04x09 - Prehistoric Evil

[bunniefuu]

Woman: Previously on "Escape the Night"...

So you're stuck here just like us?

You can't do nothing.

I would use my powers, but I don't have my staff.

Woman: Tension builds in the group.

I'm so sorry.

You think you know a bitch.

Woman: And pirates inv*de the museum.

Row faster, row faster!

Woman: Joey's wish is granted...

Oh, Colleen, you're back.

Woman: But Alex is found unworthy.

Give me regards to the Devil.

( g*nshots )

The collector's on her way back.

We are leaving on an expedition to find pieces

for my new exhibit.

( tense music )

( roaring )

♪ ♪

( growling )

( gasps )

( creature bellowing )

( footsteps thudding )

( growling )

( footsteps retreating )

( electronic hum )

- ( growling ) - ( shouting )

( gasps )

( footsteps thudding )

( dramatic music )

♪ ♪

( panting, growling )

( overlapping shouting )

Oh, wait, you guys, you guys--

You guys, look! He's good, he's good.

He helped us last time.

Nobody else has seen this caveman before,

but I know the last time I saw him,

he saved us from the Black Knight.

So I'm letting everyone know

he's actually a good guy.

He saved us; he's good.

( grunts )

You don't like her either!

I automatically gut trust him

because he doesn't like the Collector and either do I.

The Collector--what? What about the Collector?

- Hello? Do you not speak English? - He's a caveman.

The one unfortunate thing about this caveman is, you know,

he's a good guy, but he doesn't speak English.

He's just kind of jumping around and grunting

and pointing at things and...

He's very dirty.

Have you seen a key?

Where do we go? What do we do?

- ( grunting ) - Does anyone speak caveman?

- Okay. - Where's he taking us?

I don't know.

Why are we still following

everything that comes our way?

Like, why can't we just find these things ourselves?

Like, ugh.

( howling )

Joey: A dinosaur! A--a dinosaur?

- Oh, oh, oh. - Oh, I love dinosaurs.

Joey: Dinosaurs!

I'm pretty sure we just unlocked

the prehistoric exhibit.

I'm just really hoping that the dinosaurs

we're going to encounter tonight

are herbivores and not carnivores.

I don't want to get eaten.

There's a note.

"The footprints from an era

"time has forgotten,

"when matched correctly,

"can lead you to the beginning

of a new civilization."

We have to match four footprint fossils

to the description of the dinosaur.

"Aggressive carnivore with distinctive sharp,

curled talons used for attacking prey."

Look for talons that are sharp.

Yeah, these look sharp, the one that Ro has.

Yeah, Ro, put that here for now.

Colleen: Looks sharp. Karillopholis.

"Heavy, slow-moving herbivore

with thick, elephant-like legs."

Slow-moving, heavy dinosaur.

So we placed the fattest footprint on this one.

- Okay, this one says... - What's this one?

"Unlike its three-toed cousins,

"this scavenger has greater speed and agility for escaping danger."

- So it's unlike its three-toed-- - Probably this one.

I bet it's this, 'cause this is long and skinny.

- And it's not three-toed. - Ro: Yeah.

We're all helping each other out.

We're having great teamwork energy at this moment.

The Copyldactyl.

Bretman: "Bird-like dinosaur with membranes between

shoulders and wrists, allowing it..."

- Two big claws. - "To glide short distances."

We're looking for the sharp,

scary, awful feet that birds have.

I don't like birds.

I'm not really scared of some bones.

The claws could be retracted, like a tiger.

I am totally obsessed with dinosaurs,

so I am trying to give my best input to the group.

Maybe this one.

- Colleen: Yeah, yeah, this is a bird one. - This is talon-like.

Colleen: Curls, this one has sharp curls.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Talons, curled.

I would say this is curled

'cause it has to be like this.

Joey: Two of the fossils seemed

kind of similar to each other.

There was something that was sharp,

but also the talons had sharp points,

so we decided to go for the pointy one.

( screaming )

- We got it. - Oh, it's an egg!

Colleen: The bottom of the raptor platform

opens up, and there's an egg inside and a clue.

( grunting )

- Caveman's excited. - Oh, my gosh.

- Oh, my gosh. - ( grunting )

- Oh, he wants the egg. - I'd be careful, guys.

Are you hungry?

What about it?

Ro: I don't know what kind of egg it is.

I don't know if it's, like, a raptor

or a cute, little, like, herbivore,

but even if it's a T-Rex, I would love it regardless.

"The Egg of Civilization must be taken

"to the sacred hollow

"for the life to continue in a prehistoric world

"on the brink of extinction.

Venture into the Valley of Lost Souls--"

The Valley of the Lost Souls

sounds like a place where we could potentially get lost.

"Be careful.

"The one who carries the egg will be hunted,

"and passing it back and forth

might be the only way to survive."

We're gonna be hunted? By what?

"If one of you is caught with it or fails to protect it,

you'll be forced into the final challenge with no vote."

We basically have to play hot potato with the dinosaur.

- Hot potato, hot potato. - We need to--

Do you know where the Valley of Lost Souls is?

- ( grunting ) - Okay.

He's got it.

Ro: We've got the egg.

We're following the Caveman.

We are on a journey

to the Valley of the Lost Souls.

( ominous music )

Joey: I think he's dumb.

I don't think he knows what he's doing, I don't think--

Bretman: Well, why are we following a dumb bitch?

We follow the caveman into this, like,

prehistoric rocky area.

You're gonna protect us, right?

- ( grunting ) - Joey: Okay.

So we're venturing into the Valley of the Lost Souls

and all of a sudden, right behind us, we hear something.

- ( growling ) - ( all screaming )

Move!

Two raptors out of nowhere.

It is every man and woman for themselves at this point.

Just run.

Hurry! ( roaring )

Oh, my God!

All I know is, I just don't have to be the slowest,

and I'll make it out of here alive.

I do not want to be a snack.

I don't wanna be a snack.

- Oh, my God. - ( roars )

Colleen: So we run as fast as we can up the hill.

We go over the hill, and luckily

those stupid raptors have stopped chasing us,

so we're safe for now.

Man: Oh, my God.

The caveman leads us to his home.

His home is, um, you know, not my cup of tea.

It's a little dirty.

It needed a little bit more interior design work.

- He sleeps on a rock. - Ro: He's very gracious.

He gives us bones and flowers.

I'm just not really understanding it.

And then we find a clue.

"Complete the caveman's paintings."

Ro: They're over here.

You are an artiste!

He is a Bob Ross of his time.

Like, these paintings are very good.

( gasps ) You guys, he has paint right here.

Okay, here's--here's, like, a hide that we can draw on.

We gotta find a picture of your painting.

Yes. What do you want to add?

What do you want to add to your painting?

- How do we complete it? - He's an artist.

Colleen: Look for more clues.

We have to complete his painting.

Well, you just put that

on your nose.

( grunting )

The egg.

They need to be carrying an egg right here.

Without anybody's consent, I just start painting this damn egg

and Miss Caveman was very entertained.

I got a lot of "Ooh, ooh."

Was that right?

Okay, and now this one.

- ( grunts, shrieks ) - A raptor!

- You want to draw-- - You want a dinosaur?

Which painting do you want a dinosaur?

You want flowers?

Now we're playing charades with the Caveman,

yet again.

No--the dinosaur?

And now he's doing the Macarena.

This Caveman's brain is clearly underdeveloped.

Joey: Are they running from him?

Bretman: The egg hatched.

Yeah, they're running from him.

They've got an egg, and they're--

( gasps )

Running away from something scary.

Pterodactyl?

Does it fly? Does it fly?

The Caveman is going--

( gasping )

Like, flapping wings?

Like, we think that's a Pterodactyl, obviously.

We got little claws coming out of here.

I draw first a Pterodactyl,

but then the Caveman demonstrates

that perhaps it's a different predator.

All right, change the game.

I play a lot of Pictionary,

so I do my best

to convert the Pterodactyl into a raptor.

We need a big jaw.

We need teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth.

We got something that kind of looks like a T-Rex,

but also could be--

( growls ) Lots of teeth.

That look better?

( grunting )

Joey: Once Ro finishes

her arts and crafts project,

a green light appears,

and we run over to it.

So under this boulder, I find a clue and this weird rod.

Colleen: So the clue says that we need to find three animal totems,

and the little rod that we found is gonna take us to two of them,

and the other one, we need to try to find

in the dinosaur's den.

So we decide to split up in two groups.

Bretman and Colleen are gonna go for the bones,

and me and Ro are going to follow the divine rod.

Sorry if this is sensitive for you.

I get paired up with Miss Colleen,

and we haven't worked together,

so this was her chance to prove herself to me.

This is her grave.

Colleen: Aww, you're so sweet.

We don't have time.

Okay, ready?

"The Caveman's lover was m*rder*d by the Cursed God,

and her soul is trapped in torment."

Bretman and I have to find eight bones

that are just wonderfully placed

inside of the dinosaur's den.

We need to lay the eight bones and the egg on her gravesite.

The problem is, we don't know where these bones are.

( growling )

Yeah, I think we dig them up, Colleen.

A bone! You're right, you're right.

Bretman realizes they're buried in the ground,

so we need to just dig everywhere

in this huge den and try to find these eight little bones.

( growling )

- ( roaring ) - Colleen: Oh, my God!

Watch out, Bretman!

Where do we go?!

Ro: If we go the wrong way,

do you think it will just, like, shut off?

- Well let's find out. - So, like, is it this way?

- ( gasps ) - Oh wait! It's flashing.

Oh--oh, it flickered.

It's a little finicky.

We're getting hotter--

we're hotter, hotter, hotter,

and then colder.

Uh-oh, it went out. It went out.

Joey: It stopped, okay. Maybe this way?

Ro: Point it this way. Point it--

Here, this way.

So the rod takes us to this weird pile

of these smooth, circular stones.

- These have markings. - Yeah.

We have no idea what we're supposed to do with these rocks

that have lines on it, but then I find another clue.

"Rebuild the symbols with 17 stones."

Okay, that's a lot of stones.

Joey: So I decide to make the symbol while Ro

finds the rest of the rocks.

- ( roaring ) - ( screaming )

- Heads up. - Oh, my God!

This is a life or death situation.

We need to protect this egg

because I don't wanna die again.

( growling )

( tense music )

I was like, "Bitch, I thought you extinct."

( screams )

( roaring )

Oh, my God, Bretman, please. Distract them, distract them!

Thankfully Bretman's very in shape and works out,

which is something I don't do.

I have your egg.

Do not touch her.

( roaring )

I am like a workhorse in the night,

because I am worried about the raptors.

I am worried about the Armageddon Clock.

Oh, ow, oh, that's gonna leave a bruise.

Bruises, what may, who cares?

Screw that, let's find these special stones.

I'm digging like I'm on "Flintstones"!

I need, like, one or two more pieces.

Let's just look and make sure that none of these pieces...

Ro: Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.

- We're good. - You okay?

Yeah, we're good, we're good.

- We're good. - Okay.

- Oh, I found it! - Where, where, where?!

- Right here. Okay. - Yes, oh my God.

- The last piece. - Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

There we go.

A light goes off once the symbols is complete

and we find our first animal totem.

It's like a mammoth tusk.

So... cool.

Yes, we got one!

All right, let's-- let's use this to find a--

Lead us in the right direction.

Oh, my gosh. They're getting closer.

Oh, my God!

( shrieking )

These dinosaurs are all up in my face.

I know I have your egg and all, but bitch.

I'm exhausted.

Leave it to a dinosaur to get me in shape.

I found two bones.

Bretman has now found five bones.

We need one more; we can't find it anywhere.

Joey: So, our next location

is basically just a tree stump

with a bunch of bones.

It is disgusting.

I'm looking around, I'm taking all these bones off,

and I realize, maybe there's something

underneath the stump.

We could try and move it.

Okay, push it over. Ready?

One, two, three.

( gasps ) Ro, you were right!

Underneath it is a disgusting

pit of liquid.

Oh, gosh, we're gonna have to stick our hand down there.

I'm ready. Joey, I'm doing this for you.

Joey: Ro is immediately down to reach into this hole

and grab whatever's down there

and you know what?

Props to you, Ro.

Go for it.

One, two, three--let's do it!

Oh, this is slimy.

It's slimy, it's grimy,

and there's something weighted.

I don't know if it's trapped in weeds.

It is another animal totem

that has been weighted down by rocks.

- ( grunts ) - Here, put it down.

Let's take the stuff off.

Okay, come on. ( sighs )

We have both totems.

Let's go meet up with Bretman

and Colleen and see if they found one too.

This velociraptor sure knew how to hide a bone, bitch.

Bretman: If I ever need to hide a dead body,

I'm hitting up one of these velociraptors.

( roaring )

Suddenly I realize there's a little pile

that we haven't dug through yet,

and I find the final bone-- yes, finally!

Ro: We meet back up with our friends,

and Colleen and Bretman have found eight bones.

Colleen: We place the bones and the egg

on the gravesite, and a light comes on.

- ( grunting ) - Oh!

And it's led us to the next totem.

"The rod will now lead you to the sacred hollow.

"You must lay the totems before it,

"and when the Light of Creation shines,

place the egg inside."

Wait, so is that not the shrine?

No, that's her burial ground.

That's his dead girlfriend's burial.

My sympathies.

So now that we have all three animal totems,

we can head to the Sacred Hollow.

- So where do we go? - This way.

Okay.

I follow the rod, and it takes us

to the Sacred Hollow.

That's everything.

I feel like Totoro lives in there.

Ro: We place the three animal totems in front,

and boom,

a light blooms up.

Let's put it in the incubator. ( gasps )

So we place the egg in the Hollow,

and a rock opens up.

And we find a note and a chant.

This note says, "The Egg has been returned,

"and civilization found a way.

"With the ritual from the Sacred Hollow,

"you can now command a Cursed God

to release the jeweled key from its clutches."

"However, to enact the ritual,

"two must be selected by vote to venture into the raptor's

feeding pit and gather the objects required."

So we find out that we have to vote two of us

into the raptor's feeding pit.

- Of course. - You know how this goes.

Before we do, I got a question for these mothertruckers.

Well, I want to know who voted for me when I d*ed.

Not me. I did not.

And I wanted you to come back.

Okay. Bretman?

I'm sorry, Colleen.

I realize he's the reason I d*ed earlier tonight.

Okay, well, fair's fair.

- I know who I'm voting for. - Are you serious?

We just did all that together,

and you're gonna vote for me?

You literally k*lled me a few hours ago.

But you're back. Get over it.

- I mean, fair is fair. - Also, like,

didn't you guys come here to save us?

Me and Colleen are the only two left.

There hasn't been a lot of saving. I thought you guys were...

This was supposed to be a rescue mission,

not a su1c1de mission.

- I will say, however... - Wait, you--

Ro, as much I do love you,

you haven't gone into a challenge yet.

That's not my fault.

It's not like I, like, chose not to do challenges.

It just shows that I have been a person

who has been encouraging camaraderie.

So you come here to save me,

and then you're gonna put me

in a death challenge.

We've all done it, Ro. It's your time, sis.

Ro: Why wouldn't they volunteer as tribute?

Why wouldn't they try to protect us?

- Let's just do it, guys. - I'll go first.

Since he did me the favor

of voting for me to die,

I'm gonna vote for him to die,

'cause I'm just a really selfless, giving person.

You're welcome, Bretman.

Next.

I understand that Bretman

has got thrown into the situation,

but he hasn't d*ed for Joey.

He's the only person here who hasn't d*ed.

I did not bring you into the situation.

The least you could do for me

is to find my story to be funny or better than Joey's.

And when I'm hurt, honey,

I'm not scared to k*ll a bitch.

It's really just time for Ro to prove herself.

I think we all know who's going into the challenge:

the Socialite.

- Right. - And of course...

The Playboy.

I've been living nine lives.

You guys can vote for me,

and, bitch, I'm a cat.

I go, "Moo."

- Joey: Good luck, you guys. - Colleen: You can do this.

May the best woman win.

At this point, I--

I want either of them to come back.

I don't want either of them to die.

- It's time to go. - Okay, bye, you guys.

- Good luck, Ro, you got this. - Bye, guys.

all: Bye.

We'll need to get you changed

for what lies ahead.

Bretman: What is this?

And it better be cute.

And it better have a slit,

and it better show some skin.

Colleen: So it's time for the challenge,

and Ro and Bretman walk up wearing caveman outfits.

Joey: They looked so cute.

So if either of them die,

at least they're gonna die cute.

Yeah, just fresh off the Fashion Week 2,000 B.C.

"To perform the sacred ritual,

you must gather a brain..."

- Brain. - "A heart..."

- Heart. - "And an eyeball."

Eyeball.

"And place them one by one

"in your basin,

"then chant the spell.

"The first to do so will receive the keys,

and the other will be devoured."

I don't mind looking like a snack,

but I don't want to be a snack.

So we're looking for a brain...

- An eyeball... - A heart and an eyeball.

In here?!

The raptor's pit is full of blood,

guts, bones, and poo-poo and pee-pee.

It is gross.

- Okay... - Are you both ready?

Yeah.

As ready as we'll ever be.

And begin.

Good luck, guys! Come on, you got this!

- ( grunting ) - (screams )

Joey: Oh, gosh.

Colleen: Come on, Ro, get your hands in there!

- Find it! - Ew!

The water is so cold.

It looks like blood,

and there was just, like,

skulls everywhere.

Ugh!

( roars )

Oh, my gosh. Careful of the dinosaurs!

( grunting )

I just stepped on something!

A foot! Are you kidding me?!

We don't need a foot!

I quickly find the heart

like the bad bitch that I am,

because I did not find the heart;

the heart found me, honey.

What's this?!

My boot! This is my boot!

Here, dinosaur, eat my boot!

I am trying to make friends with the dinosaur raptors.

They are hanging out waiting to, like, eat us.

So I figure, why not train these raptors

like Chris Pratt?

Here you go!

Good boy, good boy!

We really need Ro to win this one; I want Bretman gone.

But Ro is just finding feet and bones

and talking to the dinosaurs.

Sit, stay.

- ( growls ) - Stay.

Colleen: Ro, these aren't your fur babies.

These are not your friends.

( indistinct ) It's here.

I got a brain.

I found the brain, honey,

'cause I'm smart like that.

Joey: Ro, find something fun!

Ro: Everything that I'm stepping on,

I'm grabbing, and it is just not the right item.

- I got something! - Joey: What'd you get?

Is there a brain in here?

I eventually find a skull

that's really thick; it's really dense.

It's got a brain in there.

So I put that in the bowl.

But then I've got two other objects left.

Ugh!

- Ahh! - Oh, dig in!

They're fighting so hard

that Bretman's clothes

is literally falling off,

but I feel like that was a choice he made.

Ro: I am digging down deep.

I am moving those thighs.

I am moving those legs.

I am working everything;

I am feeling everything.

And I am finding...

nothing

but rocks and poo-poo.

Pffff!

Colleen: So at this point, Bretman has a brain

and a heart, and Ro only found a brain.

All Bretman needs to win is an eyeball.

How big are these eyeballs?

Joey: Probably the size of an eyeball.

I don't even know what my toes are touching right now.

But, sis, I have my mind on one thing

and one thing only, and it's to send Ms. Rosanna packing.

Feel with your feet.

Squish around with your toes.

Colleen: I don't know. - Oh, your hat.

They're gonna eat your hat.

Yeah, doesn't want to leave me.

Ugh! Where's your eyeball?

Okay, where are you, eyeball?

I am getting very close

to putting my own eyeball in that bowl.

( roars )

Joey: I see Ro is struggling so hard.

She's looking in every crevice, and then

Bretman finally finds the eyeball.

Oh, thank God, and I put it in the bowl.

And then I'm just like,

"This is it, Rosanna."

"Crimson fires burning bright,

Cursed god that rules the night..."

Bretman does the chant, which...

seals my fate.

"Banish the shadows from the sight

and with these remains, restore the light."

I'm sorry, mi amor.

( dinosaur roars )

Ro: Are you kidding?!

No.

I'm still in that delusional false hope

that I can train these raptors like Chris Pratt.

Stay. Stay.

Ro, I'm sorry!

- Joey: Ro, I love you. - ( shrieking )

- No, no, no! - Colleen: Watch out!

All: Ro! Ro!

( Ro screaming )

( roaring )

- ( screaming ) - ( crunching )

I'm not looking, but I can hear Ro screaming bloody m*rder

because she's being eaten by dinosaurs!

Joey is a horrible friend!

( howling )

Ro... I'm so sorry.

( chomping )

- Ro... - Oh, my God!

Oh, my gosh.

We love you, Ro.

Come on. We have to go.

Come on, group, let's go. We go back to the lounge.

We gotta put this key in, and we gotta find

the final key to get out of here.

( whirring )

( sighs ) My gosh.

Poor little cinnamon roll.

Colleen: That was awful. Bretman: I know.

There's three of us left.

We still have to find one more key.

So that means one more of us has to die.

Bretman and I came into this on a rescue mission,

and the only one to rescue now is Colleen.

If we can't rescue Colleen,

this whole rescue mission is a failure.

Well, you guys, we don't have that much time either.

We have 30 minutes

until we all turn into ashes.

Holy sh*t. Okay.

We--there's no time to wait.

- Just put the key in. - Okay.

We have to do this.

Anything could happen

at this point,

and I'm just scared to find out

what's gonna happen when I turn this key in.

( rumbling ) That's probably the fan.

( boom ) Oh, my God.

( boom ) Colleen: There's this loud boom.

And it gets farther and farther away

until we hear this bizarre whispering,

and I do not like ASMR,

so this is not pleasing to me.

What did we just unlock?

Guys, the key just opened another exhibit,

and I don't want to know what it is,

but we kinda have to go find out.

( whispering )

I'd rather just die with everybody else.

We have faced so many monsters tonight,

but I don't think anything's gonna compare

to the wrath of the Collector

when she sees what we've done to her museum.

Nine keys down, one to go.

Oh, my God.

- When did this open? - Colleen: Oh, my God.

Is this the final exhibit?

Colleen: We find a room that we haven't seen

all night long.

We decide to go in,

and there's branches

and weird stuff everywhere.

- My staff! - Oh, your staff.

- The Collector had it all this time.

Bretman: This was here the whole time?

Like, sis, were you even trying to look for your staff?

This is great-- no, this is great!

This is good news!

I can feel my magic

coming back into me.

( cackling )

Joey: So now that the Sorceress has powers,

we'll have a fighting chance against this Collector.

Well, what else could be in here?

I mean, if that's helping her, maybe there's more

stuff in here that could help us.

What's this?

I start noticing

these things in the green jar,

and it was, like, people who I've never seen before.

I have no idea who they are.

But Joey and Colleen seemed to know who they were.

Joey: It all makes sense.

This is where the rest of my friends

have been trapped.

I need to get them out no matter what.

Well, how do we get them out?

Can we get them out?

I don't know.

Wait, you guys.

There's a book in here.

And right beside this green,

gooey stuff is this book.

( whirring )

( suspenseful music )

( growling )

Who dare disturb my museum?!

We notice outside the window that the Collector is outside,

and she looks very angry.

- Colleen: What do we do? I... - I'm going to go talk to her.

I think the Collector went out to go find a new exhibit.

I hope it's like an aquarium exhibit.

( hissing )

Joey: We're face-to-face with the Collector,

and I can see the key around her neck.

That's the final key.

If we can get that from her, we can get out of here.

This is amazing. So, Sorceress, hello?

Do your magic. k*ll the bitch.

The children have gotten outside of their exhibit.

And they need to go back inside!

Honey, I was never in an exhibit to begin with.

And you think

because you have my keys,

there's a way out?

You destroyed my collection!

You stay here forever!

Prepare for my wrath!

I think you've forgotten who's among your exhibit.

I'm not so easily discarded, bitch!

( growling )

( sizzling )

Come on, Sorceress.

( rumbling )

( growls )

( yells )

( both screaming )

( suspenseful music )

♪ ♪

Yeah!

( screaming )

Oh, my God.

The Sorceress just k*lled the Collector.

( laughs )

Sis, is this my way out of here?

- That was incredible. - You did it!

Thank God we teamed up with the Sorceress.

- Sorcerer... - Thank you.

The museum is mine now!

You must go back to your exhibit where you belong.

- ( laughing ) - What?

( gasps )

- The Sorcerer is faker than me

and how can you out-fake me?

( laughing )

She just wanted to use us so she could take the museum

for herself.

What a selfish bitch!

Woman: ♪ Shoulda come alone ♪

♪ Why you messin' with my throne ♪

♪ Gotta keep you at a distance ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Tryna roll my name ♪

♪ Why you play a wicked game ♪

♪ Welcome to your warning rune ♪