02x10 - iThrow a Flawless m*rder Mystery Party

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Spence, how was
your date last night?

(GROANS) I hate to tell you guys this,

turns out I did not
match with Zoe Saldana.

It was an old lady named Gretel.

Oh, Spencer. How much
money did you give Gretel?

(SCOFFS) One briefcase.

Two briefcases.

You know, I did read in The New Yorker

about a dating app called "Word Bang."

You can only text the
person. There's no picture,

so the attraction has to be cerebral.

I might give that a sh*t.

You did not read about
that in The New Yorker.

I told you about that.

I said I'll sign up!

Right after my date with Eva Mendes.

She has two kids with Ryan Gosling.

He's coming too.

Are you guys talking
about my birthday party?

Should I come back?

Oh, no. Did you hear us planning

the bacchanal at the sex dungeon?

That's what you wanted, right?

You're obsessed with your birthday.

Uh, yeah. Because birthday
parties are the best.

Birthday cake is the best food.

Birthday presents are the best gifts,

and "Happy Birthday,"
the song, straight banger.

Well, we weren't
talking about your party,

but don't worry.

Pearl's gonna get us up to speed later,

and she's been working on it nonstop.

You don't think she feels
too much pressure, do you?

Why? Because you keep telling her

that the first birthday
in a relationship

determines whether the
couple will go the distance?

Nah, I'm sure that barely registered.

Okay, okay. Maybe I've
been a little intense.

I just feel so good
about where things are

with me and Pearl, and I
know she is gonna nail it.

Oh, I'm sure she will.

You've been very clear you
want a m*rder mystery party.

So the theme of the party is crows.

Maybe he could've been clearer.

♪ I know you see ♪

♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪

♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪

♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance
unless you take one ♪

♪ And the time to see ♪

♪ The brighter side of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give me your best
and leave the rest to me ♪

♪ ♪

Everyone knows it's no mystery

that a group of crows
is called a m*rder.

So, naturally, he wants a party

all about our fine-feathered friends.

Pearl, I-I don't think
that that's what he meant

when he said, "m*rder mystery."

Carly, I'm his girlfriend.

I think I know what he means.

Devil's advocate, there is a whole genre

of parties where people
pretend there's a human m*rder,

and then they role-play
and they wear costumes

and you have to figure out who did it

that I happen to know
Freddie is obsessed with.

In addition to his obsession with crows.

Devil's advocate,

I feel pretty good about this crow idea.

And not just because I
already bought fake birds

that aren't returnable
because I got them wet.

Well, double Devil's advocate,

Freddie seemed to want a
very specific kind of game

that would be perfect
and also is very different

from this and also he sent us a website

with a bunch of kits to choose from.

Oh. God, this is so embarrassing.

Mm.

Okay, yeah, I guess
we should choose a kit.

But can we all agree he
really should've been clearer

about which kind of m*rder he meant?

Mm-hmm. Every time I'm
watching the local news

and they talk about m*rder,
I'm like, "Where are the crows?"

Oh, this kit looks good.

"Duck, Duck, Goose: Tag, You're Dead."

Uh-huh, that's another bird idea.

Or, uh... "m*rder at the Disco."

You know, Freddie loves disco music,

and we could wear
really fun ' s costumes.

- (SQUEALS)
- It'll be perfect.

Disco? I didn't even
know Freddie liked music.

One time I put on Imagine Dragons

and he didn't even tap his foot.

You know...

Maybe you should just plan the party.

Clearly I don't know him at all.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

You-you do.

Harper and I are just going
off what he's saying with words.

Boring.

You're his girlfriend.

You guys have an erotic connection

that we could never understand.

We can do both ideas.

Oh, what about...
"Saturday Flight Fever:

m*rder at the Dis-Crow."

Mm.

Is it too late to
change my RSVP to maybe?

♪ ♪

(CROW CAWING)

(BOTH SQUEAL)

Foxy Brown.

And Cher... Wait, does
she have a last name?

I think it's Horowitz.

Okay, Harper, all we have to do tonight

is make this the perfect
birthday party for Freddie,

and make sure he thinks
that Pearl planned it all.

It's funny how you say "we."

I'm serious.

This is important for Freddie,
but it's also important

for Pearl and Freddie as a couple.

Now, I made the perfect guest list.

I even got that old guy that Freddie met

on the Reddit thread
about digestive issues.

Oh, my God.

We finally get to meet Ronald?

Okay, David Bowie.

Ah? Oh! Whoa.

I bought these shoes when I
was dating that WNBA player,

then she dumped me
for buying these shoes.

I really relate to Linda
Blair from The Exorcist.

Although she was possessed by a demon

whilst I am possessed by... love.

Let me tell you, baking this cake

was no cabaret, old chum.

My granddaughter is a nightmare.

Cause she's from The Exorcist?

I haven't seen it, but the
Wikipedia page was so scary.

You're gonna love that cake.

We made it light and fluffy,

like my boyfriend Derek
Fox-Lubiner's hair.

We didn't do anything.

Somebody was too busy on
her phone to help me bake.

(DOLPHIN SOUND EFFECT)

Oh, that's Derek. He's messaging me

from the dolphin sound
app. It's called "Dolphone."

(DOLPHIN SOUND EFFECT)

So you just send dolphin
sounds back and forth?

That is ridiculous.

In case you were ever
wondering when you became

an old person, this is the moment.

All right. Listen, you
guys know how important

birthdays are to
Freddie, so if any of you

screw this m*rder mystery up,

I swear on all your lives,

I will change the passwords
to all my streaming services.

- (GASPS)
- You wouldn't.

Next week is the Toledo
House Flip finale.

Try me. Mess around and find out.

Hi.

Hey, Pearl!

Ooh, what are you, uh... old Freddie?

No. Richard Nixon.

Freddie loves Nixon.

Freddie loves Cynthia Nixon.

I know, it's weird because
he is such a Charlotte.

What's wrong?

Okay, Freddie is
terrified of Richard Nixon.

What do you mean?

He got locked in the gift
shop with all the masks

at the presidential library.

- It was a whole thing.
- Oh, God.

What do I... ? What do I do?

Maybe say you're Cynthia Nixon's dad?

Well, I brought crow dip.

And before you ask, no,
there aren't crows in it.

Oh... Are there rats?

Because it tastes like what
I think rats would taste like.

And birthday boy Sonny Bono here.

Uh, you guys look amazing.

Exorcist, Foxy Brown, Liza Minelli,

David Bowie...

Hey! Sonny and Cher. You
and Carly match perfectly.

Yeah. How fun.

Yeah, how fun.

No!

Please tell me you're
Cynthia Nixon's dad.

- I'm... I'm...
- About to go change!

Yeah, Pearl and I are
gonna switch outfits

because there was some mix-up,
but the party's going great,

and Pearl came up with everything.

You did. Thank you. The
disco theme is amazing.

I don't really get the
whole crow thing though.

Oh. Uh, they're... They're s crows.

Oh. Cool. Yeah.

Okay.

I still don't get it.

♪ ♪

Heads up, I'm peacing out early.

I got me a date on Word Bang

that can only meet tonight,

and we all know the slipping
off without saying a word is

much kinder than a heartfelt goodbye.

No way. I also have a Word Bang date

and was planning an Irish Goodbye.

Wait, is that offensive?

No, the Irish are fine.

And hopefully so is my date.

He's a globe-trotting bon vivant

with an expensive palate.

My date is a delightfully
witty bookworm.

And I find that hot because
I'm attracted to brains.

Also boobs, thighs and butts.

Party back on track.

Ooh, you fit so nicely

into Fredward's Saturday
Night Fever costume.

Now, as soon as the rest
of the guests get here,

we can start the mystery.

Oh, this is everyone.

Freddie said he didn't want
to make a big deal of it.

That he didn't need all the attention.

Oh, no. He-he says that every year,

just to try to be humble.

He also says that he doesn't
want any gifts, but obviously...

He means that part.

Hey, looking good, ladies.

Hey, look at your suits.

You and Carly match
even better than before.

- Uh-huh.
- Mm.

Hey, uh, so when's
everybody else getting here?

Never. I'm sorry, I didn't...

I didn't invite anyone else,

because you wanted the
party to be intimate.

Good call, Pearl.

Wait. So Ronald isn't coming?

No!

Spencer, if there are only seven guests,

then two people can't leave.

Okay. New plan.

We make a new birth certificate
that says his birthday

is next month, then we
call my friend Sully,

fake our own deaths,
and flee to the Maldives.

What about our dates?

We're way past that.

♪ ♪

It's .

The streets are full of trash

and the people ain't much cleaner.

We find ourselves at a grimy
discotheque called Studio .

Police arrive to discover
there was a grisly m*rder.

(GASPS) Ooh, how grisly?

Very grisly.

All right, now it's time to draw cards

to find out which
characters we all play.

I'm, "Claudia Skies,

a persnickety flight attendant
who's unlucky in love."

Don't know what that's like.

You'd probably also
struggle with my character,

"Anita Hug, a loving granddaughter

who snuck into the club
to respect her elders."

Ooh, I'm... "DeDe
Bustier, a sexy secretary

ready to sleep... Uh,
nap her way to the top."

I'm... "Pablo Pi-queso, a wealthy artist

turned restaurateur."

I don't understand this character.

I-I don't know how to play this.

Let's see. I'm... "The detective,

Sergeant Bellbottoms, whose
brother is the victim."

(GASPS) Well, I'm going to
find out which one of you

sick freaks did this to
my brother... "Elton Don."

And I'm... "The detective's wife."

Perfect.

"Your soulmate chemistry with
your husband cannot be denied.

"Note: You and your husband could
never be mistaken for friends."

Uh, Pearl, why don't we just switch?

- It's fine.
- It only makes sense...

- I don't want to.
- Come on.

No, I can't switch
because I'm the m*rder*r!

- Whoa! Come on!
- (OTHERS GROANING)

Sorry. I...

What do we do now? The
m*rder mystery is over.

I'm sorry, Freddie.

I guess that means
the party is over too.

Do you wanna share an Uber?

Jennifer R will be out front in three.

What are you talking about?

You think a m*rder mystery party
is all about the m*rder mystery?

It's right there in the name, so...

But... Pearl and I have so
many more things planned.

- We do?
- You do?

Uh, yeah! You tell him.

Oh. Uh, she must mean my riff
on "Pin the tail on the donkey,"

only instead of a donkey, it's...

- A crow?
- Oh, you've played it?

Hey. Hey. Where do you
two think you're... (GASPS)

You're trying to do an Irish Goodbye.

Wait, is that offensive?

BOTH: The Irish are fine.

You know how important this party is

to Freddie's relationship with Pearl.

Then he of all people should know

how important this date
is to my relationship

with a woman I've never met.

We want to be here for Freddie,

and we know how hard you
worked on this, but face it,

Freddie's mama recapping
an episode of Yellowstone

was the highlight of the night.

Well... There's also
cake and a disco playlist

and drinks that need to happen.

Fine. We will stay for cake and dancing

and, okay, we'll drink heavily,

but after that we are out of here.

Hey, hey, hey! I am
famished. Who wants cake?

I'll get the candles.

Uh-uh. No time. Everybody, sing.

ALL: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- ♪ Happy birthday... ♪
- You know what?

I have always thought
that song was too slow.

(FASTER): ♪ Happy
birthday, dear Freddie ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Spencer, give me the
cake. You're gonna drop it.

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

It's colder than I expected.

Is there at least some
pudding in the fridge?

I ate it.

No. Uh... Millicent and your mom

can just go bake you a whole new cake.

Once again, the women take
on the emotional labor.

You go make a cake for your son.

Huh.

Uh, now... everybody dance

to this awesome playlist
that Pearl obviously made.

♪ ♪

I said everybody!

♪ ♪

- We're gonna die alone.
- Mm-hmm.

♪ ♪

That's too many eggs.

- Uh-huh.
- (DOLPHIN SOUND EFFECT)

You know, I flushed your
fish Donut down the toilet.

- Uh-huh.
- Ugh.

Will you stop flipping with Derek?

Grandma, I pray that
one day you find someone

as kind and dope as Derek,

but until then, you
just don't understand.

Oh. I understand that you are going

to put that phone down and help me bake.

(DOLPHIN SOUND EFFECT)

(SIGHS) Millicent, do
not flip that flipper.

Don't you flip.

(DOLPHIN SOUND EFFECT)

Ugh!

Look, I'm sorry if I'm focused

on the best thing in my
life that will ever be

and not some dumb cake with
way too many eggs in it.

But Derek's going to
flip me back right... now.

Now.

(GROWLS): Now.

It's cold in the shade, isn't it?

♪ ♪

Hey!

Hey!

I never led a conga line before.

I can lead y'all anywhere I wanna go.

I am mad with power!

Where are Millicent and
Mrs. B with that cake?

There's no way we're gonna make it

out of here in time for our dates.

I think we're gonna have to cancel.

Let me just make sure my
message is appropriately delicate

and respectful of their feelings.

Same.

- And...
- Sent.

(PHONES CHIMING)

Wow. What a coincidence.

Wait, no. Dear God, no.

Don't tell me your name on the app is...

BOTH: Gulliver Diphthong!

Wow, another coinci... Oh!

That means your name on the app is...

BOTH: Virginia Salisbury.

You're not ranked third in
the state in women's parkour.

And you don't "occasionally"
sing backup for Anita Baker.

She is retired.

♪ ♪

Beep!

You know what that is, Pearl?

Party just flatlined.

- 'Cause we k*lled it!
- (CHUCKLES)

Carly, I almost ruined
my boyfriend's birthday.

I didn't k*ll it. You did.

None of that matters.
I mean, look at Freddie.

♪ ♪

This whole night was about showing

how well I know my boyfriend,

except it wasn't, 'cause I don't.

You knew he liked all
this stuff, not me.

You probably even knew he
wouldn't like the crow dip.

No one could have predicted that.

Carly, this is your party.

I mean, I'm even wearing your clothes.

I just... I-I need some
air. Will you cover for me?

No, you can't leave.
You can have those clothes.

They're yours. Maybe I can borrow them

sometime, I love your style.

No.

Consider this my Irish Goodbye.

(WITH IRISH ACCENT): Fare thee well.

Wait, that's not even how that works.

(HUMS) Carly, this party is so fun.

Yeah. Pearl nailed it.

She knows you, dude.

She... knows... you...

so... well...

inside... and... out.

Are you buffering? What's happening?

Where's Pearl? Did she leave?

That would ruin everything.
Don't tell me she left.

I will not tell you that.
(GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)

So where is she?

Technically, she is gone.

That I will tell you.

- Uh...
- But...

only because we're shifting

to the second phase
of your mystery party:

Case of the missing Pearl.

♪ Dun, dun, dun! ♪

♪ ♪

That's right, Detective Bellbottoms.

There's a missing Pearl
and it's up to you...

and all of us to find her.

You didn't invent the rumba.

Your uncle is not Don Cheadle!

You've never been knighted!

You don't play harmonica
in a grindcore band!

So is this mystery a part
of the other one or... ?

I just need to know if I
still have a m*rder*d brother.

Am I in mourning when I look for Pearl?

Everything's connected.

Hmm, I wonder where she went... and why.

Actually, don't wonder why.

Just find her.

Uh, maybe she's behind
the kitchen counter

or under the coffee table.

Well, I can see from
where we're standing

she's not under the coffee table.

You know, this is starting to feel

a lot more like hide-and-seek
than a real mystery.

No. There are clues
everywhere. Everywhere.

Ooh, okay. I get it.

This is fun. Uh, the crows.

I knew they weren't
completely pointless.

- Crows are birds.
- Yes.

And birds like to fly...

You are burning hot.

... into the studio where Spencer

always leaves the window open.

I'm trying to see if I can
spot Frasier's apartment.

It is all connected. (LAUGHS)

To the studio. We'll
go how the crow flies.

I am having the time of my life!

How does that guy have a
girlfriend and we don't?

♪ ♪

You get flipped, and you flip back.

It's a simple concept.

Is our society completely falling apart?

Can your grandma give you
a little bit of advice?

Sure.

You can't let your relationship
become your whole life.

Take Lewbert and me.

Ah, Lewbie. The one that got away,

came back, seduced me while
trying to defraud Carly

of millions, then got away again.

You're losing the thread, Granny.

You have to remember,

your happiness or sadness
is only owned by you.

Thanks, Grandma B. You're old.

- (GASPS)
- But you say cool stuff.

(DOLPHIN SOUND EFFECT)

It's Derek!

Aww, he says sorry, he
was helping his grandpa

open a jar of peanut butter.

(SIGHS) To be a fly on
the wall for that g*n show.

I have to write him back.

- (TIMER DINGS)
- Oh.

Eh, he can wait till
after we frost the cake.

Let him sweat it out a little bit.

Oh, my gosh. He just
started using deodorant,

and it's lovely.

(SIGHS, SNIFFS)

It seems more like a frittata.

Do we have time to bake another?

Sure we have the time...
but do we have the desire?

I missed us.

♪ ♪

She's not anywhere.
She's not in the studio.

She's not under Spencer's bed.

Or in that weird cage above it.

Fine. She left. I'm sorry, Freddie.

How could you let her leave?

Oh, so now Pearl being here
is my responsibility too?

You know, I can't do everything.

What are you talking about?

Pearl wanted to throw
you a wet crow party,

and I've been bending
over backwards all night

to try to give you a birthday
you might actually like.

- (SIGHS)
- Yeah.

I think that crow just moved.

You know, a real one could've
flown in here at any time.

We would never know.

Look, Freddie, I knew
you weren't gonna like

what Pearl had planned
so I just took over.

All I wanted to do was make you happy.

I appreciate that,
Carly, but it's not fair.

Pearl is never going to
know me as well as you do.

Oh, Pearl, I'm sorry. I...

No, no. It's okay,
Freddie. You're right.

I'm never going to know
you as well as Carly does,

because you and Carly are
clearly in love with each other.

BOTH: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

MILLICENT: Cha, cha, cha.

BOTH: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

MILLICENT: Cha, cha, cha.

BOTH: ♪ Happy birthday, dear Freddie ♪

MILLICENT: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Cha, cha, cha?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Ooh!

MAN: He hates these cans.