06x22 - The Horseplayer

[bunniefuu]

Good evening ladies
and gentlemen.

Someone had the brilliant idea

that I should don this costume

in order to dramatize the
title of tonight's play.

It is called "The Horseplayer".

Oh, just a moment.
You forgot something.

I'm sure you want to know who
offered this clever charade.

His previous works include the
following one minute audio collage.

THE HORSEPLAYER

- Amen.
- Amen.

Have mercy on us.

Have mercy on us.

Have mercy on us.

I have been asked to announce

that the meeting of the
Mother's Committee

has been postponed
until next Thursday.

Come in.

Ah, Mr. Cheever.
I was expecting you.

Father Amion.

I uh brought those figures
we were talking about.

I'm afraid it's not
very good news.

You see, Father, it's not just a
matter of a few broken shingles.

I could plug up one leak, all right,

but another will just break
out some place else.

Yes, I understand, Mr. Cheever.

You gonna have to have a whole
new set of drains, down-spout.

I just can't see it being managed
for anything less than $ , .

Oh, I'm sure you've
done your best.

Unfortunately, Mr. Cheever, it
seems that the church treasury

has as many leaks
as the church's roof.

We've had so...
many repairs this year.

But I've placed the facts
before the bishop, and...

maybe he can work
a minor miracle.

Meanwhile,

well, we can only hope
for fair weather.

I'm very sorry, Father.

- Thank you.
- Good bye.

Oh, Father.

Will you take a look at this?

What is it?

It's a $ bill, Father.

Yes, so it is.

I don't think I've seen the $ bill
in the mid-week collections

since before the w*r.

Did you see who
the kind donor was?

Oh, I couldn't help
noticing him, sir.

Even before he...
he gave me this donation.

He was in the first
pew on the left.

I don't think he's ever
been at service before.

What was so unusual about him?

Well, he's sort of a
rough looking fella, sir.

Er... sort of sporty clothes.

Oh, you mean the gentleman
in the sport shirt?

Oh, yes. I did see him.

I don't think it's very
charitable of you,

Morton, to criticize his attire.

Oh, I wasn't criticizing him, sir.

Especially after I saw his donation.

Well I, I didn't quite
mean like that, sir.

I understand how you feel.

It does seem a shame
that we should be so

preoccupied with
our expenses, but

I'm sure things will improve.

Yes, Father.
The Lord will provide.

Amen.

Dominus ...

May I speak to you for a moment?

Oh, sure, Father.

I've been wanting to talk
to you for the past week.

Oh, really?

By the way, I enjoyed your
sermon very much, Father.

Oh, I hope you realize that
some of it was meant for you.

I couldn't help noticing how generous
you've been to our poor church.

Are you new in the parish?

Oh, no, I've been around this
neighborhood over years now.

Only, you know, I ain't never
in much for churches.

In fact, the first time I
came in here was about

two weeks ago
on a Tuesday.

Well, I'm certainly glad that
you changed your mind.

Seems to me I've seen
you here several times

during the past two weeks.

Well, yeah.
It... it's okay, ain't it, Father?

I mean you don't mind, huh?

Mind?

- Why should I mind?
- Well, I don't know.

By the way, my name
is Sheridan, and I...

I sure appreciate it, Father.

It meant an awful lot to me
to come here to the church.

- Well, I'm glad.
- Yeah, I'm glad too.

You see, when I saw
that little sign of yours,

you know the little sign
you got outside says...

"Try prayer."

I said to myself,
what have you got to lose?

You had no luck at
nothing else, so...

why not give this prayer
thing a chance? So...

- I came in and tried it.
- And did it help?

Oh, boy. I'll say it helped.

Well, it makes me very happy
to hear you say so, Mr. Sheridan.

You won't believe this, Father,

but that day I had six
winners out of eight.

out of .
And one of them was a : sh*t.

I never had a day like that since
I've been going to the track.

In fact, I was down to
my last two bucks.

Just a moment.

I don't understand
what you mean.

The track, Father,
you know, the horses.

Look, I don't want you to get sore.

I suppose a guy like you...

you probably don't go in for
gambling and stuff like that, huh?

You mean...

my sermon...

sent you to the racetrack?

Oh, no.
I was gonna go anyhow.

I go to the track all the time,
that's how I make my living.

You see, I used to be
in a hardware business.

But I get kinda
tired of it. So...

as I say, when I saw
that sign of yours

I said why don't
give it a whirl, Charlie,

what have we got to lose?

So, I started praying.

Boy, how I prayed.

Give me a winner please,
please God, give me a winner.

So what happened?

I got six of them

and I've been picking them
real good ever since.

Mr. Sheridan.

I don't think you understood
my message at all.

I said the prayer could work miracles

but not for such selfish aims.

Well, it sure was a miracle
all right, Father.

And believe me,
I owe it all to you.

There's been a misunderstanding.
You made a mistake, Mr. Sheridan.

A prayer isn't intended
for horse races,

you can't pray for your purse,

and neglect your soul.

Oh?

I thought you'd be sore.

Oh, no. I... I'm not angry.

Just look at it this way.

Now...

suppose every one at the track

prayed for his horse to win.

Now, you know that is
impossible, don't you?

So don't you realize what a dillemma
would be presented to the Lord?

Is that fair?

Well, yeah, I never
thought of it that way.

I... I guess you're right.

Then you do see the error of it?

Well, uh, yeah.

It... it would be tough.

That is if everybody pray for a
winner, only they don't, see?

Everybody ain't wise to
this prayer racket, Father.

And that's their
hard luck, ain't it?

Come in.

- Father Amion.
- Yes, Morton.

That man... he's back again.

I suppose you mean Mr. Sheridan?

Yes, Father.

As I passed his pew
a few minutes ago,

he kept saying
something about Satan?

Satan?

Oh, I don't think you
heard correctly, Morton.

Oh, yes I did, Father.

He kept saying Satan or...

or devil or something like that.

That's it. Red Devil.

He kept saying it over and over.

I wouldn't worry about it, Morton.

Red Devil is undoubtedly
the name of a horse.

Excuse me. Can I see
Father Amion for a minute?

Come in, Mr. Sheridan.

I hate the burden.
I ain't like this, Father.

I... I know you're a busy man.

That's quite alright, Mr. Sheridan.

That's why I just came in
to make a little donation.

Uh, by the way, you know
that roof of yours is leaking?

I just got a sh*t of water
right in the head.

- I'm aware of it.
- Well...

anyway, as I was saying, I came
in to donate this thirty bucks.

You see, I was out
the track yesterday

and I had a pretty good-sized bet
on a horse named Branding Iron,

you know, one of the horses
that I was praying for.

So as they lined up
at the starting gate

I said to myself if Branding
Iron wins this race,

I'm giving thirty bucks
to the church.

So there you are, Father.

He wins by ranks.

There's no need for you to tell me
where your donation comes from.

Mr. Sheridan,
I thank you for it.

But I'd rather not
discuss the source.

Oh, you still mad at me, huh?

I was never mad at you.

I'm praying for you, Mr. Sheridan.

Oh, yeah?

Boy, now I know I can't miss.

Oh, don't misunderstand me.

I'm praying for your soul,
not your horses.

Oh?

Now I don't want you to
think that I'm ungrateful.

Frankly, you should know
our church is a poor one,

and we can use any donations.

You've been a great help.

And I appreciate it.

You're welcome, Father.
And you deserve it.

And if I ever get anything special,

you know, a horse that's real hot,

and you'd like to put
down a little money...

Really, Mr. Sheridan.

Wait a minute.

I think I got just
the horse for you.

Red Devil in the fourth
race at Belmont.

Do you mind if I use
your phone a second?

Mr. Sheridan.

Remember where you are.

I'm sorry, Father.
I... I only thought that...

I have no wish to interfere
with your way of life.

And I certainly don't want
to be involved with it.

Our church will survive...

without race horses.

You take care of that
cold, Mrs. Spencer.

And tell your husband I'll stop
by to see him next week.

Hi, Father.
Can I give you a lift?

Oh, no thank you.

I'm only going a few blocks
and I rather enjoy the walk.

How do you like it?

Brand new and I don't
even owe a nickel on it.

It's a very handsome vehicle.

Yeah, thanks.

Funny how these things work out.

Hang you know, it's less than a month
ago I only had two bucks to my name.

Remarkable.

You know something, Father?

You know how many winners
I had last week alone?

- No.
- out of .

Seems every time I pray
real hard for a horse,

it turns out to be
practically a sure thing.

Say, Father, I couldn't help but notice
that roof of yours still needs fixing.

You ain't had no luck
raising a dough, huh?

Not for the moments, no.

Well, look. I know how you feel
about the races and all that, but...

if you got a few bucks to spare,

there's a horse going this
afternoon named Sally's Pal...

Mr. Sheridan, I thought
we've closed that subject.

Well, just listen to me
a minute, Father.

Let me tell you about this horse.

You see, they've been
training him in secret,

and I got it straight from the owners
that the horse is absolutely ready.

In fact, he busted the track record
by over two fifth of a second.

Not only once but
a couple of times.

This afternoon, he's starting
his first big race

and all he's got against him is
bunch of broken down fillies.

I don't have to tell you, Father, you
know how colts run away from fillies.

I know nothing of the kind.

Well, take my word for it, Father.
They run like burglars.

And according to the morning line
the horse had to pay about to

probably even more than that.

So it looks like a pretty good spot
for you to pick up a fast buck.

And if I really start praying.

I'm afraid I have to go,
Mr. Sheridan. I...

I have a church council
meeting this morning.

Well, it's up to you, Father.

All I know is I'm putting
my last buck on this horse,

right on the nose. So...

if everything goes all right,

I'd probably won't be seeing
you around no more.

Why is that?

Oh, I guess I forgot to tell you.
I'm buying me a place down in Florida.

It got a wonderful location right
between the Catholic church and Hialeah.

Well, I wish you the best of luck,
Mr. Sheridan.

- I really do.
- Thank you, Father.

Uh, Mr. Sheridan.

You're really sure of
this horse, aren't you?

Oh, sure.
I'm absolutely positive, Father.

You know, like I told you,
I've been praying real hard all week.

Plus which I know the
horses got the stuff.

If... if someone bet
$ on this horse

and... what might
he expect to win?

Well, let me see...

say worst comes to worse and
the horse only pays bucks.

The least a guy could pick up
would be about $ , .

- $ , ?
- Mm-hmm.

Mr. Sheridan, if I were to...

give you...

$ , could you uh...

arrange this transaction for me?

You mean it, Father?

Would you?

Oh, sure, I'd be glad to.

You know, you do unto me,
I'd do unto you.

- Good morning, Father.
- Good morning.

Closing out your savings account?

- Yes.
- Anything wrong, Father.

Nothing wrong.

Our service has been
satisfactory, hasn't it?

Very satisfactory.

How would you like
the money, Father?

Doesn't matter. Oh...

put it in large bills, please.

- Fifties?
- That will do.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, Father.

Okay, Father.
Good luck to us.

I... I don't know what came
over me, your Excellency.

I've never done
such a thing before.

Now, now, Father.

I find it hard to believe you could
have done anything really wrong.

The moment I did it,
I regretted it.

If I could found the man,
I would've stopped him, but...

I don't even know
where to reach him.

Please, Father.

How can I help you if I don't
know what it is you've done.

Your Excellency,

I bet money on a horse.

I see.

And just how much
money did you bet?

All I had. $ .

I went to the bank and closed
out my savings account.

Well...

that is something to
be concerned about.

Whatever possessed you, Father?

You were never a gambling man,

nor did you ever care
much about money.

I don't care about the savings.

I just hope that I
make enough money

to pay for the roof repairs
we needed for so long.

I see.

I shall never forgive
myself for what I did.

I shall never understand
why I did it.

The man I...
I gave the money to,

he seemed so sure of
himself, so successful.

Help me to understand
what I've done.

Help me.

Help me, please to
explain it to myself.

Yes.

I find it hard to believe, Father.

If I didn't know you better,

if you were a young man,

I might understand such rashness.

But it's years.

years since you took your vows.

And to do such a... such a...
such a foolhardy thing.

I know. I know. Please...

tell me what must I do?

You say...

you don't know
how to find this man

to whom you gave the money.

No.

So there's no way of preventing
this bet from being made?

No, there isn't.

You see... the race
is this afternoon.

Then there's only
one thing to be done.

Only one way to make restitution.

And that is?

You must pray, Father.

You must pray as you have
never prayed before.

And I'll add my prayers to yours.

You must pray for
that horse not to win.

- Not to win?
- Yes.

You can't expect a reward
for your error.

No matter what the consequences.

I can see no other expiation.

Except to ask the Lord
to withold this victory.

You must pray for this
with all your might.

But the money, Your Excellency.

We are in such need now.

The money does not matter.

You're right, of course.

I'll do as you say, Your Excellency.

We must pray that the horse...
won't win.

Soul of Christ be my santification.

Body of Christ be my salvation.

Grant me, oh Lord...

this wish I ask in
sorrow and repentance.

Amen.

Father Amion.

Yes, Morton.

Look, he's back.

It's alright, my son.

I understand.

You understand what?

About the race this afternoon.

You've just returned.

Yeah, I just got back
a little while ago.

And... this horse, this
Sally's Pal, it didn't win?

No. it didn't.

Well, now I don't want
you to blame yourself.

You were trying to do good
in your own fashion.

Whatever blame there is,
must fall on my shoulders.

I just don't understand
it though, Father.

You know, it was sure
thing if I ever saw one.

At the head of the stretch
he's leading by four lengths

then all of a sudden,
he quits on me.

I just don't understand it.

Sure thing like that and he quits.

Trouble is I had my last nickel
bet on him right on the nose.

So... now I'm back just where I started
from with two bucks in my pocket.

I think maybe I ought to go
back in a hardware business.

What do you think, Father?

I think it's a very good idea.

Yeah, I think so too. Well...

Anyway, here's your money.

My money?

Well, yeah.

You don't think I was going to risk
your dough on a win bet, did you?

I took the and I
bet them to place, so...

he came in second
and paid $ . . So...

there you are, $ , you won.

The sponsor is being
unusually difficult

about this matter of
the horse costume.

I've explained the labor-saving
advantages of employing a real horse

to do the work of two men,

but he is so enchanted
with this pun of his

on the word Horseplayer

that he insists on
having it out with me.

I should be back shortly.

It will only take a minute
to put him in his place.