01x08 - Vending The Rules

[bunniefuu]

Raven's Home was filmed

in front
of a live studio audience.

(women chattering)

Good morning, Mother,
Auntie Rae.

Oh, hello, Levi,
Steve Harvey.

Why are you two
so dressed up?

We'd like to take a moment
of your time to discuss

the greatest
educational opportunity

of this or any generation.

Virtual reality goggles.
The future is now.

This amazing technology
will allow us to travel

to bold new worlds
and have awesome adventures.

All without triggering
my hay fever.

And for just $ .

Wow!
They're just $ .

I think "just"
stops at . .

But what if we paid for them ourselves
with the money you owe us?

Owe you for what?

I'm glad you asked.

We figured if you pay us for all
the stuff we do around the house,

we'd have more than enough money
to buy the goggles.

- (both laugh)
- Wow! That's That's amazing!

Chels, get this.
We owe them!

- (Chelsea laughing)
- I mean, we carried those two around

for nine months,
and what did we charge?

Oh, for womb rental? Nada!

We fed and clothed them
their entire lives?

What did we get
for that, Rae?

I'm still waitin'
on my check.

We keep a roof over their head.
Now, how often do we do this, Chels?

Er'y day, er'y day.

So come to think about it,
you owe us.

Now, do you still
wanna have this conversation?

Both:
We're good.

♪ Ahhh ♪

-♪ Hey ♪
-♪ Yo ♪

♪ Let me tell you somethin' ♪

♪ Had my vision
all worked out ♪

♪ But then life
had other plans ♪

♪ Tell 'em, Rae ♪

♪ It's crazy when things
turn upside down ♪

♪ But you gotta get up
and take that chance ♪

-♪ Maybe I'm just
finding my way now ♪
-♪ Learning how to fly ♪

-♪ And we're gonna be okay ♪
-♪ You know I got you,
right? ♪

♪ We might be wild, but you
know that we make it work ♪

♪ We're just kids
caught up in a crazy world ♪

♪ Come on! ♪
♪It's Raven's Home ♪

♪ - Yep! We get loud! ♪
♪ - It's Raven's Home ♪

-♪ It's our crowd! ♪
-♪ Might be tough ♪

♪ But together
we make it look good ♪

♪ Down for each other
like family should ♪

-♪ It's Raven's Home ♪
-♪ When it's tough ♪

-♪ It's Raven's Home ♪
-♪ We got love ♪

♪ Cause no matter the weather,
you know we gon' shine ♪

♪ There for each other,
you know it's our time ♪

(laughs)
Yep! That's us.

(laughing)

I still can't believe
you wouldn't get us

virtual reality goggles, Mom.

(scoffs) Really? I can.

One time I asked her
for regular goggles,

and she told me, "Swim
with your eyes closed."

That was great advice.
You're welcome.

And it saved me about $ .

If my dad were here,

he would totally buy us
those goggles.

He used to buy me stuff
all the time.

He's an amazing businessman.

He sure is, honey.

He's the best.

Uh, Chels, can I talk to you
for a second? Come here.

Are we talkin' about, uh,

your thievin' ex-husband,

or does Levi have another dad
I don't know about?

Oh, Rae! You're crazy!

Tess' dad's abouttime to pick you up
in his -wheeler.

Yes! His rig's
got a toilet in it!

I was gonna pee here,

but I'm gonna hold it
for the truck.

All right, be safe.

- Have a good day. Bye-bye.
- Nia: Bye, Mom.

(mutters)

Uh, Chels? (clears throat)

Why are you saying
nice things about Garret?

Oh, I just really wanna remind Levi that's
his dad's still a good guy, you know?

But he's-- he's not a good guy.

Oh, sure he made
some poor choices--

No-- No, Chels.
Cutting your bangs

without a mirror,that's-- you know,
that's a poor choice.

Um, Garret
is a criminal.

What do you tell people
when they ask where he is?

Oh, I-- I say
he's outta state.

He's in prison.

Yeah! Outta state.

Chels! You had an invention
that made you rich!

- You had infomercials, girl!
- Mm-hm.

And then Garret
took it all away.

Why do you keep sugarcoating
everything he does?

I don't know, Rae.I guess it's
'cause I like to see the glass half full.

You don't have a glass to see half full!
He stole it!

Seriously, this is not
good for you.

You cannot keep bottling up
your emotions like this.

It is not good for you
or Levi.

Raven Lydia Baxter,I am not holding in
any anger, okay?

Wow, now I know you're mad,
'cause you're usin' my government name.

I don't like it.

Man, by the time we save up enough
to buy virtual reality goggles,

everyone will be living
in virtual reality...

except us, 'cause we won't have
the goggles!

I can't believe the new vending machine's
already broken.

How am I supposed to get through Math
without a snack?

But you always
sleep through Math.

I can't do it
on an empty stomach.

I think I have
an extra granola bar.

Sorry, Tess.
This granola bar is $ .

But they only cost
a dollar at the store.

Unfortunately for you,
we're not at the store.

Levi, what are you doing?

We need money for VR goggles,
and the vending machine is broken.

It's classic supply and demand.
My dad taught me all about it.

But I don't have $ .

- Let's just say you owe me one.
- I'm not saying that.

Sweet.
We just made two bucks.

Exactly.And if we bring more snacks
from home and sell them,

we can make the money
in no time.

Guys, selling stuff at school
for profit is against the rules.

So keep your voices down, we don't
want anybody to know what we're doing.

What do you mean "we"?

Oh, we're getting in
on this.

Nia and I have been eyeing
some limited edition best friend sneakers.

They glow when they're
next to each other.

All right, you're in.

But I'm in charge.

You know the one in charge
takes all the blame if we get in trouble.

Levi's in charge.

I still don't understand

why we had to get our camping backpacks
out of storage.

'Cause they match. My dad says it
doesn't matterwhat you're selling

if people don't know
where to buy it.

Oh, no!
The vending machine's working!

Look at those fools over there
buying all those overpriced snacks.

They should be here
buying our overpriced snacks!

Machine won't take my bill.

This is some nonsense
right here.

I'm goin' to my car to get some change...
nobody touch my Honey Yums.

Great!
What do we do now?

My dad says you have
to crush the competition.

Well, our competition's
that vending machine.

You want me
to throw a rock through it?

Where'd you get a rock?

I carry it with me.

You think I'm gonna be the girl
who shows up without a rock?

(school bell rings)

Well, looks like we're not gonna get
those sneakers.

Both:
I guess we'll have
to think of another way

to show people
we're best friends.

We need
to shut this machine down.

I know! I'll unplug it and put the
"out of order" sign back on it.

Nobody will fall for that.

They fall for it!
Do it, Levi!

Unplug our competi--

Oh. You already did it!
(laughs)

Good for you!

Book, get ready to be rich.

Where'd you get
those sunglasses?

The vending machine. You want me
to plug it back in, I can get you some.

We totally sold out of snacks.

Almost. Levi still has
one granola bar left.

I don't care if it's cents
in the machine.

In these halls,
it's three bucks.

I've gotta give it to you, Levi.

Selling healthy snacks
at a moderate markup

is straight baller, yo.

I'm all about that snack life.

Should we tell them how ridiculous
they sound?

Nah, it's cute.

I know you didn't get this
from the vending machine.

Did somebody sell it to you?

Mm-hm.

An illegal snack ring, huh?

If I bust this, they might make me
a full-time teacher.

I can stop cuttin' hair
on the weekends.

Come on.

Hey, Rae, whatcha doin'?

Chels... (clears throat)

You can't keep ignoring your feelings
about Garret, all right?

So today, I'm gonna
help you let 'em out.

This is the prison
visitation window.

You're gonna play you, and I'm gonna play
your no-good ex-husband.

Oh! Ooh, you know
I love a good role play.

You know, I was a "thea-tah" minor
in college.

Let me just do a little vocal warm-up.
(clear throat)

- Unique New York, Unique...
- Chelsea?

Sit down.

...New York.
Okay, got it.

So, what's first?

Wow.

(imitating Garret)
Chelsea, darling, you look stupendous.

It's incredible,
you sound just like him!

Um, thank you, Garret. I'm very well,
you know I'm living with Raven now.

(imitating Garret)
Ughh...

I don't like that Raven friend of yours,
she talks too much.

Yeah, I hear that.

(mouths)

I'm just kidding.

So how are you?

(imitating Garret)
Well, sweetheart I'm in prison

so it's abysmal.
(chuckling)

I shouldn't be here
in the first place.

Well, Garret, you did
break the law.

(as herself)
Good job, Chels. Good job.

(clearing throat, imitating Garret)
Sweetie, they say

that since I had a quarter
of a million dollars

and a ticket to the Cayman Islands,
I was running away.

I wasn't running away!
No! I was building

a school for the children!

What? Is that what you were doing?
Rae, is that true?

(high-pitched) No!

Okay. Garret, no,
I know that's not true,

you were going to meet the woman you
were gonna run away with.

Good job, Chels.
Get him! Get him!

- Unless she was gonna be a teacher at the school...?
- Oh, Chels!

Chels, you had him!
You had him!

I'm sorry, Rae, I don't know,
I-- I've been making excuses

for Garret for so long,
I forgot how to get mad at him!

It's okay, we'll find
something else.

Okay.
What about interpretive dance?

You know, that was my major.

Guys, Spitz is onto us!
He knows about the snacks!

If Mom finds out about this,
we're dead.

Relax!
As long as he doesn't find us

with this backpack full of cash,

we'll be fine.

Booker:
There's Spitz!

Here Tess, you take it!

I don't want it!
Booker, you take it!

Not me. I'm too pretty
for detention.

Don't give it to me!

Hey!

I wanna talk to you kids!

Run!

(yelps, grunting)

(panting)

I need to check your backpack.

No... y-- you don't wanna
look in there.

Why not?

'Cause my mom packs me
a banana every day.

I don't eat
a banana every day.

So this is yours?

Yes. Yes, this is my most favorite
flowery head thingy.

Good day to you.

Hey, you!
Red backpack!

It's a rock.
I don't know why.

- Whoa!
- Tess, get back here!

Give me that!

I suppose there's
a good explanation for this?

Go ahead.
I'm listening.

Hey!
Where's your backpack?

I seem to have
misplaced it, sir.

Ha!
The garbage can!

I got you! You thought
you could outsmart me!

But you can't. 'Cause my brain's
my biggest muscle.

Coach Spitz,
please don't open it.

Probably should have told you
I had super balls in there.

I thought
there was money in here.

Looks like I owe you
an apology.

Where's my apology?

I said I owe you.

Whoa!

That was way too close.

Levi, where's the money?

Let's just say
I got it on me.

You glued the money
to your body?

I didn't have a lot of time!

All I had was a glue stick
or a stapler.

Coward!

Come on, let's get it off.

It's like a band-aid. You gotta
take it off real slow.

Ow!

Or was it fast?
I can ne--

No, no, no!
Cotton candy, that stings!

- Hey, I wanna try!
- No! You'll enjoy it!

Remember, buddy. You're doin' it
for the goggles.

Right.
For the goggles.

(screaming)
Hatchi-Matchi!

Crab cake combo!

Founding fathers,
that stings!

Wait! But how is my wedding china
supposed to help me

get in touch with my anger?

- You're gonna smash it.
- What? Why would I do that?

Because, Chels, there's only two things that
survived your relationship with Garret,

Levi and these plates, and I'm not
gonna let you smash Levi...

unless he uses my good
conditioner again.

No, Rae, these plates
are beautiful.

How am I supposed to get mad
at a modern chinoiserie

with a French country flair?

Maybe this'll help.

Oh, no.
Not the Schmop.

Oh yes, Chels,
the Schmop.

Your invention.
The thing that made you rich

until Garret stole
all your money!

- Put it away!
- No!

- Raven!
- Chelsea!

You worked so hard
for so long.

And then Garret came in
and took your money.

Now look at it, Chelsea.

Does it make you mad?

-Yeah.
-Yeah, it does, show me how
mad it makes you, girl.

- (screams)
- There you go!

- (laughs) How do you feel?
- I feel good, Rae, I feel really good.

- You ready? You ready?
- Yeah! Woo!

Oh my god, I can't even
believe this!

I'm not even mad that these plates
are like $ each!

Whoa!

Excuse me, did you just say I could resell
these plates for about $ apiece?

Well, probably more, they discontinued
this pattern.

Wh-- Noooo!

No, no, Chelsea, stop!

- Stop it! Stop it!
- Rae, come on! I'm finally feeling my anger!

Well, girl, I'm feelin' about $ , worth
of plates underneath this arm right now.

Well, this was your idea.

And it was a bad idea.

Rae, just give me
the plates, huh?

- No! No!
- Raven! What? Give me the plates!

No, Chelsea, no!

Aaah!

Listen here, we're gonna
walk down these stairs,

and you're gonna break
my plates, why?

'Cause they're worth nothing.

- We'll break those plates, too!
- No! No!

Rae? Come on!

I need to break those dishes.

Okay, all right-- Oh--
Here, look, break this tacky vase.

But I gave you that vase.

You did!
And I am willing

to sacrifice it for our friendship.

Levi:
Whoopi Goldberg, that stings!

-What are they doing?
- I don't know.

Almost done.Let me know
when you're ready.

I think I just need a minute
or two-- French bread pizza!

I keep thinkin' it'll stop
bein' funny, but it doesn't!

It's making me uncomfortable.
He looks like a baby owl with no feathers.

Last one.
Hold still, Levi.

Technically, it's not the last one,
but I prefer to remove the rest in private.

One... two...

(screams)

Who is makin' it rain in here?

Where did all this money
come from?

My torso mostly.

Okay, I want everyone in the living room
right now!

- Come on.
- Right now!

Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on!

No-no-no-no-no, no-no.
You stay.

Put some clothes on.
You look like one of them hairless cats.

So you're really not gonna
tell us where the money came from?

We believe it's in our best interest
to keep quiet.

I'm sorry, do you think
that you're in a police station?

You don't have any rights.
This is the United States of Raven!

Where'd you get the money,
you little punks, huh?

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, Chelsea!
Chelsea, come on now,

I'm the bad cop,
you're the good cop.

You're supposed to offer them,
like, a cold beverage and a way out.

Sorry, I guess getting in touch
with my anger's opened up the floodgates.

Yeah. Close them floodgates,
you're scarin' me.

Okay, you guys are not
gonna get away with this.

You better start talkin, huh,
or I'm gonna get those hair clippers,

and I'm not gonna stop shaving

until every single one
of you is bald.

No. No-no-no, not my hair.

That's how people tell the difference
between me and Booker.

Mom... I'm scared.

Yeah, I don't live here.
I'm gone.

Wait, no.
Wait, please don't tell your mama.

Please don't tell her.

Chels, you gotta calm down.

Come on, Rae,
they're about to break.

I can see it
in their beady little eyes.

(shouting)
Where'd you get the money, huh?

I will go out, and I will get
that pool noodle.

(shouting)
I will whack a kid with a pool noodle!

Chelsea!

Mom!
What's the big deal?

All we did was shut down
the vending machine,

so we could sell snacks
at school.

You did what?

We bent the rules
to get ahead.

Dad did stuff like that
all the time.

You're right! Your father did do stuff
like that all the time, Levi,

that's why he's in jail.

And now you're acting
just like him.

You don't know what you're talking about!

- Levi. Levi!
- Chels, Chels! Give him a minute.

- (door slams)
- No, Rae, you were right.

I wasn't honest
about Garret and...

now Levi thinks
what he did was okay.

Woo.
(sighs)

Wow.

So it was Levi all along?

You think you know a guy.

- Go to your room.
- For how long?

Until your kids let you out.

Hey.
Can I come in?

You know I-- I didn't mean
to yell at you out there, honey,

I-- I got really scared when I saw
you actin' like your father.

Why?
I don't get it.

You always say
Dad's a good guy.

Yeah, well, it's complicated.

Your father isn't a bad guy, but he did do
some very bad things.

And I should've
talked to you about it.

- Hmm?
- Why didn't you?

I was tryin' to protect you,

but I think in the end
I just confused you.

The truth is...
your father broke the law,

and he hurt our family, honey.

He's in prison
because he deserves to be.

So do you hate him?

No.
No, I couldn't hate him.

If it weren't for him,
I wouldn't have you.

I'm mad at him.

And you have
every right to be.

But, we're gonna
figure this out together.

You know?
Just you and me,

and if you ever
wanna talk about it,

I'm here.

I love you.

I love you, too.

- (groans)
Mom, not so tight.
- (gasps)

Still got a bad case
of money burn.

Oh!

You know, what you did
at school was very bad.

I'm gonna have to ground you
for two weeks.

Any chance of time off
for good behavior?

Well, I'll put in a good word
with the judge.

Oh. No, wait,
I am the judge, so, um, no.

Hi, I'm Chelsea Grayson,
inventor of the revolutionary
new cleaning tool,

the Schmop.
It makes housework...
shmousework.

(laughs)

I didn't know they had mops
in the olden days.

The olden days? Boy, that was
like seven years ago.

How have we not seen this?

Well, Nia, for a while there,
I just wanted to forget

about that part of my life.

I'd wanna forget
that hairstyle.

All right, all right now.

Even though her hair is awful,
you don't say it to her face. It's rude.

I can say it, though, 'cause
I'm your bestie.

I'd be careful what you say

about my hair, Rae,

I think you're in this, too.

(gasps)
Turn it off! Turn it off!

No! No! No! No! No!

- We gotta see this.
- (Chelsea laughing)

Now listen up, guys.

If you order now, we'll send you
a second Schmop

for no extra charge, right?

That's a Schmop
for you,

and a Schmop
for your best friend. (laughs)

Yep! That's me!

(both laughing)

(laughter continues
on computer)

Okay, okay, okay, first one

of you to laugh
is grounded.

We're already grounded!

(laughter)