01x08 - Pal o' Mine

[bunniefuu]

Hi, Alice.

Oh, hi, Trix.

Punch'll be ready
for you in a minute.

Oh, I could k*ll that Ed.

Imagine giving me one
day's notice to throw a party.

And what a party!

The whole crew from
the sewer... All 20 of them.

I don't get it.

What was the big rush
about the party, anyway?

Well, that's Ed for you.

When he heard that Jim McKeever

was made foreman of the g*ng,

he wanted to be sure
he'd be the first one

to give him a party.

Well, don't worry
about it, Trix.

Everything'll
turn out all right.

If it does, it'll be a miracle.

And what ideas Ed
had for this party.

Alice, you won't believe this,

but Ed was gonna tell all
the guys from the sewer

to come formal.

Formal?

White tie and black boots.

Hmm, well, your
punch is all finished.

Now, is there anything
else I can do for you, Trix?

Gee, I guess that's everything.

Oh, Alice, I just
want to tell you,

that I feel awful
about having a party

and not inviting you
and Ralph to come.

Now, Trixie, don't give
it a second thought.

After all, it's just for the
guys that Ed works with.

We just don't belong.

I understand perfectly,
and I know Ralph will.

Oh, Alice, you're a real friend.

Hey, I better get upstairs.

Hey, there, Alice.

Oh, hiya, Ed.

Ed, what've you been doing?

Why aren't you
dressed for the party?

Why aren't I
dressed for the party?

If you just happened to
be a little more observant,

you'd note that I got
on a brand new T-shirt.

40 percent Dacron.

Hey, Alice, we're a
chair short upstairs.

You mind if I borrow one?

Oh, no, help yourself, Ed.

Good. Ooh, hey, I almost forgot.

I want you to look at this here.

What do you think
of that ring, huh?

Hey, that's a very
handsome ring.

Who's it for?

Jim McKeever.

He's the guy that gave
me my start in the sewers.

My, uh, first push, so to speak.

We recently
appointed him foreman,

so I thought it'd be nice to
give him a little something.

Ed was all for buying
him a pair of suspenders,

but I thought a ring

would be more
suitable for the occasion.

Well, I happen to
know that Jim McKeever

has a weakness
for red suspenders.

Oh, well, Ed, I
think Trixie's right.

A man would rather have
a ring than suspenders.

Not if his pants are
always falling down.

Hey, look at the inside.

I got it printed.

Let's see.

"To a great pal,
from Ed Norton."

That's very nice, Ed.

I thought maybe you'd have

a little fancy wrapping
paper to wrap it up for me.

Why didn't you have the store

where you bought
it gift wrap it?

Oh, they got some
silly rule down there.

Absolutely no gift wrapping
on any purchase less than $3.

Oh, okay, I'll
wrap it for you, Ed.

Okay. Ooh, hey,
I'm all a-tither tonight.

I can't remember nothing.

I took the boards and
put them in the table...

The extra boards.

We ain't got no tablecloth
big enough to cover it.

Gee, I never thought of that.

Alice, have you got
a tablecloth that'll fit?

Gee, I don't think
I have anything

that'll cover a table that big.

But, uh, let's see, what
have I got in the house

that's large enough to
cover that big table of yours?

How about a pair of
Ralph's white shorts?

Never mind, Alice.

I'm sure I can find something.

Come on, Ed, you take the chair.

I think I can manage this.

Okay. Easy does it, now.

Can you manage it all right?

Yeah. Bye.

Oh, hiya, Ralph.

Hi.

What's the matter,
honey, you tired?

I am dead.

Working double-time
fractures me.

You couldn't get me
out of this house tonight

if you told me that Jane Russell

was running a party upstairs,

and she couldn't get
started until I arrived.

In five minutes, I'm
going into that room

and hit the sack for
the rest of my life.

You want something to eat?

Nah, I had a pizza
pie around 5:00.

What're you looking for?

I'm trying to find
some wrapping paper.

"To a great pal,
from Ed Norton."

Gee.

"To a great pal."

Alice,

I've never been so deeply
touched in all my life.

Hmm?

When I think of that Norton,

thinking about me continuously,

day after day,
night after night.

Does something
to me, right here.

Gives me a lump in my throat.

Alice, I'm telling you

that the man that lives upstairs

is one of the finest
people on this Earth.

Ralph, what are
you talking about?

You know what I'm talking about.

I want to thank you
for not mentioning it.

Certainly is a
beautiful surprise.

I got another beautiful
surprise for you, Ralph.

Yeah, what?

That ring is not for you.

What do you mean,
it's not for me?

It says in there,

"To my great pal,
from Ed Norton."

Well, who's Norton's
great pal? Me.

That's right, you sure are.

But Norton bought that
ring for Jim McKeever.

For Jim McKeever?

What does he want to buy a ring

for Jim McKeever for?

Because Jim McKeever
was just made foreman,

so Norton bought him a present.

Uh-huh.

Now I get it.

Well, I've met some
schemers in my day.

That bum.

Giving the foreman a ring

so he can take advantage of him.

Just like he's taken
advantage of me

all these years!

Alice, I'm telling you,

that that man
that lives upstairs

is one of the lowest
creatures on this Earth!

Ralph, will you just
stop acting ridiculous,

and give me the
ring so I can wrap it.

Don't wor... you're not
gonna wrap anything for him.

If he wants somebody
to do work for him,

let him get some other
poor soul to do it for him.

I'll give you the ring,
and you give it to him,

and tell him I never
want to see him again.

Oh, no, now you'll
never get it off.

You had to put the whammy on it!

For your information,

I got it on, and
I'll get it off.

And without your help.

Well, don't stand there!

Figure some way out to help me!

Now, what's that for?

I'll put some butter
on your finger

and then slip the ring off.

Butter on my finger,
at 89 cents a pound?

Will you stop throwing
my money around?

Is there any lard here?

Yeah, about 300 pounds.

Oh, you gonna get yours.

Ralph, will you use the butter?

I don't need any butter.

You want to loosen something,

you put a little warm
water on it, that's all.

A little warm water
will loosen anything.

I suppose...

Put some butter on it.

I knew you'd trick me
into using that butter!

That's right, Ralph.

I planned the whole thing.

Yeah, well, you
outsmarted yourself,

because now it's
on tighter than ever,

and I'll never get it off.

You got to get
the ring off, Ralph.

Norton has to give
it to Jim McKeever

at the party tonight.

I don't care what
party he has...

What party are
you talking about?

The party that Norton is
giving for Jim McKeever.

Oh, yeah? Well,
I'm telling you now,

we're not going.

I wouldn't care if he came
down here and begged us

on his hands and knees to go,
I'm going nowhere near there.

Of course we're
not going, Ralph.

We weren't invited.

What do you mean,
we weren't invited?

Ralph, the party is just

for the people
that he works with.

And furthermore, when
you came in here tonight,

you told me you were so tired,

you were gonna go right
in there and go to bed.

I've had a good rest
since I come in here.

I feel fine.

I remember your
exact words, Ralph.

You said, "If Jane
Russell was giving a party,

I wouldn't go!"

That's right, I said
that about Jane Russell.

I said nothing about
going to a party

that Norton's running.

I thought you never
wanted to see him again.

And I don't, I don't...

I never want to see him again.

If I could just
get this ring off...

Well, why don't you
go inside, Ralph?

You got to get it off.

Try some soap and
a little cool water...

Maybe that'll do it.

Hey, Alice,

all the fellas are giving Jim
McKeever the presents now.

Is my ring wrapped?

Yeah, wrapped
around Ralph's finger.

He saw it, thought it
was for him, and put it on.

You mean he put that
little ring on his finger?

That's like King Farouk

trying to get into Gary
Cooper's bathing suit.

Well, he managed
to get it on somehow.

Now he can't get it off.

Sheesh!

Well, he's tried everything, Ed.

Sorry, I guess you'll just
have to tell Mr. McKeever

that as soon as
Ralph gets the ring off,

you'll give it to him.

What am I gonna do?

All the guys giving him
their presents and everything.

I had my speech rehearsed,
and everything, and...

Well, the only thing I can do

is go up and get McKeever
and bring him down here.

At least, that's the only
way he'll get to see it.

I-I should've bought
him suspenders, boy.

Get the ring off, Ralph?

No, I didn't get it off.

You and your soap and water.

Not only didn't
I get the ring off,

but I have the
cleanest pinky in town.

Ralph, Ed was just down here,
and I told him what happened.

So, he's gonna bring
Mr. McKeever down here

to look at the ring.

Norton is not setting
foot in this house.

Ralph, I don't care what
foolish reasons you have

to be angry at Norton,

but you got to admit one thing.

Getting that ring
stuck on your finger

was your own fault.

This ring is a
trick of Norton's.

Nobody could get this off.

Including Houdini.

Now, listen, Ralph,

you're gonna let
McKeever look at that ring,

and you're not going
to lose your temper.

Now, remember,
he's Norton's boss.

Uh, excuse me, folks.

Pardon the intrusion.

This'll only take a minute.

Uh, fellow sewer workers,

we are gathered here tonight,

to do honor to a great man.

A man recently
appointed foreman.

Jim McKeever.

Affectionately known to
his fellow sewer workers

as "Old Muck and Mire."

A man who started at the bottom,

and today, only 20 years later,

has worked his way
up into the street.

Jim and me have
worked side by side

in the sewer together.

We've gone through
thick and thin together.

It's my pleasure to present,

as a token of my humble
esteem and appreciation,

this ring.

All right!

Get out!

Get out! Go!

"Old Muck and Mire!"

Well, I guess
that's all the stuff

you lent us last night, Alice.

Yeah, that's everything, Ed.

Oh, hey, uh, about this chair,

it's a little shaky, Alice.

I think one of the guys

sat down on it too
hard, or something.

I'll bring some glue
home tomorrow and fix it.

Oh, don't worry about it, Ed.

I'm just glad that everything
turned out so well last night.

Oh, boy, it was wonderful.

Oh, hey, uh, Jim McKeever

was telling his wife
about the ring, you know?

Boy, she'd love to see it,

and I was just wondering
if it would be okay

if they dropped by
Sunday afternoon,

and Ralph showed them the ring?

I don't think it'd be
such a good idea, Ed.

You know how Ralph felt

about showing
the ring last night.

Well, I mean, she
wants to see it,

and Jim said that
he'd show it to her.

After all, it is his
ring, and everything.

Listen, Ed, Ralph is just
as anxious as you are

to get that ring off.

And as soon as he
does, you'll get it.

Well, okay, Alice.

Tell Ralph I'll
pick him up later.

You expect to see Ralph tonight?

Well, certainly.

Tonight's the night
we go bowling together.

Oh.

So long.

Bye.

Oh, hiya, Ralph.

Did you get the ring off?

No, I did not get the ring off.

Well, Ed was just
down here, Ralph,

and he expects to go
bowling with you tonight.

He had the gall
to come down here

and expect to go
bowling with me?

I'm not good enough
to invite to his parties,

but I'm good enough
to go bowling with him?

Well, he can start looking
for another doormat, Alice.

I'm through with him.

If I do any bowling from now on,

it'll be with my good
friend, Teddy Oberman.

Teddy Oberman? Yes.

He's a good friend of mine.

Who's Teddy Oberman?

He happens to
be a very fine man.

A guy with a lot of class.

At least when you have
a conversation with him,

he talks about something

other than the New York sewers.

Meets a lot of
interesting people,

gets around.

Real classy guy.

Well, what does he do, Ralph?

Washes cars.

Well, they got one
thing in common.

They both work with water.

Yeah, but Teddy uses it
before it gets to Norton.

Look, Ralph.

As long as you're
going to go bowling,

I think I'll take in
an early movie.

I'll go in and change.

How 'bout that
guy having the gall

to want me to go
bowling with him? Ha.

Hi, Ralph.

Hey, uh, did you
get the ring off?

No, I did not get the ring off.

Well, okay, never mind.

You ready to go bowling?

Yeah, I'm ready to go bowling,

but I'm not going
bowling with you.

This is the night we
always go bowling together.

That's right.

This is the night

that we used to always
go bowling together.

But tonight, I am not
going bowling with you,

I am going bowling with
my friend, Teddy Oberman.

We are gonna bowl alone.

Who am I gonna bowl with?

You can bowl with, quote,

"your great pal," Jim McKeever.

But I don't want Jim
McKeever; I want you.

I'm very sorry.

We have already reserved
the alley for Teddy and I.

What alley are you using?

Alley number three.

That's our alley.

You'll be playing our
alley with somebody else.

You might as well get
this into your head, Norton.

I'm not bowling
with you anymore,

I'm not playing pool
with you anymore,

I'm not playing punch
bowl with you anymore,

I'm not doing nothing
with you anymore.

We are done, through,
completed, over, finished.

Ed, I'm so glad
you're still here.

You just had a phone call.

There is an emergency in
the sewer on Himrod Street.

They called you 'cause it's
right in our neighborhood here,

but I told them that I didn't
think I could catch you,

so you don't have to call back
if you still want to go bowling.

Good girl.

Well, it, uh, depends
on Ralph here.

Oh.

What do you say, Ralph?

I told you, I am bowling

with my friend Teddy Oberman.

Trixie, tell 'em I'm
on my way over.

Okay.

Oh, Trix, I'm so
glad you're here.

I'm gonna catch the early movie.

You want to come along?

Hey, that'd be swell.

But I just have to run upstairs
and make a phone call,

and then I'll meet you

in front of the building
in a couple minutes.

Okay.

Ooh, I better put this
up in the bedroom closet

before something happens to it.

Ralph, honey, bring a
chair for me to stand on,

would you, please?

Alice, come out here.

Look at this!

Oh, Ed told me about that.

He's gonna fix it tomorrow.

He's gonna fix it?

He's not gonna fix anything.

He'll buy us a new one,
and exactly the same kind!

He's not gonna ruin a
beautiful set like this!

I don't know why I
put up with that man.

Tells jokes and
laughs at his own jokes.

Comes in here day and night,
eats us out of house and home.

Hasn't even got the
manners to take his hat off

when he's in another
person's place.

Well, I'll put this away.

Oh, hiya, Teddy.

Hiya, Ralph.

Gee, I'm glad you
come over early.

I hope I'm not
interrupting your supper.

Oh, no, no, I been
working double-time,

so I been eating out.

Yeah, I had to work
kind of late myself tonight.

All I had time for
was a quick bite.

Oh.

Hey, Ralph, you
wouldn't happen to have

a little something
around the house

to hold me over until
after bowling, would you?

What, are you hungry?

I'll fix you something, Ted.

Ralph, I don't want
you to go to any trouble.

You stay right where you are.

I'll look myself.

Oh, hiya, Norton.

That is not Norton!

It's my friend, Teddy Oberman.

Teddy, I want you to
meet my wife, Alice.

Pleased to meet you.

How do you do?

You know, for a minute there,

with your head in the ice box,

I could've sworn that you
were a former friend of Ralph's.

Uh, he's a little hungry,

so I told him he
could have a snack.

If there's anything you
want way in the back there,

I'll be glad to get it for you.

No, thanks.

The stuff from up
front will be enough.

All right.

Well, I guess I better be going.

Trixie's waiting
downstairs for me.

Nice to have met
you, Mr. Oberman.

Nice to have met you, too.

Here, these may come in handy.

Well... Nice work, Ralph.

Good cook. Yeah.

Hey, Ralph.

Who we bowling with tonight?

Oh, I arranged a game

between a couple of
guys down the alley and us.

We ain't playing with
that dopey-looking guy

that's always hanging
around with you?

Oh, you mean Norton?

No, I gave him the brush.

I might've known.

I never could figure
a clam like him

and you being friends.

Well, we were never
friends, you know.

It's just that our
wives were close,

and to keep peace
in the family, I...

well, I'd see him now and then.

Just 'cause I saw
him now and then,

he thought I was
a big friend of his.

Nothing.

I wouldn't care if he
was in Africa now,

as far as I'm concerned.

Yup.

He always looked like
some kind of nut to me.

He's a nut... Come in.

Ralph, have you
seen Mrs. Norton?

Yeah, she just went
with Alice to the movies.

What's the matter?

I got bad news, Ralph.

There was an expl*si*n in
the sewer on Himrod Street.

Norton was hurt.

Norton was hurt?

Yeah. Yeah, he's in room
317 at the Bushwick Hospital.

He was hurt?

Yes, he was.

It's my fault.

If I had gone bowling with
him, he'd never got hurt.

If anything's happened to
that guy that's real serious,

I'll never forgive myself.

I got to get my hat
and go over there.

Hey, wait a minute.

You just got through telling me

you and him ain't friends.

What I say about
Norton is one thing.

How I feel about him
is another. Look out.

Well, Mr. Norton,
you're a very lucky man.

If you had been anywhere
else in that sewer,

it might've been a
very different story.

Well, I guess you're right, Doc.

I hope I didn't cause you
a lot of inconvenience.

I was telling the guy
in the ambulance,

"There's nothing wrong
with me; I'm not hurt."

The only thing that
happened to me

was a manhole cover
landed on my head.

I mean, th-th-that's
happened hundreds of times.

In the sewer, that's
an occupational hazard.

Well, we had to bring
you in and make a check.

In fact, if we weren't
short for bed space,

we'd keep you here overnight.

Well, I appreciate
that very much, Doctor,

but I'd better be
getting home now.

How do I get out of here?

Well, the elevator's
right there,

but first you have to check
out at the receiving desk

down the end of the corridor.

Oh, I see. R/X.

Doctor Hyman, is
317 available now?

Oh, yes, Dr. Seifer.

Well, good, I can put my
emergency case in there.

I'm just going to give
him a transfusion.

Right. Good night, Doctor.

See you tomorrow, Doctor.

Uh, bring him in here, please.

Nurse, I'm prescribing
a transfusion

for the patient in 317.

And, oh, yes, uh, no visitors.

I'm going to give
him a sedative now.

Yes, Doctor.

Nurse, Nurse, where's 317?

My buddy's in there.

I'm sorry, sir,

but doctor's orders
are no visitors.

No visitors?

Dr. Seifer's in there.

He's getting the best of care.

It's that serious, huh?

Look...

I want to know,
just how bad is it?

Is it real bad?

Is this Dr. Seifer any good?

He's the best we have.

He's getting the best of care.

Look, I want him to have
the best of everything.

I want him to have
nurses around the clock.

Specialists, surgeons...
Anything at all.

Just charge it to me.

Doctor's just given
him a sedative,

and now he's going
to have a transfusion.

Let me give him the transfusion.

Let me give him the transfusion.

Is this him?

Doc, that's my buddy in there.

Let me give him the transfusion.

All right, if you're type
"A," we'll be glad to use you.

Thanks, pal, thanks.

Nurse, tell Dr. McDonald,

that if this man is type "A,"
we'll use him immediately.

Yes, Doctor.

Right this way, sir.

Thanks, pal, thank you.

It's all right. Thanks a lot.

Just a minute; you
can't go in there.

Oh, Doc, I was a patient
in there a little while ago.

I left something in
there; I'd like to go get it.

Oh, I see. Well,
you just wait here.

The floor nurse
will be right back.

Speak to her about it.

Oh, okay.

Ed! Ed, you're all right!

Oh, thank heaven!

Of course I'm all right.

I lead a clean life, I
eat all my spinach...

Nothing's gonna happen to me.

Oh, Ed, the terrible
things I pictured.

Well, my heart's been in
my mouth ever since I heard.

I-I-I can't stop shakin'!

Honey, I'm sorry I
caused you a lot of worry,

but you know, it's very
reassuring to know,

that my little girl
has got a soft spot

for her little boy.

All right, you lovebirds,

I think we all could
do with a cup of coffee.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Look, I'll meet you down
at the coffee shop later.

I left something in my room.

I gotta wait for the
nurse to go get it for me.

Honest, Ed, seeing
you safe and sound,

why, it's just like
finding a million dollars.

Well, as long as
my wife's an heiress,

she can pay for the coffee.

I'll see you down there.

Oh, uh, Nurse.

I don't want to be any trouble,

but I left my watch in the
table alongside the bed.

Could you get it for me?

Yes, I'd be glad to. Thank you.

Hi, Ralph.

What are you doing here?

I was just about to go home.

What're you doing here?

What am I doing here?

I'm here to give you
a transfusion in there!

You were gonna
give me a transfusion.

You thought I was hurt.

Only a guy's greatest
pal would do that for him.

I'm telling you,

y-y-you're one of
nature's noblemen!

Ralph, I-I'll never forget this

as long as I live.

Mr. Kramden, patient's ready.

Will you come in now, please?

Okay.

Uh, see you later, Norton.

Pal. Okay, Ralph.

Hey, uh, Doc, while
you got him in there,

will you see what
you can do about

getting that ring
off his finger?

Will you stop?