05x10 - The Obsta-kill Kourse

[bunniefuu]

Chris:

Last time on "total drama,"

We celebrated

Our th episode

With a surprise

Guest appearance

And a kidnapping

Of the host-y kind.

But I stayed strong.

Hey! Who put that there?!

Ahem.

Alejandro found out

Who sabotaged the last vote

And made himself

An insurance policy.

And courtney proved to be

Quite the klutzy kisser.

Okay,

Someone is so getting fired!

Chef is a stress eater,

Mal betrayed cam,

Gwen stopped zeke,

Cam got hurt,

Cam got flushed.

Helllllp!

That is it!

Luckily, nothing gets me

Out of a bad mood faster

Than upping the "ow" factor

In a challenge!

Stick around to see

Who goes down,

Right here on

Total... Drama... All-stars!

Tell the editor to meet me

At the flush o' shame!

(Chuckles)

♪♪

♪ I wanna be,

I wanna be

♪ I wanna be famous

♪ I wanna be,

I wanna be

♪ I wanna be famous

(Whistling chorus)

(Camera shutter snaps)

Courtney:

How could scott dump me?!

Grrr!

I know it's hard...

Courtney:

Kissing cameron

Was an accident!

Zoey:

Oh, of course, but-

Courtney:

And he kissed me!

Zoey:

Time out!

Sorry. Just...

Maybe you just need to talk.

And hey,

On the bright side,

Kissed by two guys

In one day?

You're on fire!

She's right.

Yay me!

Thanks, zoey.

Do me a favour?

Don't mention this

To gwen.

I haven't exactly

Been easy on her

About the whole

Kissing thing.

Your secret is safe

With me.

Thanks!

You're a pal!

(Knocking)

Mal:

Hey, zoey.

You okay?

Zoey:

(Sighs) I still can't believe

Cam's gone.

Ah, me neither.

I miss him so much!

Ha! Mike might miss

The little brainiac,

But as far as I'm concerned,

Getting rid of cameron

Was like scraping gum

Off my shoe -

A bit sticky,

But oh so satisfying.

Chester:

So much walking!

Why'd I ever agree

To go on a "quest"?

Ah, there better not be

Any of that

Rock and/or roll music,

Or, or dancin'

Where we're goin'!

Svetlana:

Vill you keep it down

Vit der babbling?

He might hear you!

Mike:

Svetlana!

Ah... Oh.

What are you doing?

Mal told me,

"Sculpting fishies wis butter

Or cease to exist!"

Mike:

Well, it's time to cease

His existence.

Shhh!

Stop wis the talking.

He has ze ears everywhere!

Mike:

Okay... That could be a problem.

Now to deal

With my biggest thr*at:

Alejandro.

(Chuckles)

He's going to pay

For sabotaging my sabotage.

I have to tell someone,

And you're the only one

I trust.

I saw alejandro

Refuse to help cam

Just before he fell

In the mine.

(Gasps)

I knew he was a snake!

I bet he's the one

Who tampered with the votes!

If gwen hadn't fished cam

Out of that river,

Oh...

We just can't trust

That guy!

(Mic feedback squeals)

Chris:

Attention maggots!

Last one to the beach

Drops and gives me fifty!

Hup! Hup! Hup!

Courtney:

(Grunts) ow!

What're you doing?

I'm sad.

And when I'm sad,

I eat dirt.

(Chomps noisily)

You'll never cheat on me,

Will you?

Courtney:

Oh, that is it!

Listen up, farmboy,

Cameron kissed me!

And now he's gone,

So we're back together.

End of story!

Now, let's go!

Can't help it.

I loves me a bossy lady.

But I'm not forgivin'

Or forgettin' just yet.

Courtney might not be finished

Her kissing spree.

Contestants:

(Wheezing and panting)

At ease, maggots.

'Bout time you got here,

I was almost getting bored.

Glad you could join us,

Alejandro.

You know the deal.

Last one here

Equals push-ups there.

Of course I'm gonna be

The last one.

I was exiled

On boney island!

You mean "I was exiled

On boney island, sir!"

Chris is lucky I have

A bigger problem to deal with:

Mal.

Good thing I have a dvd

Full of incriminating footage

Hidden in the hotel.

When the time is right - bam! -

I'll expose that phoney,

Or my name isn't

Alejandro burros muertos.

Chris:

(Laughs over loudspeaker)

Tell 'em what

Your last name means!

(Laughs)

(Groans)

It's a very respected name

Where I come from.

Very respected!

...and fifty!

Didn't break a sweat.

Chris:

Listen up, worms.

Chef's boot camp challenge

In season one was tough.

But this is season five

And things are about to get

A whole lot more hurt-ey

With... The chris mclean

Obsta-k*ll course -

Patent pending!

To win this full-on

Race challenge

And avoid getting flushed,

First, you'll have to conquer

The fun tires!

Get through them

And you're on

To the rope slope!

Some ropes are less reliable

Than others,

So choose wisely.

But not too wisely;

That'll spoil the fun for me.

Next, the snapping bars!

Zoey:

Why are they called that?

Chris:

Oh, you'll see.

Then it's on to a pleasant run

Through the duck and cover.

Come outta that alive

And you're in

For a real treat!

Pfft!

Piece of cake.

Chris:

Ohhh! In that case...

No!

Everyone has to wear

A heavy pack

For the whole challenge!

Contestants:

(Groaning) scott!

Not again! Why?!

Abandon your pack

And you'll face

A brutal penalty,

Seriously.

(Laughs)

This is gonna be awesome!

Gwen:

He let cam fall?

Wow! That's harsh,

Even by alejandro standards.

Yeah. Mike and I are planning

To vote him off as payback.

Count me in.

Awesome.

Now we just have to survive

This challenge.

At least it's not underground,

Right?

Zoey and gwen:

(Laugh)

(Gasps)

Zoey better not be forming

An alliance with gwen,

Or telling her about me

Kissing scott and cameron.

Or both!

Agh! Why didn't I take

That lip reading course?

Better watch your step,

Pal.

Or is it al?

Quite a warning

Coming from the guy

Who tampered

With the votes.

So what?

Who's gonna believe you,

The most manipulative player

In total drama history?

True, I'm not known

For being trustworthy.

That is why

I have procured a dvd

Full of footage of you

At your shiftiest.

Your hours here are numbered,

Pal.

Or should I say "mal."

Agh! Wait!

My people have a saying:

"Burros muertos

No hablan."

"Dead donkeys don't talk?"

Chris:

(Laughs)

Alejandro dead donkeys!

(Wild laughter)

It's more poetic in spanish,

But...

Agh! My point is,

Your secret is safe

With me!

I must stop this monster.

No one ruins my symmetry

And gets away with it!

What're you guys

Doing?

Mal:

Oh, ah...

(Chuckles)

Alejandro tripped,

And I was just helping him up.

Agh!

You should really

Be more careful.

On your marks...

Get set...

Go!

(Bullhorn blasts)

This is easy!

Courtney:

Agghhhhh!

Huh? Gah!

(Screams in pain)

Oh! My foot is touching

My face!

Chris:

You dung beetles didn't think

Colonel mclean

Would give you

A straight-ahead challenge,

Did you?

Mal:

Whoa! (Laughs)

Careful!

Zoey:

Look out!

Thanks!

We make a great team!

His powers of persuasion

Are impressive.

I must get the others

On my side.

The gorgeous side.

Alejandro:

Gwen! I need to talk to you!

Gwen:

Can't! Kinda trying

To stay alive!

Then for now,

A warning:

Whatever you do,

Do not trust mi- (whack)

Oof!

Alejandro:

(Muffled grunts of effort)

Chris:

Mike and zoey are in the lead

And heading for the rope slope.

This oughta be good.

(Electricity buzzes)

What the heck?

(Sniffs)

Come on, zoey!

You can do it!

I'm trying!

Achoo!

Aaggghhhhhh!

(Pained groan)

Chris:

Apparently zoey's allergic

To ropes made of dog hair!

Dog hair?

Ew! Achoo!

Zoey! You okay?

Keep going!

I'll catch up!

(Sniffs)

Licorice?!

(Devious chuckle)

Might as well make this

More fun

For the next guy.

(Chomps)

(Gwen pants,

Electricity buzzes)

Uh, are you allergic

To dogs?

Weird question.

No.

Ha! It's just,

Your rope is...

Huh? (Sniffs)

Ew! Yuck!

Zoey:

(Laughs)

I know, right?!

So gross!

Zoey and gwen:

(Laugh)

You two better not

Be talking

About me kissing

Scott and cameron!

(Gasps)

You kissed cameron?!

Oops!

Not only that,

She kissed him

While we were going out!

But we're back together

And very happy.

Gwen:

If we survive this,

You and I are having

A little chat, courtney!

Courtney:

(Sighs)

What're you waiting for?

Climb!

Scott:

No worries,

I'll be up in a country jiffy.

(Garbled screams,

Electricity buzzes)

Chris:

(Laughs)

Looks like someone

Found my favourite rope:

The zapper!

Alejandro:

(Panting) scott!

We need to talk!

You can't trust-

(Scott yelps)

Perhaps I'll, uh,

Tell you later.

Aye!

Ha ha!

Still got it!

Chris:

Will anyone survive

The obsta-k*ll course?

Will scott become

A human hot dog?

Will I laugh

No matter what?

Yes to that,

But for all the other answers,

Stay tuned

To total... Drama... All-stars!

Chris:

Mike is first to reach

The snapping bars,

Followed by gwen and zoey.

Gwen:

Agh! So that's why they're

Called the "snapping" bars.

Hilarious.

Mal: (grunts)

Alejandro: ha!

Mal:

Let go of me!

Ungh!

Alejandro:

Not without a fight!

Mike:

Come on,

Let us help you break free!

Svetlana:

Oh! Ohhh!

Mike:

Ah. Svetlana?!

What's happening?

Is him!

(Frightened screams)

(Gasps, as svetlana)

Svetlana svetlympic champion

Wis ze hanging bars!

Alejandro:

Agh! Ungh! Agh!

(Repeated thuds)

Hmm... I thought mike

Couldn't access

His other personalities

Anymore.

At least he didn't turn

Into that mal character.

(Frightened cries)

Mike:

Fight it, svetlana!

Fight mal!

(Strained grunts)

Ze chain!

(Grunting)

(Metallic clank)

Hoorah!

Svetlana helps you now!

(Slurps butter)

Alejandro:

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!

Gah! Stop!

(Grunts and gasps)

(As mal)

Huh? Whoa!

(Water splashes)

(Woozy groan)

(Spits)

Grrr!

Aggghhhhhh!

(Gurgled cries)

Mike!

Mal:

(Spits and gasps for air)

Chris:

(Laughs) alejandro

Takes the lead,

And mike just might be

Out of commission.

How could svetlana

Take off like that?

Mike!

Oh, he's messing

With my plans!

Grrrrrr!

I'm coming for you, bro.

(Static hisses)

Zoey:

Hang on, mike,

I'm coming!

Gwen:

Agghhh! Hey!

Ugh! Not cool!

Chris:

Oh, and here comes

Team break-up make-up!

Owww!

My left butt cheek!

Aggghhh!

My right butt cheek!

Why is it always my butt?

Courtney:

Move it!

I didn't carry you to the bars

Just so you could fall off-

Scott:

Aaggghhhh!

(Water splashes,

Scott screams)

Courtney:

Ugh! You're on your own,

Slacker!

Zoey:

Come on! If alejandro wins,

We can't vote him off!

You go ahead.

If I help scott,

He might vote

For alejandro too.

Okay,

But be careful!

Oh, I always am.

Alejandro:

Zoey, we must talk.

Zoey:

Mike saw you

Let cam fall.

Try to handsome-talk your abs

Out of that!

Alejandro:

What?! No, no, no.

Zoey,

Mike is not who he seems.

And I can prove-

Gah!

Zoey: ewww!

Chris: forgot to mention,

This is chef's favourite place

To unwind

With some leechball

Target practice!

So, you better duck

And you better find cover!

Zoey:

Ow! Ugh! Agh!

Alejandro:

Agh! Madre mia.

Chris:

And zoey takes the lead!

Scott:

Agh!

So you're saying

Alejandro

Convinced cameron

To kiss courtney

To drive a wedge

Between us?

Yes.

A wedge of what?

Cheese?

(Exasperated sigh)

Put it this way:

Alejandro used cam's lips

To kiss your girlfriend.

Now that I understand!

I have to find

Courtney!

(Grunts of effort)

Lousy pack!

Ugh! Forget this!

What about the penalty?

I'll deal with it

When I win!

Gwen:

So you admit you kissed cam

While you were with scott?

No!

Cameron kissed me!

Why would he do that?

Maybe because

He thinks I'm pretty?

Sure, yeah, of course.

It's just...

It kinda came

Outta nowhere.

(Leeches splat)

Nearly there!

Agh! Aw, come on!

Agh! Ow! Eep!

Ow! Ooh!

Courtney!

I need to talk to you!

Did you kiss

Alejandro?

Okay,

I'm outta here.

Yes, but it was years ago!

You and I weren't going out,

So it's okay!

Chris:

Hey, bickersons!

Less whining,

More ouch-ing!

Scott: ouch!

Chris: better.

Hey! So I was thinking

Of voting off alejandro next.

Thoughts?

Yes!

Absolutely!

Another piece

Falls into place.

Once alejandro's gone,

I'll be able to concentrate

On getting rid of mike...

For good!

Hey, man. Oh...

You want some help

With those leeches?

You... Would help me?

Nah.

(Evil laughter)

See ya in the toilet, al!

Grrrr!

(Infuriated roar)

I'm coming for you, mal!

Mal:

Zoey! Here, here, let me.

Thanks, mike.

I owed you one,

And we're a team, remember?

Now let's win this thing!

Whoa!

Chris:

Told ya you were in

For a real treat.

This is it, maggots,

The final obstacle!

All you gotta do is

Get to where I'm standing...

Alive!

Ugh! How are we supposed

To do that?

Hello! Backpacks.

(Equipment clanks)

Zip-lining,

Of course!

Alejandro:

Didn't think you would

See me again, did you?

Excellent!

I grew up zip-lining chasms

Three times this size!

(Laughs)

See you in the toilet, mal!

Did he just say

"Mal"?

Mal:

Oh no, (laughs)

He said "pal."

Heh. Handsome jerk!

Let's go together.

Our increased weight

Will make us faster!

Zoey:

Awww! You sound like cam!

Scott:

You didn't say

We were gonna need our packs!

You ditched your pack?

Told ya there'd be

A penalty, bro!

Okay, so I had to hang

From a rope by my hands -

No big thing!

Back on the farm,

My cousins and me

Used to have contests

To see who could hang off

The laundry line the longest

Over a nest of fire ants,

And I mostly won!

(Sighs) good times.

(Spits)

The race for last place

Begins,

As the race for first

Is about to end!

Alejandro looks unbeatable!

But wait!

Zoey:

It doesn't look like

We're gonna pass him!

Mal:

Zoey, hold the line!

Zoey:

Huh? Mike!

Zoey: what are you...?

Alejandro: hey!

Mal:

Now tell me

Where the dvd is!

Alejandro:

(Strained grunt)

Never!

(Carabiner snaps)

Alejandro and mal:

Aaggghhhhh!

Chris:

And mike throws himself

Under the bus

So that zoey wins immunity!

Mal:

Way to go, zoey!

Mal does not belong

In juvee.

He belongs in jail!

Alejandro didn't say "pal."

Did mike do that for me?

Or for mal?!

I need to keep a closer eye

On him.

Courtney and gwen:

Whoaoaoaoa! Oof!

(Chuckles)

Bonus ouchies!

You can count your bruises

While I'm counting

The elimination votes tonight.

Zoey's safe

From the flush o' shame.

So who's going home,

I wonder?

Hello?!

Little help here?!

Chris:

Congratulations, campers.

This was the fastest

Voting process

In total drama history.

The votes are unanimous...

Except for one particularly

Artistic entry.

(Chuckles)

I wish I had thought

Of doing something like that.

(Laughs) hmm.

But everyone else

Wants alejandro

To surf the porcelain

Wave machine.

(Sighs)

Aw, man!

Gee, what a shame.

Not really.

First, since zoey won

The challenge,

She and a camper of her choice

Get to enjoy the spa

Along with yours truly

And gwen.

Nuh-unh.

No way.

You said what now?

Gwen:

I can't take another night

Stuck in that hotel with you!

Fine,

Boney island it is.

(Gasps)

Chris:

So, zoey,

Who ya bringing?

Zoey:

Mike. He's the only reason

I won.

Mal:

Aw! Really?!

You're the best!

How can she not

See the truth?!

Urgh!

Maybe they deserve each other!

This show just got %

Less beautiful.

But I'm not the real villain.

A greater evil

Is lurking!

Chris:

(Yawns)

Boring!

(Button beeps)

Alejandro:

The truth is in the art!

It's in the arrrrrt!

Zoey:

What did he mean

About the art?

Chris:

What did he mean indeed?

You'll just have to find out

Next time

When the final five

Become the fortunate four,

Right here

On total... Drama... All-stars!