08x01 - A Piece of the Action

[bunniefuu]

good evening i am organizing a key club

it seems to be the thing to do for the uninitiated
a key club is one which members can enter only if

they possess a key these clubs are terribly
exclusive since membership is limited to men

my club is completely different it is for women
inside the club is everything a woman could want

including me you see i am the club's only bunny
but enough of my troubles this evening story has

little to do with keys or clubs it is about
gambling and is called a piece of the action

however before we proceed with that part of
our show we bring you this paid announcement

mm-hmm

put in

it opens for two bump it too

dead he ain't it

you know you're the kind of guy i love a dealer
sits cozy for two raises and then sandbags

like well

culminate

pegs god

one one give me three

taylor takes two

nice trick

you should have practiced more i was wondering
why he won the last four hands he dealt

cash me in you okay this chisler sure the
same way i'll cage you on the credit rating

that was stupid of you ally and clumsy now
you're gonna deal from the bottom of the deck

do it like this eighteen thousand

i'll go either dude what are you gonna do

duke it's the first time i swear i'll pay off

to tell you you know me i do now where
do you think you're going it's the office

duke talk to them talk to them

why don't you let them go ed yeah i heard
that before let him go ed i'm not that

charitable i lost all the other times yeah
but this time you try to win the hard way

please duke please i'm sorry ally there's nothing
i can do about it you dealt the hand play it

i've been waiting two days
to hear you say that boss

what day is it monday

hours never left the hotel room how's the
track clear and fast keep away from the rail

now you tell me you call the
house yeah what did my wife say

that's it she didn't say nothing just hung up

um maybe you ought to stop off someplace and buy
a little something hey duke later the office first

good morning miss kelly do you want coffee a pill
or the mail anything important a letter from your

brother chuck and wires from two businessmen
asking for consultations you know what i mean

did you check their credit rating they're
both a why don't those guys go to vegas

and lose their money like the common people
some businessmen can't afford public vices it

makes their stockholders nervous i got something
here that's going to make you nervous looks like

john b marsden the investment counselor
may be needing a marriage counselor

rumor has it that mrs marsden formerly
socialite alice stoneham is packing for reno

hmm

when were you home last friday it is
now monday morning yeah i'm surprised

all she wanted to do was see a lawyer i'd
have been at the missing persons bureau

you don't quit on a winning streak
you're always on a winning streak

she's waited a long time duke what is it four
years friday will be our fifth anniversary

don't worry i'll square it with what a
full-length mink she's had full-length

mink ever since she was born and what do i do
if some reporter calls about that item deny it

i want to make a phone call then bring your book
in chemo this is mr mars and is mrs marsden home

oh yes uh tell her i'd like to speak to
her not to speak anybody today where is she

down by pool oh chemo if she should ask tell
her i'm stopping off at the club for a shave

and a steam that i'm coming home thank you is this
household oh she's still there to go to anchorage

alaska oh she's sunbathing i want to send a wire
congratulations to chuck on his prospects no money

order no i sent one last month when he graduated
how much you gotta go on the books ten thousand

well he's just out of law school if he's
gonna practice law i'm gonna look like a

successful lawyer i need a little money you've
been saying that ever since i can remember

chuck needs a little money oh who should i give
it to if not my kid brother don't look now but

that kid is years old what do you want him to
do you got a pick and shovel job it's been done he

graduated with honors he's going to be a cr*cker
jack lawyer he swore he'd work hard and he did

now what do you want from him blood you're worried
aren't you duke about what well someday he could

find out that you're a professional gambler oh
he's never heard of duke marsden and he never will

just send the wire well you're the boss but
if i had a brother be glad you had a father

hmm

i had duchess i've asked you not to call me that

every duke needs one i hadn't noticed lately

don't the marsden charm doesn't work
anymore ah you've been reading those

ridiculous newspaper rumors but are getting a
divorce i'm perfectly serious duke perfect yes

serious no

hey you get out of the fish bowl and talk
to me all right baby i know you're a poker

widow i haven't been home in three days
but what's the hurry with the lawyer a bit

what are you a seal

glad to jump in this bathtub
to make you listen okay

you clown no you can't swim i know
but you wouldn't listen i had to

gamble that you wouldn't let me drown
because that's what i would do without

oh you how long how long would do i have to
wait for you to keep your promise and queen

you knew where i was you married me sure i was
still a starry-eyed debutant you were exciting

i can't live alone i'm afraid

afraid of what how easy it gets to mix
too many martinis when you don't come home

other lonely women know a place a quiet out of the
way bar where a lot of nice men stop for a drink

oh dude don't make me jump
into a pool i can't swim in

the bank of monte carlo baby

you mean that you quit i just
did then take me away someplace

damn it hawaii away when how about
friday that's our anniversary

hey wait a minute friday's the th
it'll be the luckiest day of our lives

but be here dude i'll be here
i'll be here i'll be here

you ought to try eating a salad sometime but i'm
a rabbit yeah what did you do with allie saxon

why pay for this sack how come i don't
like bucks better unbeaten that does on you

well maybe we have different tailors
say what you mean it ain't it taylor

i get the best shark skin italian soap they don't
matter i still look like i come from the dock

and you know something
marsden i come from the doctor

you don't like me do you how come i never get
lucky like you do you know something crutcher

you take losing too personally it eats you like
an ulcer that's not good for a gambler well

what can we play tomorrow we're not that's
what i came to talk to you about i'm quitting

you just took me for g's well that's poker
and you pay to learn friday's my anniversary my

wife and i are going to hawaii on my door at the
moment it's mine ready for dessert mr crutcher um

i want a chance to get even
dude you'll never get even hit

you're a pigeon you know how much a
plaster cast can itch especially in warm

climate like hawaii i haven't been scared since
i was in a haunted house at coney island at

i was five years old at the time name your game
anytime any place tomorrow afternoon i'll take

every nickel you bring with you but remember
i'm quitting this is your last chance at me

you'll sh**t craps the billiard room my
house one o'clock i'll see you then pigeon

here we are

eight looking for a .

see who that is money maybe it's your old lady
she's at the beauty parlor how long can that take

you ever see my wife she'd be there for midnight
no it's nader frankie portugal hey frankie hi

you guys seen this they found ali saxon

sh*t

so frankie some chips smiley where'd they find
him in front of the rescue mission and what was

allie doing in front of the rescue mission maybe
was waiting to be saved sh**t your point's ten

scotch water

just got in from the east a lot of
rain back there no no not in florida uh

i was on sort of a vacation must have
been nice i got lucky games huh no cars

well that's life i never even learned to play
checkers fellow in florida told me that uh if

i wanted to get in on some west coast action
this was a place to look for look mac all i

know about florida is they ship grapefruits
you're careful i i like that no i do really

what are the chances am i getting in on a game
slim and none i've got a bundle that says that

i can b*at anybody in town uh-uh you might lose
it'd be my hard luck no it'd be mine then you

wouldn't like me anymore hardly anybody does
so let's quit while we still like each other

okay friend it's your deal but i'm
staying at the hotel windsor room .

gotta have a drink first

hello big brother

fat brother why didn't you tell us oh i just
thought i'd slip in quietly and try to steal

your wife oh fat chance fat chance let's
see what they turned out at your law school

all right yeah that's good enough for the
supreme court well i'll let you and the

chief justice get reacquainted while i brief
chemo on dinner oh i asked danny to bring

out a couple of drinks will you please
what would you like uh was he sorry fine

let's talk about the law business oh what
about that uh firm in boston you wrote about

oh yeah leland ward and
merrick yeah that's the one

yep i contacted them after graduation
they offered me a job so i was hoping for

listen jack i'm really grateful about the ten
thousand you sent me ah forget it when did

you start uh i haven't made up my mind yet why
not well see i met leland through his daughter

jack she's a fabulous girl fabulous she's like
alice you know what i mean yeah i'm trying

well she's used to things like this

jack a law clerk job sounds like the beginning of
a long long road yeah what are you trying to tell

me that she's interested in you only if you've
got money i didn't say that it sounds like it

look chuck you've got an education
that's worth more than money

i thought you i'd find out exactly what this
girl is thinking before i made any definite plans

look jack i owe you a lot but i can make
my own decision you can what i said i can

wait here

what is it danny could you come
inside for a second i can't wait

something important come up
let's go i'll be right out

what is it danny you're uh
interrupting a family reunion

that guy you're talking to coming to pete's
couldn't if he's my brother you know he said

he was from florida looking for a game
he's got a bundle you're sure i'm sure

your local stations have been
clamoring for a piece of the action

so we are rewarding them with the following
segment to identify themselves this should

be enough time unless some of them
have extraordinarily long call

letters

jack i'm sorry i snapped at you like that so am
i i'm not a kid anymore i've got to live my own

life you put her right in the line don't you yes
just like you did with the money i sent you it's

a nice tan you've got did you get it in boston
or florida you've been having me followed no

you sent me ten thousand dollars jack
i didn't know there were any strings

at that keep your voice down all right all
right i took the money i went to florida

and i sat in on a game a big game they're
all big games right from the first little one

and i made a big score jack grand and
they're all big scores right from the first

easy buck don't lecture me i'm not lecturing
everybody gambles jack your business investments

it's legal it's slow respectable but it's
gambling and you know it who's talking about

my business oh jack jack i'm sorry i'm sorry but
we're just different that's all we always were

you're like mom a worrier i'm more like the old
man what do you know about the old man you were

seven years old when he d*ed i know he knew
how to live and he k*lled everything around

him including mom she's the one who kept us alive
i should have known better than a company now you

listen to me punk maybe you were too young to
know or too dumb where we used to get thrown

out of one cheap dump after the other
you sang that to me in high school

i never went to high school i had a shoe shine
box when i was because the old man threw all

of his dough away gambling but you don't remember
that you only remember the few times he won the

trips of coney island the cotton candy the
ferris wheel i like coney island jack sue me

you better get out of here before i
do something we'll both be sorry for

you know you're just forgetting one little
thing the old man was a born loser but i'm not

then quit while you're ahead all gamblers die
broke my uh apologies to alice for the dinner

can a lady get a drink here on escort
a lady can get anything she wants here

if she's unescorted right where's chuck
changing for dinner you had to leave

what happened john we had a little row that's all
about what did he find out about you no he didn't

find out about me it's uh an old family thing
i'm family name's marsden i like it that way

what was it darling about his plans that's all
do you mind if we don't talk about it all right

hiya duchess mr friday

to hawaii us

am i gonna keep you busy tomorrow mister
you're gonna make like a husband tomorrow

we've got shopping last minute things i
have to go to town for a while not the

office i have to close that too don't i get
the plane tickets square things with chuck

oh what's our flight time friday one o'clock
then we'll have to leave for the airport by noon

hmm i can hardly wait there you are

until noon friday i'll be here

well the secretary said minutes it's
been . yeah game salon for tonight yeah ed

i know it's july but i'm going to give you
a christmas present like what well there's

a young kid in from florida looking for a game
i want him cleaned what's in it about .

how come you're so good to me dude well you're
the heavy loser i thought i'd throw it your way

why don't you give them the bath
yourself i'll be busy packing

what's your piece of the accident nothing i'll
probably be gone before the game's over yeah

i'm gone you know well this fish is beginning
to have a little ogre dude this fish is so fresh

it's pathetic how do i get in touch with this
guy windsor hotel room but uh pete'll's

do you tune we're set up with the colonial arms
o'clock keep the change though it's on me ed

are you catching a train darling watch keep
looking at it oh man's loose what time is it

almost . should we have a coffee inside no or
out here at the bottom of the pool brian oh honey

i might as well be in china ah sorry baby
i'm back now i'll get the coffee oh don't go

this is a new and funny feeling what asking me to
stay mrs yahweh you were always anxious to leave

me nobody's ever going to leave anybody again
everybody stays just like this where they belong

straight to the king that does it

who is it florida

come on in kid my name's ed

okay here grab it that's the hot seat it will be

what are they playing this year in florida
this isn't florida we play dealer's choice

for money twenty thousand first buy white's
a hundred reds five and lose a thousand

hello hello duke ed crutcher wait a minute

i told you not to call my home especially not in
the middle of the night well it's the middle of

the night here too and you better get over here
in a hurry and i'm not kidding i told you i'm

quitting i don't care about you it's that fish you
sent us dookie boy it's beginning to stink he's

taking a grand in four hours you don't know
how to pluck a chicken when it's handed to you

no but i know how to stuff one and your christmas
present may just end up at the rescue mission

danny get the car out meet me by
the side of the house right away

look i thought i came here
to play cards play solitaire

i might try quitting that i wouldn't try well then
what are we waiting for let's play cards waiting

for fresh blood who the guy who steered you here
duke i told you i don't know anybody named duke

he's the one who phoned me little
boy blue he don't know anything

i know a girl like that once innocent
diamonds up to here minutes pretty quick

head shark

what is this big brother watching over me

i thought you didn't know him like he said and
his brother well you forgot to mention that luke

duke

you you heard the man uh a
fish from florida he says

is that what you told him luke you being
funny oh i'm just waiting for the lecture

me a stick there's no lecture on the evils of
gambling big brother no lecture just a lesson

my big square successful brother

now you're a bigger phony
than the old man ever was

you gonna talk or play with you i
wouldn't miss it i smell a frame

this was a frame i wouldn't be here this is
between him and me yeah on our money i'll

get it back for you couldn't take it away from
me with a g*n oh i could you're playing or not

you're gonna trust me i trust everybody
especially brothers ed play or get out

yeah well i'll be watching you all you'll see
is what you pay to see when you call auntie

jacks are better

investments

you were my investment

your eye

check to the possible flush

five blues five

and five again

three shy cash i haven't got any
more on me well i owe you grand

remember you better save those i
don't seem to need them anymore dude

oh

ace wide hold it how do you know he ain't got
the flush because he didn't raise well we'll see

don't ever do that again ed i just wanted to
make sure you weren't folding the flush to him

nobody sees my cards unless they pay for them

no wonder you're giving lessons tonight how'd
you like a wrap in the mouth oh uh big brother

wouldn't let you do that come on knock it off
you need some food and a couple of fresh decks

of cards these are getting soggy from handling
no room service between midnight and seven

danny's waiting in my car the desk
can send someone out to tell him

and get the cards at the all-night
drugstore and the food at tinies

i'm going to take a shower why
shower you're still taking a bath

a desk the chauffeur waiting outside in a car
would you ask him to come into the phone please

mr marston's office oh no mrs marston uh no
i just got in myself it's just nine o'clock

will you have him call me if he does
or danny if you hear from him call

two and three more

you're slowing down

pull

last cut

bet the kings i check

check

five grand

boom

five again fold let's try that
again you're five and up you .

all right i call you three nines

i knew you improved and i knew you knew but you
just didn't know how much that hurt didn't it

just shut up and deal oh getting emotional that
means scared do you mind that the rest of us play

low hmm you know i hate the
game ed you're not dealing

smiley find pet

you do too that's right i come out betty

i call all right and raise five

oh

call

you're five

ten better

good idea there's a ten i'll raise it
twenty twenty thousand dollars to call

call only got . save it i'll
tell you from your next hand

you're bluffing i can read you

i call .

too shy

ed i'll make you a side bet just
in case his dumb luck comes back

okay

i'm in king's full

well let me see here

four little deuces

looks like you came in third little brother

you want another stack i've got plenty

i'm broken you know it you wouldn't listen you
thought it was all cotton candy in coney island

open the door smiley

i get out

we've got to go and keep the money split
it any way you like you're a big man duke

why it was a great act i've been
waiting a long time for the finish

i'm glad you enjoyed it i didn't i just
said it was great eight of diamonds

jack of spades a mark that i sent
you a pigeon you couldn't take them

i had to cure him in a hurry it didn't cost
you anything not this time there were a couple

of other pitches that didn't pay off for us
like this one yeah i'm thinking about that

maybe it's because of your brother you're
making this generous gesture you sent your

driver for the cards the night we played at the
grover now yeah and you win big that night duke

and those other nights all those other nights
all those games are on the level were they

look at i don't care what you think and i'm
not ali saxon you're not leading me out of

here like a lamb so get out of my way i got
a plane to catch go ahead see what you catch

hearing for me oh yes kimo bring my car around
to the front and put my luggage in the trunk

just mine mr mazdan car just
come up drive do as i say please

hello mrs marsden goodbye you said no and it's
just known whatever the time is it's too late

i'm sorry baby i couldn't help it

we're always sorry you know i think that's what
i'm the most tired of a world full of sorry people

i'm leaving without you duke

look what is it darling

we must have to shut up danny

i had a little accident with a g*n
call a doctor quickly danny get help

you'll be all right darling i know
you will but only a tender one

now be a jump

those are good eyes

i figure

just making it feel folks home
was there enough of a camel

duke

oh no

never said a word just get him home by noon

in tonight's play everyone learned a lesson
ed and the boys learned that one shouldn't go

about sh**ting people the police took a hand
in teaching them that chuck learned that you

shouldn't gamble duke learned you shouldn't
cheat at cards and alice learned that you

shouldn't marry an investment counsellor
there is also sad news about my new key club

it has become even more exclusive than we planned
the sheriff is now our only member we've been

padlocked i shall be back next week with another
drama scenes of which will appear in just a

moment

oh

you