01x01 - B-Minus

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "God's Favorite Idiot". Aired: June 15, 2022 - present.
A midlevel tech support employee finds love at exactly the same time he becomes the unwitting messenger of God.
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01x01 - B-Minus

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["Sign of the Times" by Harry Styles.]

[siren wailing.]

[distant expl*si*n.]

[man sings along.]
Just stop your cryin'
It's a sign of the times ♪
Welcome to the final show ♪
I hope you're wearin'
Your best clothes ♪
Honey, you want some dinner?
You can't bribe the door ♪
- On your way to the sky ♪
- Oh, you're having dinner.


Where's your brother?
You look pretty good down here ♪
Skittles, it's dinnertime.

- But you ain't really good ♪
- [meows, purrs.]

- Skittles!
- We never learn ♪
- We've been here before ♪
- Where'd you get to?
Why are we always stuck ♪
- Skittles!
- And runnin' from ♪
- Where are you?
- The b*ll*ts ♪
- You in these trees?
- Your brother's already had his dinner.

- The b*ll*ts ♪


We never learn
We've been here before ♪
What the
Why are we always stuck
And running from ♪
- Uh
- The b*ll*ts? ♪

Just stop your cryin'
It's a sign of the times ♪
We gotta get away from here ♪
[song ends.]

[upbeat music playing.]



That was weird.

- [horn honking.]

- [siren wailing.]

You take my heart ♪
Oops, no country.
No country.

- [banjo playing.]

- All right! ♪
No country.

- Ow!
- [static crackling.]

Dang it.

["Sign of the Times" playing.]

It's better, though.

Will we ♪
[sings along.]
♪ever learn? ♪
We've been here before ♪
It's just what we know ♪
[tires screech.]

Stop your cryin', baby
It's a sign of the times ♪
- We gotta get away ♪
- Three greens in a row.
Must be my day.

["The Temples Of Syrinx" by Rush.]

You're on the phone!
Get off your phone!
You're not that interesting.

- Our great computers ♪
- Thanks, man.

- Fill the hallowed halls ♪
- Hey.

- Hey, Bob.

- Looking good.

- Yeah, I know.

- We are the priests ♪
- [horn beeping.]

- Come on.

Of the Temple of Syrinx ♪
All the gifts of life
Are held within our walls ♪
- Oh, hi, Amily.

- Hi, Amily.

I don't have time for light chitchat.

Connie, Jenna, can you get out, please?
Get, go, go, go, come on.

Get out, get out, get out, get out.

- Eff off.

- That's a bit rude.

Okay, I have something to tell you
and it is hella important.

Okay, no one says "hella" anymore.

Yes, they do, Tom! All the time.

I'm not sure they do, Amily.

Like they don't change
the first letter of their name
from an E to an A
to sound more interesting.

It's based on a French movie
about a French woman named Amélie
who gets bangs cut,
so if you haven't heard of it
Was it any good?
I haven't actually seen it,
but I heard it's amazing.

It That's not what we're talking about.

The point I'm trying to make is that
I saw something crazy last night.

And I do wanna just
be completely open and honest.

I just wanna preface
the whole thing by saying,
yes, I did cocaine twice last week,
but I did zero cocaine preceding
the event I'm about to describe.

- Jesus.

- I also, uh
accidentally roofied myself last night,
but I don't know if that's relevant.

How do you accidentally roofie yourself?
It's a lot easier than you'd think.

I was at a restaurant.

I'm sitting at the bar, scrolling
my live panda feed from China that I love,
and I see this guy,
and he's looking at me,
and I'm like, "He likes what he sees.
Go in my pocket, pull out a mint.

Popped a mint.
It's not a mint.

It's a beta blocker.
So I wash that down
with four to six tequilas
and then I try to order some food
to right the ship.

This restaurant does not serve food.

- Were you at a bar?
- I was at a bar.

So I'm at this restaurant
that really is a bar,
and I realize, "Oh my God, I don't have
my purse.
I've left it at work.
I'm gonna stop right there.

I wanna stay in integrity.

I did cocaine three times last week.

Okay, look.
You gotta cut to the chase.

Also, tell the truth the first time.

How about this?
Why don't you tell your face
to tell your face the truth
the first time?
Or tell that 'stache to tell the rest
of your face the truth the first time.

My 'stache, which doesn't have a mouth,
it's on top of my mouth,
it's gonna tell my face the truth?
- What you doing?
- You got b*rned.

- You think that's a burn?
- Oh, I'm looking at scorched earth.

- So
- Are you? Because I'm quite comfortable.

That was a pretty good burn.

I'd give that a solid six.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

Anyway, shut up.
Doesn't matter.

I came in here, work,
late last night and went to grab my purse.

[Amily's voice.]
Clark is sitting
at his desk, where he always is.

Except he's glowing.

What do you mean, glowing?
He was glowing.
He was
He was actually, literally glowing.

Like from the inside.

You know, this bright but soothing light.

Holy shit.


Clark was glowing.


Just the one beta blocker, then?
Guys, he was glowing, okay?
I mean, he was like a little bug,
or one of those
deep, deep sea creatures that glow.

You Wendy, you know
what I'm talking about.

Why would I know?
Because The big squids that aren't
really the big squids but they glow.

I'm assuming Australia has them.

I wouldn't know,
because I'm not from Australia.

I'm from New Zealand,
which I've told you numerous times.

It's a moot point,
because I'm not buying any of this.

You told us you roofied yourself.

You didn't drive afterwards, did you?
No, but I did ride my scooter here.

- Amily, you can't do that.

- Oh Yeah.
Don't do that.

- For your safety, for everyone's.

- Yes.
For everyone's safety.

- Yeah.

- What Mohsin said.

- You cannot drive home.

- No.

- Wendy's right on the money.

- Thank you.

Okay, I'm just gonna come out and say it.

Your story is a big ol' nothin' burger
on a nothin' bun,
served with a side of nothin'
next to a tall glass
of frosty whatever.

You're a pile of shit, Tom.

Look, guys, Clark's our friend,
okay, and he's the sweetest, and, ugh.

I don't
I'm not comfortable talking about him.

- It doesn't matter, it's not true!
- It is true.

If you want us to believe
something this crazy is true, prove it.

How am I supposed to prove that, Tom?
I don't know.
Just ask him if he glows.

I can't just ask him.

What if I spook him and he, you know,
goes underground
or, like, you know, hides?
Where's he gonna hide?
You know what? I'm gonna ask him.

- You are not.

- I'm gonna.

- No, you're not! I will end you so hard.

- Okay.

- Do you understand?
- Yeah.

- Look at me.
Look at me!
- Yes.
Copy, copy, copy!
- Look at me more!
- More?
- More!
- Yes, good.

Clark could be my Sasquatch.

Okay? And that would
make me, then, Indiana Jones.

And that's probably
the one sh*t I got at it, so
I don't know how or why he glowed,
but I know that he glowed, okay?
Maybe he's an alien.

Maybe he grew up next to the the
- Power lines.

- Power lines.
Thank you.

Hell, maybe it's biblical.
I don't know.

Is Sasquatch part of the Bible?
I don't know.
I'm Muslim.

- [Clark.]
Hey, guys.

- Hey!
- Oh!
- How you doin'?
Well, quieter vibes today.

Did I do something weird?
Did I bring in a weird energy?
No, no, you're fine.

Oh, okay.
Uh, it's
Reverse surprise
'cause it's not your birthday!
I just don't think
that what you're saying is true
or that it actually happened, okay?
Not because you're a liar.

That's not what I'm saying.

It's just, you do
take a lot of recreational dr*gs.

Do you remember that time last year
when you took three Tylenol PMs
for your headache at lunch,
and then you thought
you saw a bobcat in the bathroom?
Yeah, I do, and in my defense,
I thought I was taking three Vicodin.

So it's not apples to opioids.

But And I I still do think I saw
some kind of fur in the other stall.

You need to stop taking dr*gs, okay?
And Clark doesn't glow.

Something up with Clark?
What's up?
There is nothing up with Clark.

Tom, stop eavesdropping
on my private conversation
or I will shave that 'stache
and put it somewhere else.

- That's not even a good thr*at.

- It's a great thr*at.

Okay, I don't like to pull rank, but
I can't have you threatening each other.

He's not threatening me, Frisbee.

I'm threatening him.

Frisbee, she wishes.

Okay, love it if you guys
stopped calling me Frisbee.

- But that's your name.

- It is not my name.

In fact, it's nobody's name.
No one
No one on Earth is named Frisbee.

So no more Frisbee.

It's your name here.

I have to call you Frisbee 'cause you look
exactly like all those other white guys
that wear the
What are the longer shorts
with all the pockets?
- Cargo shorts.

- Ha-ha! Cargo shorts.

And then the Tevas,
and, like, the Tommy Bahama linen shirts,
and you throw your disc
in a grassy public area.

Frisbee golf?
- Yeah.
That's why you call him Frisbee.

- [Amily.]

- Because of Frisbee golf.

- [Mohsin.]

So that's why I have to call you Frisbee,
because of that.

So take care.
That's all.

Okay, quick reminder.

Uh, I am your direct supervisor,
and I need you guys
to kind of buckle down
Tell me that's not alcohol?
Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

Just, let's all Let's do what we can
Let's get to work.
Good job.

- Hi, Frisbee.

- How you doin', Clark?
On the move.
On the move.

[Mohsin coughs.]

- [Tom.]
Uh Okay.
Thank you.

- Yeah.
You're gonna need it.

- Everything okay, guys?
- Good.

- [Amily.]
Yeah, good.

- Good.



[keys tapping.]

Don't take this the wrong way.

I'm saying this from deep affection,
but you are acting crazier than normal,
which is very crazy.

Well, I'm deeply offended
that you don't believe me.

I can't.
It's just too nutty.

Remember last summer
when you took a bunch of Adderall
with margaritas,
and thought you met Oliver Twist?

The whole point of taking Adderall
and margaritas is so you don't remember.

Good point.
But look, if you ever
really wanted to prove Clark was glowing,
you'd need to make him glow again.

Sort of jar it out of him somehow.

- You can't just make people glow.

- Mm, because people don't glow, Am.

- What?
- Uh, Am.

- I don't like when you shorten my name.

- Yeah.

- It's weird.

- I'm sor Oh, there he is.
- [whispers.]
Don't say anything.

- I won't.
Sh, sh, sh.

- Don't!
- Ahem!
- Hey.

- Hey!
- Mohsin, how are ya?
- Good.
What's, uh what's going on?
- Oh, just makin' some copies, old school.

- Yeah.

Do you need copies made,
or do you need to use the copier?
- No, no.
I'm fine, you know.

- You're good?
- Oh, that.
Love that.

- All good.

- [screams.]

- [yelps.]

What the heck, Mohsin?
I think it's tetherball, but really
this is Tom's one and only ball.

[all laughing.]

You've gotta stop pining over her, Clark.

- I don't think I'm pining.

- Yeah, you are.
You're pining.

[Amily laughing.]

Oh, gosh.
Just look at her, though, huh?
- Clark.

- What?
You had your chance, okay?
And you missed your chance.
You blew it.

Yep, I did.

You should've
asked her out years ago.

I know.

I think about that night
all the time.

- Stick a fork in me.
I am done.

- [rock ballad playing.]

- See ya, Frisbee.
Have a good night.

- See ya, guys.

I wouldn't even hesitate
to stick a fork in him.

Looks like it's just us.

Have a lovely evening.

Okay, look, Clark, we can't
go through the story again, okay?
I'm not, I wasn't planning
on going through the entire story.

- Yes, you were.

- Yeah, I sure was.

Are you okay?
Oh my gosh.
Stay still.
Don't move.

- Frisbee.

- Huh?
Stop twiddling with the blinds.

Uh Th Okay.

[door closes.]

- Hey, man.

- Oh.
Hey, you know, Tom, um
I'm wondering if we could
maybe not have a talk right now.

'Cause mostly I try to pretend that these
moments in my life, um never happen.

And, uh, I would like to not share them
with anyone at all.

Uh, not even with you, Tom.

Look, man, I know what you're gettin' at,
but people poo.

We're all gonna have to get over it.

That's a fair point.
I guess
we're having a conversation now,
so, uh, why don't we get to it
so we can get through it?
Uh, what's goin' on?
Well, that's the question, isn't it?
See, I'm gonna need you
to settle an argument.

Someone's been goin' around
spreadin' some bullshit that,
I don't know, maybe you glow?
What? Glow? What do you mean?
You know, like glowing.

So, what is it?
Do you or do you not glow,
with, like, an orangish-yellow light
that comes from within?
Who's saying this?
Oh, I'm afraid I'm not at liberty
to divulge my source.

- Why?
- Well, because I'm terrified of her.

And she'll get mad at me.

So don't say anything to her.

I don't want her to know she's all up
in my mental kitchen, you know?
I can't tell her, Tom, because
I don't know who you're talking about.

We're getting off topic here.

Do you or do you not glow?
- Not to my knowledge, no.

- Boom! See?

Yeah, I knew.
I knew.
It's a ridiculous
question to ask.
Nobody glows.

Phew! That's a load off.

- Oh, and a word of advice?
- [stall door creaking.]

Don't take too long in there, man.

Just [grunts loudly.]

Get after it.

Let's never do this again.

Thank you! Goodbye!
Hey, Clark.

Are you, uh just digging into
a sad little box of lettuce?
Oh, I don't know.
There's some fun stuff
in here.
There's, like, a crouton.

- I think there was a raisin in here.

- Ooh, a singular raisin.

- Yeah, he didn't last long.
I found him.

- [chuckles.]

So, uh how you feelin', Clark?
You're feelin' okay?
Funny you should mention that.

Everyone's mentioning that today.

You know, Tom just asked me
in the bathroom if I glowed.

What? That f*ck.

- What?
- Just, you said Tom and
If I think about Tom, I just think,
"Boy, he's a real f*ck.
Oh, I kind of think he's more
of a diamond in the rough type of guy,
but, uh it's funny
everyone's mentioning that today.

I wonder I have been feeling
a little bit off.

You know, uh 'Cause
Only 'cause you brought it up, I was
I was gonna say that I I did stop in,
uh, kind of late a few nights ago,
into the office, and, uh
you you did look different.

- Like how so?
- Uh
I would say lighter
would be
- Lighter would be the
- Oh.

- When you passed out on your scooter?
- Yeah.

Oh, my gosh.


You know, anyway, I'm glad
you kinda stopped in, in the break room.

[clears throat.]
I had something
I wanted to talk to you about.

- Oh?
- Just stop your cryin' ♪
- It's a sign of the times ♪
- Do you hear Harry Styles' song?
Because I'm hearing Harry Styles.

Yes, because it's playing.

- Of course I do.

- How is it on?
Tom's probably tinkering around
with his stupid [whispers.]

Oh, but doesn't [whispers.]
have to play what you ask it to play?
Yeah, but Tom programmed it, so God knows.

Alexa, stop.

[music continues.]

- Alexa, stop.

- Alexa, stop.

[music stops.]

Tom probably programmed it to respond
to some other name or something.

I didn't know you could do that.

Why would he do that?
Because Tom's a big idiot.

f*ck off, Amily.

Stop listening to other people's
conversations, you little prick!
I'd love it if you two would stop
screaming obscenities at each other.

Frisbee, look directly at Tom
and tell him to f*ck off.

No, I'm not I'm not gonna do that.

Don't walk away!
I am late for a budget call.

That's a lie.
That's not true!
God, he runs like a giant toddler.

Why doesn't he move his arms?
I don't know.

You know, this is probably
not a good time, but I just wanted to
- I cannot hear a word you're saying.

- Oh.
I was trying to keep my volume low
because other people were hearing
and [whispers.]
Alexa's listening.

Your volume was internal.

It was not audible.

Got it.
This is more of a personal,
um thing.

I just was wondering,
um, if you'd like to go out sometime?
But with but with me, though? Um I
I ask because I think you're really nice,
and you're, um
you're very you're very lovely,
um, and you're you're very bold.

And also, in a non-harassment way,
in the workplace, I wanted just to say
that I think you're not ugly.

- Oh.

- Phew.
In an attractiveness way.

Ooh, that's not it.
That is not it.

You basically just called me a dude.

And an ugly dude.

Perhaps we could imagine
I'm doing this better.

Could we pretend, perhaps,
that I'm a Brad Pitt? I don't know him.

I should call him Bradley Pitt.

Could we pretend I'm Bradley Pitt
doing this how he would do it,
like Bradley Pitt is inside my body?
Oh, that's Okay.

- Nope.
No, Bradley
- It's a different visual.

He's not Yeah, he's not there, and, uh
Just, let's wipe our slate clean of that.

I feel that if I keep talking,
I can dig my way out of this.

I don't think there's a shovel
on the planet that can facilitate
the amount of digging you need.

You know what this makes me think of,
or reminds me of,
is kind of like like a quiet meteor,
just kind of screaming towards the Earth.

And you know it's gonna h*t.

It's definite.
Death is coming.

But it's not gonna happen
for, like, 18 months,
so just that t*rture is dragged out,
uh, almost forever, it feels like.

That's that's what it makes me think of.

I'm so deeply sorry.

So, 7:00 tonight?
Oh, what? You wanna go?
Yeah, sounds fun.

[elevator dings.]

Cheeky Clark.
I can't believe
that he finally asked you out.

Nobody believes I saw him glow,
but I did, and I'm gonna get some answers.

Plus, he's got a great can.

- Does he?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, we gotta pump the brakes.

"Can," uh, is short for buttocks.

And "buttocks" is not allowed.

It's inappropriate work conversation.

I didn't say "buttocks.
You said "buttocks.
" You took it weird.

- Uh, you
- Did you tell Tom to f*ck off yet?
If we can't say "can,"
we can't say F-word, so no.

Can you tell Tom's buttocks to f*ck off?
- Frisbee?
- You know what? I, uh
- I can't hear you, because I'm too far
- [loud crash.]

- [yelps.]
- [clattering.]

Oh no! Oh no!
It's okay.
I have I have drop foot
'cause I have a damaged femoral tendon.

I'm in physical therapy, so it's fine.

- [wails.]

- You okay, Frisbee?
I don't even think it's that.

I think it's my ACL.

No, no, it's my foot.

Ooh, she's cramping up!
Oh, my God!
- What are you gonna wear?
- [Frisbee groaning.]

I'm gonna try a middle part.

- That'll be cute.

- Yeah.

- I love that for you.

- We're good.
We're good.

Whew! Whew!
I still can't believe
you don't drink at all.

Me neither.

That was such a weird thing to say.

I'm sorry.
I don't
That made no sense.

I think I'm just a little nervous.

Anyway, I wanted
to say early, if it's okay,
uh, just in case at some point in
the evening, you wanna flee or anything
- Okay.

- that I appreciate you going out with me.

I know it's not a favor,
but I'm just super
I'm super glad that you said yes
and that we're here.

I like that you say shit
that should embarrass you but it doesn't.

Thank you.
I You know
I think I just say what's on my mind.

Maybe that's just, like,
a product of having no game.

No, your game is that you have no game.

Oh, thank you for that.

I'll take it.
Thank you.

And who knows?
I mean, maybe you did us a favor.

Maybe if you had asked me out, you know,
back then and we would have gone out,
it could've gone terribly.

We could've been, like,
violently m*rder,
or stabbed, or like, you know,
- drowned, like, bound, gagged
- Whoa.

as*ault, thrown in a lake, pegged.

So maybe you changed our destiny
for the better.

So, I guess, thank you.

Well, I'm just happy that, uh
that didn't happen
- Yeah.

- And that we're here tonight.

Do you guys have any questions at all,
or ready to order?
Uh, I will have the tuna tartare,
and I would love three more of the little
tiny, uh, tequila drinks, please.

So three tequila sh*ts?
No, no, no, no.
Not tequila sh*ts.

I want, um, these little drinking vessels
to have tequila put inside of them,
making a tequila drink.

Or if this were "Bar-thelona,"
I would thay, uh
"Treth bambinoth.
The three babies.

The three babies.

Treth bambinoth, por favor-th.

I'll have those simultaneously.

And it's fine, 'cause
I'm not on a beta blocker tonight.

- Oh good.

- Yeah.

- Wait, what?
- Hmm?
- You ready?
- [Clark.]
Yes, absolutely.

I think I'll order the chicken,
but I have a question,
which is, is it on a rotisserie overnight,
or is it just for a few hours?
There's a question behind the question
before you even answer the first question.

I know, I'm sorry,
but how crispy does the skin get?
Because my father and I, um
we have Thursday night dinners,
and we always make, uh, chicken.

And, uh, really
Well, it's not always chicken.

But the meals in between making chicken
are like the meals that we're wishing
that we could have the roast chicken,
'cause it's such crispy skin.

and it's so delicious.

[voice fading.]
That's sort of, kinda,
the crux of what I'm getting at,
'cause my Dad and I
make roast chicken all the time.

What we do is we salt it, or we
air chill it, or both, and sometimes
Just stop your cryin' ♪
- It's a sign of the times ♪
- What's happening? Uh, hey, guys.

- Welcome to the final show ♪
- I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, everybody.

I wanna apologize.

Hope you're wearin' your best clothes ♪
I don't know why the song keeps playing.

I don't.
I really don't.
I'm very
I apologize.
I think this is my fault.

I'm really sorry, everyone.

Really sorry, Amily.

- This is not my intention at all.

- [loud click.]

- [song stops.]

- [exhales.]

So that stopped.
That was my bad.

[ethereal upbeat music playing.]

I knew it.

[man vocalizing.]
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