03x08 - No Way Back

[bunniefuu]

Yeah, I know, Ally, I get it...
But to be honest, love,

I don't really care
about what she wants.

No, h-hear me out.

Ava doesn't know what she wants

because she's , right?

She can't vote, she can't fight in a w*r

or get a tattoo or ride a moped.

Some things she just
has no control over.

And that's some...

Okay, they're here. Barbie and Ken.

Uh, better go.

No. No, I-I know we haven't,

but, you know, we can talk
more when I'm on the road, eh?

Uh...

Christ Almighty. f*ck me ragged.

Sir, Madam, your carriage awaits.

My apologies. The
Mercedes is in the garage

and the Jag is being gold-plated
by nude supermodels in Monaco.

Not again. They do a dreadful job.

[LAUGHING] They are sh*t with
heavy machinery, aren't they?

They need to rethink the
whole operation, if you ask me.

- Yeah.
- I suppose this'll have to do us.

We don't mind slumming it, Paul.

- [GRUNTING] Ooh.
- Oh... Jesus, Mum.

[GRUNTING] You know, it's a
day trip to the Malvern Hills.

It's not trekking across Peru.

JACKIE: Just a few bits and bobs.

Extra coats, et cetera. Might get parky.

JIM: It's already parky.

Parkier then.

JIM: I can't... Which thing
does the wossname go into?

It's the one furthest away from you.

Well, that's very counterintuitive.

Okay, all buckled in and ready?

- Yep.
- Ready to go.

All right, let's roll.

[ATMOSPHERIC JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

JACKIE: Oh, that song's
just come into my head.

"Memories." What's it called?

- Is it called "Memories"?
- "The Way We Were."

- That's it.
- PAUL AND JIM: Oh, yeah.

I was thinking of it because

I've got such lovely
memories of this trip

and you taking us up
to the Malvern Hills.

Two days was it, after
you passed your test?

Nice little car, that first car.

Yeah, it was a Siesta, wasn't it?

Almost, Mum. Sierra. F DMX.

Funny way to spell Sierra.

Ah, I knew you were gonna say that.

Well, I never like to disappoint.

Ah. Ultimate dad joke.

Well, I'm the ultimate dad.

[LAUGHING]

Are we having lunch at that same pub?

- Is it still there?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah, I checked.

It still looks pretty much the same,

from what I could see online.

I can remember exactly what we all had.

I had the cheese ploughman's.

- Mm.
- You had fish and chips, Paul.

- Classic me.
- And I had a massive Yorkshire pudding,

filled to the brim with minced beef.

f*ckin' hell. Very Raymond Blanc.

Oh, it was delicious.

It's a very old pub, isn't it?

Well, on their website, they say

that the fire in the
hearth has never gone out

in something like years.

Continually alight since the
Battle of Trafalgar or something.

- Waterloo, one of them.
- JIM: Wow.

- That's very impressive.
- Mm.

- Although it's probably balls.
- Probably balls, yeah.

Anyway, it was a terrific day out.

JIM: It was.

This is a very kind thing to do.

Yeah. Thank you, Paul. We appreciate it.

It was a special day.

So I thought, "Why not recreate it?"

And I've been wanting to get you
two out of that pokey little flat.

Have some space around
you, rather than...

[SIGHING] all this.

Hmm.

[LIGHT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

JACKIE: Oh, this is lovely, Paul.

Just the drive is lovely,
never mind the rest.

I'd be happy just to drive
and drive down these roads.

JIM: It's good to see
the horizon, isn't it?

The sky's on the ration in London.

You can only really see it if you lie

on your back and stare straight up.

So if you're sunbathing
or just been run over.

- JIM: Exactly.
- Mm.

Or you've fallen out of a plane.

- No, you'd be dead then.
- You would be dead then, yeah.

I'm a Londoner, born and bred, but

I sometimes wonder if I like it anymore.

Well... now, you've always been
a proud Londoner, haven't you, Mum?

I have, but it's
silly, really, isn't it?

Being proud of something that
you've had nothing to do with.

- Mm.
- JACKIE: Accident of birth.

And what if I'd been born in Liverpool?

- I'd be a proud Liverpudlian.
- Ah.

Or... Dubai. I'd be a
proud... "Dubai-dlian."

I don't think that's what
they call themselves, but...

JACKIE: But it's nothing
to do with me, is it?

- With my achievements or my failures.
- PAUL: Mm.

It's what you do that matters.

That's what you should
be proud or ashamed of.

The things you choose to
do. And the things you don't.

You're a bit of a philosopher
on the quiet, aren't you?

- [CHUCKLES]
- Touch of the old Bertrand Russells.

It's that book club she belongs to.

If you forget to tick the box,

they send you all the
thinky stuff as a punishment.

[PAUL LAUGHS AND SIGHS]

PAUL: Uh, satnav's
saying the pub's up here.

JIM: Just past that church, isn't it?

- JACKIE: Very pretty.
- PAUL: You both hungry?

- JIM: Starving.
- I could eat a horse and his mate.

- And some chips.
- PAUL: Hmm.

- And then his other mate. [LAUGHS]
- [PAUL LAUGHS]

PAUL: Ah, there it is.

JIM: Mine's a pint of bitter.
And I'll have yours, too, Paul,

if you're driving.

[ALL LAUGH]

PAUL: No, I get it. Of course I get it.

It means she'll join a
year after everyone else,

and she'll just do year seven
at the other place but...

ALLY: [OVER SPEAKERPHONE]
And that's terrifying!

- That's not terrifying. Come on.
- ALLY: Ugh!

Have you ever been to school, Paul?

Come on! I mean, it's
hard enough making friends,

but then having to leave
them after a year...

Yeah, but she'll already have friends

there from primary school, won't she?

That's the whole f*ckin'
thing... All of her friends,

apart from Grace, will
be at the sh*t school.

- ALLY: It's not sh*t!
- PAUL: Fine.

The school that's not as good as
the school she would be going to

if she hadn't deliberately
failed the exam... how's that?

ALLY: Ohh! She's... She's in
a very low place at the moment.

And I'm very sorry to hear that, but

honestly, hon, that's
her lookout, isn't it?

If she wants to make amends
and just... be happier,

then she's gotta retake that exam.

ALLY: Well, fundamentally,
we disagree. You're wrong.

Well... we maybe need to stop
having this conversation then.

ALLY: That's one thing
we can f*ckin' agree on.

[CHEERFULLY] Hi, Jackie!

Hi, love.

Hi, Jim!

He's having a kip, Ally.

ALLY: Nice lunch?

Beautiful, thanks.

ALLY: Great. See you later, Paul.

[PHONE BEEPS]

Sorry about that. I don't
want to spoil the trip.

You're sure Ava didn't
just do badly in this exam?

- You're sure it wasn't nerves?
- No, Mum.

No, she admitted she
deliberately failed.

And now she's screwed up her life.

There's be a way out.
There's always a way out.

Is there?

JACKIE: Sometimes,
it's a tough decision,

but... yes.

Well, I don't know, Mum.

- Paul...
- Mm-hmm?

JIM: Oh, I must have dropped off.

- [JACKIE SIGHS]
- What have I missed?

Um, Mum, Mum... What were you gonna say?

Uh, no, nothing. Just
thanks again, love.

It was a lovely lunch.
Bit posher than last time.

Yeah, more heritage tomatoes,
less edible bucket of mints.

How long until we get to
some sort of civilization?

Mm, , minutes, maybe?

Right. I don't think me
bladder'll hold up till then.

[SCOFFS] Jesus Christ, Dad,
you went to the toilet...

three times in the pa...
No, hang on, four...

Just as we were leaving.

You said, "I better
squeeze a last one out."

You're worse than Luke used to be.

You wait till your prostate enlarges

- to the size of the moon.
- [PAUL CHUCKLING]

It's a wonder I can hold it in this long

and I'm not continually urinating.

Like mice.

JIM: It's 'cause I dropped
off to sleep, you see.

- That's the trigger.
- PAUL: Hmm.

Bladder fills up like a cistern.

JIM: Can we just stop
at the next lay-by

and I'll find the nearest bush?

All right, just give me a sec.

Really, I'm bursting.

It's like a spacehopper down there.

PAUL: Here, look. Look,
look. See down there?

Clump of bushes. Use that.

Mind you, it's a fair old trek, mind.

JIM: It's either that
or good-bye dignity.

And trousers.

Go on then. Off you pop, Pissy Spacek.

JIM: Ooh-hoo...

Ooh...

And... And watch out for
the giant, luminous hound!

JIM: Will do!

Is that true about mice? Are
they always just constant...

- [CRYING]
- Mum.

- Hey. Hey, what is it?
- I'm sorry, Paul.

[SOBBING] I'm sorry, love.

Are you okay? Obviously,
you're not okay.

You know Chrissy at the hospice?

Oh, f*ck, I'm so... Has she...

No. Not yet. She's dying, but...

- But she's still with us?
- Ohh. Yes.

My God, is she still with us, Paul.

She's more alive in
my head at this moment

than she has ever been. Vivid.

Right, but that... That's nice, is it?

I mean, maybe not nice, but, you know...

he-helpful or...

This is really difficult for me, Paul.

I know, Mum, because she's
been part or your life since...

- No. Your dad...
- What?

[CRYING] Your dad, Paul.. Jim...

Yes. That dad. Right?

[SOBBING] Oh, Paul.

What? Mum, what is it?

I think... Jim had an
affair with Chrissy.

No, I don't think. I know he did.

Dad did?

[STAMMERS] What makes you...

Yeah, I saw them at the hospice.

When I'd... was meant to
have gone for a piddle,

- and they thought I couldn't see.
- Mm-hmm.

- They're holding hands, crying.
- Right, but couldn't that

- have just been...
- No. I know what I saw.

And I know what it meant.

And I know him.

He kissed her hand.

[CRYING] She stroked his face.

I've never seen him touch
someone else like that...

never seen him look
at someone like that.

I don't really think he's
ever looked at me like that.

[SOBBING]

f*ckin' hell.

Hey. Hey.

So when... when do you
think all this happened?

'Cause it must have
been a while ago, right?

[SNIFFLES]

You remember when he was at Watney's,

and they started up that
new office down in Brighton?

And he'd go down on the train mid-week

to help get them up and running.

Chrissy was living in Hove then.

Oh, okay.

Mm. I'd sometimes ask your dad,

"Don't you ever see Chrissy
when you're down there?

She lives nearby."

"No," he'd say.

"No. No, funny. I never do see her."

I'm so sorry, Mum.

Yeah. Funny, that Jim. Very funny.

He... He doesn't know that you know?

No. He sensed I'm a bit off with him,

but I'm often a bit off with him.

If I'm cross with him,

he just lets it go past.

He never asks why.

He just waits for it to be over.

Yeah, but he can't
wait till this is over.

I'm sorry to land all this on you, Paul.

I know what your dad means to you.

And I wanted to wait
till after our nice lunch.

I didn't want to spoil the
lovely treat you made for us.

- [CAR DOOR OPENS]
- JIM: Ohh-ho!

- I've just seen a hare.
- [JACKIE SCOFFS]

Haven't seen a hare
since God knows when.

Since I was a boy, I think.

Huge ears. Enormous.

Like a cartoon. [SNIFFLES]

And the back legs, heh.

[GRUNTING] I mean, it's
the perfect setup, isn't it?

If you're prey.

You can hear the predator,
then you run like hell.

Heh! [SNIFFLES]

You'd think sheep would have
evolved the same way, wouldn't you?

Over the millennia.

But they've got those tiny ears still.

And they can barely
run at all. They lollop.

Oh, uh, Mum knows that you
had an affair with Chrissy.

[UNBUCKLES SEATBELT]

[PAUL UNBUCKLES SEATBELT]

Dad.

Dad!

JIM: That's daft. My God, don't be daft.

- You denying it?
- It's daft talk, Paul.

- All right, so it didn't happen?
- [JIM SCOFFS]

Right, you're... you're telling me

it didn't happen?
Because Mum seems to think...

Leave it, Paul! Leave it be!

For Christ's sake, man, leave it alone!

Everything is gonna come undone!

Jesus Christ alive.

Ohh, God in f*ckin' heaven.

[CLEARS THROAT] Let's get
back in the car. It's cold.

Why did you make me visit the hospice?

- It was all fine...
- I didn't f*ckin' make you do anything.

And don't shift the blame onto me!

- Did you have an affair, Dad?
- It wasn't...

- Wasn't what?
- [SCOFFS]

You don't know what it was.

- You've no idea.
- Then tell me!

It happened f*ckin' years ago!

Right! So it did happen!

Okay! f*cking hell!

Dad, Jesus Christ! You?!

Everything that I learned
about being a man...

came from you, and now you...

I don't owe you an explanation, Paul!

Everything isn't always about you!

- Sorry?
- You heard.

That's always been your problem.

Everything has to be about you!

How it affects you! How you react!

"Will Paul blow up?"
The famous f*ckin' rage.

Well, this isn't about you, Paul, okay?

This doesn't all revolve around
you. Shock-f*ckin'-horror.

So you can keep your f*ckin' nose out.

Oh, you're gonna hit us now, are ya?

Like Luke did to you,
because he'd had enough.

[CHUCKLES] Terrific.

Well, go on then. Give us a wallop.

Go on, why not? I deserve it, don't I?

Punch us in the f*ckin'
face, Paul. That'll solve it.

Get back in the car and talk to Mum.

[JIM PANTING]

I can't, can I?

How can I ever look
her in the face again?

How can she look at
me, knowing what I did?

Well, we can't stand out
on the moor shouting like

Cathy and f*ckin'
Heathcliff, can we? It's cold.

I don't want her to see me face.

She's not gonna see your f*ckin' face

'cause of the angle of the mirror!

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[JIM WHEEZING]

I want Paul in as well.

JIM: She wants you in, too.

[JIM WHEEZING]

You should use your puffer.

I haven't brought me puffer.

[PURSE UNZIPS]

[PURSE ZIPS SHUT]

[INHALER SPRAYS]

[EXHALES SLOWLY]

So, you must have seen
us in the hospice, then.

I saw you kissing her hand.

I saw her stroking your face. Crying.

Like you've been married
to her for years, not me.

- I'm sorry, Jackie.
- JACKIE: "Sorry." For what?

That at the hospice or all of it?

All of it. The whole...

Do... Do I have to go into this now?

Well, what should we do instead?

Our usual thing... Not have a row,

go silent with each other
for a couple of days,

and then forget it?

No, Jim. We can't do
that. Not with this.

No, I know.

How many times, Jim?
Can you even remember?

- How many times what?
- Have Arsenal won the FA cup.

- What do you bloody think?
- .

How many times did
you sleep with Chrissy?

[JIM SIGHS]

JACKIE: You can't remember.

[CRYING] He can't remember.

Course he can't
remember. All right, well.

Let's try and work it out, shall we?

- Mum, don't.
- No, no.

We'll do the maths, Paul.

Once a week for... six months?

What's that? times?

Then what, Jim?

Ten more times over the next few...

We never slept together.

- f*ck off.
- Bollocks.

We never did, I swear to God.

- I swear on your life, Paul.
- Oh, cheers.

JIM: We'd meet up for dinner every week.

At an Italian restaurant in the Lanes.

And that was it.

Italian?

Since when did you eat pasta?

You hate pasta.

I'd choose the meat course instead.

Veal or some chicken.

Gammon, maybes. Boiled potatoes.

f*ck me, it's Trip Advisor. I'm
sorry, Dad, I don't believe you.

'Cause how does that explain
all the hospice stuff?

How does it explain you out
there just now, pacing around?

I don't care what you believe, Paul.

Like I said, this isn't about you.

JACKIE: Yes, it is,
Jim. It's a family thing.

Paul was nine when you were doing
whatever it was you were doing.

You're his dad. It's to
do with him as much as me.

I swear I never slept with her, Jackie.

So, what? You saw her
once a week for dinner,

for half a year,

and you just chatted... did you?

Bit of an old chin-wag?

Put the world to rights?

Yes.

[SCOFFS]

So why did you keep it a secret?

Hmm? Why did she keep it a secret?

She never said she'd seen you.

And you always said you'd
never bumped into her,

so I don't understand why...

- Oh.
- What?

Jim... it's Mary again, isn't it?

Oh, Jackie.

- Who's Mary?
- He doesn't need to know this.

When Jim met me,

he was already engaged to be married

to a woman called Mary Creek.

- Creek?
- Crick.

- Crick.
- Crick.

I'd met your dad at work.

We both worked at
Hunt's in Earlsfield...

- in the offices there in Garratt Lane.
- Mm.

And we started doing
little things together.

Uh, all very innocent.

Pictures, Battersea Funfair.

Other places...

- Zoo.
- London Zoo.

And... we got very close to each other.

And I thought he might
kiss me, you know?

But he never did.

He never tried, even.

So, one day, I asked him why.

And do you remember what you said, Jim?

Yes.

You said you were in love with me...

and if it went any further,

you'd have to break off
your engagement with Mary,

and taking the next step
would break you and her up.

And it did.

You were in love with Chrissy.

And if you two had slept together,

you would've had to leave me.

I wasn't in love with her, Jackie.

I just thought I was. I was daft.

You do know it's worse, Jim.

Do you know that?

It's worse than...

some leg-over after an office party,

or some kiss-and-fumble
by the photocopier.

Love... Jim?

Being in love with another woman

when you're coming home to me.

So what was I to you then, Jim?

I love you, Jackie.

I always have.

[CRYING] Was I in the way?

Was I just some boring old bag

that you were forced to come home to

after seeing the woman
who you really loved?

[JACKIE SOBS]

We should get going, Paul.

- Get back.
- Okay.

[INHALER SPRAYS]

How was your fish and chips, Paul?

I didn't ask.

Uh, yeah, it was all right.

Yeah. It's pub fish and chips.

You know, it's not...
Not chippy fish and chips,

but it was nice all the same.

Peas were good.

My ravioli was beautiful.

I only ever have pasta
when I go out to eat.

You cook a lot of pasta, don't you?

PAUL: Yeah, we live on it, yeah.

It's... quick. So easy to cook.

Kids love it.

[TRAFFIC NOISE]

Anybody want anything from the shop?

I'll have some of them travel
sweets, if they've got them.

- In the tin.
- Uh-huh. Okay.

And the Daily Mirror. Your
dad likes the Quizword.

JIM: Thanks.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Every time, Jim...

every time you went to
dinner with Chrissy...

I'd have washed and ironed
your shirt the night before.

I'd have polished your shoes, Jim,

because it was work, and
you needed to look smart,

and you always said I did
a better job than you did.

When you and her were telling each other

how much in love you were.

Stop it, Jackie, please.

I was at home with Paul...

hoping you weren't lonely.

I was hoping you weren't on your own

in some rotten old B&B.

Well... [CHUCKLES]

You weren't lonely, were you?

I'm so sorry, Jackie.

Was it the excitement, Jim?

Falling in love again?

Because it is exciting.
I understand that.

I should've stopped
it before it started.

I was like a stupid teenager.

I was excited, yes. I was.

But I'm ashamed of what I did, Jackie.

It was a betrayal. I know that now.

I don't know what I can
do to make up for it.

To try to make up for it.

But I'll... I'll do anything.

I will.

I just want us to be
back the way we were.

[CAR DOOR OPENS]

- [SIGHS] For you.
- Ta, love.

- Right.
- Oh, thanks, Paul.

All right. [SIGHS]

Me and your dad have been talking.

Oh... great.

It's good to talk.

[SEATBELT LATCHES]

And also... not to talk.

That's... that's all right, too.

[CAR BEEPS]

PAUL: Over years together.

Half a century. That's a long time.

I mean a long, long time.

It is. You're right.

And, look, it's not for me

to tell you what to do, but...

[EXHALES] seems to me that
it's worth preserving, right?

You know, what you...
What you've built together,

it doesn't have to be destroyed by this.

Yeah.

There's shopping centers
less than years old

that are Grade Two
listed, for Christ's sake.

You know, not allowed
to be destroyed by law.

You know, they're all ugly as f*ck,

as far as I'm concerned,

but clever people in glasses

who... like Kraftwerk

think that they should be preserved,

and I think you two, your marriage,

this thing that you've
worked at for so long,

I think that needs to be preserved, too.

[PAUL SMACKS HIS LIPS]

Kraftwerk are a band.

There. I've, uh, said my piece.

Thanks, Paul.

JACKIE: Yes. Thanks, love.

And I want to come and stay
with you and Ally tonight.

Can I?

Uh, yeah, of course.

For a bit, actually,
if that's all right.

Uh, sure.

That bag in the boot,

that got two weeks'
worth of clothes in it.

Me wash bag, pension stuff.

- All me essentials.
- PAUL: Right.

- So, you...
- Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

I knew this morning I'd
probably leave your dad.

[WHISPERING] f*ckin' hell.

Now I've heard what was really going on,

- I know I'm leaving.
- PAUL: Mm-hmm.

I'll get out then, shall I?

[SEATBELT UNFASTENS]

Dad...

I didn't think today would end like this

when you first
picked us up this morning.

I really didn't.

Will you be okay?

I don't know.

I shouldn't think so, would you?

I just don't know, son.

I don't know what's up and
what's down at the minute.

Everything's spinning, isn't it?

Off its axis.

So, I'll call you later, yeah?

Yeah. Okay. Thanks.

Well, I'll... I'll talk to you later.

Yeah, I'll talk to you later.

Okay.

[CAR DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR ALARM RINGING]

[ALARM SHUTS OFF]

f*ckin' hell.

I know, love.