01x02 - Red Head Redemption

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boo boo boo boo ♪

♪ Boo boo boo boo ♪

♪ Boo boo boo boo ♪

♪ Boo boo boo boo ♪

♪ Boo boo boo boo ♪

♪ Boo boo boo boo ♪

Ooh!

- Mommy!
- Raaaah!

- Duncan!
- Duncan!

I live in a Hard Rock Café.

Almost there, Annie,

and then you can stop
talking to yourself.

One, two...

Whoa... oa...

Ooh.

Help!

- Okay, ready?
- Ready!

- Charge!
- Help!

- Charge!
- Help!

Help, help, help, help.

Help, help, help, help.

Help!

If we get that flag
before the other team,

we're in the tournament.

Wizard, work your magic.

I'll cast a leg-cramp spell
to slow them down,

but ya boy needs some help!

- Barbarian, clear a path for my spell.
- On it.

Die, trees!

All clear.
Castle dead ahead.

- Archer, we need a wall of fire.
- Wall of fire on its way.

Apprentice Baker,
I need more fire.

I'm doing my best, Wolf.
We're all gonna need food soon

and this damn bread won't rise.

Forget the bread.
We need fire.

Forget the bread?
The bread is pivotal.

If you don't eat,
you lose health points,

and you'll be too dead
to capture the flag.

- Excuse me, sir.
- I don't work here.

- I know. I do.
- My condolences.

You're so handsome, Wolf.

You're such a good dancer,

and your head makes
the cutest squeaky sound.

Of course, you can dip me.
Thanks for getting my consent.

Ooh!

- Where's Mommy?
- I don't know.

It's not like her
to be late and not call.

Yeah, I'd like to order
a large pizza.

- Jaaaack!
- Mommy's home!

And a salad.

Ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha!

- Annie, where are you?
- Under the gillo-tine!

Guillotine.

Right. Not important.
I got you.

I'll get help.
Stay here.

- We've gotta save your mom's life!
- Now?

But I must needs prepare the
victuals for breakfast... ugh!

Get out!

I don't care
what weird thing you're doing.

- I need your help.
- k*ll your own spiders.

- This is bigger than spiders. Come.
- Ow.

Okay, I'm in the middle
of a very important game,

so just press "A"
to blow the bellows,

- and don't let my fire go out!
- Okay, but I'm gonna need you

to forge Dad's signature so I
don't have to get a tetanus sh*t.

Deal.

Boring, stupid, nerdy.

Trouble.
Got Orcs on my ass.

That's Wolf.

- Gonna k*ll me.
- Not today.

There you go, honey.
So how was work?

Jack, I am tired of all
this crap in our garage.

Crap? Every one of these
things is a precious memory

from my youth that some day
I'll pass down to Duncan.

- Oh, I don't want this crap.
- Maybe you're crap.

And the only reason my stuff's
crammed into the garage

is because
you wanted to have babies,

and they wanted to sleep
in the house.

I'm not gonna keep
living like this, Jack.

Oh.

- Mm-hmm...
- Quick, move over!

You were just
supposed to stoke the fire.

What have you done?

The team kept yelling for help,

so I used the bread to lure out
the friendly elves,

then k*lled them all, then filled
the ravine with their blood,

made a raft to get across
by binding their bones together

with their own intestines,
scaled the wall,

and captured the flag before
the other team... simple.

There's a thing called
rules of engagement, Kimberly.

- Sound familiar?
- No, thank God.

Well, you violated
every single one of them.

I mean, these elves
are peaceful merchants.

They couldn't even
warn the other elves

because they don't have
a word for m*rder.

Who cares?
I won the game and got you

in your stupid tournament.
You're welcome, nerdo.

Dude, what the hell
was that last night?

Yeah, sorry about that. I...

Sorry? Never apologize
for being a badass.

That's right.
You're the butchering baker

- that got us into the tournament.
- Hm? Damn straight, I did.

Who knew you could k*ll
people with a butter Kn*fe?

Epic bloodbath. I threw
up right there at Best Buy.

Epic puke-bath.

Get ready to throw down
'cause we're taking on

the toughest team in the league,
the Stay at Gnome Dads.

Don't get too close.

You haven't been vaccinated
against loser-itis.

You literally just
chaperoned our field trip.

This ain't
the children's museum, bitch.

Don't you have a roast to check on?

Joke's on you.
Already in the crock pot.

We're off to practice
while you idiots

waste your time at school.

You don't scare us.

Maybe your weird baby,
but not you.

That's right. The Butchering
Baker is gonna bring

your sorry asses to your knees.

sh**t. I thought it
would've been closed by now.

Ugh. Jerks.

Duncan, Duncan, Duncan.

- Uh-oh.
- Duncan, Duncan, Duncan.

- Duncan, you have my lunch.
- Okay, thanks. Bye!

- What are you celebrating?
- Your brother's a beast.

His psychopathic spree
got us into the tournament.

Yep, he's a total psychopath.

I think I fell in love
with him last night.

I'm sorry, Duncan.

It was me!
He didn't do crap!

- I'm the total psychopath you love!
- Is this true, Duncan?

Okay, Okay,
I briefly abandoned my post,

but I hand-picked her, and I
told her exactly what to do.

Now, can we please get back
to hoisting your hero?

- Kimberly!
- And Duncan.

- Kimberly, Kimberly!
- And also Duncan.

Hmm.

Roadies have the life, huh?

Money, chicks, snakes,
healthcare, pension.

Oh, my God.
Alice Cooper!

- Can I get an autograph?
- Sorry, man. I don't do autographs.

I understand, Mr. Cooper.

I'm just a stupid teenager,
and you're just my hero.

Hey, kid, tell you what.

It's the last show of the tour,

and I'm tired of lugging
this thing around.

- You want it?
- For reals?

But chopping your head off
is the highlight

of every show of every tour.
It's so unpredictable.

I know, but my wife hates me
keeping it in the garage.

She says she's
"tired of living with this crap."

Women.

Could you please
call my principal and yell,

- "School's out for summer"?
- No. Education is very important.

- And about dr*gs...
- I know, I know. Don't do them.

Suit yourself.

What am I doing?

I heard a tortured scream.
Does it mean it's going well?

Horrible. This is the hardest
thing I've ever had to do.

Jack, you were in the Gulf w*r.

- But this means something to me.
- Oh, come on.

When was the last time
you even looked at this stuff?

I look at it every day.

Sometimes I come down at night
and relive all these great shows.

I still feed the goldfish
in Keith Moon's drums.

Those fish
don't look so good, Jack.

They're 42 years old.
They look damn good.

All right, we caught
a lucky break last night,

but that was a fluke.

We've gotta get
back to the basics.

The element of surprise
works only once.

What are you doing here?

You know what? I'm just
gonna rip the band-aid off.

We decided to replace you
with k*ller K.

- What? When?
- In a group text that you're not on.

- What are you laughing at?
- Nothing.

So you're kicking me off the team?
The team that I built,

the team that I thought about
making T-shirts for.

And all that stuff I did for you.

I got you out of that tetanus
sh*t, and because of me,

you didn't have to get
a tetanus sh*t.

Oh, and remember that time

you didn't want to get
a tetanus sh*t?

- Who was there for you?
- You.

But who got us
into the tournament?

Me.
Let me just say what they can't.

- Your game is weak.
- Oh, and you're tough?

That's right, 'cause I'm something

you'll never be...
a middle school girl.

There's no name
I haven't been called,

no taunt I haven't endured,

no body part
that hasn't been shamed.

I show no mercy,
and must k*ll to survive.

Yeah, that's middle school.

Besides, you're still gonna
be on the team, little buddy.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Getting those supplies
you're so good at.

Who wants a Mountain Dew?

No hard feelings, Dunc.
Just playing to win.

You're still our best friend.
Now go get us some Dew.

I tried.

I really tried.
Please don't make me do this.

Okay, I'm sensing you're overwhelmed.

Let's start with something easy.

Um, how about
this confederate flag?

It's a symbol for racism

and offensive
to every decent human being.

I know, but...
Skynyrd!

You can do this, honey.
I have faith in you.

- What's this old gizmo?
- Oh. Peter Frampton's Talk Box.

I stole it from his truck.

He had to cancel
the rest of his tour.

Okay, we're gonna walk to
the dumpster together, honey.

Left foot, right foot,
left foot, right foot.

- I did it!
- I'm so proud of you.

I'm gonna make you
your favorite dinner.

You keep throwing crap out.

♪ I'm sorry, I can't do that ♪

♪ I love my crap,
here's Slash's hat ♪

You're sick!
You need help.

♪ Can I still have spaghetti? ♪

Yeah.

I'm not their stupid water boy.

And I'm gonna tell them that
when I bring them these drinks.

Uh, are you okay?
What happened?

Does nobody believe
in the rules of engagement?!

Hmm?

- Stop chewing at me.
- What? This is how I chew.

It's how I chewed
since I was born.

It's true.
My nipples were a crime scene.

Stop it, stop it, stop it!

Enough of this brouhaha.
What is all this hubbub about?

All I did
was be better than Duncan

at the thing he loves most
and take his place on the team,

and now his friends
like me more than him

and I don't know why he's making
such a big deal out of it.

I don't mess around
with the stuff you love

like clarinet
and online bullying.

You stay out of my bullying
or I swear I will dox you,

swat you, and catfish you so hard,
you'll believe you're in love.

Oh-oh, that's enough.

Look, Kimberly, I'm happy you
found something you're good at,

but I understand
where Duncan's coming from.

When you take away
something somebody loves,

you take away their identity.

Do not turn their childish
fight into our childish fight.

Oh, gotta go.

Yangzi hooked the team up
with free hand massages

- at the mall kiosk.
- Wha...

I love free hand massages
at the mall kiosk.

Ooh, that sounds nice.
Bye, Kimberly.

Have fun with Dunkie's friends.

- Whose side are you on?
- I'm not on anybody's side.

I'm trying to support
Kimberly, console you,

and make your father get his
toys out of the garage!

Do these look like toys to you?!

Stop acting like a child,
and go do your chore!

Please do not emasculate me
in front of my kids.

Emasculated dads.
That's it!

- What does masculated mean?
- It means...

- strong.
- Hmm.

After a full day of cooking,
cleaning, and kids,

I'm just not in the mood.

Doesn't mean I don't love her.
I'm just...

Tired.

I come bearing
soy lattes and a proposal.

Easy, Jensen.

Let him smell you first.

Ahh.

- Go on.
- I want to join your team.

I want to be
a Stay at Gnome Dad.

Okay, do you have a kid?

None that I know of.

Okay, look.
I can help you win.

I know their strategy.

Your sister doesn't have a strategy.
She's just a k*lling machine.

We need something
to throw her off her game,

- get in her head.
- Yeah, we need something to whack her

in her emotional knee cap
with an emotional tire iron.

- Can you do that, Duncan?
- With pleazh.

Gotta find something

to humiliate Kimberly
at the tournament,

then I can stop
talking to myself.

Whoa...

Is that an evil laugh?

- What? No.
- Hmm.

Okay.

Welcome,
video game lovers, or vlovers.

We're streaming live
at the big tournament.

This is Tim from
"Game Time with Tim."

I'm Tim, and it's game time!

They started from the bottom.
Now they're here.

Team
You've Got Chainmail!

I like the way this feels on my skin.

- Aren't you wearing a shirt under that?
- Hell no.

Now give it up for
Stay at Gnome Dads!

That one
doesn't look like a dad.

- What does a dad look like?
- Wait a minute.

I'd know that pre-scoliosis
hunch anywhere.

Hello, losers.
Ready to lose?

- Oh, my God. Bex, are you naked?
- Hell yeah.

So after we k*ll Bex,
Yangzi, and Wolf,

I'll post this humiliating
photo on the big screen,

then while she's crying,
I'll k*ll her.

- Beautiful.
- Nice.

I love when kids cry.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this one is for all the marbles,

a $50 certificate to Dave & Buster's.

Players ready,
players set,

players...
capture the flag!

Victory or death!

And the Barbarian is dead.

- Avenge me!
- Sure.

You're doing it!
You're the best husband I've...

wait a minute.
This is my stuff.

Crap is crap, honey.
Come on.

This thing
was taking up a ton of room.

You mean my wedding dress?

You're married.
We get it.

Quit living in the past.
And what about this creepy doll?

My great grandmother made that.
It's a treasured family heirloom.

Plus, we've tried to throw it
away, and it keeps reappearing.

And these pants from high school?

My goal is to fit
back into them some day.

They're aspirational pants.

Like a glove.

Well, then, I'm gonna wear
my Slash top hat,

Stevie Nicks gypsy shawl,
and Bootsy Collins platforms.

Oh, where are you gonna wear those?

Lots of places.
Hardware store, church, to vote.

Okay, I cleaned out my junk.

Fuzzy Freddy?
You can't throw him away,

not after what
we went through to get him.

It was Christmas Eve, and he
was the last one on the shelf.

I grabbed it when suddenly this
guy tries to steal it from me.

So I jumped on his back,
shoved Play-Doh in his eyes...

Smush. Take it!
Eat it!

And Christmas morning,

you were the happiest
little girl in the world.

That's my favorite
Christmas memory.

- Mine, too.
- Well, now it's trash.

Bye, Freddy!

Wait! Memories are what
a family is all about.

We're gonna keep Fuzzy Freddy
and Slash's hat.

And this haunted doll.

It just winked at me.
You saw it, right?

We are gonna keep
all of our old memories,

and never stop making new ones.

Duncan, Kimberly, get out here
and do something memorable.

They're at
the video game tournament.

Making a memory without us?
Not on my watch.

Oh! Die already!

Both teams
have made it to the castle.

I got the dads covered.

Wolf, Yangzi, k*ll Duncan.

- Show your face.
- I don't see him anywhere.

That's because I'm wearing
my invisibility cloak.

Now you know what it feels like

to be stabbed in the back
through the stomach.

Prepare to die at the hands
of a 12-year-old girl.

Just another reason for your
wives to be ashamed of you.

Now it's just
down to Duncan and Kimberly.

I've never seen
anything like this

in the six-month history
of this sport.

Time for the photo, Duncan.

k*ll her reputation,
then k*ll her character.

- k*ll.
- Aww. His first word.

Any last words?

I've heard a picture
is worth a hundred of them.

What are you talking about?

I took a picture
of your closet, Mrs. Wolf.

- Please, don't!
- Why not?

You deserve to feel
the humiliation that I have.

- Hi, Dunker. Hi, Kimber.
- Hey, we're here.

Somebody, explain to me
what this game is.

Which one is Super Mario?

- Oops, oops, oops, sorry, sorry.
- Excuse me, excuse me.

- Coming through.
- Oops, sorry, coming...

Coming through.
Watch your toes.

I thought we agreed

- we don't invite them to things.
- I didn't say crap.

Hurry, Duncan.
Humiliate your sister.

- Okay.
- Stop, stop, stop!

This is how it ends.

Oh, come on, come on, come on.

I can't do it.

We've both
been embarrassed enough.

Someone has to end the cycle.

Oh, that's the boy
that Kimberly likes.

Oh, that's the hot dog I like.

- My life is over.
- Uh, actually, that's my shrine.

Uh, I fantasize about my sister
and my best friend making out,

and I make collages about it.
I ship 'em so hard.

It's disturbing as hell,

but I love
that he's interested in art.

So that thing's in our house?

That's so sick, Duncan.
You should be committed.

Putting me and Wolf together,

I mean, it's not that
far-fetched, but still sick.

Game's not over.
k*ll me like a psychopath.

And You've Got Chainmail wins.

The flag is theirs.
The glory is theirs.

The gift card is theirs.

This is Tim, and I have
no friends my own age.

Sorry for the way
we dumped you, Duncan.

But 50 bucks at Dave & Buster's,

- I mean, you get it, right?
- No, not really.

- Cool. We love you, man.
- Aww.

Good game.
Sorry your brother's a perv.

Yeah, I don't know
where he gets it from.

Aw, man.
I got mustard on my shawl.

Annie, hold my pretzel.
She passed out!

Duncan, Kimberly, help me get
your mother out of these pants.

Hmm.

You found your wedding tux.

You look amazing,
and so does our garage.

I just did a little tidying up.

- Where did all your stuff go?
- Do you care?

I guess I don't.
Mmm.

- You rock.
- Yes, I do.

She bought it!

Thanks for helping me
build that fake garage.

Yeah, I'm a pretty big HGTV head.

Love those Property Brothers.

So deal's a deal.
Give me my guillotine back.

Before I give it back,
can you cut my head off?

Ha. Suit yourself.

So how exactly does this trick...