02x06 - No Choice

[bunniefuu]

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Oh, boy.

Okay.

Just stick it in me! All right.

Coming up.

Hmm.

Just get it over with.

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

sh*t.

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

- ALLY: Stick it in! - Okay, I'm about to.

I just don't wanna hurt you.

- Just get on with it.

- Okay, fine.

f*ck it.

- Ow! - Oh, sh - Jesus - PAUL: I'm sorry.

- f*ck me ragged.

- I'm sor I'm really, really sorry.

All you're meant to do is just stick the needle in.

- That's all you gotta do.

- I know.

I'm really sorry I thought that's what I did.

- I'm sorry.

- [SIGHS]

f*ck, you're doing brilliantly.

No, I'm not.

I'm being an absolute lunatic assh*le.

I could very easily bite someone's face.

I just I want it done.

Egg harvesting soon.

Oh, f*cking joy.

No, I just I just meant it's a minor procedure.

Minor? You try having a needle shoved up your vag*na.

I meant minor as in it's 20 minutes.

[SIGHS]

I I know that you're doing the doggy work here.

- Mm-hmm.

- All right? And you're right.

I wouldn't wanna have a needle shoved up my vag*na.

But I promise you it will be worth it.

Will it? Yes.

Ugh, when are we gonna get rid of all this stuff? I've gotta do a charity shop run.

Then we'll have more space.

We'll always need more space.

We're like goldfish.

We grow to fit the t*nk.

[SURREAL MUSIC]

No, you're looking at it all wrong.

How can you not see it? I can see its head.

I can't see its wings.

No, what you're seeing as its head is actually its head and its wings.

- [LAUGHS]

- Twat.

I love our thing of seeing pictures and patterns in the damp, Ally, and I f*cking love it, but I am wondering - Should we move? - Yeah.

- Mm.

- Stop renting.

Buy somewhere bigger.

- Room to swing a cat.

- Two cats.

Take out a crippling mortgage and spend all our savings.

Okay, f*ck it.

I mean, what could possibly go wrong? - Just everything.

- [CHUCKLES]

♪♪ f*ck, I can see its wings.

- Yeah! - [LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

PAUL: [MOANS]

[GROOVY MUSIC]

- Knock, knock.

- LUKE: Come in.

You all right, mate? Broadstairs in 40 minutes, yeah? - Do I need a jacket? - Probably.

Is it okay if I put this down here - temporarily? - What is it? PAUL: It's a load of your old stuff.

Needs to go to the charity shop.

We've already filled up our bedroom.

Do I have to have it in here? Can't Ava have it in her room? At least she's got a room.

- I've only got an area.

- No, sure.

Okay.

I'll just hoick it back up four flights of stairs to Ava's room.

Okay, it's fine.

Leave it there.

PAUL: It won't be for long.

Just need to make some space for other stuff.

I wish I had a proper room.

I know.

One day, maybe.

What is there in Broadstairs, Dad? f*ck all squared.

But apparently Granny and Grandad wanna live there.

And die there, I suppose.

Oh.

♪♪ [SIREN WAILING]

ALEX: Eggs In the fridge or out of the fridge? - I'm an outie.

- LEAH: Me too.

That's why I still have a pantry.

- Hi, Mum.

- LEAH: Hello, darling.

- Hi.

- Nice to see you again, Ally.

Nice to see you too, Alex.

This is an unexpected visit.

Everything all right down below? Mum! Ally's going through IVF.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

My youngest went through it.

It's very tough.

Yes, it is.

Yeah.

Why are you here? I mean, it's lovely to see you, but We're having a clear-out of old clothes and stuff, and I found this hanging on the back of a door.

Oh, look.

My gorgeous Hobbs jacket.

That's really lovely.

And that's a wonderful color for you.

Would you like coffee or lunch? Alex is cooking.

Oh, no, thanks.

I better go.

We're going down to Broadstairs today with Jim and Jackie 'cause they're thinking of doing a council house swap.

So what are you cooking, Alex? Ham, egg, and chips.

It's not Heston, but it does the job.

Alex makes the most incredible chips.

You're eating chips? Of course.

Why wouldn't I? Uh, the calories, the carbs, the fat.

They are solid food, Mum.

Your mum doesn't need to worry about that kind of nonsense.

I'll take the rest of the shopping in.

It was lovely to see you again, Ally.

Yes.

And to you, Alex.

You look beautiful, Mum.

I suppose that's what falling in love does for you.

- Oh, wow.

- I know.

Sometimes I catch him smiling at me for no reason.

That's really nice, isn't it? Okay.

Right.

I better get going.

Are you all right, Ally? Do you want to talk? I do, yeah, but, you know, not now.

It's just all these injections and sh*t.

Just feeling a bit all over the place.

But you go and have your chips.

I'll we'll catch up later, yeah? [INTRIGUING PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]

♪♪ LUKE: What's so great about Broadstairs, Grandad? It's real.

Proper real people live here doing proper real things, speaking with proper real accents.

Whereas everyone in London is just pretend.

- Yes, more or less.

- Right.

Our area's gone to the dogs The pedigree dogs.

Why are the middle classes so discontent? Constantly changing stuff.

There's builders down our road every day.

Why can't people just sit and enjoy what they have? - Don't know.

- JIM: It's looking a lot smarter round here than I remember.

Is that a deli there? And a gallery.

f*ck my old boots.

Thing is, if you two do your council house swap now I know, it won't be good for you for getting free childcare for the new baby.

PAUL: No, no, not that well, yeah, a bit that but not that, no.

We want you to be near us so that we can look after you when you become, you know, decrepit.

Yeah, but the sea air is gonna make us healthier.

It's what people our age need.

- Yeah.

- And no stairs.

And that manuka honey that's good for arthritis.

Or is it eyesight? How long will they keep that poor baby of yours in the test tube for, Ally? Mum, there's no baby yet.

And they don't keep babies in test tubes.

Mum's given hormones to make her produce lots of eggs.

Then they're put in with dad's sperm in a sort of chamber.

Right.

Who wants an ice cream? [MELLOW MUSIC]

♪♪ [GULLS SQUAWKING]

- Bit weird, not having an upstairs.

- Right? And where are you gonna hide the bodies of the people you m*rder? Exactly.

I like it, Jim.

This settee is lovely.

Well, they won't leave the settee, Mum.

You'll have to move too, won't you, Paul, what with the new arrival? Nothing's arriving yet.

We're still on the checkout page.

It's a death trap, your place, especially for a baby.

Well, Ava and Luke survived it, so we'll all be fine.

Where's it gonna sleep the baby? In a cot when it exists, which it doesn't yet.

Lovely new combi-boiler they've got here.

Will they leave the boiler, Paul? [CHUCKLES]

Oh, yeah.

They'll leave the boiler.

[INTRIGUING MUSIC]

♪♪ That was properly great.

It was really, really good food.

Eight chips.

I got eight chips with that fish and chips eight.

That cod was the size of a sardine too.

Hang on; you two always leave half your fish and chips and say that it was too much.

Well, you want the option to leave loads on your plate.

[SIGHS]

This used to be a very different place.

- Yeah.

- JIM: Formica tables.

Those ketchup things shaped like tomatoes.

Wipe-clean menus they never wipe clean.

That sounds horrible.

Aye, it was.

But at least it wasn't poncey.

Nice bit of fish be good for your bionic baby, Ally.

PAUL: No, she's not pregnant yet, Mum.

She's being harvested tomorrow and then - Harvested? - PAUL: Mm-hmm.

JIM: Jesus Christ.

They say I've got super sperm.

Which is you know, it's - After I had you, Paul - Mm-hmm? My body refused any more babies.

Flat-out refused.

JIM: Yep, it just shut up shop, - like Woolworths.

- PAUL: Right.

According to my magazine, Ally, you could have twins if they put enough eggs back in you.

I'm just gonna pop to the loo.

PAUL: Ah.

You two, could you give it a rest, please? She's hormonal.

You're not helping.

- Sorry.

- Sorry.

[GROANS]

You were almost a twin, Paul.

Yeah, what? You absorbed your brother or sister in the womb.

Absorbed? Vanishing twin.

More common than you'd think, apparently.

No, it's not, 'cause babies don't absorb other babies.

They do, you know.

Well, you were young, so you don't remember.

[SURREAL MUSIC]

♪♪ It's a lovely kitchen.

Crisp, clean lines.

It's been designed.

Has it? Brilliant.

It's bespoke.

Sleek yet practical.

Like a puma.

Indeed.

[LAUGHS]

[CELL PHONE BUZZING]

Ah.

I'm so sorry.

Do you mind if I just - Yeah, of course.

- It's fine.

Why don't you guys carry on exploring? Take your time.

Thanks.

[EMOTIONAL AMBIENT MUSIC]

As you see, these stairs are designed.

Oh, wow.

But are they bespoke? They're the bespokiest stairs known to humankind.

Oh.

Bespoke like a m*therf*cker.

So this is the sex room.

Really? Is it? Let's see the rest of the house first, though.

Yeah.

Oh.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- So in there? - Mm-hmm.

- Sex room.

- [BOTH LAUGH]

Here is another sex room, yeah, if you ever feel the need for more.

Very sensible.

What about upstairs? - Oh, that is a home office.

- Oh.

- I'm kidding.

It's a sex room.

- Yeah? [LAUGHS]

I love this place, Paul.

Yeah.

f*ck it.

Let's put in an offer.

- Really? - Yeah.

Oh, my God.

We're gonna have a house with stairs.

f*cking tons of stairs! [WAVES CRASHING]

PAUL: That tide's really coming in.

[DOG BARKING, GULLS SQUAWKING]

- Dad, take my phone.

- What? I don't want it to get wet.

PAUL: Okay.

- He just gave me his phone.

- Yeah.

By choice.

He surrendered his w*apon.

My God.

You see what some fresh air can do? [SIGHS, CHUCKLES]

I suppose if they do get a place down here, we can visit at the weekends.

Buy a beach hut, maybe.

They cost thousands.

All right, rent one, then, or camp in Mum and Dad's garden.

What, with a new baby? Well, people do all sorts with a new baby: go to festivals, shoplift.

[ROCK SKIPPING]

- Whoo! - PAUL: Hey! Nice one, mate! You can be a kid again on the beach, can't you? Oh, God.

We could get a dog.

What, and leave it in the beach hut for two weeks at a time until we come back down? It would starve.

And we can't have a f*cking dog at home, Paul.

- Jesus Christ.

- No, I know.

It's daft.

I just feel like, you know Irritating.

- Infused, actually - All right.

- Is what I feel.

- Sorry.

There is something about the air and the space and the light.

It's it's different.

It's hopeful.

It is.

Yeah.

It's really, really nice here.

It is.

For a few hours.

When are we heading back? [GROOVY MUSIC]

♪♪ Sorry, could you say that again, please? It says, "Potent as a 25-year-old.

" Right, it says that on that piece of paper, does it? - Yes.

- Can I have a copy of that or At the moment, your sperm is being put through a high-speed wash and spin cycle to find the healthiest ones.

Yeah, it's amazing, isn't it? Yeah, it's pretty amazing, yeah.

It will then be placed with Ally's best eggs.

And, Ally, we'll switch you to another medication to prepare your uterus lining for the implant.

Terrific.

[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]

[LIGHT AMBIENT MUSIC]

♪♪ [SIGHS]

Ah.

Kee, ugh.

Thank God.

I really need to just talk at you for two solid hours about IVF and f*cking Broadstairs and have you nod your head and say, "Poor you.

" So I've ordered you a martini and loads of chips.

Oh, Ally, I'm so sorry, but I've just come to say I can't do this.

Tony's just gone into hospital.

Oh, my God.

KEELEY: Oh, it's nothing too serious.

So I can stay for a really quick drink, but then I do need to Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

It's fine.

It's fine.

You go.

Go.

Your stepdad needs you.

KEELEY: Yeah, but my best friend needs me too.

Oh, it's fine.

It'll wait.

Is there a substitute friend you can get here instead of me to drink martinis and nod at you? [SIGHS]

No.

There's no replacement for you, Kee.

Well, this is unexpected.

Yeah, I just thought that we hadn't spoken to each other for ages apart from our boring old work.

True.

It's good to talk.

That was an advert, wasn't it, for phones? Imagine a world where people needed encouraging to use a phone.

I know.

Mad.

DARREN: These are great chips.

Triple-cooked, probably.

Triple's the least these days, isn't it? Do you remember when people used to cook them once? Idiots.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

Um, how are the girls? DARREN: Fine, in a yeah sense.

In what sort of sense? Well, you know, how you took your Luke to be diagnosed, anxiety, et cetera? - ALLY: Yeah.

- Well, I took the girls because I was convinced they had ADHD.

But according to the psychologist, they're just really badly behaved.

- Right.

- DARREN: Mm.

Yeah.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

And Karen are you guys on speaking terms again? Not really.

She blames me for the girls' behavior because they're twins and she didn't want twins - and I "made her go through IVF.

" - Right.

DARREN: It was a joint decision, obviously.

I'm not an assertive person, but she doesn't remember it like that.

[SIGHS]

Anyway, enough, uh, boring IVF tedium.

What do you fancy talking about? Uh nothing specifically.

Mm.

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪♪ PAUL: [SIGHS]

Yes, I did have some wine.

That's fine.

I wasn't going to ask.

I don't wanna be drink h*tler.

Or any h*tler, really.

I've been researching while you were out.

Researching what? Possibly moving out of London.

- Paul.

- It's just a thought experiment.

- I know we've not discussed it.

- At all.

But we need space, don't we? Yes.

Luke needs a proper bedroom.

We need a garden, space for the new baby.

There isn't a baby yet.

And we can't afford anywhere bigger - in London, can we? - No, but, like We could sell this place for a fortune? Live an hour out of London in a mansion I mean, all right, maybe not an hour for a mansion.

Maybe 90 minutes, but still.

I could buy a waxed jacket, grow courgettes, and leave all the stress behind.

Courgettes, f Broadstairs was nice, Ally.

It was really nice.

- The kids loved it.

- I didn't love it.

I love this house our house.

And I love London.

PAUL: Luke skimmed a stone in the sea.

[LAUGHS]

You know? He gave me his phone.

Ava wouldn't have to grow up so fast.

She wouldn't have to be street smart.

We could buy our dream home.

This is my dream home.

♪♪ I don't wanna move, Paul.

I'm going to sleep.

♪♪ PAUL: [SIGHS]

♪♪ LUKE: Where's my bag? AVA: There's your bag.

- LUKE: Here's my bag.

- Hi.

- Hey.

- Why didn't you wake me? I wanted you to rest before the procedure.

Well, I'm taking Ava to taekwondo, right? - I can do it.

- No, it's fine.

I will.

It's no bother.

You should probably be taking it easy.

It's fine.

I will be fine.

I am just taking her to taekwondo.

I'm not doing tae kwon do.

No, I know.

It's just, this pregnancy Potential pregnancy is special.

Like the other two, but it feels more fragile.

You sure you don't want me to come with you? Yeah.

It's fine.

I think I will feel calmer on my own, less pressure.

Okay.

- ALLY: Quick shower.

- All right.

Can we get takeaway tonight? No, darling.

Mum needs proper nutritious food at the moment: oily fish, nuts and seeds, all that stuff chard.

And a rogan josh.

No, not bloody rogan josh.

[INTRIGUING MUSIC]

♪♪ At this very moment, Ally's embryos and my sperm are being placed in her uterus.

Paul, shut up.

Sorry.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Oh, we decided against the bungalow at Broadstairs.

Oh, okay.

Turns out, it's just as poncey down there as here.

I didn't realize.

So we're staying put.

Better the ponces you know.

Actually, we're thinking of moving.

Maybe by the sea.

Not Broadstairs necessarily, but, uh, Brighton or somewhere further out Norfolk.

Norfolk? That's in f*cking Norfolk.

I thought you wanted to be near your mum and me.

Is this what Ally wants? Well, no.

[LAUGHS]

It's not.

And I understand.

I'm not convinced about moving out of town myself.

But we need a bigger place.

And there's no harm in looking.

And maybe Ally might feel the need for a new nest once her uterus Paul, shut up.

[BOTH GRUNTING, GROANING]

Did you know it was a master class tonight? No.

I'd have given it a miss if I'd known.

I pay to knacker my kids out, not to sit around watching.

I mean, what even is this? GEORGE: Oh, it's um, - Brazilian jujitsu - Mm.

With an emphasis on grappling and ground fighting, apparently.

It is very intense, isn't it? [BOTH CHUCKLE]

Um, yeah.

Maybe you wanna take a break from the male display of rutting, and, um [GASPS]

Oh.

I have never needed one more.

Yes.

Shall we? Get out there.

Go on.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[GROOVY MUSIC]

♪♪ - Hmm? - Oh.

Just a sec.

Nature calls.

- Oh.

- I'm sorry, Paul.

- Mum, come on.

- Sorry.

You only live round the corner.

Ugh, she's hopeless.

Actually, while there's the opportunity, I might as well.

Yeah.

[CELL PHONE BUZZING]

Hello.

Speaking.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Right.

Oh.

No.

No, I didn't know that.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'm I'm sorry.

Is is there I mean, can we rearrange? No.

Of course not.

All right.

No, I understand.

Thanks very much.

f*ck me.

Mm.

So you don't wanna move house? No, I don't want any of it.

It's like I'm on this runaway train and I keep pressing the emergency button and shouting but nothing is happening.

I just I don't feel in control.

I'm not sure any of us ever properly feel we're in control.

No one's listening to me.

That's the problem.

No one is listening to me.

I am.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

- No, it's fine.

- No, I'm s I shouldn't have done that.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so [SIGHS]

f*ck.

How f*cking great is this? f*cking great.

- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

This house, you - let's never change.

- Agreed.

This could be our outside sex room.

- Mm! - Yeah, we could have sex out here and no one would ever see.

Except for God.

God would see.

- He's seen it before.

- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

Let us never leave here.

Except for wine and cigarettes.

Except for wine and cigarettes.

f*ck, I love you.

I love you.

[GIGGLING]

[GIGGLING ECHOES]

[DOOR CLICKS OPEN]

[DOOR SLAMS]

Oh.

I've gotten Indian.

The clinic phoned.

You didn't show up for your procedure today.

No.

Ally why have we been through all this if you were just gonna not turn up? f*ck me.

Have you changed your mind? We should have probably talked about it.

I kissed a man.

Who? Kissed who? I I just I want it all to stop, Paul, All of it: the baby, the f*cking moving house bullshit.

I just I don't I don't I can't do it.

I don't want to do it.

And you're not listening to me.

You are you just You seem to want it all a lot more than me.

And I, uh I just I didn't know how to make it stop, so I I I kissed somebody.

I said who, not why.

- It doesn't matter who it was.

- Course it f*cking matters.

I love you.

Do you? Right.

Right, 'cause most people in love, they don't kiss another man to to what, make a point? - I am sorry.

- For what? Ally, for what? For not wanting another baby or for kissing another man? - For both.

- Why didn't you tell me that this is how you felt? I tried, but you wouldn't listen.

You were not listening to me.

Right, okay.

Well, f*ck me.

You have certainly got my attention now.

[SIGHS]

f*ck.

[FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING]

[SIGHS]

[INTRIGUING MUSIC]

[DOOR CLICKS OPEN]

[DOOR SLAMS]

♪♪ Can I smell rogan josh? You sure can.

[SNIFFLES]

Coming right up.