01x10 - w*r and Peace

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Farzar". Aired: July 15, 2022 - present.
Animated adult comedy sitcom is based on a planet somewhere in the cosmos.
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01x10 - w*r and Peace

Post by bunniefuu »

[ominous music playing]

Welcome, great and powerful leaders

of the alien clans.

King Snuffle Snart. President Banana.

Medium Bob Dookie. Leafion the Fifth.

And whatever the f*ck you are.

What it is, what it is.

Okay. Thank you so much.

I've gathered you here

for a very important reason.

Hold on, mon.

Where's the leader of the skull people?


You know what? I must have forgotten

to send his e-vite, or I'm r*cist.

Anyhoo, it's time to launch a great w*r

to destroy the humans once and for all.

I want you all to join me.

[all laugh]

Join you? We hate you, mon.

What did I do to you?

You scarred me for life.

Oh my God!

Grandma Bob Dookie!

And I know about those non-stop,

offensive banana puns you do.

That's a vicious rumor.

I would never do a banana pun.

I'm just saying,

the human city is "ripe" for the taking.

Watch your ass, mon.

What? Did my humor not "a-peel" to you?

That's it!

Come back. Come back. Sit down.

I'm sorry.

I need you to stay,

'cause I can't stand

to see a banana "split." Whoa!

I'll k*ll you, f*ck!

Everybody calm down.

If you won't go to w*r for me,

do it for Clitaris.

What happened to Clitaris?

Clitaris was k*lled by the human queen.


We loved Clitaris, mon.

Aw! Damn, man! You could have

just showed us a picture.

We will all join you, Bazarack.

The humans will feel

our furious vengeance!

Who left the g*dd*mn window open?

We late for the big meeting?

I heard we were going to w*r

with the human city.

Wait a minute.

Don't you two live in the human city?

No, you must be talking

about Flobby and Belzert.

See, we're Flobby and Belzert.

We Intellectoids are clones.

We're all Flobby and Belzert.

If we're going to w*r,

we'd better make some more of us.

- How the hell does that work?

- We'll show you.

But just so you know, it's a complex

process that's evolved over eons.

I put my tongue in his butthole ♪

That's how we reproduce, eh ♪

Stop! Stop! Stop! I'm sorry I asked.

I'm not. I like that nasty shit.

[adventurous music playing]

Farzar ♪

[suspenseful music playing]


That's right. It's me,

fan-favorite breakout character Sal.

Get your Sal T-shirts at SalTheTaint.com.

[indistinct whispering]

What do you mean

I don't own my own likeness?

f*cking Netflix lawyers!

Man, most of Bazarack's army is just shit.

[upbeat video game music plays]



You aliens are lucky I can't come out,

because my new, ultra-glamorous armor

is chafing my balls to shit.

Dad, I think we're in trouble.

Bazarack has united

every alien on Farzar against us.

They outnumber us 90 to one.

What the hell has gotten Bazarack

so pissed off at us?

Oh, I m*rder his best friend.

Anyway, good luck with this shit.

I'm going on vacation with my besties.

Yes! I'm going to get a henna tattoo

and pay a hooker to eat my assh*le.

Dad, there has to be some way

to stop this w*r peacefully.

I'll stop the w*r, Fichael,

when I win thanks to my super w*apon.

[bagpipes play]

Especially when I make

your super w*apon even stronger.

[surfer accent]

I could really go for some boba.

What the hell did you do?

You ruined Squiggles!

Don't you know all his anger

comes from being short?

I think I'm gonna go play Frisbee golf.

Maybe test drive a Corolla.

Squiggles is a basic bitch now! ♪

Prepare to die, humans!

Intellectoids, line up!




Oh, sorry, I missed one.

Barry, w*apon report.

Oh, it's going great.

I covered the b*ttlefield with land mimes.

- You mean land mines?

- No.

[accordion music playing]

[accordion music stops abruptly]

What was the point of that?

The mime is d*ad, isn't he?

Also check out my sexual as*ault r*fle.

[indistinct whispering]

Well, damn it, tell me what I can say!

Chaos! Chaos!

Barry, your new job

is to cure Zobo's chaos addiction

before this w*r

makes him destroy the planet.

Okay, S.H.A.T. Squad,

our troops need a medic.

Well, I actually

went to nursing school before I

Billy, put your nimble hands to use.



w*r is disgusting. I want a new job too.

Anything you want, Scootie.

Ice cream taster?

That's not really a job,

but you got it, buddy!

Fichael, I kind of want

to do tactical planning.

I have an idea

on how to end this w*r. Maybe today!

Those are a lot of words, Val,

but they don't mean anything.

Besides, you already have a job.

You're my girlfriend.

If you want something to do, why don't you

knit me a scarf with my name on it?

Sure. What color would you like?

[chuckles uncomfortably]

Why haven't we won yet?

Wars usually take longer

than 20 minutes, Uncle B.

Yeah, well, so do

your fat wife's juicy blowjobs.

I'm not married.

God, I miss Clitaris!


And I'm afraid I'm gonna lose this w*r.

Day-o! ♪

Daylight come and me want to go home ♪

Yes, reinforcements!

[chuckles] You guys are f*cked now!

- Day ♪

- [dance music playing]

Me say day-o ♪

Daylight come and me want to go home ♪

Day ♪

Me say day-o ♪

Daylight come and me want to go home ♪

Come Mister Tally Man

Tally me bananas ♪

Daylight come and me want to go home ♪

Come Mister Tally Man

Tally me bananas ♪

Daylight come and me want to go home ♪

Where the hell are they going?

You think they're pulling around?

Nope, they're leaving.

Don't worry, Uncle B. I made a call.


sh**t me, I'm r*cist.


I can't move my arm!

Or leg!

Val, this is all your fault.

I'm sorry, Mal.

Hey, wait. I can move

both sides of our body!

Grab my g*n. You've got to fight

our way out of here or we're both d*ad.

But I've never k*lled anyone.


Ah! Oh my God!

Your first k*ll can be hard on ya.


Oh God, I f*cking love k*lling!

I feel no remorse!

Thanks for the cool hand, Billy.

[laughs maniacally]

Val? What the heck's going on with you?

- She's completely gone off the deep end!

- Shut up, freak show!


I've been pushing down my feelings

my whole life. I finally feel free!

I don't want you going back

on the b*ttlefield. You're not yourself.

Nobody tells me what to do anymore, bitch!

Val, that's not fair.

That's our word for you.

Don't stifle her.

If she wants to fight, let her fight.

I will m*rder

every cock-sucking one of you!

Must be that time of the month, huh?

Your mom gets like that

when she's on her period too.

Mom still gets her period? At her age?

Sort of. You ever pull too hard

when you open a cherry Kool-Aid packet?

It's kind of like that.

Yeah, I don't really need to hear about

You ever seen a plane

try to put out a forest f*re?

- Oh, Dad!

- I'm serious.

It's like her hoo-ha

took the cinnamon challenge.

I got it!

I have a plan

to cure your chaos addiction.

Oh! What's that?

Taking you to the most orderly place

on the planet.

- The Container Store.

- [triumphant notes play]

Stacks and stacks of containers

in perfect order,

every lid fitting perfectly.

With many months of training,

you will learn to love order like this.

But what if I do this?

Well, now, that's my breaking point.

I just put a b*mb in your dick.

It will explode if you indulge in chaos.

You're cured. And you're welcome.

Ah! Brain freeze!

Man, I thought this'd be the best job

in the military, but it sucks too.

The best job in the military

has to be the guy who goes around

and tells all them widows

their husbands were k*lled in action.

How's that a good job?

That seems terrible.

Because the death of a spouse

makes women super horny.

I've known that

since my grandpa's funeral.

Grandma was insatiable.

Grandpa ended up in a dirt hole,

and so did half the retirement home.


Uh, yeah,

I really don't need to hear about

I'm serious.

That day, she buried her husband,

and two dozen cocks in her snatch.

I got it!

Fichael, first of all, I'm switching jobs.

I wanna be the dude

who tells widows their husbands died.

Second, see that soldier over there?

He said he wants to be on the front line.

Human shield division.

Wow, we need more men like him.

I'll tell you who needed more men.

My grieving grandmother.

I'm telling you, she gave a whole

new meaning to the term "receiving line."

RIP. That's the sound her vagina made.

Really? No lawyer on that one?

[ominous music plays]

Give it up, Renzo.

You're no match for my best friends,

the skull people!

I still got a trick up my sleeve.

Release the corgis!



So do I!

Release the Roombas!


[dogs whimpering]

So this whole w*r just a f*ck around?

We put up a good fight,

but we're losing this w*r.

I'm gonna nuke this planet,

and we'll find a new place to live.

There's room in the escape ship

for me and you, Fichael.

Wait, I forgot about Easel-bot.

I was kidding

about nuking the planet, son.

Come on, Easel-bot.

Let's get the f*ck out of here.

Dad, wait! Just give me a chance

to talk to Bazarack.

You got five minutes, then we're leaving.

Me, Easel-bot, Slag,

the corgis, giant Squiggles,

Scootie's fat drug dealer,

and this cardboard cutout of Pickle Rick.

[w*r drums playing]

I f*cking hate w*r!

There's no Wi-Fi out here for my Peloton.

This w*r's gonna make me fat! Fat! Fat!

Like that weird-looking new girl

with the B-cups.

Uh, excuse you! The left one's a C.

Prince Fichael?

I'm here because we wanna sit down

and negotiate a peace treaty.

I am kind of over this w*r thing.

But, Uncle B, we only need, like,

another half hour and we can win this w*r.

Why do we need to win when we can settle?

Like you did, Clitaris,

with that tub of shit you call a wife.


Damn it!

Anyway, Fichael, I will agree

to meet with your father.

But just so you know,

I happen to be a master negotiator.

I want all your natural resources.

Sounds fair.

I want to keep this pen.

No. I want your horns.

- Okay, but can I have a glass of water?

- No.

I got him right where I want him.

Peace treaty signed.

I super f*cked that up.

We have peace on Farzar!

Dad, can we throw a big peace celebration

for the aliens?

I think that sounds like a great idea.

f*ck peace!

I want w*r.

- Val, calm down.

- [grunting]

You're just trying to control me

like everyone else in my life!

She's still punching me.

What's with your girlfriend, Fichael?

Put her in the dungeon.

I'll straighten her out.

I apologize for that.

As a peace offering,

how would you like your own Wendigo?

Ooh, I'd love one.


What the hell is this?

I thought you meant an RV,

not a g*dd*mn monster.

I almost feel bad

for sending Corporal Lairman out there.

Why? I didn't get a scratch on me.

I'm so glad the w*r is over.

I can't wait to get back to my wife.

She gets so horny when I'm gone.

Could you imagine

how sex crazy she'd be if I died?

Oh, I guess I did get a scratch on me.

Don't worry. Nurse Billy will patch that.


[knocking on door]

I regret to inform you,

Corporal Lairman died in action.


Sal, you idiot, she's not horny.

She's just sad.

Well, yeah, I'm sad.

You just told me my daddy died.

Your dad?

[deep voice]

Did I just hear my husband died?

Oh, Lord!

That makes me horny as hell!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Can you do something

about your crazy mama?

Everyone grieves in their own way.

Oh! g*dd*mn, you strong, bitch!

The death of my spouse has my gash

gooey with grief grease, y'all.

See? What did I tell ya?

That's a season wrap on Sal, everybody.

Good night!

[mysterious music playing]

Since I can't indulge in chaos,

I will just live out my life

all alone up here.

No people, no chaos.

Hey, friend. Are you here

to find inner peace as well?

Actually, I am. [chuckles]

What is your secret?

A man named Barry Barris

put b*mb in our naughty bits.

I was a kleptomaniac, but not anymore,

thanks to this b*mb in my titty.

I was addicted to peanut brittle,

but Barry made me realize there's

something I like more than peanut brittle.

Not having an exploded assh*le.

Praise him.

Whoa! And I thought having

a b*mb up my dick was a bad thing.

Maybe it can change my life

for the better.

Just be glad you weren't his patient

before they invented tiny b*mb.


Looks like he put a fat man

in your little boy.

Dad? I got us matching T-shirts

to wear to the peace celebration.

What the hell's this?

What is this?

The end of the aliens.

I couldn't have done it without you, son.

I've been working

on my ultimate w*apon for years,

but the missing ingredient was alien DNA.

Thanks to your alien immigration,

I had all I needed.

Hey, Fichael! Your dad is cool, man.

He lets us live in this escape room.

- The puzzles are real hard though.

- But we ain't giving up.

I think the answer's got something

to do with those two turds in the corner.

- Them are your turds, Flobby.

- I know. The mystery runs deep.

And you even had the idea

of gathering them all together in one spot

for the peace celebration.

I'll wipe them all out

before they know what hit 'em.

And here's the best part.

I built one for you.

I even gave it two C-cups

because I know you're self-conscious

about your mismatched milkies.

Join me. We can finally

bring real peace to Farzar

and rule the entire planet

as father and son.

I really thought I could change you.

I guess Bazarack was right. You are evil.

Well, I'm wiping those aliens out

with or without you.

No, you're not, because I'm gonna

tell 'em what you're planning.

I thought you might say that.

Your girlfriend likes my plan.

And Renzo likes the new me.


Val, don't do this!

I love you!

You love me?

Tell me one thing you know about me.

You're, uh You're a preacher.

I'm a teacher.

Oh, I get 'em mixed up,

'cause I've been molested by both.

You are a terrible boyfriend and I can't

believe I put up with your shit,

just like I put up with everything!

But not anymore, Fichael! We are done.

Do you hear me? Done.

f*ck off and die!

[gasps] Are we having our first fight?

Oh, I gotta get out of here

to warn the aliens!

This is an escape room, man.

There ain't no way out of here.

Unless you're real good at turd puzzles.

Wait, if we create

enough Flobby and Belzert clones,

we could pop that cage door right open.

Great. How does that work?

Oh, you gonna like this.

I put my tongue in his butthole ♪

That's how we reproduce ♪

I stick out my lips ♪

And suck out all the juice ♪

[announcer] The clone scene made

an animator puke, so we cut it.

Great job with the peace treaty.

You gave away everything

and got nothing in return.

What do you mean nothing? Hello!

Have you seen the Lean Pocket

vending machines Renzo gave us?

I know someone's wife

who should switch to Lean Pockets.


I don't know who I am anymore!

How are you going to manage

to give a speech?

Everyone knows Clitaris wrote

all of your speeches.

What do you think, I'm lazy or something?

I'll have you know

I wrote this one all by myself.

[clears throat]

Me Bazarack, hey.

Having peaces on Farzars make me so happy

that I touch chicken penis

with lobster claw

and make sticky mess on floors.

Oh, I get it.

The chicken penis is us,

the lobster claw's the humans,

and the sticky mess,

that's cum, innit?

[aliens gasp]

[dramatic music playing]


Oh, great. More bullshit.

I put my tongue in his butthole

That's how we reproduce ♪

I stick out my lips

And suck out all the juice ♪

Ooh, I hope this door pops open soon.

Congratulations, you made it out!

You didn't even find the key

we hid in your turds.

I f*cking knew it!

[aliens screaming]

[dramatic music playing]

Bet this isn't the first time

Lean Pockets made you shit your pants.

Ugh. That was funny and I agree,

but you're going too far, Val.

What Renzo is doing is wrong!


Oh, you will pay for that!


I spent $2 billion

on this perfect metal hair.

You'll regret that.

I hate you!

All my life, you've been out of control

and I've been forced to be the good one.

[Val's mom] Eat your veggies, Val.

Good girls are healthy.

[rock music plays]

[Val's mom] Color inside the lines, Val.

That's what good girls do.

[rock music plays]

Oh, I'm done being the good girl.


Wait, I I can move!

[groans] Piss off, f*ck!


[epic music playing]

Val? [grunts]

Are you okay?

Leave me alone.

I never want to see you again.


Ow! Oh, oh, oh!

Think you won, huh?

Well, this ain't even my real robot.

[epic music continues]




I told you that

Your daddy is an evil assh*le ♪

Sorry, it's catchy.

It's on my SoundCloud, by the way.


Thank you, Fichael.

Barry cured my chaos addiction.

f*ck what I said.

I need you to do a chaos-trophe right now.

It's the only thing that can stop my dad.

I just told you that I was cured.

Besides, I can't indulge in chaos.

Barry put a b*mb in my dick.

I didn't put a b*mb in your dick.

That would be crazy.

I just made you think

I put a b*mb in your dick.

This is why everyone hates you, Barry.

Okay, I will try.

Chaos! Cha

Oh, I guess I did put a b*mb in your dick.

Oh God, we're done for!

Day-o! ♪

Oh! They must be here

to save us this time!

- [dance music playing]

- Day ♪

Me say day-o ♪

Daylight come and me want to go home ♪

You bunch of dicks!

Yeah, "bunch." That was a banana pun!

- [moaning]

- [romantic music playing]

Yes! Yes!

Aha! Renzo, she's "Chiquiting" on you!

Uh, I'm so tired

of having to be on all the time.

Mom? Oh God!

Chaos! Chaos!

Zobo? You transformed!

I did? Do I look cool?

Uh sure.

So this is a chaos-trophe, huh?

How did this destroy a planet?

I'm not sure!

Wow! That was some expl*si*n.

Well, to be fair,

at least half of that was a titty b*mb.

I thought there was good in you,

but I was wrong. Sorry, Dad.

Now, Zobo!


Are you okay?

What have I done?

I can't believe it. Renzo's d*ad?

And the Dome is gone forever.

This was always my dream.

All you needed was a little motivation.

You see, I faked my own

Ah! A ghost!

[adventurous music playing]
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