01x07 - Romance

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Everything I Know About Love". Aired: Jun 7, 2022 - present.
Following the lives of two best friends as they navigate their early 20s in London.
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01x07 - Romance

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Manhattan by Cat Power I always thought the further you travel away from home, the further you can get away from yourself.

So it came as a shock when I went to the most exciting place in the world and I realised you can't leave yourself behind.

Your reflection stays the same in every time zone.

Jade? And your insides don't change either.

Jade, I know you had a bit of a big night last night after we wrapped but, as you know, it is the last day of filming today.

Jade?! f*ck off! Right, fine.

We just won't have you in the big finale party in the Chrysler Building, which is a shame because you've been so central to the whole New York episode, and we know how much the audience love you.

And that American guy you fancy with the lovely yacht is definitely going to be there.

Why are you so obsessed with me? Two vodka martinis.


Cheers to another great series.

Glad I didn't sack you.

Well, so am I.

Oh, don't cry, for f*ck's sake.

I'm not.

So how do you think the New York episode went? Good.

I'm really happy with how we tracked those main love stories .


although I do wonder if in the next series we could move away from all the romance stuff and find some new things to follow.

Maggie, this show is about romance.

If we weren't following their relationships, we'd be filming them buying watches and getting their arseholes waxed.

Besides, all anyone wants to watch is romance.

Believe me, I've been doing these shows for enough years, and all anyone cares about is love.

Have you been to New York before? No.

I really wish I had more time to see it.

Well, you should stay a few more days.

Change your flight, it's easy enough.

I can't.

Why not? You haven't taken any holiday this year.

I don't have the money and I don't know anyone here.

What is this thing about money? f*cking hell, you lot are so prissy.

I was 22 when I first came to New York.

By the time I bought my plane ticket, I had 50 quid to my name.

Do you know how I got from JFK to Manhattan? Walked it.

Five and a half hours across the freeway.


People were just like that back then, you know? It was a different time.

I would have loved to have been in my 20s in the '90s.

You couldn't have handled it.

Anyway, I go straight to the West Village into this dive bar, and I meet this guy, this handsome actor guy.

Do you know what? I shouldn't really be saying this, I can't say any more.

All right.

It was Ethan Hawke.

No way?! Yeah! We spent the week together and I live off those memories.

Oh, honestly, man Right.

It's time for adventure, young Maggie.

See you in the office in the new year.

Hi, it's Nell.

Leave me a message.

Unless you're my mum, in which case, yes, Mum, I've turned off my straighteners.

Change of plan.

I'm staying in New York for a bit.

I've found a really bohemian little holiday apartment.

Don't talk me out of it.

Love you.

Almost Time For Christmas Day by David Tobin and Jeff Meegan Yeah, sure I'm Maggie.

What are your names? Helen.

I'm Mark.

Hello, Helen and Mark.


It sounds ideal out there.

Wow, it's nice to have a taste of home.

Well, I'm not Irish, I'm English, but, you know, similar.

Anyway, I mean Sorry, just I didn't mean that.

It's not similar at all.

It was very offensive.

I mean, we're all a bit Irish, aren't we? Like, we've all got a slightly Celtic nan, so Don't all American people think they're a bit Irish? Not me.

I don't.

Well, then, what are you doing in here, you heathens? Get out of me pub! So whereabouts do you live? I'm sorry, we're just in the middle of something.

Do you mind if we? Hello? Hi.


I don't know if Amara and Nell told you, but I've extended my stay here.


Okay, Okay.

So I won't be there to say goodbye to you tomorrow.

That's all right.

Thanks for letting me know.

How's packing? Yeah, it's good, good Yeah.

How's New York? It's great.

You always wanted to go there.


Any plans for your last night in the house? Oh, Nell and Amara are making me dinner.

That's nice.

Well, good luck with the move.


Bye, Birdy.

Bye, Mags.

So there's a six pack of beer and a quarter of whisky.

I'm going to need some ID.

Oh, I don't think I have it.

I was born in 1988 and I can quickly list all the things I remember, to prove it.

Game Boys, smoking indoors, not recycling, MySpace, parents who drink-drive, the wireless Oh, yes.

Aww Finally, I've made a friend in New York.

I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday by Wizzard Hey! Hey! I can't believe you stayed out there.

Oh, yeah.

It's just for a few days.

I fancied an adventure.

We didn't think you'd pick up.

We thought you'd be out.

What time is it there? Uh 11.

- Where are you? - In my apartment.

I'm just heading out, actually.

Where are you going? A club in the West Village.

Ooh, who with? This really fun couple I met today in an Irish bar.

That's wild.

Are they after a threesome? Probably.

I mean, they wouldn't leave me alone.

It's 4am in Camden, where have you guys been? Out.

Dancing? Whole hog.

I miss you guys.

We miss you, too.

Did Birdy come out? Nope.

Well, she came for dinner, talked about Nathan, and then she headed straight back to Nathan.

She's just checked out.

Was dinner nice? Other than the few digs she made about me and Simon, yes.

Who else are you going to be hanging out with whilst you're out there? Erm, dunno yet.

You should try that dating app Tourism.

It's a good way to make friends in a new place, apparently.

As long as you don't use your passport photo again.

Honestly, Mags, it's the worst picture I have ever seen.

It's like a mix between a mug sh*t of, like, an unrepentant woman who's just chopped her husband's dick off, and, like, a fraggly-headed Uh, have fun, you guys, got to go! Bye.

- Is she Okay? - I don't think so.


I was in here earlier.

I had my passport.

I left my passport.

It was here.

I left it just here.

No-one's handed anything in? No, I'm sorry.

Would you mind keeping an eye out, just in case someone hands something in? Sure.


Hey, taxi! f*ck! f*ck! Sorry, sorry.

Can I go to 323 Deloney Place, Greenpoint? Sure.

Can I get you a beer? Mm-hm.

- Can I smoke? - Oh, yes.

So is it Jean, or would you prefer John? I don't mind.


There's nothing worse than an English person doing an overly enthusiastic French accent.

Then again, also nothing worse than an English person speaking French with an English accent.

So what to do? So where are you from in France? Montpellier in the south.

- And did you move here for work? - You talk a lot.

I know.


Take this off? Yeah.

What was that? Oh, my roommate next door.

Why is he knocking? It's a code we do.

Oh, sweet.

Like Boy Scouts.

Uh, no, he wants to know if he can sleep with you.

Why would I want to sleep with him? Um, so I can watch.

I don't I don't want to do that.

I thought you said you were looking for fun.

Not that kind of fun.

No, I don't want to, no.


Okay, fine.

It's fine.

I-I can't do it.

What? Get hard.

Unless someone watches me.

I can't.

Jesus f*cking Christ! I don't know the address of where I'm staying and my phone is broken, so It's fine.

You can stay here.

It's fine.

I don't mind.

Shit! Shit! Hey, sorry, could you help me for a second? I'm lost and I need directions to the Lower East Side.

I don't know.

No? Okay.

Hey, excuse me.

Could? No? Hi, how are you doing? Do you know how to get to the Lower East Side? Do you know how I can? No? Okay.

- Hi! Any luck? - Oh, no.

I'm sorry.

Do you mind if I? Hey, good boy.


It really doesn't matter What's taking you so long?! I'm just trying to pay for my Metro card, but the machine isn't working.

It's been working for everybody else.

I know, but it keeps asking me for a zip code.

Just pay, already! But I'm trying to pay! But the stupid f*cking cocking Oh, what the f*ck?! Can I help you? I can't pay for the Subway without putting my zip code into the card machine, right? But I don't have a zip code, I have a postcode, because I live in England, and it won't let me put letters into the machine.

And I don't know how many numbers a zip code is and my phone's broken, so I can't find out.

One, one, two, two, two.

That's my zip code.

You can use that any time you want to ride the Subway.

One, one, two, two, two? Perfect.

And it doesn't matter if I don't live there? Oh, no.

That just unlocks the machine and lets you pay.


There you go.

Got your key to New York now.

It's not at all what I expected.

What do you mean? I've been thinking about New York since I was a kid, so I built up such an idea of it in my head.

Really? Yeah.

Every movie, every sitcom.

I feel like I've studied America.

Well, how's it different from what you thought? Looks the same.

It's like I'm walking through a movie all the time, but the people are so rude.

I mean, come on - surely someone must have warned you that New Yorkers are rude? Yeah, but I thought they'd be rude in a fun way like You want that with cheese, it's an extra dollar.

Yes or no? But no.

It's all the staff at the airport acting so suspicious of why you're here.

Like, yeah, of course we're here.

We've been watching Nickelodeon our whole lives.

You can't export your entire culture to us and then expect us to not want to come see it for ourselves.

Everyone's so serious.

I was in the supermarket yesterday, buying an apple, and I picked up the apple I was going to buy and smelt it, and the security guard told me I wasn't allowed to sniff the fruit.


That's what I wasn't expecting about New York, the obsession with rules.

I don't know.

I like rules.

You're like my best friend Birdy.

She can't enjoy anything without knowing the rules first.

Rules just help people feel safe.

It means everyone knows where they stand.

So what do you do? I work for the government.

No?! Mm-hm.


City and community planning.

I'm taking your notes on board, by the way.


What are you doing with the rest of today? Nothing.

Why? Do you want to corrupt this earnest American with some of that British punk spirit? f*ck, yeah.

Yeah? Yeah, let's go and sniff some fruit and f*ck shit up.

Is this Central Park? - This is Central Park.

- Haven't heard of it.

The one and only.

Really? Well, you're in for a treat.

#That you'll worry, and I'm already miles away Oh! You did it! So, so beautiful.

- Do you see that gap right there? - Mm-hm? Now, sometimes, sunrise and sunset lines up perfectly with the east-west streets of Manhattan's main grid, so these pink lights shine right through the centre of the city.

It's one of my favourite days in New York.

Do you want me to walk you back to where you're staying? I really, really don't.

Do you want to come back to my apartment? I could cook us both dinner, but only if you'd like to.

You know, my old roommate moved out a couple of months ago, my new one isn't arriving until the week after next.

And even if he were here, you would not have to have sex with either or both of us.

So if you want to stay over, you can, and I can sleep in the other room.

Thank you.

Why do you have a photo of Copenhagen on your wall? Because I like Copenhagen.

I took that photo.

What? Nothing.

You're just so straightforward.

Like, in the best way.

I can't remember being in such a sincere flat.


Tell me, what does an insincere flat look like? I used to date this musician, and he lived in this house that was dripping in this kind of knowing irony.

Mm? I couldn't work out what was a joke or what was real, or what he actually liked or what he liked as a subversion.

Well, I never date musicians.

I know, but I couldn't help myself.

What's your apartment like? In London? It's a house in the middle of Camden, which WAS the coolest place in London, until the last couple of years.

When I moved in, basically.

Do you have roommates? Who do you live with? Three friends.

Amara and Nell, who I met at uni, and Birdy, who I think I already mentioned.



We've known each other since we were 11.

But she's moving out.

Today, in fact.

Did you take this one too? Mm-mm.

I know what you're trying to do, and it's not going to work.

At least let me try.

I am heavier than I look.

I am.

I'm heavier than I look.

No, no! Put me down! I will not be offended! No I will not be offended, Okay? I'm very tall and I have very heavy bones.

This is hot.

This is so, so hot.



I'm I'm going to go, but do you mind if I work out how to get back to my apartment, first, because my phone's still not switching on? Sure.

You know, you also don't have to go.

Probably should, I need to sort out this passport.


You might be waiting a while, so if you need company, I'm all yours.

This tea is disgusting.

I'm sorry, what now? You are so, so fit, and really lovely, - and really good at sex - Mm-hm? .


but you can't make tea for shit.

This tastes like the water that was drained out of the washing up.

What are you talking about? I'm going to teach you how to make a proper cup of tea.

This is rude, I hope you know, and you're I've been such a gracious host and you have just Never! Teabag.

Mm-hm? Hot water.

Mm-hm? Then add milk, right? No! No? You wait two minutes before you put the milk in.

Wait two minutes? You've got to wait two minutes, yeah.

Keep an eye on the clock.

Keep an eye on Keep an eye on the time.

Au Cinema by Lianne La Havas Margaret Marshall? It's got to be this one.

It's nice and bushy.

What sort of person looks at - the bottom of a Christmas tree? - A Christmas tree needs girth! Why did you get the light end? Well, you're the one who wanted girth for the bottom of the Christmas tree.

You're roommate who moved out? Mm-hm? Was she a girl? She was.

And was she your roommate, or was she your? She was my Is that Okay? Yeah, of course it is.

It was right that we ended.

But it is weird, though.

She knows me better than pretty much any person I've ever known.

So a world without her feels .


like a scary wall.

Tell me about your break-up With Birdy? We don't really talk any more.

I meant the musician guy.

Oh! That was so long ago.

You could barely call it a break-up.

It was more of an inevitable fizzle.

Tell me about her, then.

She met someone and fell in love for the first time.

I felt like I was being replaced, and she suddenly felt like I was a burden or something.

We never used to argue.

No-one could believe how little we argued in 13 years.

But we didn't.

The thing that's always worked is that we're so different.

I'm Maggie.

I'm Birdy.

Ever since we were kids, we've just known how the other one works.

All of the things we don't like about ourselves, and there's things we love about each other.

She made me feel safe, and I think I made her feel more courageous.

We knew what would make each other laugh or cry.

That's how she always made me feel.

Like I'm the only one who can make things right.

She never, ever saw me as a problem, I was only ever her solution.

And I don't want to go home tomorrow, but .


I can't stay here.

I want to say something, but it makes no sense.

What? I love you.

And I don't want you to think that I'm, like, dangerous or crazy or anything like that, and I know I can't really love you because I've only known you for, like, 48 hours.

But I just feel like .


I could love you.

f*ck it.

I already love you.

I know where I'm going.

I've written it down.


I mean, you really should just stay.

Where would I live? With me.

Where would I work? I don't know.

You can get some bill-paying job, - you can write on the weekends.

- All right.

What about when your ironclad immigration system tries to send me home? Then, I'll f*cking marry you.

Is that what you want to hear? Because I'll do it.

I will.

I'll walk you down to City Hall tomorrow morning, I'll marry the hell out of you.

Then you can stay as long as you want.

If you told me a week ago that I'd meet Clark Kent in New York, and he'd say he'd marry me to have me stay in America, I mean .


it's all I've ever wanted.

But I have to choose reality for once.

I'll call you as soon as my phone's working.

Thank you.



Mother's intuition.

Nell rang me.

She was worried about you.

Oh, hug! Ooh.

Let's grab a hot drink before we get in the car.

I've missed you.

Oh, I've missed you.

I always miss you.

How was New York? Was it fun? Just like the movies? Not really.

What did you do? What did you see? Well, I couldn't really do much because I only had, like, $80 for the whole week, so I just drank in my cockroach-infested apartment.


And then I was bored and lonely, so I went on this dating app to meet someone.

Apparently, it's a thing, like, a good way of making friends in a new city.


Except, I didn't make a friend because I ended up at this absolute creep's place, who tried to make me have an orgy with his flatmate.

Oh, and my phone fell in a puddle and broke.

Oh, you should have put it A bag of rice.

I know, but it doesn't always work, though, Mum.


And then I met this man, and he was so lovely.

And he made me feel really safe, for some reason.

It's not a feeling I ever really have around boys.

And then he told me he loved me, even though he'd only known me for two days.

So he's either the man I'm meant to end up with and I'll probably never see him again, or he is just completely deranged.

You take your time.

I've got the new Hilary Mantel on audiobook.


You're an extraordinary person, Maggie.

I know you don't think you are.

And I know you think I'm only saying that because I'm your mum.

And maybe I am only saying that because I'm your mum.

But You don't I know I'm embarrassing you, but just let me say something and then I won't say it again.

I think that you are looking for an extraordinary kind of love, but I I don't think, for what it's worth, that you want to be loved in an extraordinary way.

I think what you want is to be loved plainly and quietly, without spectacle or anxiety.

Like Birdy loves you.

And I know it's fun for now to set off all sorts of b*mb in your own life.

But, one day, as hard as it is to believe, you won't need to, because things will be dramatic enough.

There'll be sickness and breakdowns and bankruptcy.

And I know you think Dad and I are obsessed with cancer, but honestly, there'll be so much f*cking cancer everywhere.

Every day, it'll be like a weather report for it, Monday pancreatic, Tuesday testicular, Wednesday ovarian.

The world will feel like a w*r zone.

And And you want the person you love to feel like peace.

Someone who'll listen to you and make you laugh.

Do the crossword with you at breakfast.


I'm finished now.

Thank you.
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