03x09 - Born to Run (A Small Business)

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

[laughs]

Ooh! [growls]

- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!

- Duncan!
- Duncan!

[all groaning]

How long is he
gonna be down there?

Yeah, I've had three cups
of gravy since he started.

[grunting]

All right, I fixed it.

You just need to give it
ten seconds to reset

or I'm going to have to do
this all over again...

[overlapping chatter]

- Three, two...
- Toilet's clogged again!

Okay.

Quit your band, be a plumber.
Thanks, Dad.

Oh, Jack,
thank God you're up.

Today's the day Main
Street's switching from

diagonal parking to straight,
and it could get ugly.

I need you to take
the kids to school,

'cause the bus just went
by while I was talking,

so now they're late.
Bye, pray for me!

- Come on, Dad, let's go.
- [snoring]

- I'll slap him awake.
- No, it's my turn.

- Too late!
- Let's go, let's go! Ow, my face.

I'm going to be tardy.
Tardy!

- Have fun, sweetie.
- Whee!

- No time to stop Duncan... jump!
- Cool! Huah...

Oh, no, I was supposed to build
a model of a working heart.

I totally forgot because
I didn't care at all.

You have to write me a note
saying you and mom are

having trouble at home and I'm
going through a tough time.

No, but if I buy you
a finished project

and you don't suffer any
consequences for your laziness,

- will you finally learn your lesson?
- It's possible.

[tires screech]

Okay, digestive, brain...
where are the human hearts?

Damn it!

- Dad, can I get a rock tumbler I'll never use?
- [chuckling] Sure, kitten.

Sorry, Kimberly,
but I'm going to have to tell

your teacher the truth.

Hello, Mrs. Drooker,
I'm afraid Kimberly Harris...

won't be in today.

Her mother and I are
having trouble at home,

and she's going
through a tough time.

No, I'm not ready to date yet.

No, my wife's not ready, either.
Yes, I'll let you know.

Thanks, Dad.
Let's do it again next week.

Wait, you and Mom
are on the rocks?

What the hell, Duncan?

When I jumped, my hoodie
got caught in the door.

Why didn't you just take it off?

Once you hit on
the freeway, I passed out.

[gasps]
Can we get ice cream?

Oh, my God, kids,
I see something way better

than ice cream...
a treasured memory from my past.

[rock chords]
Ronnie D's Axe Hole.

- What?
- Ugh.

When I was your age,
the Axe Hole

was where me and my friends
went to shred our cares away,

and Ronnie D was
like a second father.

Okay, I bought you guys beer,
but you have to swear

- to me that you're all at least .
- I'm only .

Appreciate the honesty.
You earned this, buddy.

[both groaning]

Oh, my God,
it's just like I remember!

It must be so exciting
to see this place

through your teenage eyes.

[driving rock music]

♪ I wanna tell you I love you... ♪

- Jumpin' Jack Harris?
- Ronnie D!

BOTH: Uncle Ronnie.

I haven't seen you in
years, you look...

[shudders] Ohh!

- Anyway, what have you been up to?
- Still rocking the dream.

How about you, you on tour?
Just passing through town?

No, I kind of gave
the music thing up, got married,

became a plumber,
had these little rug rats.

But man, I envy you
coming in here every day,

getting to rock
while I'm snaking bathrooms

for gravy-filled truckers.

Ha, well, there's only one
thing you're plumbing here,

the depths of rock.
Wanna jam, Jackie?

I need those tasty licks
in my ear holes.

- Ew.
- Gross.

Let's go!
♪ Old friend came ♪

♪ Into my music store ♪

♪ Preaching that my life
was such a bore ♪

♪ I said, "Wanna jam?" ♪

♪ He said, "Okay" ♪

♪ And we're gonna keep
this up all day, rock! ♪

[both moan]

♪ We're climbing up amps
and rocking like champs. ♪

♪ You're moving too slow,
hurry up, gramps ♪

♪ Shaking, wobbling
while I climb ♪

♪ Wah-wah Ronnie,
please stop your cryin' ♪

♪ Seriously, Jack,
I'm getting concerned ♪

♪ Well, I guess chicken
is what you've turned ♪

♪ I'll show you,
I'll stand on one foot ♪

♪ Bow to me,
Jack, I'm the god of... ♪

Woah!
[grunts]

The God of what?
What was the rhyme?

- I think he's really hurt.
- Was his foot always backwards?

Call - - or
♪ - ♪

This is my fault, Ronnie.

I should have never
made you rock so hard.

You're jumpin' Jack Harris.

You're supposed to rock hard,
damn it,

not be a lame plumber.
Not have these lame kids.

I'm sorry, but you guys suck.

You didn't even touch your beers.

- Oh, I'm sorry, uncle Ronnie.
- Jack, I need to tell you something.

The city's
always hated this place

because of our rebel spirit
and noise complaints

and giving alcohol to minors.

- Fascists.
- If I'm not here,

it's just the excuse they need
to shut me down.

- And the rats.
- This place can't close.

It's got to be
here years from now

when I accidentally stop by again.

Destiny brought you here, Jack,

so you could injure me
and buy the Axe Hole.

You can inspire the next
generation to rock

- the way I inspired you.
- I want to listen to destiny,

but I half-heartedly told my

wife that my rocker days
were behind me.

Come on, who wears the leopard
print pants in the family?

Only you have what it takes
to keep this store open

from : to :
three days a week.

What will it be Jack...
plumbing or strumming?

Oh, why'd you have to rhyme it?
Okay, I'll buy the store.

Take my vest.
You're the rock God now.

Eeee!

What do you think, kids?

This must look really cool
from your point of view, huh?

[imitating rock chords]

[rapid banjo music]

- You bought a music store?!
- Come on, Annie,

I don't want the Axe Hole
to go out of business.

It'd be like you seeing
that fabric store close.

[gasps]
Don't even joke about that.

I understand your attachment
to that place, Jack,

but buying it
just feels so impulsive.

Impulsive?
I want a divorce!

- [gasps]
- I'm sorry, it's just that

Ronnie D is on our porch
right now

because I said
you'd nurse him back to health

while I'm busy running the store

I bought without consulting you.

'Sup blondie? Got a beer
to wash down this painkiller?

Coming right up.

Okay, Kimberly,
you're going to be running

the register, taking
inventory and developing

strategies to optimize profitability.

- What do you want me to do?
- Uhhh...

you can stand outside
and hold a sign.

All right, let's open for rock-ness.

Dad, you can't just
say rock for everything.

- My rock-pologies.
- [huffs]

- What up, Duncan?
- My dad bought this guitar dump

and gave Kimberly the easy job,
so I'm out here busting my ass.

Mind if I take
your sign for a spin?

[humming]

[grunting]
Yeah!

Whoa, how'd you
learn to do that?

When I was a kid,
my uncle ran a sex shop

and I used
to help out at Christmas.

With a sign
shaped like an arrow?

Kinda.
That's why I got addicted

- to the honk.
- The honk?

It's applause for sign spinners.

[car honking]
Yeah, that's right.

Yeah.
Whoa!

[cars honking]

Wow, I want that sweet sound.
I want it bad.

[grunting]

No one honked,
and I did exactly what you did.

Looks like I gotta
Mr. Mitchyagi your ass.

Spin the sign.
Don't let the sign spin you.

Spin sign, no spin me.

Windmill, head spin,
knee bounce.

[cars honking]

Great spinning kid.

[barking]
He did get good fast, Mavis.

So one time I'm super
wasted at a Sabbath show,

and I try to grab
the bat out of Ozzy's mouth.

For some reason,
I need a taste.

I climb on stage and security
starts wailing on me.

Long story short,
the Ozzy Osbourne

- kicked me right in the nads.
- Hey, you needed a taste.

Hey, Ronnie,
the CVS wouldn't let me buy

Orange Crush and vodka
at : a.m., so...

I know that's not true.

Fine. I just thought
a healthy breakfast might

speed up the healing and moving
out of my house process.

Oh, pancakes and orange juice.

The perfect All-American,
plastic fantastic

Madison Avenue
corporate sellout breakfast.

And cantaloupe.

God, Annie, how can
Jumping Jack Harris stand

living in this three-bedroom,
four-bath coffin?

You haven't seen our mud room.

It's got cubbies for all of
our kids' boots and rain gear.

♪ When our shoes
are brown and muddy ♪

♪ We put him in our cubby ♪

♪ 'Cause Mommy
ain't our damn maid ♪

♪ Boop ♪

See, we still rock out.

All I know is that you're living
in a mind prison of your own...

Damn these
pancakes are delicious.

- I put Nutella in them.
- I've wasted my life!

Rock and roll is a lie.
Life is all about family.

Wow, Ronnie,
you are a man of extremes.

[cars honking]

Gimme that honk approval.

Hey, Duncan,
want to come with us

to an abandoned amusement
park that still has power?

I'm going to ride the decapitater

even though that kid
got decapitated.

Sorry, I don't have
time for kid stuff anymore.

I found my purpose in life,

and I look like a total hottie
in this t*nk top.

Hey, teens,
who's ready to be inspired?

- Not really.
- I'm good.

- No.
- Nope.

I'll be sad, and it'll be awkward

[singsong]
the next time you see me.

[all groan]

Welcome to the magical
world of rock and roll!

Mia, you worship Satan, right?

Well, I'm fascinated
in the Satan myth

as a structure by
which our moral codes are...

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
put this guitar on.

Aren't these
made with child labor?

If so, those are
some pretty cool kids.

Yangzi, my man,
what can I set you up with?

Well, I am in the market
for some new DJ equipment.

DJ?
Nope, nope, wrong.

You want this keytar, huh?
Listen to this.

[intense bass notes]

Yeah, I'm going to need you to
get this thing the hell off me.

Wolf, you have
disaffected youth

written all over you.
Pick anything you want.

- I do need a microphone.
- Yeah, front man!

No, my mom's last
husband m*rder*d a guy,

and I'm doing
a podcast about it.

Okay, you teens got to leave.
Stop loitering.

Come back when
you're ready to shred.

What about you, sweetie,
you're into Satan, right?

Yeah, but not musically.

[humming]

Annie, you cannot tell
anyone, I color my hair.

I never would have guessed
if you hadn't started sweating.

Got to admit
this is kind of nice.

When I do it myself,
I just dunk my head

in a bucket like an Easter egg.

This is just another
plus of having someone

- special in your life.
- Yeah, it is. And I do.

Oh, you have someone special?
You didn't tell me that.

She's a beautiful woman.

Three kids,
voice is a little annoying,

but I could get used to it.

Well, maybe I'll get
a chance to meet her sometime.

It's you, Mommy!
He's even pointing at you.

- Hmm?
- I want it all Annie.

I wanna eat cookies
in bed with you.

I wanna sing
the cubby song with you.

By the way, it needs a bridge.

I wanna be doing dishes
and you put your arms

around my waist and say,
"Hey, babe," and I giggle.

- I'm married to Jack.
- That's cool. Little tweak.

I'm doing dishes,
you and Jack come in.

He slides his hand
on my lower back...

"Lookin' kinda sudsy
there Ronnie..."

Hey, uh, Ronnie,
would you leave my home?

Woah, bitchin' shirt.

Can I rock you,
or are you just rocking?

- [Kimberly groans]
- Yeah, I've got a passion.

- My parents just don't get it.
- Been there, man.

Got to do
what your heart's telling you.

You're right.
I'll take all of these.

An entire bowl of guitar picks?

- Kimberly, ring up my little shredder.
- Oh, I don't play.

I just chuck 'em
at squirrels' heads.

I told you, it's my passion.

That kid used
to go to my school.

He's messed up.

He threw a a dart at the
gym coach and got suspended.

Oh, you think you're cute, nut boy?

[yelling]

I don't get it, Kimberly.

Why doesn't this place mean
to kids what it meant to me?

Doesn't anyone want
to play an instrument

and feel its power
to change the world?

That was
a long time ago, Dad.

If we wanna change the world,
we use our phones,

and if we want to make music,
we also use our phones.

Hey, we should turn
this into a phone store.

- Hm?
- That's an E chord.

Doesn't that make your
heart start racing

and wanna play a song
that makes people do this?

[shrilly]
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah! ♪

God, no.
Sorry Dad, but rock is dead.

Never! There's gotta be
one kid out there who gets it.

Hi, looking for a rebellious
store to hang your band flyer!

Nah, my stupid dad's an
IRS agent and makes me work

- with him on Saturdays.
- Give him the notice, Cheryl.

I'm giving him the notice, Dad!

You're hereby notified
that you owe $ ,

in back taxes payable
by : p.m. today

or we will repossess all assets,
including your home.

Happy now?

Very. Now let's go shut
down Katie's Cupcakes!

Ugh! Fine, but you're
buying me one first.

Looks like Ronnie D

played you like whatever
that thing is over there.

It's a guitar.
You were just holding it!

Come on, Kimberly,
time for me to k*ll my hero.

- Ow!
- I'm sorry, dude.

Your ponytail makes
you look like a squirrel.

[grunts]
[car honking]

Oh, yeah, honk me up.

I need your tasty honks
in my ear holes.

[honking]
Whoo!

Honk-whoo?
You can get a honk-whoo?

[commotion]
Huh?

- Yeah!
- Mr. Mitch, this is my turf.

Sorry, I was inspired
by how I inspired you.

Plus, I miss those
addictive-ass honks.

You don't get honks
for teaching kids math.

Barely get health insurance.

- Ooh.
- Oof!

[cars honking]

But getting honks is
the first time I've felt alive,

and spinning is my ticket
out of this hellhole town.

The street's not big enough
for the two of us, Mr. Mitch,

Are you challenging me
to a spin-off?

Bet your ass, I am.
Loser leaves town forever.

No, wait. Winner leaves.

I gotta get out of this hellhole town.

You lying, bloated boot bag.

- Daddy's home!
- Hello, my little angel.

You lying bloated boot bag.

You exploited my love
of your Axe Hole.

Now I owe the IRS grand
or they're going to take my home!

What do you have
to say for yourself?

- Wanna jam?
- You know it.

♪ ♪

Wait, no! Your rockin' voodoo
won't work on me anymore.

How could you do that to me?

Musicians never
screw each other over money.

Let me tell you something,
Jackie, you think I enjoyed

running that place,
always having to retune

the instruments
after you and your friends

played them all day
and didn't buy anything?

Kids constantly shoplifting from me,

sleeping every night in a plush,

- Velvet-lined guitar case?
- I would love that.

Yeah, I slept like a baby.

Sure, I could have taken the little
money I had and paid my taxes.

But you know what I did instead?

- You bought kids beer.
- That's right, little lady.

- I bought kids beer.
- Wow, I had no idea our

never buying anything
and constant stealing

would somehow
affect your business.

Can you ever forgive me?

Embrace me, Lord of the Strings.

This is all very moving,
but can we get back

to the IRS taking our house?

- What are we going to do?
- There is one way out.

The only bill I ever
made sure to pay was

the fire insurance
because I often fall asleep

- in my guitar case while smoking.
- So bad-ass.

Let's say we were to,
yeah, I don't know,

play a farewell concert
and set off some,

I don't know, pyro that was
accidentally pointed at the store.

The Axe Hole goes up in,
I don't know, "flames,"

insurance pays the IRS,
and we get to keep our,

I don't know, house.
I love it.

Wait, are you talking about
committing insurance fraud?

- Come on, Annie, be cool.
- I'm almost a low level police officer.

- But who's your favorite TV mom?
- Uh... Carmela Soprano.

And what would Carmela do?

Oh, she'd say, "I don't
wanna know about it, Tony.

Just get it done and buy me a
$ , cappuccino machine."

Aw, that's my little mob wife.

Jack, these are my ex-wives,
Roxette and Foxy.

Ex-wives, this is Jack.

Ladies. Okay, Ronnie,
this is my first insurance fraud.

- How does it work?
- Easy-peasy.

At the peak moment of
our mind-roasting

dueling guitar solo,
you hit this pedal,

which will trigger
the pyro accidentally

aimed at the store, and goodbye
you friggin' Axe Hole.

Okay, this is my first sign spin-off.

- How does it work?
- Didn't you challenge me?

Enough talk!
Let's do this!

Cool.
And may the best man spin.

- Why do we have to wear these, Mommy?
- 'Cause I love cappuccino.

- Now be quiet, Meadow.
- Who's Meadow?

[yelling]
Oakdale, are you ready to rock?!

- Eh.
- Yeah, that sounds right.

Two, three, four.

[playing Heart's "Barracuda"]

♪ So this ain't the end,
I saw you again, today ♪

♪ I had to turn my heart away ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Smiled like the sun,
kisses for everyone ♪

♪ And tales, it never fails ♪

♪ ♪

BOTH: ♪ You lying so low
in the weeds ♪

♪ I bet you
you're gonna ambush me ♪

♪ You have me down, down,
down, down on my knees ♪

♪ Now wouldn't you, barracuda? ♪

Shouldn't we be supporting Duncan?

No, two old guys
are playing guitar.

Whoo! I love whatever kind
of music this is called.

Hey, you closed down

- my mom's cupcake shop.
- Whoo!

- Oh my God, they love it.
- I don't want this to end.

We can't destroy the Axe Hole.

I'll go bankrupt, I don't care.

We'll run the store together.

I'll move in with you and Annie.

- We already discussed it.
- Huh?

- Did someone say keep on rockin'?
- Yeah!

[both gasp]

Whew, it's a dud.

[crowd gasps]

[fireworks whistle shrilly]

Ronnie D!
Rock on!

BOTH: Wanna jam?

♪ ♪

It's a miracle!

The inflatable pig
survived totally untouched.

And my "Hustlers"!

Goodbye flying V,
goodbye keytar,

goodbye maraca,
goodbye other maraca.

Sorry your dreams b*rned,
honey, but you really

- did sound good up there.
- I failed, Annie.

I did all of this to inspire one kid

to find the joy
in music that I did.

Hey dad, how did you get
your guitar

- to make that crazy sound?
- Really?

Well, you just have
to use the whammy bar.

Let me show you.

- First place your fingers...
- I remember... E chord.

Now whammy that sucker!

♪ ♪

Cool.
Dad, are you crying?

No, no, no, it's all
the smoke and carcinogens.

Just keep playing.

Oh God, you're going to
rebuild the store, aren't you?

Mm-hmm.

Easy one, two, easy one, two.

Okay, let's do this.

♪ ♪

Welcome to "Cry Wolf,"
episode one.

In the summer of ,
my mom told me to mow the lawn.

That's when I noticed
my stepdad's garden shears

were missing, and so was
the ceramics instructor

at the local community college.

♪ ♪

The secrets I would
unravel were dark,

tantalizing and delicious.

Kind of like the portobello
mushroom burger I get

delivered every day from the
New food service Yum Tummy.

♪ Yum Tummy ♪

♪ It'll make your tummy go
"Yum!" ♪

Use the promo code
'wolf' at checkout.

Dale DeRocha was born
in a small mining town

in Eastern Pennsylvania,
but he lied when he met my mom

and said he was
from Central Pennsylvania.

He said a lot that night at
TGI Fridays

as the drinks flowed, and later,
their white hot passion.

And subscribe!

[doorbell rings]
Ooh, Yum Tummy.

[barks]