Did you find a ball, Ralph?
No, I can't find it in there.
Well, a ball just
can't disappear.
Well, it disappeared,
so let's forget about it.
I'll play you another
game some other time.
Oh no, you won't.
I got you 19 to 2.
All I need is two more points
and I won a dime from you.
We lost the ball and there
aren't any more balls left.
I don't know how we could
lose three balls in one game.
It always happens
when I play with you.
Doesn't make any difference.
We're gonna start
the meeting anyway.
All right, will you just give
me the dime? I got you b*at.
What do you mean, give
you a dime, you got me b*at?
19 points don't win this game.
21 points win the game.
I just let you get ahead
to make it
interesting, that's all.
If we had another ball,
I would have
started my "A" game.
Then I would have
beaten you, 21 to 19.
But you don't hear me
asking you for a dime.
That's something you
gotta learn, Norton.
You gotta learn...
that it isn't always
important to win.
Just play the game for
the sake of the game.
Win or lose, be a good sport.
Yeah.
All right, all right.
Forget about the
dime. Forget about...
Give me a match.
Oh, sure, pal.
How in the world could
they have gotten in there?
I'll give you three guesses,
the first two don't count.
Shut up and serve!
Now this time if the
ball goes off the table,
let me look for it, will you?
Don't give me any
instructions. Just serve.
Will you come on and serve!
You play your
game, I'll play mine!
Will you please serve the ball?
That's 20. That's 20.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
That was an illegal serve.
I can serve any way I want
as long as the ball bounces
on my side of the net and
it bounces on your side.
That serve doesn't
count. I wasn't ready.
I don't care. When
the serve was served,
the receiver's got to
be ready at all time.
Come on, point... Come on,
point game here coming up.
You ready?
I'm ready.
Ready? I think I'll wind
up the proceedings here
with Norton's famous
mystery atomic cannonball.
Oh!
Put 'em up, Norton! Put 'em up.
Just put 'em up!
Wait, wait, we're playing for
the game's sake, you know.
Win or lose, you
gotta be a good sport.
Never mind about
that sport stuff.
Just put 'em up!
Well, Norton, b*at
him again, huh?
b*at me again, huh?
Not if he played fair!
I could b*at him
with both hands tied.
Yeah, if they were my
hands that were tied.
Oh, you're a riot.
Come now, no hard feelings.
Remember we are Racoons,
and all raccoons are
brothers under the pelt.
Now, forget your differences,
and let's have the
Racoon handshake.
Come on, the Racoon handshake!
Aah...
All right, boys,
let's get this table
out of here now, come on.
Let's get the meeting
started, hurry up!
That's it.
Boy, oh, boy, I'm telling you.
You ever hear of a guy losing
three Ping-Pong
balls in his pocket?
You shouldn't play
Ping-Pong with him.
You're too good.
You're right, I shouldn't.
I'll just stick to
playing Ping-Pong
during my lunch hour
down in the sewer.
You play Ping-Pong in the sewer?
Yeah. It's the only
game we can play
with a ball that can float!
All right, fellas, come on.
Let's get our places
here now, huh?
Get this meeting started here.
All right, gentlemen...
I now call this meeting of
the Racoon Lodge to order.
Gentlemen, the
traditional Racoon salute.
Now, for the first
order of business,
we'll hear a report
from Brother Kramden,
who last month
volunteered to take charge
of the drive for new members.
Brother Kramden? Thank you.
Uh, Mr. President...
members of the Racoon Lodge,
as you know, this month
we were to have a drive
to reach a quota
of 50 new members.
However, because of the fact
that we have not
reached the quota,
I suggest that we continue
the drive for another week.
Well, uh, how many
more applicants
do we need to fill our
quota of 50 new members?
Fifty.
We-we have no new members?
This-this is very disappointing!
Mr. President...
Yes, Brother Norton?
As much as I hate
to pay a compliment
to the fat chairman
of the drive...
I think that we all owe
him a vote of thanks
for the vast improvement
made over last
year's member drive.
But he didn't bring
in one new member!
I know, but last year we
lost three of the old members.
Oh, yes, well, I, uh, I guess
I owe you an apology,
Brother Kramden.
Apology is accepted.
Unfortunately, though,
I, uh, I don't think
that extending the drive
another week is the answer.
There must be some reason
we're not getting new members.
I suggest we look
at all the possibilities.
Ah, first of all, what
are the requirements
that a new member
must go through
before he can be
entered into the lodge?
Oh, well, let's, uh, let's see.
That's section two of
our rules and bylaws.
Here, Brother
Kramden, you read that.
All right.
All applicants applying
for membership
in the Royal Order of Racoons
must meet with the
following requirements:
Number one,
applicant must have earned
a public school diploma.
Two, he must have
resided in the United States
for the last six months.
Three, he must pay a
dollar and a half initiation fee.
Excuse me.
There's your
trouble right there.
The requirements are too tough.
They're not too tough.
You belong to the
lodge, don't you?
Oh, now, here, come on.
Order, order, Brothers!
Brother Norton, I don't think
that's the cause of our trouble.
Excuse me, Mr. President.
I hate to disagree
with the president,
but take that
requirement number two.
Well, it says that you gotta be
a resident of the United States
for at least six months before
you can apply for membership.
Well, what about it?
What about it?
On account of that silly rule,
Anthony Eden could
never become a Racoon!
Anthony?
Mr. President...
Brother Kramden...
Brother Norton is a nut!
I have the floor,
you're out of order.
The only thing out of
order here is your head.
Brothers, Brothers, this
is getting us no place.
Let's face the facts.
There must be plenty of
eligible... uh, comp, uh... uh...
Applicants.
Applicants. I'm sorry,
so I couldn't think of the word.
And it's all your own fault
for not bringing them in.
Well, I'll bet there
isn't a man in this room
that couldn't bring in two or
three of his fellow workers with him.
How about you, Norton?
Well, Mr. President,
I guess you're right.
I haven't been trying
hard enough to get
some of the fellas that work
with me down in the sewer.
I should have
come up with a few.
Yeah.
And, uh...
I ain't got no
excuse and I'm sorry.
All right, sir. And
you, Andrews?
Well, there are plenty
of guys at the brewery.
There's no reason I
couldn't bring in one or two.
I ain't got no excuse.
And you, Driven?
Driven's the only one
with a legitimate excuse.
He's an undertaker.
Just a little levity
to break the tension.
All right, we'll just...
we'll just have to
do better next time.
Now, for the second
order of business,
it gives me great pleasure
to remind you brothers
that next Sunday is the day
of the Racoon Lodge's
annual fishing trip.
And I'd like to report
also that like last year,
Brother Muldoon
will bring the beer
and Brother Havameyer
will supply the knotwurst.
Now, in the past years,
we've always tried
to make our fishing trips
better than the year before.
However, this year,
there's been a consensus
that we should leave
our wives at home.
However, we must
take a vote on that.
Now, all those in favor
of not bringing their wives,
raise their hand.
Now, all those in favor
of bringing their wives,
raise their hand.
What's the matter with you?
Why are you voting twice?
I want to make sure
that Trixie ain't goin'.
But what's that
got to do with it?
Well, when she finds
out she ain't goin',
I want to be able say
I voted for her goin'.
You see... Will you sit down!
The motion is
passed unanimously.
The wives stay at home.
Yes, Brother Kramden?
Mr. President and
members, as you know,
for the last seven years
we have unanimously voted
to keep the women
off of the fishing trip.
I make a motion now
that we vote to tell
'em about it this year.
Well, who seconds that motion?
Well, isn't anybody
gonna second it?
Huh! Sure.
Sure. Just as I figured.
You all vote that the women
are not coming
on the fishing trip.
Big men!
But what does it mean? Nothin'!
Because when it's
time to face your wife,
you all back down
and give in, that's why!
It's time to ask
yourself a question.
Are the Racoons mice or men?
Ah, wait a minute, Kramden!
How come your wife is
always on the fishing trip?
Because I let her
come, that's why.
Because I let her
come, that's why!
And do you know
why I let her come?
I didn't want to show
you guys up, that's why!
Now, look.
I'm gonna say
something to you men,
and you'd better listen to
it because it's important.
Every time you get into
the habit of saying
yes to your wife,
you're getting into the habit of
saying no to your independence.
It's time to make
a decision, men.
Are you going to retreat
into the darkness of sl*very?
Or are you going to advance?
Advance into the
sunshine of freedom?
I say, advance!
This is our last chance.
If we let these women
take over our fishing trip,
we are through. All is lost!
Remember, today
it's the fishing trip,
tomorrow it'll be the pool room!
He's right! I second
Kramden's vote.
We're with you, Ralph!
We'll show 'em who's boss!
Oh, gentlemen,
this is a great night
in the history of the Racoons.
Say, how about a poker game
as a declaration of
our independence?
The beer and the
pretzels are on me.
Thank you very much,
Mr. President. Thank you, men.
Boy, Ralphie, I
gotta hand it to you.
You're a rotten
Ping-Pong player,
but you make a
good speech maker.
If you were 90 pounds lighter,
the boys would have carried
you out on their shoulders.
Come on, let's play
a little poker, pal.
No, you go ahead.
I don't want to play.
But you like poker.
I know, but Alice told me to
be sure and be home at 10:30.
Look, Alice, you might as
well get this into your head.
A fishing trip is just
like a Turkish bath.
It's for men only.
I catch the fish...
you cook the fish.
The only time we're together
is when we eat the fish.
So, it's final, it's settled
and it's over and done with.
You are not going
on the fishing trip.
Hi, Ralph. Hi, Alice.
I'm sorry I was late, honey.
I had some shopping to do.
But I'll have your supper
ready for you in a minute.
Uh, Alice... Yes?
I want to tell you something.
Well?
I'll tell you later.
Okay.
I'll be right out. I got
a surprise for you.
Say there, Ralphie boy.
Oh hi, Norton.
Mind if I put this
in your icebox
till I get upstairs?
It's perishable.
Oh, help yourself.
It ain't that I'm hungry,
I just had to make a
little room for my parcel.
Yeah, sure, sure.
How'd you make out
about the car, Ralph?
Oh, I got the car. Freddie
Miller said I could have it.
As a matter of fact, he's
leaving it in front of the house
on his way home tonight.
And by the way, the trip
isn't going to cost us a cent.
I told some of the members
I'd give 'em a lift down to the pier
if they'd chip in for the gas.
So, they will be downstairs
and meet us in
front of the house
at 6:00 tomorrow morning.
What's the matter with you?
I, uh... I got a confession
to make, Ralph.
I know it's going to be a
big disappointment to you,
but I gotta tell you.
I realize the fishing
trip is tomorrow,
but I just haven't gotten
around to telling Trixie
that she's not goin' fishin'.
I almost started to tell
her just a little while ago.
She was standing too
close to the pots and pans.
I just haven't got the
courage you got, I guess.
Listen, I been doin' the
most stupid things, Ralph.
You know, when she's
not home, I'm standin' there,
making speeches
at her, telling her,
"Trix, you're not goin'
fishin', you know."
Ain't that stupid?
Then she comes home...
nothin'. I chicken out.
Will you do me one
big favor, please?
Tell me, word for word,
how did you tell Alice
that she is not goin' fishin'?
Just tell me.
Well, I said to her...
I didn't tell her either yet.
You didn't tell her!
You didn't tell...
Our leader! You were the guy
makin' the big speech
about being free.
Oh, boy. To think
at this moment,
our fellow members
of the Racoon Lodge
are mimeographin'
copies of your speech
to hang up in every pool
room in Bensonhurst!
For shame!
Well, do you know
why I didn't tell her?
Do you know why?
Do you know why
I didn't tell her?
Well, I'll tell you
why I didn't tell her.
Why should I tell you
why I didn't tell her?
I'll tell you why
you didn't tell her.
You're scared of Alice.
Ha-ha-ha!
Hardy-har-har!
That'll be the day when I'm
scared to tell Alice anything.
I'll eat your hat.
Well, then, why
didn't you tell her?
I didn't tell her because...
Well, I don't even know
if she wants to
go on a fishing trip.
Why should I start
a fight over nothing?
She's given me no indication
that she thinks wants
to go on a fishing trip.
How do you like it?
I got a hunch she's
thinkin' of goin' fishin'.
It was a great bargain, Ralph.
I got it all on sale.
Nice boots. Nice and light.
Good for summer
wear in the sewer.
Ralph, you haven't
said anything yet.
Go ahead, say something, Ralph.
Alice, I gotta tell
you something.
Yeah?
That's a mighty fine
outfit you got there.
So glad you like it.
I'll go change, and then
I'll get your supper
ready for you.
Don't get smart,
don't get smart!
I'll tell her when I'm ready.
You better tell her, because if
she comes tomorrow with you,
you are going to be
the laughingstock.
Don't worry about
me. Just you make sure
that you tell Trixie
that she's not goin'.
All right, all
right, I'll tell her.
And listen, Brother Kramden,
next time you're ready
to make a speech,
will you do me a favor? Shut up.
Hey, wait a minute!
Alice! Come out here.
Now look, Alice...
I'm gonna tell you something.
I've made up my mind about it,
so there's no sense in
trying to change my mind.
Let's not do any hollering,
screaming or yelling.
You are not going
on the fishing trip.
I am going.
You're not going.
I am going!
You're not going!
I am going!
The only place you're
going is to the moon!
You get this, Ralph,
and get it straight.
When you're on that
fishing trip tomorrow,
I'm gonna be there, too.
You can't go!
All the guys voted unanimously
that we can't take
the wives with us!
None of the wives are goin'!
None of the wives are going?
Well, for your
information, Trixie's going.
Oh, is that so, Mrs.
Weisenheimer?
Well, for your
information, she's not goin',
'cause Norton's on his way
up to tell her she can't go.
Didn't I tell you
Trixie's going?
I don't care if she's
goin', you're not goin'!
Now you listen to me, Ralph.
I am going on that fishing trip.
I gave up going to beauty
parlor for three months
to buy that fishing equipment.
Yeah? Well, that
fishing equipment
will not do you one bit of good.
What do you know about
fishing in the first place?
When did you ever
catch anything?
15 years ago.
I caught 300 pounds of blubber.
Oh, would I like to...
You're not goin'!
I am, Ralph, and at
6:00 tomorrow morning,
I shall be ready.
Well... Me, too.
Yeah, Trixie, too.
She says she's
gonna be ready at 6:00
in the morning to go fishing.
So's Trixie.
Hey, wait a minute. What?
Wait a minute!
All right, so they're gonna
be up at 6:00 to go fishin'.
Suppose we sneak out at 4:00?
Ralph, you're a genius!
You gotta get up a little early
to put anything over on me.
'Bout half past three.
Now, look... Hey, wait a minute.
What about the guys that
are gonna meet us at 6:00?
Very simple. We'll call
them up on the phone
and tell them to meet us
in front of the house at 4:00.
You make the calls and
use an outside phone.
Yeah. All right. Now, remember,
when you're coming
down tomorrow morning,
be careful not to wake
up Trixie or we're dead.
Don't you worry about a thing.
Hey, wait a minute. What?
Don't you want that package
you put in my icebox?
Ooh. Thanks.
I'm glad you reminded
me about this.
Boy, we'd be in pretty
bad shape tomorrow
if I didn't bring this.
What is it?
Worms.
You put worms in my icebox!
Get out! Get out!
Worms in my icebox!
Great idea of yours to go...
at 4:00 in the morning.
Well, let's get in the car
where we can sit down.
Know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna take a little snooze.
There'll be no snoozin', Norton.
Norton, I said don't snooze!
I just had my eyes closed.
Don't tell me you
had your eyes closed.
I just heard you snore!
That was the horn.
The horn?
We better get out of here
before we wake the girls up.
What'd I do with the key?
What about the guys?
Huh? The guys.
The guys? Makes no difference.
We'll drive around the block.
They gotta come up that street.
Oh.
You know what? What?
The girls are really
gonna be in for some shock
when they find out that
we left without them.
They're gonna be mighty
mad when we get home tonight.
Ho, ho!
Ah, we can handle them.
Give 'em a little of
that old sweet talk.
They always go for that malarkey
about "Oh, how we missed
you when we were gone."
Well, we're off.
It won't turn over.
Maybe it's cold.
Maybe it's a dead battery?
I'll go out and have a look.
Why don't you
try the choke first?
I forgot about
that. Thanks, Alice.
Whoa!
Ralph...
I ain't got the courage
to look back there.
Is Mrs. Norton back there?
Right behind you.
Gee.
This is one of the sneakiest
tricks I've ever heard of.
When it comes to sneaky
tricks, don't you talk!
How did you ever expect
to get away with this?
We would have if you weren't
picking up some other Racoons.
We would've been
all the way to the pier
before you knew
we were in the car.
Is that so? Well,
you're not goin'!
Well, you're not goin' either.
You can't start the car!
Oh, I can't, huh?
I haven't driven a bus
for 15 years for nothin'.
I'll get the car started.
Don't worry about that.
All right, get over
there and start the car
when I tell you it's okay.
Oh... All right, start the car.
All right, all right. I
know what's wrong now.
Oh, yeah.
All right, start the car.
Give me a hairpin, Trixie.
Oh, sure.
Ha-ha-ha. Hardy-har-har.
All right, Ed, step
on the starter now.
Well, let's get back
in the car, Ralph.
You're not gettin' in the
car, 'cause you're not goin'!
Is that your final word, Ralph?
That's my final
word, you're not goin'!
All right.
You think that stops me?
If you can do it, I
can do it. Look out.
Don't be too sure, Ralph.
I ain't got no hairpins.
Trixie, give me another hairpin.
Sure. Thank you.
Oh, a head start, eh?
Yeah.
All right, start the motor.
What did you do in there?
Are you gonna take us?
I can't take you.
I told you, it was
a unanimous vote!
No wives are going on the trip.
Look, they talked me
into it. Didn't they, Norton?
No comment.
There you are, see?
Honest, I can't take you.
I don't want to make
a fool out of myself.
Can't you understand what
this fishing trip
means to us, Ralph?
Don't you realize Trixie
and I went and bought outfits?
And why? 'Cause we had
some kind of a crazy idea
that you might like
to take us along.
I'd love to take you...
Never mind, Ralph.
Never mind.
There you are.
Now you can go... alone.
Come on, Trixie.
Okay.
I hope you have a very
pleasant day, Ralph.
Yeah, enjoy yourself.
Well... Well, I guess
we got away with it.
You can say that.
It took a little
doin', but we did it.
Next time we say somethin',
they'll know that we mean it.
You can say that again.
Well, we're off to fish.
What's wrong?
You know what's wrong.
Alice!
Hey, Trixie!
Come on down, Alice!
You can come with us.
Hurry up, will ya?
01x12 - Something Fishy
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One of the most beloved sitcoms in TV history that follows the lives of New York City bus driver Ralph, his wife Alice, Ralph's best friend Ed and Ed's wife Trixie as they get involved with various schemes.
One of the most beloved sitcoms in TV history that follows the lives of New York City bus driver Ralph, his wife Alice, Ralph's best friend Ed and Ed's wife Trixie as they get involved with various schemes.