01x03 - The Bulldozer

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Baby". Aired: April 24, 2022 - present.
Natasha's closest friends are all having babies and then her life takes an unexpected turn when she ends up with a baby of her own.
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01x03 - The Bulldozer

Post by bunniefuu »

Okay... What the
f*ck is goin' on?

It would be better if we
could talk in private.

I want to help you.

- Help me do what?
- k*ll him.

Are you f*ck' jokin'?

- You left him in a field.
- I didn't actually leave him.

Well, you wish you had.

Failure of nerves.
Completely understandable.

He'll bulldoze your life,
destroy your relationships,

and when he's got you
completely to himself,

he'll destroy you.

It's what he does.

You have to k*ll him.

: I'm not...

I don't even know you.
Yeah? This is mad.

I'd like you to leave... now.


My memory stick.

Thank you.

For the next one.

Take care.


What do I have to do?

Mrs. Eaves: Get him to sleep.

Natasha: Why?

We need the element of surprise.

Sam: Bobbi? Bobbi?

Hi. Can you take a look at
this pocket for me, please?

- It's just catchin'.
- Okay.

Yeah, we need a shred
more volume in this.

Card's catchin' on the seam.

Uh, more volume will make
it bulky, so I don't...

But the trick'll work smoother.

Yeah, but the look
has to be super tight.

You know, that's my thing.

"Where could she
possibly be hiding it?"

All right, well, take it off,

and I'll take a look later.

Take it off?

You want me to

take it off, do ya?

Wanna play "find
the magic bean"?


But... first, I really
want to practice.


You promised.

- Oh, but, maybe, we wanted...
- You promised.

- All right.
- Yes, yes!

When we first met, we were
two very different people.

But then, we fell in love.

And became one.

- Okay, you need to hold your hanky up a bit higher.
- A bit higher.

- Yeah, sure.
- Yeah, okay.

And became one.

But then, we realized
that there was a hole.

And we found that it was a

baby-shaped hole.

And the only way
to fix it was...

Both: With love!

So, please give us a baby,

and we promise to
fill it with love.

- You are so cheesy.
- She's gonna love it.


One more.

Go to sleep.

Shh, shh, shh.

- Go to sleep.
- Mrs. Eaves: Try singing to him.

Go... to... sleep.

Go to sleep.


What is wrong with you?

He knows.

Hang on.

- Mags : Tash?
- Mags!

What's the name of that thing that
you use to get Raffi to sleep?

- Mags: The BunBun?
- The BunBun. Yes!

Where are you now?

- Mags: I'm out.
- Yeah, where?

Mags: Universe of Fun.

But, Tashi, it's invite only...

Let's go.

Announcer 1: Welcome
to Universe of Fun,

where the fun never stops.

Leave the grownups at the door.

Announcer 2: You're
approaching Universe of Fun.

Passport Control.

Two, please.

Do you guys have your passports?


Are you a distinguished citizen,

honorable citizen, or
just a regular citizen?

We're not any kind of citizen.

Then that'll be 32 pounds.


Tash, what are you doin' here?

Natasha: I need to
borrow your BunBun.

- Who are these people?
- It's my Bump and Baby group.

- Natasha: The BunBun?
- I won't let my BunBun out of my sight.

- Ooh, so can I have the BunBun?
- Retro pram. Love it.

And who's this
little monster then?

Cake time.

Come on, Amy. This way.

Mags! The BunBun.

Where's your f*cking BunBun?

- What are you doin'?
- Ah!


Look... you can
try it here, okay?

But you cannot take
it out of this room.

And if he likes it,
you can buy one online.

Thank you.


: If you keep doin'
that, this baby will k*ll you.

BunBun: Time to sleep.
Close your eyes.

I feel sleepy. Do you?


Where's Dad today?
Or Mom. God! Sorry.

- Is your partner working?
- I don't have a partner.

Wow. That's f*cking phenomenal.

Mind you, I do
think it's important

for young boys to have a
strong male role model.

You know, that's why it's
so amazing you've got Jamie.

He's such a great guy.

And so bloody gorgeous.


Do you have any secret w*apon
to help get baby to sleep?

Mama's struggling.

Amy: Have you started
hallucinating yet?


I, I was putting Lily
to sleep the other night

and she wouldn't stop crying.

Then Fred and Angus start
screaming bloody m*rder.

Ben sleeps through the
whole thing because,

of course, he's
exhausted from work.

And I, I had this vision

of just swinging Lily's
head against the wall.

Put her back down in the cot,
locked myself in the bathroom

for an hour till the
screaming stopped.

Well, no one really
gets it, do they?

Not unless they're in it.

In the house all day,
and no one to talk to.

- Scream, nap, eat, shit, repeat.

- It's a lot.

Still... this place is great.

Natasha: f*cking yes.

- Ooh!

Announcer: It's
the lollypop song!

Natasha: No, no, no, no, no!

- Hey!

I told you not to
touch the baby!

Jesus Christ,
Natasha! The BunBun!

It's, it's broken! He's broken

the BunBun!

- BunBun: I feel sleepy...
- Christ!

Your baby's upsetting
all the other children.

I think you should leave.

Ugh, you've got to put it in
recline to take the brakes off!

Ugh, how does this
thing recline?

No wonder he doesn't sleep.

You can't just stick him
in anything, you know?

- Ah!

Where's her finger?! Has
anyone seen her finger?!

Natasha: Oh, look at you, yeah?

Like butter wouldn't melt.


Hey. Gimme the...

Gimme the BunBun. I'll fix it.

Why are you so pissed at me?

I'm sorry about your
friend's finger.

You don't get it, do you?

You just bulldoze your way
through every situation.

Like, you turn up... uninvited.

You were rude. You
e-embarrass me...

What, in front of your
Bump and Baby group?

Oh, you think you're so
much better than them?

- Yeah.
- Well, they can tell.

- Good.
- Do you know what, Natasha?

All I want is a best mate

who doesn't judge
me for being a mum.

'Cause you know what?

I already feel like
I'm fighting that

all the time.

It's Bobbi.


She says she needs me.

What should I do?

You haven't seen her
in, like, three years.

You should go, Natasha.

Okay, yeah... All right.

I'm gonna go.

I'll call you later, yeah?

- Love you!

Okay, something's happened.
We're makin' a detour.

Don't do anything f*cked up.

You leave Bobbi alone.

And act normal.

Macadamia nut?

Do ya have a favorite nut?

- Um... I like pistachio.
- Pistachios are great.

I like walnuts... 'cause
they look like tiny brains.

Obviously, if we get a
child, we won't have nuts.

W-We'd be very, very
mindful of allergies.

Will Sam be long?

She's not normally late.

She's super excited.
We, We both are... Yeah.

I'm never late.

I-In fact, I'm
normally early, yeah.

But I wait outside
'til it's time.

- Yay!

What are you doing here?

You texted me?

No, I, I didn't.

I just got a text, Bob.
You said you needed me.

Ugh, sh**t. I must've
texted you by mistake.

I, I was tryin' to
text Sam... Sorry.

So, no emergency then?

- Uh, no.
- Okay.

Well, nice to see you... Bye.

You had a baby.

- But you don't, you don't want a baby.
- Yeah, it's complicated.


I'm Patricia.

- I'm Bobbi's Social Worker.
- Social worker?

She's the nice kind,
Tash. She's lovely...

She's helping us adopt.

- Sorry, you are?
- Her sister.

You said your
sister lived abroad.

Uh, uh, that was, um...

We, literally, never see her.

Yeah, I just... I
thought it would really

m-make better sense, you know,

because we, we never see her.

Well, we need to speak to
all family members, Bobbi.

We talked about that.

Why is it any of your
business where I live?

Sorry. Natasha can be a
bit funny with authority.

We have to go.

I told you to wait
in the f*cking car.

We, literally, never see
her. Like, never, ever, ever.

Well, you're here now, and I'd
love to ask you a few questions.

Now's not a good time.

It won't take long.

Please, Tash.


When was the last time
you saw each other?

Three years ago.

- Nut?
- And what accounted for the break?

Uh, it really wasn't
a big deal, so.

She dropped out of
uni after me and Dad

busted our asses
to get her there,

went to go and live
with our mother,

and decided not to
tell me about it.

Natasha and Mum don't speak,

so I didn't think there was
any point in mentioning it,

and I didn't drop out.

I just... realized I
didn't want to study law.

And that she'd rather be
a children's entertainer.


And your mother left the
home when you were how old?

I was 12, Bobbi was six.

What would you say
accounted for her leaving?

She's a selfish b*tch.

Our mother wasn't thriving
in, in the family unit.

Our, Our dad was
amazing, though,

and Tash helped out with

some of the day-to-day stuff.

Yeah, nothin' too heavy:

Cleaning, cooking, bedtimes,
homework, parents' evening.

You know, just day-to-day stuff.

We met one or two social
workers then, too.

Didn't we, Bob?

Would you say your contempt
of authority figures

is related to your
mother leaving?

You're hardly an
authority figure, love.

When Sam and I first met,

we were, uh... two very
different people.

Uh, sorry, uh...


Realized that

there was a hole...
Sweaty hands.

And we saw that it was
a, a baby-shaped hole.

- We want to fill that hole with love.
- Oh.

Uh, yeah, okay, uh,

perhaps we should
reschedule for another day

when we've had a... a
chance to... regroup.

Bobbi: No, no. S-Sam
will be here in a minute.

Oh... what's this?

- f*ck!
- Ah! Um!

- Uh.

Uh, uh, um.


Oh! It's the, It's
the finger trick...

- Bobbi.
- Uh.

Show her the finger trick.

Yeah, i-it's just, uh, gelatin.

Uh, silly me.
Must've left it out.


All five fingers, yeah?

Now there are four.

Whoop! And now there are five.

Gets 'em every time!

Okay, well

should probably
be makin' a move.

Gimme the baby, Bob.

- Hi.
- Bobbi, give me the baby.

Bobbi... give me the baby.

Mrs. Eaves: Natasha... look.

No way... Is he asleep?

- Yeah.
- How'd you do that?

It's, uh, it's the Mesmer
technique. Saw it on Mumsnet.

Gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme, gimme.


- f*ck is that?
- Okay.


It'll be quick.

Do it now.

You want all this to stop?

Natasha: Yes.


I can't. It's a f*ck' baby.


Bobbi: Natasha?

Natasha, open the door.
I can hear you in there.

Not now, Bobbi! I'm busy!

Bobbi: Please open
the door, Natasha.

I'm not going anywhere
until you open the door.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I brought this. Wasn't
sure if you wanted it back.


Where's the baby?

He's asleep.

He's asleep.

Ah, he's spectacular.

What's going on?


She's my yoga instructor.

She charges by the hour,

so we should probably get...

I don't hear from
you for three years.

You call me in the
middle of the night,

then you turn up at my
house with your baby

acting like that's
not a massive deal...

Look, Bobbi, it's complicated...

I can help you look after him.

Okay, yeah, sure.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I'm sorry I didn't tell
you about the adoption.

It didn't even occur to me
that it's, it's something

that you'd want to know about,

which is, is stupid
'cause, of course,

- you'd wanna know.
- Don't worry about it.

Your baby and our baby
are gonna be cousins.

And I know, I know you're not wild
about Sam, but she's been amazing.

- And we're in a really great place...
- Don't worry about it.

You love her. I
think she's shit,

but I don't have to f*ck
her, so we're all good.

I have to do my yoga now,
okay? So, I'll call you.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Lydia jumped off a cliff...

Yolanda choked on a cookie.

Ines fell onto a railing,

Raquel was decapitated
by a garage door...

Alia was speared through the
nose by a drinking straw.

You are not special, Natasha...
You are going to die.

- Do you want to die?
- No.

Can I k*ll it then?
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