02x09 - Back to the Past

[bunniefuu]

( music playing )

Oh my God, you guys, it's happening.

It's the "Shock-a-Con" Talk-a-thon.

I'm Janet Carney and along with Rico Java down on the floor,

we will be with you the entire time,

live streaming coverage, non-stop, 24 hours a day.

Down to you, Rico.

24 hours a day? Just you and me?

Well, that sounds like a terrible idea

and one that I'm just hearing for the first time now.

I am not looking forward to this.

Have you heard about the "Spectrum" reunion?

People are dying for this reunion.

Everyone but Bruise Camp-Bell,

who actually d*ed before the reunion.

Yeah, it totally sucks.

But you know what doesn't suck? Jack Moore,

bringing the star power.

- Also, Wray Nerely is here. - Ow!

Hey, did you hear Tiffany Gizela made it?

Janet: She had to leave this season of "So You Think You Can Judge"

three separate times due exhaustion.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not one to judge,

but I guess also neither is she.

What about Stutter Dawes?

He was on the news for occupying federal lands or something.

Yeah, that was all about chicken grazing rights,

so I guess now "Spectrum"'s got their own ex-con at the Shock-a-Con.

Janet: And Brenda White is here.

Does she still act?

Oh yeah, no, she's been the spokeswoman for, uh, Nutra Malt

and WaistWatchers

and Pounder Weightloss.

So, she has range.

Yeah, about 150 to 200

from what I can tell in the commercials.

We also have Dawn Jones.

I mean, the whole cast is here.

Here is a photo of Dawn and Wray on the red carpet from many years ago

- that we cannot show you. - ( buzzer buzzes )

That's tomorrow.

But Rico, first, what is that cool-ass obstacle course

- behind you? - Oh, what, this?

It's from the "Ambivalence" movie trilogy

to kick off the new threequel.

Oh, yes, I love post-apocalyptic adventures.

Have you read the books?

- No. - Me, neither.

- So good. - Uh, right?

My favorite one was probably maybe two?

But guess who I've got with me?

The star of stage and screen

and the upcoming "Ambivalence: The Uprising,"

Miss Finley Farrow.

- Man: Oh, my God! - Woman: Oh, my God!

- Hey. - Hi, Rico, Janet, hi.

Hey, it's so cool to meet you, Finley.

Oh, my God, hi, Finley. It's me, hi!

So what is the deal with this big obstacle course?

Well, it plays on a lot of the themes from the movies.

- Mm-hmm. - You know today,

young people face a lot of obstacles...

- A dying planet, w*r, famine... - Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, uh, college debt, uh, data caps,

what kind of filter to use on your selfies? Yeah.

I don't think anyone has made it past on the last obstacle yet.

The Blades of Damocles.

It looks like someone's coming up on it now, let's take a look.

Oh, my God.

So I understand that you are starring in a new television series

called "Doctor Cop Lawyer."

Is she okay?

Woman: Jesus, help me, God!

So, has the rest of the cast been decided for "Doctor Cop Lawyer"?

Uh, no spoilers.

Ho, oh. I got a spoiler for you.

Did you say Finley Farrow?

I am not getting that ex-dancer vibe, you know.

Oh, screw it, I'm not bitter.

What the hell?

"Welcome to the Shock-a-Con."

This is all just wrappers and peels.

Well, I've been staying here since Wednesday.

My houseboat got impounded.

This is your bedroom.

I just straightened up.

( sighs )

- Why...? Is this damp? - Yeah.

Wray, I have some good news for you.

Huck Hemsworth has passed on "Doctor Cop Lawyer."

So I am Doctor Officer Blade Slater, Esquire?

Almost. They found a lost Hemsworth.

He spent the last 20 years in the outback on a walkabout.

How many Hemsworths are there?

Oh, no one knows. They're like zebras.

They herd together so they can hide their numbers.

The new one's name is Girth.

- Girth Hemsworth. - ( chuckles )

Hey, Finley Farrow has final approval

of the casting of her co-star

and she's gonna be here this weekend.

So we need to find her and you need to impress her

because guess who else is gonna be here?

- Girth. - Girth?

Pick yourself up by your boob straps,

and you seduce that starlet.

No, no, I don't.

I need to take a nap

because I'm going to see the "Spectrum" cast today

and those people are crazy.

You should get man tips from Stutter.

He makes his own bourbon and beef jerky.

- I also make my own camouflage. - Jesus!

I heard about your little Australian problem.

- Stutter. - Damn foreigners.

Coming into our country, taking our jobs.

I'll get rid of him for you.

Did you just casually offer to m*rder someone?

He's not a citizen. It wouldn't be m*rder.

Yeah, that's still m*rder.

It's perfect m*rder.

I make my own g*ns.

They're untraceable.

I start with a hunk of raw steel.

I hew and chip away

until the spirit firearm...

What the ( expletive )?

...is found within.

This is a p*stol.

This is a g*n.

It's more a work of art than a g*n.

I don't think it's either.

In order for me to sell them at my booth,

I have to say they're works of art.

Part of the convention loophole.

What are you doing in my room?

Our room.

- I'm on stakeout. - Who are you staking out?

- ( glass rattling ) - Tiffany.

You are three months sober.

Don't blow this.

It's the crowds. Everyone just wants a piece of you.

They took all my good pieces.

- No! - No.

Ah. It's just water.

Well, I had to refill them so they wouldn't charge us.

They're all just water?

I've been here since Wednesday.

I'm her court-appointed guardian.

I'm keeping her from harm's way.

- ( g*nsh*t ) - Damn it, Wray.

It's loaded.

There was no trigger. Doesn't it have a safety?

It is a g*n, Wray. It is safety.

Black turtle, keep away. They're sh**ting at me.

Black turtles.

- Black turtles everywhere. - Brenda?

Brenda-- oh my God, you have lost so much...

Wait a minute.

Wray, Pounders is after me.

Never stop moving. Never sleep.

I think maybe you do need to sleep.

- No. - Who do you owe?

Pounders Weight Loss.

They were going to pay me $10,000

for every pound I lost, but I gained150.

What's with the throat sack?

Oh, stubborn last seven pounds.

- $70,000. - You know what?

- Hey, uh, everybody. - Hm?

I-- I want-- I really want you to get out.

Yeah, yeah, everybody out. Out, out!

No, Tiffany, no.

Hey, Wray, I'm gonna do a little recon on Girth Hemsworth.

( chuckles )

I'm gonna dig up some dirt on Girth.

Get some rest.

Girth dirt.

- Hi, Wray. - God.

Damn it, Dawn.

Well, how did--

- how did you get in here? - The rooms are all connected.

- Mine's right next door. - Of course.

Come with me to the bed.

( groans )

- Is this bed damp? - Yeah, Bobbie.

Okay. ( laughs )

Look, um...

Wray, I've been thinking a lot about us.

- I know what this is about. - Yeah?

And, um, you know, what? I'm too tired to fight it.

- Let's do it on the floor. - How dare you?

Okay, put-- put your watch back on.

I am a different person, Wray.

- Motherhood has changed me. - Since when?

For God sake, my twins are right next door.

Look, okay.

I-- I just came to your room today

to tell you that I am not coming to your room this weekend.

- Okay. - So if you will excuse me,

I am going to go breastfeed one of my twins.

- Aren't they like four? - ( scoffs )

It's a natural bonding process.

Okay, well, then why are you only feeding one of them?

Well, the other one's been getting handsy.

That's...

( sighs )

Where's Jack?

The VIP room.

Oh, my God!

Oh, here we go.

Um, no, it's okay. Hello, that's Jack Moore.

That's Jack Moore, he's my friend. Don't-- you're gonna push me?

- Wray? Wray? - I can push you back.

- Rodrigo. Rodrigo. - What the hell?

Rodrigo, it's all right. That's Wray.

He's my best friend. He's okay.

But good job, good job, big guy.

Good job, man.

What the hell is this?

Cardboard cutouts. Pretty lifelike, right?

Helps me meet my con-bligations.

All the V.V.I.P.'s get them.

Oh. I-- I...

I didn't get one.

- I guess I am just a V.I.P. - Oh, actually that's the I.P. badge.

You're two very's short, which is too bad.

Because the V.V.I.P.'s get some pretty sweet perks.

That guy in the corner. He's doing my taxes.

Hot tip. Belize is the new Panama.

Yeah. Okay.

This is it, buddy. We did it.

We're here. "Shock-a-Con."

- "Shock-a-Con." - Is the rest of the cast here?

Yeah.

Yes.

I think they're here in more ways than one.

Okay.

It's just a ficus.

I saw 'em for about, uh, ten minutes

- and I'm already going crazy. - Well, listen.

Can you keep a handle on 'em for the weekend?

Okay, just until I'm finished securing financing.

You haven't secured financing?

It's not a...

It's all but done, but you can handle them, right?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Oh, hey, did I tell you?

I'm still in the running for "Doctor Cop Lawyer."

- Of course you are. - ( laughs )

- For the lead, man. - Of course.

And they just signed Finley Farrow.

- What? I love her. - I know.

It's just between me and one Hemsworth.

Oh. Tough break.

Well... what?

Um, I'm sorry.

This looks great. Can I get a little privacy?

Thank you so much.

( speaks native language )

Out.

I-- I-- didn't mean for...

- Should I go? - No.

Hey, you're one great-looking guy.

Yes, sir. See you, Jack.

Um, I got a couple cameos to do.

I understand.

Listen.

I just lost the Agent Hammertoe franchise to a Hemsworth.

- What? - Plus some other projects.

Careers can be funny things.

It's a pretty volatile time right now.

Yeah, I've heard that, but you, man.

- How volatile? - You know, it's zeitgeist-y.

It's vertical integration.

Right now my movie career is suffering

a ablation of brand affection.

I've never heard you talk like this.

Hey, man, I've got "Spectrum."

I'm going into my past so that I can move forward.

Excuse me, Mr. Moore.

Your relaxation massage is ready.

Thank you so much.

Hey, you need anything? Laser eye surgery?

- Sandwich? Anything? - No, oh my God, no.

Ooh, this is all I need. That is good.

Oh, that's in there.

It's in there.

I didn't realize things were so bad, man.

Going back to your past to move forward into the future.

I don't know, man.

I've been living in my past for the last ten years.

It's lonely. It is rough. It is tough.

Yeah. Yeah.