

- (g*nsh*t)
- Ah! f*ck you!

ANDREI: What the f*ck?

(SIRENS WAILING)

Batir?

(g*nshots OVER PHONE)

Is this policía?

- (g*nf*re CONTINUES)
- (SIRENS WAILING)

ANDREI: Batir?

(SHARP INHALE)

(g*nf*re CONTINUES)

- (g*nf*re CONTINUES)
- (ALL SHOUTING)


(SCREAMING) f*ck!

- (CONTINUES SCREAMING)
- OFFICER: Fall back! Fall back!

- (LOUD expl*si*n)
- Oh!

(EXPLOSIONS CONTINUE, GLASS SHATTERING)

Batir, this is crazy time sh*t show.

Y-y-you and I, we going to
have talk about your future.

(g*nf*re, SHOUTING CONTINUE)

(SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

JOE MANTEGNA: Gene! You made it!

GENE COUSINEAU: Yeah! Indeed, I did.

- Well, I'm glad you did.
- GENE: Thank you.

I want you to meet some people.

These are the Colemans from
the Pasadena Playhouse.

Of course, I know who you are.

I hear your productions are marvelous.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

JOE: And this is Annie Eisner.

She teaches art at a
school my kids went to.

Hi.

Hi, Gene.

You know each other?

We do.

Been a long time.

(SIGHS)

Well, sh*t.

Um...

- Hey. Well, thanks for the, uh, wine.
- Yeah.

And why don't you just, um,
uh, give it to Gabby at the bar

and have him make you a
drink while you're there.

I will.

And we are set.

- I'm so excited.
- Me, too.

The broker in Santa Fe said the
place is available to check out

as early as next week.

Are you free to drive down with me?

I'm completely free, Hank.

(SIGHS)

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oh, we should load up our
phones with some audiobooks.

Uh, we have to finish
the last "Percy Jackson."

- Oh, right. "Percy Jackson... "
- (PHONE BUZZING)

Akhmal, I told you,
I'm taking personal day.

AKHMAL: Hank. We just
got hit by Bolivians.


They took me. I'm calling
from trunk of car.


What do you mean we just
got hit by Bolivians?

AKHMAL: A woman named
Elena is coming for you.


- Elena? Who's Elena?
- AKHMAL: You must run.

♪ ♪

Hank... I'm sorry.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

(YELLING IN SPANISH)

CRISTOBAL: No! No! No!

(ALL SHOUTING IN SPANISH)

- (ELENA SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
- (CLAPPING)

(MANIACAL LAUGH)

(SHOUTING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(MANIACAL LAUGH)

(QUIET BREATHS)

(QUIET GASP)

(SOFT CRYING)

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)

(DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)

So, I'm coming up with
a voice for Fat Tony,

and figure, might as well
talk like my Uncle Willy.

(GRAVELLY): That's why
Fat Tony talks like this.

(LAUGHTER)

Listen, ex... I'm so sorry.
I don't mean to interrupt,

but I-I... I have to say something

before we finish this amazing meal.

(SOFT JAZZ CONTINUES)

Joe, we came up together.

We trained with the same people,

we were in productions together.

And then, you had to
go and be successful.

(LAUGHS)

And I took your success very personally.

I started to lie about you.

I started rumors.

And after all that,

you still invite me into your home.

And that shows me
what kind of guy you are.

Look, I never would have
violated my restraining order

if I didn't think you had made
some big changes in your life.

Well, sometimes you need
a g*n held to your head

to see what's important in this world.

- I know exactly what you're talking about.
- Mm-hmm.

So please, let me just
say I am so sorry.

Well, I appreciate it,
Gene. So, to new...

I'm not done.

I came here to make peace with you, Joe.

And lo and behold, I see somebody else

I completely f*cked over years ago.

Annie and I had a relationship.
She's a theater director.

She directed me in some productions.

She is a genius,

and I am an assh*le boyfriend.

Annie, I am so sorry for
the way I treated you.

But I am so happy

because it seems like life
has been good to you.

JOE: Well then.

To new beginnings.

You're forgetting the part
where you ruined my career.

Eh, f*ck.

- What?
- You blackballed me.

You were furious that I left you,
and you made it your mission

that I never work in
New York or LA again.

And I didn't.

- I don't remember that.
- Yes, you do.

And I don't think that you're
really apologizing for us.

You're just saying that so you
don't have to feel bad anymore.

I... Th-that just isn't true.

Well, you saying sorry
doesn't bring my career back.

Joe, I'm so sorry. I gotta go.

(SOFT JAZZ CONTINUES)

Dear Sally,

Here's the keys.

I'm sorry things didn't work out.

FYI... this is what I'm about.

- (DOOR UNLOCKS)
- (SALLY SOBBING)

Sally.

Hey, um, I was dropping
off the keys, um,

but I-I made something for you that...

(SALLY CRYING)

Are you okay?

I just really need to be
alone right now, please.

- Are you crying?
- No.

(CRYING)

Hey...

Hey...

Hey, is it okay that I'm comforting you?

Okay. (SNIFFLES)

Are you okay?

(HEAVY BREATHING)

My show got canceled.

- What?
- (CRYING)

- Why?
- No one watched it.

- It just premiered last night.
- I know!

f*cking BanShe and f*cking Diane Villa.

I mean, they're such cowards.

I mean, their jobs
are totally pointless.

Like, a computer makes their decisions.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

- (SNIFFLES)
- You worked so hard on that.

Yeah, no sh*t. (SIGHS)

For them, it's just another show,

but for me, you know,
it was... everything.

You know, I just thought, like,
if I could tell this story,

then maybe my life might... matter.

I know.

(SOBS)

Do you know where she lives?

I don't know. (SNIFFLES)

What, were you gonna, like,
send her an angry letter

or something? (SNIFFLES)

No, no, nothing like that.

I'm just gonna freak
her out a little bit.

Freak her out how?

Oh, there's a lot of ways.
It's, you know... nothing bad.

No, it's just... like, for instance,

I could... send her a picture
of herself sleeping.

You know, just as a way
of being like, hey,

not cool what you did
to Sally, you know?

So you'd break into her house?

Oh, she'd never know I was there.

No, the whole point is to isolate her

and make her feel like
she's going insane.

So, I would just do little things

like replace her dog with
a slightly different dog,

or, you know, change the
furniture in her house

so she thinks she's shrinking.

You know, basic stuff, most of
it I learned in the m*llitary.

Some of it on a subreddit.

You know. Basically, just plant a seed,

and then they just kinda
hang themselves,

so it's super nonviolent.

But by the end of it, like,

her brain will have essentially
eaten itself, you know?

But that's on the table if you want it.

Okay?

I'm just so sorry this happened to you.

Can I make you some
tea or something or...

- Barry?
- Hm?

I need you to get away from me.

Why?

Get out.

Did I say something or...

Get the f*ck out.

- Get the f*ck out!
- Okay. Jesus Christ...

(CRYING)

(INSECTS CHIRPING)

Okay, there he is.

Okay, remember.

You walk up to him,
you ask for directions,

and then you turn and walk away.

R-right, I'll go up,
I'll ask directions,

- and then I'll get outta there.
- Yes, it is important for you...

(g*nsh*t)

What the... ?

- (PANTING) Oh, my God...
- What...

- Oh, my... Mom... Wh...
- (GASPING)

- (KYLE GROANING)
- JULIE: Kyle... No...

(CAR ENGINE STARTS)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(CAR SPEEDING AWAY)

(INSECTS CHIRPING)

(INSECTS CHIRPING)
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