11x09 - Squid Noir/Scavenger Pants

[bunniefuu]

- Are you ready, kids?

Aye, aye, Captain!

- I can't hear you.

Aye, aye, Captain!

Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob Squarepants! - Ready?

Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob Squarepants!

- Spongebob

Squarepants!

- Make it stop! Ah!

Ooh.

Mister Squidward!

Quit that calamitous cacophony!

You're driving me customers batty!

- Well, I'm sorry you rubes can't enjoy jazz.

I am practicing for a very important

open mic night tonight.

- Well, practice somewhere else.

This here's a jazz-free zone.

Fine!

I'll take my music to the people then.

- And if I see that clarinet again,

it'll be going into the woodwind chipper, you hear me?

- As you can see,

this is a first generation Talking Suburban Dad figurine,

with realistic burger-flipping motion.

- Not right now, Billy. Daddy's had a long day.

Ooh.

- Suburban Dad!

No!

You?

- You...will remove that subpar woodwind

from the premises, ere I snap its reed.

Can't practice anywhere in this town.

Bunch of tasteless clowns!

- Smashy, smashy. Bang, bang!

Sma...oh! Ow!

What is that noise?

Oh, no.

Squidward's being att*cked by that

pointy screeching monster.

Don't worry, Squidward! I'll save you!

- What are you...

- You're welcome.

It's time for our pre-performance nap.

Tonight, we change lives with our music.

- One nap later...

- Are you ready, my dear?

We've got the...

And that's how it began.

My life smashed to bits.

My living room covered in broken dreams.

Without my clarinet, the world was a drab

and colorless place.

- And that's when I saw him, my first suspect.

When it came to paying the stupid bill,

Spongebob always tipped %.

He had to be involved.

Spongebob, what have you done with my clarinet?

- Ooh, Squidward, you're so hard-boiled.

Are you playing a game?

Oh, oh, can I play?

- I know you stole my clarinet!

Tell me where! It! Is!

- I! Don't! Know!

It couldn't have been me, Squidward. I have an alibi.

I was at Grandma's house all day

and I have the kissy marks to prove it, see?

There's room for one more.

- His alibi was solid.

Only a family member could stomach

putting their lips on this fool.

- You know, we have lots of friends.

Maybe they could help us find your clarinet.

- I don't have friends. I have suspects.

- Oh, Squidward, don't you know

a suspect is just a friend you haven't cleared of charges yet?

So... can I help you solve your case?

Please, please, please?

- Try not to get in the way.

- Yeah! It's a play-date!

I mean...

All right, I'll partner up with you this time.

- My... partner and I

decided to check out my next suspect,

the owner of a local greasy spoon.

I figured a little "Good cop, bad cop"

would get his jaw flapping so I...

- Oh! Can I be the bad cop? Please, please, can I, please?

- Yes, if you get out of my hard-boiled narration!

- Sorry.

What the...

- Hey, Mister Krabs, how you doing?

Can I get you some tea?

Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?

Now, where were you earlier...

- You seem hungry, dear. Home-cooked meal?

- What are you doing, Spongebob?

Manicure?

- Makeover?

- Warm blanket?

- New shoes?

Hey!

Enough!

- Hey, check out the dame.

- What in the salty seven seas

are you two doing?

- Oh, uh, we're playing "Good cop, good cop."

Sorry, Squidward, I don't know how to be the bad cop!

- We're looking for my clarinet, Eugene.

I know you broke into my house this afternoon!

I know you stole it! Now fess up!

- This afternoon? Well, I was...

I've been here all day, counting me money.

Just look at me butt groove.

- Good contours. And still warm.

Story checks out.

- All right, Krabs, we'll mosey along

this time.

Come on, Spongebob.

- Boys, if you two do find that clarinet,

could you bring it to me?

So I can smash it to pieces!

- We pulled up to the local dweeb market,

where I hoped to find my next suspect:

maven of all things moronic, Bubby Bass.

The sign said closed,

but I could hear their nerdy murmuring inside.

- And then, from the depths of the barbeque,

comes the ferocious, fire-breathing

Dad!

Bubble Bass!

- Squidward, wait!

Let him handle this.

- Take that! And that!

- What?

All right.

You've got me cornered.

But I won't give up without a fight!

- I was hoping you'd say that.

- It was a real knockdown, drag-out fight.

Or it would have been, if it hadn't been

just two sad adults playing with toys.

- Wait. Wait!

Roll the dice. Did his punch land?

- It's a hit!

- Where were you this afternoon?

Where's Squidward's clarinet?

- I don't know what you're talking about.

I was here all day. I swear it!

- Billy, don't make me turn this boat around.

- No! I still could have passed you off as near mint!

- So, sorry, man. - Aww.

- I am so sorry for your loss.

- I'm not. Come on, Spongebob, let's go.

This is a dead end.

Well, there's only one person left on my list of suspects.

- Patrick Star? - Um, yeah, how'd you know?

Hey, guys.

- Well, the criminal returns to the scene of the crime.

Spill the beans, Jack! Where's my clarinet?

- I don't know who Jack is!

But I would like some beans!

- Let me lay it out for you, Chucko.

When I took my nap today, you broke in through the window,

smashed my living room, got that goo you're eating all over

and stole my clarinet!

- Oh, this isn't goo.

It's jelly!

The good stuff too, from real jellyfish.

- Real jellyfish jelly?

You can only find that in one place.

That means our thief...

- Must have been at Jellyfish Fields.

Let's go. - Right behind you, pal.

Whoa!

- When we arrived at Jellyfish Fields,

I could already hear my clarinet's dulcet tones.

- My baby!

Ha!

- Oh! So it was the jellyfish that took your clarinet.

But from the sound of it,

I'd say they learned that crime doesn't play!

- Look, Squidward.

The jellyfish are fans of your music.

- We should solve another mystery now.

- Yeah, uh, how about the mystery

of where all my coins went?

- Solved!

- Thank you.

- Squidward, yeah!

Yeah, Squidward!

- And that's how it ended.

Clarinet returned. Case closed.

Another mystery solved by:

Squidward Tentacles,

Jazz Detective.

You dance divinely.

- Shall we? - Oh, I love this song!

- Why are you nitwits in my house?

We're bored!

- And we don't want to be bored!

- We wanna have fun.

- Come on, Squidward. Give us something fun to do.

Please?

- Oh, let's play lunch!

- No problem. I'll whip up some grub.

- Leave my kitchen alone!

- Hm, there must be something

I can scavenge up around here.

That's it.

How would you two like to go on a... scavenger hunt?

Scavenger hunt?

- What's a scavenger hunt?

- "A party game in which the participants work in teams

to collect a list of miscellaneous objects"!

Scavenger hunt, yeah!

What's first on the list, Squidward?

- Um, oh, uh, well, let's see.

Bring back the rare Desert Sandwich.

- Sandwich?

Sandwich? Sandwich?

- Not in here!

The sandwich is only found

deep in the Bikini Badlands, out there!

I am a genius.

- Goodlands, half a league.

Badlands, , leagues.

- So... thirsty.

- It's no use.

We'll never find the rare Desert Sandwich.

- Squidward! We did it!

We brought back the first item!

- Sand?

Witch?

- Oh, good grief. Not that kind of sand witch!

The Desert Sandwich has tomatoes and bread

and...and...mayo.

- No worries, I used to work at an evil deli.

Ta da!

- Oh, looks pretty good.

Get it off! Get it off!

- What's next on our scavenger hunt, Squidward?

Your next item is the Boxing Begonia!

It only grows in the deepest canyon of the Mariana Trench.

Ooh!

- Ha, that'll keep them out of my hair.

- It's so straight-down-y.

- Don't worry, Patrick. A scavenger is always prepared.

This rope is too short! We need another one!

- Here! - Thanks, Patrick!

Where'd you get another rope?

- From that rock!

- Found it!

- We're back. - What?

But...but...it's not possible!

Boxing Begonia?

It's beautiful.

- The champ takes a swift uppercut to the jaw.

- Squidward is against the ropes.

A left, a right.

- How can a man stand it?

- Oh, and the champ is down!

- The winner!

How do you keep finding everything?

- You have to keep your skull... numb.

- Yeah, we're numbskulls!

Your next mission is to find

the Loch Ness Monster and bring him back...

alive.

- Ooh, the Loch Ness Monster!

- Oh, so good! Oh, so good!

What color?

- Doesn't matter!

Good luck!

They'll never find it.

And if they do, it'll eat them.

It's a win-win.

- Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!

Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!

- How are we gonna find a monster in the dark?

I can't see a thing.

- We don't have to find it.

It'll find us.

I'm the greatest.

And here comes the worst.

We're back.

The lo...lo...

The Loch Ness Monster!

How did you find it?

- Oh, simple. Bagpipes.

- It likes bagpipe music?

- No, it hates it.

- But it sure loves to eat 'em.

- One very long

digestive tract later...

Give us another one!

Give us another one! - Oh, brother.

Give us another one!

- Brother...

- Come on, just one more.

- Well, all right, it's... it's impossible, but...

if only you could find my long lost brother.

Brother?

I haven't seen him since he was a baby.

- Aww.

- Baby with a moustache.

- He was an early bloomer.

- What was his name?

- Name, huh? Um...

- "Um"? Aw, what a pretty name.

- If I could just see him again...

No.

- That's so sad!

- Even my armpits are crying!

- Come on, Patrick, we've got some extreme scavenging to do.

- Yeah!

- Oh, thank you.

I'm free!

- Squidward's brother!

Squidward's brother!

Squidward's brother?

- Squidward's brother?

He's right here!

Squidward's brother!

- Rascal shaved his moustache!

Good grief.

- Six months later...

Um! Squidward's brother!

Squidward's brother!

- Mrs. Tentacles?

Mrs. Tentacles, you're Squidward's mother.

You must know where Squidward's brother is.

- Brother? Squidward never had a brother.

One of him was enough.

- Aw, that's so sad.

Squidward wanted a baby brother so badly he imagined one.

- Oh, man. Now it'll take even longer to find him.

Oh, I'm getting a brainstorm!

- I've got you, buddy.

- No, Patrick, let it flow.

Ooh, I have a plan.

Meow.

Oh, I love my two new homes.

And best of all, I haven't

heard from those idiots in months.

- Squidward.

We found your brother.

You urchin brains!

I never had a brother!

- You do now!

- Two brothers! Us!

- What are you morons talking about?

- Come on in, Mama.

- Ma...Mama?

- Isn't it lovely, dear?

I've adopted your two little friends.

Brothers.

- Oh, what a beautiful family... yeee.

Smile!