13x02 - Under the Small Top/Squidward's Sick

Episode transcripts for the TV show "SpongeBob SquarePants". Aired: May 1, 1999 - present.*
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A square yellow sponge named SpongeBob SquarePants lives in a pineapple with his pet snail, Gary, in the city of Bikini Bottom on the floor of the Pacific Ocean.
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13x02 - Under the Small Top/Squidward's Sick

Post by bunniefuu »

- Are you ready, kids?

all:

Aye, aye, Captain!


- I can’t hear you.

all:

Aye, aye, Captain!


- ♪ Ohh... ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple

under the sea? ♪

all:

SpongeBob SquarePants!


- ♪ Absorbent and yellow

and porous is he ♪

all:

SpongeBob SquarePants!


- ♪ If nautical nonsense

be something you wish ♪


all:

SpongeBob SquarePants!


- ♪ Then drop on the deck

and flop like a fish ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- Ready?

all:

SpongeBob SquarePants!


SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

- SpongeBob

SquarePants!

[laughing]

♪ ♪

[waves crashing]

- Hey.

- What’s taking so long?

- I never got my fries.

- Why doesn’t my father

love me?

[customers complaining]

- Hey, Squidward.

- Quit it.

- Hey, Squidward.

- Quit it.

- Hey, Squidward.

- Quit it!

- Mr. Squidward, clean up

in the head.

- Hey, Squidward.

- Also, clean up here.

- [whimpering]

- Hey, Squidward.

- I said clean up.

- Squidward!

- Squidward.

- Hey, Squidward.

Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward.

Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward.

- Squidward!

- Hey, Squidward, Squidward,

hey, Squidward.

- Oh, no...

- Don’t just lay there.

Clean up. Clean up. Clean up!

- Aah!

It was just a dream.

Just a horrible, realistic,

totally on point dream.

Oh, I can’t believe

I’m dreaming about work

when there’s so many

more interesting things

I could be doing.

Just look at

my unfinished painting.

And my unfinished symphony.

And my uneaten strudel.

My strudel!

- Just tasted like pie to me.

- It’s a strudel,

you barbarian.

Just look at those

pastry layers.

- Oh, yeah.

- Ohh...

I just woke up and the day’s

already a disaster.

I can’t face

the Krusty Krab today.

I am staying home and diving

into an ocean of Squidward.

[jungle sounds]

[humming]

Ahh...

What the--

Oh--

[muttering]

- Any more of that layer pie?

- Get out!

Now to get rid of

the other monkey on my back.

- [ah-ah-ahem]

[clearing throat]

- Krusty Krab.

- [coughing]

- Oh, Mr. Krabs, it’s...

[gagging, coughing]

Squidward.

- Mr. Squidward?

What are you doing

on the phone?

You should be working.

- [hacking]

Can’t work.

Too...[hacking] sick.

Ah-choo!

- You do sound pretty bad.

Are you sure

you’re too sick to work?

- Ha ha.

I mean, I mean...[coughing]

positive.

- Hmm...

Too sick, hey?

Oh, I got the cure

for what ails you.

Well, you just rest up,

Mr. Squidward.

I’ll take care of everything.

- Okay, bye, talk to you--

I mean, I mean--

[hacking]

[hoarsely]

Bye!

- No one fake sick on Mr. Krabs

and gets away with it.

- No work for me today.

Mr. Squidward gets to play.

No customers for me to fear.

SpongeBob can take a long

walk along a very sharp pier.

[knock on door]

Huh?

Oh. That must be

the crudité I ordered.

- Well--oh!

Oh, Mr. Krabs.

I didn’t see you there.

How thoughtful of you to

visit me in my weakened state.

- Oh, think nothing of it,

Mr. Squidward.

You sounded so bad on the phone

I rushed right over

to make sure you were

taking good care of yourself.

- Well, I wouldn’t want

to infect anyone,

so you should probably go now.

- Oh, you are in no condition

to be alone.

That’s why I brought

you some help.

Take one of these

and call me in the morning.

- The doctor is in.

- Oh...

- Swaddle, swaddle, swaddle.

Hush-aby now,

don’t strain yourself.

- Really, Mr. Krabs,

this isn’t necessary.

- Of course it is.

If I find out you were

faking it

just to get out of work,

I’d have to fire you.

- No faking here.

No, I’m really--[cough] sick.

Okay, back to the swaddling.

- Aw!

[humming]

- Oh, yes. I like that.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Indeed.

- [gasps]

Squidward!

You’re overexerting yourself.

Now you just rest that sick

little body of yours

while SpongeBob finishes up

your self-portrait for you.

- But--but--but--

- Ha ha!

La la la la!

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Done.

In my imagination,

you’re a helpless little baby.

Gee, you’re sicker

than I thought.

[Squidward vomiting]

Eh...

- Now just forget

that yellow nuisance

and lose yourself in music.

♪--

- Squidward!

You shouldn’t be wasting your

breath in your weakened state.

Let me blow

the clarinet for you.

- No, no, don’t touch my--

♪ ♪

Don’t touch my--

- Hmm? Bleh.


[musical inhale]

- [whimpering]

- Ah. The perfect strudel will

make everything all right.

- Oh, Squidward.

- Oh...

- Time to take your

temperature.

- Get that thing away from my--

- Ooh! . . Oh, Squidward,

you’re all better.

I’m so happy we can both go

to the Krusty Krab now.

- What? No!

Give me that thing.

You must’ve read it wrong.

Oh, hey.

What’s that over there?

- Oh cool. A wall.

So smooth.

Well, that was fun.

Now, let’s check that

thermometer again, shall we?

- Here you go.

- Yikes. A fever.

Squidward, we got

to cool you off.

- Stop.

- You’re right,

you need it even colder.

- [shrieking, whimpering]

- Thank you.

- Oh, boy.

- There, all better?

- N-no, you buffoon.

- You’re right, Squidward.

I have been...buffoon.

- W-w-what?

- I’ve been treating

the symptoms

instead of the sickness.

- Stay away from me

with that thing.

- But we have to figure out

what you have

so we can treat it.

- No, uh, I already know

what I have.

It’s, uh, acute...

spotting...sclorboritis.

- Acute spotting sclorboritis?

I never heard of that one.

Better look it up.

- Ah-choo, ah-choo,

ah-choo!

- Oh, you’re getting worse!

We’ve got to find a cure fast.

I found it. Here it is.

- You did?

- Yup.

And the cure

seems pretty simple.

See?

- Uh...uh, wait--

wait, did I say acute

spotting sclorboritis?

No, no, I must’ve meant...

plerkington’s syndrome.

- Found it. Now, let’s get

to the curing, shall we?

[upbeat music]

- Aah!

♪ ♪

Huh?

[Squidward gagging]

- Are we done?

- Don’t be silly.

We’ve just begun.

- Aah!

[ringing]

- Tentacles residence.

SpongeBob speaking.

- Hello, me boy-o.

How’s the patient?

- Better. I’m all better.

Please, just let me

go back to work.

- Oh, nonsense.

You still look so sick.


Better step up the cure,

SpongeBob.

- Whatever you say Mr. Krabs.

Open wide.

- You will not get that

anywhere near my mouth.

- Ha ha ha ha!

Guess again.

- Aah!

So, the book told me

to stretch his nose,


shock him with a jellyfish,

and then I scraped his lungs

and cleaned them out

with a toxic eating urchin.

- Hoo hoo hoo hoo.

Hee he hee hee!

Priceless.

Well, Mr. Squidward.

Feeling better

after your sick day?

- You might say that.

- [gasps] He’s glorious.

- That’s right, I used to be

sick of everything,

but I’m not sick anymore.

I’ve been plagued by toxins

and stress built up

over the years at this job,

but SpongeBob

washed those away.

- [squeals]

- Now, who wants to order?

Ha ha ha!

[overlapping shouting]

- Ha ha ha ha.

- Hey, Squidward.

Whoa, muscles.

Hey, Squidward.

Hey, Squidward.

- More layered pie.

- Hey, Squidward.

Hey, Squidward.

Hey, Squidward.

- No, no, no!

I think I’m going to be sick.
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