04x01 - Reunited

[bunniefuu]

LASZLO: Previously

on this documentary

Colin Robinson is dying.

- (NADJA GASPS)

- (GROANS)

NADJA: I will be returning to England

to assume a position on the

Supreme Vampiric Council.

Will you do me the honor

of accompanying me on my journey

around the world?

Make sure you look after my wife.

What? Aah! No!

LASZLO: There are, it seems,

others in our world

whose existence is even more terrifying

and mysterious than our own.

sh*t.

- (LIGHTNING CRASHES)

- (THUNDER RUMBLING)

- (CAWING)

- (CAMERAMAN GASPS)

TOBY (ON TV): Josh and

Elana wanted an open concept,

so we suggested taking down

the wall dividing the kitchen

and dining room

and using a terra-cotta

backsplash to unify the space

LASZLO: Terra-cotta backsplash

would make a great accent.

What he hasn't mentioned is that

that's a load-bearing wall.

This was a low-bearing wall

LASZLO: Oh, I've spoken too soon.

Apologies to you, Bran.

What the Ah.

Hello there. Long time no see.

- Come on in, but keep it down.

- Okay.

I've found that this is the only

thing that'll lull him to sleep.

Since Nadja and Nandor departed,

it's been just me and the lad.

I don't want to call him Colin

Robinson, even though he did..

Crawl out of the chest cavity of

the deceased Colin Robinson.

He really is his own little man,

and I'd like to keep it that way.

So, I just call him boy.

He's been growing at a remarkable rate,

and he's a wild little creature,

full of mischief and surprises.

- (WHOOPS)

- sh*t. There we are. Good boy.

And not a bit the boring,

energy-draining Colin Robinson

from whence he came.

He's a good little helper.

Boy, I'm gonna need one nail.

- (GIGGLES)

- Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah. All right.

Helping me maintain this house.

One.

Which, I'm sure you've noticed,

has seen better days.

He's given me a sense of purpose.

And under my tutelage,

with exposure to woodcraft,

scintillating conversation

- Good work, boy.

- High culture

- En garde.

- And, of course, swordsmanship

- Ha. (GIGGLES)

- sh*t.

- (LAUGHING)

- Ah, you're getting better.

I think I can mold

this blank canvas of a boy

into the most interesting adult

there has ever been.

Don't sing if you want to live long ♪

They have no use for your song ♪

You're dead, you're dead,

you're dead ♪

You're dead and out of this world ♪

Now your hope and compassion

is gone ♪

You sold out your dream

to the world ♪

Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪

You're dead and out of this world. ♪

♪♪

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, no.

It's those bastards

from the gas company.

Yes, there's a gas leak.

Yes, I need to do something about it.

Yes, if you turn up again,

I'm gonna k*ll you.

- (DOORBELL RINGS)

- All right, all right.

All these wooden boxes and sh*t

have been arriving

for my wife for weeks.

I do mean to send them on to London,

but I've been too busy

murdering these gas employees

that they insist on sending round.

- (THUNDER RUMBLES)

- (SINGSONGY): Guess who.

Where the hell did you come from?

Well, I had a little help.

- Surprise!

- My darling!

- Oh, my love.

- Every day of your absence

- Oh, I've missed you so much.

- Has felt like a decade.

Every decade, a century. Let's f*ck.

These guys are still alive?

- (LAUGHS)

- Yeah, yeah, doesn't matter.

Don't you want to know

why I've returned from London?

Yeah, you can tell me later.

It'll wait.

My work with the Worldwide

Supreme Vampiric Council was

so challenging but

also fulfilling, you know?

- Yeah.

- And and I gave it all up.

I had to,

because I missed you so much.

- My wide lover.

- Your wise mov (GIGGLES)

(GROANS)

You are a naughty bloody boy.

You were supposed

to come with me to London,

but you just packed me up

and shipped me off.

My darling,

I had to look after the boy.

- I wrote to you.

- Yes, yes,

about creature that crawled out

of the cavity of

dead Colin Robinson's chest.

I understand, I guess.

Speak of the devil.

Hello. Is that you, little one?

- Mommy's home.

- That's not him.

Are you sure?

Yes, that's a raccoon, my darling.

(RACCOON CHITTERING) - They've

taken residence in the library.

- Oh.

- The boy himself is upstairs, asleep.

Well, perfect, then.

- Yeah.

- I want to peel you like a potato

and mash your insides.

- Come on.

- Okay.

- Watch your step, my darling.

- (GIGGLES)

The water damage has ruined the wood.

- Not this wood.

- (LAUGHS)

sh*t, I almost forgot.

Before we go upstairs,

I have a little surprise for you.

- It'll wait.

- (WHISTLES)

Come on!

Wassup!

Uh, it is a saying from the olden days

that I learned on my travels.

I don't know what it means,

but I like how it sounds.

Yeah, well, it's a great story.

- Thank you.

- LASZLO: But, uh,

darling, "why haven't

we finished f*cking?",

you might ask yourself.

Well, the answer is

it's 'cause we haven't

managed to start yet.

- Do excuse us.

- (NADJA GIGGLES) - Laszlo.

I know you're not a sentimental fellow,

and neither am I,

- but I have missed you.

- Aw.

And it feels really good

to be back in the house!

- sh*t.

- f*cking hell.

- LASZLO: Is he dead? Huh?

- I'm okay!

- LASZLO: No?

- I'm okay.

There's a very strong smell

of gas leak down here.

(SNIFFS) - Could someone

throw me down a lit candle,

and I can find my way out?

- (LIGHTNING CRASHES)

- (THUNDER RUMBLING)

My eat, prey, love journey?

Where to begin?

As fate would have it,

I got as far as

Fresno, I think it is called.

I met a very plump family on the train

from Wisconsin.

I planned to drain them,

but they were quite endearing.

They had a very particular

way of speaking,

It was like, um

(AMERICAN ACCENT):

"Oh, hey there, Nandor.

"You want to come see the Packers pound

the frozen tundra

of the Lambeau Field?"

(REGULAR ACCENT): Something like that.

The love and the affection that

this family had for each other,

it made me miss my own family.

I grew homesick, not for Staten Island

but my real home in Al Qolnidar.

So I booked passage on a container ship

to

- (LASZLO AND NADJA MOANING)

- I kind of get the idea

that you guys aren't really

listening to what I'm saying.

- NADJA: We're listening.

- Yeah, I mean,

I'm capable of doing

two things at once.

- NADJA: Faster. (MOANS)

- LASZLO: Go on.

Something about a container ship.

- NADJA: Mm-hmm.

- Anyway, so,

I hitched a ride on a ship,

and after I'd drained all of the crew,

we ran into a little delay.

NEWSMAN: A traffic jam on one of

the most important waterways

in the world.

The Suez Canal was blocked on Tuesday

when a very large

container carrier got s

Finally, I found my way back

to Al Qolnidar.

- My h

- (GIGGLING)

Oh, wow.

Look at you.

Hello, darling.

That was the baby

Colin Robinson, I assume?

No. That came from the body

of Colin Robinson,

but is something completely

different entirely.

Is it boring like Colin Robinson?

- Well, now that is an excellent question.

- Thank you.

One that I have been

vigorously applying

my scientific method to

for the past two months.

My work began with

experiments in isolation.

(BUZZES)

I dabbled in phrenology.

Disappointed. Shocked.

Happy. Puzzled.

Fortifying good judgment.

Important literature or colorful sh*t.

- Um

- Make your choice.

- No!

- (CRACKLING)

(GIGGLES) - And, of

course, electroshock therapy.

Again.

I subjected him to all manner

of boring imagery.

He found it just as tedious as I did.

I am delighted to report that

he is not and will not grow into

the boring energy vampire

from whence he came.

Rubbish.

Only today,

I was conducting a new experiment

Are you two having sex again?

Well, I'm not baking a cake, Nandor.

NADJA: It would be

so much more enjoyable

if you would stop interrupting.

- Or you could join in, old chap.

- NADJA: Come on.

Room in the back.

I'm tempted, but, uh,

I'll leave you guys to it

and just watch, if that's all right.

- LASZLO: Okay.

- Yes, I'm cl I'm really close.

LASZLO: You might have

to calm this down, my darling.

I'm not sure this settee can take it.

- This settee has taken centuries of our love.

- (LASZLO MOANS)

- (NADJA AND LASZLO SCREAM)

- (CLATTERING)

- (WATER SPLASHES) - NADJA: Whoa.

- (LASZLO LAUGHS)

NANDOR: Are you okay?

You want me to throw you down a candle?

LASZLO: f*ck me. (LAUGHS)

Okay, here I go.

- (NADJA GRUNTING)

- They're at it again.

Are you doing a role play

or are you really drowning?

Drowning, my darling. It's hot, yeah?

- (RUMBLING)

- Listen to this place.

It sounds like the entire house

is going to collapse

at any moment. Ay! Ay! The f

Careful, old chap,

- There's a hole there.

- (LOUD POUNDING)

What is that thumping?

It's just bad pipes. It'll pass.

I had to take

a sledgehammer to that wall,

- that wall and that wall down there.

- (NANDOR GROANS)

- Oh.

- I tried to find the culprit, but so far, no luck.

We are running out of rooms to sit in

that aren't completely falling apart.

- It's true.

- I do wish Guillermo was still here.

At least he kept the house

tidy and shipshape.

Who's he talking about?

- NANDOR: Guillermo.

- LASZLO: Who?

You know, Guillermo.

Doesn't matter how many times

you keep saying it.

He's about this tall,

glasses, shitty sweater.

Nadja, I think it's time.

Oh! That reminds me.

I have got a teensy

little present for you both.

- Oh. - NANDOR: Oh.

- NADJA: Now

Okay, don't get too excited.

It's not that good.

NANDOR: Should I cover my eyes?

- I love surprises.

- NADJA: Okay

Ta-da!

(GASPING)

NADJA: Surprise!

- LASZLO: Oh, that guy.

- NANDOR: Guillermo.

- Oh.

- LASZLO: Right.

(PANTING)

How could you ship me

across the Atlantic

in a wooden crate?

- Twice!

- Always a complaint with this one.

I packed you extra Oreos

and Pedialyte this time around,

- just to be nice.

- I've been pounding from the inside

of this wooden crate for a week!

Oh! That's what it was.

If I'd have known that, I

wouldn't have trashed the place.

Good news is pipes are fine.

- NADJA: That is good news.

- (LASZLO CHUCKLES)

NANDOR: Okay,

something is happening now.

I think he's going to make

a poop in his knickers.

- That, or he's about to start crying.

- NANDOR: Guillermo.

If you want to cry, that's fine,

we won't judge you.

But if you wish to poop your pants,

then I'd rather you

go somewhere else and do it.

- You're dead to me.

- Ah.

- You're dead to me.

- Uh

- You're dead to me!

- NANDOR: The f*ck did I do?

Hm. Well, technically,

we're all already dead, so

- (LAUGHTER)

- Nad Nadja,

that is not helpful

at this particular juncture.

- Goodbye for Aah!

- NANDOR: Whoa!

- Guillermo, I'm coming!

- (WATER SPLASHES)

NADJA: Oh, sh*t.

LASZLO: Is he dead?

NADJA: Oh.

- (GUILLERMO GASPING)

- Bloody hell.

(GROANS)

- Well, he needed a bath.

- Agreed.

- LASZLO: Charming.

- That's better.

There we go.

How we feeling?

I'm fine.

Mm.

I've had a lot of time

to think about my life lately,

while I was nailed inside

a shipping crate for two weeks.

I got to start

looking out for number one.

That-that would be me.

In this case, I'm num-I'm number one.

How's about I fix you up some, uh

Glass of water, please.

Glass of water, coming up.

I know that you want to leave,

Guillermo.

You feel disrespected.

Much in the same way,

you disrespected me

by leaving me all alone

at a train station in New Jersey

with my d*ck in my hand.

That wasn't my fault.

Agree to disagree.

Anyway, that was in the past

now, and I forgive you.

And also, I need you to stay

- and do something very important for me.

- (COUGHS)

Well

- what is it?

- It's not (SIGHS)

easy thing for

an ancient warrior to ask.

Guillermo de la Cruz.

Did I say it right?

- Yes.

- Once my familiar,

also my bodyguard,

always my friend.

Based on definition of the word.

You could've stopped there.

Would you do me the great honor

of being

the best man at my wedding?

- You're getting married?

- Yes. Now, don't be jealous.

I'm actually not.

- Oh. Okay.

- I'm really happy for you.

I will accept this great honor.

Great. Good.

GUILLERMO: I'm still looking out

for number one, I'll just be

Nandor's best man first.

One could argue that it's way cooler

to be made into a best man

than into a vampire.

(CHUCKLES) Don't know

who would say that, but

one could argue that.

So, who is she?

Who is who?

Your bride-to-be?

- I don't know yet.

- What?

- I have not picked one.

- You haven't picked one?

I have been very lonely,

and the obvious fix is

to take a bride immediately,

preferably before the end of the month.

- This seems a bit hasty.

- Thank you.

And you are going to help me

pick my bride,

because that is what a best man does.

Actually, that's not

what a best man does.

- What a best man does is

- (BABY COLIN GIGGLING)

What the f*ck is that?

Oh, this is the creature that

crawled out of the chest cavity

of Colin Robinson's dead body

after he d*ed.

Why does it have a lit candle

on its head?

He could catch on fire or

catch this whole place on fire.

- (BABY COLIN SPUTTERING)

- Ah, there he is.

- NANDOR: Yes. - I found him.

- NADJA: Okay, I found him.

- He's giving me sweet little kisses.

- No, my darling.

I don't know what you've got

out there, but he's in here.

Oh, okay. Never mind.

- (GROWLING)

- It's just another raccoon. (LAUGHING)

Okay.

He has the candle on his

head for when he sneaks

down to the basement

and swims in all the sewage.

- It's very dark down there.

- What?

You let him swim in the sewage?

It helps him shake off the sillies.

Now, I have a little boy

who needs feeding.

There you are.

You like these, don't you?

Are you ready? Here we go.

(LAUGHS) - COLIN: Yum,

yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

- No.

- Now, sit.

Stay, boy.

And have at it.

- (GRUNTING)

- (LAUGHING)

GUILLERMO: Just can't

leave that innocent kid

in this death trap of a house

with those lunatics.

My mom worked a lot when I was little.

So I had to take care of myself a lot,

and it was hard.

And no kid should

have to go through that.

I'm gonna just focus on me.

Me first. Me.

You're looking at a brand-new

Guillermo de la Cruz.

After I take care of the wedding

and make sure that child doesn't die.

This is my favorite part right here

So, Guillermo has made a good point.

- Hmm.

- That we should probably make some concrete steps

into fixing this house,

because it has become

a mortal danger for us

and also for the little creature

- GUILLERMO: You mean the baby?

- (GIGGLING) - that clawed its way out of

the chest of the corpse of

our dead friend, Colin Robinson.

Which is what we are doing.

I'm sorry, but I don't know

how watching 15 episodes

of these two dimwits

installing kitchen islands

in other people's homes

is going to help us

- fix our house. - Yep.

- LASZLO: My darling,

Bran and Toby are brothers

with a keen eye

on interior decor.

They turn the most mundane property

from shabby, uh, to chic.

(NANDOR GROANS) - Tell 'em we're

gonna need a structural engineer,

a team of contractors,

and at least two plumbers.

Guillermo said that

we're gonna need a structural

- Yeah, we heard him, you prat.

- Yes, he's sitting right there.

Guillermo has decided

that he's no longer talking to you both

because of the bad way

you have treated him

- over the last 12 years.

- BOTH: Ooh.

A bit of sass from the boy.

(LAUGHTER)

NADJA: Okay, now

we are all friends again,

and we are breaking each other's balls.

- No, that's really not what's going on here.

- NADJA: Well, to fix

this house, we need money, correct?

Does anyone know if we have any money?

- Anyone? Cash.

- Uh

- Coin. Gold.

- Moola. Wonga.

- Rubles. Lettuce. Dough.

- Milk. Bread.

- Sweet cream.

- DOLL NADJA: stripper tips.

- Anyone?

- NANDOR: Colin Robinson was in charge

of paying all the bills in the house,

and now Colin Robinson is dead.

- No, he's not. He's right over

- (CRACKLING)

Oh, no, no, Colin. Colin!

No, Colin. No, no, no.

LASZLO: That is not

Colin Robinson, so

- Yes, it is.

- No, it's not.

It came from Colin Robinson, but

don't call him Colin Robinson.

- Have a seat, right here.

- LASZLO: I do have Colin Robinson's

automated teller machine card.

- Ooh.

- But what I don't have, I'm afraid, is Colin Robinson's

automated teller machine card password.

- (GROANS)

- Any ideas?

You can't be that stupid,

can you? Just give me that.

- (NADJA GASPS)

- LASZLO: Ooh.

This boy's grown some claws.

Hey, buddy. I'm Guillermo.

- What's your name?

- Colin.

LASZLO: Oh, no, no, no, no.

The only reason why he said that is

'cause he's heard you say Colin

many times.

Okay.

Hey, buddy.

Do you know the password to this card?

Three.

Three. Can we get a-a

piece of paper and pen?

- Good job. Very good.

- My quill, my quill.

- Three-three. What else?

- Three, yes.

- One. - One.

- NANDOR: One.

- LASZLO: Hang on. - BABY COLIN: Four.

- GUILLERMO: Four.

- NANDOR: Four.

- GUILLERMO: Anything else, Colin?

- One. - One.

- NANDOR: One.

LASZLO: This is quite miraculous.

Four.

Three

One. Zero.

- Two.

- At least I tried.

- LASZLO: Bloody waste of time.

- (SIGHS)

NADJA: Do you know what

could be a very good moneymaker?

Opening up our own vampire nightclub.

Ooh, yes, a great idea.

- A what?

- NADJA: A vampire nightclub.

Like in the film Blade,

with the blood sprinklers

and the live F and S show.

- Imagine!

- NANDOR: I got it.

We rob Fort Knox.

Guillermo, I am going to need

600 yards of strong rope.

Why would you need that much rope?

- You got any better ideas?

- Uh, I just said one.

- She just said one.

- LASZLO: Well, if you two are considering

selling my TV projector monitor,

then you can get f*cked.

- Hmm.

- The new series of Go Flip Yourself

starts next week,

where Bran and Toby face

their biggest challenges yet.

- Hmm.

- Guys, could we circle back?

I'm telling you,

the nightclub business

- It is a cash-only business.

- I've got it.

We break into Henry Ford's house,

- Oh

- and we steal all his money.

Guillermo, I'm just gonna need

ten yards of strong rope.

NADJA: I did learn three very

valuable lessons on my trip to England.

Number one, if you go to work

for the Supreme Worldwide

Vampiric Council,

do not let them

put you on a ten-year

Vampiric Planning Committee,

'cause that is where they just stick

Z-list and C-list vampires

to just sit around,

talking about boring admin all day.

And that is why the focus

of our five-year plan

should be to form a variety

of subcommittees and study groups

NADJA: And the

second thing I learned is,

as a woman, sometimes you do need

to use your special voice to be heard.

I was too afraid to use mine in

the Vampiric Council meetings,

and I deeply regret that.

Unless anyone has

anything else, I think we can

If I could?

I have prepared a little pitch.

Another way we could

possibly go with our

- (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)

- five-year plan.

I have just two words for you.

Vampire nightclub.

And that's the other thing I learned.

I just really want to open

a vampiric nightclub!

I mean, come on.

It's a no-brainer.

Oh, Nadja, every new vampire

comes up with this idea,

and it's not what we do here.

Oh.

Okay.

Thank you for your time.

And so that is when I decided to quit

the Worldwide Supreme

Vampiric Council and come home.

Okay, this is ridiculous.

You're all vampires.

Just go to the bank

and hypnotize the teller

Enough!

- Whoa! - Whoa!

- GUILLERMO: sh*t!

- (HIGH-PITCHED TONE) - (MUFFLED): Whoa!

- (MUFFLED GROANING)

(TONE STOPS) - (GROANING

BECOMES CLEAR) - (CLEARS THROAT)

I am telling you, we are going

to open a vampire nightclub.

- Any questions? - Works for me.

- Fine and dandy by this boy.

What?

So, was it great being back home

in Al Qolnidar?

No, it was not.

I returned back to my village,

and it was exactly how I left it,

except everyone had become vampires.

So, wasn't it nice

to be among your own kind?

I hated it.

If everyone is a vampire,

there's nothing special

about being a vampire.

It was not good for my mental health.

- Are you two tits coming or what?

- NANDOR: Yes,

yes. There's no need to shout.

- Oh.

- NANDOR: Oh

Hello?!

- Guillermo, get the lights.

- NANDOR: Guillermo,

- get the lights.

- LASZLO: Gizmo, get the lights.

Why do I have to still do it?

Oh. (SHUDDERS)

- GUIDE: There you are.

- LASZLO: sh*t.

What the hell are you doing?

Just sitting here, waiting

for you guys to come back.

- For a year?

- What? A year?

- (NADJA COUGHS)

- Oh, wow.

Guess I was just so afraid if I got up,

that would be the moment

you would come in.

You know? So I just waited.

- (JOINS cr*ck)

- (SCATTERED GROANS)

Well (CHUCKLES)

We have a lot of Council

business to catch up on, huh?

Actually, no.

No more business as usual.

- Change of direction.

- Oh, that's something I really enjoy.

- I'll tell you what it is.

- Okay.

We are opening a m*therf*cking

vampire nightclub, baby!

Cool. Where?

Here.

NANDOR: Yes.

- No.

- NADJA: Yes.

We are opening a vampire nightclub.

And if any of you m*therf*ckers

get in my way,

you will surely live to regret it!

Welcome ♪

To the vampires club ♪

Welcome ♪

To the vampires club ♪

Make yourselves at home ♪

Welcome ♪

To the vampires club ♪

Welcome ♪

To the vampires club ♪

Welcome ♪

To the vampires club ♪

Make yourselves at home ♪

Welcome ♪

To the vampires club ♪

Welcome ♪

To the vampires club ♪

- I want you, I want you ♪

- Gonna haunt you ♪

Do you want me like I want

you? - Gonna haunt you ♪

- Gonna haunt you ♪

- I want you ♪

- I'm gonna haunt you ♪

- Wherever you are. ♪