05x13 - Munch Ado About Lunching

[bunniefuu]

Guess who.

Ted Kleiner? You came back.

Oh, my gosh. I'm gonna have to break up
with my boyfriend so we can be together.

Wow.

I see how it is.

I guess I'll have to find
someone else to give this to.

And check it out. I, um

I got us necklaces with
our initials, so people can C

who we B.

Is it real silver?

Come on, girl. You know me.

Just don't get it wet.

I love it, Booker.

I love when you say my name. Say it again.

[Raven] -Booker!
-Don't say it like that.

Booker! Booker. Now, what did I say?

Next time you leave your project,
I'm not coming to bring it to you.

You came down here with my project to tell me

you're not bringing me my project?

Dang it, I am such a good mom.

Hum; What's that around your neck?

That C better stand for "chemistry."

-No, it stands for "Cami."
-And I'm wearing a B for--

I get it. I cracked the code. Thank you.

Mom, Cami's my girlfriend.

I'm sorry, she's your what-what?

Baxter, what are you doing here?

You're a stay-at-home mom. Stay at home.

Oh, well, if I had a pantsuit
that looked like that, I would.

What is that around your neck?

-That B better stand for--
-It doesn't.

You're dating?

Cami, of all the people in
this school, you date a Baxter?

They're sneaky, selfish and fake.

Well, Riveras are shallow, stuck-up

and-- and too short to ride a roller coaster.

Oh, I can ride one, I just don't want to.

Who doesn't wanna ride a roller coaster?

There are people that are allergic to heights!

-Well, ex-choos me.
-[both arguing]

This is a disaster.

You think so?

It's going way better than I thought it would.

[arguing continues]

♪ Ha ha! Let me tell you something ♪

♪ Had my vision all worked out ♪

-♪ But then life had other plans ♪
-Tell 'em, Mom ♪

♪ It's crazy when things Turn upside down ♪

♪ But you gotta get up And take that chance ♪

-♪ A new city, I'm finding my way
♪ - It's gonna take some time ♪

-♪ Yeah, we're gonna be okay ♪
-♪ You know I got it, right? ♪

♪ It might be wild But you
know that we make it work ♪

♪ We're just fam caught up
In a crazy world, come on! ♪

-♪ It's Raven's Home ♪
-♪ We get loud! ♪

-♪ Yeah, Raven's Home ♪
-♪ It's our crowd! ♪

♪ Might be tough But
together we make it look good ♪

♪ Down for each other like family should ♪

-♪ It's Raven's Home ♪
-♪ When it's tough ♪

-♪ Yeah, Raven's Home ♪
-♪ We got love ♪

♪ 'Cause no matter the weather
You know we gonna shine ♪

♪ There for each other You know it's our time ♪

[laughs] Yep, that's us.

Would you come on?

-Is your mom there?
-No.

-Is my mom there?
-No.

[clears throat] Man, nothing
gets between me and my girl.

Booker, how long can we keep this up?

Just until graduation.

From college.

This is crazy. We have to
find a way to make this work.

I am so glad we figured out

this Booker and Cami situation.

Hey, what are you doing tomorrow?

Nothing. I'm totally free.

Perfect, 'cause we're having lunch with our moms.

Sorry, I forgot. I'm actually
busy doing anything but that.

Cool! See you at noon!

[timer dings-♪]

[humming]

[Alice] Mmm

What you making, Pop-Pop?

My famous peach soufflé.

Tomorrow's my first day back at
"The Chill Grill" since my heart att*ck,

and I just wanted to brush
up on some of my classics.

Looks so good.

[farts, squeaks]

Wish it smelled like peaches
when Booker does that.

I made that a million times. I don't understand.

Well, it's just one soufflé.

Oh. Maybe I've been away
from the kitchen too long.

[gasps] What if I lost my touch?

Hey, Grandpa Vic. I need your help.

I'm planning a lunch to get Mom
and Principal Rivera to like each other.

Think you can whip up a dish that says,

"Now, what we fighting about again?"

Are you kidding? I can't
even make a lousy soufflé.

That's not true, Pop-Pop.

You just made a really lousy soufflé.

Okay. What's the big emergency
I had to rush down here for?

How do you spell "delectable"?

That's it?

You couldn't have texted me?

How would I text you, "How
do you spell delectable,"

if I can't spell delectable?

Okay. D-E-L-E-C-table.

T-A-B-L-E.

[Neil clears throat]

-What are you writing?
-I can't tell you.

Can we skip the whole "you try to keep a secret,

I refuse to drop it, you
try to change the subject,

and I thr*aten to pour
water on your laptop" game,

and just tell me what you're working on?

Fine!

You know San Francisco's
harshest food critic, Melvin Munch?

I'm him.

There's no way you're Melvin Munch.

Well, my uncle's the actual Melvin,

but I'm writing this week's column.

Yeah. I'm not supposed to tell anyone,

but he's in Brazil getting a butt lift.

That's awesome!

I know. He's going to save a fortune on belts.

No, I meant that you're writing the column.

-Read it to me.
-[clears throat]

"There was a variety of
'delectable' options on the menu.

The chef really tried. I
came hungry and left full."

No, that doesn't sound
anything like Melvin Munch.

-Oh.
-You have to make it harsh.

Give it the old Munch Punch.

But I don't want to be mean
because I'm reviewing--

No, no, no. It doesn't
matter who you're reviewing.

It's not mean if it's honest.

-I should be writing this thing.
-Ooh!

I know. We'll get your aunt to marry my uncle,

and then he'll be your uncle,
and then you could cover for him!

Or I can just help you write it.

All right.

But your aunt's not getting any younger.

I'm headed to the store! If you
need anything, get it yourself!

No, Mom!

You can't go.

Why not?

Because

[doorbell rings-♪]

Someone's here. That's exciting.

What is really going on right now?

This is for you! Just a
little going-away present.

It's a fish.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

So, when are you leaving?

I can take you to the
airport right now if you want.

Alana, what are you talking about?

I thought this was a going-away party.

Where are your friends?

Oh.

You don't have any.

Um, you told her it was my
mom's going-away party?

Yeah. I had to think of something
she'd actually want to go to.

I hate to disappoint you, Alana,
but I'm not going anywhere,

so you can take this back to the store.

I don't think the market takes back used fish.

Cami, you said Raven was leaving forever.

What is going on?

Okay, Mom, Ms. Baxter,

We know that you guys don't get along,

but Booker and I really like each other.

Yeah. And we brought you
guys down here to have lunch

and see if you could bury the hatchet.

[scoffs] I could think of
somewhere to bury the hatchet.

Nobody burying the hatchet but me. It's my house.

There's no hatchet. Forget I
said hatchet. Let's just have lunch.

-No, forget it.
-[scoffs]

-What are we gonna do?
-I have an idea.

Hey, Mom. I'm sorry I didn't
tell you about this lunch.

I didn't realize you'd be so

intimidated by Principal Rivera.

[wheezing, muttering]

[wheezes] Intimidated?

By her? No.

She should be intimidated by me.

I am not afraid to have lunch with you.

I am a school principal.

I eat with people I don't
want to be around every day.

Well, then it looks like
we're having lunch, then!

Looks like we are.

Let me go get you a booster seat.

Sous vide chicken on a bed of dandelions.

Now, that's farm-to-table.

Dandelions?

It sounds more like lawn mower-to-table.

After yesterday's soufflé fiasco,

I realized I need to step up my game.

I can't have people thinking
Victor Baxter lost his edge.

Oh, hey.

Try this.

[gasps] Ice cream!

Yep.

Lentil ice cream with an asparagus crumble.

[gulps]

That was unexpected.

That's what I'm going for.

Here.

It's on the house.

Okay. [Clears throat]

"In conclusion, the entrées
were not what I thought they'd be,

but who doesn't love a surprise?"

No, no, no.

Say this.

"The entrées were dreadful.

And the only surprise is that whoever cooked them

gets up in the morning and calls himself a chef."

Oof.

That's a gut punch.
-It's a Munch Punch.

Post it.

I just got an alert that Melvin
Munch just posted his latest review.

I can't wait to see what pathetic chump
he's taken down this week. [Laughs]

Oh, no.

I can't believe it.

Melvin Munch just ripped "The Chill Grill".

You reviewed "The Chill Grill"?

No.

We reviewed "The Chill Grill"!

B-But we were mean.

We didn't pull any Munch Punches.

You said it didn't matter who we're
reviewing, as long as we're honest.

No, that's when I thought we
were writing about some rando.

This is Mr. Baxter.

I can't believe you got me into this.

I got you into this?

"The lowlight of the meal is a chicken entrée

that tastes like burnt hair and armpit"?

It's umami.

If anything, it's got hints of armpit.

Are you okay?

I'm a professional, Alice. I can take criticism.

[crying]

[Sobs]
Is someone chopping onions?

Someone's chopping onions!

Hey, Alice.

Uh, is he all right? I mean,
he looked pretty upset.

Some lousy food critic made Pop-Pop cry.

I'm going to find them and teach
them what armpit really tastes like.

Yeah, but nobody knows
who Melvin Munch really is.

Well, I do know that the review
was posted just a few minutes ago

from an IP address right here in the restaurant.

Oh. Great.

Melvin Munch must still be here.

Mmm.

Alice is gonna expose us.

Relax.

She's smart, but I'm smarter.

Okay. So then, what's the plan?

Da-da-da. Don't rush me.

Genius takes time.

You sure?

'Cause Alice came up with a plan like that.

Principal Rivera, I can't help but notice
you haven't touched your dino bites.

Perhaps the pizza nuggies
will be more to your liking.

Did you microwave these all by yourself?

Why, yes, I did. Thank you for noticing.

All right, well, my food's gone, so I'm gone.

Mom;

Please?

Mom, you've known Ms. Baxter for a long time.

Surely there's one nice
thing you can think of to say.

Okay. Your house doesn't
look as cheap as I remember.

-Cheap?
-More mac and cheese?

Say something nice about Principal Rivera.

You know, Alana? It's funny.

Every time I stand next to
you, I just feel so much younger.

-You telling me I look old?
-Tots! You both need more tots.

No, no, I do not need tots! All right?

I need to get out of here.

On second thought, this is my
house. You need to get outta here.

I didn't want to come here in the
first place. Telling me I look old.

[shouting in Spanish]
No me digas eso, cuando ves como una cabra vieja

I am so glad we figured out
this Booker and Cami situation.

[shouting in Spanish continues]
Vas a probar mi zapato

On second thought, can I talk to
you in the living room for a minute?

-I'm not going anywhere with you.
-Fine, then you stay here.

You are not the boss of me.
I'm going to the living room.

[muttering]

Should we let them go in there alone?

You wanna go in there with them?

You're right. They'll be fine by themselves.

Baxter, what do you want?

Alana, listen. I know we
don't agree on a lot of things,

but I don't want our kids
together any more than you do.

No, I don't want our kids
together any more than you do.

-I just said that.
-No, I just said that.

Alana! Listen. Shh.

-[sighs] We have to break them up.
-I'm listening.

Okay, but we need to make
them think it's their idea.

We'll make them loathe
each other as much as we do.

That is not gonna be easy
because I really loathe you.

Aw. I loathe you too.

Okay, Munch.

Time to hack your laptop and
find proof you wrote that review.

[beeping] [♪-♪]

-[dings]
-There we go.

[chuckles]

Fake passports?

And loose jewelry?

This guy's not a food critic.

He's an international jewel thief!

I'm not getting mixed up in this.

Gotcha now, Munch.

[whirring]

Wait.

These are medical records.

Whoa.

This guy should really cut back on the salt.

No, no, no.

Oh, no. [Stammers]

I'm gonna be sick.

[groaning]

This app will analyze today's review

to create a composite of
what Munch really looks like.

Hmm.

Thanks for letting me use your laptop, Neil.

You gave her the laptop?

She took it.

In a matter of seconds,

I'll have my man.

Oh, this is not good.

Here it is.

[beeping-♪]

Oh. He's got two legs.

-So do I.
-Calm down.

[scoffs] And he's got two arms.

I'm done for.

Keep it together.

Feast your eyes on Melvin Munch!

Oh, I can't look.

Are you kidding me?

-I am so sorry--
-Neil, look.

This app is trash.

Sorry I wasted your ten bucks on it, Neil.

Ah.

You gave her the money?

She took it!

It's been minutes. What do
you think they're doing in there?

Isn't it obvious?

They're bonding and becoming best friends.

It's the pizza nuggies.

It's always the nuggies.

-[door opens]
-[laughing]

Girl, you are so right.

I don't know why we were
tripping in the first place.

-S-So you guys are getting along now?
-We can date?

Of course you can.

I wouldn't want to stand in the way of true love.

But you stand in the way of everything.

That was the old me.

Raven and I talked, and we
decided we haven't been fair.

If you're gonna date, we
should get to know each other.

Awesome. What do you wanna know?

Um, I don't know. Do you have any pets?

Yes. I have a cat named Snookeyboots. [Giggles]

[groans]

What? What?

Booker hates cats, don't you, Booker?

You do?

Hate is a strong word.

I just don't like the way they look

or smell or steal your breath while you sleep.

-Oh, they can get over that, right, Bobby?
-It-It's Booker.

Oh. Bobby was her last boyfriend,
or, wait, was that the one before--

Mom.

How many befores were there?

Couldn't tell you.

Once this girl gets bored, they're gone.

But she never got bored of Ash.

-Ash? Who's Ash?
-Ash is nobody.

Nobody whose name you wanted
to get tattooed on your ankle.

-Did you?
-No, no.

Whoo!

Whoo! That "no" sounded like a strong "maybe."

-Cami, can we talk alone, please?
-I think that's a good idea.

Why? Where you going? What
happened? What happened?

-What happened?
-[both laughing]

-I can't believe this.
-I know.

Do you really hate cats?

Is that where we're starting?
We're starting with cats?

What about Bobby and Ash?

Oh, oh. And Ted Kleiner. Did you date him too?

[Principal Rivera] I can't
believe I forgot about Ted Kleiner!

Uh, I don't even know why my
mom is bringing up these names.

It-It's like she's trying to cause problems.

I know.

It's like they came in here hating
each other, and now they're BFFs.

[Raven, Principal Rivera laughing]

And now they're laughing?

I am so glad we figured out
this Booker and Cami situation.

[Raven] Mm-hmm.

I think keeping us apart is
what brought them together.

Alice,

what are you doing?

I've been going about this all wrong.

Melvin Munch specifically reviewed the chicken.

I'll just check Pop-Pop's
tickets and see who ordered it.

That'll lead me right to him.

[whispers] Hey.

My ticket's in there, and I ordered the chicken.

I know. Distract her.

[clears throat]

Hey, Alice.

Uh, did I ever tell you

that I am double-jointed? Yeah.

Check this out.

-[cracking]
-[groans]

Are you sure you're double-jointed?

No, I'm not.

[gasps] Yes! Got him!

Oh, I'm dead.

Relax.

I got your ticket.

-Thanks, Ivy.
-Mm-hmm.

So, whose ticket does Alice have?

Confess, Munch. You wrote that review.

You are what you eat, you chicken!

What is going on out here?

I found Melvin Munch. Get your car, Pop-Pop.

He's on the run. He won't get far on foot.

It doesn't matter.

That review is all over the Internet.

My career is over.

No, it isn't.

You're an amazing chef.

I don't know.

Neil;

You had the chicken.

Be honest. What did you think?

Wait. Neil;

You had the chicken?

I, uh

Uh

What was the question again?

Melvin Munch was right.

I am a hack.

No, Melvin Munch was not right.

How do you know?

Yeah, Neil.

How do you know?

Because I'm Melvin Munch.

[gasps] What?

Wow. I'm impressed.

You almost had me.

You're a worthy adversary.

Him?

The only reason he didn't get caught

was because I was one step
ahead of you the whole time.

He couldn't even write that review without me.

I'm the worthy adversary.

Are you?

Because I just got you to confess.

Dang it.

I'm really sorry, Mr. Baxter.

Why would you guys do that?
I thought you liked my food.

We do. We love it.

But the stuff you cooked today, it--

It just didn't taste like "The Chill Grill".

Well, I guess I did go a little overboard

trying to prove to people that I still got it.

And I went overboard trying to be Melvin Munch.

And I'm an innocent that got
pulled into Neil's web of lies.

Again,

I am very sorry.

It's okay, Neil.

I guess we were both trying
to be someone that we're not.

Mr. B;

As my last official act as Melvin Munch,

I'm gonna rewrite my
review of "The Chill Grill".

And I'm gonna help.

Nope. Not falling for that again.

I guess we finally found common ground after all.

Happens to be the ground where
our kids' relationship is buried.

[laughing]

[Cami] I can't believe you
just said that about my mom.

All I said was that she's controlling,

overbearing and kind of insane.

And what about your mom?

You know she meddles so much,
she could win a gold medal in meddling.

My mom is just trying to look out for me.

All right? That's something I
thought my girlfriend would do.

And I thought my boyfriend
would always have my back.

I guess I was wrong.

I know I was.

Maybe we shouldn't be together after all.

-Oh, Booker.
-[door closes]

Are you happy, Mom?

You were right.

[laughing]

We did it. Up high, Baxter.

You just gonna leave me hanging?

We just broke them up.

Yeah, but I don't feel so good about it now.

I mean, Booker's really upset, and so is Cami.

So you wanna get them back together?

You wanna spend Thanksgiving
at my house for the next years?

No, then I'd be crying.

All right. Well, I'm just glad it's over.

No, I'm glad it's over.

-I'm not doing this with you.
-I'm not doing this with you.

-Get out!
-[scoffs]

And take your fish!

[grunts]

I think they bought it.

[laughs]

You, sir, are quite the actor.

And you are a great leading lady.

They gave us no choice.

We have to keep our relationship a secret.

Yeah.

My moms is gonna k*ll me if
she finds out I'm lying to her.

Mine too.

[giggles]

[giggles]

Totally worth it.