02x09 - Backyard Brawl-B-Q

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic music]

[♪]

Here we go!

Here we go, brother.
You ready?

Oh, I have not
eaten since Tuesday.

Ooh, are these your famous
Whoa Mama cakes?

Good enough to make
your mama say "whoa"

because
you slapped your uncle.

[Randall laughs]

Both: Mm.

- Mm!
- Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Both: Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm,
mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

- [laughter]
- Mm.

You know, I'm kinda surprised
we're doing this.

I mean, the election's
a couple days away

and I know you got
your hands full

with the Dr. Julien situation.

Yeah, but Randall, this
is the best time to do this.

You want to have a cheat day
when the pressure is high,

so you could blow off steam,

otherwise you're just
gonna blow.

You know, this reminds me
of that time in Hawaii

when my grandmother
put my mom in charge

of running her business.

My mom was overseeing
a huge live event

that my dad was a part of,

and it put him
in a high-pressure situation.

All: Tony! Tony! Tony!

Dad!

- Wait, how did we get here?
- Sorry.

Let's go back a few days.

Mean Gene Okerlund here

for Polynesian Pacific
Pro Wrestling.

The Backyard Brawl-B-Q
is only days away.

Aloha Stadium is sold out,

and as we've seen
over the past few weeks,

this island is too small

to contain these behemoths
of wrestling.

Tensions boiled over
at the airport...

- My luggage!
- All tighty whities.

The radio station...

Rocky does the work,
Tony gets the credit.

The parking lot...

[tires squeal]

[chuckles]
Too slow, Andre!

You make big mistake,
Little John Studd!

[echoing]
I'll get you, Andre!

The beaches weren't safe...

[light rock playing on radio]

I hate light rock!

Death to FM radio!

And it was only of time

before a wrestler
took things too far.

Hey Jake, where's your snake?

At home, resting.

Oh, she's resting!

[sizzling]
Resting in pieces!

- [Sgt. Slaughter laughs]
- Desdemona! No!

[rowdy rock music]

Not since Mauna Loa erupted

has an event so epic
occurred on Hawaiian soil.

Everything's coming together!

All my storylines are peaking
for the Brawl-B-Q!

Is the snake gonna be okay?

Oh honey,
it wasn't a real snake.

It was just ground beef

formed into a tube
with some food coloring.

Hey, who brought
guava juice in here?

Ugh.
Dad, it's just liquid fruit.

It's two days before a match.
No sugar in the house.

- Uh!
- Dad!

You know, my dad was
always strict with his diet.

- Especially before a big match.
- Mm.

He had trouble
with impulse control,

so he banned all unhealthy food
from our house.

Babe, you okay?

Are you still upset
about your call with Vince?

You mean when
he told me I was destined

to be tag team partners
with Tony

for the rest of my life?

[laughing]
No!

Why would that upset me?

Meanwhile,

I was dealing with
a new dynamic at school.

[school bell rings]

- Bye.
- Bye.

I'd gotten
friendzoned by Debbie Rose,

but that wound up having
some unexpected benefits.

Hey Dewey.
Sarah likes you.

I thought Sarah was
with Julien.

No, they're done.

She heard you
respected Debbie Rose

and she wants
to be respected too.

So do you like her?

Before you answer,

you should know,
I like you too.

My name's Cam.

Don't tell Sarah.

Cam and Sarah are so rude,

putting you on the spot
like that.

I'm here if you need to talk.
I'm Bethany.

Like the city of Albany,
but Beth.

If Bethany was just
trash-talking Cam and Sarah,

don't listen.

She's saying that
just because she likes you.

Wait.
Bethany likes me now, too?

Uh-huh.

Cam loves you,
Sarah's kinda into you,

Bethany likes you,
and Emily wants you.

Who's Emily?

Me.

Try that on.
Walk around.

See how you feel.

And just so you know,
I'm very jealous.

Hands off Sarah!

We're going though
something right now,

but she loves me
and we're working it out.

- Ugh, Julien.
- The literal worst.

The prosecution
in the Lia Maivia trial

is expected to close tomorrow

with their star witness,
Greg Yao,

who's currently
under FBI protection.

Hmph.

Could his testimony

prove to be the nail
in the coffin for Lia Maivia?

When was that picture taken?

My white lawyer staged it.

I don't know who the baby is.
I didn't ask.

- What on Earth?
- Huh?

What do you want, Yao?

[laughs]
You like my mirror?

Kristen left it in my car!

I just wanted
to with you a good night

before I send you
to the electric chair tomorrow!

[laughs]

Mr. Yao,

you're not supposed to be
fraternizing with Lia Maivia.

FBI!
[laughs]

They're putting me up
in a hotel tonight

where I'll dream of all the
wrestlers I'll steal from you.

The Samoans,
Macho Man, the Big French!

They'll all work for me!
[laughs]

Don't let
that idiot get to you.

We put a plan in motion,
and it's going to work.

Yes, Bob said
everything is taken care of.

- I hope this works, High Chief.
- Me too, Dad.

All: Tony! Tony! Tony!

What's going on?
Where's he going?

Is Rocky abandoning
his partner mid-match?

I think he's lost his head,
Pat.

Wait, wait, wait.
You jumped ahead again.

[chuckling]
Apologies.

It's hard for me to focus when
Unagi prepared in the style

of the Kansai region
is in front of me.

See, I'm a tamago man.
Sweet egg all day.

- Ah.
- [laughs]

So Rocky left Tony
during the cage match?

Well, let me give you
a little context there.

The big match was
still days away

and my mom took the family
out to dinner.

I called all the guys today,

made sure they knew their
storylines for the Brawl-B-Q.

Babe, you're gonna
put on an event for the ages!

[both chuckle]

- Hey!
- Oh, what's Tony doing here?

Soul Patrol has a
huge storyline tomorrow night.

I need you both to be focused
and on the same page.

Apparently I'll be
working with him

for the rest of my career,
so why not add in another meal?

- Tony!
- Hey, brother. Hey, Ata.

Hi, Tony!

Dewey!
What's shakin', little man?

A lot, actually.
Four girls like me.

- Four?
- [chuckles]

This damn kid's
swimmin' in...

- Uh.
- Uh.

Hands to hold.

[soft piano music]

Listen, next time you
with the girls,

you just take a look
at their feet.

That'll tell you
everything you need to know.

Their feet?

You set your peepers
on what's in their sneakers.

Uh, what's...
What are you two talking about?

Nothin'.

Seems like a good time
to go to the men's room.

Oh, there it is.

You eat cake before a match?

Dad doesn't even
let us have guava juice.

You gotta have cake
every now and then, dude.

It's good for the brain.
Come on, take a fork.

When Tony Atlas said,
"You gotta eat cake!"

At that time, I didn't know
what he meant, but I do now.

Don't cheat yourself,
treat yourself.

Mm, that's a
perfect cheat day mantra.

If I wasn't busy eating okra,
I'd write that down.

[both chuckle]

Unfortunately, that was not
something my dad understood.

Son, what are you doin'?
No cake before a big match.

Aw, come on Rock.
He ain't doin' wrestling.

Let the boy enjoy himself.

[♪]

You want to eat
that piece of cake, Dewey?

Go ahead.

Ah-ah!

But before you do,
let me ask you one question.

Do you have standards
for yourself?

Um, yeah?

You see us wrestlers,
we live by a code:

What we will do
and what we won't do.

When your standards start
to slip, you get sloppy.

And when wrestlers get sloppy,
bad things happen.

[♪]

You still want a bite
of that cake?

I did not take a bite
of that cake.

I mean,
your dad made a good point.

He did, no doubt,

and it's important
to live by a code,

but he put so much pressure
on himself

that he didn't need to
and he was bound to blow.

But we're not there yet.

Pasta with butter.

And a diet coke.

Diet coke?

The Big French.

- Are you pregnant?
- No, just have an early night.

Have to be in court
by 8:00 a.m.

For Lia's trial?

It's not looking good
for her, no?

No. It's looking real bad.
[laughs]

That's a shame.
I love the wrestling in Hawaii.

Well, no one says
you have to stop doing that.

In a few days,

I'm going to be the
only promotion on this island,

and I'm gonna treat you
like a king.

- You want to talk business?
- Yes.

Okay, boss.
We talk business.

But I only do it
over a real drink, eh?

Well, let's have
a real drink then!

[chuckles]

I'll have
whatever you're having.

40 whiskeys, please.

From the bottle
shaped like brown butterflies.

Small pours, please.
[clears throat]

[clock ticking]

[soft indistinct chatter]

Your witness
is a half hour late.

Five more minutes and I...

- [door slams open loudly]
- I'm here!

If it pleases the court,
I'm here!

Sir!
Are you not wearing pants?

[gasps from court attendees]

Uh, that is correct,
Your Honor.

These are bike shorts.

That's, uh, butt lettering.

I think they're on backwards.

[Yao panting]

Listen, make this quick, okay?

Don't ask me
any hard questions,

I'm still very drunk.

Greg, what are you doing?

Oh, uh, sorry.
My mistake.

Wrong white lawyer.

[scattered chuckling]

Mr. Yao,

we've seen the FBI tape
of a woman threatening you.

Is that woman
in this courtroom?

Bang-bang.
It's that lady right there.

No further questions.

[Yao slaps table]

Mr. Yao...

What did you do last night,
sir?

Objection.
Relevance.

Your Honor, the question
speaks to credibility and character.

Overruled.

What did you do last night?

[Ram Jam's "Black Betty"]

♪ Woah, Black Betty,
bam-ba-I am ♪

♪ Woah, Black Betty,
bam-ba-I am ♪

♪ Black Betty had a child,
bam-ba-I am ♪

♪ The damn thing gone wild,
bam-ba-I am ♪

Do it!

I am the king
of Hawaiian Wrestling!

I said, do...
[screaming]

♪ Woah, Black Betty,
bam-ba-I am! ♪

[insects droning]

[yelps]

What time is it?

I don't recall.

So you were
black out already?

Objection.
[indistinct murmuring]

Withdrawn.

Great hire.

Your Honor,
at this time the defense

would like to
introduce new evidence:

Mr. Yao's credit card receipts
from last night.

At 3:35 a.m.,

did you visit a Denim Jack's
Tattoos & Piercings?

- No.
- No?

So that's not a fresh tattoo
on your bicep?

Oh, whoa.

Could you to read that
for the court, sir?

It says, "I love dr*gs"?

But it's not finished yet.

It will say,
"I love drug stores."

Do you really expect this
jury to believe that, Mr. Yao?

[indistinct murmuring]

No habla ingles.

Excuse me?

Por favor...

no habla ingles.

Uno, diez...

lo siento.

[sniffles]

'Not guilty' was
the verdict

in the Lia Miavia trial today,

after prosecution's
star witness, Greg Yao,

forgot how to speak English
on the witness stand.

I love the jury.

I am a lady innocent
and they saw that.

Oh, and FBI!

k*ll yourselves.

[overlapping chatter]

My mom and grandmother
knew that, like my father,

a lot of guys in the business
had impulse control issues,

and Greg Yao was no exception,

so they knew if they sent
Andre to run into him,

he'd do anything
to land the big man...

That's right.
Bend the knee.

[Ram Jam's "Black Betty"]

[laughs and sighs]

We'll find something on her.
She'll go down.

50,000 fans
in sold-out Aloha Stadium

are fired up, Pat!

Weeks of bad blood,
dead snakes,

and ruined lives have
all lead up to this,

the Backyard Brawl-B-Q!

[cheers and applause]

[♪]

Hello everyone!
[cheers and applause]

It's good to be back,

but I wouldn't be here without
the help of my daughter, Ata.

She's done such an amazing job

in my unfortunate
and stupid absence!

[cheers and applause]

And also a very special,
giant-sized thank you to Andre.

I hope
you're not too hung over.

I had four omelets
before bed,

and I'm fresh as a daisy.

To Lia.
[cheers and applause]

Before I got here tonight,

I got a call
from Vince McMahon,

and I'm sure a lot
of you got a call, too.

He's putting on an event

that's going
to take our business

to even greater heights!

[applause and laughter]

Okay boys, stay safe,
and let's tear the house down!

[cheers and applause]

Hey Andre.

What was Lia talking about?
Did you get a phone call?

This morning, boss.

Vince is putting on a big match
on pay-per-view.

He's calling it...

- WrestleMania.
- Whoa.

It would
change the sport forever.

How'd Rocky handle
not being selected?

Not well.

Not well at all.

[ominous music]

We've got a full card
tonight, Pat,

With grudges to settle

and a lot of violent promises
to keep.

I wish I didn't have
to blink,

'cause I don't want
to miss a second!

This capacity crowd
none too happy

to see the two gentlemen
come into the ring right now.

Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff

looking unstoppable today,
Gene!

Let's go!
[bell rings]

[Sweet's "Ballroom Blitz"]

[upbeat rock music]

Whoo!

[♪]

[bell rings]

[cheers and applause]

Oh, my God!
It's been 14 days, Pat!

Those underwear are used!

I've never seen a pair
of undies that gigantic, Gene!

Yeah!

Well, it looks like
Andre wins this one by default

since we saw him
toss Big John's Studd's truck

off a cliff!

[truck horn honking]

[cheers and applause]

I'm coming for you, Andre!
You're mine!

[cheers and applause]

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ And the man in the back
said, "Everyone att*ck!" ♪

♪ And it turned
into a ballroom blitz ♪

♪ And the girl in the corner
said, "boy I wanna warn you, ♪

♪ It'll turn
into a ballroom blitz ♪

♪ Ballroom blitz

♪ Ballroom blitz

Steamboat's
letting Savage know

that's what happens

when you mess with
another man's radio, Gene!

[♪]

What's Jake
got in that bag, Pat?

His snake Desdemona's
been chopped up and cooked!

Desdemona may be dead,

but her spawn is here
to avenge her!

I give you... Damien!

[riotous cheers and applause]

♪ It'll turn
into a ballroom blitz ♪

♪ Ballroom blitz

I knew Damien would get over.

Welcome to the show,
little man!

[Ata laughs]

[cheers and applause]

- [electricity thumps]
- [gasps]

[suspenseful music]

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
Hang on.

- Oh, here we go, Pat!
- Whoa!

There it comes!

The cage!

When this cage
comes all the way down

and the match begins,

there's nothing more exciting
in professional wrestling!

[metallic rattling]

[cage clanks deeply]

[cheers and applause]

It's time.

It's time
for the main event!

Rowdy Roddy Piper
and George "The Animal" Steele

led to the ring
by their manager,

Classy Freddie Blassie...

[booing]

[soft dramatic music]

[♪]

And here come their opponents,
the Soul Patrol,

Rocky Johnson and Tony Atlas.

[Ennio Morricone's
"The Ecstasy of Gold"]

[♪]

[cheers and applause]

Go, Dad!

[♪]

That cage looks formidable,
Gene.

And the only way to win

is for both members
to escape the cage!

Only two ways out.

Through the door
or over the top!

And speaking of over the top,
that's how tensions have been

between Rocky Johnson
and Tony Atlas.

Everyone is wondering
if these two

can put their infighting aside
and get a win tonight!

[bell rings]

[♪] [operatic vocalizing]

[♪]

[inaudible]

[♪]

[thudding impact]

[high-pitched ringing]

[tense musical crescendo]

[thudding impact]

Oh, that accidental elbow
from Tony Atlas

has opened up a cut
on Rocky's forehead!

He's bleeding badly.

This is what Dad was
worried about.

Tony got sloppy.

[cheers and applause]

Well, Rocky's back in it,

and he's putting the fist
to Rowdy Roddie Piper.

What a masterful work

by the Soul Patrol
in this cage match!

[cheers and applause]
[chain link rattles]

Rocky the first man
to exit the ring!

This match may be over,
Gene...

But no!

Piper and Steele have
got Tony Atlas!

They're throwing him
into the mat!

Oh, my God.
We're finally here.

- We're back where we started!
- Yes, we are.

Freddie Blassie
has chained the door shut!

Rocky has gotta find a way
to save his partner!

All: Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony!
Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony!

Dad!

All: Tony! Tony!
Tony! Tony! Tony!

[booing]

What's going on?
Where's he going?

Is Rocky abandoning
his partner mid-match?

I think he's lost his head,
Pat.

[booing]

Where is Rocky going?

[door slams open loudly]

[booing continuing distantly]

[panting]

[booing continuing]

[Ennio Morricone's
"The Ecstasy of Gold"]

[riotous cheers and applause]

[♪]

Mom, can you believe this?

♪ [operatic vocalizing]

He's coming back!

- He's coming back!
- Rocky's back!

[♪]

[inaudible]

All: Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!

[cheers and applause]

All: Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!
Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!

Rocky! Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!
Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!

[cheers and applause]

[♪]

Rocky and Tony heading
for the door!

But look! Steele and Piper
are climbing the cage!

The first team
out of the cage wins!

What a match, Gene!

All: Rocky! Rocky!
Rocky! Rocky!

[bell rings]
And the Soul Patrol does it!

The Soul Patrol wins!

I am so proud of you!

Listen to them!
They love it!

I knew they would!

All: Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!
Rocky! Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!

Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!
Rocky! Rocky!

So did Tony get sloppy?

Did he really cut Rocky
by accident?

Oh, no.

It's called "getting color"
in our business.

You just a take razor blade

and little nick
in the right spot.

My dad didn't do it that often,

but my mom had
set up the tension so well

between my dad and Tony

that they both agreed
it would help get him over.

Mm. Rocky must've felt like
he was on top of the world.

[inhales deeply]
He did.

But the problem
with adulation is

it makes you want more.

And the love of the crowd

is one of the most
addictive things there is.

Aside from this
Turnbuckle Fudge,

page 97 of your cookbook,

right after
The People's Steamed Cod.

Oh, you want some cod?

- Um...
- Yeah!

Hey, Frankie!
Let's steam up some cod!

I feel sick.

Remember what I said
about my dad's issues

with impulse control?

So then Rocky, bruddah,
that was one hell of a match.

- Thanks, man.
- [chuckles]

God, it felt good hearing
the crowd chant my name.

Hey, that promoter you work for
in Saudi Arabia

is a fan of mine?

Mm-hmm.

Give me his number.

What about your contract
with Vince?

What about it?

Intro to
Ram Jam's "Black Betty"...