02x09 - No Power, Part 1

[bunniefuu]

f*ck's sake.

Horse cocks! How can we not have any candles? We had candles on all the time in the '70s.

- Power always seemed to be off.

- Yes.

In hindsight, it seemed romantic, but I don't think it was, though.

No, there's nothing terribly sexy about walking into a glass coffee table.

Ooh, I don't know.

There's bound to be sites on the Internet about it.

Everything's p*rn to someone these days.

Yeah, all right, Mum.

Anyway, I wouldn't Google "p*rn" and "glass coffee tables.

" How are there no f*cking candles in this house? - What about Luke's birthday candle? - Well, didn't we use that? No, you canceled his birthday, remember? Yes.

Okay, right.

- Is that Spain? - Hmm? Spain? No.

Littlehampton, probably.

Nanny and Granddad have never been abroad.

- Never? - Nope.

Not for them, apparently.

Same with lasagna and liquid soap.

Is Mum gonna sneak a photo album out of Granny and Grandad's new flat? Well, she's gonna try.

Take all her shoplifting skills.

Mum was a shoplifter? No.

Oh, we should put some pictures in the slideshow of Granny and Granddad with me and Luke as babies.

Good idea.

We've got loads of prints up in the photo drawer.

Go and dig some out, and I'll scan them.

Okay.

Dad? Flipping h Luke! Yes, mate! You look brilliant! Really? The top's not too tight, is it? No, no, that's just fitted.

It's how it's meant to be.

You know, neat, crisp.

An Italian suit, slim tie.

It's all about the cut.

Great trousers too.

Jacob says he thinks I've been looking - really cool lately.

- Well, you are, mate.

And he says thanks for getting me into two-tone, 'cause it meant I was able to get him into two-tone, and he loves it.

Well, it's great music.

No, f*ck it, it's the best music, hands down.

And that includes everyone: Mozart you know, all those twats.

And if there's anything that you want to hear that I don't have, right, log on to my account as me, download it.

Feels good to have introduced Jacob to something, you know, cultural.

It's usually the other way around.

Yeah, well, I'm glad he likes it as much as you.

Thanks, Dad, really.

You are welcome, mate.

That's what dads are for, you know, introducing you to music that you might not have heard and hoping you fall in love with it.

Did Granddad do that with you? f*ck no, that man listened to wall-to-wall bollocks.

It's all cheeses these days, I'm afraid, Ally.

Any and all cheeses.

What? Is he lactose intolerant? No.

Jim just hates cheese.

I suddenly realized one day, it's rancid milk, hardened, rancid milk.

And that's just cheddar.

Don't get us started on blue cheese.

We won't, Jim.

Don't you worry.

Do you eat chicken, Jim? Of course I eat chicken.

I'm not a lunatic.

Mm, Jim can decimate a chicken.

He's like a kestrel.

Great, and, uh, I'll do some sausages, veggie and normal, and lots of salads and dips and things.

Oh, thanks, Ally.

50 years married.

We need to celebrate.

And this this new place is absolutely lovely but Too small for a party.

It's pokey.

It's like living in a shoebox, a child's shoebox.

Who's only got the one leg.

Have you seen what these f*ckers have done to my dahlias? Jim can see down into our old garden.

I've told him not to.

I've told him we need to move on.

These new tenants haven't mown the lawn once.

If our garden was a child, they'd have it taken into care by now.

It's not our garden, Jim.

It never was our garden, not even in all the years we lived there.

When you rent something, it's never yours, really.

Rent boys.

You don't hear anything about rent boys anymore, do you? Used to be all over the papers.

Rent boys and the archbishop, rent boys and the pop star, rent boys and the Tory MP.

Funny how things go.

Mm.

Do you want some help unpacking the last of your stuff, Jackie? Oh, that would be great, Ally.

Thanks.

I'll put the kettle on.

There's some really great photos in this now.

That's because your wife's a skilled cat burglar.

Yeah.

Well done.

Well, I just took the album out of a box and I put it in my bag, to be honest.

It's really easy stealing off old people.

Yeah, I think criminals have cottoned on to that.

I'm really looking forward to Mum and Dad seeing this.

- Do you think they'll like it? - They'll love it.

I mean, they won't say it or show it or express it in any traditional, human way, but they'll really like it.

I mean, it's a record of all those years together.

Yeah, they've seen a lot and, in another sense, barely anything.

Right, I should go to bed.

I'm out the door at half past six tomorrow.

Oof.

Yeah, get some sleep.

Oh, did you just message me? - No.

- Ah, no, wait, it's Luke.

He's still logged in to my music account as me, so I'm seeing his messages.

Well, then you should stop looking.

Well, it's not up to me.

He needs to log off.

Well, I mean, he's obviously made a mistake, so stop looking and go and tell him.

He's having a conversation with Jacob.

Paul, stop it.

Turn it off.

You're spying.

How is this spying? James Bond doesn't get sent the microfilm in a little bloody Jiffy bag, does he? Oh, sh*t.

What? They're organizing buying weed.

No, they can't be, because Luke doesn't smoke weed, and neither does Jacob.

Well, maybe it's a present for the vicar, then, Ally, 'cause I can see the messages right here.

They're setting up a date to buy cannabis off some bloke on Friday, look.

I don't want to look.

Can you just turn it off? I'm gonna have this out with him.

- No, you can't.

- What? He's arranging a drug deal, Ally.

Look, I know it's bad, but you were eavesdropping, and he deserves some privacy.

Sorry, am I in a parallel universe? It's a crime.

He's about to break the law with ah, look, see? He must have noticed, because he's deleted all the messages and logged out.

Right.

Okay, fine.

I just I don't think we should confront him now.

Well, I do, so He'll be mortified that you read his messages.

Okay, I will talk to him before Friday and tell him that we heard about it from some other parents, and I will f*cking give him some serious sh*t about it.

No, I want to go down and talk to him now.

No, I don't want you to.

So I suppose we do what you want, as usual.

What? - Nothing.

- It wasn't f*cking nothing.

And maybe we do what I suggest more often because I don't always immediately want to blow everything up like some kind of f*cking parenting jihadi.

Jihadi Daddy.

Right, I'm going to bed.

Please don't bollock Luke.

And please stop reading his messages.

- Hey, mate.

- All right.

You downloaded any more music? No.

Hey, listen, I was thinking of taking us out for pizza on Friday evening.

- Great.

- Mm.

- You got no plans? - No.

You got anything you want to tell me, Luke? No.

How long have you and Jacob been smoking weed? - We've never had it before.

- Oh, come on.

Really.

It was gonna be the first time.

- I don't believe you.

- It's true.

We wanted to smoke it because the b*at poets used to.

The f*cking what? Jesus, Luke, if you're gonna lie, come up with something better than that.

- The f*cking b*at poets.

- We just wanted to try it.

And I wanted to impress Jacob that I knew where to get it from.

I'm really sorry.

All right.

I just thought we were bonding, me and you.

You know, the music, clothes.

We were.

We have bonded.

This is just me being stupid.

Okay, here's the deal.

None of your devices for three weeks.

And no looking at my computer to get around that.

You are grounded, whatever the f*ck that means.

I've never said it before.

And I'll be talking to Jacob's parents.

- No! - Yes.

Please, Dad.

Please don't.

It'll ruin everything.

- They won't let us be friends anymore.

- Oh, leave off.

I'll k*ll myself.

Oi, what the f*ck? Calm down! You and your mate were gonna break the law, right? - Is that right? - Yeah.

Okay, so if Jacob's parents find out that I knew that and didn't tell them, they'll be rightly pissed off, so I've got to tell them, whether I want to or not.

You should have thought of this, mate.

Everything was going all right for me for the first time ever, and now it's all going to end.

You can f*ck off as well.

It's all mad.

Do you think we should have some? Oh, for f*ck Yeah, I know.

I would eat that one, but Is it - I really like this.

- That's my one.

Oh, for oh, oh, Christ.

What does that even I don't f*cking - Ava.

- Hmm? Are people gonna be able to see it on that wall? - I can't tell.

- I think so, yeah.

Right, can you hook it up to the laptop for me, please? - Yeah, sure.

- Thank you.

Can you also take this f*cking thing? - Okay.

- I don't know what I'm doing.

I mean, I do know.

Obviously, I do know.

I could do all of this on my own, Grace.

But I just like Ava to think that she's helping.

It's like a Make-a-Wish charity, innit? When did Mum and Luke go out? About 20 minutes ago.

We needed more chicken.

Mum didn't think it was enough for Granddad.

All right.

Who's that? Not kicking off for another half an hour.

Oh.

We're early.

Yeah, I can see that.

You're half an hour early.

Do you want us to go away again? f*ck's sake, Dad.

Don't start.

It's your party.

Come in.

We thought we'd get here early so we can help out.

Oh, I think we've got everything under control.

- Dad! - Go up.

- Sure it's all under control? - Positive.

Look who's here.

- Oh, hi.

- Hello, Grace.

- Happy anniversary.

- Thanks, love.

Where's the mains lead for your laptop, Dad? - It's on 4% battery.

- No, that's not right.

I charged it last night, ready for this evening.

I've not been on it.

Well, maybe I got it wrong, then.

No, no, wait.

Come here.

Has someone else been on it? Has Luke been on it? Christ.

Yep, he's been messaging Jacob on this.

f*cking how dare he? Right, let's be focused.

Only get what we need for tonight.

No browsing.

We are chicken-seeking missiles.

Do we need anything else? Hummus? Cheese? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Specifically no cheese.

- Okay.

- We want the exact opposite to cheese.

- What's the opposite of cheese? - Um, I don't know.

Jam? That's liquidy and sweet, isn't it? Although traditionally, the opposite of cheese is chalk.

Oh, yes, that's right.

Chalk and cheese.

Though feta's quite chalky, isn't it, in its texture, I suppose.

- I love our little chats.

- Oh, do you? You're so sarky.

Chicken, chicken, chicken.

f*ck.

I mean, seriously.

- Shall we plug it in to charge it? - This is deliberate.

It's a deliberate f*cking challenge to me.

I'm sorry, darling, but we are too soft on that boy.

- We always have been.

- Let me plug it in so we No.

I'm messaging Mummy first.

Right.

Iced gems.

What's iced gems? '70s food.

Catnip for Granddad.

What? Have you been on your dad's computer? - Have you? - No.

Luke.

- Is that a text from Dad? - Yes.

- Can I see it? - No, no.

- Is he angry? - Yeah, he's very angry, because he told you not to go on any devices.

Right.

Charge it now.

It's not yet! I wanted to talk to Jacob.

Right.

Come on.

We're early! f*ck me.

You as well.

Come in.

We thought we might be able to help out.

Mm-hmm.

Now, um, this is still pretty cold.

But if you do have room - Hang about.

- Paul? - No.

- The lights have gone off.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Dad? Thanks, everyone.

If all our customers could just stay still and where they are for a few seconds more, the emergency lights should kick in any moment.

Right, let's just abandon this and go home.

The tills won't be working.

I don't want to go home.

Dad's gonna k*ll me.

He won't.

I will speak to him.

And anyway, we have to go home.

It's the anniversary party.

Why does it have to happen like this? What do I do that makes this stuff happen to me? Why can't I control anything? Hey.

Come on.

Emergency lighting going on now.

sh*t.

S-sorry, sorry.

It appears to be a borough-wide power cut.

Everything's down.

Wow, it's sort of exciting, isn't it? Yeah, like a film.

I wonder if there'll be a m*rder.

When Luke gets back, yeah.

Can we still watch that video thing you've done, Paul? No.

Battery's flat.

So the whole centerpiece of the party can't happen.

It's ruined.

Oh, well.

What do you mean, "Oh, well"? I just meant that I didn't want it to bother you too much.

Well, it bothers the sh*t out of me, to be honest, Dad.

I've been working on it for weeks.

We both have, me and Ava.

It's important.

I wanted you to like it.

So please don't "oh, well" me like you don't give a sh*t.

Why don't I put the kettle on? There's no f*cking electricity, Mum.

What are you gonna power it by, mind rays? Paul, why don't you just calm down just a little? Alex, with respect, f*ck off.

Okay, let's not do this now.

No, no, let's do this now.

You have ruined this evening, Luke.

Okay? Are you happy? You've completely f*cking ruined it.

The entire family was involved in getting that slideshow together, and the only thing, the only thing you needed to do was not f*ck it up.

And guess what.

You f*cked it up.

As usual.

What the f*ck is wrong with you, Luke? Seriously, mate.

I'm asking you a question.

What the f*ck is wrong with you? Christ! Come here! - Lukey! - Ally.

No, Paul! Not you! I'm not the bad guy here.

Oh, it's I recognize that.

Is that Littlehampton? It is.

I don't believe I've ever been.

Oh, we used to go there a lot.

So did we.

Picnics on the beach.

Fishpaste sandwiches, with the emphasis on sand.

- Tudor Crisps.

- Tudor Crisps! This is a man after me own heart.

We couldn't afford to go away for holidays, could we, Paul? Paul? No.

So in the summer, we used to go on day trips out.

Littlehampton, Brighton.

Kew Gardens.

Where else, Paul? - Uh, Chessington.

- Yes.

Although Chessington was just a zoo then.

It wasn't a World of Adventures.

Unless you think it's adventurous to buy an ice lolly.

Having said that, if you're diabetic Oh, look, that is Kew Gardens.

There's little Paul.

I remember that coat.

- His coat or your coat? - Oh, both coats.

You haven't got a coat on, look.

No, it's the bloody summer, and I'm from the North East.

You only ever wear a coat for funerals.

Right, I'm going out to look for him.

- It's been an hour.

- He'll come back.

He's got no phone.

Has he got any money? No.

His wallet is still in his room.

Well, then he'll be back.

He's not gonna sleep rough, is he? - I am going to look for him.

- Where? I'm just gonna drive around and look for him.

- I can't just wait.

- Ally, he's just gone off in a strop.

- He'll come back soon.

- Oh, really? 'Cause if I was him, I wouldn't.

If you'd like us to leave or if you need to go and look for Luke, just say.

Thank you.

And listen, I'm really sorry about telling you to f*ck off.

If I had a pound for every time I've been told to f*ck off.

Right, right.

How much would you have? Seven or eight pounds, at most.

People have been generally very polite to me all my life.

Then I doubly apologize.

Alex, we should be going.

Hey.

You should go and search for him, Paul.

That was a big old row you had, and you need to sort it all out.

- He's a sensitive boy.

- I know.

And he's a good boy, really.

I mean, I know there was that thing with the - What's it called, seedlings.

- Weed.

But you can't let it get between the two of you.

You're very similar.

And you've been so close lately.

Yeah, I know.

Go on.

Thanks, Mum.

Thank you.

Ava do you knew where Luke and Jacob hang out? Luke.

No, come here, mate.

Come here.

- No.

- Hey.

Listen, listen.

Let's just go back home and we'll talk this through.

Talk what through? How, as usual, I f*ck everything up? Come back home so we can find out what the f*ck is wrong with me? - Look - I'll tell you.

It's you! You're what's wrong with me! - Oi! - I've been so happy recently, having Jacob as my friend.

But being happy has made me realize how sad I've been for the rest of the time.

All through my childhood, I've been sad, and you've made me sad.

You make me feel like I'm never good enough.

And your f*cking temper.

Your mad, deranged f*cking temper.

So I've made you sad, have I? Yeah? That's the sum total of my contribution to your upbringing: I've made you sad? I've taken this little baby, right, made a sad boy and now a sad teenager? Yes? Is that what you're saying? - Yeah.

- Right.

- That's the truth.

- Right.

Well, you're 13, Luke, okay? So I'm in charge of you for the next five years, whether you like it or not.

And right now, we're going home, mate.

- No, I'm not.

- No, yes, you are, mate.

- Don't touch me.

- Don't be silly.

Luke.

Oi.

Don't Luke, let's just talk, okay? Don't Luke.

Hey, hey.

Stop it, Luke.

- I'm not going home.

- Listen to me.

Stop it.

Stop.

Hey, stop it.

You're not going anywhere.

All right? I just f*cking said stop it.

I'm not gonna let you go until you stop.

Okay.

You all right? Calm down.

So shall we talk? Right.

Okay? f*ck.

Oh, f*ck.