01x05 - Don't Go Breaking My Heart

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic fanfare]

Good afternoon.

I'm Randall Park, live at the campaign headquarters of presidential candidate Dwayne Johnson.

Randall, it's good to have you here, buddy.

Well, it's all my "plejure.

" Pleasure.

- Did I say "plejure"? - [both chuckle]

Uh, yeah, can we do that over? I just needed a second to warm up.

Mm-hmm, we're live.

Oh.

[laughs]

Yes, of course, we are live.

It's been a while since my live theater days, since I played Mercutio in "Romeo and Juliet.

" "True, I talk of dreams, which are the children "of an idle brain, begot of nothing but vain fantasy.

" Yes, yes.

"And thusly the night.

" I had the skull, and I was like, "Uh, you're a skull.

" - We're live.

- We're we're live.

- We're still live.

- Ye oh, yes.

We are still live.

That's right.

So we've heard rumblings that you're close to choosing your VP.

We're very excited to make that announcement.

Pretty soon we're gonna tell America.

So what are the important qualities that you're looking for in a running mate? Do you remember that story I told you about the incident? The one with Jack Black and the cows.

Can't get it out of my mind.

Not that one, although that's a great story.

I'm talking about the one where I punched that kid - in high school.

- Yes.

I will never forget it.

I was 15 years old, and clearly I was no angel.

But up until that time, I'd always kept my bad behavior away from my parents.

Not this time.

My dad was away at a wrestling convention, and my mom found out.

- Keep those knees up, Jazzers! - Everyone's watching Ata, I can't believe this is your first class.

- You're a natural.

- To see what you will do - I'm dying.

- Everyone's trying To get it right, get it right Everybody's working for the weekend [bell rings]

Principal Bogg, I'm shocked.

Dewey has never done anything like this in his life.

He's a good boy.

No one is more shocked than me.

I thought for sure Dwayne was an undercover cop.

I was this close to asking him to an Eagles game.

So what exactly happened? I was provoked.

Wrestling's all fake anyway.

- [groans]

- Oh! Never use the "F" word.

Well, that's one side of the story.

Normally, we'd get the other side from the boy he hit, but he was rushed to the hospital.

- Oh, my God! - Well, not rushed.

He was taken at a comfortable speed.

Sort of a relaxed urgency, wouldn't you say, Helen? I'd say more composed than relaxed.

- Composed urgency.

- Are you sure it was Dewey? The victim ID'd him.

Is your attacker in this lineup? That one.

The ogre.

You know we can hear you, right? I guess we can just call people ogres now.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to suspend Dwayne for a week.

I can assure you, nothing like this will ever happen again.

Right, Dewey? Where'd you get those pants? Uh [dramatic music]

In P.

E.

class.

We had a push-up contest, and the winner got Girbaud jeans.

Specifically that pair or did you have to give your size? You know what, forget it.

I don't have the energy.

Get your homework for the week.

I'll be outside.

Oh, my legs.

Dude, this is a huge moment for you.

What do you mean? Fine-Ass Karen liked that you punched Kevin, man.

Said it made her feel like Cherry from "Outsiders.

" For real? Like, she told you that? Well, not exactly.

Karen wrote a note that she gave to Bonnie, and Bonnie gave that note to me to give to you, and as you know, I'm a Curious George, so I read it immediately before handing it to you right now.

"That punch was hot.

"If you want, you can buy me a present "and take me to dinner.

"OO.

Those are just the hugs.

"If you want the XX Kisses, "let's see that gift.

Karen.

" I memorized it.

She thinks I'm rich, so I gotta get her a dope present.

Come with me to the mall later, help me find one? Okay, sure.

Where do you wanna meet? - Zales.

- Obviously Zales.

I don't even know why I said that.

Dewey, let's go! We're gonna miss the bus! Dewey, the bus.

I can't believe this.

Wait till I tell your father when he gets home.

Did you have to broadcast to the whole school that we take the bus? You just got suspended, and that's what you're concerned about? Everybody on here is taking the bus.

That guy's probably a lawyer.

Sorry.

Are you talking to me? No.

Uh No.

Let's focus on the real issue here.

Why did you hit that boy? He was talking trash about us.

He said that wrestling was fake, so I punched him.

That is not okay.

You've never done anything like this before.

Can we not talk about this in front of all these people? No one is listening to our conversation.

Uh, actually, I am listening.

I went through something similar with my oldest.

Okay, too much bus for me.

- [bell dings]

- What are you doing? This isn't our stop.

I'm gonna go to the mall, wait for Gabe.

You certainly are not.

You just got suspended.

Exactly.

I can't be at school.

So what does it matter where I am? Dewey.

[sighs]

Whoo! The party's here.

[drumming]

[line trilling]

Hello, Ata.

- How'd you know it was me? - Caller ID.

I just got a whole new phone system hooked up.

I'm trying to find Rocky.

He left this morning to work a wrestling convention in Erie and didn't know where he was staying.

Is everything okay? [sighs]

Dewey got suspended for fighting.

- [gasps]

- I know.

And then when I was taking him home, he got off the bus to go to the mall.

To buy you an apology gift? To hang out with his friend Gabe.

Gabe? I've never met a Gabe in my life.

That's why I want to talk to Rocky.

Dewey's such a sweet boy.

He's never acted out like this before.

The Wild Samoans will know where he is.

Here, I'll loop them in.

I just got three-way calling.

Watch.

[classical music playing]

[dialing]

- [line trilling]

- Hello.

Hey, man, it's me and Ata.

You know where Rocky is out there in Erie? No, brother, but Macho Man might know.

Sika, can we add a three-way call to a three-way call? [indistinct]

Yes.

Ooh, no, sorry.

I'm actually on vacation parasailing with Elizabeth.

You know what though, let me try André, yeah.

- I saw Rocky last night.

- Oh? In a dream.

He was a baby.

[laughs]

Okay, I really need to talk to him.

Ata, I don't want to put words in Rocky's mouth, but I think I know what he'd say.

Boys test boundaries, and you've got to show him that it's not okay.

I agree.

You need to bring the hammer down and nip this in the bud.

- [indistinct]

- Yeah, you got this, Ata.

You're the boss.

Ohh, yeah! - Dig it, yeah! - You are a lioness.

- Let me hear you roar.

- [line chirping]

Oh, I've got another call.

Hey, it's Stephanie from Jazzercize.

You signed up for an afternoon class and didn't show.

- Ata, I didn't know you did Jazzercise.

- Oh, it is so good for you.

Sorry, Stephanie.

You're on a conference call.

Yeah, Ata's son disrespected her, but she's gonna handle it on her own.

- For sure.

- Right.

He's gonna try and test me? No.

- I'm the boss of that boy! - And? I am a lioness! [overlapping chatter]

I love how supportive this call is.

While the room's hot, any advice what I should say to my sister when she asks for money? [lively classical music]

I'll just tell her I'm broke.

[Wang Chung's "Fire in the Twilight"]

Oh, that's the stuff Karen likes.

- Pink Ice.

- Yeah, how do you know? Karen told Bonnie, Bonnie told me.

Oh, me and Bonnie are dating now, man.

She liked the way I handled the whole note passing thing.

Dude, that's great.

Yo, we should all go on a double date.

That would be amazing.

Yo, we could do our bits, man.

Ooh, yeah, after this let's cruise through Chess King so we can five-finger discount some new outfits.

- [chuckles]

- Yes, hello.

Pink Ice.

Your ladies have exquisite taste.

Oh, not me.

Mine wants a chunky necklace from someplace called Chico's.

How much is this one? That's 99.

99.

Do you have anything that looks like it starts with a nine but actually starts with a two? Let me show you our most affordable option.

- The stud earrings.

- There you go.

Burning to face us He is burning I don't see anything.

Here, let me help you.

Fire in the twilight There.

There it is.

Do you see it? There.

- Uh - Dewey! How dare you get off that bus and walk away from me? As far as you're concerned, I am the law and you will obey me.

Mom, we're in Zales.

I don't care if we're in Zales.

You are grounded for two months.

- Two months? - And don't think grounding means you're gonna watch TV and eat waffles.

You're coming with me.

I'm putting you to work.

Okay, just calm down.

Do you think you can just tell me to calm down? - Well, I - It doesn't matter what you think! Come on, let's go.

And you better be looking at those earrings as an apology gift for me.

You can see those? I see everything.

You're not done till I can see my face in the reflection.

- Yes, ma'am.

- I'm impressed.

I tried disciplining my daughter once when she crashed her Audi, but then she crashed my Audi.

And now we're down to one Audi.

After we finish here, I'm taking Dewey to apologize to the boy he hit.

Making amends.

Oh, that reminds me.

Did you see the Sally Jessy episode about people who talk to ghosts? No, I was hoping you recorded it.

Oh, I did, and it's a doozy.

I'll get the tape for you right after I write you a check for the week.

- Is that pug dog a purse? - Yes.

Don't you love? It's Judith Leiber.

She makes jewel-encrusted bags shaped like fun things.

[barks]

I've got the frog, the sleeping cat.

And I'm on the waitlist for the pork chop.

Ohh, they're gorgeous.

Like feminine trophies.

- Mm-hmm.

- Dwayne, grab some polish and give this purse shelf a once-over.

- But I'm mopping.

- After you mop.

Yes, ma'am.

The "ma'am" is everything.

"I'm sorry for what I did to you.

"And I know saying I'm sorry "doesn't excuse the pain that I've caused you, Kevin.

"But I hope in a small way "it can be a part of the healing process, "and I hope one day you and your family "will be able to forgive me.

"I know it will be sometime "before I'm able to forgive myself.

Sincerely, Dwayne Douglas Johnson.

" Thank you for that, Dwayne Douglas.

And yes, I do forgive you.

[whispered]

I'm proud of you for doing that.

[whispered]

Thanks, Mom.

That was lovely.

His father and I prayed for this moment.

Thank you.

I have to say, I'm impressed with how well you're handling all this as a single mom.

I have a husband.

I'm not a single mom.

- Oh, I just assumed.

- You assumed because I'm Oh, heavens no.

No, not at all.

No, no.

No.

What did you think I was gonna say? Uh what were you gonna say? - Young.

- Exactly.

No, you don't seem that young, is what I was saying.

But you're youthful.

[clears throat]

Sorry again, bro.

My dad prayed to God to damn your soul to hell.

- What? - God owes my dad a favor, and for that favor he asked God to curse your soul to eternal damnation for laying hands on me.

Just thought you should know.

Eternal damnation? That's a bitch move.

Getting his preacher dad to use his powers like that.

My mom said not to sweat it 'cause she thinks his dad's a r*cist.

By the way, your mom was like a total badass.

Me and the Zales guy talked about it for a while.

Also, I learned some, like, cool stuff about Zales.

I have never seen her like that.

My dad is usually the one that gets all riled up.

Do you think you can get out of being grounded tonight? Because I talked to Bonnie, and the four of us are doing that double date.

Yeah, I'm gonna tell my mom I'm going to bed early then sneak out.

- Where are we going? - T.

J.

Crispy's.

Want to see the present I got her? - What is it? - It's a marble egg, man.

- What does it do? - Look expensive.

What is that, a marble egg? Looks expensive.

Thank you.

You get Karen a present yet? Yeah, I got her something real nice.

[mid-tempo music]

What? Ata, what are you doing here? I watched that Sally Jessy episode you gave me.

I needed to talk about it immediately.

The part where the ghost says, "I am Jackie, and I forgive you, ' goosebumps.

Then the phone rang, and I almost peed my pants.

[laughter]

Oh, I brought wine.

So if you got a corkscrew and two glasses, - I'll just wait here.

- Oh, Yellow Hill.

Listen, Ata, I'm walking into the kitchen and I'm not gonna bring out your wine.

I'm sorry, but I think we'd both be happier drinking one of my Grenaches.

It's from France.

Yours says it's from Nevada, and I'm just not familiar with What are you doing? I was this fell.

The shelf must be wobbly and it slid off, or I don't know what made it fall, but it fell, and - Dwayne stole it.

- What? He took it, and I was trying to put it back.

I am so sorry.

I'm so embarrassed.

I didn't even want to tell you, but obviously I'm not as good a liar as my son.

- Well, why would he do that? - I don't know.

Dewey's always been such a good kid, but now he's punching people, disobeying me, stealing.

At first I thought this isn't like him, but what if it is? What if this is who he really is? There is a difference between good kids who make mistakes and kids like my daughter, who just wanna watch the world burn.

I don't know your son, but I feel like I've gotten to know you.

You raised a good kid.

Thanks for saying that, but I honestly don't feel like I'm doing a good job at all.

I thought being stricter with him would help, but it hasn't.

I just want to talk to Rocky.

He'd know what to do.

I think you know what to do.

Do you remember that Sally episode we watched about princess syndrome? You're just waiting for someone to come along and rescue you, make it all better.

But the only one who can make it better is you.

We are our own knights in shining armor.

I love that episode.

Yeah, it started off a little shaky with the whole obese twins thing, but then it really picked up.

Mom, look, none of these clothes are mine.

I know.

They belong to the places you stole them from.

No, they just forgot to take the security tags off.

I found the purse, Dewey.

Diane's purse? Sit down.

[sighs]

I tried punishing you like I did when you were little, but you're not a kid anymore.

You're becoming a man, so I'm gonna talk to you like one.

What's going on? I hate not having things.

- You have things.

- Nice things.

Girls only look at you if you have designer clothes or you drive a cool car or you live in a big house.

And if you don't, you basically don't exist.

You think I don't want nice things? I don't want to be cleaning other people's houses, taking the bus.

I thought you loved the bus.

The bus sucks.

I know the bus sucks.

But your dad's not earning the way he used to, so I'm doing what I need to do for our family, while you're just being selfish.

It's not like I'm hurting anybody by taking some shirts from department stores.

First off, you literally hurt someone.

You punched a classmate.

And you stole from my client.

She has a thousand purses.

She would never miss it.

You need to hang around rich people more.

They notice everything.

And guess who's the first person to get blamed if something goes missing.

I could have lost my job, which pays for this apartment you hate, the clothes you're embarrassed of, and those waffles you love.

Do you know how many Eggos you eat, Dewey? Not even Eggos.

You buy the generic toaster waffles.

Because you inhale so many, we can only afford the generic.

I'm not looking for a thank you.

I do those things because I love you and I'm your mom, but it's been hard, and I can't have you making it harder.

Okay.

I'm sorry, Mom.

I'll be better.

Take these trash bags and fill them with the clothes you stole, so you can donate them.

Where are you going? The clothes are right here.

- There might be more.

- [groans]

[phone rings]

- Hello.

- Hey, babe.

I heard you were looking for me.

- Everything okay? - Well yeah, actually it is.

I was calling to tell you that Dewey got suspended from school for fighting.

Did he win? Uh, I mean, uh, he did? It's okay, I handled it.

How's everything going over there? Oh, it's great.

The convention was nuts.

Abdullah the Butcher says hi.

Anyway, I'll be back tomorrow morning.

I just got a couple more meetings tonight.

Come on, Rocky, we're all going to the bar.

Oh, okay.

Sounds like an important meeting.

Babe, you know I've been struggling to book matches.

You know how it is, I gotta schmooze.

Wrestling deals are made over a six-pack of beer and country music H-hello? Ah.

No follow-up questions, please.

So in my first effort to do better, I'm gonna tell you I was planning to sneak out tonight - and meet some friends.

- Appreciate the honesty.

- [phone rings]

- Don't answer that.

No follow-up questions, please.

Okay, fair, but I was thinking, what if me and you order some food instead? No way, I don't believe that's true.

I'm telling you, it's true.

She had never seen a porta potty before? She had never seen a porta potty before the flea market, yes.

She almost started crying.

She said she was wearing her red boots.

Still, she was super into Dad's match once it started.

She really loved it.

What's this girl's name again? Fine-A Good-Grades Karen.

Well, I like that nickname.

I hope you're not upset about missing dinner with your friends.

They'll survive without me.

I can't believe it.

He stood me up.

Karen, I'm sure Dwayne's dead on the side of some highway, okay? That's what it would take for him to not be here.

I've never been stood up before in my life.

Bonnie, is this what this feels like? It is, and it'll stay with you.

[chuckles]

All righty, time to settle the bill, right? Bonnie, obviously, I got you covered since you're my date, but Karen I had a Diet Sprite.

And three chicken wings from the shared appetizer.

I counted the bones.

So doing a little math here.

That is 1.

50 plus 3.

99, plus tax and tip.

[playing ukulele]

- No, Mom.

- [chuckles]

Hey, come on, we're having a fun night.

You used to love singing this song with me.

Yeah, when I was a kid.

You're never too old to sing.

Don't go breaking my heart I couldn't if I tried [laughs]

Oh honey if I get restless Sing.

Baby you're not that kind BOTH: Don't go breaking my heart - You sound good.

- [chuckles]

BOTH: You take the weight off of me [laughter]

Oh, hey, Mom, I'm gonna drop those clothes off at Goodwill after breakfast.

Thank you.

I'm off to Jazzercise.

Have fun.

Oh, and by the way, we're out of Sim's Market Brand Toaster Quilted Pancakes.

I'll stop by the store on my way home.

Yeah, I really put my mom through it, but she never gave up on me, and she always showed me what true strength really is.

It's that mama bear mentality.

Exactly, and that's why I have such respect for strong women, because I was raised by one.

So is your mom your running mate? [chuckles]

No, although she would love that.

But the person I will choose will share similar qualities.

Well, I'm sure I speak for America when I say we can't wait to see who you choose.

And also we have a little bit of a surprise for you.

Is this mic working? - [laughter]

- Hello? - Mom, we're here.

- Dewey, hi, Dewey.

Oh, I love that you still call him Dewey.

Oh, even when he's president I'll still call him Dewey.

- Mom.

- Yes, President Dewey? - Mom, please.

- Oh, President Dewey.

- That has a nice sound to it.

- No, it doesn't.

Yeah, no, it doesn't.

So, Mrs.

Johnson, do you think your son can become the next President of the United States? Absolutely.

When Dewey says he's gonna do something, he will do it, and you will smell - No, Mom.

Oh, Mom.

- What President Dewey is cooking.

- [laughs]

- That's my mom.

That's Mom.

Okay, that's enough.

Bye bye.