02x07 - That Jing You Do

[bunniefuu]

Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ [laughs]

Ooh! [growls]

- Mommy! - Aaaaaaah! - Duncan! - Duncan! [panting]

Really feel like I crushed it today.

Let's see what a celebrity thinks.

Hi.

This is Padma Lakshmi.

You'll never look like me, but keep trying to meet that impossible standard.

Thanks, Padma.

See ya tomorrow.

- Good morning, everyone.

- [all hiss]

Close the door, you psycho.

It's 11:00 a.

m.

and you're still in pajamas? Quiet.

We're watching "Teen Housewives.

" You look terrible, Brendell.

What's wrong? The twins were up all night and I've got glee club tryouts.

Really, Tylan? On my half birthday? Oh, my God.

Tylan's a d*ck.

He's a bad husband, but an amazing father.

Everybody up.

We're getting out of the house.

Family outing.

Where do you wanna go? Can we go to the bookstore? My animal book is acting weird.

The cow goes, "Barnyard Kids Books makes us pee in plastic bottles.

Unionize now.

" That's a great idea.

The bookstore has something for everyone.

Music, toys, teen mags, toys, and I think books.

[gasps]

Oh, my God! Stephen King! You write books so good! Thanks, lady, but there's a long line because I'm immensely popular.

Okay, but I just love the twist at the end when Carrie goes back to her own planet.

[all gasp]

[crowd muttering]

Nice going.

I'm ruined! Why do they always make me bring my own table? Haunted table.

That's it! The King is back! So here's Pete Townshend smashing his guitar, Hendrix burning his guitar, and Prince, um loving his guitar.

These are the heroes that convinced me to pass up a full ride to Oakdale Community College, - form my own band, and - [laughter]

Fine, but you don't get to see naked John and Yoko! Ew.

Hey, look at me.

I'm a businessman.

I have a mistress in Des Moines.

Ugh, my lumbar is barking.

[device vibrating]

Mia, check it out.

Ab toner.

- [skin rips]

- Dude, you're bleeding.

No pain, no ooh, that looks bad.

A '57 Chevy massage sofa floor model! Just like we always talk about! [chuckles]

ALL: Oh.

Whoa.

[all grunting]

- Oh, we have to have this.

- Yeah, she's a beaut.

Normally I'd try and butter you up to get you to buy it, but you guys are clearly too smart and good-looking for that.

Oh, man.

[all giggle]

Watch your boy haggle.

We will pay anything for this sofa.

You got our relaxed asses over a barrel.

Listen, I'll give it to you for, I don't know, 200 bucks? I don't have that kind of money in my mom's purse.

Okay, I'll hold it until you get the cash.

Watch this.

You've got a deal! [sighs]

Why aren't there any ways - that teenagers can make money? - Papa Moms is hiring.

Nothing! There's nothing! Why don't you buy us the sofa, Mia? I sponsor nine kids and one alpaca in Honduras.

Oh, and I just had to have this nose ring.

[bell dings]

ALL: Mr.

Mitch! Can I interest you in a pedi-cab ride? It's all the fun of speeding in a convertible, but way slower.

Wait, that's not your regular job.

You're our teacher.

These days, teachers need side hustles to buy classroom supplies.

I'm also a telephone psychic.

[phone rings]

Mystic Mitch.

Whatcha wanna know? Yeah, you'll get that promotion and find true love.

No, not him Yeah, him.

Good news, kids, you're getting desks.

It's so unfair that I deliver pizzas and make more than a teacher.

- You do? - Sorry, I thought you knew.

But I'm not raising the next generation oh, the kids in Honduras.

I am.

Never mind.

We have a huge problem, Mr.

Mitch.

We need to buy a massage sofa.

Have you considered participating in the lucrative gig economy? Well, of course.

What's that? You know, grocery shopping for lazy people, driving for lazy people, putting stuff together for lazy people.

- But we are lazy people.

- Oh.

Then just charge scooters.

You pick up scooters with dead batteries, charge 'em up, and the company pays you.

- Sounds complicated.

- No, we could do this.

Thanks, Mr.

Mitch.

Inspired by a teacher.

Who could've figured? [all grunt]

[pedi-cab creaks]

- [phone rings]

- Mystic Mitch.

You'll find the body in the old ravine.

ALL: Whoa! Nah, I'm just playing a mind game with a troubled detective.

Look what I found.

My old high school band has to be in here.

Come on, Jack and the Die Youngs.

- Damn it.

- Toot toot! [gasps]

Locomotive Larry! [breathing heavily]

[light guitar music]

This is a song about the wheels on the bus and how they go! The wheels on the bus go round and round ♪ [watch beeps]

Hey! My community service is over.

So long, brats.

Toot toot! ALL: Aww.

So his wuv was court-mandated? Daddy, you're a singer.

You sing to me every night.

[whispers]

That's my private persona.

My public persona is all about rockin' hard and dying young.

Well, you failed at both, so get up there.

BOTH: The wheels on the bus go round and round ♪ Round and round, round and round ♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round ♪ All through the town ♪ Who's riding on the bus? I don't know.

Some screamin' babies? The babies on the bus go ♪ Wah wah wah, wah wah wah, wah wah wah ♪ - [laughter]

- That's them to a T.

BOTH: E-I-E-I-O ♪ [all cheering]

Yo, Bradley.

Who knew Jing and her pop were so friggin' talented? It's just good to hear wive music again.

We were a hit, Daddy.

We should make a band and be famous like you tried before you fell in love with plumbing.

Today was fun for me too, sweetheart, but I wouldn't want to ruin a father/daughter memory chasing fame.

The music business is a cruel mistress.

One minute you and Wayne promise the music will always come first, then the night before your big break, he tells you his girlfriend's pregnant and he's quitting to become a dentist, so you knock his teeth out and say, "Fix those!" and never speak to each other again.

Daddy, can you stop talking? I'm tired.

But don't turn out the light.

You know I'm afraid of the dark.

Aww, there's nothing to be afraid of, sweetie.

Daddy will never let anything happen to you.

[screams]

[both scream]

Sorry, what I meant to scream was, "Jayden's parents called! They want you to play his birthday party.

" - Daddy, we're a band! - Let's chase fame! Whoo-hoo! Be careful what you wish for.

[kids shouting]

Surprisingly good turnout for Jayden.

He's always biting kids at recess.

Ah, crap, it's a non-sugar house.

I've never played for a sober crowd before.

Remember, it's three songs, Happy Birthday shout-out to Jayden, and we're gone before the zucchini cake.

All right, listen up, dorks.

I know you're not allowed to watch TV, so this is gonna blow your mind.

Give it up for Jack and Jing! - [all cheering]

- Whoo! Yeah! You should always brush all your teeth after meals ♪ After meals! ♪ Gargle, floss, and rinse-spit after meals ♪ [spits]

[laughter]

So do not try to fight us ♪ Or you'll get gross gingivitis ♪ And have a mouth ♪ That's filled with bleeding gums ♪ BOTH: Bleeding gums! ♪ [all cheering]

- Ow! - Jayden likes you.

[snoring]

[cheers and applause]

Time to juice the scoots.

[mischievous music]

[electricity crackling]

- [beeping]

- We got juice.

- BOTH: Yes! - Whoo-hoo! [gasps]

What happened to "Family Feud?" Relax, Grandma.

There's Steve Harvey.

[as Steve Harvey]

Uh, what's a body part that starts with the letter P? [laughs]

Steve's not gonna like this.

Tomorrow at 3:00 for Miley's big girl bed party, and no songs with the word "peanuts" in it because she's allergic.

Got it.

You two are booked solid.

And I am quite the momager.

Oh wait, I get it.

It's mom and manager! Mom mom-man mom-mana ah, crap, I lost it.

Okay, Jing, we wowed 'em today, but it's no time to get complacent.

"Farmer in the Dell" is a crowd-pleaser.

That's why we pull it, and replace it with "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes.

" They won't know what hit 'em.

- Okay.

- Eep! Oh, sorry, I thought you were gonna throw that bowl at me.

You're a lot easier to work with than Wayne.

- I just like having fun with you.

- I'm having fun with you too.

And I feel like a musician again, but without the pressure of trying to become rock stars.

Right this way.

It's your afternoon meet and greet.

Meet and greet? Wow, just like rock stars! Bradley, how you doin', my man? [grunting]

Okay, pose.

Smile.

You're meeting your heroes.

Please exit through the back.

Hey, Jing, as members of the Jing Ring, can we take a piece of trash? Help yourself, Lil Joey.

Anything for my stans.

- Wow.

They're a Heinz family.

- Nothin' but the best.

[children shouting and laughing]

Bath time just cannot be b*at ♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah ♪ Gotta wash your stinky feet ♪ Or I'm gonna barf, blegh! ♪ [laughter]

BOTH: Don't run in front of the ice cream truck ♪ If you want your treat ♪ Look left and right and all around ♪ Or you'll be dead meat ♪ I'm dead.

[laughter and cheering]

Look both ways.

Thank you.

[cheering]

And that's why we don't talk to strangers.

We love you, Oakdale! [cheers and applause]

To the limo! Go, go, go! Whoa! [fabric ripping]

I got browns and grays.

- [scooter dings]

- Scooters' charged.

- Quick.

Let's ride 'em.

- No, we're trying to make money.

Oh, yeah, money good.

What kind of bang we got in that account, Mia? 500 cents? They shouldn't do it that way.

$5? That sucks.

Yeah, to get 200, we're gonna need uh, carry the 12 - I before E except after C - Duncan, your nose is bleeding.

We're never gonna get that sofa.

- Why do I pray? - There's no need for prayer.

Your boy Yangzi's a money god.

$5 is all I need to make that salesman an offer he can't refuse.

You refuse? Sir, I'm begging you.

- Please do not refuse.

- I can't sell it to you, but I don't see a problem keeping it on hold.

Oh, wait, I do see a problem.

Those four gentlemen trying it out.

[dramatic sting]

The Stay At Home Dads? Get your ass off our floor sample.

- [hisses]

- Language.

I'm sorry.

I don't see a sold tag.

We have dibs, you beta males.

There's nothing wrong with staying home and raising your children without any thanks.

Which is why we need this massaging sofa in my man cave, if I'm ever allowed to have one.

I'm sorry your wives won't touch you, but I'll die for this sofa.

- [phone beeps]

- Bridget, it's Tom.

Tom! Can you authorize the card for me? I need $200.

I know it's only Wednesday.

I spent it.

What do you think groceries cost? - Oh, she hung up.

- Jackpot! Naomi's giving me my allowance tomorrow.

A day early.

- All right, Ron! - Yeah! - Ron! - We'll be back tomorrow for the sofa after nap time.

That's noon in adult time.

How are we gonna pick up enough scooters to charge by tomorrow? We don't have a vehicle.

[bell dings]

Get your pedi-cab.

The won't-get-you-there-in-time pedi-cab.

The sweat-on-my-back- in-your-face pedi-cab.

Hey, kids, you're smiling coyly today.

Who always calls me honey ♪ And gives me ice cream money? ♪ My daddy ♪ Who always makes me glad ♪ That I get to be her dad? ♪ My daughter ♪ This is the sweetest song I've ever heard.

- Kimberly, are you crying? - It was just so beautiful.

It's actually a slowed down version of the diarrhea song, but it works.

[phone rings]

A.

H.

E.

, an abbreviation for Annie Harris Entertainment.

A.

H.

speaking.

Are you serious?! Okay, I'm gonna hang up without saying goodbye like they do on TV.

[gasps]

You're playing Ticklepalooza.

Ticklepalooza? That's the festival that launched The Hooley Dooleys, Blippi the Clown, and Caspar Babypants.

You mean Caspar Babypants of the hit song "Noodles and Butter"? Who the hell else would I mean? And it's where the Baby Shark kids were arrested.

Jing, this is everything we've been working toward since last Saturday at the bookstore.

Wait till Lil Joey hears this.

He's gonna say it's friggin' awesome.

Hey, Jing! I just heard about Ticklepalooza! That's friggin' awesome! - Told ya.

- When did that building go up? Daddy, I'm ready to be tucked in.

Tucked in? Tomorrow's Ticklepalooza! We've got one night to come up with a whole new act.

Here's some song topics I'm kicking around: fingers don't belong up noses, don't chew gum in Singapore, something about not petting a dog you don't know.

- Are any of these landing for you? - Can't we just play the hits? Do you think people go see the Stones [chuckling]

just to hear the hits? But Mom says when I get off my sleep schedule, I become a hellion.

When we get discovered, you're not gonna need a mom.

You're scaring me, Daddy.

I thought you wanted this as bad as I do.

Here, rub some of these sugar cubes on your gums.

Legend has it that's how Caspar Babypants stayed up for three weeks to write "Noodles and Butter.

" I don't wanna stay up for three weeks.

You know, you're being a real Wayne right now.

I'm starting to think Wayne wasn't the problem.

You don't care about my band at all.

Your band? Without me, there is no band.

- My cute face puts butts on the grass.

- Get a grip, pigtails.

Without my music, you're just a cute face that pops up and says, "Moo.

" I can get a cow to do that.

[phone beeps]

Chapman's Cattle? That's it! I quit, man! - Not if I quit first.

- [yells]

Get my milk! Oh, I'll get your milk because I love you! [yells]

I love you too! No, I don't need milk.

I'm just fighting with a five-year-old.

Yup.

Yup.

Yeah, it's a band thing.

Not going? What do you mean you're not going? - Ask her.

- Okay, Jing.

- Why are - Don't ask her! She's nothing but fibs and lies! - And he's a meanie! - Oh, that is it.

Ah, Jack, she's your daughter.

And I love her more than anything in the world.

I just never want to talk to her again! She's a five-year-old girl.

She's fragile and sensitive.

And Jing, your father's a middle-aged man.

- He's fragile and sensitive.

- Ah, forget it.

The day we sing together again is when heck freezes over.

No problemo.

I've already written three songs for my poorly-received solo album.

As a wife and mother, this destroys me, but as your manager, I don't care if you get along! I got you sponsored by a kids' health database called "Pediafile" and we don't want to give 'em a bad name.

Fine, I'll do it, but we go in separate cars.

And he can only have the green gummy bears backstage.

Lime?! This isn't gonna work! - Jack.

- F-i-i-i-n-e.

I guess one of us has to be the adult.

[groans]

That's the only hit you'll ever have! You're all hooked up, Mr.

Mitch.

Lead the way to the scooter hot spots.

[grunts]

[upbeat music]

♪ Activate k*ller robotic dogs! - [robot dogs whir]

- Bark.

Bark.

Bark, bark.

Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark.

Ball! [robot dogs beep]

♪ [all cheering]

Be careful what you wish for.

[cheers and applause]

But seriously, folks, people tell me I need to come out of my shell, but I can't.

There's no zipper.

[laughter]

Ooh! The Cheerios on this guy! Good set.

Did you not see the light? - What? - Nothing, nothing.

Good set.

Listen, I know you two are having your differences, but look at all the smiling families - excited to see you.

- You're right, honey.

- They do look excited to see me.

- Those aren't for you.

- The sign says "For Talent Only.

" - Stop topping me! - Stop making it so easy.

- You're on! - Ooh! - Ah! [cheers and applause]

[both growl]

Who always calls me honey ♪ And gives me ice cream money? ♪ My daddy ♪ Who makes me feel glad ♪ That I get to be her dad? ♪ My daughter ♪ Total pros.

Hiding their hatred for each other.

Just like Chip and Joanna Gaines.

There's something goin' on between Joanna and Clint.

Totally.

- ALL: Oh.

- It's beautiful.

And we owe it all to you, Mr.

Mitch.

My calves don't fit in my track suit anymore.

My girl's gonna love these bad boys.

Plug it in, Bex.

To Grandmother's house I go! BOTH: We love each other in every way ♪ You're my shorty ♪ And I'm your bae ♪ ALL: Aww.

You hear that, Jing? - They love my song.

- Oh, it's on.

Who works as a plumber and couldn't be more dumber? ♪ My daddy ♪ Who's afraid of the dark ♪ And is the family narc? ♪ - My daughter ♪ - I'm telling Mommy you said that.

- Uh-oh.

- Do we have a problem? 'Cause the last thing I need is traumatized kids.

[snores]

- Bex, I want my night toast.

- Coming up, Grandma.

[electricity crackling]

Oh, no! - I smell burnt toast.

- You're just having a stroke.

Go back to sleep.

Uh, those scooters are charging really fast.

Yeah, I'm excited too.

[electricity crackling]

[all screaming]

My phone's out there! - No! - He's gone, man.

He's gone.

Who acts like a baby ♪ And is stuck in the '80s? ♪ My daddy ♪ Who cries when she loses ♪ And can't tie her shoeses? ♪ My daughter ♪ Who's losing all his hair ♪ And showers in a chair? ♪ Whose nose is always runny ♪ And thinks there's an Easter Bunny? ♪ Huh? What? Whose lap have I been sitting on? [children sobbing]

No Easter Bunny? Ma! Tell me he's bustin' my basket.

- Get 'em out of here! - ALL: Boo! [gasps]

[electricity crackling]

Okay, I was never here, right? [bell dings]

[crowd screaming]

Daddy! I'm scared of the dark! [crowd screaming]

I'll never let anything happen to you, honey! Look out! Reunited band coming through! For the love of God, somebody flip me! - [crowd screaming]

- Run! Hey, kiddo, can I tuck ya in? Yeah, it's not like the Easter Bunny's gonna do it.

Yeah, sorry about that.

I'm 42 years older.

I should've been more mature.

Sometimes grown-ups have lifelong anger at lost dreams, and it comes out in weird ways.

Will you read me a bedtime story? [soft music]

Start with the Js.

J.

Geils.

Jackson 5.

Jefferson Airplane.

Jefferson Starship.

Ah, go down to the one in crayon! Jing and Jack.

Aww.

You put your name first? - I'll change it.

- Don't you dare.

- Unless you want to.

- [groans]

[moaning]

Sorry we had to use the money to buy my grandma a new toaster.

Nah, this is just as good.

Yeah, there's something about the human touch that's just more satisfying.

- Okay, our turn.

- Yeah, switch.

Oh, yeah, I'm a ball of stress.

[knock at door]

Huh.

Who could that be at this hour? [as the Terminator]

Pet me if you want to live.

- Pass.

- Oh, it's on.

k*ll them all.

[robot dogs beep]

[all scream]