01x03 - Undacuva Mutha

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

DUNCAN: [laughs]

- Ooh!
- [growls]

- KIMBERLY: Mommy!
- DUNCAN: Aaaaaaah!

- ANNIE: Duncan!
- JACK: Duncan!

ANNIE: Come on, move it.
What's taking you so long?

Toast, darn you.

You've got one job,
and you can't even do it.

Forget it.
You're too late.

- Is Mommy okay?
- She's fine.

- It's just that time of the month.
- Ew, gross.

The monthly shedding
of a woman's uterine wall

- is not gross.
- Sounds gross.

He means it's quota day.

You know,
the last day of the month

for me to write as many
parking tickets as possible?

- Plus I'm on my period.
- I'm done.

But, Mom, you said
ticket quotas were a myth.

They are, honey...
a myth that's real.

Making my quota is the only way
I'll get promoted

to moving violations
and then riot control

and someday detective.

These boots were made
for kicking down doors

without a warrant.
Hiyah!

Okay, I don't know
what time I'll be home,

so Dad's in charge.
Do whatever he says.

Jack, I left instructions
on the fridge.

- Do whatever I say.
- On it, my quota queen.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- A bulletproof vest?
- People really hate quota day.

[Annie grumbles]

The streets cry out for justice.

The meters cry out for quarters...

and often credit cards...

so let's show this town
why they hate us.

[all cheering]

[engines rumbling]

Morning, Detectives.

Serpowitz, J.T.,
Detective Wags.

- Who's that?
- Beats me.

[woofs]

[sighs]
Someday I'll drink at 9:00 a.m.

and wonder
how I became a dirty cop.

WOMAN [over radio]:
You're listening to Pipe Down

with Ron and Rob.

RON: Welcome back to Pipe Down.
I'm Ron.

ROB: And I'm Rob.

- Today's topic: Drano.
- [groans]

It's going to be the end of us.

RON: You said the same thing
about Liquid Plummer.

This is a big "pipe down"
for me.

Oh, Ron and Rob
just can't agree.

Ugh, please change the station.

Sure, these guys d*ed years ago.

- [pop music playing]
- [gasps] I love this song!

♪ My booty goes pop ♪

- Okay, we're here.
- Ugh.

JING: Yay, I love school!

No, Jing, school sucks.

Yeah, school sucks.

Well, you gotta go.
It's on the fridge.

Fridge sucks.

But you're always
telling us stories

about how you and your friends

skipped school
when you were a kid.

Those were simpler times,
Kimber.

Schools didn't have
automated systems

calling the house
when you ditched.

All they had was
a crotchety old principal

who would chase us
through the mall.

[chuckles] Screw you, Sanderson.

You used to be so cool, Dad.

I'm still cool.

[turn signal clicking]

Now a little toot-toot
to announce my presence.

[car horn toots]

Oh, I take it back, Dad.
You're a badass.

[both giggling]

That does it!
I'll show you who's cool.

Buckle up!
No, wait. Don't buckle up.

- KIMBERLY: Yes.
- JING: Yay!

Screw you, Sanderson!

[upbeat music]

What up, students?

ALL: What's up, Mr. Mitch?

Bad news, homies. You're not
here to see a magician.

- ALL: What?
- Aw!

That's the only reason
I came to school today.

But the school board
is making our budget disappear.

- That's clever.
- Dat boy a word magician.

The following programs
have been deemed expendable.

- Drama...
- Nooooooooo!

- Chess club...
- Nyet!

A cappella choir...

ALL [harmonizing]:
♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪

And Coach Walters will now be
your school nurse.

I don't do girl problems!

[cell phones buzzing
and chiming]

[Duncan gasps]

Hey, check it out.
New Air Jordan sneaker drop.

[all cheering]

New Air Js
will totally change my life.

ALL [chanting]:
Duncan, Duncan, Duncan!

[grunting]

- [grunts triumphantly]
- [crowd cheering]

- [lively music]
- [grunting]

To the pop-up!

Come on, Yangzi,
I said "to the pop-up."

Tee-hee-hee.
I'm an influencer.

I don't wait in line
with drooling brain-dead teens.

No offense.

Uh, it's cool.

Bam, boom, katoosh!

I love this game.

[gasps]

Oh, Annie, you lucky duck.

- [screaming]
- [g*ns blasting]

[meter buzzes]

- [g*ns clicking]
- Hmm?

[gasps] Hi.

Not today, meter cheater!

[panting]

- [grunting]
- [tires screeching]

[grunts]

[grunting]

[dramatic music]

- Ha, b*at you!
- Oh, yeah?

- Check behind your ear.
- What the...

- Thanks for playin'.
- Hey, those are my sunglasses.

Yes.

Can't believe I'm gonna own
a new pair of Air Js.

I worked my ass off
for this money,

but it's worth it.

JACK: Hey, Dunker, it's Dad.

The day you were born
was the best day...

My mom's boyfriend
left his wallet

on the kitchen counter... idiot.

My grandma pays me to read my
dead grandpa's letters to her.

They're devastating.

MAN: Okay, 114, 115, 116,
get your cash out.

Yeah,
we're the greatest generation!

[upbeat music]

What a fun day.

I lost $300 in business,
but it was worth it.

It was so fun
hanging out with you

at the mall during school hours.

I didn't have to worry
about the popular girls

knowing I have a father.

And I got candy.

Good-bye, gummy giraffe.
[chomps]

Good-bye, gummy shark.
[chomps]

Good-bye, gummy... vitamin C?
Yuck.

MAN: Sorry, honey, I can't make
our anniversary dinner.

I'm really sick.
[gulps]

I'm cured, and I want a divorce!

Thanks for buying me
this book, Dad.

You know how much
I love to read.

And you're totally rocking
that shirt.

The lady at the store said
it's designed by Jimmy Buffett.

A parrot golfing?
[chuckles]

What a mind.

I'm hungry.
What's for dinner?

Something fun?

Let's see what Mom left us.

Green beans, spinach casserole,
and low-sodium Tofurky.

Such an uncool meal.

- Yay!
- Yes!

How dare you cancel
our anniversary dinner?

Now what am I supposed to eat?

Divorce granted.

Okay, everybody grab something
and throw it in this bowl.

- Frankfurters.
- Bologna.

- Various cheeses.
- Jalapeños.

You know me.
I'm going spaghetti.

♪ Stir it up, little darlin' ♪

♪ Stir it up ♪

♪ Cook it up, little darlin' ♪

♪ Cook it up ♪
[microwave dings]

I present to you Francheezy!

[both chanting]
Francheezy! Francheezy!

[all gobbling]

I'm not just saying this
to get things

out of you anymore,
but you're pretty cool.

- Cool Daddy.
- Thank you, Francheezy. Mmm.

- [bees buzzing]
- [all grunting]

Before these shoes,

we could never agitate
these bees.

[buzzing] _

Hey, Yangzi, notice anything
different about us? [laughs]

- Yeah, your shoes are fake.
- What are you talking about?

The stitching is crooked,
the shade is off,

the soles are misshapen,

there's a pilgrim buckle
across the top,

and that ain't Michael Jordan.

It is impish man-boy
James Corden.

Ugh, I can't believe
we didn't notice

- those five obvious things.
- Oh, Air Cordens?

[grunts]

- [bees buzzing aggressively]
- [all shouting]

[buzzing] _

[engine rumbling]

Hmm.

Over 18 inches from the curb,
no plates,

parked the wrong way?

Oh, Annie, you are
the luckiest of ducks.

[gasps]
What in Hickory Hill?

A dead body...
my first crime scene!

This is my sh*t
at finally making detective.

I'm gonna ask you
one last time...

- gum?
- No, thanks, I'm diabetic.

You son of a bitch!
Admit it!

You k*lled him, and you put him
in the trunk of your car.

It wasn't me!
I swear!

- I didn't k*ll any fat guy.
- I never said it was a fat guy.

Take him to the electric chair
and hang him!

Lady, you are
a hell of a detective.

Aren't you dead yet?

- Hmm.
- [siren whoops]

All right,
we'll take it from here.

But I found the body.
I'm the lead on this.

We gotta dust for prints,
collect fibers,

get hollered at by a captain
who's been pressured

by the mayor because
it's an election year.

Sorry, your jurisdiction ends
at the windshield, meter maid.

[laughter]

[snickering]

[somber music]

[indistinct police radio chatter]

Oh.

This is... so un... fair!

What those detectives
did to you stinks, honey,

but the important thing is,
you made your quota,

and the girls definitely
went to school yesterday.

Quota shmota.

That dead body
was the greatest thing

that has ever happened to me.

Now every time I see a corpse,
I'm just gonna feel bad.

DUNCAN: I had a bad day too.
The school's out of cash,

that pop-up
sold us all fake sneakers,

and I got stung by a bunch of
bees for absolutely no reason.

Fake sneakers?
Have you told the police?

No, I'm no snitch.

Good, the cops
will just steal your dream

and call you a meter maid.

We have to fight back, Dunkie.

No way!
I've got important work to do.

Oh, yeah.

[chuckles] Nice.

Oh, this is brilliant.

You and I will go undercover,
bust that fake shoe ring,

and prove to those detectives
that I am every inch

the d*ck that they are.

Just let it go, Mom.

Somebody's gotta be the victim.
I say why not us?

Night-night.
[snores]

Come on, Duncan, you and I
are Tango and Cash-ing it.

[grunts]

And, Jack,
you're Mr. Mom-ing it again.

Don't worry.
Cool Dad's got this.

Hey, there's my breakfast club.
Francheezy dance!

[humming]

- [groans]
- My tummy feels angry.

You poisoned us
with your stupid Francheezy.

It can't be the Francheezy.

I ate twice as much as you,
and I feel...

Is it hot in here?

[stomachs rumbling]

ANNIE: Step one: we go back
to the scene of the crime

posing as ordinary customers
looking to buy shoes.

When they sell us fakes...
blammo...

- I blow their heads off...
- What?

With the news
that they're under arrest,

and I get promoted to detective.

Now, do you wanna do this
or not?

I already said
I don't wanna do this.

Here we go.
Follow my lead.

Don't say anything stupid.

Hello, I'm silent movie star
Lolita St. Clair,

and this is my 6'8"
NBA all-star paramour,

- Harold Hoops.
- Oh, my God.

Bring us your finest
Air Jordans.

Douglas Fairbanks has a pair,
and he says they're 22 skidoo.

The sneaker pop-up closed yesterday.

We're now
a St. Paddy's Day pop-up.

Sorry, forgot
to turn on the lights.

[sprightly Irish music playing]

Well,
we did everything we could.

- See you around, Mom.
- No.

Somebody in this neighborhood
must have seen something.

Hmm.
Hmm?

Hmm.
Hello.

But whose camera is it?

Hmm.

[gasps]

A strip club?

Yeah, Mom, come on!

[dance music playing]

- You 21?
- Of course.

I'm NBA all-star Harold Hoops,

and this is
some old, dead movie star.

That's the spirit, Dunkie.

Huh?

♪ ♪

Hey.

Hey, Mom,
can I borrow $100 for school?

Don't be fooled, Duncan.

These girls
are not in love with you,

so get that out of your head
right now.

They're working women
just like your mom.

I'm naked, you lucky duck!

♪ ♪

Hmm.
Hmm.

[gasps]

[tape squealing]

Okay, here we go.
There you are.

Huh, wha... your posture
is so terrible.

I paid all that money
for a back brace.

You're not even wearing it.

It makes my back straight
and uncomfortable.

Ooh, a white van:
the chariot of creeps.

Duncan, you know computers.
Zoom in!

[fingers squeaking]

Ugh!

Of course, the docks.

Come on, Duncan,
it's stakeout time.

Duncan?

No, no, the work
you're doing here

is so important, you know?

The country's so divided.

Okay, thank you
for your service,

and God bless America.

- JING: Ugh.
- JACK: Who needs the Pepto?

Me.
[gulping]

[burps]

I think I speak for everyone
when I say

there's nothing cool
about this moment,

but do you remember
how much fun yesterday was?

Totally worth it, right guys?

We're dying, Daddy.

Why didn't you just take us
to school?

I think the worst is over.

[stomach rumbles]

Nope, just the eye of the storm.

I'm gonna be sick again.

Let's see here.

There's three of us
and only two bathrooms,

- so bye!
- [girls shriek]

[grunting]

- Out of my way...
- Oh, no, you don't.

- [grunting]
- Ow, my tail!

- JACK: Ugh, no, no...
- KIMBERLY: Made it.

- JACK: Hey!
- JING: Oh.

KIMBERLY: Didn't make it.

Mine!

You're too young
to remember this.

- Oh, God, I hate myself.
- JING: Daddy!

[suspenseful music]

ANNIE: Ah, the docks.

All the worst crimes
in the world happen here.

♪ ♪

Elephant tusks!
Get your elephant tusks!

Serve no purpose at all
elephant tusks!

I'll take three.

Should we report that
to somebody?

No time. We have one
goal... make me a detective.

I thought we were trying
to get my money back.

Shh, there's
the sneaker guy's van.

- Now we wait till he returns.
- Ugh, how long?

As long as it takes.

Every good detective
needs patience.

Hmm.
[groans]

- [horn honking]
- Ugh, come on, come on, come on!

Come on, come on!
Crime, where are you?

Hey, lady,
it's after 10:00 p. m.!

Some people.

[water splashes]

Okay, kids, Amazon app is open,

and it's time for me
to buy your love.

Fill the cart
with whatever you want.

I'm too weak to point.

Whoa, a Barbie Dreamhouse.

Does it have three bathrooms?

Come on.
I wanna be cool again!

Sorry, neither you
nor your actions are cool.

Ooh, a copper mug,
perfect for Moscow mules.

That's right.
I'll let you drink!

- KIMBERLY: Stop!
- JING: No!

♪ ♪

So, Dunkie, what are your
favorite dr*gs these days?

Mom, stop caring
about my well-being!

What?
I'm just making conversation.

An amateur police stakeout
is a good time to talk.

Don't think of us as mother
and son. We're partners.

- Okay, can I ask you something?
- Absolutely, partner.

How come you don't kiss Dad
on the mouth anymore?

What?
Uh... okay.

E-Every marriage
has ebbs and flows.

Um, right now, your father
and I are in a bit of a...

- [engine turning over]
- Oh, thank God, crime.

[engine rumbling]

[engine revving]

Ugh, damn docks!

[sighs]
Maybe you're right, Duncan.

Having dreams just sets you up
for disappointment.

Aw, Mom,
such a great way to put it.

Cheap, lady car tires for sale!

- Get your cheap, lady car tires!
- Four, please.

[all groaning softly]

You know what might
make this cereal fun?

- We add a little...
- BOTH: No.

- I was gonna say milk.
- Dry is fine.

- KIMBERLY: Mom!
- JING: Mommy!

Dad tried to k*ll us.

Do you have a hookup
at Child Services?

I just made a fun dinner, and
every ingredient was expired,

so they got a little tummy ache.

Daddy locked me
out of the bathroom,

and I pooped in the hallway!

She's kidding!
Do not go in the hallway.

Oh, what does it matter?
Poop wherever you want.

[sighs]

[groans]

Oh, you're throwing out
your detective novels

and your detective DVDs,
but you haven't told me

how it went being a detective.

The dream is over, Jack.
I don't deserve to be a detective.

I don't deserve to be
in law enforcement at all.

Finally, now I can get back
to my passion!

Okay, where was I?

Come on, let's all trudge
sadly up to bed.

You heard me.
Trudge.

- [all grumbling]
- JACK: This is so unfair.

[all whimpering, grumbling]

- Hmm. Mm?
- [engine rumbling]

[gasps] Ooh!

Oh.

Go to her, Duncan.
I'll always be here.

W... Mom, wait.
The van just went by.

That's nice.
Good night.

No, I'm not gonna let you
give up on your stupid dream.

Now, get in the car, and
let's be dicks... partner.

[sizzling]

Ow!
Here you go.

Oh, Dunkie, thanks
for believing in me.

- Let's roll!
- KIMBERLY: Wait for us.

Ah-ah, you can't
come with us, girls.

This is dangerous
police business.

Not as dangerous as leaving
us with...[softly] Dad.

This is not a safe space.

Yeah, they're not wrong.
Please take us.

- Yes!
- Okay, you drive!

[exciting music]

♪ ♪

ANNIE: Don't lose 'em, Jack.

They'll take us to the kingpin!

♪ ♪

- [tires screeching]
- [all shouting]

Sorry for your loss!

- Cut through there!
- JACK: Whoa!

[all shouting]

[both gasp]

ALL: Whoa!

- [Jing giggling]
- Why isn't she in her car seat?

[giggles] You are so cool!

[ding]

[all shouting]

[buzzing]

[suspenseful music]

[engine rumbling]

- What the hell is this place?
- It's your school, dumbass.

Come on, let's go bust
this sole-less shoe ring.

Really nice pun, honey.

- Thanks. Nice driving.
- JACK: Mwah.

- Gross.
- No, it's good. They're flowing now.

[all panting]

Yeah, that'll work.

[exciting music]

Hmm?

[metallic scraping]

- Stand back. I'm kicking it in.
- It's unlocked.

Don't care.
Help Mommy, kids.

- [Kimberly and Duncan shout]
- Freeze!

- DUNCAN: What the... Mr. Mitch?
- What up?

Wait, y-you're behind
the bogus shoe drop?

- You stole money from the kids?
- Not from the kids.

- For the kids.
- I don't follow.

A kilo of...
theater tickets?

These are to Hamilton.

The New York Times
called it a hip-hopera.

With the school cutting funds,

I figured kids would
waste money on stuff like

sneakers and video games
but not on education.

That's where the lotto money's
supposed to go.

Yeah, right.

Anyway, I want the students
to be exposed to culture

so maybe they'd get inspired

and wanna blow
this dead-end town someday.

Yeah, I wasted
my whole life here.

So I worked out this plan
with a friend.

Coach Walters?

What are all these girls
doin' here?

Who's at home cooking?

I appreciate your concern
for the kids, Mr. Mitch,

but you're still guilty
of sneaker fraud

- and being friends with a misogynist.
- Yeah...

But, Mom, he did it
for his dream,

a school where all the kids
are super-culturated.

[groans]
Why do I even bother?

You're not innocent either, Mom.

- You took me to a strip club.
- What?

I was supposed to take
Duncan to his first strip club!

Hmm, well... I guess part
of being a good detective

is looking the other way
when someone commits a crime

that benefits your children.

- Just don't do it again.
- You have my word,

- Duncan's Mom.
- [cell phone chimes]

What... $50 Nintendo drop?

- I need my birthday money early.
- No!

- Here you go.
- Already touched it! That's the rules.

It's mine now.
To the pop-up!

Hello, Dolly!
is comin' to town.

[Duncan laughing]

You gotta stop fronting
him birthday money.

Happy 36th birthday, son!

So what'd you think?
Life-changing, right?

It was... fine.

[sighs] Sneakers
would have been better.

And why was Hamilton
played by Drew Carey?

- It's a touring company.
- I'll say.

Duncan, you look like
you enjoyed the show.

Well, yeah.
I had my best friend with me.

Diggin' the beard, Beardy Billy.

Digging yours as well, Mr. Mitch.

Man, Hamilton
scrambled my brain.

BEARDY BILLY:
Duncan, if I asked,

- would you k*ll for me?
- Oh, crap!

I gave you evil eyebrows!

BEARDY BILLY:
Nooooo!