02x01 - Ja'loja

[bunniefuu]

("As Time Goes By"
by Henry Mancini playing)

(quiet, indistinct chatter)

How long you had that thing?

Had the computer
replicate it last week.

I'm trying to warm the place up
a little bit, you know?

Get a nice vibe going.

The late-night jazz,
depressed-guy-at-the-bar vibe?

I can help you with that.

- There you go.
- Thanks.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to request

an extra monthly shipment
of this stuff just for you, Cap.

You know what
the worst days are, Olix?

The days when you
can't stay busy.

No Krill confrontations,
no spatial anomalies,

just nothing going on

and all your thoughts
just march inward.

- So most days.
- Hey.

Mind if I join you?

Alara. No. Pull up a chair.
I can use an extra liver.

Xelayans don't have livers.

I'll have a double...

Double Xelayan tequila.
Here you go.

Oh, boy.
Am I that much of a lush?

(laughs)

If you want to be alone,
I could take off.

No, no, you're all good.

It's just, um, I see you in here
a lot lately, you know?

After hours.

Oh, my God, don't tell me
the crew is talking.

No, no, nothing like that.
It's just...

Look, I know it's
none of my business,

but if you ever need an ear,
I've got two, big, pointy ones.

No, that's nice of you, but
there's nothing I can tell you

- the whole crew doesn't already know.
- (chuckles)

Believe me, I get it.

I'm used to people talking
about my love life.

You know, there are times when
I feel like you and I are

more alike than
any two people on the ship.

How so?

Well, we both know
we're good at our jobs

and yet we also seem
to be the only two people

who are haunted by this little
voice that's always whispering

that we don't really deserve
to be here.

- And we're both alcoholics.
- Heads up. It's a party.

Hey, Bortus.
Pull up a chair.

I do not wish to imbibe, sir.

I am here to request
that we alter course.

Alter course? To where?

- Moclus.
- ED: Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up.

This is, this is not
another baby thing, is it?

No. Sir, you are aware

that Moclans urinate
only once per year.

- I am, yeah.
- It is my time.

Well, you wanted
something to do.

Synced & corrected by MaxPayne
== https://subscene.com ==

♪ ♪

Okay. Now, I know
this is gonna sound

utterly insane to most of you

and your first instinct
may be to laugh,

but we're all going
to take this seriously,

so I don't want
to hear any jokes,

no snide remarks, nothing.

Now... Kelly?

We're diverting course to Moclus

to... watch Bortus pee.

You want to, you want
to elaborate on that?

- (door whooshes open)
- I am sorry to be late, Captain.

No, Bortus, actually,
you're just in time.

I think it's best if you explain
the ceremony to the group.

Yes, sir.

Once a year, every Moclan must
prepare for his Ja'loja,

the Great Release.

They must travel
to their N'kafas,

a place they select
during childhood.

There, amidst family and
friends, a Moclan urinates,

signifying a cleansing
of the spirit

and the beginning of a new year
in his life.

As you are my closest friends,
I would like you to be there.

What if it's, like, a windy day?

The ceremony is followed
by a celebration

for which the captain
has allowed the use

of the Orville's mess hall.

You are all invited
to attend with a mate.

Okay. Any questions?

Yeah, like a million,
but I'm not gonna ask.

Union Central has granted
clearance for the diversion

as the course aligns
with outpost 58,

where, as you all know,
we're scheduled

to take on board our new
dark matter cartographer.

And Bortus, if you need any
time off to make preparations,

- feel free to relieve yourself.
- (snorts)

No, it's-it's okay, man.

- He's just taking the piss out of you.
- Okay, that's it.

Dismissed. We're done.
We're done.

- (door chimes)
- Come in.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Listen, I know we haven't
talked much lately,

but I want to have a
conversation with you about us.

You know what? Stop right there.
You don't have to say it.

- I don't?
- No, you don't.

Look, I have been drowning
in late-night bourbons

and I haven't been myself
for a while.

I should've communicated
with you and I didn't.

That's totally understandable.

But-but let me finish.
Let me finish.

If you want to give this
another sh*t, I'm in.

I'm seeing someone.

(laughing):
Oh, my God.

- I am, I am an idiot.
- No. No, you're not.

- I am a complete and total jackass.
- Ed, you are not an idiot.

- Listen to me.
- Who-who-who is it?

- Who are you seeing?
- It's not important.

- Why? Is it someone I know?
- It's not important.

Look, you're gonna meet him.
I just, I wanted you to know.

- Where? Wh-where am I gonna meet him?
- I was...

I was thinking about bringing
him to Bortus's Ja'loja party

and I-I didn't want you
to be caught off guard.

How long has this been going on?

- About a month.
- A month?!

Ed, I know what happened
between us has been hard on you

and I don't know,
I guess I just,

I wanted to give you time
to heal a bit.

Wow. You-you really do not know

what is going on
in my head, do you?

Kelly, this is not a heal up
and move on kind of thing.

Okay? I still love you.

I-I haven't been able
to function.

I've been trying to figure out
how to keep my brain busy

just so I can stop
thinking about...

You know, I-I played backgammon
with Isaac last week, Kelly.

Backgammon. That is
a low point for a man.

You're trying to tell me
you still don't understand

why this doesn't work?

Do you still love me?

Let me pitch
a hypothetical here.

We're orbiting a planet and you
have to assemble a landing party

for a mission that's essential
to save lives,

but guaranteed to be fatal
to the team.

Whoever goes down there dies.

Bortus and I are equally
qualified to lead the mission.

Which one do you send?

What are the specifics
of the scenario?

Doesn't matter. Who do you pick?

- What's the required skill set?
- We both qualify.

See, I would have to have
more information...

You can't answer
and that's the point.

You shouldn't have to.

Come on. Any two officers,
that would be a tough call.

You're trying to tell me you
would send the woman you love?

Really? And in that scenario,

just think about how that
devalues Bortus's life.

How do I know what I would do
in that situation? Who would?

And I don't want either of us to
ever have to make that choice.

Ed, timing is everything.

Oh, come on. That's a cliché
and it's a bunch of crap.

- No, it's not.
- It is.

People love saying that

but it blows free will
out the air lock.

If two people care
about each other,

the choice to love
should transcend timing

and anything less is cowardice.

I'm gonna go check in
with outpost 58.

(door whooshes open)

(door whooshes shut)

♪ ♪

My God. This ship is amazing.

Your file said
this is your first posting

- on an exploratory vessel?
- First time. Yep. Can't wait.

Well, it's a great crew.
You're gonna like it here.

And this is our captain.

Sir, this is Lieutenant Tyler,

- our new dark matter cartographer.
- Oh, hey.

- Pleasure to have you on board.
- Oh, please.

Pleasure's mine, sir.
I've been posted mostly

on science vessels and outposts,

so I am really excited
to be here.

An explorer at heart, huh?

Since I was a kid.
You have no idea.

Visiting uncharted planets
and meeting new species...

This is a dream come true.

Uh, can I ask
our course heading?

We're on our way to watch

our second officer
go to the bathroom.

Anyway, welcome.

(laughs awkwardly)

Our first officer,
Commander Grayson.

Lieutenant Janel Tyler
reporting for duty, sir.

Commander Kelly Grayson.
Welcome aboard.

If you don't mind,
I'd like to familiarize myself

with your navigational array.

- It's all yours.
- Thanks.

Hi.

Gordon Malloy.
Welcome to the Orville.

Thank you. I was just telling
your security chief

- how excited I am to be here.
- (chuckles): That's awesome.

(quietly):
Awesome.

Yeah, it's...
it's pretty great.

- I bet.
- Yeah.

I-I-I love it here.

Like, I know for a lot of people
work is work, you know?

But for me...

coming...
coming in here every day

is like...

that's not work.

You know? I'm al...
I'm always like,

"Really? This is my job?
How did I win at life?"

But... I did.

I won.

Yeah.

I mean...

look, if I'm,
if I'm not playing my guitar...

this is where I want to be.

Right here.

- You play the guitar?
- Hmm?

- I said, you play the guitar?
- I do.

I do, yeah.
Yeah, I think it's important

for a man to know how to play
an instrument, you know?

(chuckles):
Yeah.

If these fingers could talk.

(Beethoven's "Fur Elise"
playing)

Now you try.

(playing "Fur Elise")

Very good, Ty.

- You have been practicing.
- Yeah.

Mom makes me practice
a half hour every day.

How long did it take you
to learn piano?

Approximately one-millionth
of a nanosecond.

Wow.

Hey there.
How's my little Mozart doing?

His technique
is improving, Doctor.

I believe he is ready
to begin exploring

more challenging pieces.

Looking good there,
big guy. Mwah!

Isaac said I'm
"very adequate for a human."

Oh, yeah? Well,
go get cleaned up for dinner.

Hey, Mom, can James and I
go to the simulator?

- I assume this is James?
- Yeah.

Hello, James.
I'm Marcus's mom.

Hey.

Dinner's in half an hour.

You finish your homework?

- Yeah.
- Okay. Let's see it.

- I don't have it on me.
- Then where is it?

- I did it at school.
- Then go get it,

and maybe you can go
to the simulator.

- Bro, is your mom always such a pain in the ass?
- James...

do I know your parents?

- I don't know.
- Well, I'm sure they

want you home for dinner,
too, so I suggest

you scoot your own ass
on out of here. Now.

Later, man.

No. Mom!

What the hell is your problem?

That was my friend.

(A) You watch your mouth;
And B)

That's not the kind of friend
I want you hanging around with.

Well, everybody at school
likes him.

And you don't even know him,
so how can you talk?

You really want to be friends
with someone

who calls your mother
a pain in the ass?

I'll be in my room.

Nobody told me
it would be this bad.

Is there a reason
your son has become

- uncharacteristically combative?
- Isaac,

I have no idea.

I never raised
a teenager before,

and I don't have a clue
as to how to get to him.

It's like he hates me
for no reason.

Have you examined him
for unidentified viruses

or neurological disease?

No, of course not.

If he is carrying
a biological foreign agent

that could infect
the rest of the crew...

No, Isaac, he's-he's not sick.

He's just... growing up,
and I can't stop it.

Are there not chemical compounds
that could effectively stunt

his physical development?

My gosh,
what's the matter with you?

I am merely trying to assist.

Okay, well, then just...
play something sweet and jazzy.

(playing "As Time Goes By")

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(whirring, beeping)

We shouldn't be doing this.

Shut up. I'm almost there.

What if somebody comes in?

These are empty quarters. Chill.

My mom's gonna k*ll me
if she finds out.

I'm gonna k*ll you
if you don't shut up.

- (whirrs, beeps)
- Ah.

Ha-ha! Yes!

One bottle of vodka.

Come on, let's go.

♪ ♪

- I'm not asking for a complete
security manifest. -(Sighs)

I'm just... curious
what you know about her.

I don't know anything... I met
her yesterday, just like you.

Yeah, but... you have to clear
all incoming personnel,

so you see all the files.

May I join you?

Sure. Have a seat.

Okay. Did she say anything

that had the word
"boyfriend" in it?

(laughs): No.
She literally just talked

about how excited she was
to be on the Orville. That's it.

- What is the problem?
- Gordon has a crush on the new cartographer.

I don't have a crush,
for God's sakes.

I... just want to know
what her deal is, you know?

And I thought maybe
I would see if she wanted to go

- to Bortus's Ja'loja party.
- Well, then ask her.

Well, how do you think
I should do that?

- "Hey, I'm Gordon. You like pee?"
- Please, I am

the last person you should
be asking for dating advice.

You know what kind of luck
I've had on this ship.

Maybe you should ask John?

This is more his department.

John, I need to talk to you.

Yeah, what's up?

It's... sort of private.

- Okay, so what is it?
- I need your guidance.

You know the new
cartographer, Janel?

I sure do.
How could you miss her?

I want to ask her to be my date
to Bortus's Ja'loja,

but I have, like, zero game,
and I know you're kind of, like,

the girl guru on the ship, so...

- I figured you could help me.
- Uh...

- you must've heard about the Keribex.
- The what?

That's why everybody thinks
I'm the guru.

You ever met a Keribex?

- No.
- It's an alien with two heads.

I dated one for about two months
last year, and here's the thing:

I dated both heads
at the same time,

and neither of them found out
about the other one.

- Wow.
- Yeah, it'd still be going on,

but the left head
always wanted to go hiking,

and that's just sort of
a deal-breaker for me.

Well, Janel only has one head.

Yeah, I can help you.

Now, the star itself has
a number of planets and moons

in its orbit, but which one
of them caused the dispute

that led
to the Battle of Tarazed?

Anyone?

James. Which planet?

- I don't know.
- It was in your reading last night.

- Did you do your homework?
- Yeah, but...

- Commander Bortus ate it, so...
- (children laughing)

Marcus.

Maybe you'd like to answer
that question.

(chuckles softly)
I don't know, either.

Did Bortus eat
your homework, too?

Well, the Moclan digestive
system is indeed fascinating,

so for tomorrow, James, Marcus,
each of you can write

a 1,000-word essay
on its internal mechanisms

and how they function.

Class dismissed.

Hey.

- Hi.
- How you doing?

Mm. Better than you, apparently.

Man, those kids are rough.

Yeah, I've seen a lot worse.
You know, I expect it

from James,
but I'm a little concerned

Marcus is
getting caught up in it.

He's a good kid.

Well, he has a great mom

and a really great teacher.

- Hmm.
- So I'm not too worried.

- We still doing dinner tonight?
- You bet.

And... there's something
I want to ask you.

- What?
- I'll tell you at dinner.

Oh, no, no.
Come on, you can't do that.

- It'll keep you in suspense.
- Just tell me.

If you're
charming enough tonight.

- I'm always charming.
- Good.

- Then you'll get to hear it.
- (scoffs)

(sighs)

Lieutenant.

I'm gonna take a shuttle out...

I'll be back in a little bit.

Okay, sir. Do you want me
to assign a copilot?

No. I'm just gonna go
for a drive.

Yes, sir.

Commander, I have the status
report on the weapons upgrade.

Thank you, Lieutenant.
Uh, Lieutenant.

Yeah?

I could not help overhearing
you discuss your complaint

- in the mess hall.
- Complaint?

I am led to understand
that you are a failure

in the practice of mating.

(laughs): Well, I don't think
I'd put it exactly like that,

but yeah,
things could be better.

There is a young officer
under my command

who I have noticed
also has no mate.

If you wish, I will order him
to mate with you.

Wow, that is the sweetest
and most totally wrong thing

anyone has ever said to me.

I have no reason to doubt
his seed is fertile.

Okay. Let's just slow down.

Bortus, are you trying
to fix me up on a date?

It is bad luck to attend
a Ja'loja unaccompanied.

Well, we wouldn't want to invite
any bad luck, would we?

- Then you will accept him?
- Well, don't order him

to do anything, but if you want
to let him know

that I'm up
for meeting him, sure.

Only because I'm totally
and completely fascinated

by what's happening here
right now.

Who would've thought
you were a yenta?

- A what?
- Ask Kelly.

(door whooshes open)

Okay.

Out with it. No more suspense.

Mm. Okay, well...

I think...

I would like it a lot
if you came with me

to Bortus's Ja'loja.

- Really?
- Yeah.

That's going public.

- It's going public, yes.
- Well, what about Ed?

- I told him I'm seeing someone.
- Does he know that it's me?

No, but he knows I'm gonna
have a date to the party.

(sighs)

Guys are weird, Kel.
The first time you see your ex

with another man,
it can be pretty debilitating.

Well, he's gonna have to get
used to it eventually.

And yes, Ed can be
an intense guy.

- (chuckles softly) - But he
also, at the end of the day,

is very capable of adapting
to new situations.

I mean, he may balk at first,

but he's gonna at least want
to appear to be classy about it.

All right.

You got yourself a date.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

(groaning):
Oh, no way.

What's wrong?

What do you say we take that
bottle of wine to the simulator?

Fire up a little moonlight
on the beach?

- Sounds good to me.
- Let's go.

(door whooshes open)

(laughter)

Oh, man.

What's the big deal?

It was just a little vodka.

First of all,
I will ask the questions,

and you will answer the
questions. Do you understand?

Do you understand?

- Yes.
- And second of all,

it is a very big deal.
Not just because you drank,

but because you...
Ty, uh, go back to your room.

But I want to watch Marcus
get yelled at.

- Now, Ty.
- (clicks tongue) Aw.

You hacked a food synthesizer.
You're in a lot of trouble.

James is the one who hacked it.
I didn't even touch it.

Oh, your new best friend James?
That James?

Well, you're not gonna be
hanging out with him anymore,

I can tell you that.

- Oh, come on, Mom.
- Marcus.

If anything else
that does not reek of contrition

comes out of that mouth,

you will be grounded
for the rest of your life.

You understand?

Look.

All I want to know
is where this is coming from.

You haven't been
yourself at all lately,

and you're acting like
you hate the universe.

Now, I'm pissed as hell at you,
but I love you.

I-I...

I just want you to talk to me.

All right. Go to your room.

(door whooshes open, shut)

I'm starting to think that
I suck at this parenting thing.

I must agree
with that assessment.

Well, what would you have done?

My anthropological studies
have revealed

many different methods
of discipline

employed throughout
human history.

Perhaps compulsory consumption
of further quantities of alcohol

would diminish his desire
for the substance.

Pour booze down his throat
until he can't handle any more?

- Precisely.
- Yeah, that's called m*rder, Isaac.

- That's not gonna work.
- I see.

I thank you for allowing me to
observe this conflict, Doctor.

It has been most illuminating.

Oh.

- Always here to entertain.
- (door whooshes open)

Yeah. Yep.

Yeah. Yeah, I like that.
That's good.

Yeah, you look like the guy
who's on the list

- 'cause you know the DJ.
- Does it work?

It does, yeah.

Feels like too many zippers.

Oh, no, no. Always go
with one more zipper

than you're comfortable with.

- Oh.
- You know what it says?

- What?
- "Boom."

- Really?
- Yeah.

Cool.

And that's where
you want to start.

You want to walk in with boom.

- Boom.
- Yeah, yeah, not like that, but yeah.

- Right.
- Just let the threads do the work.

Yeah, you're just a passenger,
kicking back,

along for the ride.

Just a guy riding a jacket.

- You feel good?
- Yeah, I do. I do.

I'm still nervous, but yeah.

Why you nervous? You're a good
looking dude, you're funny.

- Just be yourself.
- Well, I've just...

You know, I've-I've only ever
been with women who liked me.

You know?
Never the other way around.

I mean, I'd ask girls out
and get rejected,

but if she made the first move,
we'd end up dating.

- Ah, I get it.
- This is a perfect example:

When I lived on Earth,
I actually once had a stalker.

- No way.
- Yeah, this girl from work.

She used to hang around
outside my house

and it got really weird.

Then one night, she broke in,

and I told her I was gonna
have to call Union security.

But we ended up talking.

Turned out, we actually had
a lot in common.

We ended up seeing each other
for five months,

and then she dumped me.

- What?
- Said I was too clingy.

You got dumped
by your own stalker?

That's nuts, huh?

You think I should call her?

Yeah, I think we need,
like, one more zipper.

DANN:
Hey.

Hey.

Can I help you?

- I'm Dann.
- I know.

- You're Alara.
- Right again.

(laughs):
Wait, did...

did-did Bortus send you?

Yeah. Can I sit down?

- Oh, my God.
- (exhales)

- He thinks we'd be a good match.
- I don't believe it.

I wonder what kinds of things
we have in common.

Um, well, uh, we obviously
both know Bortus.

(laughs)
Well, there's one.

- Ha.
- So, uh,

want to get a drink sometime?

Look, Dann,
I'll be honest with you.

I'm not so great

at the whole dating thing,
and I don't think

we're as good of a match
as Bortus thinks we are.

Well, I guess you never know
until you try.

Yeah, but I-I...

It's my big old stupid
dumb head, isn't it?

No. No, it has nothing
to do with that, it's...

You don't have to be nice.

My species has a hard time

meeting people
outside our home planet.

We're just not
super appealing, I guess.

But sometimes a person
can be special on the inside,

and if you don't look
under the surface,

you could miss something great.

And possibly be single
the rest of your life.

Or at least
for Bortus's Ja'loja.

Okay. All right, you know, what
the hell?

Let's do drinks.

Sweetness.

(door chimes)

Come in.

Hey.

Did you take
a shuttle out last night?

Uh, no.

The shuttle bay log
says you did.

(laughing):
Oh.

Gordon.

- Ha. What about Gordon?
- (chuckles): We...

we have this running bit
that we do where we put

each other's names
in the shuttle log

when we didn't actually
take a shuttle out.

And then when
the other one finds out,

it's just like,
"Oh, my God. Embarrassing.

I didn't take that shuttle. Ah."

(laughs softly)

It's... it's-it's that.

- You did a drive-by.
- Huh?

Don't deny it. I saw you.

I did not do a drive-by.

- That's insane.
- Your name

is in the log,
and you did a drive-by.

I had to get some air.

We're in space.

Did you see
what you needed to see?

- Cassius. Really?
- Oh my God, I knew it.

Is it-is it "Cassius,"
or is it "Cass-ius"?

- It's Cassius.
- Ca... Okay, so you're dating Cass-ius.

- Yes. Yes, I am.
- Okay.

- Go ahead, say it.
- Say what?

Whatever snarky jab
you were about to make.

I saw him in the mess hall
using both hands to sip his tea.

Okay, here's what's
gonna have to happen.

We're all living and working
on the same ship together.

So you're going to have
to somehow find a way

to make peace with this because
if what happened last night

ever happens again,
I'm going to request a transfer.

Gosh, you know,
I'm really impressed

that you can adjust your
feelings like a knob on a radio,

- but I can't do that.
- You think moving on

was any easier for me
than it was for you?

Apparently, since you're the one
dating the "two hand tea" man.

We've been over this.
We cannot be together.

I still love you. Okay?
Do you still love me?

It's not that simple.

Yes, it is.
Kelly, it is that simple.

If two people love each other,
it is exactly that simple.

A captain and his first officer

cannot be in
a relationship together.

For God's sake, Ed,
you know that.

Do you love me?

How I feel is not the issue.

Okay, then.

Have fun with Cass-ius.

You know,

if you got to know him,
believe it or not,

I-I think you'd
actually like him.

I doubt it.

I have a bunch of work
I have to do, so...

(sighs)

- (door chimes)
- Come in.

(door whooshes open)

Hi.

Can I help you?

Hi, Dr. Finn. I'm Jody Duncan.

This is my husband, Nathan.

We're James's parents.

Oh. Nice to meet you.

Well, I wish it were under
more ideal circumstances.

We wanted to talk to you about
what happened, with the alcohol.

Yeah, I know this
is uncomfortable for all of us,

but I just think,
given the circumstances,

that it's best if Marcus doesn't
spend time with James right now.

Well, of course
we agree with you,

but, um, we feel
it's more serious than that.

Well, he is your son,

but if you're here asking
for my professional advice,

- I think maybe talking...
- Uh, no.

This isn't about our son.
This is about Marcus.

What about Marcus?

Marcus was the one
who hacked the synthesizer.

You do know that, right?

No, I don't.

Oh. It was his idea
to steal the vodka.

Now, James shouldn't have gone
along with it,

and we will be punishing him,

but we just don't think Marcus
is someone James should be

spending time with right now,
all due respect to you.

NATHAN:
We're gonna request that Marcus

be transferred from the class.

We just wanted
to let you know first,

out of courtesy.

Are you on dr*gs?

Excuse me?

James was the ringleader,
not Marcus.

That's ridiculous.
James told us what happened.

(chuckles) Yeah, well,
Marcus tells a different story.

Our son doesn't lie.

- How well do you know your son?
- What does that mean?

He called me a "pain in the ass"
the other day.

JODY:
That is insane.

There is no way
James would say that.

Now, he is a very independent,

strong-minded young man,
but he is always respectful.

Respectful, my butt.

Dr. Finn...

I have great admiration for you.

Being a single mother
is challenging,

and I am sure that
it's easy to make mistakes.

Regardless,

we will be scheduling
a parent-teacher conference.

You are more than welcome
to join.

Count on it.

- Are you kidding me?
- What?

What do you mean, what?
"We've all been there"?

That's your response?

I don't know. Haven't you ever
done a drive-by?

No. Have you?

I might've, once or twice.

My God, every man in the galaxy
is a psychopath.

Look, he's hurt.

It sucks. We all can relate
to it. He acted rashly,

but I think it's okay for us
to be understanding.

- Do you always have to do that?
- Do what?

Be so... evolved?

I just don't understand
why you're upset with me.

Honestly? Because your
"high road" attitude

is making me feel
like I'm overreacting,

when I know for a fact
that I'm right.

Do you want me to be jealous?

No. I mean, I don't know.

Yeah. Yes, maybe a little.

I don't see how
that's productive.

Cassius,

this is not your classroom.

I am your girlfriend,
and right now,

I'm feeling completely
disconnected from you.

I am not going to be angry
with Ed if I don't feel it.

Look, if you just calm down
a little, there's no reason...

- Oh, man.
- What?

Never mind.

Program Lamarr 3594.

(crowd chatter, music playing)

Okay, here we go.
Begin simulation.

Be yourself, go over there,
and ask her out.

Hi, there.

Hi.

I'm Gordon. What's your name?

Danielle.

Hi, Danielle, I'm Gordon.

Want to go back to my place?

Whoa, whoa, hang on. Hold.

Uh, what's the difficulty level?

COMPUTER:
Difficulty level: One.

Ah, there's the problem.

Reset difficulty level to eight.

COMPUTER:
Resetting.

Okay, go.

Hey there.

Oh, God, not another one.

My name's Gordon.
Mind if I sit down?

Listen, guy, I have been hit on
by four different dudes

from four different
species tonight.

One of them had his organs
on the outside.

My boyfriend just dumped me, and
all I want to do is drink alone.

Well, then...
why'd you come out?

I like the noise.

Well... if you just
want to talk and...

I don't.

Okay, this is level eight.

What's level nine?

Level nine,
she's still dating the guy.

- And level ten?
- She's married and has a g*n.

So what do I do?

Just be creative, be charming.
Figure it out.

(sighs)

I have six months left to live,

and all I want to do
is get to know you before I die.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

- You're dying?
- So totally dying, it's ridiculous.

Nobody's dying more than me.

This is probably my last night
out, ever, 'cause I'm dying.

Well, I guess I'd be a jerk

if I didn't at least
let you get me a drink.

Boom! There it is.
Hold simulation.

- I can't tell Janel I'm dying.
- That's not the point.

The point is, you're thinking on
your feet, you're improvising.

- That's what it's all about.
- Okay.

I think you're ready.

- Hello, Doctor.
- Isaac,

- do you think I'm a bad parent?
- Yes.

(scoffs)
Well, a computer doesn't lie.

You appear displeased.

James's parents
are accusing Marcus

of hacking the food synthesizer,
and I have to ask myself:

Is it possible they're right?

Did I go wrong somewhere
along the line with my son?

Parenting is always guesswork,

but have I made
too many bad guesses?

What do you intend to do?

They want a parent-teacher
meeting to decide the issue.

I would be most interested
in observing such a ritual.

May I accompany you?

- You'd come with me?
- Yes.

Well, then it won't be
two against one.

"Two against one."

Do you anticipate
hand-to-hand combat?

(chuckles) Possibly.

(light piano music plays)

(quiet, indistinct chatter)

Hey there, Lieutenant. I hope
you're not getting stood up.

- No, I'm actually just early.
- Would you like me to get you

a little boozer or something
while you're waiting?

It's okay. Thanks, Mooska.

You got it.

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey, there. How's it going?

Amazing. I got a massage today.
I feel like a noodle.

Cool.

(sighs) Listen.

I... I felt like we really
connected when we met,

and, uh...

I, uh...

Wow, a little-little
more nervous

than I thought. (Chuckles)

What is it?

- I wrote a poem.
- A poem.

I write poetry as a hobby,

and I felt inspired.
Okay, you ready?

(Dann clears throat)

"Yearning. Passion. Search.

"Who will feed the coals of joy

"in the stove of emotion?

My fingers ache
to penetrate the hearth..."

- (chuckles nervously)
- "Love is the fishhook

that hooks the fish."
What do you think?

- It's really good.
- Be brutally honest.

I need absolute honesty
or I can't grow as an artist.

No, it's-it's great.

You won't offend me,
just tell me the truth.

W-Well, um...

It's maybe a little surface-y.

Oh.

Like, I-i-it doesn't ask
anything of the listener.

The imagery's a little obvious,
so there's nothing to unearth.

And there's no room
for subjective interpretation.

Okay.

Boy, got a little chilly in here
all of a sudden, didn't it?

You said to be honest.

Yeah, well, I didn't say
take a dump all over my spirit.

I didn't say that.

I'm just...

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

(sighs)

(sighs, chuckles softly)

(comscanner beeps)

(exhales)

(sighs)

(chimes)

CASSIUS:
Come in.

- Captain. Hi.
- No, you don't have to get up.

No, no, it's fine.
Can I get you a drink?

Yeah. Actually,
a drink would be good.

So...

- what can I do for you?
- Well, I...

owe you an apology.

Apology? For what?

(chuckles):
That's nice of you to say,

but I think we both know what.

Listen, Cass-ius...

- Cassius.
- Damn.

Um...

look, this is a small ship,

and...

it's just gonna take me a minute

to adjust to this new reality.

Well, trust me,
your learning curve

is nothing compared to mine.

What do you mean?

(sighs):
Kelly and I had a fight,

she walked out on me...
And I am so sorry, this is

probably the last thing
that you want to hear.

Well, nobody fights better
than Kelly, huh?

I've just, I've been independent
for so long that I think the way

I think, and I sometimes forget
that another person's involved.

Were you ever married?

(sighs):
Yeah. Yeah, I was...

an aspiring paleontologist...
I wanted to be the one

to discover
the next unclassified species,

make a name for myself.

And my work drove me to succeed,

but it also drove a stake
right through my marriage.

My God, she definitely has
a type, doesn't she?

Huh?

Do you love her?

I do.

Very much.

What, um...

what was it you said
that made her walk out?

(sighs): Ah, well, I...
I was actually defending you,

and she said that
I was being "too evolved,"

and I told her
to calm down, and...

Ooh. Ooh,
you didn't say "calm down."

- I-I did.
- Oh, boy. Yeah, that's, um...

Oh, well, I was just trying
to see things reasonably

- from all sides.
- And that's great,

and I appreciate that.

It's just...

Here's my theory.

A woman can't really love a man
unless he's part dope.

Be a little stupid every day,

and really stupid
once in a while, but...

just don't be perfect.

That's not easy.

(takes deep breath)

Journey.

What?

She likes Journey.

- Traveling?
- No, no, the old band, Journey.

You'll find them
in the archives.

Look, just get some Merlot,

cook a dinner,
put on "Open Arms."

- And what is...
- Just do it.

And... you know,
I'm gonna go now

and, uh, bang my head
against a wall.

So good night.

♪ ♪

Whew. Okay.

♪ ♪

All we're asking is that Marcus
be placed in a different class.

We want to rest easy knowing

that James
isn't being influenced

by negative elements at school.

Marcus wasn't the one
who started this.

Look, I know you think your son
is this sweet little angel,

but trust me,
he's got you snowed.

Okay. Let's all just try
to calm dow...

try to be respectful
of the process here.

We all want to get
to the bottom of this.

Now, truthfully,
both of your boys

have shown
rebellious tendencies lately.

- James?
- Yes.

Well, then it must have begun
when he started

- hanging around Marcus.
- ISAAC: May I ask

how James is faring
in his studies?

James gets straight As.

That's...
not completely accurate.

JODY:
I've seen his report cards.

Well, I mean, he-he does fine,

but he's a B-minus student,
occasional "C."

Not worth being
overly concerned,

but he definitely has
more smarts

- than he gives his work.
- Okay, wait.

This doesn't make any sense.

May I access your class files?

Of course.

As I suspected.

His official report card
shows consistent As.

- That's right.
- Mm-hmm.

Further analysis reveals

a recent alteration
using external algorithms.

The entry code corresponds

to you comscanner, Lieutenant.

- Mine?
- Doctor, would you describe

Marcus's academic performance?

Um, he gets Bs, usually,

maybe one or two As.

That is accurate.

It is reasonable to surmise

that whoever hacked
into the food synthesizer

would also possess
the resourcefulness

to enter
the student records database.

As James's grades
have been altered

and Marcus's have not,
one must conclude

James is the guilty party.

NATHAN:
I...

I can't believe it.

ISAAC: It would seem
that your accusations

were unwarranted,
Nathan and Jody.

I will be forced to report
your son's violations

to Commander Grayson.

In the meantime,

I would recommend you discipline
your son accordingly.

Oh, my gosh, you were amazing.

I love you.

I merely inferred
the most likely scenario

using the available facts

and my own observations
of the children.

Isaac...

would you be my date
to Bortus's Ja'loja?

If you wish.

I wish.

♪ ♪

Okay, there she is.

She's all alone,
so this is your chance.

- You can do this, all right?
- Yeah, okay.

Here goes.

Can't do it.
Thanks for the help.

(over comm):
All hands, this is the captain.

We are entering orbit of Moclus.

♪ ♪

In the sight of those
who stand with me,

and those for whom
I would sacrifice my being,

I begin...

the release.

BORTUS:
Kalaskacha.

Mech-gadlas fekto

roschas...

(chanting):
Bam...

val...

(last syllable echoing)

Ja'loja!

ALL:
Ja'loja!

(piano plays arpeggio)

(playing "As Time Goes By")

BORTUS:
I hope you enjoyed

the ceremony, Commander.

I did. I did very much.

I can honestly say I've never
seen anything quite like it.

Hope you washed your hands.

Well... I can't wait
for the next one.

We will certainly include you,
Commander.

Topa, come along.

Hey. You're the best,
you know that?

Aw, come on.

Red wine and "Open Arms"?

I knew I liked you, but...

that right there was
the moment you won me over.

What can I say?
You inspire me to be creative.

You, sir, are forgiven.

"My fingers ache
to penetrate the hearth.

Love is the fishhook
that hooks the fish."

Oh, my God.

- What do you think?
- Dude,

that is just, like,
an emotional sucker punch.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Like, I-I've had
a really bad week

where I've just been grappling
with insecurity and self-doubt,

and then here comes
this lyrical compass

that just instantly guides me
to my special place

in the universe.

You should write a book.

I was thinking I might,

but now I definitely will.

- All right for me.
- Yeah. - CLAIRE: Isaac, I know

it doesn't mean anything to you,
but what you did for me

and for Marcus
is really special.

I wish you could feel that.

That is not possible
for an artificial life-form.

But it was fascinating
to observe.

Isaac... I owe you one.

I'll tell you, you know
what would be great right now?

- A Krill invasion.
- Well, for what it's worth,

it sounds like you did
the honorable thing.

Well, if those two
wind up together because of me,

- you may have to sh**t me.
- My friend, I have learned

never to make predictions

in matters of love.

I'm usually dead wrong.

Well, here's to being wrong.

Hmm.

JANEL: Hey.

Is anyone sitting here?

Uh, no.

(piano continues playing
"As Time Goes By")

♪ ♪