01x04 - A Woman's Work Is Never Done

[bunniefuu]

With the stars...

and...

Captioning sponsored by

Hi, Alice.

Hurry up with my
eats. I'm going bowling.

Did I, or did I not this morning

tell you to wash and
iron my bowling shirt?

Oh, I'm sorry, Ralph.

I was so busy today,

I just didn't get
around to the laundry.

You just didn't
get around to it?

That's right, I just
didn't get around to it.

Why don't you wear one
of your regular white shirts?

What's the difference anyway?

What's the difference?

I'll show you what
the difference is, Alice!

Do you see that? Do
you see those big letters?

They're put on there purposely.

They say "Hurricane"!

Hurricane!

You know why they're on there?

That's when I'm bowling
and I'm on the alley,

people who are watching the game

know which team
I am a member of.

I'm a member of
the Hurricanes, Alice.

How are they gonna
know I'm a Hurricane?

Just open your mouth.

Just be a little careful,
Alice, a little careful.

Remember, the life you
save may be your own.

I suppose you didn't have
time to sew these either, huh?

Your socks.

I'm sorry, Ralph. No, I didn't.

No excuse or anything?

Haven't you got any excuse
why you didn't sew the socks?

I know why you haven't
got any excuse, Alice.

You're afraid to
give me an excuse!

'Cause you know that I
know that you know that I know

what you've been doing
around here all day!

Sitting there, fooling around!

You know something?

Right after you left
the house this morning,

I got in one of those
silly moods of mine.

You know how I get sometimes?

So just for laughs I thought,

well, I'll do the
breakfast dishes

and make the bed and
take the garbage down.

Then when I came back up,

I was still in such a
funny mood, you know.

I thought, why
should I settle down

to the drudgery of
mending your socks?

So I scrubbed the kitchen floor.

Then, you know somethin'?

I was still so giddy and
so gay over this whole thing

that I thought I'd
really enjoy myself,

so I washed all the windows.

Then, Ralph, I went out
and I did the marketing.

And I came back
with a pot roast,

and I put the pot
roast on the stove,

and while it was cooking,

I went in and I cleaned
out the bedroom closet.

Now, I know that this may
sound like work to you, Ralph,

but it isn't, it's fun.

It is such good sport.

Do you know why it's
such good sport, Ralph?

Because I'm so loaded
with modern conveniences.

Just loaded: steam irons
and vacuum cleaners

and dishwashers and
washing machines.

To say nothing of this lovely,

new, modern
refrigerator over here.

Oh, that reminds me.

It's time to defrost it.

That will give you
a rough idea, Ralph,

of what a joy it is working
around this apartment all day.

You know why?
'Cause it's so up-to-date.

I am the only girl in town
with an atomic kitchen.

This place looks like
Yucca Flats after the blast.

Oh, you're a riot, Alice.

A regular riot.

You got it tough, all
right. You got it tough.

You got it too soft,
that's the matter with you!

But it's not gonna
be that way anymore

because I'm putting
in a new system.

And now I've gotta tell you
how the system's gonna work.

If I come in here in the morning

and I tell you to do something,

and when I come back at
night, if that thing isn't done,

you get one demerit.

And you'll get one
demerit every time

you don't do
something that I tell ya.

And do you know
what happens to you

when you get ten demerits?

Don't you try to bully
me, Sergeant Kramden.

I have got plenty to do

around this house all
day, and you know it.

You come home here after
working an eight-hour shift

and you're absolutely exhausted.

Do you know how many
hours I work a day, Ralph?

24 hours a day,
seven days a week,

and I haven't had a
day off in 14 years.

Holidays are a double shift.

Now let me tell you something.

There's an old,
old saying, Ralph.

"Man works from sun to sun,

but woman's work is never done."

Good gosh.

I'll tell you why

woman's work is
never done, Ralph.

Because she's got the
toughest boss in this whole world:

a husband.

Boy, you men k*ll
me. You're all alike.

You push us around,

you want us to bow
and scrape at your feet.

All you do is yell and
scream and give orders.

You men just think
that you own this world.

Yeah, but you women get revenge.

You marry us.

All right, Ralph, I'm
telling you something.

I am sick and tired of
taking care of this place,

and I'm not doing it anymore.

What do you mean,
you're not doing it anymore?

Just what I said. We
are getting a maid.

You are stark staring nuts.

What do you mean
we're getting a maid?

I can't even afford you!

Don't you worry, Ralph.

You won't have to
pay her. I'll pay her.

I'm gonna get myself a job,

and for once in my life,
I'm gonna take it easy.

I'm gonna get one of those
sun-to-sun jobs, Ralph.

I'm gonna come home at night,

and the maid will
set dinner on the table

and then she'll do the dishes,

and it'll be just like
having a vacation.

Oh, it'll be a vacation, huh?

Working for some boss
will be a vacation, huh?

Well, I'm calling your bluff.

Go ahead and get a job!

I'll be happy to have
a maid around here.

Then maybe I'll
get something done!

Ha-ha. You think a maid is
gonna jump at your slightest whim?

She certainly will.

I happen to be the
master of this household.

Har-har-hardy-har-har.

You just decided for me, Alice.

You just decided for me!

I'm going on The
$64,000 Question.

And do you know why?

'Cause I'm an expert
in one of the categories!

Aggravation!

Now remember.

Don't act like we never
hired a maid before.

They'll take advantage of us.

Act important. They'll
think we're big sh*ts.

I just hope it doesn't
take too long, Ralph.

This is my lunch hour.
I gotta get back to work.

Never mind your
lunch. Just act important.

Uh, my name is Mr. Wilson.

Now, what can I do for you?

How are you?

This is my wife, Mrs. Kramden.

And I'm her husband,
Mr. Kramden.

Well, I'm certainly
glad you came.

I, uh, I have an opening
for a couple just like you

on an estate out in Long Island.

You are making a slight mistake.

Yeah. We're bigshots.

Uh... We haven't
come here to get work.

We want to hire
some domestic help,

like you got in
the window there.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
I should have known.

I'm sure I can help
you, Mr. Kramden,

if you'll just answer
a few questions.

Now let me see. Your first name?

Ralph.

Mm-hmm. Ralph. And address?

728 Chauncey street.

Pays to buy the best.

You may wonder why I'm chuckling
when you asked me my address.

Now, we must've
hired a thousand maids,

and they always ask
the same question.

"What's your address?"

Now, Mr. Kramden, where,
uh, where do you work?

Hmm?

Oh, I am associated with
the Gotham Transit Line.

I see.

Now, Mrs. Kramden, I
assume you'll be home

to supervise the maid's work.

Well, no. You see, I have a job.

B-b... she doesn't need the job.

You know, career...
She's a career girl.

Oh, I see. Certainly.

Uh, tell me, Mrs. Kramden,
where do you work?

At Krause Meyer's bakery.

My career is stuffing
jelly into doughnuts.

Also has a great sense of humor.

I see.

As a matter of
fact, Mr. Kramden,

I was just talking to
someone on the inside

who I think would be
perfect for what you want.

Oh.

Miss Reynolds, would you
send in Thelma, please?

Thelma.

Mr. Kramden, you'll be
very lucky to get Thelma.

She's an extremely good worker.

You know, it's a funny thing
about the maid situation,

but the demand is
so tremendous today,

there just aren't enough
maids to go around.

I guess the maids
are aware of this,

and they've all become
very independent.

Independent?

Oh, hello, Thelma.

This is a maid?

I thought maids had short skirts

with white hats and
black silk stockings.

Ralph!

The chubby one's
gonna be trouble.

Thelma, don't be too hasty.

I'm sure they're an
awfully nice couple.

Uh, Thelma, what my
husband meant was,

we just wanted to
explain your duties to you.

Oh, yeah. What
do I gotta do, yeah.

And I might as well
tell you right now,

I can't do no heavy work.

I'm sickly.

Sickly?

Well, first of all, you'll
have to go to the market.

Then you'll have to
cook, scrub the floors...

I don't scrub no floors.

You're so right, Thelma.

My husband will be
glad to scrub the floors.

Now wait a minute!

You'll scrub the floors.
That's a man's work.

Just a minute. Who's
doin' the hirin' here?

All right, Alice, it's all off!

Oh, no, Ralph, I'm not
giving up my career.

So it's either Thelma or you.

And I might as well tell
ya somethin' else right now.

I get Thursdays and
Sundays off, see?

My work is through the minute
the supper dishes are done.

I don't work in no house
where they got no pets,

so you might as well get
rid of one if you got one.

If you're gonna have a
party, I get time and half over

and the next day off.

And, uh, if you're...

if you're plannin' on
havin' any late snacks,

I don't do no cleanin'
up the next mornin'.

And this boy looks like he
has plenty of late snacks.

Thelma, you're perfect.

Then, uh... then it's settled?

Uh-huh.

All right then, here we go.

You just take this
suitcase, and off we go.

You don't mean to say

that you think I'm gonna
carry your bag, do you?

Would you like me to quit now?

You'd better carry it, Ralph.

All right, gimme it.

She's sickly, huh?

Well, here we are.

If these are the
servants' quarters, I quit.

This is where we live.

You'll stay at your
house and commute.

Now, come on.

This is the bedroom.

You can put your
uniform on in here.

I'll show you
where everything is.

Hey, Ralph.

Oh, Ralph.

Hey, Ralphie boy.

Oh, hiya, Norton.

I got that thing for ya.

Oh, did ya?

Hey, when's the new maid comin'?

Oh, she's here already.

Yeah? Yeah.

Hey, is she anything
like that maid

we saw in that burlesque show?

Wa-wa-wa-whoo. Huh?

You know that maid we
saw in the burlesque show?

Is she like that? Huh-huh.

What maid?

You remember.

The one that helped Lily St.
Cyr into the bathtub full of wine.

Oh, no, she's
not like that maid.

Oh.

She looks more like the
one that installed the bathtub.

But looks don't count, Norton.

It's if she's a worker,

and she looks like a worker.

And I want to tell you
something, Norton.

Having a maid around
lends real class to a home.

For instance, go
out in the hall again,

knock on the door and
I'll have her let you in.

Then you'll see

how a well-operated,
fully-staffed home runs.

All right, pal.

Go ahead.

Louder.

Thelma, there's
somebody at the door.

Thelma, there's
somebody at the door!

Maybe she went down to
your stables to talk to the groom.

Get out of here!

Thelma!

Yeah?

There's somebody
knocking at the door.

Well, answer it!

I thought if it's for you,
go ahead and answer it.

Nobody knows I'm here yet.

Wait a minute!

That's part of your
duties to answer the door.

Now go ahead and answer it.

What do you want?

I got to admit it, Ralph.

She got plenty of class.

Wait a minute.

You're not supposed to
answer the door like that.

If someone knocks on
the door, you usher them in,

then you say, "How do you do?

This is Mr. Kramden's
residence."

Okay. What do I say if somebody
calls for you on the phone?

On the phone? Well, uh...

Oh, uh, well, if they
call on the phone,

you say, "Hello, this is
Mr. Norton's residence."

He uses the phone
up in my apartment.

Okay.

And that's another thing.

Don't say, "Okay."

From now on, say,
"Very good, sir."

Okay.

Well, what do you think
of the maid, Norton?

Well, without a doubt,
Ralph, you have achieved

the heights of gracious living.

Yeah.

You are one of the 400.

In fact, you could
be all of the 400.

Boy, Ralph, must
be a cinch, now, huh?

All you gotta do is
yell, "Hey, Thelma!"

And she does anything you want.

I don't have to yell at all.

All I have to do
is ring the bell

and she comes running.

Oh?

What do you say we
give it a little test run?

Get her out here.

All right.

Well, what'll I ask her
when she gets out here?

I got it.

I'll say, "My guest and me

want to have some
coffee and cake."

Okay.

Must be a slow track,
she's a slow runner.

If that's the Good Humor
man, get me a Popsicle.

It's not the Good Humor man.

I rang that because I want you!

Oh. Well, what do you want?

My friend and I will have
some coffee and cake.

Okay.

Just a moment.

"That'll be very good, sir."

Okay.

Uh, may I?

Must be a fetish with her.

What?

May I? Oh. Go ahead.

Thelma, would you mind

stepping into the dining area?

Well, what do you want?

With my coffee, I
would like one lump.

You keep on ringing that

and you'll get
one lump all right.

Okay.

I told you to stop
saying "Okay"!

It's "Very good, sir."

This happens to be my guest,

and I am your employer!

Mm, some guest
and some employer.

The simp and the blimp.

How dare you say that to me!

I quit!

You quit?

You can't quit!

You can't quit
unless I fire you.

Remember that! Now get out here!

I'm warning you, you'll
never work anywhere else.

I'll have your union
card taken away.

You cannot quit, Thelma,
and that's my final word on it.

I tell you, I'm quitting.

I say you're not quitting!

You'd better come back.

Thelma, come back
in here! Thelma!

Will you stop yelling, Ralph?

You don't have to do that.

I'll get her back here.

Oh, will you stop it!

Come in.

Is this the Kramden residence?

Why don't you shut up?

Hey, what happened
to the new maid

you hired yesterday?

She quit after I fired her.

Fired her?

Yes. That's the
fourth maid this week.

The fourth? I only
remember three.

Oh, you didn't see one of them.

She didn't even
put on a uniform.

She just walked in the
bedroom, saw a mop,

got scared and ran out of here.

Why don't you get another maid?

They won't send
any more up here.

They're all afraid of working.

Well, all I know is,

I can't make Alice quit her job,

I can't get a maid and
I gotta break my back

cleaning up this
house on my day off.

Well, if that's the
way it is, I think I'll go.

I got an early date
at the pool hall.

Uh, Norton... uh...

wanna do me a favor, pal?

I'm never gonna get
all this work done.

Not before Alice gets home.

Would you mind helping
me out with a little of it?

Why, I would be glad
to, buddy boy, pal of mine.

Norton, you are a friend indeed.

However, there will be a
small charge of a buck an hour.

You would charge
me a dollar an hour?

That's right. A buck an hour.

And I don't do no dishes,
that's the ladies' work.

All right, Norton. It's a deal.

Finish the rest of that ironing.

Very good, sir.

Norton? Yeah?

Come over here
and help me with this.

What do you wanna do with it?

I gotta lift it up.

I wanna put it over there
so I can mop in back of this.

Get over there.

Now, look, I'll say,

"One, two, three, lift!"
And we heave-ho. Ready?

Ready.

One, two, three, lift!

Why didn't you lift?

You didn't heave-ho!

All right, Norton.

Bend down and
grab it underneath.

And we'll come up slowly.

All right.

Wait a minute. Wait. Hold it.

This is a little too heavy.

Can I make a suggestion, please?

I think I know
why it's too heavy.

The drawers are
probably loaded with junk.

If we just take the drawers out,

it'll be a lot easier to move.

Good thinking, Norton. Go ahead.

All right, let's go.

All right, over here.

A little more...
a little more...

A little more.

That's it. Well...

Wasn't that a lot
easier that way?

All right, all right,

so you get one
good idea all year,

you got to make a
federal case out of it.

Hey, Ralph.

Yeah?

I smell something burning.

You got something on the stove,

or in the oven, or what?

No.

Huh?

Is this your idea
of a joke, Norton?

No, no. That's
my idea of a burn.

Don't be funny!

Well, I guess I can't blame you.

This kind of work
isn't for a man.

This is a woman's work.

I gotta figure some way

to get Alice back
and quit her job.

Why don't you
just tell her to quit?

I can't do that.
She wouldn't quit.

Just telling her
to quit like that?

I gotta think of a scheme.

Hey, wait a minute.

What?

Look, what does a woman fall for

better than anything else?

A left hook.

No. Flattery!

All I have to do is
flatter her a little bit.

You know, when she comes in,

tell her how nice
her hair looks.

Then I tell her how
starry-eyed she looks.

The first thing you know, I'll
have her scrubbing the floors.

Now let's see.

What sort of things
can I say to her?

I got it, I'll call her
what I used to call her

before we were married.

What's that?

Little buttercup.

Wait a minute.

I didn't call her that,
she called me that.

Little buttercup.

What's so funny?

I mean, she used to call
you her little buttercup?

Yeah.

What's so funny
about that, Norton?

You were a little cup of butter,

now you're a whole tub of lard!

Hiya, Ralph. Hi, Ed.

What is that vision that just
walked through the door?

Norton, what is Marilyn
Monroe doing here?

Where? Where? Where? Where?

My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my!

How beautiful you look tonight.

Is that a new shade
of lipstick you have?

No. I got a promotion today.

Now I'm a jelly doughnut taster.

Oh... And look at
those alabaster hands,

how white and pure.

That's powdered sugar.

I don't think the flattery
is going too good.

Why don't you try a left hook?

Do you mind
leaving the premises?

I'd be very happy to.

I'll send Trixie down
for my pay, buttercup.

Well, my little
darling lover-girl...

It won't work, Ralph.

What won't work, my little lamb?

The flattery routine,
my little pumpkin.

You found out housework's
a lot harder than you thought,

didn't you, Ralph?

You want me to quit
my job and come back.

I want you to quit your job?

Are you kidding?

It's the furthest
thing from my mind.

Good, because I have
no intention of quitting.

Alice, you gotta quit
and you gotta come back.

Do you admit that housework

is harder than you
thought, Ralph?

Harder even than your job?

Yeah.

All right. Then I'll come back.

Thank you, sweetheart.

But I want you to
understand, Ralph,

no yelling and
screaming if I forget to do

one little thing that
you tell me to do.

I promise you, I'll never
complain again, sweetheart.

Never.

Come in.

I, uh... I forgot
part of my uniform.

Oh, for a while there,

I thought you'd come
back for your job.

I got a job.

Ho! She has a job.

Come on, Thelma. Dinnertime.