05x09 - Zeek and Ye Shall Find

[bunniefuu]

Chris:

Last time,

On "total drama all-stars":

The teams were no more,

And it was a free-for-all race

To the floating machines

For a regatta de boat

Around wawanakwa,

But some floated better

Than others

For some reason -

(Coughs) mal! -

And chef supplied

Some dynamite entertainment!

Alejandro won the challenge

And duncan proved he still had

A little villain in him

After all!

(Sobs, then clears throats)

Cameron would've gotten

The flush,

But he was saved by duncan's

Court-ordered exit,

Complete with police escort!

That'll learn him.

(Chuckles)

Seven players move on.

Soon, one more will be gone.

Who will it be?

Stick around and see!

Here on

Total... Drama... All-stars!

♪♪

♪ I wanna be,

I wanna be

♪ I wanna be famous

♪ I wanna be,

I wanna be

♪ I wanna be famous

(Whistling chorus)

(Camera shutter snaps)

Alejandro:

(Long, relaxed sigh)

This is the life.

The life I deserve.

The life I will have

After I win the million dollars.

Butler, would you like to hear

A story about me?

I was born a beautiful man...

Chris:

Hey, roomie!

Since my house got destroyed,

It looks like

I'll be staying here.

Hey, it's no fun

For me either!

I lost everything,

Including my swim trunks!

(Laughs)

Ugh! Que frio!

Que?

What have we here?

So this is how chris

Knows all.

All the footage

Since we arrived here?

Hmm...

"Mal's greatest hits."

How interesting.

(Cameron snores,

Mal snickers evilly)

(Laughing)

(Grunt of effort,

Electricity crackles)

(Electricity fizzles)

Cameron:

Whaaa! Oof!

(Inhales deeply)

(Whistling "in the hall

Of the mountain king")

(Evil laughter)

Time to plant

Some evidence.

Hola, strange one.

What are you up to?

Alejandro,

How could you?!

(Evil laughter)

Planting evidence

In my loser cabin bed?

Nice try,

But I will not be framed.

I didn't vote for you!

Honest!

Uh... Me neither!

But someone's

Been up to no good.

We should search the cabin

And see if we can find

Any clues!

Cameron:

Good idea.

Thanks, you guys!

Mal:

Uh, yeah, you guys better check

Over there.

Nope.

Uh, zoey?

No clues in the drawers

Either.

Mal: what?

Zoey: anything there?

Well... Ye... No.

Cameron:

(Gasps) you!

(Stunned)

Uh...

Anything you can do

I can do better...

And look better doing it.

Hello, insurance policy.

(Nervous chuckle)

Okay, as if!

Why would I stick them

Under my mattress

And then suggest

Searching the cabin?

He's right, cam,

It makes no sense.

None of it does!

It's unlike any equation

I've ever encountered.

Endangerment plus betrayal

Times evidence equals:

Aggghhhhhh!

Pal, you know

You can trust me.

No. I can't trust anyone!

I'm a lone wolf!

I'm the new lightning!

Sha... Something!

(Sighs heavily)

Don't worry, mike,

I'll talk to him.

Chris said the vote

Was unanimous,

But how is that possible?!

I didn't vote for me!

Someone tampered

With the votes.

But who? How?!

And why?!

Chris:

Challenge time!

Proceed to the mclean

Spa library, pronto!

(Loud snap)

Whoooooaaa!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Scott: agh!

Courtney: ahem.

Scott:

(Sniffs) uh...

I was just making sure

I don't stink.

A-a-and I don't,

Seriously.

(Awkward titter)

Uh... Let's pretend

I just showed up now.

Cool.

Oh wait, don't!

Courtney: (yelps and grunts)

Scott: (grunts)

Both: muah!

Courtney: (gasps)

That was totally an accident.

Eeee!

We kissed!

(Chuckles)

I did stink a little.

Scott:

Uh, will you be

My boyfriend?

Uh, no!

Uh, my boyfriend!

Urgh! Me yours. Me boy!

Just...

Will you go out

With me?!

Courtney:

Yes.

My first ring!

I'll keep it in my pocket.

No way his shoelace

Goes on my finger.

Boys pee outside

In the dark!

(Clears throat)

I won't do it!

No! Cameron's my friend!

Um, what's going on?

Mal:

Hey! Pfft!

Scott and courtney were

Just saying bad stuff about you.

Cameron: what?!

Mal: alejandro and gwen too.

Gwen?!

I thought we were friends!

But then, she was on

The villains team...

Thanks, pal.

Sorry I said

I couldn't trust you.

Obviously I can.

Good. But we're still

In danger.

Right now

It's three to four -

You, me and zoey

Versus everyone else.

We need to lure one of them

Into our g*ng.

But how?!

We'll think of something.

Courtney:

Where's chris?

Just hush up!

You'll see in a minute.

(Slurps loudly)

Uh, are you okay?

(Scoffs)

(Noisemaker honks)

Welcome to episode

Of total drama!

To celebrate,

I have an extra special

Th episode challenge.

(Devious chuckle)

I hope no one is allergic

To rhinoceroses...

Or fire...

Or poison, small pox,

Gluten...

Gwen:

Is that...?

Chris:

Urea-formaldehyde, terror,

Tree nuts...

Contestants:

Look out! Look! Look!

Please don't interrupt,

I'm- whoa!

(Chef spits,

Electricity fizzles)

Chef:

I... That can't...

Aggghhh!

New challenge!

Find chris!

You want us to hunt

For zeke?!

No way!

He's psycho-crazy!

Hey! If no one saves chris,

There ain't no show.

Which means no winner

And no million dollars!

What?!

That's not fair!

Hold on.

We accept this challenge,

But only if the one

Who finds chris

Gets immunity

For the next vote.

And permanent residence

In the spa hotel

For as long as

They're in the competition.

And they get to send

One person

To boney island.

Chef:

Fine! Deal!

Just find chris!

Zoey:

Last season zeke

Was living in the mine.

Maybe that's where

He took chris?

Chef:

To the mine!

Mal:

Huh. Looks like it's still

Sealed up.

Cameron:

Maybe there's another way in.

Chef:

Then find it!

I'm heading back to the hotel

To see if I can get

The monitors working!

Let's do this!

Um, yeah, sorry,

But it's our one-hour

Anniversary

And three's a crowd.

Bye!

Courtney:

(Giggles) sorry!

Alejandro?

Alejandro:

No thank you.

Only one person can win

This challenge,

And that person

Is going to be me.

Ooh! Wait up!

Cameron:

Oh...

Seriously,

What is up with cameron?

She disses me,

Then wants to hang out with me?

Make up your mind!

Courtney:

Look! This must be where zeke

Gets in and out.

Ladies first.

Or is that wrong

'Cause this is dangerous?

Or is that wrong

Cuz this is the st century?

Or is it the nd?!

Uh... Cool.

I'll make sure he doesn't

Sneak up on us from behind!

I have no idea

How to be a boyfriend.

The only advice my dad

Ever gave me about dating was,

If you're ever in holland,

Go dutch.

Oh... (Laughs)

I get it now

I bet this leads

Down to the mine.

There's another hole

Over here.

And here too!

(Gasps) oh, no-no-no.

I can't go down a hole!

I've got a phobia

About being buried alive!

No way I can-

Aggghhhhhhhhh!

Zoey:

Gwen!

Come on, cam,

I've got a good feeling

About this one.

Shouldn't we follow

The girls?

Agghhh! Whaaa!

Perfecto.

Agh! Agh!

Ungh! Ungh!

(Frustrated groan)

Hello?

Anyone?

Gwen?

Still wanna be partners?

(Laughs)

Hardy-har-har, chef.

Yeah, you got me.

Chef?

(Feral grunts)

Ezekiel?!

(Laughs)

Hey, buddy!

(Nervous chuckle)

Yeah...

Looking good.

Yeah, quite the k*ller drool

Ya got there.

(Chuckles) that's toxic waste

Exposure for you though,

Am I right?

(Nervous laugh)

Um... What's up?

You upset with me

Or something?

(Wild hissing)

I'm not very well versed

In freaky-a-zoidal

Interpretive dance,

But...

I'll take that as a yes.

Cameron:

Zoey?! Gwen?!

Hello!

Aw, nuts!

I guess the holes

Took us

To different areas

Of the mine.

Gwen:

(Panting)

Come on, work! Ugh!

Okay, you can do this,

(Hyperventilating)

Don't panic.

Gaaaaah!

We got sound!

Now where's

The dang picture?

Oh, you want an update?

I got no idea

What zeke is up to,

Where chris is,

Or where the kids are at!

And I got no idea

How we're gonna find

Any of that out

With the monitors

On the fritz!

Intern:

(Clears throat)

On total... Drama... All-

Chef:

Fix the monitor!

Aggghhhhhh!

Zoey?!

There you are!

You scared me

Half to death!

Thank you so much!

Don't ever do that again!

You're the best!

I'm here, I'm here.

Deep breath in.

(Inhales deeply)

Zoey:

Blow out the candle.

(Exhales forcefully)

Better?

Good.

Let's keep moving.

Man, she's good.

Mal:

We need to figure out

Who to pull over to our side.

Alejandro's not trustworthy,

And gwen and courtney

Are too tight...

That leaves scott.

He's not gonna wanna

Team up with me

After I made him

Shark bait!

He might,

If we can drive a wedge

Between him and courtney.

(Gasps) and I know exactly

How to do it.

Just kiss her

In front him!

How would scott b*ating me up

Drive a wedge between them?

(Chuckles)

No.

You gotta make it look

Like she kissed you.

Then you'll both be guys

She "toyed" with.

Instant camaraderie!

Maybe. But he could

Still crush me first.

There must be

Another way.

(Grunts and pants)

Finally!

Adios, beautiful bota!

Your brother

Will surely miss you!

Chris:

(Awkward chuckle)

Where's all this anger

Coming from?

Was it season three,

When I kicked you

Off the plane,

Made everyone hunt you down,

And threw you in a volcano,

Huh?

Was it last year,

When I sealed you

Inside a mine

Filled with toxic waste?

Oh! Was it this season,

When I flew you back in

Just to boot you out again?

(Guttural howl)

Nah, you wouldn't let a thing

Like worldwide televised

Humiliation

Come between us,

Would ya?

Cute pets!

(Nervous gasp)

(Footsteps crunch,

Water drips)

(Guttural panting)

Did you hear that?

I heard that!

Did you hear me

Hearing it?

Zoey: (screams)

Gwen: huh? Aggghhhh! Oh!

(Incoherent whimpering)

(Power fizzles on)

Chef: we got picture!

What in tarnation is...

(Horrified gasps)

(Incoherent whimpers)

Scott:

I like your eyes,

Both of them,

On your face.

They look good.

Oh, heh, thanks.

I like yours too.

Both of them?

Okay, sure.

Can you stop burning

My retinas now?

I can't see anythin-

Aagggghhhhhhhhhh!

Scott:

Courtney!

I'm your girlfriend!

(Distant screaming)

Cameron:

You hear something?

All:

(Impact grunts and groans)

Owwwwww!

Mal:

This is your chance.

Kiss her. Do it! Hurry!

Cameron:

Mmm!

(Angry gasp)

Sorry!

Uh... I mean, whoa!

Why'd you kiss me?!

That was actually

My first kiss.

It feels like pressing

Your face against meat...

But nice.

(Furious growl)

Huh?

You kissed him?

Why?!

(Outraged)

I- what- are you-?

Scott: of all the-

Courtney: we fell!

Scott: you're so-

Courtney: just listen-

This is just-

To me for a-

I can't believe!

Mal:

Run!

I can't believe I ever liked

The eyes inside your face!

So now you don't?!

No! I don't think

I-

(Primal roar)

Courtney and scott:

(Horriified screams)

Hmm.

What?!

I eat when I'm stressed.

Zoom in on the rope

Holding chris!

(Rats squeak)

(Gasps)

We're gonna need

More ice cream.

Thank goodness

You guys are okay.

Know what's not okay?

That you kissed cameron,

And on our two-hour

Anniversary!

That's just cold!

I'm telling you,

He kissed me!

That's not what I saw!

Well, if you don't

Believe me,

I don't want your dumb

Shoelace ring!

Scott:

Good!

Cause having one loose sneaker

Was making me crazy!

The sad thing is,

This isn't the worst party

I've ever been to.

(Mal and cam grunt and pant,

Mine rumbles)

Mal and cameron:

Aagggghhhhh!

Whoa! Mike! Help!

Hang tight

And I'll go get something

To lower down to you.

Be right back!

Cameron:

Hurry!

(Whistles "in the hall

Of the mountain king")

Gravity times "nerd-arms"

Equals five minutes max

Before he falls.

(Evil laugh)

(Gasps) mike?!

Alejandro:

Require assistance?

Cameron:

Alejandro!

What're you...?

What did you do to mike?

Grab hold,

Little one.

No! I only trust

Zoey and mike.

I don't want help

From anyone else!

What if I told you your trust

Was gravely misplaced?

I wouldn't believe you!

Then I wish you

A soft landing.

He will fall...

And his landing

Will not be soft.

(Low growl)

Aaggghhhhh!

Chef:

We're outta ice cream.

Total drama will not end

At episode !

(Cocks bazooka)

(Cage door clangs shut)

Alejandro:

Is this supposed to be

A party?

(Splat)

Agghhhhhh!

Zoey:

Please tell me

This is fudge.

(Slurps)

Yup, it's fudge.

Phew! Thank goodness.

Courtney, scott and zoey:

Aahhhh! Agghhh! Ahhh!

Scott:

And yum!

Ow! Oh, I hope mike and cam

Are having better luck!

Mike?

Mike, hurry!

Aaaggghhhhhhhh!

Gwen:

Forget chris, find a way out.

Forget chris, find a way out.

(Approaching scream,

Loud splash)

Cameron?!

(Wretches, coughs and vomits)

Gwen?

You, you saved me.

Well, yeah.

Why wouldn't i?

I'm sorry I was so cold

To you before!

Mike had me going,

But from here on in,

I trust you completely.

So, uh, wanna find a way

Outta here

Or stop hugging

Or something?

Cameron:

Come on, let's find chris

Together!

Yeah... Great.

Mal:

(Grunts)

Cam, buddy?

You still there?

You won't be for long.

Well, that's one problem down.

(att*ck hiss)

Zoey:

Mike! Are you okay?

I guess it's all up to gwen

And cameron now.

Just gwen,

I suspect.

The last time

I saw cameron

Will likely be

The last time I saw cameron.

Zoey:

What did you do to him?!

Nothing! I tried to help,

But he would not accept.

Huh! So you just left him

Hanging there?!

Not cool!

Interesting.

I never mentioned

That cameron was hanging.

Chris:

Yo, little rodents,

Uh, let's make a deal here.

I know a cheese artisan...

Ack! Surely we can work

Something out.

(Rope snaps,

Toxic soup bubbles)

(Gnawing sounds)

(Gasps)

Okay...

Getting scaredy.

Heh heh.

Hellllllp!

Cameron:

Look, streamers -

From the party

Chris was planning.

Chris:

Helllllp!

It came

From down here!

Which is why we should go

The other way!

Chef:

(Growls)

I said... Hellllp!

Chris!

(Contestants cheer)

Chef:

Aggghhhhh!

(Rats squeal)

Chris:

What took you so long?

(Sniffing)

And why do you smell like

Mint chocolate chip ice cream?

(Bazooka clicks,

Ezekiel hisses)

(Chef and chris yelp,

Bazooka blasts)

Chef: oof!

Contestants: (gasp)

Zeke... Zeke...

Let's talk about this.

(Hissing and snarling)

I'll distract zeke,

You get chris.

You saved my life.

I owe you this!

Yoo-hoo, looky looky!

I'm a big distraction!

(Snarls)

Ha, you missed!

(Deep rumbling)

Uh-oh. Aaggghh!

(Exekiel hisses,

Bazooka clicks)

Gwen:

This is for cameron.

(Loud blast)

(Snarls and screams)

(Contestants cheer)

Chris: wha-ow!

Gwen: cameron!

Coulda been

A little more gentle!

Gwen: cameron?!

Cameron: (moans weakly)

Chris:

Come on, we gotta get outta here

Before zeke...

Gwen and chris:

(Frightened gasps)

For the record,

I would like to state that i,

Chris mclean,

Am not afraid of that sad,

Misunderstood freakshow

Named ezekiel.

Sure, it looked like

I was scared,

But I was faking.

I would say that

That dramatic performance

Is worth at least

Five gemmies.

(Snarling and hissing outside)

(Gasps)

Hellllllp!

Mal:

(Evil snicker)

Chris:

Gwen wins

Our never-to-be-repeated-

Or spoken-of-again challenge.

She saved all of us,

But, more importantly,

She saved me.

So I'll honour the deal

Chef made -

The spa hotel is yours,

Gwen.

Who's heading for exile

On boney island?

Alejandro.

(Sighs)

First my boot,

Now this.

As for who goes home,

No vote is required.

Cameron is too injured

To continue,

So as rules

And my cruel streak dictate,

He must be flushed.

I'll miss you, cam.

(Muffled)

Miss you too!

You get better,

Okay?

Thanks, gwen.

Bye, mike.

Oh, mike's gone.

I'm mal,

And I let you fall.

So long, sucker.

(Laughs)

(Muffled scream of horror)

(Bubble pops, remote beeps,

Toilet flushes)

Yeah, not how I wanted

To celebrate

The th episode

Of total drama,

But at least no one got hurt.

Well, cameron did,

But not me,

And that's what's important

Here on

Total... Drama... All-stars!