01x10 - Hello, Mom

[bunniefuu]

Hi, Alice.

Oh, hello, Ralph.

It's creamed chipped beef.

Creamed chipped beef again?

Yeah, but I fixed it
a new way, Ralph.

I got the recipe out
of a movie magazine.

It's Ricardo Cortez's favorite.

Well, when Ricardo gets
here tonight, I hope he enjoys it.

What are you doing
with all that material?

Making a bedspread?

No, I'm letting your
pants out again.

Don't you think you let
'em out a little too much?

I haven't started yet.

I, uh, I gotta go in
and get dressed.

Norton and I got a
Racoon Lodge meeting.

Okay.

Ralph.

Yeah?

Will you come here a minute?

What do you want?

I can't thread this needle.

Will you try it?

I'm in a hurry, Alice.

Must I do everything
around this house?

You sure there's a hole in this?

Ralph, try wetting
the end of the thread.

I'll thank you for
no suggestions.

I'll do this myself.

Well, I wet it,
Mrs. Wisenheimer,

and there's no difference.

Well, give it
to me, I'll try it.

Just leave me alone.

I started this
and I'll finish it.

Just when I get it all warmed
up, you want to take the credit.

Look, Ralph... Shh, hold it.

Don't breathe, Alice.

Don't say a word.

I got it.

I got it...!

What's going on? Ah!

What's the matter
with you, Norton?

What? What, what, what?

I'm trying to thread a needle.

Oh, is that all?
Here, give it to me.

Ha.

Come on, with the thing!

There you are.

Quicker than a cat can
wink its eye, Billy boy!

Yeah, yeah.

I can see Ralph is in his
usual good, gay spirits.

Yeah.

Hey, Ralph? What?

What do you want?

You forgot to give me the
friendly Racoon greeting.

Who-hooo!

Now I can see why all
the world loves a fat man.

Hey, Alice, mind if I do the
puzzle in your paper here?

No, no, no. Go right ahead.

Ah, let me see here, then.

Four-letter word for
"place of dwelling."

Ah, house.

"H-O-S-E."

That's the trouble
with these things, Alice.

They don't present a challenge.

You know, they're too easy.

Yeah, real easy. Easy, E-S-Y.

Boy, you must be a
whiz at these things, huh?

Just a minute.

Come in.

Telegram for Ralph Kramden.

Telegram?

Sign here, please.

Just a minute.

Thank you. There you are.

Ralph?

Yeah, what do you want?

A telegram just came.

Telegram? What does it say?

Well, I don't know, I
haven't opened it yet.

I hope it's not bad news, Ralph.

You know how telegrams are.

It might mean sickness
in the family or something.

Hey, Ralph, what's an
eight-letter word for "incognito"?

Do you think it means sickness?

Sickness? "S-I-C-K...

"N-E-S-S," yeah, that's it.

What are we getting
all worried about?

It's probably nothing.

I'll read it.

"My dear children,

"Father's going to be
away for a few days,

"so I'm coming
for a short visit.

Will arrive Wednesday.
Love, Mother."

Oh. And you
thought it was trouble.

You always start the
trouble, all the time.

Your mother?

Alice, your mother isn't
stepping one foot in this house!

Not one foot, or we'll
never get rid of her.

Listen, Ralph, she says she's
just coming for a short visit.

Short visit? Ha!

Short visits?

You know what
her short visits are!

Like the last one, she
came for a short visit.

Just for the holidays,
Christmas and New Year's.

The only trouble is she came New
Year's and stayed till Christmas!

Now, look, she's
not coming here,

because when she comes
here, I know what she does.

She starts right in...

Right in with the
wise cracks, Alice.

"Poor Alice, hasn't got
a washing machine."

"Poor Alice, hasn't
got an electric stove."

"Poor Alice, hasn't
got a vacuum cleaner."

You call your mother
and tell her she can't come.

I can't. Poor Alice
hasn't got a phone, either.

I say something?

Ralph, three-letter
word for "insect."

Bug!

Your mother is not
coming in this house, Alice!

You listen to me, Ralph,

my mother is coming, and
you are going to be nice to her.

I'm gonna be nice to her?

I'm gonna be nice to
her? That's impossible!

We don't get along!

We're enemies. Natural enemies.

Like a boa constrictor
and a mongoose.

She hates me, Alice.

Mother doesn't hate you, Ralph.

It's just your imagination.

My imagination?

My imagination?

I suppose it was my imagination
the day we got married?

And she went
around the reception

telling that joke about
me to everybody.

I suppose that
was my imagination.

What joke? You know what joke.

You remember the joke.

I don't remember...
Oh, yes, you do.

She ran around to
everybody and said,

"I'm not losing a
daughter, I'm gaining a ton."

Think it's funny, huh, Alice?

Real funny, huh?
Sure, it's funny.

You love it when she insults me.

I'm sorry, Ralph.
No, you're not sorry.

You just adore it when she
insults me in front of you.

You listen to me, Ralph...
You can stand on your head,

my mother is still coming.

Oh, yeah?

Ralph, that three-letter
word for "bug" ain't right.

It has to end in a "T."

Put down "gnat," N-A-T. Look...

Ed, "gnat" is
spelled with a "G."

"Gnat" is spelled
N-A-T. Put it down.

Alice, I got to go
along with Ralph.

I got a guy that works
with me in the sewer,

he don't spell it with
a "G." Nat Burnbaum.

There you are, Nat Burnbaum
does not spell it with a "G."

Put it down, N-A-T.

Ed, the word you're
looking for is "ant," A-N-T.

A! A! A-N-T,
that's right, that's it.

Put down "nat."

But ant... Put down "nat"!

Ay.

Now, to get back to you.

Your mother is not coming here.

I'm sick and tired
of her coming here

and putting on that same record,

"Oh, if my daughter
had only married

one of those other fellows
instead of marrying you."

"If she'd only married Jack Townsend,
she would have had fur coats."

"If she'd married Fred Bailey, she'd
have a big home on Long Island."

Well, let me tell you something.

I had some chances, too,
you know, before I married you.

Don't laugh, Alice.

There were plenty of girls
crazy about me, and you know it.

Every time I went down to the
beach, they used to crowd around me.

Sure. Sure they
crowded around you.

That didn't mean they
were crazy about you.

They just wanted
to sit in the shade.

Shut up!

Now, look, get
this into your head:

your mother is
not coming in here.

Hey, Ralph, I'm stuck again.

Three-letter word...

Will you leave me alone?

Three-letter word for "exit."

Out! That's it, that's good.

Not that! Get out!

Out!

You forgot the friendly
Racoon good-bye.

Get outta here!

Have to be snaggled
with that maniac.

Listen, Ralph, you can
scream all you want to,

but I want you to
get one thing straight.

My mother is coming here,

and my mother is always
welcome in my house.

Your house?

Yo-o-o-o-ur... h-o-o-o-use?

This is my house, Alice.

M-Y house, my house.

My house.

Oh, I am sorry, Ralph.

I forgot, it is your house.

You really have been
very big-hearted, Ralph,

sharing it with me.

Letting me live here with
you in the lap of luxury like this.

Don't think that I don't
appreciate it, Ralph, 'cause I do.

After all, where else would I
get a beautiful home like this?

This place, Ralph,
you know what it is?

It's a regular Disneyland.

Look, Ralph.

Look at this wonderful view
that we have from the window.

Look, see.

Old man Grogan's long
underwear hanging on the line.

Garbage cans in the alley.

Back of a Chinese restaurant.

That's all part of my
Disneyland, too, you know, Ralph.

That's mine... That
is my Fantasy Land.

Now, Ralph, over
here, this sink.

See?

Every time I go
near that sink, Ralph,

I never know what's
gonna happen.

You know what the sink is?

That's my Adventure Land.

That stove and that ice box.

That's Frontier Land.

There is only one thing, Ralph,

that's missing from my
Disneyland, only one thing.

The world of tomorrow.

I have nothing from
the world of tomorrow.

You want the world
of tomorrow, Alice?

Want the world of tomorrow?

I'll give you the
world of tomorrow.

You're going to the moon!

Har-har-har-de-har-har.

Ho-ho!

Ha-ho!

He, de...

Okay, Alice.

You've made your decision.

You made it.

You made it clear to me

your mother is more
important than me.

Okay, you're welcome
to your mother.

But you can't have her
and me at the same time.

So when I come home from
the Racoon Lodge tonight,

I'm moving in with Norton.

And I am staying there until
your mother leaves this house.

Good-bye!

Ow!

Bye, Cassidy. So long!

Whoo! Whoo!

Bye!

Whoo!

Well, Ralphie boy, that was
a good meeting, wasn't it?

Yeah, that was all right.

Oh, hey, you know, that was a
very good suggestion you made there

when the president asked
if anybody had any ideas

for the Racoons to promote
international goodwill.

That was a beaut, boy.

Well, thought it
was pretty good?

Well, what's better? You
said that after the meeting,

instead of serving
chocolate cake,

serve pizza. I
mean, that does it.

Well, it's a step in the
right direction, I'll say that.

I think so.

Well, I'll get the cot out,
if you're going to sleep.

We gotta get up early.

All right, pal.

Ah, here she is.

All right, I'll help
you open that.

Hey, hey, hey! What
is going on out...?

Ralph, what are
you doing up here?

Oh, uh, Ralph's gonna
spend a couple of days with us.

I had a little
argument with Alice.

Her mother-in-law's coming.

That is, my mother-in-law.

Ralph, do you mean to tell me

that you left Alice because
her mother's coming?

Oh, that's ridiculous.

I've met Alice's mother,
she's a sweet old lady.

Look, Trix, if you don't
want me to stay here,

I can go to a hotel
and get a room,

but I will not stay under the
same roof with that woman.

Oh, look, Ralph, I'm not
gonna force you to go to a hotel,

but I still think you're wrong.

Well, if you're
gonna sleep here,

you're gonna have to have
some bedding and a pillow.

Get 'em out of
the closet in there.

Here, I'll get 'em.

Ed, let Ralph get them.

What? Let Ralph get them.

Oh.

Ed, I want to talk to you.

Look, we got to get Ralph to
go back downstairs with Alice.

You got to convince
him that his place

is with his wife no
matter what... But Trix...

Ed, if you let Ralph
sleep here tonight,

you'll be helping to
break up their marriage.

But, Trixie, you...

Ed, your duty is to get
him back with his wife.

Well, all right, all right,
I guess you're right.

Yes.

This ain't exactly
gonna get me in good

with the boys down
there, you know.

They're not in favor
of happy marriages.

It spoils attendance.

Ralph, don't you think
your place is with your wife?

What?

I mean, can you give
me one good reason

why you don't go
back with Alice?

Yes, my mother-in-law's coming.

Trixie, I got to admit, he's
got a good reason there.

I mean, why don't you
go downstairs with Alice?

Why should I?

You want to get rid of me?

No, no, it ain't that, Ralph.

But, a man's place
is with his wife.

Your place is with Alice.

A man's place is
with his wife, huh?

Well, then why isn't Alice's
mother home with Alice's father?

Look, your mother-in-law
coming ain't gonna be

the worst thing in the
world happening, you know.

No? Well, name one thing
that could possibly be worse

than my mother-in-law coming.

My mother-in-law coming.

Boy, compared to her coming,

the invasion of locusts
was a boon to mankind.

Don't start, Norton.

Don't try to compare your
mother-in-law with my mother-in-law,

'cause you gotta
lose. It's no match.

Yeah? Well you
got to be careful.

In Ring magazine, my mother-in-
law's number two contender

for the Marciano title.

I tell you, she looks at
Strike It Rich for laughs.

Boy, if she ever got on
that $64,000 Question,

her category would be "Nasty."

Yeah, well if she ever
got to the last question,

she'd have to bring my
mother-in-law along as an expert.

Let me tell you something,
mine's got her b*at.

Got her b*at a mile.

I can't even afford to
feed her! Boy, can she eat.

When she comes to dinner,

she clears that
table like a hurdler.

And is she fat?

From the front she looks
like you from the back.

I tell you, they're just
not a couple of living dolls.

I'll admit that, but we got to get
along with them and that's all...

When Trixie's mother comes
to visit, I don't leave her.

If anybody's got a
reason to leave, I do.

Maybe you're right, Norton.

If you can get along
with your mother-in-law,

I guess I can get
along with mine.

I'm going back down.

That's the spirit, Ralph,
go back to your wife.

Okay, pal.

Oh, Trix, I'm going
back down with Alice.

Oh, Ralph, Ralph,
that's wonderful.

And believe me, you're
doing the right thing.

Why, I just think
it's wonderful.

You know, Ed gets along
with my mother so beautifully,

if you just try to get
along with Alice's mother,

it'd just be wonderful.

He thinks my mother is the
greatest thing that ever happened.

The sun rises and sets
on her, according to Ed.

So, if you wanted to
get rid of me, Norton,

all you had to do was say
so. You didn't have to lie!

Ralph, I wasn't lying to you.

Believe me, I wasn't lying.

What do you mean
you weren't lying?

She says you're
crazy about her mother,

and you said she's the
meanest woman on earth.

What? You said what?

No, Trix, I didn't say
that. I didn't say that.

Oh, then you were lying,
you did want to get rid of me.

No, I wasn't lying.

Well, what do you mean by saying

that she's the most
impossible woman around?

I didn't. Did I?

Then you meant it?

No, I didn't mean it.

Then you were lying? No.

Ed Norton, just what do
you think of my mother?

I think her mother is the
meanest, most miserable,

sweetest little old
lady that ever lived.

Ed Norton, I wouldn't stay another
minute in this house with you.

I'm going downstairs and
spend the night with Alice.

Well, let's get to bed, Ralph.

We've got to get
up in the morning.

I wouldn't stay in the
same room with you.

You sleep out here,
I'll go in the bedroom.

Uh, Ralph?

Yes?

Ain't you even gonna

give me a friendly
Racoon good-bye?

Whooo!

I wouldn't "ooh-ooh" you,
for anything in the world.

Never again will
I "ooh-ooh" you.

You are a traitor
and a turncoat.

A disgrace to that uniform
and the Racoon Lodge.

I should "ooh-ooh" you?

Norton?

Yeah?

Ooh-ooh.

Brother Racoon!

Alice, you want anything
from the store besides the milk?

Oh, yeah, you might as well
get a pound of margarine, too.

Oh, okay, Alice.

Well, go ahead.

All right, what are
you doing down here?

I come down to
get my bus uniform.

Do you mind?

Is, uh, Miss Charm here yet?

If you are referring
to my mother, no.

I might've known.

There's still some food
left around the house.

I certainly hope that you
are satisfied, Ralph Kramden.

I hope you're very
pleased with yourself.

Now that you have
the Nortons fighting, too.

I have the Nortons fighting?

I should be satisfied?

This wasn't my fault, Alice.

This wasn't my fault.

Your mother started this whole
thing by coming here for a visit.

She's the culprit.

Do you realize, Ralph,

what an embarrassing
position you're putting me in?

What am I supposed to say
when my mother comes here

and you're not here?

What do I care what you say?

Tell her I ran off
and joined the circus.

What as? An elephant?

Oh, you're a riot, Alice.

You are a regular riot!

Ha, ha, ha!

Oh, you must have everybody
in the building laughing!

Ha, ha, ho!

You certainly are funny, Alice.

You ought to be in the circus.

You ought to be in the circus.

You'd be funnier than that guy they
got there, Emmet Kelly, the clown.

Much funnier than him.

As a matter of fact,
you look a little like him.

Except for one thing,
the big red nose.

And you might get
that before this is over.

That's my mother now, Ralph.

I'm getting out of here.

Ralph Kramden,
don't you dare leave.

Come in.

Sonny!

Hello, Alice.

Hello, mother Kramden.

Mama!

Mom!

What are you doing here, Mom?

Well, what are you
so upset about, Sonny?

I sent you a telegram.

Oh.

I thought it was Alice's
mother that sent the telegram.

Oh, I didn't realize.

I hope I didn't
cause any trouble.

Trouble? Oh, don't be silly.

How could you cause any
trouble, Mother Kramden?

You must be tired
now from your long trip.

You wanna go inside and change?

I'll take you in the bedroom.

Oh, thank you, Alice.

You're so considerate.

You know, Sonny, you're
lucky to have a wife like Alice.

I'm sorry, Alice.

Did it again, I guess.

Boy, I don't know why
you put up with me.

Always got to put my foot...

Here I am yelling and screaming

because I think your
mother's coming.

And my mother shows up

and treated just as nice
as if nothing happened.

I don't know what to say,

what to do, or anything else.

Sorry.

Ralph, last night
I found a letter

that was written
by a pretty big man

on the subject
of mother-in-laws.

I wish you'd read it.

Out loud.

"Dear Mom,

"I just thought I'd
write and tell you this.

"A mother-in-law is
the most criticized,

"the most misunderstood,

"and the most
defenseless of all women.

"The average woman
must be clever enough

"to know when to speak,

"but a mother-in-law must
know when to keep silent."

"She must be very wise.

"Wise enough, sometimes,
to withhold advice,

"although she knows
the answer to the problem.

"A mother-in-law
must sit on a fence

"between her own child,
and a child by marriage.

"And somehow, she
must keep her balance.

"She must lean backwards
until her spine aches.

"Or else she's
accused of being partial

"and she isn't
permitted the luxury

"of hurt feelings or tears.

"If a person could
put themselves

"in their mother-in-law's place,

"weigh her in the balance,

"be completely fair,

"they'd nominate her for the
presidency of the United States.

And she'd be the first
woman to make it."

That's pretty
good. Who wrote it?

You did.

To my mother, Ralph.

15 years ago when we
were on our honeymoon.

I'm going out for
a little air, Alice.

So long, sweetheart.