03x05 - Simple

[bunniefuu]

[ both slurping ]

Ship, ship, ship...

Down, boy.

There you guys are.

I've been looking for you all
morning.

We know.
We got the messages you left.

It wasn't messages.

It was each.

Anyway, I need you guys
for a mission.

It's off planet.

I've got tae kwon do
practice tonight, Ben.

Sorry.

Kevin?

[slurps ]

Yeah...no.

Seriously?

We don't mind helping out,
but we do have lives.

Well,
maybe you can say no to me,

but you can't say no
to this.

[ beep]
It was teleported to my room
this morning.

Dear Mr. Ben ,
my name is Probity.

My mom and dad told me all about

how you saved the
universe from the Highbreed.

So you get fan mail.

What's the big deal?

Shh!
You'll miss the important part.

I hate w*r.

Do you hate w*r, too?

Because if you do, I wanted to
know if you would come here

and stop everybody from
fighting.

Anyway, even if you can't,
I think you're great.

Thank you.
[ beep]

So, there you go.

"There you go" what?

Don't you get it?

He wants us to go to some other
planet and end their w*r.

No, he couldn't mean --

You can't mean --

Uh-huh.

Not that I'm even considering it,

but how do you
plan to stop a w*r?

Simple.

[whoosh ]

KEVIN:
I can't believe we're
doing this.

Everybody hates w*r,

but nobody ever does anything
about it.

Maybe that's because

there's never been anybody like
me before.

Oh, right --

the great Ben 's gonna solve
everything in one weekend.

It's a three-day weekend.

I like that Ben cares enough
to come all this way to help.

You could use a little of that
yourself, Kevin.

w*r's like eating or
sleeping, Gwen.

It's part of human nature.

That's where you're
wrong.

I think I know a
little more about human nature

than you do.

Yeah --human nature.

But these aren't humans.

So...nyah!

Really?

"Nyah"?

[ beeping ]

We're approaching the planet.

Is that a big dotted
line across that planet?

Yep.

That definitely calls
for a closer look.

Ship, lower.

SHIP:
Ship, ship, ship.

Well, now we know where
the fence came from, but --

What are they sh**ting
at us for?

[ boom ]
Duh.

Translation --

the fence must be some kind of
borderline,

and they think we're
the enemy.

SHIP:
Ship!

Good boy.
No sh**ting back.

What?!

SHIP:
Ship!

KEVIN:
Okay, I vote we turn
around and head home.

Gwen can still make karate
practice.

And as a bonus, I don't have to
get sh*t at.

Except we'd be throwing
away a little girl's hope

for a world without w*r.

Life is full of
disappointments.

What is she -- ?

Past time she learned.

Land the Ship.

I'll distract them.

Jetray!

Hold it. Hold it!

Any of you ever heard of...

Ben ?

[ crowd murmuring ]
Look! Look -- it's him!

It's really him!

I can't believe it!

That's right -- Ben .

And I've come all this way to
tell you that w*r just isn't cool.

What?
[ crowd murmuring ]

See, w*r never
accomplishes anything.

It's pointless, and --

[ crowd groans ]

Get him!

Uh, guys?

[g*ns cock ]

Hey, if you want to get rough,

how about a taste of
Humongousaur?!

[ beeping ]

Lodestar!

Oh, man.

This is no time to shake down a
new guy.

Ow! Ow, ow!

Ow, ow!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Cut...it...out!

[warbling ]

- Whoa!
- Ugh!

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

Ow!

Ow, ow, ow!

Ow!

Oh.

Wait a minute.

[warbling ]

As I was saying...

...and you have got to sit down

with your enemies
and talk to them.

They're human, too, you know.

Or...whatever it is you
guys are.

Is that a new one?

Who keeps track?

[ clank ]

[whistles ]
A regenerating power pack.

Hey!
Finders keepers!

Let go of my --

Kevin!
Long time no see.

You look different.
Did you cut your hair?

No.

I was just gonna call you.

I'll have that money I owe you
real soon.

Uh-huh.

What are you up to here, Argit?

Nothing.

Argit, what's the scam?!

Oh...okay.

I was gonna cut you in --
honest.

These guys -- they leave their
weapons all over the place,

so I scoop them up,
paint them blue,

and sell them to the other guys.

Low overhead, big profits.

What?

Your overhead just
went up.

Come on.

Of course I want to hear
your side.

Good.
Because you've got us all wrong.

They att*cked us.

We're only defending ourselves.

Really?

See?

[ beeping ]

Spidermonkey!

[ chittering ]

It's one of those alien
Spidermonkeys.

You know what to do.

[screeches ]

Are you the guy in charge?

I am.

We need to talk.

I'm a man of action,
not talk.

[ chitters ]

And look where it's gotten you.

Indeed.

[ coughs ]

[gasps ]

Look where it's gotten me.

[laughs evilly]

KEVIN:
What's taking so long,
Argit?

Give me a break, Kev.

I'm going as fast as I can.

[ blows ]

[ knock on door]

Here you are, gentlemen --

the finest blasters money
can buy.

Much appreciated.

And death to the red guys.

KEVIN:
Argit.

Oops.

[ knock on door]

Here you go, my friends.

Ooh. Very nice. Thank you.

And death to the red --

uh, blue guys.

[ knock on door]

I'm not expecting anybody.

Nice little racket
you've got here.

I can explain.

You're making money off
other people's misery?

Okay, I don't have to explain.

I thought you were here
to help Ben.

Gwen, when has Ben
ever been in any trouble

he couldn't get himself out of?

Don't you get it?

I am not the enemy.

[screeches ]

I believe in peace.

Let me tell you who your real
enemy is.

It's w*r!

[ muffled talking ]

Ready...

Aim...

[ muffled talking ]

GIRL:
Wait!

That's Ben !

I'm sure of it!

[ crowd gasps, murmurs ]

She doesn't know what she's
talking about.

Fire!

GWEN:
Get yourself loose!

I can't hold on much longer!

[ crowd gasps, murmurs ]

You really are him.

So...what do we do now?

Oh! I know!

Let's eat.

[all munching loudly]

Do you guys always eat
like this?

Mmm.
Mm.

We have to keep our strength up.

For the w*r, you know.

I'll bet she doesn't eat
like this every day.

Unfortunately, our citizens
must sacrifice for the w*r effort.

But if there wasn't a w*r,

she could eat better and
maybe even go to school.

Ben , I hate w*r, too, but
our neighbors keep attacking us.

We have to defend ourselves!

But they say the same thing.

Wait a minute.

If both of you are just
defending yourselves,

there doesn't have to be a w*r.

[ munching stops ]

Here you go, boys.

Use them in good health.

Wait!

They declared a truce!

No more fighting!

[all cheer]

That was the best scam I ever
worked.

Don't worry.

They'll be sh**ting at each
other again in no time.

You're just saying that to
make me feel better.

RED MAN:
I say he was red!

BLUE MAN:
He was blue!

I'd say any idiot knows that,
but obviously you don't!

- Red!
- Blue!

- Red!
- Blue!

- Red!
- Blue!

What are they talking
about?

Zavin, of course.

Who?

He was the wisest man who
ever lived.

He gave us our laws and stuff
like that.

There's his statue.

They made it a real long time ago,

and all the paint's faded
away.

So no one can remember
if he was red or blue, right?

You're so smart.

That's what all the fighting's
about.

RED MAN:
Say, did you call me an idiot?!

No!
You're under qualified!

- Yaah!
- Aah!

[ both grunting ]

Hey!

[grunting continues ]

This is harder than I thought.

But you're Ben .

You can do anything.

That's better.

Now, everybody shake hands.

All right. I'll start.

Ha ha!

There! That proves it!

You were with them all along!

What just happened?

You ruined everything!

You tried to shake with your
right hand!

We shake with the left!

Everyone knows that!

Come on, men!

We've got a w*r to win!

Death to the blue guys.

And have a nice day.

Got to hand it to you, Kev.

You were right about the truce
not lasting.

How'd you get to be so smart?

Experience.

ARGIT:
Aw, come on!

Cut me a little slack, will ya?

Why not?

We're in a growth industry,
aren't we?

If only they had talked
to each other.

Seems like they were doing
better before they started talking.

Talking's not the problem.

It's listening.

And it's you,
my fellow soldiers,

who are the bulwark
against the heathen blue hordes,

who wrongly claim our Zavin as
their own

and who would have our children
in school with blue trash!

It is you who --

[ crash ]

[ feedback ]

Enough!

- Oh!
- Ugh!

Help!

Don't hurt me, please!

What's going on here?!

Nobody's leaving this cave

until you work out a
peace treaty.

Impossible!

That's what I told him!

[ both scream ]

Uh, Ben ?

That was fast.

Did you work out something?

Uh, no.

We just want to know
when lunch is.

There's not going to be
any lunch --or dinner!

Not till you two come up with a
peace treaty!

You can't do that!

Uh, e-e-easy, Ben .

v*olence never accomplishes
anything.

Did you hear what you
just said?!

He means random v*olence.

w*r is orderly v*olence.

Orderly v*olence?!

BLUE MAN:
We need w*r, Ben .

That's right!

It gives people something to
blame their problems on.

If they can't afford houses
or food or schools,

it's the w*r's fault.

If there were no w*r,
they'd blame us for all that.

BLUE MAN:
Exactly.

So, can we go now?

Are you kidding?

This is the first time you two
have ever agreed on anything.

But I --

Get back in there!

[ both groan ]

There's got to be another way
out of here.

Where did you get that?

What -- this?

It's just a crystalline light.

Yes, but I've got this.

Ben !

We've come up with something.

Yes!

Ugh!

Aah!

[ beep]

Ohh!

[whirring ]

I am really starting to
hate those guys.

Men, this fight isn't about
land or money.

It's about our honor and
purity.

And above all,
it's about the reputation...

...of the great Zavin!

WAY BIG:
[deep voice]
What a load!

[ crowd gasps ]

You guys are fighting so you
won't have to fix your real problems.

Don't listen to him!

Charge!

[ indistinct shouting ]

You're going to have
to listen to me.

A few days ago,

I got a letter from a little
girl who lives here.

Doesn't matter
if she's red or blue.

All she wants is for the w*r to stop.

My friend Kevin said I'd never
be able to fix everything

in one weekend, and it looks
like he was right.

So I've made a decision.

I'm going to stay here as long
as it takes

to make you guys
come to your senses.

I've got nothing but time.

Oh, man!

Get him!

Get him!

Change into something smaller,

or you'll never lose
them!

Got to give you props, Kev.

Painting everything white sure
saves time.

And money.

We interrupt this broadcast
for a special bulletin.

The red and blue armies have
just issued a joint declaration

of w*r on the alien known as
Ben .

Hey.
Hey, that's your friend, isn't it?

Yeah, I suppose it is.

Well, what are you doing?

What do you think?

Getting out while I can.

That's gonna be too heavy.

Why don't you let me hold on to
it for you?

[laughs ]

Funny.

It was worth a try.

Ship!

[grunts ]

We have to wait!

Gwen, I --

KEVIN:
Ben! Gwen!

Grab my hand!

All I wanted to do was help.

How could it have gone so wrong?

At least they're united now.

Yeah --
against me.

Well, there is that.

I guess Mr. Cynical isn't
surprised by any of this.

[sobs ]

Kevin?

Are you...crying?

Ohhh.

You do have a heart.

[sobs ]
Yeah.

That's what poor people have
instead of money.

Dear Mr. Ben ,
I don't have a home now.

I have to work double time at
the factory.

And it's all your fault.

I finally found something I hate
more than w*r.

You!

Hey, what's this?

[gasps ]

[giggles ]