04x08 - Cursed Treasure

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: Previously on Escape the Night...

The heroes venture into the Arabian exhibit

to free a genie.

Free me from these chains.

-How can we free you? -How can we free you?

NARRATOR: They outsmart the enemy.

-You wrote my name? -Yes!

You murderous bitch!

Break the horse.

NARRATOR: But the magic holding Nikita fails.

Be strong.

BRETMAN: Oh, my God, Nikita!

NARRATOR: A wish is granted.

I will return one of your friends from the dead.

[ALL EXCLAIM]

NARRATOR: But the outcome remains to be seen.

What did you wish for, Joey?

We just took the Dread Pirate's ship.

-What should we name her? -I already got one.

Rorik's Thunder.

You've left my name out.

I am making you first mate.

But I k*lled the g*dd*mn Dread Pirate.

And I planned the g*dd*mn att*ck.

Fine. Co-captain.

Who the hell has ever heard of Dread Pirate co-captain?

"Aye, ye, taken me ship, but you'll never take me."

A treasure.

"The map is hidden where no man will ever find it."

-Did you say treasure? -Treasure.

I gotta find that map before someone else does.

Sorry, love, I'm taking it for meself.

Okay, let's do it.

-Okay. Okay. -BRETMAN: Here we go.

ALEX: Whoa!

Oh, my God!

[YELLING]

Whoa!

Round them up.

Come on, let's go.

Bitch, we on some pirate sh*t.

PIRATE 2: Oh, you little babies.

-[g*nshots] -JOEY: Ro, come on!

-Hide, hide, hide, hide. -PIRATE 2: I can smell them.

You cowards come out and fight.

Where are you? Show yourself.

They are working for that traitorous bitch!

PIRATE 2: Aye, aye, Captain.

These pirates, they're not friendly.

I see one of them out there. Come on.

PIRATE 2: All right, then.

PIRATE 1: We're gonna get them!

The pirates are so mad. What's their problem?

Oh, my God!

We're facing pirates now?

Oh, my God! You guys, help me, please.

-Oh, Colleen. -Oh, Colleen.

-Colleen! -Colleen!

I can't believe this.

It worked.

Back up! I swear to God I'll cut her throat.

-Please don't. Please don't. -No, don't do that.

No, Colleen just got back.

-You guys, do something please, please. -JOEY: Okay, okay.

We'll do anything. Please, just let her go.

-Are you looking for Rorik? -Rorik?

Tall, terribly handsome.

-He was just here. -JEZEBEL: You're working for him!

Who is the captain?

Step forward, who is your leader.

-Sort of. -Joey, Joey, Joey.

You're not working with Rorik?

No. He tried to k*ll us!

I need you to swear an oath.

[SPITS]

[SING-SONG] I swear on a pirate's boat

if I change my words, then I'll cut her throat.

-Do I have to spit? -Repeat it after me.

But, do I have to spit?

Please spit.

[SIGHS] If it's for Colleen, I'll spit.

-[SPITS] -ROSANNA: Yes, Joey.

I swear on a pirate's boat...

-♪ I swear on a pirate's boat ♪ -If I change my words,

then I'll cut her throat.

It's pretty brutal, but it's got a ring to it.

If I change my word, then I'll cut her throat.

-Oh, my God! -ALEX: Oh, Colleen!

BRETMAN: Colleen. JOEY: Oh, you're back!

I'm so happy to see you!

As a mark of this truce,

I give you the pirate's ring.

-ALEX: What? -What is that?

One second she hates me and is trying to k*ll me,

and the next second she's giving me a ring.

Yeah, I'm really confused.

I was dead, and then, there was a genie, and then there was a smoke,

and then there was the pirate bitch who tried to k*ll me.

I don't know why she's still here. Can we make her leave?

Well, we had one wish to bring one of friend's back,

and we wished that it would be you.

So, you brought me back to the place where I can die again?

Honestly, I know I should be grateful

that I was brought back to life, but I'm pissed.

I'm, literally, just in a cycle of death.

-Well, we brought you back from the dead. -Well, if you look at it

-like that... -We just need you, Colleen.

-We need you. -Where's my thank you card?

Let's start there.

And I have a feeling that we're gonna need her, too.

Well, I feel like we're gonna need to battle this Rorik guy,

and clearly she has something out for him.

-We don't like him. He wasn't very nice to us. -We don't have any protection.

ALEX: This pirate was kind of cute,

but one of the other pirates is her ex.

Rorik is looking for this.

ALEX: That's the key, that's the key. BRETMAN: That's the key.

-We need the key. -We need that. We need to find this treasure.

You help me find the treasure, okay, you get the key.

They want to trust this crazy woman

who just had a dagger to my throat.

We have to find this treasure.

What other options do we have?

How do we solidify this? How do we bond this?

What's the deal?

-[JOEY SIGHS] -Okay, gotta spit again.

-Follow me. This way. -Okay.

-Come on, go, go, go, go. -Go.

She said, "Go, go."

-JOEY: Whoa! -Shh!

JOEY: This is so cool!

ROSANNA: This is nice.

-What are we looking for, though? -Okay, well, in this clue

with the key, it says,

"Aye, you've taken me ship,

"but you'll never take me treasure.

"The map is hidden where no man will ever find it."

This is where we found it.

JOEY: Oh. ROSANNA: Uh-oh. Okay, okay.

-Okay. -ALEX: What is that?

Some sort of weird creepy baby skull.

Wait, there's holes in the back.

It's like something that you put, like, as a key.

-It's a key. -And you maybe twist.

-Oh. -Okay, so do we need to find the keyhole?

Well, not necessarily a keyhole, but a key...

Like, something sticking out.

Here.

COLLEEN: Oh, my God! Alex for the win.

ROSANNA: Okay, little skull head coming through.

Line up the eyeballs, and boom!

COLLEEN: Ooh, nice! ROSANNA: Do we turn it?

-I would turn it. -ROSANNA: Yeah, let's give it a crank.

-Oh! -Oh, wow!

ALEX: It's gone. Push it in.

ROSANNA: What, it keeps... [SCREAMS]

[ALL CLAMORING]

-Careful, careful! -Oh, my God!

-COLLEEN: What do we do? -Oh, my God!

-COLLEEN: Are you okay? -We have to cut her arm off.

Cut her arm off!

No, Ro! What does it say? What does it say?

It says, "You've triggered my booby trap.

"The cabin will fill with poison gas once the last bag falls

"if you haven't balanced things out."

-The scales. -BRETMAN: The scales. We have to balance everything out.

I mean, is there a way to get me out of here without cutting off my arm?

That's about the only way I see it, love.

Well, that's plan B.

I am dependent on all of them to solve this

because I am trapped.

COLLEEN: "Points the ship." You guys, these are clues to something.

-We have to figure out what these mean. -ALEX: Oh, no!

-JOEY: Okay. -We're running out of time.

BRETMAN: We need items to put in here.

The cabin will fill with poison gas.

Let's just start balancing sh*t out. Like, hello?

So, what points the ship?

Like, a lady, like, the mermaid lady, she points the ship.

What's the front of the ship?

-Maybe, like, a compass? -JOEY: Watch out for the bags!

-Oh, here's a compass. Okay, here we go. -Yeah.

JOEY: Okay, that one's balanced.

One solved.

What does this one say?

"Saves the thumb." A thimble, a thimble saves the thumb.

So, a thimble goes on this, right?

I have sewed some dresses in my day because I was homeschooled,

so I know that's a thimble.

There's a thimble, there's a thimble. Right there.

-Very good, Colleen. -Okay, here we go. We got one.

JOEY: Put it on.

COLLEEN: "Stops the grog."

Okay, what the heck is a grog?

I've never heard of a grog before.

Grog, you know, getting drunk on grog.

Alcohol. We need alcohol.

Let's keep in mind that the last time we drank any alcohol,

two of us got poisoned and those two b*tches d*ed.

We need a cork. We need a cork.

-A cork, like this? -Yes, a cork. Yes!

-Got it! -[ALL SHRIEK]

Oh, my God! Was that all of them?

There's one more! There's one more bag!

We gotta hurry.

-"Holds the shirt." -COLLEEN: "Holds the shirt."

What the hell holds a shirt?

What holds a shirt? I don't know, a chest?

Like, boobies? Are we looking for a bra?

Like, I have no idea what to look for at this point.

A wardrobe. Is there a wardrobe?

-A button of some sort. -A button!

-Oh, my God, yeah, a button. -A button.

We need, like, a... Yeah, I think you're right.

-I think it's a button. -BRETMAN: Right here.

Oh! Yay, Bretman!

A wardrobe would be too big.

Yes!

JOEY: It worked, it worked. Oh, it worked.

-And a note. -COLLEEN: Uh-oh.

[EXHALES DEEPLY] That was close.

ALEX: "Think you can steal my treasure map?

"I know better so I tore it in three and hid my message.

"You'll need to spill some grog to find the way."

-We have to pour some alcohol. -Okay, so this is...

This is one third of the map.

This is grog for sure.

COLLEEN: Yeah, do we need to spill it on this?

-But what's this arrow? That's weird. -Oh.

Oh, there's raindrops.

Maybe we need to spill it on this. Spill it on this.

-JOEY: Okay. -All right.

-I'm gonna do it. -I don't know about this, y'all.

-ROSANNA: Do it, do it, do it. -[COLLEEN SHRIEKS]

I pulled my hand out, and there is a ring on my finger.

Oops! Did I do it again?

-Oh, you got out. -They put a ring on my finger,

like, I'm like, "Am I engaged again?"

She married an emperor, and now, she's engaged to a pirate.

She is getting around!

Wait, that's the same ring that Colleen has.

-Yeah, that's the same ring I have. -ROSANNA: Are we married?

-COLLEEN: Oh, I'd love that. -Did we just do nuptials?

-A pirate marriage. -[GASPS]

I'm kind of upset because all these girls

are getting these rings,

and I'm the most bachelorette here, honey.

Oh, wait! No, he was right. He was right.

-I was right. -Look, look, he was right.

"Head to Pirates' Bay

"and stack five skulls in a line...

-Floating. -"...on each floating dock."

-[ROSANNA GASPS] -Pirates' Bay.

-ROSANNA: Shiver me timbers. -That's what I was afraid of.

She's, like, not that excited about it,

which makes me nervous because she's a pirate,

so, if she's scared of going there, I'm like, "Well, pfft."

-Follow me. -Oh, my gosh.

-I'll bring the map. -How big is this ship?

We can't find this treasure until we find the three pieces

so let's go find those two other pieces on the map.

JEZEBEL: Get down, get down.

Where?

-[JOEY GASPS] -There they are.

Did you find anything yet?

-No, we're looking. -We've found nothing.

PIRATE 1: Isn't that Rorik's older brother?

Yeah. Don't let him know about that though.

-He's gonna be pissed. -"Stack five skulls in a line

"on each floating dock."

Where's the docks?

-Which one's your ex? -The big, tall man.

What happened between you guys?

It's complicated.

I can already tell that she still has feelings for her ex.

And I'm like, "Am I the only one who sees this?"

Listen, if they leave the dock,

-we need to make a run for it. -Okay.

-Did you find anything? -We found nothing yet.

That means they have the map.

Let's go. Keep down, keep down your voice.

Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet.

Down, down, stay down.

-Every time you do this... -Grab the scallywags!

JOEY: Go, go, go. Get on the boat. Get on the boat.

PIRATE 3: You're with us. You're with us. You're with us.

You're with us. Let's go.

-COLLEEN: Guys! -Sorry, sorry, it's time to die.

ROSANNA: This is a bad thing. This is a bad thing.

-Uh-oh. -Oh, my gosh.

Okay, it's up to us.

-Are we sure we want to do this? -PIRATE 1: I don't care.

-You know, I'm little. We don't need... -PIRATE 3: Shut your mouth!

That's not... I couldn't care less.

-They're leaving. -PIRATE 1: Oh, they're leaving.

Come on.

Oh, no, they're getting on a boat.

Go after them!

So, we have company.

-Well, now, what do we do? -I don't know. I feel...

-Can we get out? Is there a way to get out? -Let's see if we can...

-There is a map. -Oh, my gosh, look, we can pull these.

-Okay, Ro, wait, focus, please. -Oh, they're so heavy.

Ro, focus.

Oh, my God, they're coming after us.

-Grab the skulls. -You grab the skulls, we'll do the paddling.

-Yeah, Bretman. No, Bretman, we need the skull! -We need it, we need it.

We're gonna get ya.

COLLEEN: There's a skull right here, guys.

Guys, hurry up!

-PIRATE 2: What do we have here? -There's a skull right here.

-Joey. -PIRATE 2: Crying little babies.

-There's a skull right here, behind... -Hey!

I'm talking to you right now.

We're engaged to pirates.

-Oh, you are? -And we have rings to prove it.

-There's three right there. -There's more skulls over there. Quick.

Chase after them!

PIRATE 3: We're trying over here.

They don't even know how to row.

Good job. Good job, guys.

-[BOYS EXCLAIM] -Oh, Jesus!

Hurry up! What are you doing?

Oh, my God, they're coming!

They're so close.

-Scallywags! -Go, go, go, go. Row faster. Row faster.

-Water fight! -You've got big mouths

for being tied up, that's what I think.

And as soon as Captain comes back,

you're gonna walk the plank.

And, you, we're gonna drag off the end.

Why can't I walk off the plank?

Why are you letting these men win?

-They're my crew. -You need a lesson

from 2019, little miss pirate,

because women should stick together, y'all.

So we gotta put five on each dock

-in a line. -ALEX: One, two.

-[BOYS SHRIEKING] -Can we stop that?

Beautiful, Captain. Beautiful.

COLLEEN: Ro, Ro, Ro, Ro. ROSANNA: Hey, I got you.

-I got you. -No, Ro, listen. Come here. Come here.

-Okay, okay. -There's a bottle here.

-If I can reach the bottle... -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-...we can smash it on this queen's head. -Love that.

-Because she's not willing to be teamwork with women. -Yeah, they call it...

-They call it a winch. -You wanna do it?

You've gotta hit this winch.

RORIK: They're that way. Why are you coming to me?

-We lost them in the fog. -Turn around!

Bloody whiskers! What are you doing?

Okay, so five on each one. Give me a skull.

-Okay. -ALEX: Okay, let's go, let's go, let's go.

-Okay, we got skulls. -ALEX: How many did we have?

You guys, the buckets.

-The buckets. -[JOEY SHRIEKS]

BRETMAN: I'm not only gathering these skulls, honey,

but I'm also distracting these pirates.

You trying to drown me, are you?

-Get 'em. -I'm just doing everything again,

like the bad bitch that I am.

Bretman is, like, acting like he's a freaking mermaid on the front of the boat.

Calm down, girl.

So excited for you to die tonight.

Oh, thank you.

Get her!

This is a bar fight moment.

-She's got a key on her. -ROSANNA: Okay, find that. Get that key.

COLLEEN: I get the key from her neck and I unlock me and Ro.

-Okay, we have the map. -We've got a map.

Here's a pen.

-What do we do with it? -What are we supposed to do?

-BRETMAN: Is this five? -Yeah.

-Okay. -ALEX: Throw it on there. Throw it on there.

-Quick! They're coming. -One, two, three, four.

Okay.

[ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Go, go! You gotta paddle harder that side.

-Harder that side. -Oh, that is cold.

Oh, look, there's a combination, Ro.

-Okay, how many numbers? -We have to figure this out, Ro.

Okay, there's three, and it's numbers.

-Is this a thing? -Hello.

Give me a clue, Queen.

-Have you looked on this spot? -Oh, found a clue.

Okay, what does it say? What does it say?

"Hid the piece of the map between coordinates Jezebel has never sailed."

Okay. And then, we have this.

Sailing ledger. Voyage one, voyage two, voyage three.

ROSANNA: Where has she never sailed?

-So, is this Jezebel's voyage? -Yes.

"Use my captain's log to trace my journeys.

"Voyage one, Georgetown to..." Okay, got it.

That's why we need the pen. We need the pen.

Yeah, let's do this. Let's do this, let's do this.

JOEY: We did it on each dock. There's two docks, five skulls, we did it.

ALEX: Read the note. BRETMAN: Didn't we need to stack it?

JOEY: Okay. It says,

"Head to Pirates' Bay and stack five skulls

"in a line on each dock."

-In a line. -In a line?

-That's not in a line. -Oh, man!

Bretman didn't put them in a line,

so we have to go back and correct his mistake.

BRETMAN: You guys said just throw it in there. JOEY: No, we didn't.

ALEX: Throw it on there, throw it on there.

You, literally, said that.

Thanks a lot, Bretman.

BOTH: Georgetown to West Trask.

-Okay, got it. -We got that.

-Okay. -COLLEEN: West Trask to Pelaez.

-Pelaez to The New Colony. -Okay, okay.

-COLLEEN: Voyage two. -Okay, next.

Black Wolf Isle to Brysonia.

ROSANNA: Black Wolf Isle. Okay, here we go to Brysonia.

-Got it. Okay. -And voyage three,

Coppelega to Wenchleton.

ROSANNA: Got you. Boom.

COLLEEN: And then, Wenchleton to Phearson Island.

Okay. Down, going south.

-Okay. 217. -Yup.

So, that's gotta be the combination.

-We got this, girl. -Yes, yes. Thank you.

Yes! We did it!

-ROSANNA: Yes, yes. -Okay.

Oh, here.

BRETMAN: Okay.

ALEX: Careful. JOEY: Careful. Be careful.

ALEX: You got it. JOEY: Okay.

Line them up nice and straight,

not that you know what being straight's like.

-Don't knock us over, Bretman. -Oh, my gosh!

You can't really tell what Bretman wants to do.

Good job, Bretman. The chest is open!

-Go to the chest. -The chest is open. Let's go.

Paddle, paddle, paddle.

PIRATE 3: I can't get through now. I hit the dock.

ALEX: Slow down, slow down, slow down.

JOEY: Go, Bretman, go jump.

-Oh! -Yeah!

JOEY: Bretman! ALEX: Ooh!

We got the map.

Okay, we have two pieces of the map now.

RORIK: Do I have to do everything meself?

Well, I mean, it would've helped

if you would've helped is all we're saying.

-They're getting away, look! -They're getting away.

-JOEY: Is it clear? -Yes, guys, come here. Come here, come here.

JOEY: Okay, we got a map piece.

-We got the three pieces. -We got them.

I have to do everything meself.

Let's connect them.

This is the captain's quarters.

RORIK: I'm coming for you.

-Oh, the Captain's coming. The Captain's coming. -Hands off the map!

Oh, now you decide to do some work, eh, Captain?

-JEZEBEL: Bless the lot of you! -[expl*si*n]

-[SHRIEKING] -She's helping us.

Oh, I love you, Jezebel, but you've betrayed me

for the last g*dd*mn time.

JEZEBEL: If you loved me, you'd make me your equal.

Oh, jeez, they're fighting now.

-sh*t! sh*t! -Oh, that's just perfect.

Imagine k*lling your ex.

She has a lot of pent up anger.

Watch out!

I can see why their relationship's not necessarily working out.

It seems like they need to go to therapy maybe.

-Go! -Come on, grab the map. Let's go.

-Come on. -RORIK: Chase after them!

-Come on! -ROSANNA: Little fast feet. Little fast feet.

Little fast feet.

Okay, the coast is clear.

All right, so we've got the map.

Okay. So, let's see.

-This is the table -ALEX: Okay.

JOEY: There's supposed to be some sort of pirate hat here.

Okay, so we need a dagger, a telescope.

We've realized that we need to connect

the objects on the map to physical objects in the room

in the specific spot that the map shows.

There's the hat!

-The hat has to be in the center. -Bring the hat here,

let's put it in the center.

Oh, my God! You're alive!

Yeah, I'm alive. What did you find?

-We found the pieces of the map. -We haven't found anything yet,

we're working on it still. But, if we give it to you,

are you gonna betray us?

Because, I don't know, you pirates seem a little sketchy.

Never trust a pirate. Didn't you listen to any stories growing up?

Of course I'm not going to betray you.

-You are a pirate. -We're just making sure you're not gonna betray us.

-I thought we had a real connection. -COLLEEN: Wait. What?

-Did something happen? -Uh, well...

There's not many other options, even in purgatory.

The gorg is gone, so she's out of the picture.

There's no Tinder.

-Alex! -We're wasting time.

We need to find a dagger, we need to find a telescope.

COLLEEN: Okay, start looking. ROSANNA: A telescope.

-Oh, here's a telescope. -ROSANNA: Perfect.

-Yes! -Got it.

A dagger.

BRETMAN: Does it have to be a dagger dagger? JOEY: Wait, is this it?

Oh, that looks like a dagger. Yep.

That is a dagger if I've ever seen a dagger.

So, where does this go? This goes over here?

I'm gonna place it here.

-Now what? -JOEY: The hat's in the middle.

[expl*si*n]

Oh! Oh, my God, the treasure!

-[ALL EXCLAIMING] -ALEX: The key.

-We've got the key. -We've got the key!

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

Get your hands off me treasure.

-COLLEEN: Oh, my God. -Boys, sh**t these fools

-and gather my loot! -No, no, no, no, no!

I demand parley.

-Pirate's law. -Damn it! Fine.

We have a white glove. Parley.

You choose which one you take, and I'll k*ll the rest.

-No, don't k*ll them, please. -I said I'm gonna k*ll them

one bitch at a time!

[PIRATES LAUGHING]

COLLEEN: Oh, my God! What is happening?

I knew it. These two.

Oh, I can't look at this. I'm gonna be sick.

Last time I checked, Miss Jezebel didn't even like her ex,

and she was trying to k*ll him,

and now, they're making out on this table.

I thought we had something.

She might not be emotionally available yet.

Out of the goodness of my black heart,

I've decided you can have the key.

-All right. -Thank you.

But one of you must die for crossing my path.

Of course.

[SIGHS] Of course it wasn't that easy.

-Let them prove themselves. Let them prove themselves. -I know!

So, all of you must take the pirate's test.

And the last one through will be sh*t.

-[PIRATE 2 LAUGHS] -The one with the glasses.

Right. You two are already pirate worthy.

-COLLEEN: What? -You've got the rings.

So, what? So... So, that? Yeah.

The two women are the most piratey

of all the people here.

Don't cross the woman, honey.

-Give me the keys! -Should I give him the key?

-Don't give him the key. -Give me...

-Okay, all right. -...the key.

-You already gave it to us. -All right, you got the key.

We'll be outside waiting for the rest of ya.

Well, it's not too late. It's not too late.

-Good luck, you guys. -Hey, hey!

-Get out, you bitch. -Too much lip.

-PIRATE 2: Let's go, boys. -Damn it!

First, the belly dancers, now, Jezebel.

Why is love so elusive?

Listen. So, you two don't have to go in

-because you have the rings. -Right. I think that's what he said.

-So, it's the three of us. -It's a pirate's test.

If it's what we have to do, it's what we have to do.

ALEX: Good luck, guys.

No matter what happens to the three of us,

we need to come back and get out of here alive.

I hope there is some way that all three of them can come back alive

because we need all the help we can get to get out of here.

Stand next to your barrel.

-Which one do you want? -I'll go in the middle.

My strategy is to just focus on myself

and not let the competition get in my head.

I just have to b*at one of them.

I am more than prepared for this.

I did track in high school.

And there's nothing I can't do, honey.

ALEX: I'm not that worried because I'm gonna do

everything in my power to win,

and nothing is gonna stop me.

What could've been.

It's time to determine if you've got pirate blood in ya.

You're gonna roll one barrel from here to there,

take a drink of ale and roll it right back.

Next, you'll stand yonder

and take aim with your slingshot

and knock down one bottle.

And last, you'll row to the dock

and grab a Jolly Rogers and come on back.

-And what's a Jolly Rancher? -Go!

Now?

Let go of the barrel. Drink the ale, drink it.

PIRATE 2: Come on, drink it.

PIRATE 1: You can drink that. PIRATE 2: Gulp it down.

Oh, look at him.

You're slower than everybody else.

Bretman is fast.

He said he was fast, but I didn't believe it until now.

PIRATE 1: Drink that ale! PIRATE 2: We've got a loser!

-Drink it! -ALEX: Okay.

Bye, barrel.

Oh, God! I think I'm drunk.

I got it.

RORIK: You are the worst pirate ever.

Can't even roll a barrel!

JOEY: How in the hell do these work?

Okay. Oh.

Go, go, go, go. Go, run!

-Don't cheer him on. -I like that one.

-This is bad. -Are you even aiming?

-Was that too high or too low? -You need to change your glasses.

I think they all wanna die.

BRETMAN: Oh, my God! That was so close!

This one actually knows how to sh**t.

In the Philippines, we would have these slingshots,

and, girl, I was just channeling my old self.

-Yes! -RORIK: He got it.

I knew he was pirate worthy.

-Will you help me? -What do I look like, your girlfriend?

Oh, I did it!

-Bye, guys. -PIRATE 3: Get on it.

So, I make it to the boat, and Bretman is still there,

and I don't think he realizes

that he's still tied to the dock.

Oh, like a pirate ship.

This is my chance to get ahead.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my God!

So, I untie my boat, and I'm like, girl, I'm paddling.

Bitch, I'm Moana.

How did I know that you would be last again?

-Prepare to meet your maker, love. -Oh, my gosh.

You didn't even hit the barrel.

My aim is not the best.

Okay, I got it. Did I get it?

-No. -Oh, come on!

Alex sucks at bow and arrow.

Get it done.

Oh, he's finally got it.

RORIK: I don't know why you're even getting in.

We all know you're gonna be last again.

We should just save our time and sh**t him now.

ALEX: I just have to hope that they mess up

so I can catch up.

JOEY: Is there two or one? Wait, how many did you grab?

Bitch, give me one.

Oh, here.

Wait, there should be a third.

-I'll have to check. -JOEY: See if there's a third.

Yeah, there is.

Oh.

Maybe you should have taken some drinks of ale

before he started rowing.

[OVERLAPPING ARGUMENT]

PIRATE 2: Stop arguing, stop arguing.

PIRATE 1: You know what, Captain...

-ALEX: What are you doing? -I'm trying

-to save myself. -What are you doing?

See you later, Alex.

I guess the pirate life is for me after all.

This one is pirate worthy.

I want him to be my boy toy.

-You are definitely pirate worthy. -Yes!

-[PIRATE 2 CHEERS] -RORIK: You receive the key.

Thank you.

I'm an honorary pirate now.

You will address me as Bretman the pirate.

The one in the glasses is done, too.

-Bye, Alex! -We've got another pirate.

Whoo!

BRETMAN: Bye, bitch.

Alex didn't vote for my story,

and, honey, karma is a bitch.

How did I know that you would be last once again?

-[GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION] -You've failed at every single one.

-Don't k*ll him. -Someone definitely has to die tonight.

-Say when, Captain. -Rules are rules.

Oh, God, Alex.

ALEX: Being here in purgatory, I lost my way.

I thought maybe I was evil.

But at the end of the day,

I might not have pirate's blood,

but I definitely have a hero's heart.

I knew you weren't worthy.

Alex, thank you. Thank you for everything.

[g*n COCKS]

Give me regards to the devil.

Alex.

[PIRATES LAUGHING]

All this m*rder has got me thinking, darling.

What?

Maybe there can be co-Dread Pirates.

-What the sh*t? -No, no.

-[PIRATE 2 GASPS] -PIRATE 1: No. No, no, no.

They just k*lled one of our friends,

and now, they're having a proposal?

What kind of sick people are they?

Oh, right, they're pirates.

[CRYING]

Now, y'all best be off before I change me mind

about k*lling the rest of you.

Go, go, go. Come on.

Don't have to tell me twice.

Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go.

[EERIE VOICES WHISPERING]

COLLEEN: Oh, my God! That was nuts.

Oh, my gosh.

-Wait. -What?

"The Collector is on her way back."

We are leaving on an expedition

to find pieces for my new exhibit.

This is not good news.

-What the heck happened out there? -Oh, my gosh. Alex.

What did you do? What was this pirate challenge?

He tried his best, but, I mean,

there was nothing that we could do to help him.

He's gone.

Alex didn't cut it, but at least they have the key.

-We have to get out of here. -ROSANNA: Go, Bretman.

[LOCK RATTLING]

Ooh! Ooh!

♪ Should have come alone

♪ Why you messing with my throne?

♪ Gotta keep you at a distance

♪ Trying to roll my name

♪ Why you play a wicked game?

♪ Welcome to your own ruin ♪