01x11 - Classless President

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪

Ooh!

- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!

- Duncan!
- Duncan!

Mommy, I made you
an ashtray in school today.

- Oh, it's lovely, but I don't smoke.
- Can you?

My marshmallow cereal!

That is my
Sunday morning treat.

Back off! Raisins are
your candy, old man.

I signed up for a school
fundraiser

and I have to sell
$800 worth of cookies.

Dad, can I have $800?

I don't have that kind of money.

I just gotta run
to the ATM, princess.

- Jack, no.
- Please?

The top four cookie sellers
get a free ticket

to Fun Place Amusement Park.

The ABC girls are always
the top three.

Ashleigh, Brooke, and Courtney?
They're the mean girls!

Honey, it's mostly Ashleigh.

Brooke and Courtney
just follow along.

Kimberly, why don't I just
buy you a ticket to Fun Place?

Let's see... $60?
What is this, Fun Place Orlando?

Why are you trying to ruin my life?

Don't you understand?
You buy all my cookies,

I get to spend the day
with the ABCs,

and they'll finally see
how effortlessly cool I am!

Effortless!

Oh, no. Our house is
full of fundraising stuff

you kids didn't sell
that we ended up having to buy.

Magazines, wrapping paper,
and those relentless parakeets.

- Oh, shut up!
- You shut up!

Mommy, there's
a cookie truck outside.

Dreams do come true.

We are not accepting them.

Everyone be really quiet
and pretend we're not home.

Dunkie, shut off the lights.
Duncan?

Yes, I live here,
and yes, I accept these.

Where do I sign?

- Damn it, Duncan!
- Damn it, Duncan!

- I'm gonna k*ll those birds!
- Bring it.

Yo, check out what this dude and
Flo Rida taught his bears to do.

This is the hottest trash
on YouTube.

- Oh, wow.
- Yeah!

Floss it, bear! Floss it!

Huh, look, I'm doing it!

I'm still the only one running
for student body president?

No, that pointy dude is running.

That's the food pyramid.

You basically already won,
'cause the food pyramid sucks.

- That isn't a person.
- Are you sure?

'Cause I think he's
in my history class.

Besides, I don't wanna win just
because no one else is running.

The point of democracy
is choice.

I'd run, but I'm not
officially enrolled.

Why don't you run
against me, Duncan?

You could be the white guy
I make history against.

I don't know.
Politics isn't my thing.

My passion is putting
Dorito bags in the microwave

so that they shrink
into tiny Dorito bags.

- That sounds toxic.
- I know, right?

Come on, debate me tomorrow.
It'll be fun, just you and me.

Just you and me...

Hi, I'm a struggling
small business owner

without any healthcare,

and I'd like to see
the candidates make out.

- Ooh, with pleash.
- Oh, my.

Democracy rules!

All right, I'll date you.
I mean, debate you.

Enough politics.
Put those bears back on!

Okay, I marked my wagon
where it was scratched

just so there's no
misunderstandings.

Sign here and here,
and initial here

- to decline insurance.
- Ugh.

Can't read cursive,
so I'm just gonna trust you.

Don't make me go sell these.

Just fake a home invasion and
claim them on your insurance.

I'll even p*stol whip you, Dad.

You'll be great, sweetie.
Just say hello,

make a little
friendly small talk,

and don't you dare come home

until you've sold every
single crumb. And smile!

No teeth.

- Uh, don't knock on that door.
- Aren't you Ashleigh's dad?

Please let me have this.
She's watching.

Ugh, hurry up! We've been
doing this a half hour,

and you've only sold 100 boxes!

- Hi.
- Are you selling your own cookies?

Ew. Did you parents die?

- Ew!
- Would you like me more if they did?

Sorry, honey.
They had a nut allergy.

You're a doctor.
Tell them they don't.

They're so
horrible to their parents.

I could do that.

- Oh my God, was that scratch there?
- Nope.

Relax, Duncan.
If you don't know the answer

to something, just say pass.
Understand?

- Pass.
- There you go.

Why do you wanna
be president so bad?

Isn't it enough just to be
pretty and cute and good-looking?

Don't you wanna
improve the school

and the lives of your
fellow students?

Nah. No one in this
school even knows who I am.

Half the kids think
my name is Steve.

What up, students?

You all think you're here
for a Childish Gambino concert.

But that's just how I got you in
the auditorium for class elections.

Boo!

Here are your candidates
for Student Body President:

Duncan Harris and Mia Abara.

Pay attention, y'all.

This is the most important
decision of your lives,

because one of these two will
be picking your prom theme.

That's what aged our
last president so horribly.

Next week I get my
learner's permit.

We'll start with opening
statements. Hit us, Mia.

Hi, everybody.
I won't bore you

with my qualifications
from my old school,

where I was class president,
secretary,

co-chair student council,
RA, TA, obviously honor roll,

reluctant cheerleader,
and ambassador

- to our sister school in Brussels.
- And your time's up.

- Duncan?
- Pass.

Mia, what's your idea
for a prom theme?

Honestly, I think prom
is kind of an antiquated

concept for our generation,
so get this.

I'm thinking we could have
a day of service where we

put on overalls
and clean up that river!

Then we head over
to the soup kitchen, and...

I yield my time.

Yeah, I have a question for Steve.

- His name is Duncan.
- No, it's Steve.

Steve, what are you gonna do
about our crappy school lunches?

I don't know, what do you
guys want for lunch?

- Soda!
- Sheet cake!

Okay, sure, whatever you want.

- We don't wanna take gym anymore!
- Okay, no more gym.

You can't just eliminate
programs because people...

I don't like having
to be here at 8:00 a.m.

I miss the last three hours
of the "Today Show"!

- And that's when it gets cooking!
- Yangzi. Capricorn.

The computer lab
is always packed

with nerds doing homework.
Computers are for games

and online gambling and finding
hot singles in your area!

- You want full access to the dark web?
- You got it.

Duncan, what are you saying?

I don't know, but they like it.

You try something.
It's a hot crowd.

Everybody talks
about the SATs,

but what about the ACTs?
Who's with me, huh?

All right,
thanks for that rousing debate.

As you know, we vote
"Showtime at the Apollo" style.

Holler for Duncan.

Now for my girl Mia.

I live next to that smelly river.

Then give it up for your
new student body president,

Duncan Harris!

Duncan, Duncan, Duncan!

Duncan, Duncan, Duncan!

- They know my name!
- Power is so intoxicating.

- You forgot your lunch, Tyler.
- Mom, you're embarrassing me.

Student body president?
You?

- You?
- You?

- You?
- This can't be real.

I'm gonna text Yangzi
and find out.

- "U up?"
- Mom, don't write that.

What?
He might be taking a nap.

"Is D the prez?
Hit me back."

Let's see.

Thumbs up, eggplant,
"Sorry," American flag.

That's a yes!
Duncan, congratulations.

I always believed in you.

My son, the president?
I'm posting this on Facebook.

I'll finally impress
my distant r*cist cousins.

You have cousins?
I wanna meet them.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Gotta sucker Mom and Dad
into selling these cookies.

What's the saddest thing
I can think of?

Me not getting what I want.

That's it.

Hey, there's our
little business tycoon.

Come join us in a celebratory
bag of rotisserie chicken.

I don't deserve bagged chicken.

I went to every house in town

and didn't sell
a single box of cookies.

The only reason
I wanted to be popular

was to make you guys proud.

I let you down,
and I am so sorry.

I'm gonna go to my room and hold my
breath till I fall asleep.

More bag juice for me.

Oh, poor Kimberly,
so down on herself.

I can deal with her
relentless anger,

but her sadness is unbearable.

And I have never seen her
say no to chicken juice.

And she didn't roll her eyes
at me even though my pants

were unzipped the entire time
we were talking.

Maybe Operation Screw Our
Damn Daughter was too harsh.

That's what we were calling it?

Maybe it's time for Operation
Help Our Damn Daughter.

Yeah, sometimes you
gotta forget about

making your kid a better person

and just do what makes
them temporarily happy.

Tomorrow, we blanket the town
and we surprise Kimberly

by selling every box
of those cookies

so she can be friends
with those horrible mean girls.

Yes! I love it when we go
against our better judgment!

Great, now I'm so excited,

I'll have to hold my breath
to go to sleep.

Love you.

Hey, Duncan.
Wow, that election was nuts.

All those crazy promises.

Yeah. Clean up the river?

What were you thinking?

Listen, I know you said
politics wasn't your thing,

and I'm sorry
I dragged you into it.

So I've prepared
a resignation letter for you

that will let you quit with dignity.
You just have to sign it.

Sorry Mia,
but the people have spoken.

Today is the beginning
of a new era in education.

Install the nacho bar!

So long, lettuce!

Your gassy reign of terror
is over!

Science guys say that
the human body is 60% water.

I say that's too much!

You're really doing this?

- He's no longer the man you knew.
- Hmm.

Mr. Wolf, cut down that rope.

You chafed my calves!

You're the only reason
I don't have a girlfriend!

Your gassy reign of terror
is over, rope!

Bex, I really think you
should see a doctor.

- Duncan Harris.
- Mia, you're just in time.

We're kicking this rope's ass.

I just went to Model UN,

and the room's filled
with colored balls.

It's a freaking ball pit.

Yeah, I came up with that
idea when I was in a ball pit.

Ever since I was six, I knew
I was gonna be valedictorian,

go into prelaw, then law,
then do some poorly paid

legal charity work, become
president of the United States,

all culminating in me releasing
my summer playlist on Spotify.

The point is, none of this
will be possible

- because you're ruining my plans!
- You seem tense, Mia.

You should take a soak
in the ball pit.

I thought you had
a crush on me.

I do, but the school
has a crush on me!

This is the best spot
in town to harass people.

You get them while
their food's going bad

and they just wanna
get to their car.

Excuse me, this is our spot
to harass people.

Back off, the planet
will be here tomorrow!

Our daughter is hurting today.

Understood.
We'll take two boxes.

I'm sorry, little guys. You
came all this way for nothing.

And so, the penguins began
their long journey home.

Facing certain death,
but relieved that Kimberly

was one step closer
to being friends

with Ashleigh, Brooke,
and, of course, Courtney.

You know what goes well
with milk?

Cookies!

You know what goes well
with goggles

and a suspicious amount
of Sudafed?

Macaroons? If it's macaroons,
you gotta tell me.

It's macaroons!

Awesome!
Do you accept copper wire?

You betcha.

♪ I'm a chocolate
chip cookie ♪

♪ Eat me, eat me ♪

♪ Dunk me in a glass of milk,
I'm yummy in your tummy ♪

Yeah!
Whoo!

- Hey, that was a personal best.
- Where are all the other teachers?

Duncan told them the basement
was an escape room.

I haven't seen them since.

There's nothing in here.
Oh, wait.

How about this dead rat?
Is that something?

Did you know that the only
way to check out anything

from the library is to win
a "John Wick" style book fight?

Yeah, how do you think
I got The Barefoot Contessa's

"Cooking for Jeffrey"?
I want what they have.

It's crazy the school
charter gives Duncan

the power to do this stuff.

The school charter was
created during World w*r II.

Since all the men were
overseas and the women

were busy with their
all-girl baseball league,

the school gave wartime
powers to teenagers.

Why didn't they take it back
when the w*r was over?

That's a story for another day.

Ugh.

45 minutes of prep time?
Screw that.

We sold every box
of Kimberly's cookies for her.

Even the terrible
gluten-free ones.

So, I went on and on about
how I couldn't sell the cookies

and I even told them that I
just wanted to make them proud.

And they totally fell for it.

It was so hard to keep
a straight face

because my dad's pants
were unzipped the entire time.

And now they've sold
all my cookies for me.

Suckers.

All right, I should go.
Call me back when you get this.

Siri, play danceable
female empowerment anthem.

♪ You blew me off and now
your house is on fire ♪

She played us!
We have to teach her a lesson.

Yeah!
Let's burn her house down!

- It's time for Operation...
- Wait, I wanna name this one.

Operation, um, D...
Dumbo Drop?

Fine.
Commence Operation Dumbo Drop.

- Are you happy with yourself, Jack?
- No, no, no. It works.

She's being a Dumbo,
and we've got to, uh,

we've got to drop her.

You are crushing it
as school prez, Duncan.

- Yeah, nacho bar's a hit.
- And the John Wick fights

got kids going
to the library again.

- Oof! "Two Towers"?
- I wanted "Return of the King"!

Duncan, you've made this
the best school ever.

- Thanks.
- Is what we were saying yesterday.

But you know what would
make it even better?

If BTS were our janitors.

- I guess I can ask.
- And the school needs a pool.

We already have a pool.

Uh, not on the roof
with robots that serve us.

- Huh?
- And we don't wanna see

any parts or gears, either.
Make them look real.

But not so real
I fall in love with them.

Make us all quarterback
of the football team!

- Give me money!
- Make Caitlin go to prom with me!

Make Tommy stop
asking me to prom!

Change the name of
the school to Yangzi U.

Heavy is the head that
wears the...

Wears the what?
Wears the what?

Mia, I need your help.

I made a huge mistake giving
everyone whatever they want.

Tell me what to do, and I'll
give you whatever you want.

- Well...
- Don't say, "Well, well, well."

I don't have time.

I can't keep up
with these promises I made.

I just told a kid I'd find
his biological father.

Any luck yet?
No rush. Please hurry.

This was inevitable, Duncan.
You gotta make a choice:

continue desperately craving
popularity and ruin the school,

or do what's right...
step down and let a natural

leader with girl-next-door
appeal clean up your mess.

You're right.
I'm gonna step down.

Anything?

- Good afternoon.
- This is Duncan Harris.

This presidency has been
the most fulfilling two days

of my life, and I've enjoyed
trying to make you all happy.

But after much soul searching,
I would like to announce

that effective noon tomorrow,
I will be...

cementing my popularity forever
with my greatest achievement,

a personal appearance
by the Flossing Bears!

- What was that?
- Come on, look at them!

Good morning, middle daughter.

Don't forget to hand
in all that cookie cash

so you get to hang
with the cool girls.

Thanks, Dad.
And once again,

- I'm really sorry I let you down.
- I'm sure you are.

- Mm-hmm.
- Hmm.

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Uh-oh, Kimberly,
your cellular phone is ringing.

At this hour?
Must be important.

Better put it on speaker.

- Hey, who dis?
- Kimberly Harris,

this is Special Agent
Linda Gunns, from the FBI.

- FBI?
- Oh, God, what did you do?

Those cookies you've been selling?
They're poison.

P-p-p-p-poison?

If we don't get them all back,
we'll be forced to arrest you,

take away your cell phone,

and post a mug sh*t
of your worst side.

Nooo!

I just woke up
and did this laundry.

Any big phone calls?

Where have you been, woman?
Get in the car.

We're sneaky!

Uh...

Um...

Ohh.

I don't understand
this business anymore!

And so Kimberly successfully
rounded up all the cookies...

except for one.
Tee-hee.

Aw, nuts.

- Oh man, look at these furry dudes.
- I'm starstruck.

Is it okay if we get a selfie
with these fools real quick?

Sure, why not?
They love people.

That's what's up.

Thank you.
I'ma tag you.

Who's ready for three minutes
and 27 seconds of bear dancing?

- Whoo!
- You got it!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- Whoo!
- Stop flossing!

This ends now.

I know stuff like dancing bears
and nacho bars are fun today,

but it comes with a cost.

If we don't stop Duncan,

we won't be able to afford
all the things that make

high school
the nightmarish four years

that we'll later
look back on fondly.

Are you ready to say
goodbye to football?

Marching band?

Your antiquated prom?

And whatever Key Club is?

I don't wanna live in
a world without Key Club.

Okay, time's up.
Pay me $500.

We have a Bar Mitzvah across town.

Uh, yeah.
I don't have the money.

I had to give it all to BTS.

I didn't know there
were so many of them.

But if the bears don't get
paid, they don't get salmon,

and if the bears
don't get salmon...

If the bears don't get salmon, what?
You didn't finish your thought.

Ugh, it's the "Today Show"
all over again!

Oh, I saw that one. They
won't stop till we're dead.

Okay, so now we take
all the cookies to the FBI,

clear my name,
and I can keep my phone, right?

Nope, we're going to your
school to give back

the cookies, you'll admit
you didn't really sell any,

you broke your father's heart,

and you don't deserve to hang
out with the cool girls.

But Special Agent
Linda Gunns said that...

Those cookies were poison?

You lied to me?
You're terrible parents!

- Mommy was Linda Gunns.
- I am not a terrible parent.

- I always look out for my kid...
- Jack, look out!

What are you
two doing running in the road?

Get in!

- What is going on?
- It's a long story.

- He ruined the school.
- Yeah, that's it.

- Oh, dear God!
- Yay, they like us!

It smells like honey in here.

Wait, the trunk is filled
with Honey Snap cookies.

- Pop the trunk, Jack!
- No!

Then I'll have to buy the cookies

and Kimberly won't
learn her lesson!

She broke my heart
and has to suffer!

Got it.
Mr. Harris, open the sunroof.

Mia, I know you're a bright
girl, but are you an idiot?

Trust her, Dad.
She's a natural leader.

- Aww.
- Aww, gorgeous animals.

Hey, you're not an idiot.
How'd you know that it'd work?

They just love to perform,
I choose to believe.

Sorry I destroyed the school
and almost ruined your chance

to be president and do
poorly paid charity work.

I wanna make things right.

You still got that
resignation letter?

Yup, and an apology note
that I wrote from you to me.

Which I accepted.

Come on, let's go get the
teachers out of the basement.

Uh, so, my crazy reign is over.

You can all go back
to your families.

Mr. Barrett, your wife had the baby.
Everyone's doing great.

Come on, Coach.
You can leave.

No, I'm figuring out
this escape room!

Oh my God,
it's not an escape room.

That's exactly what
an escape room would say!

All right, I just need
to put these clues together.

Dead rat, bucket, mop.
DRBM.

That's it!
Doctor BM!

There's a key in the toilet!

Wanna hit the nacho bar
one last time

- before I shut it down?
- Yeah, I could nach.

So Duncan and Mia
marched to the cafeteria,

where they enjoyed nachos,
cheese,

and, of course, jalapenos.