01x02 - Funny Money

[bunniefuu]

This stuff is terrible.

It's the paper, boss.

We don't stand a chance.

The government
takes all the good stuff.

Ah... But boss, if
this stuff is no good,

what am I gonna do?

Syndicate expects me to
go to the coast tomorrow

and start pushing it out there.

Don't worry, you can still
go to the coast tomorrow.

Ziggy's on his way over here

with 50 grand I had
stashed in the apartment.

It's made on the old paper.

You won't have no
trouble pushing it.

That must be Ziggy.

Get the door.

Who is it?

It's me, Ziggy.

Well, where's the stuff?

Now, look, boss, don't get sore.

I left it on a
Madison Avenue bus.

What?

I couldn't help it, boss.

I was coming here on the bus.

Well, I got it in the suitcase,

but on 49th Street, a
cop gets on the bus.

Well, it don't bother me none,

until I notice that
he's looking at me

like maybe he knows me.

So, I get scared

and I jump off the
bus at the next stop.

Why didn't you take
the suitcase with you?

I couldn't take a chance.

If he was gonna make the pinch,

I didn't want him to
find the stuff on me.

Anyway, boss, what are
you getting sore about?

It ain't like it's real money.

It's as good as real money!

It's made on the old
stuff we can't get no more.

We gotta get that suitcase back.

What bus line was you on?

It was the Madison Avenue bus.

I think it's the Gotham.

Aah...

Hello. I'd like to get
some information.

Uh, supposing somebody
leaves something on a bus,

uh, say a suitcase.

What does he gotta
do to get it back?

Uh-huh. He's gotta
come down and identify it.

And what?

Describe the contents?

And then what?

You open it, and if the
description matches, why...

Look, uh, but suppose
nobody claims it,

then what happens to it?

Yeah?

Oh. Uh-huh.

Okay, thanks a lot, sister.

Well, boys, we're
getting that suitcase back.

But boss, how?

We can't let them open it up.

I know that.

But if nobody claims
it within 30 days,

it goes to whoever
found it and turned it in.

It's usually the bus driver.

All we gotta do is find
out who turned it in,

wait 30 days, and
then we get it from him.

Boss, what if he don't
wanna give it to us?

Suppose you shut up!

He'll give it to us... or else!

Come in.

Oh, Mother, what a
wonderful surprise!

Hello, Alice.

I was shopping in
the neighborhood,

and I thought I'd drop in.

Oh, Alice, am I exhausted!

Oh, Mother, don't
sit in that chair.

It was broken,
and I just fixed it.

Something else is broke.

Every time I come over
here, something else is busted.

If only that husband of yours

would buy you
something new for once.

Mother, it isn't Ralph's fault.

"It isn't Ralph's fault."

Look, Alice, just because
you're married to a horse

doesn't mean you
have to live in a stable.

What is she doing here?

Please, Ralph, she's my mother.

What's that, your lunchbox?

Oh! You're starting
right in, huh?

Starting right in
with the insults.

No warming up in the
bullpen or nothing, huh?

Starting right in.

I remember when
you used to come over,

you used to start slow with
a couple of "Hello, stupids"

and stuff like that.

Now I don't even get
that anymore, huh?

Well, let me tell you something,
and get this into your head.

This is my home, and
when you come in here,

treat me with respect,

and address me
with a civil tongue!

Oh, why don't you shut up?

Ralph, what's the matter
with the two of you?

Can't you ever get
together without fighting?

I didn't start this.

Mammy Yokum did.

Ralph, I don't
care who started it,

but it is stopping right now.

Anyway, what's that bag?

Oh, I told you about this.

Remember last month
they found a bag on the bus?

Well, nobody claimed
it, so now it's mine.

Well, what's in it?

I don't know what's in it.

Can't be anything of value,
or they would've claimed it.

Can't be of any value, or
you wouldn't have found it.

Ha-ha, you dirty old...

Look, Alice, I got something
important to talk to you about,

and I'd like to
do it in private.

Anything you can
say to my daughter,

you can say in front of me.

What is it, Ralph?

Well, look, Alice, I'm
short a couple of bucks,

and I gotta pay my
dues at the lodge tonight.

They're gonna
throw me out if I don't.

Don't you give
him a cent, Alice!

One of these days you're
gonna push me too far.

The only thing that could
push you is a bulldozer!

All right, get out!

Get out! Out!

All right, Alice,
it's all right.

I have to be going anyway.

You were going anyway.

Whether you were going
anyway or any other way,

I'm throwing you out anyway!

There isn't room in this
place for you and me.

There isn't room in this
place for you and anybody!

Out!

And to think that you
gave up a good job

in the laundry for this! Oh!

All right, now that that's over,

now that the big wind is
gone, let me have the money.

It comes to about $15.

I'm not giving
you a dime, Ralph.

What do you mean you're
not giving me a dime?

Who d*ed and left you boss?

You needn't act
so surprised, Ralph.

You know perfectly well why
you're not getting the money.

Your lodge dues is supposed
to come out of your allowance.

But I spent my allowance.

Look, Alice, don't
start anything.

I gotta have the money!

You know that all the
members down there

are my pals, my
buddies, my friends.

They'll throw me out
if I don't pay my dues.

Alice, don't start!

I gotta have the money!

Please, Alice, do you know
how embarrassing it would be

to be thrown out of
the Raccoon Lodge?

Certainly.

It's pretty embarrassing
just to be in it.

Look, I know there's money
around here someplace,

and I demand it.

I'm not giving
you a cent, Ralph.

I am saving that
money to buy furniture.

Furniture?

What do you wanna
buy furniture for?

We got furniture!

You call this junk furniture?

Junk?

Junk?

Junk?

Just watch yourself, Alice.

This furniture was
a wedding present

from my grandfather.

Yeah. To your grandmother.

Now I'm going up to Trixie's.

Alice, you can't go up.

I gotta have the money!

Hey, there, Ralphie boy.

Oh, hiya, Norton.

What's in the bag?
Taking a little trip?

No. I found it on
the bus a month ago.

Nobody claimed it, so it's mine.

What's in it?

I don't know.

It can't be anything of value,

or they would've claimed it.

Look, forget about the bag.

You gotta do me a favor.

I owe my dues, and I
gotta pay 'em tonight,

or they'll throw me out.

Now, I need about $15.

$15? I ain't got $15.

I got an idea, though,
how you can get the $15.

Why don't you sell
the bag for 15 bucks?

What, are you
crazy, or something?

Only a maniac would
buy that for 15 bucks.

You wanna buy it?

I don't want it,
I don't want it.

Hey, maybe there's something
inside the bag worth $15.

If there was anything
of value in there,

somebody would've
come down and claimed it.

Well, it couldn't hurt
to take a look, could it?

Geez.

All right.

I can't understand a
word you're saying, Ralph.

What are you
getting excited for?

Money! I'm a millionaire!

There's a fortune in here!

Enough to keep you in
pizza for the rest of your life!

Alice. Alice, you and
me, we're millionaires!

Look... money!

What are you talking about?

Look, money. Ralph, it's money!

Is this what you
found on the bus?

Yeah. Who
could've left it there?

It must've been some
millionaire, or something.

Boy, I hope so.

I'd hate to think it
was some poor person

who could really need it.

Ralph, I can't believe this.

Why would anybody leave
this amount of money on the bus

and then not claim it?

How do I know?

Maybe he just forgot
it, or something,

and then he d*ed later.

Oh, Ralph.

Well, all I know is,

I'd die if I left this on a bus.

Ralph, just stop
being ridiculous.

This sounds pretty phony to me.

Phony? You k*ll me, Alice.

You absolutely m*rder me!

All your life you're
beefing and screaming,

"When is my ship gonna come in?

When is my ship gonna come in?"

Well, here it is,
the Queen Mary!

Come in.

Oh, uh, hiya, Grogan.

Anything wrong?

Oh, there's nothing
wrong, Kramden.

I'm just collecting for
the annual children's party

at the Youth Center.

I suppose I can put you
down for the usual buck, huh?

Hardy-har-har.

Here you are, Grogan.

Hey, Kramden, this
bill... It's a hundred!

That's right.

And there's more
where that came from.

Kids need any more,
just let me know.

I'd be glad to help out.

Gee, thanks,
Kramden, thanks a lot.

Here, here's your receipt.

Keep it yourself.

Thanks again.

All right, Grog.

Well, there you are, Alice.

That's how phony I think it is.

Hello, operator?

Just testing a new phone.

Thank you.

How do you do?

I'm Mr. Kramden's chauffeur.

Oh, Ralph? It's me, Norton.

I got the stuff.

Be out in a minute, Norton.

Did you get everything?

Well, uh, almost everything,

except the cashmere bowling bag.

That's a little special;
you gotta wait for that.

Oh, I see.

Well, have you got
all the extensions in?

That's right.

Got the one here,

I put one in the bedroom,
one in the bathroom,

and one out on the fire escape.

The fire escape?
What's that for?

You don't understand, Norton.

Now that I'm a rich man,

I can afford any
convenience I wish.

The phone is out
on the fire escape

for when I sleep out
there in the summertime.

Well, I guess I'll be going.

Uh, before you go,

would you mind if
I check the phone?

I want everything
to be just right.

Go right ahead. Thank you.

Uh, who do you think
I should call, Norton?

Uh, why don't you
try the fire escape?

Maybe somebody's out there.

He's a regular riot.

I know, I'll call
Marshall, my boss.

Hello? Mr. Marshall?

Uh, this is Ralph Kramden.

Yes, yes.

Oh, uh... I called
to tell you that I quit.

That's right.

Oh, and furthermore,
you... are a bum!

Well, is the phone
all right, Mr. Kramden?

Well, except for a little
slight clicking in the line,

it seems to be all right.

Can't be anything
wrong with the phone.

I just checked it.

It must be in the trunk line.

Well, uh...

now you just
see that it's fixed.

I want everything just right.

$100! Don't worry, Mr. Kramden,
the phone will be perfect.

And there's plenty more
where that came from.

Bye. Good-bye.

Good-bye.

It pays to buy the best.

Well, I guess I know

how to live like a rich man, eh?

Oh, boy, I tell you...

You know, when you got money,

the world is at your feet.

Money talks.

You'd be surprised

since the news got
out that I got money,

all the salesmen
that are after me.

And not only salesmen,
but executives.

What do you mean?

Well, when I was
down at the store today,

getting all this stuff
to surprise Alice,

when I came back, the
superintendent told me

that there were a couple of
important-looking men here,

looking for me.

How do you know
they were important?

Well, he said that when they
were talking to each other,

he overheard the conversation,

and one of the guys... I
think his name was Ziggy...

Whenever he spoke
to the other guy,

he kept calling him "boss."

So, he's probably the boss

of some sort of investment firm

they want me on the board of
directors, or something like that.

Hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

One of the guy's name was Ziggy?

I think I know that company.

Merrill, Lynch, Pierce,
Fenner and Ziggy.

That could be it.

I'll get it, sir.

All righty.

Darling boy!

So, you found out I
got the money, huh?

You didn't lose any time
getting over here, did you?

Money? Why, what money?

You know what money!

The money I found on the bus!

Oh. Oh, that!

Oh, yes, yes, I
guess I do remember

somebody telling me about that.

Yeah. Yes.

Well, now, look, darling,

the only reason
that I came over here

is because I want to be
with my favorite son-in-law.

Oh, sonny boy, you
certainly did fix this place up

so beautiful for
my little Alice.

Oh, do you like it?

It sure was expensive.

You didn't spend all
the money, did you?

Nah, I'm loaded.

Oh! Uh, not that it would
make any difference.

Oh, of course not.

Oh, by the way, sonny
boy, Father's back

has been giving him
a lot of trouble lately,

and I was thinking
that a trip to Florida

would do him a world of
good, and the fare's only $100.

Uh-huh. So, that's
what you come over for...

100 bucks, eh?

You got some case.

Oh, now, that has
nothing to do with it,

and besides, what's $100
to a rich man like you?

Why, of course.

Why, just a little while ago,
he gave the repairman $100

just to take the clicking
out of the phone.

Well, I guess
maybe you're right.

I'm a millionaire.

What's $100? Just
a mere bag of shells.

All right, here you are.

Send the old man
down to Florida.

Uh, you know, sonny boy,
I hate to send Father alone.

I really ought to go with him.

Oh, no, you don't, oh, no!

It's only another $100.

You've got $100;
be glad you got that,

or I'll take that back.

Well, all right, sonny
boy, while Father's away,

I'll stay here with
you and Alice.

Wait a minute,
here's the other $100.

Oh, hi, Mother.

Oh. Ralph, I...

Ralph, what have
you done to this place?

Well... I thought I'd
surprise you, Alice.

So, while you were
out this afternoon,

I went down to a
store, ordered all this,

and told them
to send it right up

just as a surprise for you.

Well, what do you think of it?

You want to know
what I think, Ralph?

I think you've gone crazy.

You've been spending
this money like a lunatic.

I told you to hang on
to the money, Ralph,

until you found out
what this was all about.

Now, wasn't that right, Mother?

You shut up!

Sonny boy knows what he's doing.

She's not such a
bad old crow at that,

I'll say that for her.

I'm very sorry, but when
I want to buy something,

I want it the way I want it.

Now, either you have a
motorboat with three propellers,

or I'll go someplace else.

Ralph, Ralph.

Will you leave me
alone? I'm on the phone.

Ralph, will you
hang up that phone?

Look, I'll call you back.

Now, what is it?

Ralph, you know, yesterday
you gave Tommy Doyle $100

to take your suit
to the cleaners?

So what? So what?

So, Tommy's in jail.

That $100 was counterfeit.

You mean to tell me
that you interrupted me

when I'm ordering a
motorboat with three...

He's in jail?

It's counterfeit?

That's right, Ralph.

This explains everything.

That's why nobody
claimed the money.

It was all counterfeit.

It's all no good.

Alice, I've been spending
that money all over town.

What am I gonna do?

Ralph, I told you this
whole thing was a phony.

Oh, don't give me that
"I told you so" routine.

What am I gonna do?

There's only one thing...

If they put him in jail
for spending one bill,

they'll hang me!

You just gotta go to the
police, Ralph, that's all,

and tell them the truth.

Are you outta your mind?

If I go down there,

they'll put me in jail
for the rest of my life.

You gotta help me, Alice.

Help me pack; I
gotta leave town.

I'll do nothing of the kind.

I'm going down to see
Tommy Doyle's mother

and try and explain
all of this to her.

Alice, you can't leave
me alone at a time like this!

Hey, Ralph!

It's me, Norton.

Want me to put the
car in the garage?

Just fill it with gas

and point it toward Mexico!

What?

Hey, congratulations, Ralph.

You found another bag.

Is this one stuffed
with money, too?

Look, I got no time to explain.

That other bag was
full of counterfeit money.

The police are
after me right now.

Counterfeit? Police? Shee...

All right, I gotta
get out of town

before they catch up with me.

That's them!

That's the police!

There's nobody in here!

Shut up!

Open up!

What am I gonna do, Norton?

What am I gonna do?

Listen, do the only
thing you can do.

Destroy the evidence.

Then they can't
pin anything on you.

Put it in the oven, burn it up!

I'll be right out.

My wife's taking
a bath in the sink.

I'm coming, I'm coming!

Now, look.

No matter what I say,
you swear yes to it.

Don't worry about
it; I'm your pal,

and I'll stick with
you right to the end.

Yes, sir?

I never saw this
man before in my life.

Shut up.

Which one of you
guys is Kramden?

He is. He is.

You heard me!

Which one is Kramden?

I admit it, I admit
it... I'm Kramden.

But look, I didn't know it
was counterfeit money.

I found it on a bus.

I wouldn't lie to a
couple of detectives.

Honest, pal, I just
found it on a bus.

Detectives?

Hey, boss, he thinks we're...

Uh... look, Kramden,
I'll tell you what.

We're gonna give you a break.

You give us the money,
and we won't turn you in.

Us cops don't like to put
innocent people in trouble,

do we, Ziggy?

You mean if I give
you back that money,

you'll let me go?

That's right. Right away, pal.

Wait a minute, Ralph.

Don't give them the money.

They're not the police.

What are you talking about?

Didn't you hear one of them
call the other one Ziggy?

They're from the
investment company

Merrill, Lynch, Pierce,
Fenner and Ziggy!

Will you leave me alone?

Ah!

All right, where is it?

You heard me... where is it?

Okay, fatso.

I'm giving you ten seconds
to give us the money,

or I'm letting you have it.

Five seconds!

Drop those g*ns!

Officer, Officer!

Arrest that big fat one there!

He's the one who gave
me the counterfeit bill.

Mama, I'm sonny boy!

Don't you call me
Mama, you crook!

And these others are
probably members of his g*ng!

All right, all right!

I don't know who anybody is.

I'm taking you all downtown.

We'll straighten this
out at headquarters.

So, come on, let's go.

Fine way to treat your
favorite son-in-law!

Ooh, would I like
to belt you one!

I don't know, Ralph.

All I know is that if
you had listened to me,

none of this would
have happened.

But no, Ralph.

You never listen to
anyone but yourself.

Are you finished?

Are you finished with all
the lectures, Carrie Nation?

Are you finished with the
"if you only had have done

what I told you so's"?

Are you finished with those?

Well, if you're
finished with them,

let's get something clear.

Right now.

So what?

So what if I got
in a little trouble?

I was a millionaire
for a couple of days.

That's more than anybody
else in this dump can say.

For two days I had it,

and I went with it, too.

It came easy, and
it went just as fast.

And that's the
way I'd be if I had it.

Easy come, easy go.

If anybody found out I
had it, they could have it.

It's my nature to spend.

Except I never have
anything to spend.

Anyway, so what?

I didn't get in any trouble,
there was no harm done.

I explained to the cops
how I got the money,

and they let me go.

So, what did I do?

What'd I do?

You think that's all
there is to it, Ralph?

Yeah. That's all I can see.

What about quitting
your job, Ralph?

Or was that nothing?

Forgot about that.

Yeah.

I suppose you
forgot that all this stuff

has to go back, too.

Every bit of it.

All that is, except
your suits, Ralph.

The tailor can't
take those back.

He doesn't know any elephants

that need a new wardrobe.

But according to you, Ralph,

nothing happened.

Hello?

Huh?

Oh, yeah, the phone's
working perfectly.

No, there's no
clicking, or nothing.

It's just working fine.

Yes, ma'am.

Thank you very much.

Oh, uh... uh...

would you send somebody
around to take it out?

Thank you.