01x13 - Twas the Night Before Christmas

[bunniefuu]

Hi, Alice.

Oh, Trix!

You scared me.

I thought it was Ralph.

I've been looking
for a safe hiding place

for his Christmas present.

Oh. Well, did you find out?

Find out what?

What Ralph's giving you.

Oh, no. It's only Christmas Eve.

We always exchange
our gifts, you know,

on Christmas morning. Oh.

Would you like to
know what Ed gave me?

Don't tell me he's given
you your gift already.

Oh, he couldn't
wait to give it to me.

Well, what did he give you?

You ready? Uh-huh.

An orange juice squeezer.

An orange juice squeezer?

Oh, this isn't an ordinary
orange juice squeezer,

this is a statue of Napoleon.

Napoleon?

Yeah. You see, you squeeze
the orange on Napoleon's head

and the juice squirts
out of his ears.

Well, Trixie, you gotta
admit it's different.

Oh, it's different all
right, it's downright crazy.

Hey, Alice, have
you got any oranges?

I haven't got a one and
Ed's dying for me to try it out.

Oh, yeah, I think
so, Alice. Let's see.

Yeah, let's see, will
these be enough, Trix?

Oh, that'll be wonderful.
Oh, three, swell.

Gee, thanks a lot!

I'll see you later. Okay.

Bye. Bye-bye.

Oh, Ralph!

Ah!

You caught me hiding
your Christmas gift.

Ralph, I hid your
present under there!

You got yours under there, too?

Yes!

There's a riot.

The two of us hiding
our Christmas gifts,

like we're a couple
kids, and we couldn't wait

to see them until
tomorrow. Uh-huh.

What are you giving me?

You'll have to wait 'til
tomorrow morning to find out.

'Kay, I can wait. No hurry.

All right, Ralph.

Looks like I'll have to hide
your present someplace else.

What do you mean hide
it? You don't have to hide it!

I'm no baby, I can wait
'til tomorrow to see it.

Well, all right.

Look, Ralph, I got to go
up to Trixie's for a minute.

So, while I'm gone, why don't
you go inside and wash up?

All right.

Well, I guess Mommy
will just have to hide

your present someplace else.

Looks like I can't
trust you, Ralph.

You can't trust me? Huh!

That's a fine thing
for you to say.

You can't trust me.

You're the one
that can't be trusted.

You said you
were going upstairs.

Look, Ralph, will you hurry
up and finish trimming the tree?

People might start
dropping in later.

Alice!

Alice!

What do you want, Trix?

You got a couple of onions?

Yeah. I'll bring 'em right up.

What's she think this
is, a grocery store?

Well, that proves
it, that settles it.

You had to hide your
gift, and I didn't hide mine.

That proves just one thing,

I can trust you but you
think that you can't trust me.

Oh, I can trust you, Ralph.

Hmm. Then why did you hide it?

All right, to prove how
much I trust you, Ralph,

I'll tell you where
I put the present.

It's in the bedroom closet
on the shelf behind my hatbox.

I don't care where it is.

Doesn't make any
difference to me.

Ah!

Ah!

All right, Wisenheimer.

Two can play at that game.

Hey, good to see
you, Ralphie boy.

And, uh, Merry Christmas
Eve to you, Ed Norton!

Ah, I can see you're trimming
up the old tree there, Ralphie boy.

Yeah, it's gonna be a beauty.

Sure is.

What do you got
behind your back?

I got a Christmas
present for you.

Oh, well, hand it over.

Huh? I say, hand it over.

Ain't you got nothing for me?

Yes, I've got something for you.

What?

One, two, three...
Merry Christmas.

Well, I suppose we both
gave us the same thing, a tie.

I didn't get you no necktie.

You didn't? What's in here?

I bought you a pair of spats.

Spats? What did
you get me spats for?

Well, let's face it, Ralph,
you're not the easiest guy

in the world to
shop for, you know.

It-it-it's pretty tough to
get a guy something that...

Well, a guy that's
got everything.

Well, merry Christmas, Ralph.

Merry Christmas, Norton.

Anyway, I know it
came from your heart.

No, it didn't, it came
from the fat man shop.

Never mind.

Hey, uh... What?

What did Alice give you?

Oh, we don't exchange
our gifts until tomorrow.

Oh, no? Yeah. Some kind of

a fetish she's got.

Oh, yeah.

But wait 'til you
see what I got her.

Yeah?

When she sees this, she flips.

Absolutely flips.

What'd you get her?

It's under the icebox.

Mind if I take a look?

Be my guest.

I can't wait 'til she sees this.

Ooooh... ooh!

Well, that is beautiful,
Ralph. I mean it.

You know something else?

You know, it was a smart idea

of you to put that
underneath there,

because in case accidentally

if she goes in
there and finds it,

she'll just think it's a
pan for under the icebox.

It's novel, too, you know.

I mean, she's not gonna
get another present

from anyone like
this. She couldn't.

No one would have a
need for two of those.

No.

No.

Hi, Ed.

What you got behind your back?

Oh, nothing, Alice.

Oh, come on, Ed, I know you
got something behind your back.

I got nothing at all. Honest.

Ed, I know you're hiding
something behind your back.

Well, jig's up, Ralph.

Merry Christmas, Alice.

What's this?

Well... it's your
Christmas present.

Not from me, it's from Ralph.

Oh, why don't you shut up.

Pay no attention
to him, he's a nut.

That's always been under there.

That isn't the gift!

I put her gift way in the back.

Oh. Here, I'll show you.

Oh, that's a beauty!

Oh, stop it!

That isn't the
gift, this is gift.

Oh. I'm, I'm sorry, Ralph.

Oh, I-I see now, You hid
the present under there,

and you put... the mousetrap
was a clever ruse of yours

in case some dope
is stupid enough

to stick his hand in there.

Wait 'til you see this thing.

Mm.

I can't wait 'til she sees it.

You mean...

There it is. Oh!

That is beautiful.

Certainly is.

What is it?

What is it? It's a box
to keep hairpins in.

See? It's got a little secret
compartment for bobby pins.

Boy, what'll they
think of next, huh?

You know, when
I bought this thing,

the guy told me it's all
handmade, you know.

It's 2, 000 matches
glued together.

Oh.

Look at that thing.

And he said it was
made across the seas.

You know, I thought
he was kidding me,

but right there, it
says "Made in Japan."

There it is, in black and white.

I'm telling you,
this-this is something

that a girl would not go
out and buy for herself.

You can say that again.
And another thing about this,

the guy told me that this is

the only one of
these in the world.

That at one time,
this was in the house

of the emperor of Japan.

It was smuggled
into this country.

No kidding.

I'm telling you.

I just can't wait to
see the expression

on her face when she gets this.

I'd like to see the expression

on the emperor of Japan's face

when he finds out it's missing!

Hey. What?

If you're so anxious
to give her the gift,

why don't you do it
now? Exchange the gifts!

Trixie and I have
done it already.

Yeah, but she likes to give
the gifts tomorrow, you know.

Tomorrow may be too late!

The emperor's probably
got a bunch of spies

on the trail of this
thing right now!

Maybe you're right.

I'm dying to see the
look on her kisser

when she sees this. Go ahead!

Alice, honey!

Oh, come in. Yeah.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Stevens.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Stevens,
Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. I tell
you why I dropped by.

I'm leaving now for Bayonne

to spend Christmas
with my sister,

Uh-huh. And I have a
little something for you

for Christmas that I
wanted to give you.

Oh, you shouldn't have!

Oh, it's nothing, I just
wanted to remember you.

Well, I have
something for you, too.

Oh.

Well, Thanks.

Everybody's giving something.

Well, what do you say, if
we won't see each other

again 'til after Christmas,
we open them now?

All right.

Oh, it's lovely, Mrs. Kramden.
A kitchen thermometer!

Just what I needed!

I'm so glad you like it.

Oh, this is beautiful!

Oh... Oh, it's nothing.

It's nothing,
it's just a trifle.

I just wanted to give
you a little remembrance.

Isn't it beautiful, Ralph?

It... I-it's a box to
keep hairpins in.

And there's a secret... secret
drawer to keep bobby pins in.

Oh. And would you believe it?

It's made of 2,000
matches glued together.

Oh, I don't know
how to thank you.

Oh, belie... It's such a
cute gift to give someone.

Oh, believe me, it's nothing.

If you want to
get some as gifts,

I got it at that little novelty
store that's selling that.

You know, the one
near the subway station.

Oh, yeah.

Well, it was awfully sweet
of you to remember me.

Oh, don't make
such a fuss about it.

In fact, I'm kind of embarrassed
after what I gave you.

Well... Well, I must
be running along.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Bye-bye, Mrs. Stevens,
merry Christmas.

Bye.

Gee, that's a cute little thing.

Merry Christmas.

Will you stop that?

What's the matter
with you, anyway?

Sheesh. What a grouch.

Compared to you, Scrooge
was a holiday playboy.

What have I got to
be happy about? Huh.

Suppose I'm supposed to
be happy to think that my...

my wife thinks her husband
thinks so much of her

that he gives her a gift that some
neighbor brings in from a novelty store?

Well, don't forget
that yours is different.

Yours came from
the emperor's palace.

Can't you get it into
your head, Norton?

I was cheated!

Never came from
any emperor's palace.

What am I gonna do, Norton?

If I only had some money,

there's still time to
get her something.

It's early yet.

Hey, have you got any money?

Don't look at me.

This is Christmastime.

Everybody's busted at this time.

I'm broke, I ain't got no money.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Everybody's broke.

Funny part about it is, I
didn't have to be broke.

I had $22 stashed away, Norton.

Twenty-two!

But I had to be selfish
and think of myself.

As soon as I got
that $22 together,

right down I went and I
bought the new bowling ball.

Huh.

I always have
to think of myself.

Could've bought Alice a
beautiful present with that $22.

Hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

I just thought of something.

You know those labels that
say, "Do not open 'til Christmas"?

Yeah?

We get some labels, see?
Put on Alice's present...

"Do not open 'til
after Christmas." See?

Come on, let's get the label.

Wait a minute,
what good'll that do?

Tomorrow is Christmas.

She don't open it tomorrow, see?

Because you don't give
it to her, you sleep all day.

Then she's got to
wait a whole year

before she can
open it up again, see?

And in the meantime, you
can get her another present!

You're a real riot, Norton!

A regular riot.

Come in.

Hey, Uncle Leo.

Merry Christmas, Ralph!

Merry Christmas, Uncle Leo.

You know Ed Norton.

Hi, Ed.

Happy Yuletide!

Same to you,
Mr. Norton. Same to you.

Hey, it's good to see you,
and I'm glad you came.

We got a present for you.

Well, well.

There you are, pal.

Thank you, Ralph. Thank you.

By the way, where is Alice?

Oh, she went out. She's
doing a little shopping.

Oh, well, I got a
little something here

for you and Alice
for Christmas, too.

Oh, thank you very
much, Uncle Leo.

Hey, why don't you
have some coffee?

She'll be back in a minute.

No, no, no. Thank
you just the same.

I got some more stops to make.

Tell her I stopped by.

Well, merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, pal.

Happy Yuletide.

Nice guy, that
Uncle Leo, ain't he?

He's a sweetheart.

Yeah.

Norton, look at this. What?

A $25 gift certificate for
Wallace's Department Store.

25... Oh-hoo-hoo!

This is the answer
to all my problems.

You and Alice can really
get a beautiful present, huh?

What do you mean, me
and Alice? This'll do it.

I get a gift for
Alice with this.

Hey, wait a minute.
Ju-Just hold the phone.

Just wait a minute.

If you use this gift certificate

to get Alice a present,

isn't she gonna get
just a little suspicious

that Uncle Leo didn't
give her nothing this year?

You don't understand.

When Tuesday comes
and I go back to work,

I borrow the $25 from
one of the bus drivers.

Then I buy another
gift certificate,

I hand it to her.

I say it slipped my mind
when Uncle Leo gave it to me.

Now, look, I haven't
got much time,

I got to get right down to it.

Okay. Listen, while
you're going down there,

I'll finish trimming
up the tree.

Take it easy, Ralph.

Boy, I want to tell you...

Where are you going, Ralph?

Oh, I'm just stepping
out for a little air.

Oh.

You know who I met
downstairs, Ralph?

Yeah, I know who
you met downstairs.

Oh, he was up here?

Yeah, he was here.

He left us this.

Merry Christmas, he
said. $25 gift certificate.

$25 gift certificate
from Tommy Mullens?

Tommy Mullens? I thought you
were talking about Uncle Leo.

Oh, was Uncle Leo here? No.

Yeah, he was here.

No, I was talking
about Tommy Mullens.

He's home from
the Navy on leave,

and I thought maybe he'd
run up here to see you.

No.

Boy, wasn't that
sweet of Uncle Leo?

Listen, Ralph, I picked up this
celery for Trixie down at Krause's,

and I got to run up
there for a minute,

but I'll be right back.

All right.

I thought you were going out.

No, it's too cold out.

I'll be right down.

365 days in the year

and that Mullens has to
come home from the Navy!

Tough luck, Ralphie boy.

Well, I got nobody
to blame but myself.

It's my own fault, I take
$22 that I'm saving up

and throw it away
on a bowling ball.

I could've got her a
beautiful gift with that.

Wait a minute, that's it!

That's it. What
are you gonna do?

Very simple. I'm gonna
take the bowling ball,

hock it, get the money
and buy her a gift.

I ought to get $10,
$15 for this thing.

Boy, oh, boy, you got a knack

for getting yourself
out of trouble.

Just remember, Norton,

when there's an
emergency, I come out of it.

When they made me,
they threw away the mold.

They had to... you
probably broke it!

Hmm...

Ralph?

Yeah?

Hurry up, 'cause your
breakfast's all ready.

Be out in a minute.

'Kay.

Oh, I want to tell
you something.

Your mother certainly
has taste in pajamas.

Ain't they beautiful?

They are. Mother
showed them to me.

I knew you'd like them, Ralph.

Yeah? Come on, honey, sit down.

Look, Alice, before we eat,
can't we exchange the gifts now?

Ralph, the eggs'll get cold.

So what? It's Christmas.

All right, sweetie, I'll
go get your present.

All right, I'll get mine.

Merry Christmas, Ralph.

Merry Christmas.

You open yours first.

Bowling bag ball!

I mean, a bowling ball bag!

Just what I wanted, sweetheart.

Oh, I'm so glad.

I know how crazy you are
about that bowling ball, Ralph.

So I thought you ought
to have a bag to carry it in.

Thank you very much.
Go ahead, open it up.

Oh, sweetie, why
don't we get the ball

and make sure
that it fits in there?

I don't have to do that.
They're all the same size.

They all fit in there.

Oh, come on, I just
want to make sure it fits.

I can't put the ball in the bag.

You said it was the
right size. Why not?

I hocked it.

It's a long story.

See, Alice... I stashed
away $22, see?

And... well, you know I
used to walk past that store

and see the bowling ball
in the window all the time.

Well, I... spent the
$22 for the bowling ball.

But I had enough dough
to get you a nice gift.

And I got you a nice gift,

except that it was the same
gift that that lady got you.

Except the fella didn't tell her

that hers came from the
emperor of Japan's house.

The 2,000 sticks that
were glued together.

You see, I had the same thing
to give you that she gave you.

And she was saying
it was, you know,

a little thing you got at the
novelty store and everything.

So I began to feel
ashamed of myself.

So I took the bowling ball
down and I hocked it and...

and that's when
I bought you that.

Wait 'til you see
it! Open it up!

Oh, Ralph, it's beautiful!

You like it, sweetie?

Oh, I love it. It's the best
present I've ever gotten!

Thank you. And
it's practical, too.

You see, you squeeze the
oranges on Napoleon's head,

and the juice comes
out of his ears.

You know something, sweetheart?

Christmas is...

Well, it's about the best
time of the whole year.

You walk down the streets, even
for weeks before Christmas comes,

and there's lights hanging
up, green ones and red ones.

Sometimes there's snow,

and everybody's
hustling someplace.

But they don't hustle
around Christmastime

like they usually do.

You know, they're
a little more friendly.

They bump into you,
they laugh and they say,

"Pardon me," and
"Merry Christmas" and...

Especially when it gets
real close to Christmas night.

Everybody's walking home,
you can hardly hear a sound.

Bells are ringing, kids are
singing, snow is coming down.

And boy, what a pleasure it is

to think that you got
someplace to go to.

And the place that you're
going to has somebody in it

that... that you really love.

Someone you're nuts about.

Merry Christmas.

Wait a minute.

Hold up.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, we
usually don't step out of character...

but tonight I think it proper
that Mr. And Mrs. Kramden

and Mr. And Mrs. Norton

wish everybody a
merry Christmas.

Would you come
in there, Nortons?

There they are.