01x05 - Mommy Queerest

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Lake". Aired: June 17, 2022 - present.
Justin returns from abroad after a breakup, in the hope of reconnecting with the biological daughter that he gave up for adoption in his teens.
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01x05 - Mommy Queerest

Post by bunniefuu »



[JUSTIN] Coming!


Noise makers.

[ULRIKA] They make
wonderful nest mates, no?

Sven wets the bed and
Lars grinds his beak.

Not really the hard cocks
I want to wake up to.

Sven and Lars are hens.

Hey, Ulrika, thanks for
letting me sleep here.

Billie's going to let me back
in the cottage soon, probably.

You are welcome to stay
until the next full moon.

- Then I tend to get primordial.
- You mean primal?

No, when I take peyote, I regress fully.

Oh dear.

If you are going to stay,
you may earn your keep.

I need someone to put up the decorations

at the talent show tonight.

You're asking me to
decorate because I'm gay?

I'm asking you because
your family hates you.

So you've got free time.


You should take peyote with me.

It might help with your
intense self-hatred.

Heard it makes you shit yourself.

Well, I have extra buckets.


- I'm gonna go home now.
- Okay.



♪ And I pull myself up ♪

♪ From on these begging knees ♪

♪ And I keep wondering, babe ♪

♪ If it's love or some disease ♪

Sweet Bobby Burke.

It was a little bleak,
so we zhuzhed it up.

You guys didn't ask me to
help? I love decorating.

Gay, hello.

Ow! What the...

What is this...

gorgeous safety hazard doing here?

We found it on a hike yesterday.

Come on, we're late for Riley's.

Oh, you guys are going to Riley's?

Mm-hm. He's showing us

his next roadkill investigation series.

He's doing Miami this year.

Oh man, that's the best one.

Just digging the shiv right in.

Can't Justin come?

Ugh, Riley and Justin have herstory.

The "I Never Want to
See You Again kind."

Do you know what? It's fine.

I think it's going
to be fine. I'll come.

I'll just get changed.
The arts are under-funded.

Everybody deserves a second chance.

Oh, it's invite-only.

Okay. Yeah, I mean, I... I got you, sis.

Nope, sorry. "Paris Is
Burning," we steal everything.



Just... just give her more time.

Birth mama's got this, okay?

When are we going to get to hang out?

Soon. Soon.

Okay. Because you were
my best friend first.



I drank those.

- Me.
- [TEESA] Are we really going

to a roadkill exhibit?

I was just messing with Justin.

How long are you going to
keep him in the doghouse?

Well, he left me to rot

with a knockoff Gwyneth,
reeking of Herpes fish.

- So forever then.
- Mm-hm.

But it wouldn't hurt to just take

the higher plane on this, love.

Look, I know forgiveness
isn't cheap, but...

Yeah, and Justin's hella bankrupt.

Then I'll stay for as
long as forever takes.



Forgot how beautiful this place was.

[BILLIE] Yeah.

So will I get to meet

the boy you've been
drooling over all summer?

Yeah, maybe from feet,

Maisy says we can't hang anymore.

She thinks I bring out
the environmental t*rror1st

- in Killian.
- You can choose your crush,

but you can't choose
your crush's parents.

Come on.


Why does the light always
look so good on them?

God damn.


Oh, oh.

Hey, guys.

- Billie's out.
- Oh, Justin,

if she forgot our call,
that means Teesa arrived.

You guys knew Teesa was coming?

Well, she finished recording her album

and wanted to see Billie,

so we told her she was with you.

I mean, we texted, but, you know,

cell service in Cyprus...

- How's Teesa?

Oh, I mean... great.

You know, so great.
They're doing so great.

They're having a blast
together, decorating, hiking,

just taking in the local art scene.

So, we're working through
some feelings of jealousy.

She was my best friend first.

We felt the same when Teesa took Billie

- to see Beyoncé at Coachella.
- Oh, and Paris.

- Ugh!
- Man, just like... [SIGHS]

it just looks so easy for them.

Well, it is, you know,

Billie has been raised by two
emotionally healthy adults,

and Teesa is incredibly intuitive.

But you were emotionally
abandoned as a child,

so you leverage humour to mask
a deep sense of unworthiness.

I'm not feeling a whole lot better here.

Well, that could take
years of cognitive therapy.

Decades, even.

- [OLIVER] At least.
- Oh.

Okay, well, should we
maybe book another session?


Oh, shit, I think you're frozen.

I can see you moving.


[JERI] So if someone's
like hardcore drowning,

what do we do?

You save them.

Like all of us, or just
the person that saw them?

[TERI] Wait, what about sharks?

[KERI AND JERI] I don't know.


I'm not going in there!

[KERI] Well, you're the fastest swimmer.

[TERI] Well, you're the oldest.

- Is that your guy?
- [BILLIE] Mm-hm.

He's cute!

In a narcoleptic kind of way.

Ew, what?


Lord love a duck! Teesa!

- You're back!
- Teesa!

First Justin, then Billie.

The whole not-really-a-family's
back together.

Hey, are you going to
sing in the talent show?

Because I could do backup
vocals for you and Justin,

like last time.

It was back up maracas.

Right? Yes, yes, yes.
And I still got 'em, babe.

- So I... Teesa, I mean.
- [JAYNE] Yeah.

Anyway, oh, I got rhythm.

My vocal range has improved.

I'm pretty sure I'm
a velvet mahogany now.

So I mean, if you need any help
with those backing vocals...

Actually, Billie and I
will be performing together.

- [WAYNE] Oh.
- Yeah.

- We will?
- Uh huh.

Oh, we would love to
perform with our kids.

We have four perfect girls now,

but Waynikins and I
host the show every year.

I hope there are spots left.

The sign-up sheet
went up like weeks ago.

- We'll get you in.
- We better grab the last ones.

- [WAYNE] Yes!
- See you at the show.

- Yeah. Wow.
- Okay, bye.

Are we really singing?
Because the show's tonight

and that's like not
enough time to rehearse.

You don't need to. Trust me, honey.

Once you open your mouth on stage,

it'll be the last thing
anyone remembers, even Wayne.

- [JAYNE] Come on.
- [WAYNE] Babe, I love you.


Babe, babe! I'm out.

- I can't take it anymore.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You got to get back on the ice.

The deal was we trade off talent shows

so we don't m*rder
Opal. You can do this.

You dummied Terry "The
Mountain" McGuinness.

Yeah, yeah... yeah, I can do this.

[OPAL] Daddy, where's my coconut water?

No, I've been broken by a ten year old.

I'll make it up to you. Promise.


[TEESA] Nothing to worry about.

Yeah, no.

- [TEESA] Billie!
- [BILLIE] Mm-mm.


What a nice surprise.

Nice to see you too, Mimsie.

Oh, it's Maisy. Mimsie's my mother.

Oh, Mimsie, Maisy, whoopsie daisy.

Yeah, they kind of sound the same.

[TEESA] Yeah.

Oh, you're performing
in the talent show?

Yeah. With Billie.

She has so much more spare time
now that she can't see Killian.

Yeah, I know, that was
really hard on everyone.

But you know what?
Sometimes setting boundaries

really helps them make better choices.

Every parent has their own style.

My little Opal is performing, too.

He's doing a really cute dance number.

He's so independent,
practically emancipated.

Well, it was so nice
to see you M... Maisy.

- I'm losing fluids.
- Oh.

[OPAL] Who was that?

That is Teesa. That's
Billie's birth mom.

She's going to be performing
in the talent show with Billie.

I know you were hoping to
sweep this year, sweetie, but...

Save your sympathy for my runner-up.

Billie's no match for "Mulan Rouge."


That's my boy.

Hey! Hi!

Went all the way over to Riley's

but there wasn't anybody there.

Yeah, because we came here instead.

Okay, so I just paddled
across the lake for nothing.

That's cool.

Guess who signed us
up for the talent show?

Are you serious? The three
of us singing together.

We're going to be like the Supremes,

TLC, Destiny's Child...

Nope, totally sorry, "Paris Is
Burning," we steal everything.

Actually, just Teesa and
I are going to be singing.

We're gonna grab her
guitar and rehearse.

Okay, yeah, maybe I
can hang out backstage.

Watch you guys rehearse,

be your own personal stan club.

Aren't you helping
Ulrika with decorations?

Don't want to stand her up, too.

I know you're trying
to set a good example.

[WHISPERING] More time.

I set a good example. I do. I... I...

I taught her to paddle.

I did that. Me.


And one, two three, four
five, six, seven, turn.

Two, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, kick.

Two, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.

Slide, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, fan!

- Nice, great job, honey.
- Great?

I gave you sultry th century
Paris-Sui-dynasty realness.

I just have one tiny suggestion.

Oh, I don't tuck for rehearsals.

I think we should workshop
the choreo a little bit.

You know, bring out the
Disney. A little more Mulan,

a little less Rouge.

Why are you tone policing my art?

Because it's a little
spicy for a fifth grader.

You know, most th century
sex workers were d*ad by .

- So I'm already middle aged.
- Honey...

the talent show is really just
card tricks and dumb skits.

It's not erotic can-cans
from fifth graders.

Actually, drag's all ages now.

Thanks to RuPaul,
subverting gender roles

is wholesome family fun.

- Finally, someone who gets it.
- Why, thank you.

Do you want to maybe
do that somewhere else?

We're rehearsing.

No, I think Justin should stay

to get the community's perspective.


There is no bigger
ally than your mother.

Who watched "It's A
Sin" with you? Twice.

Um, I'm sorry,

I live to dance.

- He stays.
- To slay.


Now, shall we take it from the top?

Yes, all right, where do you need me?

- Sit there and be quiet.
- Okay.


Okay? Your turn.

No way am I following that.

Don't get in your head about this.

We sang this all the way
to Coachella and back.

That was just us! This is in front of

- an audience. Like tonight.
- That's why we're rehearsing.

Come on. The stage is
ours for another half hour.

That's not enough time.
And if I push too hard,

I could get vocal
nodes or lose my voice.

Do you really want to
silence me at a time when we,

as Black women should
be supporting each other?

Baby! You're going to be fine. Okay?

You got your tummy
mummy's singing genes.

Which means I've also got
Justin's screw-up genes.

Okay, why don't we see if there's space

in the boathouse to rehearse?

It'll be more private there...

Nuh-uh! Justin's in there.

Sorry, but you are insane

if you think I'm performing when my DNA

is % hysterical Muppet!

Like, I'm happy to be alive and all.

But seriously, how drunk
were you to sleep with Justin?

All right, sulky Sally.

That track's been skipping
long enough. Let's go.


- Go.
- We got a few minutes

while Opal's laminating his brows,

so I was thinking that it
should be maybe something

a little bit like smile,
turn, chassé, lick the fan.

Yeah, no. I was thinking more of like

a tidy pirouette instead
of all the pelvic grinding.

Mm-hm, mm-hm. Yeah. Just
lacks a whole lot of drama.

And instead of licking the fan,

we could do a cute little
shimmy, kick ball-change

and a Motown, Motown.

I mean, I'm just marking it.

No, you're just pandering.

I am mothering, excuse me.

There's a time and a place

for d*ck dominance through dance,

and ten years old is not it.

Oh, my God, this is just like that time

that you stopped my dad

from seeing my Spice
Girls tribute concert.

You stole my swimsuit
and covered it in glitter.

Because I was Ginger!

Dad wasn't ready for
a three hour lip sync,

and the lake is not
ready for Mulan Rouge.

A mash-up between
a cross-dressing

Chinese warrior and a dying
Parisian hooker is genius.

Sex worker, excuse me,

and consumption is a
horrible way to die.

You basically drown in your own blood.

I don't know what part

of f*ck-up-Maisy's-reno-plan
this is,

but my baby is talking pyrotechnics.

I need to manage his expectations.

Or you could try
believing in his vision.

If Opal showgirls
down the stairs, Maisy,

whatever, at least he goes
down dancing to his own b*at.

Just because you gave
up your kid doesn't mean

I have to give up on mine.


Sorry, Mom, but this isn't working out.

Justin and I can take it from here.


Oh, you can't f*re your own mother.

Yes, I can. You're
straightwashing my art.

Don't you come for me, Harvey Milk.

I gestated you for months, okay?

I'm the only one in this room

whose p*ssy's actually been on f*re.


Good luck when he asks
for a snow leopard.

[SCOFFS] Snow leopard. Lame.

I was actually thinking
like a dragon python.

How about like a trapeze entrance?

Like, whoosh from the
air. "There he is."

Dramatic. Jumps down.

I don't think our stage has
that kind of load capacity.

[BILLIE] What is it with
people trespassing on this lake?

This is your family cottage, remember?

- Now dig.
- Come again?

Dig. Here. Come on!


We buried this after you were born.

Justin found the adoption agency

and we picked your parents together.

He always supported my choice
to give you a better life,

even if neither of our parents did.

Justin's dad sent me that
letter before you were born.

Justin threw it away, but I saved it.

Derrick threatened to take
me to court to keep you.

Said I'd ruined Justin's life
and yours if I gave you up.

What a d*ck.

You can choose your crush,

but you can't choose
your crush's parents.

Justin never forgave
his dad for that letter.

I never thought I would,
either, but with time...

I realized Derrick was
scared of losing his son,

his granddaughter, his hair.

Yeah, sounds like a lot of
people wanted to keep me.

- We all loved you very...
- Except you.

Hey, I gave you away, but
I never gave up on you.

Neither did Justin.

Yeah, but you've
always been here for me.

Justin just ran away.

Hey, I checked out plenty of times too.

We were kids, Billie,

just trying to figure
out how to ride sidecar

to our baby's parents
without getting in the way.

You and me have had years to figure out

who we are to each other.

Justin's putting in overtime

just to make up for the time he missed.

Yeah, by making a mess of everything.

He gets better with practice.

He abandoned me for a threesome.

Didn't he get herpes?

No, I tried to give the lake herpes.

So maybe you need a little practice too.



♪ In the summer ♪

♪ Meet you on the corner streets ♪

♪ Sweat on your shoulders ♪

Thanks for saving our seat.

Those are for your brother, right?


Tell him you chose
them. He hates lilies.

You need to calm down, sweetie.

I can't.

If Opal loses, it's
Maria Callas on repeat

for the rest of the summer.


Can I talk to you for a minute?

Oh, sure.

Hi, I'm Teesa. I'm Billie's birth mom.

- Nice to meet you.
- Hey.

Good choice. Billie loves lilies.


Why are you stopping Billie

and Killian from seeing each other?

Because they're step cousins.

There's nothing weird about...

Okay, maybe it's a little weird,

but you know what it's like
to be an outsider on the lake.

What's it going to take
just to let them hang out?

Don't sing tonight.

And I will drop the restraining order.

It's not fair to have
a ringer in the game.

Fine, you can take me out,

but if our kids need us to
win, we're not doing our jobs.

I just made it so Opal can't lose.

Justin said I was a terrible ally.

Mom worries that you'll
k*ll me in my sleep.

But you're the only woman for me.

But leave out the ally part,

or Opal will blast you
for virtue signalling.


Virtue signaling...

- Oh, my God.
- Here.

Ah. Why is my makeup running?

- Did you bake your face?
- What?

Got it! Bake your face?

It means, set your
foundation with powder.

Watch a tutorial, please.

- I'm good.
- Okay.



well, look what the d*ad cat dragged in.

It's a taxidermy joke and a bad one.

Are there good ones?

Cool shirt.

Okay, sure.

Thank you.

Is that the herstory?

f*ck yeah.

- Damn.
- God, I know.

You know my girl is going
to k*ll yours, right.

Not with this train.

- A train?
- Choo f*ck choo.



- Hey, everyone, this is Wayne.
- This is Jayne.

And welcome to the Boat House's

th edition of...

[BOTH] The Lake's Got Talent!


First up, we have

our very own Swedish meatball.

She's ready to Ragnarok you

with her scandi comedy stylings.

- Please welcome IKEA...
- Ulrika.

Ulrika. Ulrika. Ah!

- Come on.



They say that insects are
the food of the future.

Now that's what I call good grub.


Who likes Abba?

Hey, everybody.


This is

[SILLY VOICE] Oh hey, Riley.

Can you believe my boyfriend
told me I had a flat ass?



[SILLY VOICE] You're telling me,

doing squats ain't going to fix

getting railed by an wheeler.

For my next trick, I will
make my sister disappear.




I'm right here, Keri.



Keri's fine. Nothin mama's
Ativan couldn't fix...

Sorry, baby. [LAUGHING]

All right, everyone,

the moment we have all been waiting for.

So put your hands together and welcome

- the incredible Teesa.
- And Billie.

Sure, and I'm going
to assist on maracas.

No, you're not.

Okay. It's all you, baby.

- Go.
- What?

Good luck, Teesa.




♪ Listen, as your day unfolds ♪

♪ Challenge what the future holds ♪

♪ Try and keep your
head up to the sky ♪

♪ Lovers, they may cause you tears ♪

♪ Go ahead, release your fears ♪

♪ Stand up and be counted ♪

♪ Don't be ashamed to cry ♪

♪ You gotta be ♪

♪ You gotta be bad, you gotta
be bold, you gotta be wiser ♪

♪ You gotta be hard,
you gotta be tough ♪

♪ You gotta be stronger ♪

♪ You gotta be cool,
you gotta be calm ♪

♪ You gotta stay together ♪

♪ All I know, all I know,
love will save the day ♪

♪ Herald what your mother said ♪

♪ Read the books your father read ♪

♪ Try to solve the puzzles
in your own sweet time ♪

♪ Some may have more cash than you ♪

♪ Others take a different view ♪

♪ But my, oh, my ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Time asks no questions,
it goes on without you ♪

♪ Leaving you behind if
you can't stand the pace ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning ♪

♪ Can't stop it if you tried to ♪

♪ The best part is danger
staring you in the face ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ You gotta be bad,
you gotta be bold ♪

♪ You gotta be wiser ♪

♪ You gotta be hard,
you gotta be tough ♪

♪ You gotta be stronger ♪

♪ You gotta be cool,
you gotta be calm ♪

♪ You gotta stay together ♪

♪ All I know, all I know,
love will save the day ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ All I know, all I know,
love will save the day ♪


Nice job!

Whoa, whoa, what?
Dua, who? Miley, where?

- That was unbelievable...
- No.

No, definitely more time,
I understand. No problem.

Stop it.

- Hi.
- Go.

Maisy and I worked it out.



You were amazing.

♪ Meet me in the garden ♪

Thank you, they're beautiful.

I know you weren't pumped
about coming to the lake, but...

Bella wasn't pumped about
going to Forks, either.


Like in Twilight?

Yeah. She found true love.

Yeah, by becoming a vampire child bride.

Well, I only read the first...


- I read all of them.

All right?

Have you guys seen Opal?

He's up next, but we can't find him.

- Maybe he got scared.
- No, Opal does not get scared.

He's been rehearsing for like two weeks.

Olive won't hold the
curtain for much longer.

It's okay. I think I know where he is.


Probably living his best
Liza in the boat house.

- Let's go.
- Opal needs more

than just an ally. He
needs his community.

Okay? Fix this.

Don't jazz hands at me.

Okay, I will jazz hands if I...

See how he talks to me?



This is a private rehearsal.

It's too bad because that
train deserves a premiere.

Relax, it's a blend.

So, what happened tonight?

Just not feeling the fantasy?

Everyone was drooling
over an acoustic duet.

The lake just isn't
ready for Mulan Rouge.

Ooh, they're a lot more
ready than when I was a kid.

If I have to listen to one more old gay

crying about not being able
to wear a dress to school...

Old gay? I'm barely thirty...


Okay, yes.

Maybe your elders do
get a little bit jealous

watching you kids get to do drag

while we had to hide in the library.

This one time, I was
hiding from tetherball,

and I was reading about the Samurai Code

and how the Samurais could
control their emotions.

And I remember thinking that if

I could just figure out how to do that,

that nobody would see how scared

I was of being different.

So your internalized h*m*
was culturally appropriating?


Yeah, "Paris Is Burning."
I know, we steal everything.

I wasn't scared. Billie deserved to win.

If I won, it would've
only been because I'm ten.

And I won't be pitied.

No, of course not.

Grandpa Derrick would've
wanted Billie to win.

He never got to meet her.

Oh, well that, um...

That's a very big, very
not ten thing that you did.

Do you miss him?



Me, too.

You know, he always
let me b*at his face.

Dad let you h*t him?

Do his make up. You sure you're only ?

Wuh... Wow.

That, uh...

That really sounds like you
brought out the best in him.

Even if I'm not his real grandson.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, you
got to walk that back, Nicole.

Now I'm Billie's birth dad,
but I'm not her real dad.

There's room enough for both.

Grandpa Derrick used to
say I reminded him of you.

But I don't see it. You don't
know Cocteau or your colours.

You are such a dink.

All right. Spin her around
one more time, let me see this.

I only got half the show.

All right.


- Do you have to go?
- You'll be fine.

You learned how to canoe,

how to jump off a cliff,

and you won the talent
show all on your own.

Yeah, because you literally
abandoned me on stage.

You and Justin need
to find another move.

You cannot leave me alone with him

for the rest of the summer.

You and Justin both have
a hard time letting go.

But if you do, he will too.

And I think it's time that
you let him sleep inside again.

Give me one good reason.

You're pregnant.

So in years,

when this one comes running to
you about some dumb shit I did,

I hope you'll fight for me
like I'm fighting for you.

That's why you came.

I wanted to tell you in person.

And I hope that you'll want
to be a part of their life.

Just as much as Justin
wants to be a part of yours.



- Hiya.
- Hi.

Guess we're not gonna hang out, huh?

Next time, I promise.

- Did you tell her?
- Hm?

Please, you're, what,
like, four months along?

What gave it away?

You went up a cup size, you
only packed maxi dresses,

and you're getting all
those tiny little baby zits

- on your ass again.

That and you've done like zero cocaine

the whole time you've been here.

- Stop...
- Get over here.

Take care of her.

I'm trying, I swear.

- I know.
- Real hard.

I know.

So, who's the father?

A sangria surprise.




We're figuring it out. You'd like him.

- Oh yeah?
- Mm-hm.

All right.

He's not gay, right?

Cause I lost my gold star for you,

and that's got to count for something.


You're my one and only.


I know I am.





Can I come in?


So, you got some big news, huh?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I'm going to be a big sister.

So cool.

You know, it's okay if it's not.

No, I can't wait to tell mom and dad.

Teesa's going to be such a good mom.

This was the day we gave
you to Oliver and Naomi.

It was a really hard day.

But that was a really happy one too.



♪ Maybe I haven't put in the time ♪

♪ Maybe I haven't paid my dues ♪

♪ This life full of deception ♪

♪ Which reflection is true ♪


♪ We've all got
battlefields in our minds ♪


♪ Things we run from
and leave behind ♪

♪ We've all ♪

♪ We've all ♪

♪ We've all ♪

♪ We've all ♪

♪ We've all ♪
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