02x06 - The Click

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Hacks". Aired: May 13, 2021 –; present.*
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A dark mentorship forms between Deborah, a legendary Vegas comic, and an outcast 25-year-old comedy writer.
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02x06 - The Click

Post by bunniefuu »

[GROANS] We're going backwards.

Felt better a week ago.

Okay, hear me out.

Maybe we're working too hard.

Maybe we need to rest our brains.

- [PHONE VIBRATES]
- DJ's texting you.

- How do you know?
- I can read it from here.

Your text setting is enormous.

It's like the top row of an eye exam.

Oh, God, it's another
message about ancestry.com.

Ever since she decided to have a kid,

DJ's obsessed with our family heritage.

Oh, I did that, and I found out

I had a second cousin
who lived an hour away

who did not wanna get coffee.

Huh, it appears I'm a descendant

of a person in the Salem witch trials.

Betty Parris.

Wait, could we use this for the show?

Like, maybe this is the through line

we've been looking for.

Oh, maybe.

Um, something about how
her story mirrors mine.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Umm,

beautiful, brilliant woman

blazing her own path in
a male-dominated world.

- Yes!
- Unfairly persecuted.

Found guilty in the
court of public opinion.

- b*rned at the stake.
- Yes, exactly!

Oh, this is good. This is good.

Um... oh, oh, I know. I
know how it could start.

Ooh, sh**t.

What?

Okay, it turns out
Betty Parris was actually

one of the Salem witch trial accusers.

She and Abigail Williams kinda
kicked the whole thing off.

Lotta innocent women dead.

Her fault.

- Mm.
- Mm.

- [EXHALES]
- Well, I don't need

- a stupid through line for my show.
- Not at all.

Literally dumb.

Not my department, and
I know you hate puppets,

- but I was thinking that...
- I know.

I know.

Babe, hi.

Oh, I am in such a rut.

I need you.

Yeah.

How quickly can you get to Memphis?

[JO JO GUNNE'S "RUN RUN RUN"]

♪ Doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo ♪

♪ Run run run, run run run ♪

♪ Doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo ♪

♪ Run run run, run run run ♪

♪ Oh, load up your mama ♪

♪ We'll ride on out to the line ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Run ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Run ♪

♪ ♪

- Hi!
- [ALL CHEERING]

Thank you for the ride,

and remember, love can
be an addiction, too,

so set boundaries.

It'll be good for you and her.

I love you so much. Bye!

- Thank you!
- Kiki!

Yay.

[ALL TALKING EXCITEDLY]

♪ Run ♪

What else?

Oh, I got a haircut.

But it kinda grew out,
so you can't really tell.

- It's cute.
- Thank you.

And there's this really weird
smell in Vegas right now.

No one knows what it is,

- but I think it's feet.
- Feet?

All those shoes people leave behind?

When I'm at my table, girls
will literally take off

their high heels, and they will
never, ever come back for them.

No, it's true. The
Palmetto lost and found

is full of Jessica Simpson-brand shoes.

I go a lot 'cause I
keep losing my retainer.

But don't worry. I always find it.

Anyway, I'm just happy to be here.

I've always wanted to visit,
and I love Memphis music.

Wait, really? Like
what? Like... like Elvis?

No, like Three Mafia,
Pooh Shiesty, Project Pat,

Young Dolph, Yo Gotti, NLE Choppa.

Really? Hello!

Oh, Deborah, that's . I'm sorry.

Yes, I can count.

- Hm.
- Ugh!

Damn it.

I need this to get back
into my pre-show rhythm.

Come on, bust, bust,
bust, bust, bust, bust.

- Ava wins.
- Shh.

- [EXHALES HEAVILY]
- Oh, Deborah's suing me.

Stop trying to cheer me up.

[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

♪ If push ♪

♪ Comes to a shove ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You've got to keep your head ♪

♪ Above the water ♪

Um, not to add more to your plate,

but you should know that Axel is here.

- Axel Axel?
- Yes.

Apparently, his restraining order lapsed

- a couple years ago.
- Sorry, but who is Axel Axel?

- One of Deborah's stalkers.
- One of?

How many stalkers do you have?

Living? .

Mm, . Donna d*ed.

Oh, she did?

Oh, she was sweet.

What an athlete.

She scaled that -foot
pergola like it was nothing.

[LAUGHTER]

I mean, seriously,

my little sister steals my husband.

[CROWD MUTTERS]

She used to just steal my dolls.

[LAUGHTER]

But seriously, that...

that was the worst feeling in the world.

And I once bombed so bad at a USO show,

they put me on the No Fly List.

[LAUGHTER]

So for tomorrow, we have requests

for two radio interviews.

One's with "Gonzo and the Bean."

Let's do the other one.

Wait a second. Where's... where's Axel?

Where's Axel?

Is that him?

Is he leaving?

Hey, Axel.

Wait. a*... Axel!

Axel! Hey, hey!

Hey, hey, Axel, Axel, Axel.

- Oh, wow! Hi!
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Deborah.

Hi.

How you doing?

I'm doing better. Thank you for asking.

Got my own apartment.

Just started working at Best Buy.

Good, good, good, good. So, um...

did you... did you see the show?

Yeah, yeah.

It was good.

- It was different.
- Yeah, it's a whole...

it's a whole different thing, so...

what'd you think?

I mean, you're always great to watch.

I don't know, it just wasn't
the Deborah Vance I'm used to.

Oh, you mean the Deborah
Vance that you sent

a Ziploc bag full of pubic hair to?

[LAUGHS] I don't do that anymore.

There were some funny
jokes, but... but...

it just...

it was kind of a bummer,

and I didn't really
expect that from you.

I miss the Deborah who
takes everyone down.

Yeah. Huh.

Well, nice to see you, Axel.

Oh, quick question while I have you.

Do you know if Chelsea
Handler still lives

in Brentwood, California?

No, I don't,

and I wouldn't tell you even if I did.

You know, she never visits Chuy's grave.

- Goodbye, Axel.
- [SCOFFS]

Oof, it's so scary having a stalker.

Oh, you kinda get used to it.

Someone obsessed with you who
could just show up at any moment.

- Ava!
- BOTH: Oh!

- Mom.
- [LAUGHING]

- What are you doing here?
- Well, you said the tour

was in Memphis for a couple nights,

and you said... you said it
would be fun if I visited.

Those were two different
conversations, but hi.

Oh, honey. Oh, it's so good to see you.

- Hi, I'm Kiki.
- Hi.

Oh, uh... uh, Kiki,
this is my mom, Nina.

Mom, this is my friend Kiki.

A friend!

Oh, Kiki, it's so nice to meet you.

Ava's never mentioned you.

I did, actually.

No, it's okay.

I'm kinda hard to describe anyway.

Kinda have to experience it.

- I love your hair.
- Oh, thanks.

Well, they're extensions.

- No, I... I know that.
- [GIGGLES]

- Well, hello.
- Hi. Oh, Deborah.

- Hi.
- It's so good to see you.

Hi. How are you? This is fun.

I didn't know that you
were coming to visit.

[LAUGHING] No one did. No one did.

So, uh, Mom, Kiki and I
were gonna go to a bar,

but I guess we can get
you settled at the hotel.

Oh, no. No, let's go out.

We can all go, right?

Um, no, Deborah doesn't wanna go...

Oh, I need to.

My own stalker just ran away from me.

I could use a couple of drinks.

Whoo! Girls' night out! [LAUGHTER]

Yeah, that's what girls' night out is:

just two friends, someone's
mom, and their boss.

I'm someone's mom too, actually.

- So am I.
- Well, moms' night out then.

- Plus Ava.
- Whoo!

There you go. Whoo!

- [UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC]
- Whoo-hoo!

♪ ♪

Whoo!

Why aren't you and your
daughter's father together?

We were for a little bit,
but we just annoy each other,

so I couldn't live with him.

I... but I love him. I
love him as a co-parent.

Well, how do your parents feel

about you not being married?

I mean, aren't Asian
families very traditional?

- Mom.
- No, it's cool.

I love nosy people. Uh, yeah, obviously,

they're not in love with the fact

that we're not married, but, you know,

they're happy that we got Luna.

Was it hard raising an only child?

Because Luna keeps asking
me for a little sister,

and I don't know!

Oh, no, no. It was fine.

And-and Ava was more
than enough to handle.

- And she turned out great.
- Yeah.

But only because I worked very hard

to make sure she was never lonely.

Actually, I was so lonely,
I used to draw faces

on our pillows and talk to them.

Oh, yeah. She ruined so many pillows.

But it gave her a great
sense of humor, I guess.

Oh, I don't think Luna's gonna be funny.

She's really comfortable with herself.

Okay, okay.

- Thank you.
- Oh, Deborah, thank you.

- You didn't get anything?
- I couldn't carry it all.

Two vodka rocks?

Those are for me. Thank you.

- Oh, my God.
- Whoo!

- Thank you, thank you.
- So, Deborah,

how's the big show going?

Eh, not great.

No, it's great. It's great.

Yeah, you're being too hard on yourself.

I mean, the show doesn't
need to be a laugh a minute.

It's not about laughs.
It's-it's a feeling, you know?

I can tell when the
audience isn't fully with me,

and they're not.

You haven't been up
there million times.

You can't hear it the way I can.

I relate to that so much, Deborah.

When I'm doing a pitch,

I can always tell when
they're not gonna buy.

Uh, what?

- Oh, my God, I forgot.
- A pitch?

I forgot to tell you.

I got a job. I'm a Vibamins rep.

I'm selling all-natural
health and beauty supplements.

Well, that's interesting. Good for you.

Thank you. Uh, you could do it too, Ava.

You could find people on
the road to work for you.

- Work for me?
- Mm-hmm.

Hold on. Is this an MLM?

A what? No, no, no, no.

No, it's an effervescent
vitamin tablet...

No, no, no, like, the
more people you recruit,

the more money you make?

Yeah, well, of course.

What?

Mom, that's a pyramid scheme.

No! That's impossible.

- It's on Facebook.
- Oh, my God.

- Mom!
- What? What are you saying?

- What did I say?
- Hey, Deborah...

Deborah and I are gonna take a lap.

- Mm.
- Be right back.

It's women-owned, Ava.

It's an innocent thing.

I'm making a lot of money,

and so is the whole neighborhood.

Hazel Smith who lives
next door is so excited.

Her husband's a little
upset about the $ , ,

but she's really thrilled.

♪ ♪

I mean, sure, I have the money,

but I... I don't wanna go to space.

Ugh, no. I never wanna go to space.

I do not wanna feel
like a grain of sand.

- No.
- No.

♪ ♪

- Deborah?
- Mm?

There is a guy staring at you.

People stare at me all
the time... I'm famous.

No, no, no, no, no.

These are "f*ck me" eyes,

not "I've seen you on 'The View'" eyes.

Oh, God. You're insane.

He could be my son.

Never know. Why don't you go say hi?

- Follow the fun.
- Absolutely not.

What?

What?

- [SIGHS]
- Have fun.

- No.
- Bye.

♪ ♪

- Hi.
- Oh, Christ.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Where'd your mom go?

Oh, she got upset that I thought

she's in a pyramid
scheme, which she is...

- Yeah, she is.
- She went to go ride the bull.

- Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
- [CHEERING]

Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

- Huh.
- This whole thing is so weird.

Well, it's nice that
she wanted to visit.

I guess.

But sometimes it's hard
to have, like, casual fun

when we never talk about the real stuff

that could actually make us close.

But that'll never happen.

Well, I don't know. Maybe it could.

Like, it's just the two of you now,

and she did come all this way.

This could be a good
time for a fresh start.

Yeah.

- Maybe you're right.
- [CHEERING]

She's certainly showing
new sides of herself.

Whoo-hoo! Ava!

- Whoo!
- [LAUGHTER]

- [CROWD CHEERING]
- Whoo! Whoo!

- Oh!
- Ooh.

Whoo, Ava! Kiki!

- Oh, she's...
- Oh, she's good. Yeah, yeah.

Whoo!

- Where's Deborah?
- Oh, she's about

to get her titties
sucked by a -year-old.

[GASPS]

[LAUGHS]

I didn't know attractive
people could be so funny.

- Oh, we can.
- Oh, yeah?

Yes, yes. No, it's a myth

that we want ugly people to believe

- just to keep the peace.
- [LAUGHS]

People don't like you to have both.

Well, I like that you have both.

Well, I like that you have one.

Well, which one's that?

I'm not gonna tell you yet.

- Oh, no?
- [LAUGHS]

Okay. Okay.

So what do you do?

[LAUGHS]

You really don't know?

No. Should I?

No.

[CHUCKLES]

Why are you talking to me?

Oh, wow, uh...

♪ ♪

I think you're attractive.

Oh, God.

[LAUGHS] What, what?

You have a fetish for older women?

♪ ♪

I guess I do.

I like older women.

That a bad thing?

- Huh?
- I don't wanna think about it.

♪ ♪

Wow.

Bold.

You just asked me if I had
a fetish for older women.

So I think you're bold.

Well, I guess we're both bold.

I guess we're both bold.

[LAUGHS]

You wanna come back to my place?

♪ ♪

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪ They don't know ♪

♪ And they don't know
nobody's business ♪


♪ ♪

[WHISPERING] So it's a
different driver every time?

♪ ♪

[WHISPERING] Yeah.

It's just like a taxi.

You'll never see him again.

♪ ♪

- [DOOR BEEPS]
- See, they're hard, those cards.

Like, whatever happened to keys?

I don't understand.

[GASPS] The bed.

[HUMMING]

All right. We should order a movie.

Do they... wait, do
they have "Pretty Woman"?

Mom, no. It's late and you're drunk.

I don't wanna start a movie.

- I am not drunk.
- [SCOFFS]

All right.

Hey, um, Mom,

what about tomorrow morning,
we get some breakfast?

I read about this place,
Mary's Pancake House.

We could, you know, catch
up and talk for real.

Oh, yeah. I love that idea.

- Okay, great.
- [GASPS]

They do! They do have "Pretty Woman"!

[LAUGHS] I'm hitting play.

Oh, God.

He is so ha... handsome.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

So I moved down too.

Got a job at FedEx.

Benefits are good.

Get to see my kids every week.

- [CRACKS OPEN BEER]
- That's nice.

Thank you.

- [EXHALES HEAVILY]
- Mmm.

Ah, beer.

I remember you. [CHUCKLES]

How'd you get this scar?

Oh. [LAUGHS SOFTLY]

When I was a kid,

there was a bully in our neighborhood

who was chasing my
little sister on his bike.

So I tackled him.

- You tackled him?
- [LAUGHS]

That's sweet.

You guys close?

We were.

Then she ran off with my husband.

Jesus Christ, you're kidding?

Mm-mm.

That's f*cking crazy.

How could they do that to you?

Truth be told, it wasn't
entirely their fault.

I think they both felt
neglected because I cared

more about my career
than I did about them.

Ah.

Let's not talk about that.

Yeah.

You want a massage?

Let's leave that to the professionals.

Wow.

Are you too tired?

No.

[KISSES]

[BOTTLES CLINK]

This is crazy.

Go with it.

Okay. [LAUGHS]

Mmm.

- [DOOR BEEPS]
- Mm, oh.

Come back later, please.

[DOOR SLAMS] Mom?

I'm just getting back
from breakfast, and here,

I got your favorite,
chocolate chip pancakes.

They're so good.

Wait. You went without me?

The whole point was
for us to go together.

Why didn't you wake
me up? I set my alarm.

I turned it off. You looked so tired.

I looked tired while I was sleeping?

Yeah, plus I know how
much you love sleeping in.

You were addicted to it
when you were a teenager.

- I was clinically depressed.
- No, you weren't!

That was an iron deficiency

because you went vegetarian.

Happy people eat steak, Ava.

Bridget, down the street,
she's a happy girl.

She plays field hockey
and eats two steaks a week.

- Okay.
- [SIGHS] Okay, good.

Um, so will... will you listen

to my practice pitch to Deborah?

Pitch to Deborah? Mom, no.

Deborah's not interested in Vibamins.

She was just being nice.

She said it was interesting.

Aren't you always telling
me to believe women?

It's exhausting, but we do.

Okay, uh, will you
help me move the desk?

Maybe I-I'll stand over here.

- [SIGHS]
- Okay, Deborah.

[GIGGLES]

You're someone who knows
how important self-care is.

This is our best-selling collagen balm.

It is five times the
daily recommended intake

of collagen, plus there is
turmeric and seaweed in it.

- Why?
- I don't know, Ava.

I'm a saleswoman, not a scientist.

sh**t, um, could... could
you hand me a bottle of water?

I should have that
ready to go next time.

Okay. All right.

So in three to five minutes,

you have a delicious
raspberry... [GASPS]

- Oh!
- Oh, no!

- Mom!
- Oh, sh**t! Oh!

- f*ck.
- Oh, God, oh, God, okay.

This is the notebook we
use for Deborah's show.

- It's all our work!
- You gave me sparkling water!

So it's my fault? You're
not even gonna apologize

for getting it all over the notebook?

How was I supposed to
know this was sparkling?

It's Perrier! It's always sparkling!

- It's famously sparkling water!
- Well, I don't sit around

in fancy hotels drinking fancy water.

I can't believe you won't
just say you're sorry.

Okay! I'm sorry!

But that's just a notebook!

I mean, if it's good
enough, you'll remember it.

- That's not how it works.
- Look... oh, wait, here.


- Here's some papers.
- No, not those!

Wait. What is this?

Wait, Ava, "Vance v. Daniels"?

Um, Deborah...

is suing me.

Ava.

What did you do?

[LAUGHS] What did I do?

Why do you assume I'm the
one who did something wrong?

Because that's usually the case.

Oh, my God.

Is she gonna come after me?

It has nothing to do with you, Mom.

- Oh.
- What are you doing?

No, I'm... I'm calling
your cousin Randall.

He went to Suffolk Law.

Randall?

He took two night classes
in paralegal studies.

- He can't help us.
- Hi, sweetie.

It's Auntie... yeah,
it's your Auntie Nina.

[CRYING]

- Terrible!
- Mom.

[SMOOTH JAZZY NOTES]

♪ ♪

[DOOR SQUEAKS]

[VIDEO GAME g*nf*re]

Hello, boys.

Uh...

You're sitting on my fur.

Oh, oh, sh*t. Sorry.

That's quite all right.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Have a nice day.

- [DOOR CLICKS SHUT]
- Holy sh*t.

- Do you know who that was?
- No.

That's Deborah Vance.

We have her spice rack.

[GASPS] Oh, my God.

I-I gotta go call my mom.

[HAIRDRYER BLOWING]

[SIGHS]

You're leaving already?

Oh, well, you know,

I like to get to the airport
four hours ahead of time.

And I was hoping to
get a nap on the plane,

but I don't think
that's gonna happen now

'cause I'm gonna be
worrying about this lawsuit.

And you know, I can barely sleep at home

because Mr. Cream Pie
does zoomies all night.

[SIGHS]

Mom, don't worry about me.

I...

I have an amazing lawyer
who's doing it pro bono.

Yeah, she's...

I mean, he is really confident

he can get it dismissed.

Oh, really?

Oh, good.

Oh, good, good.

Somebody knows what they're doing?

Yes. It's okay.

He's tall too.

[SIGHS]

Here.

Don't forget your Vibamins.

Oh, no. Those are for you.

You probably don't want them.

[GROANS]

I just have all this
time on my hands now.

And I was hoping that you
would just be proud of me

for doing something.

I am proud of you, Mom.

You're...

a girlboss.

Oh, oh.

They... they put that on a T-shirt

if you hit your volume quota.

I bet.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, if you're willing
to get to the airport

only three hours ahead of time,
we could finish "Pretty Woman."

Really? Oh, good. Oh, good.

Oh, good.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION ON TV]

You know, this is how
your father and I met.

- You were a prost*tute?
- [LAUGHS]

- Hell yeah.
- Ava.

I was there with my
girlfriend, Joyce Petracelli,

and he was there with Joyce's brother,

and so we ended up sitting together.

Oh. Did he like the movie?

- Oh, he fell asleep.
- [LAUGHS]

How much is this, Marie?

Yeah, that sounds like him.

Oh, I do miss him
falling asleep everywhere.

Look, I got money to spend in here.

- He was really good at it.
- Yeah.

You're obviously in the wrong place.

Please leave.

[INDISTINCT SPEECH OVER PA]

Sorry I'm late.

Did I miss Kiki?

- Yeah, she went home.
- Oh.

Where's your mom?

She out getting her
belly button pierced?

[LAUGHS] Maybe.

Did you guys have a good time?

Uh, not really.

It was mostly just yelling
and watching "Pretty Woman."

Ah..

[HOST TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

[LAUGHTER]

Did you have nice time?

- I did.
- Okay, pop off, slut.

- Ladies and gentlemen...
- Oh, nope, sorry.

- That's not...
- Deborah Vance!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Whoo!

Go, girl!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- [LAUGHTER]
- You... you laugh.


My sister stole my husband.

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

I thought it was bad enough
when she just stole my dolls.

[LAUGHTER]

That... that was truly the
worst feeling in the world.

And I...

[LAUGHS]

Actually, no, it wasn't.

It actually wasn't the
worst feeling in the world.

The worst feeling in the world
was losing a late-night show.

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHS]

I'm serious!

That was absolutely the worst.

I mean, I had the opportunity to host

my own late-night TV talk show.

I would've been the first
woman ever to do that.

But it never aired.

And that had been my dream,

and I was so close.

I got over my husband,
but I never got over that.

[LAUGHTER]

No joke. I... I... I was a wreck.

At one point, my little
girl came up to me

and she asked if it was her fault.

And I said, "No, honey.

Of course not. I mean,
the network loved you.

It just... " [LAUGHTER]

And she said... was like,

"No, I mean when you
and Daddy got divorced."

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHS]

Oh, that!

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHS] Hey, sir, how 'bout you?

What is the worst thing
that's ever happened to you?

Um, I guess it's when
my mom d*ed of cancer.

[CROWD MURMURS]

Cancer. That is a sad one.

And I'm sorry.

But let me ask you a question.

If you had one wish,

would you rather bring
your mom back to life...

or host a late-night talk show?

[LAUGHTER]

I would bring my mom back to life.

See, I can't relate to that!

[LAUGHTER]

Are you crazy?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

We're talking : time slot here.

[LAUGHTER] Syndication.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Deborah Vance, everybody!

- That was amazing.
- Yeah, that was it.

That was it, I've been
doing this woe-is-me sh*t,

and... and I need to balance it.

I need to make more fun of myself.

Okay, but the whole point

was to stop making yourself
the butt of the joke.

No, but I was never
the butt of the joke.

It was a caricature of myself that was.

Yeah, but you shouldn't
be the punching bag.

- I mean, you were mistreated.
- No, I know.

I've still got plenty of that stuff.

No, no, no, but listen,

I have to admit what I did wrong too.

You said it yourself.

I have to hold myself accountable.

What? When did I say that?

In your stupid email.

I am a bully who's been
thinking of myself as the victim.

I mean, people like me because
I take everyone down, right?

Well, I need to take myself down too,

in a real way.

Right. Right.

- %.
- Yeah, no, no.

Don't need that. Don't need that.

No more, no more.

If it's good, we'll remember it.

You had the answer months ago.

Why didn't you just tell me?

[THE KIKI DEE BAND'S "I'VE
GOT THE MUSIC IN ME"]


All right.

♪ Ain't got no trouble in my life ♪

Yeah, that premise thing...

but I think... wait.
But it's a little wordy.

See, if you cut out...
just end it there.

- [LAUGHS]
- How many women do you have

to care about to be a feminist?

I mean, what if I only
care about one woman?

Me! [LAUGHTER]

♪ I heat up ♪

I wasn't a great mother.

I missed my daughter's first steps.

But I made it up to her.

I was the reason she did more.

[LAUGHTER] So then my doctor told me

I have to choose between
breastfeeding and formula.

Do I want to bond with my baby,

or do I want to keep my perfect breasts?

So I turned to my husband and I said,

"Go to the grocery store."

[LAUGHTER]

♪ I got the music in me ♪

♪ I got the music in me, yeah ♪

Okay, so I really think we
go into this part after...

- No, no, I'm adding the parent
-teacher story there.

So one day, DJ had a
parent-teacher conference,

but I had a gig in D.C.,

so I sent Bill, my drag impersonator.

Anyway, DJ was scarred for life,

but I crushed at Liberty Hall.

[LAUGHS] And then I can go
into... into the Susan stuff.

I erased her name.

I've always been so
competitive with other women.

I mean, I once stole
backup dancers from Cher.

I'm a comedian! I don't
use backup dancers.

Oh, oh, you can punch that
with, "They were my"...

Backup backup dancers.

♪ I got the music in me ♪

So I was court-ordered
to see a psychologist.

After only two sessions, he
knew what was wrong with me:

I needed to have sex with him.

Yeah, most people have an
hour with their therapist.

I got three minutes.

Or, "Ironically,

he was the one therapist
who never asked"...

And how did that make you feel?

And you could be like,
"I didn't even know

- the tissue box was for crying."
- [LAUGHS]

I didn't even know the
tissue box was for crying.

I thought it was for cleanup.

[LAUGHTER]

♪ I got the music in me ♪

I wear high heels that hurt my back,

most of my meals are % lettuce,

and I get skin treatments
that make my face bleed.

Not only do I not regret that,

I hate women who don't make the effort.

I think they're quitters.

You think it's brave
showing your bare face

and gray hair in society?

Try signing a waiver
that says you might die

during elective surgery.

Now that takes guts!

[LAUGHTER]

♪ I got the music in me, yeah ♪

♪ I got the music in me ♪

♪ I got the music ♪

♪ I got the music ♪

♪ Pretty music ♪

- Thank you!
- ♪ I got the music ♪


- Holy sh*t. That was amazing.
- So good.

We got it. Marcus,
you're gonna call Jimmy,

- you're gonna cancel the showcase.
- Wait, wait. What?

This isn't a residency.
This is bigger than Vegas.

This is a special. We're
gonna go to the networks

and we're gonna sell it.

We're going to LA, baby!

Fun.

♪ I got the music in me ♪

♪ I got the music in me ♪

♪ I got the music in me ♪

♪ I got the music in me,
I got the music in me ♪


♪ I got the music in me ♪

♪ Don't let it get ya down,
don't let it get ya down ♪


♪ Don't let it get you down ♪

♪ I got the music in me ♪

♪ I got the music in me,
I got the music in me ♪


♪ Gonna fly like a bird on the wing ♪

♪ Hold on to
your hat, honey ♪


♪ Sing, sing, sing, sing ♪

♪ I got the music in me,
I got the music in me ♪


♪ I got the music in me ♪

♪ Don't let it get you down,
don't let it get you down ♪


♪ Don't let it get you down ♪

♪ I got the music in me,
I got the music in me ♪


♪ I got the music in me ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Don't let it get you down,
don't let it get you down ♪


♪ Don't let it get you down ♪

♪ I got the music in me ♪
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