01x12 - A Christmas Peril

Episode Transcripts for the TV show "Young Rock." Aired: February 16, 2021 –; present.*
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Sitcom based upon the life of professional wrestler and actor Dwayne Johnson, also known by his ring name "The Rock".
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01x12 - A Christmas Peril

Post by bunniefuu »

- Keep shredding the nice lists!

No one's getting
presents this year!

Get back to work,

or I'll feed you to Jack Frost!

- Hide!

- You're safe now.

You can come out.

- Who are you?

- I'm Big Tim.

- That's right.
- Tiny Tim is all grown up.

- And I need you - to
help me save Christmas.

Those men out there?

They work for Ibiza Scrooge.

- Ebenezer's granddaughter?

- The very one.

She captured Mrs. Claus,

stole Santa's sleigh,

and she's taken

New Orleans hostage.

The Ghost of Christmas Future

has shown me what's to come.

And if Ibiza Scrooge succeeds

at blowing up Bourbon Street,

Christmas is over forever.

- Now, I don't know
- about you guys,

But I don't want to live in
a world without Christmas.

- Let's go save Christmas.

- And cut.

- Good job.

- Dwayne, can we, uh...

- Yeah, I'd love to.

What's going on with her?

- I don't know.
- That last line, there's just...

- Flat.
- Flat.

- Completely flat.
- Yeah, nothing.

- I mean, it doesn't seem like
- she is remotely moved at all

By my big speech.

- You wanna replace her?
- With who? Kevin Hart?

- I mean, we can't.
- She's eight years old.

- Would Kevin do this?

- No, I don't think
- we can replace her.

- I mean, she's an Oscar
nominee - for God's sake.

This is the biggest
scene in the movie.

Now, if I can't convince her

that Christmas is worth saving,

- then how am I gonna
convince - the audience?

- There's no movie.

- Hey, Leslie.

- Hey.

- Is everything okay?
- You just... you seem a little...

- I'm fine.

Just annoyed we're on

take nine of this scene.

I mean, you and I,

we've been around
for a long time.

- Between us, - we're
working way too hard

For a dumb Christmas movie.

- Well, "A Christmas Peril"

isn't a dumb Christmas movie.

- I know it's based on - a
Dickens classic or whatever,

- But a bunch of ghosts -
coming to teach you about

Christmas spirit?

It's absurd.

- I know it sounds absurd,

but it's not.

I know because it
actually happened to me.

It was Christmas 1982,

and I was about your age.

- I was living - with
my family in Hawaii,

And it was going to be

the best Christmas ever.

- Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christm...

- Santa Claus is down.

You know what that means.

Mrs. Claus is up for grabs.

- My mom and I were
- at a holiday match

That my grandma was promoting,

and she got all the best guys

to participate.

Slay them, Santa Dad!

- My dad, the Soulman,
- Rocky Johnson,

The Iron Sheik,

André the Giant,

"Macho Man" Randy Savage,

and the Wild Samoans.

- Sika has the mistletoe!

- If he gets it to Mrs. Claus
- and kisses her underneath it,

He wins the lady and the match.

He's been notoriously lonely

since his ex-girlfriend
stabbed him.

Oh, my God!

- She doesn't need a Santa.

She's a career woman who
can make it on her own.

It's 1982, folks.

It's a woman's world.

- Yeah! Yeah!

- Here you are,

my famous keke pua'a.

Ooh!

- Finally.

- Been waiting -
all year for these.

- You're too slow, Rocky.

- Get in line, sucker.

Nah, Merry Christmas, man.

Thanks for having us.

- Randy, you never told
me - your girlfriend

Could kick like that.

- Ooh, Elizabeth is great.

Yeah, she really

gets into character.

- I do.

- In my mind, Santa cheated
on me - with an elf,

And I finally had it.

- I cannot wait to open -
my present tomorrow morning.

I already know what it is.

- I only asked for -
one thing this year.

- A boat?

- Better. A Cabbage Patch Kid.

- Where are the ribbons?

Where is the tissue paper?

- Whoever wrapped
this - hates children.

- My mom. She tries.

- Hey, put that back.

It's not Christmas morning yet.

- See you tomorrow.

- André, why are you

still dressed as Merlin?

- Mean Gene, I'm Père Noel.

- Who's Père Noel?

- He's the Father
Christmas - in France.

- So like green Santa?

- Green Santa?

- No.

He brings Christmas magic

to whoever need it most.

- Okay.

- I went to three
- different stores

Looking for Dewey's present.

- There's that many stores now?

- Everywhere was sold out.

But I finally found it.

- I'm going to bed.

- It's only 08:30.

- Are you even tired?

- No, not really.

- Hey, Sheik, - can
you choke me out?

- Yes, baba.

- Oh, no, no, no, no!

- What? What did I do?

- It's fine.
- I'll just drink Nyquil.

- Don't drink Nyquil.

- No sleep-enhancing dr*gs!

- Santa?

- No, dude. I'm you.

From the future.

- Wow. Me at 40.

- I'm 15.

- Fantastic.

- I've come to warn you.

Tomorrow is gonna be the
worst day of your life.

- You really expect me -
to believe that the ghost

Of your 15-year-old self

came to visit your ten-year-old

self on Christmas Eve?

- Hey, look, I'm just telling
you what happened, all right?

But if you don't wanna hear,
- let's get back to work

- Come on.
- No, no, no.

I didn't say that.

Just voicing some questions.

Continue.

- All right, so me
and my ghost self,

- we were hanging out -
in my grandma's kitchen.

- You can eat?

- Yeah, but I don't go

to the bathroom.

- Whoa.

Wait, how can tomorrow

be the worst day of my life?

- It's Christmas, and I'm
getting - a Cabbage Patch Kid.

- Check the present.

- What is this? Radish Baby?

- A knock-off -
Cabbage Patch Kid.

- Someone told Mom - it
was even more popular

Than the regular ones.

- No.

This is the worst present ever.

- That's exactly what -
you'll say tomorrow morning

When you open it.

- Why have you shown
me this, - spirit?

- Well, I figured
- maybe at least

You could salvage some
of this Christmas.

- Because from this year forward,
- our Christmases only get worse.

- Worse than this?

There is 1,000%

a soul trapped in here.

If you don't believe me

I can show you.

But I'm warning you, it's bad.

- Where are we?

- Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

1987.

This is our worst

Christmas ever.

- Mom?

- She can't hear you.
- No one can.

- Money was tight, - so we
all got jobs at the mall

- To make extra cash
- for the holidays.

Mom's job was wrapping gifts.

- Here you are, sir.

Merry Christmas.

- It looks like it
- was stomped on.

- With joy?

Reindeer hoofs of joy?

- And our job was that.

- Ho, ho!

- And what do you
want - for Christmas?

- I want a Nintendo.

- A Nintendo, huh?

Well, hopefully,

you're on the nice list.

What do you say, elf?

Is Marty on the nice list?

- As if this wasn't
humiliating enough,

- Dad decided to start a
w*r - with the cheese guy.

- This is premium
cheese, - rolled in nuts,

Shaped into a ball.

- Behold the holiday cheeseball.

- How is he drawing -
a bigger crowd than me?

Santa's the main event.

That joker's the undercard.

We gotta get eyes back on us.

I'm actually fine with eyes

not being on us.

- I don't want anyone from
school - to see me like this.

- Well, then you should have
- put yourself up for adoption

- 'cause you got a daddy
- that likes to be seen.

Ho, ho, ho!

Feast your eyes on Hunky Santa.

- Now, don't tell Mrs. Claus.

Drink your milk, children.

- Let's see the
cheese man - do this!

Oh, you mad, cheese guy?

Yeah, you mad. Bladow!

- Honestly, I still don't think

this Christmas is
worse than Radish Baby.

- You haven't seen
- the worst part.

- Hey, elf, why the long face?

Where is your Christmas spirit?

Be the heel. They'll love it.

Oh, no.

- You must be one of those bad
- elves from the naughty list.

- Yeah.

And if you are, you have
to do the naughty dance.

- What's the naughty dance?
- Just make something up.

- Ho, ho, ho. There it is.

- Okay. So we never
learned to dance.

- Shake that booty!

Thunderclaps!

It's raining candy.

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

- Oh, my God, Karen.

- Hey, Dwayne.

- Who are they?

- My ex-girlfriend -
and her new boyfriend.

- She was our girlfriend
- and you messed it up?

You crazy?

- Hey, uh, that was just, like,

- a skit me and my
dad - were doing.

- Oh, yeah.

It was really funny.

- Yeah, maybe you can do -
another elf dance for us.

- Kevin, let's get
back - to shopping.

- Yeah, Kevin, -
you should get back

To Fashion Bug.

- My aunt works there,

- and they actually have
- good belts for men.

- Ugh, over this. Outta here.

- Karen, come back.

- Shut up and get me
a candy cane, elf.

- You want a candy cane?

Careful, they're
bad for your teeth.

- Wait, wait,
wait, wait! Oh, no!

- You hit him with a
candy cane just like...

Just like my character does

to Ibiza Scrooge

in the climactic battle

at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome.

You write what you know.

- So that fight gets us fired.

That and some literal nuns

complained about Hunky Santa.

But even worse,

the manager docks our pay

because he has to replace the

Santa costume and the house.

- So we don't even
make any money?

- Nope. I told you.

It's the worst Christmas ever.

- I don't know about that.

- Who is he?

- I don't know.

Both: Wow. Us at 40.

- Actually, we're 21.

Welcome to 1993
Miami, little me's.

And to the real
worst Christmas ever.

- Of course, Christmas ghosts
- always come in threes.

Were you scared?

- Not at first.

- Look at how jacked I am.
- How much can we lift?

- What about the treadmill?
- Can we lift the treadmill?

- I didn't bring you
here to watch me lift,

though, yeah, sure, I could

probably lift the treadmill.

I brought you here because
- y'all don't know a thing

About bad Christmases.

Okay, this is the worst one.

- Who are you calling?

- Mom and Dad.

- Watch, Iron Sheik
is about to take out

the unsanctioned mistletoe.

- I know, Lia. I was there.

- I can't believe we're not -
gonna spend Christmas together.

- Yeah, I know.
- I'm bummed, too, Mom.

But everyone stuck around

to train for the Fiesta Bowl.

- Why'd you lie to Mom?

- It was easier than saying,

"I don't wanna spend Christmas

- "in a cramped apartment -
listening to Dad and Grandma

- Have one of their
- boozy arguments."

- It's smart to own a g*n.

- What if you need -
to protect yourself?

- Anyone can pull a trigger.

But who needs g*ns

when you got these?

Fist, snap, pick your poison.

- Hey, babe.
- What's Dewey's opinion on g*ns?

- I should get back
- to practice, Mom.

- Are you sure you don't -
want us to come over after?

- It's just a quick
- four-hour drive.

- Thanks, but I'll
be - with the team.

- I figured I might as well
skip - the whole thing.

- I mean, what's the
point - in doing it

If you know it's just
gonna disappoint?

- Amen, brother.

- Don't try and be cool

in front of the coolest
version of us, man.


- So we're just gonna spend

Christmas all alone?

- I wish.

- Dewey?

- What are you doing here, man?
- It's Christmas Eve.

- Coach O, yeah, I figured

I'd just stick around.

- Is your family -
gonna come see you?

- Oh, they can't.

They're, um,

they're on a cruise.

- So what are you
- doing tonight?

- I don't know.

Get some Subway. Watch
"Wayne's World 2."

- No, you're coming
- to my house.

- No, Coach, - you
don't have to do that.

- Hey, I've seen "Home Alone,"

- and I ain't gonna let you
spend - Christmas by yourself.

Too risky. Let's go.

Dwayne, this is my mother,

Coco Orgeron.

And, Mama, this is Dwayne.

- He was gonna spend
Christmas - by himself.

- Aww, pauve ti bete.

- I love the way she speaks.

What language is that?

- Cajun-English.

- Can't wait to try it.

- Well, you're gonna have to.

- That ain't gonna be ready -
for at least a couple hours.

Gotta simmer.

- Simmer.

- Hey, you like music?

Can you believe it? A cappella.

All 33 tracks, no instruments,

just mouths.

That's a mouth.

That's a mouth. That's a mouth.

- Honestly, strong me,

I'm a little offended

you think this even compares

to Radish Baby.

- Yeah, this is not that bad.

- Oh, yeah?

Let me fast-forward
three hours from now.

- Now this is drums.

- I'm just kidding!
- It's a mouth still!

- I'm gonna go check
- on the gumbo.

- There you go.

Another mouth.

- Hey, Mrs. O.

You need any help?

- Oh, me. Ain't you sweet, sha?

I do gotta visit the cabin.

Y'all stir for me, sha.

Stir, stir.

- Oh, yeah, now I see why -
it's the worst Christmas ever.

You had to stir soup.

- I didn't just stir it.

- No.
- I was starving.

- I was just trying -
to speed up the process.

- Even I know -
that's a bad idea!

- What you doing?

- Uh...

- You put salt in my gumbo?

Messing around with my salt.

- Is she okay? Is she dead?

- You never touch -
a woman's gumbo, son!

- Never!
- I'm sorry.

But it needed salt.

- It didn't. Just drive.

- Does she die?

- No, she's fine.

- The doctors called
it - a stress faint.

But we spent the rest

of the night in the hospital.

That's why this is

the worst Christmas ever.

Honestly, ever since

Radish Baby,

- Christmas has always -
found a way to let us down.

- We just have
terrible - Christmases

For the rest of our lives?

- Looks like it.

Is it snowing? In Miami?

- But not everywhere?

Hey, Deweys!

- André?

- What was in that gumbo?

- André? Is that really you?

- I am not André.

I'm the Père Noel.

- He brings Christmas
magic - to...

- Whoever needs it most.

- Yes, he does.

- Why have you
come, - Père Noel?

- Are you here to change -
our terrible Christmases?

- The only thing I'm here - to
change is your perspectives.

Huh?

You Deweys are looking

at Christmas all wrong.

Let me show you.

- And what do you see
here, - Big Dewey?

- Three starving people

in a hospital eating Jell-O.

- I see people making

the best of a bad situation.

- Ooh, almost midnight.

- And the man who made sure

no one spent Christmas alone.

- I'm sorry I ruined
your Christmas.

- Would've ruined
it more - if I knew

You were on your own, Dewey.

Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

- And you, Medium Dewey.

What do you see here?

- Two people who just
got fired - and are about

- To go home - and
not exchange gifts

- Because - they
couldn't afford any.

- Good luck putting - a
silver lining on that one.

- You are right, Medium Dewey.

This Christmas

was not so great.

But it was not all bad.

- Hey, ready to go?

- I have a surprise.

- A holiday cheeseball.

- Someone asked me to wrap one
- and then forgot to pick it up.

Come on, dig in.

- You do not have much,

- but you have - two
parents who love you.

And that's not nothing.

- Ooh, it's my turn.

What do I get to see?

- I do not know, Tiny Dewey.

- Deweys: - Easy
with the tiny.

- This Christmas

has not happened yet.

You are where it all begins.

You can choose to keep
things as they are

or change the course of your

Christmas futures forever.

- It's all up to
you now, - buddy.

- We believe in you.

- Now it's time for you

to get back to bed.

It's almost Christmas morning.

- What day is it?
- You there, what day is it?

- Couldn't say, little man.

- Merry Christmas, baby.

Do you wanna open your present?

- Open it up, son.

- A Radish Baby.

I love it!

- Oh, I'm so glad.

It was sold out everywhere.

- But luckily your dad knew
a guy - who knew a guy...

- Thank you guys so much
- for looking so hard

For my Christmas present.

I'm really lucky.

- Merry Christmas.

- Rocky, I know - you
didn't get any last night.

- Thanks, Lia.

- Aw, wow.

- Hey, get back.
- Get outta here.

- Rocky, it's Christmas.

- Thanks for teaching me
- the meaning of Christmas

Via time travel.

- Is it Christmas?

- Yeah.

Merry Christmas.

All: Merry Christmas.

- Père Noel taught me

that Christmas

is what we make of it.

And the most important thing
about our movie isn't whether

or not it makes sense that

Big Tim needs Santa's sleigh

to stop Ibiza Scrooge

from blowing up New Orleans.

- The most important
thing - about our movie

- Is that families -
will go see it together.

- You're right.

It reminds me of
when I was a kid,

- and my family would go -
to the movies on Christmas.

And after, we'd drive

home and criticize

all our neighbors' decorations.

- It was really nice.

- You see, now that's what
- Christmas is all about.

- Those shared memories that
- people will take with them

For the rest of their lives.

Because love it or hate it,

this time of the year
is really special.

Now, I don't know about you,

but I don't wanna live in
a world without Christmas.

- Let's go save Christmas!

- Merry Christmas, everyone.

Hey, Rudolph.

- Light the way -
to Bourbon Street.

- And cut. That's great.

Fantastic work, people.

- Leslie, that was amazing.
- Great job.

- Thanks to you.
- You're a regular Père Noel.

- I prefer Dwanta Claus.

- Look at how jacked we are.

- So that's us at 40.

- Why would we ever
wear - a shirt?
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