03x20 - Rozes are Red

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Bizaardvark". Aired June 24, 2016 - April 2019.*
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"Bizaardvark" follows two 12 year-old best friends, who post funny songs and comedic videos about their everyday lives on the Internet.
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03x20 - Rozes are Red

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ ♪

(sighs) The open road,

the wind in my hair,

nobody telling me what to do.

You're still at the curb,

that's the AC,

and as required by law,

I absolutely will be
telling you what to do.

GRANDMA: Or...

I'll just do it for you.

Thanks to the Vuuugle Van's
remote technology,

I can control everything
with this tablet.

- Reverse.
- (tablet button beeps)

(tires whir)

- Forward.
- (tires whir)

- (tablet button beeps)
- Pine-scented air freshener.

- (air freshener sprays)
- (coughing, choking)

Too much nature! Too much nature!

I regret nothing.

Now, take us out slowly.

Yeah, yeah.

A few months of this,

then it's goodbye driver's permit,

hello driver's license.

Then it's goodbye Malibu,

hello trucking career.

You driving is the best.

I get all the perks,

with none of the responsibility!

It's like when someone blows
out your birthday candles.

It takes all the pressure off the wish.

All right, slow down!

You're learning to drive,

not trying to win a drag race.

- Slow.
- (tablet button beeps)

I know how to gradually
press the brake pedal.

But sure, use the tablet.
I'm not offended.

I'm so glad.

Also I don't care.

Now, let's see you try to pass that car.

Give it some gas!

Oh, actually, the van
doesn't run on gas,

it's electric,

which means we're saving money,

and the world. (chuckles)

Oh. I am so me sometimes.

Well, I don't care what it runs on,

you're not passing fast enough.

Grandma, I think I know what I'm doing.

You're talking to Frankie Wong,

Super Driver!

Woo!

I have total faith in your
driving skills, Frankie.

- That tablet's fully juiced, right?
- Mm-hmm.

Nothing can stop you, Frankie!

You can totally stop her, right?

Go Frankie!

♪ Let's go make some videos ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Let's go make some videos ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ ♪

Our dad is here! Our dad is here!
Our dad is here!

Oh...

I thought there'd be more fanfare.

That's okay.

My girls are the only fanfare I need.

Gimme a hug.

- Ohh.
- (Amelia giggles)

(sighs)

Welcome to the Vuuugle House, Dad.

The foam pit's up there,

the cupcake tube is over there,

and the hot tub with the ocean
view is on the back deck.

Wow, we live a charmed life.

Girls, I'm here to see you.

I don't need anything else.

But if that cupcake tube

has confetti flavor
with rainbow sprinkles,

I-I do need that.

- (video game music)
- Hey, Zane, wanna come meet our dad?

I'd love to, but I'm in the middle

of something very important.

A video game?

(chuckles) This isn't just a video game.

It's "Bad Driver ."

Finally,

America gets the sequel
they never wanted.

...and that's why I don't
think it's weird to ask

total strangers to feel my leg muscles.

You're a very odd boy, Bernard.

Hey,

who's this tall glass of handsome?

Young lady, you flatter me.

Yes, and you have accurately
described me as young.

But inaccurately described me as a lady.

Seriously though, who is this person?

Grandma, this is our dad.

Dad, this is a woman
we're not related to

who we call Grandma.

It's Roz, actually.

Or Rosalyn D. Schotz,

as I'm known to the cops
in six different states.

Howdy, Roz.

My name's Red.

(romantic music plays)

Oh, sorry about that.

That's the alarm on my phone.

It goes off whenever
my blood pressure rises.

Well, that's too bad.

High blood pressure can be...

serious.

(romantic music plays)

That's my alarm this time.

I need to go feed the meter.

Lucky meter.

Pleasure to meet you, Red.

Pleasure's all mine, Roz.

Ooh... (chuckles)

C'mon, Dad.

Um...

what was that about?

I think...

your Grandma and...

my dad were...

(shudders)

flirting.

(ringtone) ♪ Princess Puppy ♪

- ♪ She's got puppy power! ♪
- Oh.

That's my phone this time.

I have it set to go off every minutes

'cause, you know...

straight fire.

♪ ♪

Few thought anyone had the guts to drive

to the Malibu Pier and back.

But no trip is too difficult for...

Frankie Wong,

Super Driver!

Let it be noted,

I wanted to honk
the horn in celebration,

but that's unsafe.

Eh, I'll do it.

- (Vuugle Van's horn honks)
- (other cars honk back)

'Ey! We're drivin' over here!

Did you know car horns are the
number one cause of noise pollution?

Man! I cannot stop being me.

Forget noise pollution.

That guy must have nose pollution.

'Cause his finger is way up there.

I'm talking about boogers.

Uhp, looks like we got a turn ahead.

Fear not, passengers.

Blinker, brake,

and... smooth as butta.

We're home, folks.

Hope you guys enjoyed another

flawless Frankie Wong driving...

- Horse Face Guy's cat!
- (tires screech)

(cat meows)

Is everyone okay?

- Yeah.
- Yeah...

My life flashed before my eyes.

It was quick but adorable.

We should check on the cat.

(seat belts unfasten)

(van door opens)

PAIGE: Cat Face Cat's okay, everyone!

I can't believe that just happened.

I could've k*lled Horse Face Guy's cat.

I can't do this.

I'm never driving again.

Remember when I was
talking about boogers?

That was fun!

♪ ♪

...and that is why
I don't think it's weird

to ask random strangers
to feel my leg muscles.

I wasn't listening... but eww.

- (Roz laughing)
- Roz,

I never would've known that if you
scrape a penny on the sidewalk,

you can make the parking meter
think it's a dime.

Stick with me, Red.

I got a million tricks
like that up my sleeve.

I love a woman who knows how to
cheat a city out of tax revenue.

What do ya say we head to

the deck and watch the sun set?

The doctor says it helps reduce my rage.

I hate that know-it-all doctor!

Maybe you should spend less
time with the medical system,

and more time with
the Red-ical system, what!

- What?!
- What?!

- What?! Woo!
- Come on, now!

Oh, no...

it's getting worse!

Yeah!

I've been taking the supplements,

but my doctor says when I hit my s,

it's gonna be all gone.

No, Bernie, the flirting.

Oh, yeah.

What's up with that? It's getting weird.

Well, the good news is,

my dad's going back
to Kentucky tomorrow.

So, after that, we won't have
anything to worry about.

Pfft, says the girl with
the flowing mane of hair.

I'd give anything for
that bounce and volume.

♪ ♪

Amelia!

This is bad! (grunting)

Red left a note for Grandma
on her punching bag.

Why did you bring the punching bag?

So you could see the note.

I feel like you're focusing
on the wrong thing.

"Roz, at my age, I know
a good thing when I see it.

"If you'd like to go on
this journey with me,

"let's get our rings on
at the Courthouse at : P.M.

"If you're not there,
I'll know it's not meant to be.

Red."

Oh. My. Gosh!

Wait, I don't get it.

He's going to ask her to marry him!

Which means...

we would be...

BOTH: Brother and sister.

♪ ♪

Amelia!

Did you take your makeup off

with my Princess Puppy wash cloth?

Uhh...

This was a collector's edition!

It was in a frame for a reason!

I'm sorry, gosh.

Hey, have you seen my hair extensions?

Hmmm, I don't, uh, I don't think so...

Ughh!

Those were in a frame for a reason!

You seem upset.

Let's calm down by doing

our brother-sister meditation.

(sighs)

BOTH: Om, this is our life now,

every day is terrible,

how did we let this happen.

(both screaming)

Oh, no.

We're already having the same fantasies.

We have to stop my dad

from proposing to your grandma!

- We cannot become brother and sister!
- Agreed!

But in case we do,
I think we should talk

matching outfits for the holiday photo.

I'm thinking sleeveless denim.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Paige, Frankie,

we need your help!

Amelia's dad wants to marry Grandma!

- BOTH: What?!
- He left her a note.

He wants to meet her at the
courthouse at : PM tonight

so he can put a ring on it.

- He cannot be my brother.
- I cannot be her sister.

Whoa, guys, slow down.

- Red and Grandma? That's...
- So beautiful!

I was gonna say "gross," but.

We need you guys to keep
Grandma out of the house

so she doesn't find the note
and show up at the courthouse.

If she misses the : P.M. deadline,

Red will think she isn't interested,

and he'll move back to Paris.

We're from Kentucky.

Ahh, the Paris of the south.

I don't know, guys. Red
seems like such a nice guy.

And standing in the way
of love is a bad idea.

Because love, like Beyonce,

cannot be stopped.

Unnecessary Beyonce shout-out, but okay.

Please! We cannot become siblings.

And it's not just about us.

Think about my sweet dad!

Grandma is a total heartbreaker.

Need I remind you what a terrible
track record she has with men?

Twelve of them, to be exact.

Each of them shattered shells,

scattered along the rocky shores of Roz.

That is a good point.

And so poetic.

What can I say?

My grandma's my muse.

You know what you shouldn't say?

That.

You guys are right. I would hate
to see Red get his heart broken.

Great.

We just need you and Frankie

to take Grandma driving
for a couple of hours.

Driving? Uh...

I don't know if that's such a good plan.

M-m-maybe Grandma's changed!

Maybe she's ready to love!

And, uh, hates driving.

BOTH: (in unison) That makes no sense.
(gasps)

Oh no.

It's already happenin'.

We're becoming more alike
with each passing second!

Before you know it,

we're gonna be doing
brother-sister potato sack races.

I'm still gonna win,
but I'm not gonna like it!

Oh, you know what I just remembered?

We can't go driving.

Grandma's out for the day.

Hey, guys, what's up?

Or in for the day.

What's up is me, you, and
Frankie need to go driving.

You know, 'cause she needs
to get her practice hours in.

Unless you're busy. Are you busy?
You seem really busy.

If I were busy, would I be
talking to you ding-dongs?

See you downstairs in five.

Thank you so much, guys.

Oh, while you're out, we're
gonna work on convincing

my dad that Grandma's
not marriage material.

GRANDMA: Make it .
I gotta hit the can!

For one of my long visits.

Shouldn't be too hard.

♪ ♪

(cars racing in video game)

You're still playing "Bad Driver "?

Can't talk. Playing "Bad Driver ."

How can you spend so much time in front

of a screen when it's so nice outside?

The game takes place outside.

Just play it, maybe you'll like it.

All right. I'll try.

But I'm sure it'll be no match
for nature's endless splendor.

I'm a bad driver!

Mama likey this game!

♪ ♪

Okay, ready for Operation:

"Stop My Dad from
Marrying your Grandma"?

Not loving the operation name.

Can we pitch on it?

No.

Coo, coo.

Wow, can you believe this video?

I know.

I mean, I've seen Grandma
lose her temper,

but nothing like this.

What are you guys watching?

Oh hi, Dad!

(stammers) I didn't even see you there!

Uh, we were just watching footage
from Bernie's fifth birthday party.

A clown gave my grandma a balloon animal

she was not happy with. Check it out.

- (balloon squeaks)
- GRANDMA: What is this, a poodle?!

I asked for a Norwegian Wolverine!

(slide whistle)

Don't you slide whistle me,

ya low-rent, garbage birthday clown!

- It's punching time!
- (whack)

- (clown groans)
- (whacks continue)

- (slide whistle)
- (clown grunts)

I can't believe Roz did this.

- I despise...
- This kind of behavior, sure.

Grandma is a total loose canon.

No. Clowns. I despise clowns!

You do?


They terrify me.

That's why I feel so safe

hangin' around your grandma.

She's like a Clown Ninja Warrior, man!

She's the best, isn't she?

- (fighting continues)
- Oh, looks like the magician

is getting involved now.

Get him, Roz!

♪ ♪

What is that? Wind?

Are we swaying? What's happening?

Hey, great idea driving so slow

to keep Grandma away
from Red's proposal.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's
why I'm driving so slow,

and why my knuckles are so white.

(gasps) Ohh! A new game!

Let's try this one!

- (tires screech)
- (Frankie gasps)

Oh, good, we stopped at the red light.

Ohh, red light.

Just like Red Duckworth.

Both'll make you stop in your tracks.

Uh-huh, um...

uh... hey, speaking
of something else, um...

y-you know what I love?

Current events.

In fact, in this article I read...

Ahh, Red.

Like Red Duckworth.

Uh-huh, um...

Hey! How 'bout we read road signs?

Oh, like that one.

"Ducks for sale, $ ."

Pfft, oh c'mon, who can
say what a duck's worth?

(sighs) Red Duckworth...

(sighs) That one's on me.

There's just...

something about Red.

I've never felt this way before.

We just laugh, and have fun,

and wanna be around each other a lot.

I think I'm in love with Red!

You are?!

Well, that changes everything!

Frankie, come on.

We have to go home and get
Grandma back to her soulmate!

Go home? (sigh of relief)

Sweeter words have never been spoken.

What's happening?

- Frankie, turn around.
- I-I-I-I'm trying.

- Frankie, why are you speeding up?
- I'm not!

The van's not responding!

PAIGE & GRANDMA: What?!

Where's the remote tablet?

I'm outta control,

and I'm loving every minute of it, baby!

You're scaring me.

I'm scaring me!

ALL: Ahhh!

♪ ♪

Turn left!

ALL: Ahhh!

Turn right!

ALL: Ahhh!

Ooh! Drive down those stairs!

ALL: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Betcha can't do spin-out donuts.

Watch and learn, sucka!

ALL: Ahhh!

I'm gonna throw up!

Aim that way!

You better watch out
for that football field.

I think you mean that football field

better watch out for me.

ALL: Ahhh!

I hate football!

Oh look, there's a girl on that team.

You go, girl!

Aww, a barn!

Reminds me of back home!

Know what I can't do back home?!

- (chicken squawks)
- ALL: Ahhh!

BOTH: Wooo!

ALL: Ahhh!

BOTH: Wooo!

ALL: Ahhh!

That was so awesome!

I'm bored now. Wanna pause
it and go play outside?

Sure.

- (tires halt)
- (Paige sharply exhales)

Are we alive...

or the other one?

We're alive...

somewhere in the woods.

And look, the remote
driving light went out.

Whoever was controlling
the van turned off the tablet.

Frankie, get us out of here!

I can't!

I'm done with driving!

I knew I never should've
gotten back in this van.

What are you talking about?

- I thought you loved driving.
- I did!

But then I almost k*lled Horse
Face Guy's cat the other day!

But you didn't. Cat Face Cat was fine!

Only because Grandma stopped the van!

I didn't stop the van.

What?

You had the remote.

Yeah, but I didn't use it.

That was all you.

You hit the brakes.

You see, Frankie?

You are a good driver!

Your instincts saved a cat.

Now, let's get Grandma home ASAP!

Why? What's the rush?

Do you want to tell her, or should...

Red's gonna propose to you!

I'll tell her.

Red's gonna propose?!

Oh! That's amazing!

Out of the driver's seat, Glasses,

I got a date with destiny.

No, if anybody's driving
this van, it's Frankie Wong,

- Super Driver!
- Yes!

Also, there was a girl
on the football team!

What a day!

♪ ♪

Hi, Dad, you going somewhere?

Uhh... I was just about
to go to the courthouse.

Well, that's interesting information
we're just learning now.

But before you leave to go
do whatever potentially

life-ruining thing you were about to do,

we ran into some gentlemen
we think you should meet.

Come on in, fellas!

(chains rattling)

Mr. Duckworth,

meet my grandma's ex-husbands.

Well, the three we could find.

The others are either
in jail, on the run,

or whereabouts unknown.

This is Steve,

though he prefers Sir Steve now.

Ever since he and my grandma broke up,

he dresses up and pretends to be a
medieval knight on the weekends.

It's called larping.

He's an adult larper.

Well, howdy, Sir Steve.

(chains rattling)

And this wild man is Wayne.

Tell my dad what you got into

after Roz dumped you, Wayne.

One evening,

while slumbering in my
rented one-bedroom condo,

I was abducted by aliens
from the planet Alf-Tonia

in the undiscovered Meglabron galaxy.

But don't ask the government.

They'll deny everything.

Yeah, so that's Wayne.

And that is Marvin.

He and my grandma were
married for five days,

and since then, he's been a
minor league baseball mascot

for five years!

(fog horn)

What'd he say?

Whatever it was,

I'm sure it was sad.

You see, Dad,

a marriage to Roz

can really change a man.

Yeah, I love my grandma, but...

she's kind of a life destroyer.

Okay.

Why are y'all telling me this?

Just making small talk.

Your grandma was right.

You're an odd boy.

C'mon, fellas,

I'll give you a tour.

What are we gonna do?

We're running out of time!

I don't know.

Who are those train wrecks?

Those are Grandma's ex-husbands.

We're trying to convince
your dad not to marry her,

but I don't think it worked.

Dad's gonna marry Grandma?

So, you're gonna be our brother?

That's weird.

Fun!

But weird...

That's why we've been trying to stop it.

But Dad's about to go to the
courthouse to meet Grandma,

and I don't think there's
anything we can do.

The Courthouse?

Like the restaurant where Dad and
Grandma ate the other night?

BOTH: Uhhh...

They have the best onion rings there.

It's the diner to get your rings on.

So, he didn't mean engagement ring,

he meant onion ring.

And The Courthouse isn't a courthouse,

it's a diner!

Why would they get married at a diner?

Bernie!

(sighs heavily)

They're not getting married!

We're not gonna be brother
and sister after all!

(Grandma panting)

Red, I heard about your note!

Uhhh, funny story about that...

Bernard, zip it.

I'm about to make
a very emotional speech.

Red, you're the kindest,

funniest, most big-hearted
man I've ever met.

Spending time with you

has been one of the
greatest joys of my life.

And I know life is short after the
crazy van ride I just went through.

It's true. We destroyed
a football field.

And a barn.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...

Red Duckworth...

will you marry me?

I'm a man of few words,
but I got four for you.

Let's get married, Roz! What?!

Oh wait, that was five.

(cheering and clapping)

Love wins!

Grandma's gonna be my...

something!

Wait, why are my ex-husbands here?

If the government asks,

we never were.

Let's go to The Courthouse
and get our rings on!

- I'll drive!
- No, you won't!

Shotgun!

We're gonna be brother and sister.

Uh, okay,

okay, let's just...

process...

and relax.

BOTH: Om, this never would've happened

if we hadn't have gotten involved.

Ahhhhhh!
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