03x06 - Throw Momma From the Brain

[bunniefuu]

Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Ooh!
- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!
- Duncan!
- Duncan!
Annie, Annie.

It's gremlins, and they're
eating after midnight!
Get out of here!
Ugh!
That's not what I sound like.

You guys, scat!
Aww, our poor trash.

It was so happy in our kitchen.

This is all because someone
didn't want to pay
the extra $5 for locking lids.

Hey, that $5 got me
this raccoon poison
that I didn't have
the heart to use.

Can't we just wait
until the snow covers it?
The longer you complain about it,
the longer it doesn't get done.

So, if we complain
until the snow covers it
- Make with the rakes.

- Aww.

Am I the only one having fun?
Hee-hee, hee-hee, hee-hee.

Ha-ha!
Duncan, you accidentally
threw away your report card.

"Still struggling with everything.
"
- Going somewhere, Helen?
- My oldest sister had a baby.

- A living one?
- She means we're just surprised,
because you're so old, and we
- How old do you think I am?
- Two hundred
Congratulations to your sister
and her miracle child.

You should come with me, Duncan.

You might get baby fever.

- Better than raking trash.

- Give your sister our best.

All right, everybody, that
trash isn't gonna clean itself.

- It's the city's problem now.

- Woo-hoo!
- Yeah!
- Well, there goes my day.

Kimberly, look,
an adult guy in jorts.

- I make $42 an hour.

- That's good money, but
Sorry about them.

Can I help you
I have a package for Helen Diggins,
and there's nothing in it I want.

- You can leave it on her porch.

- No, Jack.
I just read an article
about the scourge of
porch pirates in Porch Weekly.

Oh, I love Porch Weekly.

The crosswords are so hard.

- She's married, dude.

- Happily?
Hit the road, shorts.

We'll leave it
in the back of the house.

Porch pirates hate that.

Argh, the back of the house?
The day is lost, boys.

Argh.

Why are we doing a favor for
Helen? She treats us like crap,
and she's always
hitting on our son.

Look, she's an awful neighbor
and predator,
but that's no reason to not be nice.

You're right, honey.

Let's be good neighbors.

Splash?
Helen doesn't own anything
that goes splash.

That was a splash, right?
Oh, I know water,
and that was a splash.

So this is what you can buy
when you don't have kids?
A TV outside?
- Well, in all my years.

- And there's a deck?
As long as I can remember,
I've always wanted
to be a deck guy
hosting epic backyard parties,
inviting everyone
in the neighborhood to my home,
but not in my home.

Flipping burgers, plating
burgers, talking burgers,
and then everyone raises
their burgers in my honor
and yell, "To Jack,
the king of the deck!"
You've wanted that as long
as you can remember?
More than anything.

Helen's yard is so much
cooler than ours, Mom.

Can we use it while she's gone?
Can we?
Please, Mommy.

Please don't make us
go back to that dump.

Our yard isn't that bad.

I'm Helen Diggins,
and it's 5:00 somewhere.

Previously on "Teen Housewives.
"
Kimberly, come on,
we're outdoors now.

You know you've
got to turn it up.

Tylan, I have to take our son
to his soccer practice,
and then you have to take me
to my soccer practice.

- But Brendell, my bike only seats two.

- That does it.

I'm serving you papers
at semi-formal.

Those two, always on the rocks.

Man, this is the kind of resistance
you just can't get on land.

- How long was that?
- Four seconds.

- Yes! New record.

- Dunkie, you remember the first
time I took you swimming?
Yes.
You tell this story
like 50 times a day.

The beach was packed
for 4th of July.

You walked into the lake.

A fish brushed against your foot,
and you screamed, "Mommy!"
and you ran out of the water.

- I was there, Mom.

- I'm not done.

But your trunks were too big,
so they came right off,
and there was it was,
your itty-bitty,
teeny-weeny button
for all of Oakdale to see.

- Remember that, Jack?
- Remember what, honey?
The beach was packed
for the 4th of July.

Dunkie walked into the lake,
and a fish
All of Oakdale saw
Duncan's button.

- Sup?
- Whoa, man, where are you?
- Hawaii? I'm jealous.

- Huh? Oh, yeah.

Anytime you guys
don't see me, I'm in Hawaii.

Are we hearing
the same fire truck?
What? No.

I don't know, some dude's
grass skirt is burning.

You know I track you
on my phone, right?
That's Ms.
Diggins' yard.

She invites me over
to talk about you a lot.

Okay, Old Lady Diggins is gone,
so me and my family
are Parasite-ing her.

You look kind of cool
by firelight, Duncan.

It makes you look like
you have cheek bones.

I mean, I know they're
not there, but still.

Yeah, you look
like Willem Dafoe.

Ooh, yeah.

Total Willem Dafoe.

Ladies, ladies,
can we go a day without Dafoe?
Kimber, can you take over the grill
while these firemen put me out?
- Sweet deck you got here.

- You think so?
Oh, yeah.

I'd trade the lust of every
married woman in town for this.

- Hey, Annie.

- Hi, Lance.

Okay, we all had
a fun day trespassing
in our neighbor's yard.

Time for bed.

What about our baths?
That's the beauty of a pool.

Chlorine is nature's soap.

Is it also nature's toothpaste?
It's nature's everything.

Goodnight.

Whoo-hoo!
Slow down, big boy.

We're going skinny dipping.

Wow, I thought no bath
was exciting!
You grab the wine, I'll grab
my skinny dipping t-shirt.

I'm having a body judgment day.

But everything else is gonna be
free and floating towards you.

Sup?
Just chilling my cheekbones
by the fire.

- Wait, Duncan, are you still inside?
- I made my own fire pit.

- Open a window!
- Are you as sleepy as I am?
You're getting carbon monoxide
poisoning.
Stomp it out!
Call you right back.

Ow! Fire, bad!
Pool loving,
and I'm feeling sexy ♪
I got a t-shirt,
and it's down to my knees ♪
Take me to the deep end, daddy.

- What are you doing here?
- Fire pit cheekbones.

Why are you naked?
Hope you brought the skinny,
'cause I brought the dip.

- Oh!
- Ugh!
Poor Dunkie.

Why was it so important
to go skinny dipping?
Why didn't I wear a weird oversized
M&M Store man dress like you?
Honey, don't b*at yourself up.

You were naked and mistakenly
propositioned your son.

It happens.

But he looked so traumatized.

Like that time at Disneyland,
when he saw Jiminy Cricket
smoking in the men's room.

Relax, Annie.

Kids see so much crazy stuff
on the internet these days,
it washes right over them.

I'm not my mother's daddy.

I'm not my mother's daddy.

Why isn't this working?
I'm tear-free, daddy.

- I'm a three-way bulb.

- Why are you telling me that?
Oh, thank God, a G-rated room.

Can I sleep in here?
Sure.
Want to play Barbies?
Today's laundry day.

My delicates are in the wash.

I see trauma.

Come on, Mom.
It's our
last day with Helen's yard.

- We're having a pool party.

- Yeah, everyone's gonna be there.

Bradley, Lil Joey that's
all the people I know.

I'm not really in
a bathing suit mood today.

Is this about Duncan
seeing you naked?
Dad told us.

You definitely scarred him.

To the deck!
Whoo!
Come on, honey.
Helen
will be home in a few hours,
and this is my only chance
to be king of the deck.

They might even
burger toast me.

Sorry, but I don't
want my naked encounter
with Duncan to become
a thing between us.

He has to come down
those stairs sometime.

- My own son can't even look at me.

- Yeah, devastating.

Anyhoo, if you change your mind
about my deck party,
I got Jarts.

They're illegal.

So, you saw your mom
full frontal?
And my dad's ass.

And then my mom ran
to get a towel,
but that just activated
the backyard spotlight.

Slow down.
So, you saw
your mom's everything?
- Everything.

- Sometimes it can help to talk
about these things slowly.

I know it was a shock,
but it's kind of cute
your parents still have
romantic rendezvous.

What? I'm just trying to put
a nice spin on a gross story.

I'll get over this
eventually, right?
Oh, no, this is gonna
jack you up for life.

Yeah, you can't unsee
your mom's frisbees.

I saw my mom naked once,
and I tell everyone I meet.

Would you like to meet my mom?
Get out of here, man.

I've warned you so many times.

I'm just gonna avoid her
until I go to college.

Oh, no! I'm gonna have
to go to college!
Okay, burgers cooking,
beers chilling,
potato salad spoiling.

Am I forgetting anything, Kimber?
- Uh.
Fun?
- What do you mean?
This party sucks, Dad.

Everyone's just standing around.

Jing's making small talk
with Mayor Jen.

Anyway, that's the summer
my husband left me for a man.

- What's your deal?
- I can talk like a robot.

- Beep, beep, boop-bop.

- I don't care for that.

I hope someone's house
catches fire,
- so I can leave without being rude.

- You and me both, beefcake.

I thought your dream
was to be a weird deck guy.

It is! That's why I did
everything in this book!
Give me that.

The problem is you have
a big deck, but you don't
have big deck energy.

- You are saying "deck," right?
- Uh-huh.

Never charge for booze,
give out free tattoos ♪
Everything is all-included ♪
Music never should be muted ♪
Big deck energy,
big deck energy ♪
Cornhole in the yard
with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar ♪
Telling all the ladies that
your deck is big and hard ♪
Big deck energy,
big deck energy ♪
Want to be a deck guy?
Gotta play the part ♪
Get this party going
Ow, is that a jart? ♪
Hey, everybody,
look up here at me ♪
I finally got big deck energy ♪
Cannonball!
Big deck energy ♪
- Big deck energy ♪
- You feel me?
Duncan? It's me.

We need to talk.

Are you decent?
Oh, I'm wearing my butt
cr*ck leggings.

Hold on a sec.

I think we should talk
so things don't get weird between us.

Oh, for Pete's sake, Dunkie,
I know it was strange
because I'm your mom.

But if we were
of the Swedish culture,
we would see each other naked
all the time
in the sauna, at dinner,
- at IKEA.

- Mom, you're ruining IKEA!
You know that's
my favorite restaurant!
You know, cavemen would see
their moms naked all the time.

Did you think about
the cavemen, Duncan?
Of course I thought
about the cavemen!
You're making a big deal
out of nothing.

This will just be one of your
many funny, embarrassing stories
that you enjoy me
telling to total strangers.

- Please leave.

- Okay.
But I'm just gonna leave this
book of Renaissance paintings,
- in case you're curious about
- Just go!
Hey, Siri, how do I get
something horrible out of my head?
There are six jart
removal locations nearby.

- No, seeing my mom naked.

- Searching "naked moms.
"
- No! Just forget it.

- Searching "forget it.
"
That's it!
Dunkie!
Leave me alone.

Wow, naked mom at the pool.

Well, Freud said trauma
starts with the mama.

Whatever.
Just help me stop
seeing my mom's frisbees.

Okay.

But before I wipe the memory,
you must read these seven pages
of risks and sign
- Wipe me.

- It's not that simple.

You must find the memory
of your mother
and remove it
without disturbing the others.

Memories are interconnected.

Like this metal pin
on my chair.

You pull it out,
the whole thing collapses.

I gotta think of another way
to demonstrate that.

Yeah, yeah.
If I need to
remember something important,
Facebook will send me
a notification.

You want your $20 or not?
You're in a hallway
lined with doors.

Behind each door are
your most significant memories.

Largest poops.

Don't get distracted.

Find the door that says "Mom.
"
Got it.

Are those too tight in the crotch?
- Zip me up, Dunkie.

- Blast!
Someone's going through puberty.

And that's where
babies come from.

Suppository!
Nocturnal emissions!
Take me to the deep end, daddy.

- Die, memory, die.

- Hot flash!
Just use the girls' room.

Teeny-weeny button.

Kiss your grandma.

Butt cr*ck leggings.

Crunchy sock.

Foreskin!
Yeah! Smoked her.

Ba-bam!
Dude, you gotta release this
for PlayStation.

- Am I cured?
- That depends.

What do these frisbees
make you think of?
- Dogs?
- You're cured.

Yes!
You saved my life.

And I got this sweet keychain.

- Is this the jart removal place?
- No, that's next door.

All right.

Thank you.

Deck guy says, "Move right.
"
Deck guy says, "Move left.
"
Deck guy keeps it tight.

- Deck guy, he don't mess.

- Deck guy.

Touch the sky!
I love dancing to songs
that have instructions.

You're white, Jack.

Of course you do.

Dad, I'm so proud of you.

I'm gonna do something
I've never done before.

Hey, everyone, this is my dad!
All right, everyone raise
your burgers in the air
Oh my God, here it comes.

The burger toast.

To my man, Jack,
the king of the
- Hey, are you Big Deck Jack?
- If the apron fits.

We saw your party on
Porch Weekly's Instagram feed.

Okay if we join?
Sure, I'll throw two
more portobels on the rack.

Hey, the old jerk said okay.

- Uh-oh.

- We're gonna need a bigger deck.

Sup, Mom?
What's for lunch?
Sandwich.
Wait, Duncan,
you're looking at me.

Yeah, why wouldn't I?
Extra mayo, please.

- So, the incident over at Helen's?
- Oh.
I know something happened,
but can't remember what it was.

So, we cool.

Oh, Dunkie, it is so nice
to have my baby boy back.

I was worried we were never gonna
have any fun times together again.

Like that 4th of July.

The beach was packed.

You walked into the lake, and a
fish brushed against your foot.

And hey, you're not
rolling your eyes at me.

- Why would I?
- You heard it a million times,
and you hate it.

What's wrong with you?
Nothing.
I just paid
some brain dude
to let me go ham on memories
I don't want.

"Go ham"?
You went ham on your brain?
So, do you remember what happened
at your sixth birthday party?
- I turned six?
- Now, the clown scared you,
and I b*at him
with his giant shoe!
And you started giggling and
clapping, and it was adorable.

Sounds funny.

Wish I was there.

You were there!
Oh, my God!
- You destroyed our memories.

- Just the embarrassing ones.

- Who cares?
- I care!
After I saved you from
that fish on the 4th of July,
you colored me
a thank you note,
and it was the first time
you ever wrote
"I love you, Mommy.
"
I called it a "pish.
"
Those moments embarrass you
now because you're a teenager.

But they're precious.

You would have seen
that one day.

You just didn't erase memories.

You erased us.

My first new memory,
and it sucks.

Helen's gonna be
home any minute.

Everybody, please go,
and if you could each
just pick up one piece of trash
on the way out.

I know we should do
something about that,
but my shift ended
five minutes ago.

Whoa! Ahh!
- Ow!
- Dad, do something!
Mr.
Mitch,
how do I stop this party?
Sorry, I just know
how to get them started.

Stopping them is a cop thing.

Excuse me, college kids,
bad news.

- I gotta shut it down.

- Shut it down?
- I thought you were Big Deck Jack.

- You're right.
Carry on.

- She's going down!
- Thank you for having us.

- Jump, Dad!
- No!
I've got to go down
with the deck.

- Helen's home!
- What do we do?
There's only one thing
we can do.

- Run like hell?
- Language, and yes!
You wiped all
my childhood memories,
and now my mom
is sobbing into a sandwich.

No, you wiped
your childhood memories.

What did I say about pulling
the pin in the chair, Duncan?
I know, I know,
but you put your chair
- back together, right?
- No, I buy a new one every time.

There has to be something
I can do.

There may be one way,
but it's highly controversial.

I'll do anything.

I have to do what?
Did you lose your mind
with those memories?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry!
I felt awful that I made
you cry, and the doctor said
the only way
to get my memories back
was to recreate the horror
of seeing you naked.

- Did it work?
- It was the 4th of July.

Beach was packed.

- That's right.
Then what happened?
- A pish touched my foot.

- Uh-huh.

- I ran out of the water.

Lost my shorts.

And everyone saw my
Itty-bitty,
teeny-weeny button.

- Dunkie, you did it!
- I 'membered!
So, that's why you barged
into my showed!
Thank you so much for that
touching and intrusive gesture.

Hey, can this be a story we just
keep to ourselves until we die?
Oh, yeah.

I'm not even telling your dad.

Okay, Helen, we're walking
down a long flight of stairs,
and when we get to the bottom,
- we're gonna be inside your mind.

- Okay.

Dad, do you really thinking
this is gonna work?
The only other option we have
is to move or k*ll Helen,
and your mom said no to both.

Your deck was destroyed
by a meteor,
and you want to build
an even bigger
and better one
to share with your neighbors.

- Okay.

- And you give us presents
on Christmas and every day,
just because.

- Okay.

- You'll let me throw my
Sweet Sixteen here,
and my Dirty Thirty.

Okay.

And you're no longer
attracted to Duncan.

Like hell.