01x07 - Prayers for Kubby

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

KEEF: Hey, yo.
Check this out.

- When'd you draw that?
CLOVIS: Let me see that.

KEEF: I didn't.
- Nah, we looking at it.

So they did a new
Toast N Butter,

and somebody else drew it?

- Yes.
Exactly.

I thought I had days
to pay the advance back.

You know, I figured
they would just, you know,

put 'em away in a vault,
and then when--

that magical moment
when I had some money,

I would get 'em back.

- So never?

- You're the least helpful
person I've ever met.

- What?
I told you I'd sign a contract.

- Uh, no, no, no, no.

I do believe your words were:
" ♪ We getting that money ♪

♪ We getting that money,
n*gga ♪ "

- With, like, the finger g*ns
and all that?

- Very little finger g*ns, yes.

- Oh, yeah,
that sound like me.

- Gosh, black people
are the worst at

holding onto their sh*t.

- Hmm?

- Am I allowed to say that?

CLOVIS: Mm, yeah.
- Yeah, sure. Who cares?

- Whatever, man.
So what'd you do

with the advance, bro?

I mean, you got no clothes
and you got no car

and your bed ain't sh*t.

- Uh, can we not bring my
sidewalk sofa bed into this?

And, look, I didn't spend
my money on frivolous things.

I used it to pay back
student loans.

- But education's supposed to
make you smart, not broke.

[Gunther scoffs]
KEEF: Remember that time where

I said that
you're the least helpful person

I've ever met?
CLOVIS: Mm-hmm.

- You just gonna double down
on that?

- I'm just trying to help.

GUNTHER: That is wild, dude.

I thought for sure
Bloom & Hill

was just, like, flexing

or something, you know.

- All right, big corporations
don't "flex."

They devour.

- Well,
they're not devouring me.

- Where you going?
- Uh, to settle this

once and for all.
GUNTHER: Oh, sh*t.

He said it all tough.
What, with fisticuffs?

- Oh, he finna put hands?
[Gunther laughs]

- No, time-out.
No, not--none of that.

Okay?
I'm gonna use the legal system.

I contacted
Lawyers for the Arts.

Yeah, they hooked me up
with a guy in Noe Valley.

He's gonna squeeze me in.
- Noe Valley?

- Yeah, Noe Valley.

- I'm coming.

KEEF: Okay, if you're coming,
I'm gonna have

to hear an oral argument.
Go.

- Udders and Teats.
BOTH: What?

- Udders and Teats.

- Just 'cause you repeated it
doesn't mean

I know what the f*ck
you're saying.

- Udders and Teats,
the ice cream shop.

Yeah, I hear they have
a secret stash

of breast milk ice cream.

Oh, I gotta try it.

- Oh, sh*t, I'm down.
Let's do this.

- Wait, you,
Clovatius Jackson,

you're gonna eat
breast milk ice cream?

- Proud of you.
- Uh, yeah. Why not?

- You won't even eat corn that
hasn't been shucked properly.

- Like, what's the difference?
I mean, it's, like--what--

Ben & Jerry's mixed
with yogurt and cream cheese?

- Oh, my God, you think
it tastes like cheese?

CLOVIS: So?
- What, is the last time

you had breast milk
when you were a baby?

[Gunther laughs]
BOTH: What?

- What?
My...

I mean, that's when I had it
as well.

It's just I had a really strong
infant memory,

so I just recall it being

very sweet and delicious
like nectar.

[hard rock music]

♪ ♪

SINGER: ♪ We about to go
off, off, off ♪

♪ When the speakers go,
blow, blow, blow ♪

♪ Everybody turn up, up, up ♪

♪ It's about to go
down, down, down ♪

♪ Make the whole room
spin, spin, spin ♪

♪ Turn the bass up
loud, loud, loud ♪

♪ We about to go in, in, in ♪

♪ And we can't stop
now, now, now ♪

♪ Work it out, dance,
don't stop, don't stop ♪

♪ Don't stop, don't,
dance, don't stop, don't stop ♪

♪ Don't stop, don't, dance,
don't stop, don't stop ♪

♪ Don't stop, come on,
do I have your attention? ♪

♪ Work it out ♪

[applause]
- Whoo!

[car horn honks]

- Now, see, this is why
I hate the bus, dawg.

God.

I don't wanna talk to
these people.

I don't wanna be around
these people.

I don't want nothing to do

with these people, man.

- "These people"
are San Francisco.

CLOVIS: No, these people
are freaks, bruh.

Look at 'em.

God, and every bus the same,
man.

See, you got your little
skater kids over here

with their little
hipster clothes on.

"Check out my k*ller drift,
bro."

And--oh, you got
your God Squad over here,

ready to infect you
with their guilt,

which ain't no worse than
Patient Zero over here,

who will infect you
with--I don't know--

the coronavirus or SARS

or some other sh*t
they haven't named yet.

[funky music]

Uh, can't forget about
the pervert.

Look at him.
Can't even see his hands.

Yeah.
You know what that is.

But I'd take the perverts
over the crazies.

Perverts, they only got
one move, bro.

They're predictable.

But with those crazies--sh*t.

You don't know what's coming,
bro.

KEEF: "Same 'Toast,'
different 'Butter.'"

What the f*ck does that mean?

- Yo, you need to chill
with that, all right?

You are officially obsessed.
- Shut up.

I'm not obsessed.
I'm just--I don't get it.

Okay?
It doesn't make sense.

It's not funny.

And it lacks the spirit of
the original.

And even if it did,
this is just nonsense
and hijinks, you know.

Me, myself, I've elevated.

I've grown my game,
and so should the comic

that bears my name.

CLOVIS: Yeah.
Enough about Toast N Butter.

[cell phone dings]
Is the milk fresh?

- I'm--I'm not sure
that actual naked breast
will be there.

The--the ice cream
is already made.

KEEF: Okay, how slow
is this bus?

- Now that you say so,
I think the dude

in the wheelchair,
I think it's, like,

his third time passing us, bro.

[cell phones dinging]
GUNTHER: Yo, you can't be

clowning people in wheelchairs.

That's bad karma.
Now the bus is gonna explode.

CLOVIS: I'm not making fun of
people in wheelchairs.

I'm making fun of
this slow-ass city bus.

We got sh*t to do.
He gotta go see a lawyer.

We gotta get in on
those Udders and Teats.

Time is money, baby.
What the hell is going on?

- It's because of Kubby.
KEEF: Jesus, man.

Who the hell is Kubby?

Please don't say
your penis.

- Kubby the Koala,
from the zoo.

Yeah, he escaped.

- What?
MAN: He was spotted
in the area.

Yeah, and we might get to
see him.

Keep a lookout.
- Okay, that would be cool,

but I'm a little worried about
the guy.

- You mean to tell me
all this traffic

is because of a bear?

- Not just any bear, a koala.

- Still a bear, though--
koala bear.

So...
- No, it's a marsupial,
actually.

- Oh, no.
What was I thinking?

- They say he's very smart.

MAN: Yeah.
- He is. He is.

MAN: No, he can do
sign language

with his little paws.

- Yeah, he can paint.
KEEF: Really?

GUNTHER: Yeah.
KEEF: Yeah, I'm sure that's

not even a little bit true.

- You didn't even
know about him

until, like, three minutes ago.

- Yeah, but I know he can't do

sign language.
I'm just saying.

CLOVIS: Yeah, Keef.

Why you hating on Kubby
like that, bro?

- You're hurting his feelings.

- The mayor's office
is posting live updates.

KEEF: Are you serious?
MAN: Yeah.

- They got nothing better
to do?

- There's nothing better
or more important than this.

- Oh, no, I can look out
the window and point to

two or three things
they could be doing.

- See, look, look.
These are all
the Kubby sightings.

KEEF: These are
the Kubby sightings?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, my God.

So right now, Kubby is in,
uh, Bernal Heights,

also in, um, Outer Sunset,

but Kubby's also
at the Mission.

Man, that's exciting
and also impossible.

- [mouths word]
- He's fast.

MAN: Hey.

How--how far would you run
for freedom?

CLOVIS: Yeah, Keef.
How far, bro?

- Look, guys.

It's not that I don't care
about the bear.

I just don't have time
to care about the bear, okay?

I got places to be.
- Kubby's just not any bear.

- You know what?
You're absolutely right.

You know, I heard that
Kubby can code.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely.
Absolutely.

I wasn't gonna say anything,
but you're right.

He's not just any bear.

Legend has it
Bill Gates tried to hire him

for an entry-level position,
but the zoo said, "No.

"That's too inhumane.

He should be locked in a cage,
not an office."

SKATE KID: Did you hear that?
Kubby can code.

[Steve Lacy's "Playground"]

♪ ♪

LACY: ♪ Know you wanna
play 'round ♪

♪ Well, baby I'm on
the playground ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Hop on up, get on down ♪

- Yes.
No, I--I'll be there.

I promise.

I--I...

I just had a bit of a delay.
I know.

I understand.
I get it.

I do.
Um...

yes, I've heard about Kubby.

WOMAN: Oh, my God, Kubby is
literally my spirit animal.

- He may look cute,
but he's still a wild animal.

Now they say if you see him,
don't approach him,

don't feed him, and no selfies.

CLOVIS: Man, I do not
f*ck with bears, bro.

sh*t--grizzly bears,
koala bears,

the Chicago Bears...

sh*t--Bear Grylls, bare naked--

- Okay, you can stop now.
- Bare necessities.

[laughs]

- Oh, sh*t.

CLOVIS: What?
- It's happening.

- What's happening?

- Planet of the Apes, man--

only this is with koala bears.

Oh, yeah.

And, just for the record,
I am a Heston apes fan.

I like the way
their mouths move in the movie.

It was really cool.
But the Franco one was dope,

and it told the origin story,
which is important.

You know, if you don't learn
from history,

you're doomed to repeat it
with koalas.

- Bro, it's a koala.
It's not evolving into sh*t.

And that was a movie.
- And this is reality.

What's your point, man?
This is it for us.

It's a wrap for the human race.
We're done.

We had our chance.
It's the koala-pocalypse.

They're taking over.
Look at this!

It's already begun, and now
it is the koalas' time to rise.

You watch.
Kubby will lead the charge.

Ha.
KEEF: Deep breaths, calm down.

It's okay.
Bring it down. Bring it down.

- It's happening.
I'm telling you.

MAN: Oh, my God.
Look how cool this is.

They got pictures of
when Kubby was a baby.

- Oh!

MAN: In this photo,
he's wearing a coat.

[people murmuring]

CHARLIE: Excuse me.
Pardon me.

Hi, my name is Charlie.

Uh, sorry to bother you,

but anything you could spare
would be great.

[solemn music]

♪ ♪

- God, it's so warm in here.

It is warm in here.

- They found Kubby!

MAN: What?
[all cheer]

ALL: Kubby! Kubby! Kubby!
Kubby! Kubby!

Kubby! Kubby! Kubby!
Kubby! Kubby!

Kubby! Kubby! Kubby!
- Oh, the rising begins.

ALL: Kubby! Kubby! Kubby!
Kubby! Kubby!

Kubby! Kubby! Kubby!
Kubby! Kubby!

Kubby! Kubby! Kubby!

Kubby! Kubby! Kubby!
Kubby! Kubby!

Kubby! Kubby! Kubby! Kubby!

Kubby! Kubby! Kubby!

[bus brakes squeaking]

- And she's stopping the bus.
Why is she stopping the bus?

POLICE OFFICER: Folks,
so sorry for the interruption,

but there's a wild animal
on the loose.

Kubby has been spotted in
the vicinity.

Police are securing the area.

We don't want to scare
the poor little guy

any more than he already is.

We need everyone to stay
on the bus,

but we'll get you moving again
as soon as possible.

- No, no, ma'am.
Sorry. Sorry.

Uh, that can't happen.
I have a very important

appointment with a lawyer,
actually.

So it's legal, so you should
know how the drill goes.

I should go, and then
lock them up if you want.

- Like I said:
no one is getting off this bus.

- [whispers]
f*ck my life.

- See?

If you were still driving
for the rideshare company,

this sh*t
wouldn't have happened.

[car horns blaring]

[soft tense music]

♪ ♪

[Keef exhales sharply]

- I'm gonna miss
my appointment.

I'm gonna miss my appointment,
and then tomorrow,

Toast N Butter will be
the new spokesman for !sis.

- [scoffs] Yeah, I don't know
if that's their demographic.

CLOVIS: No, I don't know, bro.

!sis do do a lot of work
with the kids, man.

- [whispers]
To hell with this sh*t.

Son of a...

[horn blaring intensifies]

Ma'am, uh, can you open
the doors, please, so I can go?

- Can you stand behind
the red line, please?

- Sorry about that.

I just, um--I have
an appointment with a lawyer.

It's very important,
and it was really hard for him
to squeeze me in.

And if I miss this appointment,
it'll be another week

or possibly more before
I can get another appointment.

So I hope you understand.

- You heard the officer.

There is a wild animal
out there.

No one's getting off this bus
until she gives me the say-so.

- I just feel like that's, uh--
I feel like that's illegal.

- Well, then you can
take it up with God,

and by God, I mean
the San Francisco
Transit Authority.

- You could literally just--

[laughs]

Oh, boy.
[inhales sharply]

The universe--the universe
is mocking me.

[cell phone bleeps]
- Oh! Look, everyone.

They started a GoFundMe
for Kubby.

It's up to K!

- To help him with what?
MAN: They sent me the link.

WOMAN: Do you think
they take Bitcoin?

- Wow.
You know what?

I'll spot you two guys,
make a donation in your name.

- Christ, man.
I gotta get off this bus.

- We all do.
Chill.

- Yeah, man,
quit being so selfish.

Why don't you think about it
from Kubby's point of view?

How do you think he feels
right now?

WOMAN: He's not just any bear.

He can code.

- The bear cannot code!
- He can.

- I'm sorry, he can't.
I made that up.

Surprise.

He does not work
for Bill Gates.

- No, he works for Jeff Bezos,
not Bill Gates.

KEEF: Really?
MALE VOICE: Keef.

- What?
MALE VOICE: My son...

yes.

Follow my voice.

- I need to--I need a moment,
you guys.

Just give me a second.

[inhales deeply]

- Hello, my son.

KEEF: [sighs]

[church organ playing]

So a Bible.
That's new.

So what do you want?

- Your very soul.

[thunderclap]

Kidding--just kidding.

Jesus, man.
You gotta loosen up.

- You--you want me to
loosen up?

I'm trap on a bus
filled with a bunch of people

who think a bear can code.

Let's get to the point--
Toast N Butter.

I need to go and save 'em,
so help me get off this bus.

- You know,
Kubby has a lot more to do

with your journey
than you think.

- Come on, now.
I don't have time for
this sh*t.

- Maybe you should be
talking to a shrink.

I have several
I can recommend.

It helped Abraham.

- What?

Yeah, of course,
but--God damn it, man.

GUNTHER: Oh, my God.
KEEF: Do something...

- You're the crazy guy
on the bus.

- I'm the cra--

[laughs]

Stop.
No, I'm not.

I'm just--
[sniffs]

I'm not the crazy guy
on the bus, okay?

You're the one who thinks that

a koala is gonna spawn
a mutant army.

- Yeah.

KEEF:
And she thinks he can code,

and this guy over here thinks

butter is a vegetable, and...

GUNTHER: Okay, now
you're just saying words.

CLOVIS: Hey, Keef.

Are you a'ight, Keef?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

I just--this bear
is bugging me.

I don't know.

GUNTHER: I mean, look at it
on the bright side.

It's a nice thing.
It's bringing people together.

Who cares if it's a stupid,
supersmart koala?

- You know there are
other things

people come together over,
right?

How 'bout we try coming
together over--

I don't know--climate change?

Huh?
Ever thought about that?

Everybody's on this bus
for a reason; we're all broke.

Hmm?
How 'bout high rent?

Or this dude.
He needs some help.

Huh?

Anybody ever
look him in the eye?

Anybody ever give this dude
a dime?

Yeah, but you'll empty
your bank accounts

to send Kubby to college.

BUS DRIVER: [gasps]
Oh, my God.

They k*lled Kubby.

[all exclaim]

BUS DRIVER:
Put him in a choke hold.

- This day is never
going to end.

MAN: These f*cking monsters.
[overlapping chatter]

MAN: Got it on video.

- Oh, sh*t.
Keef, check this out.

- I don't wanna see the video.
Dude, come on.

He's dead,
and I'm sorry about that,

but this sh*t is ridiculous.

- Oh, my gosh,
you should watch it, dude.
This is history.

CLOVIS: Gunther, he don't wanna
see the video, bro.

GUNTHER: He has to.

It's our Harambe.

POLICE OFFICER: Code Kubby--
I think I've got him.

[grunting]
[Kubby squealing]

Come on.
Come on!

I got you, you f*cking rodent.

[overlapping shouting]

POLICE OFFICER: Don't move.
KEEF: No, no, no!
You got the wrong guy!

[Kubby squealing]
[helicopter whirring]

POLICE OFFICER: Get that
camera out of my face.

- No!

[laughs uncomfortably]
Anybody else hot?

[Kubby continues squealing]

[tense music]

f*ck. Oh, boy.
[bell dinging]

These windows don't open
either?

Can we not open a window
or is it just the doors?

Or...
[laughs]

CLOVIS: Keef,
you tripping, bro.

- I'm not tripping, okay?
I'm hot.

I need air, hence the beads of
sweat on my forehead.

That's what that's meant
to convey.

- Okay, and I want some
titty milk ice cream.

I'm not trying to
break open doors.

[Keef grunts]
[doors rattle]

BUS DRIVER: Sir--
CLOVIS: Hey, Keef.

You a'ight?
- I'm okay!

Will you stop asking me
if I'm all right?

Doesn't it look like I'm fine?

WOMAN: Uh, it doesn't look like
you're fine.

You might wanna
see a doctor.

- I'm not sick.
- I don't know, man.

I--I--I don't think
she's talking about

that type of doctor, bro.

GUNTHER: You know what, dude?

Maybe you should see a shrink.

It's not a bad idea.

- Can you just let me off
the damn bus, please?

- Like I said,
not gonna happen.

[alarm blaring in distance]

[overlapping voices]

- [softly]
Ahh.

[laughs]

[piercing dramatic music]

♪ ♪

ALL: No!
[overlapping shouting]

BUS DRIVER: Step off!
Step away--

KEEF: I'm--okay.
CLOVIS: Chill, bro.

[Keef panting]

- Oh, my God.

[inhales sharply]
Bless your sweet, little heart.

Uh...

- Oh, no, you don't.
You cannot--

- Hey, chill.
I got it.

- Sir--
- I'm just getting some air.

[shrieks]

- Oh, hell no.
GUNTHER: Keef...

don't forget your bag.
KEEF: Whoa!

[grunts]

[thudding]
- What the f*ck is he doing?

[all groaning]

Damn!
GUNTHER: f*cking trooper.

- Oh.

I think he might be f*cked up.

[crowd shouting]

- [muttering]

Hey, yo, Keef, slow down.

KEEF: What?
CLOVIS: Hey, m*therf*ckers on

the Underground Railroad
didn't walk this fast,

and they had dogs behind them,
bro.

- I need to go home.
CLOVIS: g*dd*mn.

- Yo, check it out,
got a Kubby shirt.

Why are you looking at me
like that?

KEEF: Judas.
- Judas?

- Yeah, he chose sides
and so did you.

GUNTHER: Choosing sides?
I bought a shirt.

- I had to do one thing today--
one thing--

and I couldn't even do that.

- Why can't you just
go to a lawyer tomorrow?

- Because my free appointment
was for today.

Today.
CLOVIS: Whoa, man, chill.

You gotta let that sh*t go.

- It doesn't matter
if I should let it go

or if you think
I'm obsessing or whatever.

It should be my choice,
and they just took 'em.

And I can't do anything
about it.

They can take my work,
and I can't do anything.

They can take my--they can take
my life!

Ain't nobody out here
crying for me!

- Dude...
- Hey, what's really going on,
bro?

- Look, all I know is that
somebody's out there right now

getting their ass b*at for
doing nothing but breathing.

Okay?
And nobody gives a damn.

You got six-year-olds
locked in cages and sh*t,

and everybody's out here
crying over a f*cking koala
named Kubby.

LORNA: We have just heard
from animal control that

the offending officer
has been terminated!

[crowd clamoring]

No, no.

That is not enough.

We the people will not rest
until the mayor,

the city assessor,
and the toll operator

on the left side of
the Bay Bridge

when you're coming back
from Oakland resign!

[cheers and applause]

As we listen to

the sweet siren sounds of
the Digeridoo-dads,

please come and share
your thoughts

and feelings...on
the Kubby Wall of Tears.

- I got something
I would like to share.

LORNA: Great, come on down.
CLOVIS: What is he doing?

KEEF: Excuse me.

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

Thank you.

[crowd shouting]

From the heart,
you know what I mean?

Kubby meant so much.
This is from me.

[crowd murmuring]

[crowd jeering, booing]

- f*ck you.

- Cool, man.
Yeah, that makes sense.

f*ck me, 'cause that's what

you've been telling me
this whole time.

f*ck me.

- Nobody cares what you have
to say.

- Believe me, sir,
I am well aware that

nobody cares about me.

Y'all don't care about, uh--uh,
people getting choked out.

You care when we get sh*t?
Hmm?

[laughs]

Y'all don't care about
that sh*t at all.

You know what
you do care about?

Kubby.
It's very evident.

And that's good.
You should care about Kubby.

But you know who else
you should care about?

People.

MAN: Yo, why does it always
have to be about race?

KEEF: Hold it.
It's not just about race.

It's about justice.

- Look, calm down, man,
or I'm gonna call .

- Has anybody seen his sign?

[man shouting]

G--you know what?
f*ck me? f*ck you.

Give me this sh*t.
[crowd screaming]

- So sh--should we get him?

- No.
No, actually.

I think he needs this.
It's good for him.

KEEF: Are you sh1tting me?

Sh--you--what the f*ck?

Oh, so cute.

[glass shatters]
[crowd booing]

Oops.

[crowd jeering]

[glass shatters]
We are not Kubby!

[overlapping shouting]

- Okay, yeah.
No, now we should
probably get him.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This sh*t
just getting interesting now.

- Oh, it's Kubby.
Oh.

Oh!
Go get him!

[all booing]

ALL: Kubby! Kubby!
Kubby! Kubby!

[Brenda Lee's "I'm Sorry"]

♪ ♪

LEE: ♪ I'm sorry ♪

♪ So sorry ♪

♪ That I was ♪

♪ Such a fool ♪

- [panting]

Okay.

I think I need to see somebody.

LEE: ♪ Love could be so cruel ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You tell me ♪

♪ Mistakes ♪

♪ Are part of being young ♪

♪ But that doesn't right ♪

♪ The wrong that's been done ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I'm sorry ♪

♪ So sorry ♪

♪ I'm sorry ♪