02x11 - Jurannie Park

[bunniefuu]

Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ [laughs]

Ooh! [growls]

- Mommy! - Aaaaaaah! - Duncan! - Duncan! Ah, Papa's in the kitchen flippin' them pancakes ♪ Making 'em bitchin' ♪ Duncan, I can make a quarter disappear, watch.

- [blows sharply]

- No, that's my lunch money.

Aww, it didn't work.

Oh, thank God.

It's fries as an entrée day.

Ugh, I need to be magic by Wednesday for show-and-tell.

Bradley's bringing in a big seashell.

When they hear you're from Boca Raton, they're gonna lose their minds.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, black on the outside, liquid on the inside.

Where's Kimberly? Okay, Kimberly, you just gotta say, "Marcus, you wanna get Froyo sometime?" You can do this.

[line rings]

Oh, hey, Marcus.

[meekly]

It's me, Kimberly.

I was just calling to see, um, if there's school today.

On a weekday? Yeah, there's school.

Interesting.

Interesting [chuckles nervously]

Mm, yup.

So I gotta go to school.

Right, right.

Froyo? - What? - Bye! [sniffles]

Morning.

You sound and look terrible, honey.

But I took that vow, so here I am.

Call in sick, Mom.

Watch "Maury.

" It's uncles who dress like sluts day.

Tempting, but I've never taken a sick day.

The people in this town count on me to keep our streets uncongested and running.

Speaking of running, you have some snot running into your mouth.

As long as we both shall live.

My medicinal shake will clear this right up.

Let's see.

Warm ginger ale.

Add a little apple cider vinegar, equal parts DayQuil and NyQuil, and a touch of Grammy's ashes.

[liquid fizzing]

[gulping]

Ah! Parking scofflaws of Oakdale, beware.

[music]

The streets will run red with the ink of my fuzzy troll pen.

Let's get 'em! I'm pouring Grammy on my pancake.

Hate to do this to you, Coach Walters, but you're parked in front of a fire hydrant.

It was an emergency! Mega Ball hit $60 million today.

Well, I hope you win, but I still have to give you this.

I don't recognize the authority of a woman in pants.

[grunts]

[gasps]

[fabric rips]

Mm.

Hmm? Excuse me, ma'am.

Your truck is parked in two spots, - but you only fed one meter.

- Ain't my fault I got a big un.

Maybe your spots are too small.

I'm citing you for being over the line and a naughty bumper.

Your son did not kick my honor student's ass.

That ain't how the sticker tells it.

Suck my fumes, lady.

[coughing]

- Neil LaDouche.

- Oh! - When are you due? - When are you due? You did not just say that.

Sorry, I'm hormonal.

- Okay, we're done with this.

- Oh, my water's breaking.

[shouts]

[growls]

Eat it, LaDouche! Eat it.

Swallow.

This is a miscarriage of justice.

[gasps]

[camera shutter snaps]

"Eat it, LaDouche.

Eat it.

Swallow.

" What do you have to say for yourself? Everyone in this town sucks and treats me like crap.

You're suspended for a week.

No! I love this job.

- Turn in your ticket book.

- [sighs]

- And the one in your sock.

- Damn it.

But who's gonna take my place? - Hey, Duncan's hotheaded mom.

- Mr.

Mitch? You're a teacher.

What do you know about dealing with ungrateful people that don't realize you just want what's best for them? I took the civil service test.

I could do any government job.

Next week, I'm postmaster general.

Come on, I'll give you a lift home.

[grunts]

If your back feels a little wet, - don't worry, it's just my tears.

- Okay.

[upbeat music]

Time to get branch.

[grunts]

Can't start the day without that.

[grunts]

I got mad ups.

Bam, shout-out to my growth spurt.

Come on, big D, branch it up.

That's so stupid, right, Mia? Jumping up and hitting a branch? - What does it even mean? - Yeah, totally.

It's just a stupid immature ritual that separates the alphas from the betas.

Be right back.

[shouts]

Come on, Duncan, do something tight.

Uh, I had a big breakfast and I'm wearing my low-tops, and I actually jumped so high yesterday that my doctor said I should stay on the ground.

It's okay if you can't do it, Duncan.

It just feels so, so good when you can.

- So good.

- Ugh, okay, I'll do it.

[grunting]

Hup, hup! [grunting]

Whoa-ho, ass over teakettle.

[gasps]

[ducks quacking]

Hey, you're treading water.

That's tight.

[ducks quacking]

Get that muffler fixed, you noisy jerk.

Ugh! You parked in the red zone, pally.

[tires squealing]

ALL: Aww! - [howls]

- Wolf, no car surfing! - You'll break your neck! - Honey, the neighbors called.

They asked if you would please shut up.

Where are they? Show yourselves, cowards! Ugh, what am I supposed to do for a week, Jack? I literally have nothing in the world as fulfilling as my job.

Your children? Me? - Nothing.

- Look, Annie, you can't just sit out here yelling at cars and throwing beer cans at people.

You gotta redirect it and find something that gives you joy.

Okay, I'll check in with you when you're in a less throw-y mood.

Without my job I just have no purpose.

[chirping]

Either I'm drunk, or that can's tweeting.

Oh, no.

Hang on little one, I'll help you.

[warm music]

[chirping]

No need to thank me.

It just felt good to help you.

[gasps]

Are you my new purpose? - [burps]

- How much beer did you have? I can't let you fly home like this.

Come inside.

I'll make some coffee.

This cereal needs some berries.

Some for me, some for you.

Chirp, chirp, chirp.

Ah, I wish I knew what I was saying to you.

Is Mom losing her mind? 'Cause if she is, we should keep her in the basement.

I still wanna have friends over.

Your mom's having a tough time without her job, and that bird seems to make her happy.

So for the next week, let's just smile and nod supportively.

ALL: Mm-hmm.

Ugh, I'm not eating that.

That touched beak.

[wolf whistle]

Well, when you put it that way.

[grunts]

Mommy, can you tie my ribbon? Aww, he thinks I'm Cinderella.

He's picking out my gray hairs.

So long, Annie's mascara.

- What the - He's cleaning your teeth.

No brushing? Have at it.

See, isn't he adorable? His name's Kyle.

That's great.

He looks like a Kyle.

You seem so happy.

You know what? Instead of us playing video games while you run our Saturday errands, we're gonna do 'em for you.

You stay home and relax with your feathered friend.

Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp.

[grunts]

Easy money.

Hup, hup! Aww, come on.

[chirping]

Well, hello there.

- I'm Annie.

- [chirping]

Well, this is just delightful.

Am I a bird person? [upbeat music]

That uniform fits you nicely, Mavis.

[grunts]

I'm not just saying that.

Uh-oh.

Parking bad guys.

- Please don't write that ticket.

- Okay.

Oh, come on, I only left it there because I didn't feel like paying for - did you say okay? - Yeah.

You seem like a decent dude, and you said please.

- Are you gonna give me a ticket? - I was thinking about it.

Don't you have anything better to do than gouge law-abiding citizens for not abiding by the law? You know what? I do.

Mavis and I are going to get a couple's massage.

You got room for one more? Not really the definition of couple, but sure, why not? [barks]

# # Okay, we need berries, a sports bra, contact lenses, a backyard screened-in porch, and a big old candle.

Who's coming with me, and who's waiting - in a hard plastic chair? - Chair.

- Chair.

- Chair.

Wanna see my magic trick? You bet, Jing.

Okay.

Does anybody in the audience have a quarter? - How about you, lady? - Fine, here.

[blows sharply]

[gasps]

I did it.

I'm magic.

I'm going to win show-and-tell tomorrow and that Fun Size Snickers is mine.

Hmm? [gasps]

I'll be right back.

[panting]

It's just Froyo, Kimberly.

Just ask him to Froyo.

- [line rings]

- What's up? Hey, Marcus.

It's Kim berly.

We don't have school 'cause it's Saturday.

[laughs]

Saturday, where did you come up with that? - Yeah, I gotta go.

- Wait.

I can see what you're wearing.

- What? - I mean I'm in men's underwear.

[shrieks]

So where'd the quarter go? A magician never reveals her tricks.

Oh, I can't lie to you.

It was in my pocket.

I'll be crying in the dumpster.

- Okay.

- Bye, lady.

Mr.

Mitch, I checked the daily count of parking tickets, as all mayors do, and you haven't busted anyone.

Yeah, turns out, I don't like being the man.

I want people to be happy to see me.

Like that Publishers Clearing House dude.

He gives out giant checks and balloons, and they give him hugs.

Because of you coddling these idiots, people think they can just park wherever they want.

I'm gonna walk around City Hall hitting on women.

- Okay to leave it here? - I don't see a problem with that.

You're the best.

He said I'm the best.

That's a verbal hug.

[whimpers]

Wait till your mom sees this tiny bird mirror I bought for Kyle.

She's gonna flip.

ALL: Whaaat? Welcome to Jurannie Park.

[birds chirping]

[dramatic orchestral music]

Honey, what the hell happened? Uh, long story short, one thing led to another, and now we have a lot of birds.

Did you know we have a store in town that sells nothing but bird supplies? Neither did I.

But they've been here 50 years and they deliver and install.

- Have a seed bell.

- How much did all this cost? You'd be surprised.

A lot.

There were no sales at all.

I think it's beautiful.

[with Jing's voice]

I think it's beautiful.

- How did he do that? - Birds are really smart.

Some exotic birds are natural-born mimics.

That's kind of cool.

[with Duncan's voice]

That's kind of cool.

Ugh, is that really what my voice sounds like? Afraid so.

Wait, they can sound like anybody? [with Kimberly's voice]

Wait, they can sound like anybody? - This one's mine.

- I told you, they're really smart.

I know I probably should have checked with you, but these birds bring me so much joy.

They're always so happy to see me, unlike the grumps in this town.

And they're so sweet.

I mean, who couldn't love this face? - Oh, my! - Not that face.

This face.

Are you okay with this? Well, you did put up with my cowboy boot years, - so I guess I can support this.

- Thank you.

And I promise you'll get used to this and eventually love these birds like I do.

Oh, make sure when you leave, you walk backwards, because if he sees your butt, he's gonna try to mate with you.

Don't ask how I know.

[birds chirping]

Okay, Marcus thinks I'm crazy.

That's why you, a bird, are gonna take my place.

Froyo.

Got it? Froyo.

Got it.

[line ringing]

[rock music playing over TV]

- 'Sup? - 'Sup? - I don't know, chilling.

- Chilling.

When you're not spazzing about what days we have school, you're actually pretty easy to talk to.

[gasps]

I'll take it from here.

- Mm.

- So where were we? And did I mention this seashell is from Boca Raton? [all gasp]

Oh, he showed and told.

Okay, Jing, good luck following that.

Showtime, little man.

I cannot tell a lie.

You're gonna crush this, Jing.

Lil' Joey, would you verify this is an ordinary quarter? [chomps]

That's George, all right.

I place the quarter in my hand, wave the wand, and Hi, am I too late for Jing's magic act? Ey, check out the "boids" on that broad.

Kids, Jing didn't finish her trick.

Yeah, but you've got birds.

You win.

Look, Jing, I got a Fun Size Snickers bar.

[annoyedly]

Ta-da.

Hold me up.

I wanna see the birds.

[growls]

Is it just me, or does lunch taste better on a branch? I would eat every meal on a branch if I could, even soup, dude.

Duncan, jump up and join us.

Yeah, sorry, I can't.

My hammies are tight from dunking a basketball all night in a hoop.

Yeah, and my future's bright.

[laughter]

Duncan, everyone in their life has a branch they're just trying to jump and reach.

For me, it's reversing climate change and equality for women at the workplace.

For you, it's well, it's that branch.

I believe in you, Duncan.

Uh, usually that's all it would take 'cause you're you, - but I forgot my lunch.

- Duncan, I brought your lunch.

Cleopatra, take this to your brother.

[squawks]

[laughter]

Hup, hup! [grunts]

Mom, make her give it to me.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Hup, hup! [grunts]

Damn, she got that off vert.

[birds squawking]

Mama's coming.

Mama's coming.

Annie, we need to talk about the birds.

Okay, but choose your words carefully.

They understand everything.

They stole my thunder at show-and-tell today.

And that one took my man.

We haven't made love in days without them watching, and they're so judgmental.

[with Jack's voice]

I'm so sorry.

This never happens.

We know how much happiness this brings you, Mom, but we're over it.

Where are those birds? You made a fool of me.

So now I'm eating your cousins.

[slow-motion chomping]

[birds squawking]

[gasps]

Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Kris, Caitlyn, Kourtney, Kim, Khloé, Kendall, Kylie, Scott Disick, put him down.

[grunts]

Everyone get behind me.

I learned this control technique from "Jurassic World.

" [dramatic music]

That's right, listen to Mama.

See? There's no reason we can't all live together in harmony.

Whaa! [squawks]

[birds squawking]

[all scream]

[all sigh]

That was close, but we showed them - who the superior species is.

- Uh, guys.

[birds squawking]

I hate them, but that's pretty cool.

[all scream]

# # They took our home! The age of humans is over.

The age of birds has begun.

Well, how would you describe it? [birds squawking]

Well, this was a fun place to grow up.

Where to next? Intercourse, Pennsylvania? [laughs]

Nice.

Can we move to Pepperidge Farm? - The commercials look fun.

- We're not leaving.

Step aside.

This is a job for the Jack man.

Helen, I need to borrow your g*n.

All right, but what am I gonna wave at my ex if he comes back for his power tools? Oh, Helen, we all know he's never coming back.

That hurts.

- [gasps]

Don't hurt them.

- I'm sorry, honey.

But it's time to fight feathers with b*ll*ts.

[shouts]

[birds squawking]

Well, they have a g*n now.

Ugh, who would have thought that using wild birds to deal with my psychological issues would backfire? Don't blame yourself.

- Okay, then whose fault is it? - It's yours, Mommy.

She's right.

If you had just called in sick and watched "Maury" like I said, none of this would have happened.

I begged you to watch "Maury.

" Yeah, this one is kind of on you, Mom.

Hey, the houses in Knob Lick, Missouri, have good Zestimates.

- [laughs]

- Duncan, stop.

Zestimates are lies that are dividing our country.

[sighs]

You're all right.

I brought this on myself.

I inspire the hatred of people and birds alike.

Just leave me on the side of the road - to die like a caribou.

- We can't do that here, but we can do it in Dildo, Canada.

[laughs]

Canada.

Duncan's mom? What are you doing on the side of the road - like a dying caribou? - Annie, I need you back.

Mr.

Mitch is too much of a softie to give out tickets.

- I just like to be liked.

- [barks, grunts]

I know, you warned me.

Turns out, the money generated by your overzealous ticketing pays for our school lunch program, and your boy does not brown bag it.

Without cartons, I have to carry milk to school in my hands.

Maybe you need me back, but the townspeople don't want that.

They hate me.

No, we don't.

I just hate your pants.

Truth is, I miss trading verbal blows with you.

Makes me feel alive.

And you're the only one who ever reads my naughty bumper stickers.

Thanks for seeing me.

[howls]

[grunts]

And without you to tell me to stop car surfing or I could break my neck, I could break my neck.

Aww, well, I've learned that I need you, too, for my life's purpose and health insurance.

But I have a house full of birds that turned on me.

- Thoughts? - This looks like a job for Animal Control.

All right, let's see.

Bird infestation.

Oh, this is easy.

They'll fly south in the winter.

It's August.

- In that case, you got a g*n? - Not anymore.

Okay, you elected me, Mayor Jen, to solve your problems, so I'm actually going to help.

- Wait, you voted for me, right? - Uh, yeah, of course.

[festive music]

[laughs]

# # [motors whirring]

# # [squawking]

[gasps]

It's working.

They think it's winter.

I'm a hero.

Spending the town's emergency funds.

Vote Jen.

[ball thudding]

[whistles]

[laughter]

[both squawking]

They're coming back.

Close the house.

[all panting]

Duncan, your window's open.

[whimpers]

Hup, hup! [grunts]

[dramatic orchestral music]

[grunting]

# # - He got roof! - Roof beats branch any day.

I knew you could do something tight.

# # [squawks]

I'll never forget you either, Kyle.

[chirping]

Enjoy Florida.

Well, the house really stinks, honey.

Oh, yeah, we're gonna have to gut the place.

Welcome back to "Maury.

" I'm Maury Povich, and I sold my journalistic soul years ago.

Kimberly, Marcus has brought you on the show today because he has something he wants to say to you.

[gasps]

A proposal on "Maury.

" Dreams do come true.

Kimberly, I'm cheating on you with a bird.

[cheers and applause]

That's right, bitch.

I introduced you! [growls]

[grunting]

Uh, uh, uh, Kimberly, no, he's not worth it.

Go to hell, Maury.

You got me here under false pretenses.

Ow! Please, Kimberly.

Ah! I'm 82 years old.

- He looks great for 82.

- I like this show.

Kick her ass, Maury.

I am so glad I took a sick day for this.