01x18 - The $99,000 Answer

[bunniefuu]

( fanfare plays )

MALE ANNOUNCER:
And now back to Herb Norris

and The $99,000 Answer!

( applause )

The show
that gives away $99,000!

( applause )

Well, Mr. Parker,

you've successfully gone
over the $24,750 hurdle.

And now it's time for you
to make up your mind,

whether you're
willing to go

for the $49,500
question.

I am, Mr. Norris.

You mean you want
to go ahead?

Yes.

( applause )

Good. I wish you
luck, Mr. Parker.

Now, remember,

if you complete
the $49,500 answer,

you're entitled to
come back next week,

and decide if
you want to go

for the really
big money,

the $99,000 answer.

Are you ready, sir?

I am ready, Mr. Norris.

Very well.

Now, this question for
your $49,500 answer,

was prepared by
an expert

in the field of
banking and finance,

Professor
Walter Newman.

Your question has
to do with something

you see and
handle every day--

a dollar bill.

Now, disregarding
the serial number,

tell me how many times
the figure "one" appears

on a dollar bill,

either in numeral
form or spelled out.

You have
ten seconds

to give the
$49,500 answer.

( metronome ticking )

Time's up, Mr. Parker.

What is your answer?

The answer is 25.

That's correct for
the first part.

Now, tell me how
many times the
word "one" appears,

and how many
times the numeral
"1" appears.

Well, the word "one"
appears 16 times,

and the numeral,
nine times.

You're absolutely
right for $49,500!

( theme music plays )

( applause )

Mr. Parker, you
have just won
yourself 49,500

of those
dollar bills,

and now you
know you'll have
the opportunity

to come back
and visit with
us next week

and decide whether
you want to go

for the $99,000,
all right?

That's fine.

Congratulations, sir,
and good night.

Good night.

Good night, sir.

( fanfare playing, applause )

And now, who is our next guest,
please?

ANNOUNCER:
Herb, here's our next guest!

From Brooklyn, New York,
Mr. Ralph Kramden!

( applause )

How do you do,
Mr. Kramden?

Now, there's
nothing for you to
be nervous about.

Just relax. We're
all your friends.

And I'm trying
to help you.

Just relax and
take it easy.

It's really
a pleasure

shaking hands with
you, Mr. Kramden.

That's fine. Thank
you very much.

Now, tell me,
sir, what do you
do for a living?

( stammers )

I brive a dus.

You "brive a dus"?

I dus a brive.

"Dus a brive."

Oh, I see-- you're
a bus driver.

Yeah.
Is that it?

( mutters )

Well, now, there's
nothing for you

to be nervous
about, Mr. Kramden.

Just relax and
take it easy,

and you'll get
along a lot better.

Now, tell me, sir,
are you married?

Yes.

You're married.

And what is your
wife's name?

Mrs. Kramden.

Well, that's
fine. Now...

her first name,
I meant.

Her. Who?

Oh, her!
Oh, yeah.

Uh, Alice.

Alice Kramden.
Uh-huh.

Now, I believe
the announcer said

you are from
Brooklyn.

Have you lived
in Brooklyn all
your life, sir?

( silence )

( mutters ):
Uh... uh...

My, uh, mother,
uh, uh, father, uh...

They were...
they were there.

I guess.

Well, thank you very
much, Mr. Kramden.

You know, I have
a great deal

of respect for
bus drivers.

It's always amazed
me how you fellows

who have this tremendous
responsibility,

and the-the tremendous
number of people

that you have
to deal with,

and the big machine,

how you manage to
remain so courteous

and kind, and
considerate
all the time.

Yes, sir.

Well, of course,
there are exceptions.

For example,

the other day, I
was standing on
Madison Avenue

in the rain,
waiting for a bus,

and as this
bus driver
bore down on me,

I signaled for
him to stop.

And you know,
instead of stopping,

he went right by,
went through a puddle,

and splashed mud
all over me.

Was that you?

Mr. Kramden, I
sure hope you win
some money tonight,

because I've got a
cleaning bill for you.

And you know,
now it's time

for you to select
a category,

and I want you
to be very careful

in selecting
this category,

because all the
questions you'll
be asked come

from this
one category.

So take your
time, and make
up your mind

what your
selection's
going to be.

( stammers )

Uh, popular songs.

Popular songs.
Very good, sir. Now...

ANNOUNCER:
I'm sorry to interrupt, Herb,
but our time is up!

Oh, I'm sorry,
Mr. Kramden.

We seem to have
run out of time,

but we'd like you to
come back next week,

and try for the first
hurdle on the way

to The $99,000 Answer.

Can you be
with us?
Yes, sir.

Thank you very
much, Mr. Kramden,

and good night, sir.

Thank you.
( tentative applause )

Oh, no, no,
Mr. Kramden.
No, no.

This way.

Good night,
Mr. Kramden.
Good night.

( applause )

Good night, ladies
and gentlemen, good night.

( fanfare plays )

Trixie!

I'm home!

Alice.

Oh, Alice, I could hardly wait
till you got home.

Hey, Ralph looked wonderful
on television.

Oh, Trixie, it
was so exciting.

Oh, I'll bet.

Isn't Ralph here?

No, he decided to
stay downstairs.

He's waiting for
people to go by

and recognize him.

Who could recognize him
at this hour?

Alice, it's dark out.

Oh, he thought
of that.

Look-- there he is,

standing under
the streetlight
with his hat off.

Oh.

Well, on second thought,

I don't know
if I'd act any different.

You know,
if I were in his place.

'Cause, gee, if I were
on a big television show

and seen by millions
of people. Ooh!

Oh, listen, Trixie,
don't get me wrong.

I'm very proud that
Ralph is on this show.

Yeah.

Only thing is,
I know Ralph.

You know the
way he has

of steaming
himself up

and getting
over-enthused.

You know he's apt to
build himself way up

to a letdown, and
then he'll just
feel miserable.

Yeah.

But, Alice,
just between us,

hint to Ralph always
to face the camera,

'cause when he turns profile,

brother, he's the biggest thing
on television.

( laughs )

Say, Trix,
what about Ed?

Did he see the show?

Oh, yeah, he watched it
with the boys

down at the bowling alley.

Look, I bet he'll stop
in here to see Ralph

on his way upstairs,
but I got to get up there.

Now, look, I'll see you
in the morning, huh, honey?

All right.
Night, Trix.
Bye.

Well, I learned something
tonight, Alice.

You're never too old
to learn something,

and tonight, I
learned something.

There isn't one person,

not one person
in this building

that hasn't got
a jealous nature.

Ralph, what are you
talking about?

I stood down in
front of this door

since you left me.

Not one person come up
and congratulated me.

And not only that.

Not even one person admitted
that they saw me on the program.

Now, Ralph, how can
you talk like that?

Norton was over at
the bowling alley

with all your friends
watching the show.

And Trixie was
just here to say she
saw you on the show.

She was?

Well, uh...
what did she think of me?

Well, she said

you're the biggest
thing on television.

You know,
that Trixie's a good kid.

And Norton's
all right, too.

There are two
true-blue friends.

Well, they won't
regret it.

Because when
I celebrate,

they'll celebrate with me.

Celebrate what?

Celebrate the winning

of The $99,000 Answer,
that's what.

It won't be long now,
sweetheart.

We'll be living
on Park Avenue.

And wait till you see

how different
this furniture looks

when it's
in a Park Avenue apartment.

Ralph, aren't you
being a little bit
too ambitious?

You've heard some
of those questions.

They get pretty tough
after the first two.

So what?

That's why I picked the subject
that I know.

Popular songs.

I know all
about popular songs.

I know, Ralph, but
you're not an expert.

What do you mean,
I'm not an expert?

Ever since I was a kid,
Alice, I liked music.

Especially popular music. Ha.

When I was growing up,
that's all I did.

I used to eat, sleep
and think music.

I wasn't like
those other bums

around the neighborhood,
you know.

Hanging around the pool room
or hanging out in the corner.

Not me.

Every night in the week,
I was up some ballroom

listening to a dance band.

Ralph, I'd be very proud
of you, you know,

if you answered the first
two questions

and came home with $600.

$600?

( laughs )

A mere bag of shells.

Ralph, will you please
be sensible?

They don't hand you
the $99,000.

You got to answer questions,
Ralph,

and they're very tough
questions.

I know what you're
trying to say, Alice.

What you're
trying to say is

your husband
is too dumb

to answer any questions.

Well, that's where you're wrong.

And for your information,

a 12-year-old kid, on one of
these programs, walked in

and answered
the $16,000 question.

12 years old, she was.

Stands to reason, me,
a grown man--

I must be able to answer
the same questions

that a 12-year-old kid
can answer.

Spell
"anti-disestablishmentarianism."

I'll spell it.

I'll spell it!

Well?

Go ahead.

I'll spell it
when you give me $16,000

for spelling it!

$16,000 for
spelling it?

I'll give you $32,000
if you can say it!

Ho, ho,
ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Bang! Zoom!

Now, look, Ralph.

I don't doubt

that you know a lot
about popular songs.

Let's say you know
all there is to know

about popular songs.

There is just
one thing

that you're
overlooking, Ralph.

You're going on a
television show,

a big television show.

Millions of people
are going to be
looking at you.

And big money
at stake.

Well, you're liable
to get nervous, Ralph,

and forget what
you do know.

Any person
could do that.

Are you kidding? Ha.

I'm at my best when
I'm under pressure.

I never get nervous.

( chuckles ):
Oh.

That's right,
I forgot.

You're always calm.

You have to be
in the kind of work you do.

You're a man
who "brives the dus."

Go ahead, Alice.

Try to discourage me.

But you're getting no place,

'cause I'm going for
that $99,000 answer!

And I'm not leaving
one stone unturned.

There'll be no
chances for mistakes.

I'm not leaving this
house once this week.

I'm staying in every night,

and I'm studying every song
that was ever written.

I'm going to buy sheet music
and study that.

I'm going to buy
records and study them.

I'm going to rent a piano,

I'm going to have
Norton come down here

and play the piano.

Every song he's
ever heard,

and I'm going
to study them.

Ralph, that's going
to cost us a fortune!

It'll take every penny
we have saved.

We won't have one cent
left in the bank.

When the smoke clears
away, we'll have $99,000.

Yes, sir, this
is the time

I'm going to get
my pot of gold.

Just go for the gold.

You've already got the pot.

( laughs )

( sighs )

( knock on door )

Just a minute.

Mother!
Hello, Alice.

What are you doing
here at this hour?

Oh, here's the dress material
that you said you wanted.

Oh, but you
didn't have

to make a special
trip just for that.

Oh, I didn't.

We went to the movies
in the neighborhood.

And so it wasn't out of our way
to come here at all.

Well, why don't you
sit down and have
a cup of coffee?

Oh, I can't. Your father's
waiting in the car,

and he's double-parked.

How's "The Brain" doing?

Oh, Mother.

What a week!

The piano and the phonograph
have been going

every single night
until 3:00 in the morning.

He's been fighting
out the window

with Mr. Garrity upstairs.

Strangers have been
dropping in here all the time

to give him advice.

Letters have been pouring in
all the time.

He's been staying home
from work without any salary,

paying for all of this stuff.

He's going to have
to win that $99,000

just to break even.

Where is he now?

He's down
at Mrs. Manicotti's.

She's helping him brush up
on popular songs

that were taken from
Italian classics.

This boy isn't
missing a trick.

Hmm. Well, I've
got to go.

I'll keep my fingers
crossed for Ralph

tomorrow night.

Thanks, Mom.

Say hello
to Pop for me.

( coughs )

Ha!

What is she doing here?

Ralph.

Hello, Ralph!

( laughing )

Well, tomorrow's
your big night.

I was talking
to Alice about it,

and there's just one thing
I want...

You can save your breath,

'cause I know what the one thing
is that you want to tell me.

The both of you.

That I should quit
at the $600 question.

Well, I'm not.

I'm going on!

On, on, on!

To the $99,000 answer!

But, Ralph,
before you interrupted me,

I was about to say,
that I hoped you'd go on

to the $99,000 answer.

Oh.

Well, Alice, I got to admit
that now and then

your mother shows a small,
tiny bit of wisdom.

As a matter of fact,

I can't wait to hear you
answer that question.

Ha.

I want to see the expression
on your face

when you miss it!

Why couldn't she have been
with Custer

when he got
in that trouble, huh?

Just for that,
when we move to Park Avenue,

she ain't getting a new address.

Ralph, I must
be crazy

to argue with
you about this,

but you got us moving
to Park Avenue,

winning $99,000,

and you haven't
even answered the
first question yet.

I am going to bed.

Big deal!

Stay in there.

( door closes )

Hey there, Ralphie boy.

♪ Oh, give me land,
lots of land ♪

♪ Deedle-deedle
deedle-dee ♪

♪ Don't deedle-deedle
deedle ♪

I got it-- "Don't
Fence Me In,"

written by
Cole Porter

for the picture
Hollywood Canteen

in the year 1944,

produced by
Warner Brothers.

Correct!

( laughs )

Ralphie, you're hotter
than a firecracker.

When you run
into that master of ceremonies,

he's going to run out
of hurdles, you know.

( laughter )

Sit down, pal.
How did you do
with, uh, Mrs. Manicotti?

I left her speechless.
Yeah.

She did everything
in her power to stick me.

( both laugh )

I guessed the English name
to every one

of the Italian songs
that she sang.

Oh, boy.

Well, I bought a few
old movie-type songs

and things like
that along.

Don't look at
the sheet music.

No cheating,
now. Just...

I don't have to look, pal.
All right.

You just play them,
and I'll name them.

All right.

Come on with that thing!

This is my last night
to brush up on the songs.

Now, let's not waste
any time. Get going.

All right.

( playing "Swanee River" )

Will you wait a minute,
please?

Why must
you always play...

( humming tune
of "Swanee River" )

...before you go in and play
the song I'm trying to guess?

If I told you once, I
told you a hundred times.

It's the only way
I can warm up

before I play the piano.

A pitcher warms up before
he pitches a ball game,

I got to warm up that way
before I play the piano.

I hope I don't have
to tell you this again.

Are you ready?

Go ahead and play.

( playing "Swanee River" )

Oh.

( playing "Shuffle Off
to Buffalo" )

That's all, that's all,
that's all.

"Shuffle Off to Buffalo,"
written by Warren and Dubin

for a little picture
called 42nd Street.

The year was 1932.

Absolutely right.

All right,
here's another one.

Don't look at
the music, now.

Don't need it, my friend,
don't need it.

Now, this is a little
change in tempo.

Don't let it
throw you.

All righty.

( plays "Swanee River" )

( plays tune )

"Just Too Marvelous
For Words"

written by Johnny Mercer
and Richard Whiting

for a picture called
Ready, Willing and Able."

The year was 19... 37.

Absolutely correct.

Boy, you are hot.

All right, this one
might throw you.

This one, uh, goes
back a little ways.

Ready?

( playing "Swanee River" )
Aye.

( playing tune )

( rapping on door )

I think that was...

Come in! Come in!

Oh-ho.

There he is,
Jealous McGarrity.

Look, why don't you shut up
in here?

You driving everybody crazy!

I'm not driving
anybody crazy.

You're just jealous,
that's all.

And do you know
why you're jealous?

Because you know
that at this time
tomorrow night,

my picture will be
on the front page

of every newspaper
in the country.

Well, so will mine!

For k*lling you!

Ralph.

Here you are, loudmouth!

Now you woke up my wife!

Ed, I realize
that I cannot talk to Ralph

because he is stubborn
and unreasonable.

But I have always
had great respect

for your sense
of fair play,

and so I appeal to you.

It is late.

People would like
to go to sleep.

I think you should stop
playing the piano.

And I am sure

that you will agree
with me, Ed,

because you have always
been fair and considerate.

You are a reasonable man.

Don't let her soft-soap you.

Don't let her
soft-soap you.

You're just
as unreasonable as I am.

Go ahead and play.

If you touch
that piano again,

I'll lose all
my respect for you.

Go ahead and play, Norton,

if you don't want
to lose my friendship.

( clears throat )

Well, I'm in a spot.

If I play the piano,
I lose her respect,

if I don't play, I
lose your friendship.

Why, oh why,
was I blessed

with this
musical talent?

( knocking on door )

Thanks a lot.
That's the police.

I don't care
if it is the police.

Let them in!

Mrs. Manicotti!
Quiet, everyone.

( singing in Italian )

I have it--
"Take Me Back to Sorrento."

1898, written by
Ernesto de Keesta!

Hmm. I give up!

Well, that's the way it goes.

The whole house has gone crazy.

Going crazy?

I suppose she's crazy
'cause she wants to help me?

Give me a little chance,

help me out
with the names of songs.

That's a little more
than I can say for you.

Ralph, I've been trying
to help you by being sensible.

If you had listened to me
in the first place,

you could have avoided

putting all this pressure
on yourself.

For the last time, Alice,
I'm telling you.

I'm going
for the $99,000 question.

For the last time, Ralph,

I'll be very proud
if you win the 600 bucks.

600 dollars.

Peanuts, peanuts.

What am I going to do
with peanuts?

Eat 'em,
like any other elephant.

( door closes )

Ho-ho!

Ho-ho!

Bang, zoom!

Play the piano!

( plays "Swanee River" )

( plays tune )

And now, the star of our show,

Herb Norris!

( applause )

Thank you,
thank you very much.

And welcome to America's
most exciting show,

The $99,000 Answer.

And now, Tom,
who is our first guest, please?

Herb, our first guest,
ready to leap the first hurdle,

on his way
to the $99,000 answer,

is our bus driver
from Brooklyn,

Mr. Ralph Kramden!

( applause and cheering )

How do you do,
Mr. Kramden?

How do you do?
It's nice to see
you again.

It's nice
to be back here.

Now, I remember
last week,

we had just got to the
point in the program

where you had selected your
category, popular songs.

Yes, sir.
Isn't that right?

Now, you've had a
whole week to prepare.

Tell me, have you
done much studying?

Oh, just a little.

( laughs )

Oh, just a...
just a little?

Spare time sort
of thing, huh?

Sort of spare time.

I see, all right.

No sense of going over
what you already know!

Oh, I guess
you're right, sir.

That's right.

Now, let's get on
with our competition.

May we have the
card, please,

explaining the
game and the first
question? Thank you.

I have here your
first question,

now, Mr. Kramden.

You know how The
$99,000 Answer works.

We start with the first
question, worth $100.

Then our second hurdle
is worth $600.

After that, our hurdles
become higher,

and naturally, the
questions become a
little more difficult.

Our fourth hurdle
is worth $6,187.50.

And if you answer that,

the next one is
worth $12,375.

Now, then, we keep
rolling along and
doubling the money

until finally,
you get to the
$99,000 answer.

Now, you can
stop any time
you feel like it

and take what
money you've won
up to that point.

Now, is that all
clear, Mr. Kramden?

It certainly is,
and if I may,

I'd like
to make a little statement.

Well, surely.
Go right ahead.

I intend to go straight on,

forge ahead
to the $99,000 answer.

( applause and cheering )

That's wonderful,
Mr. Kramden.

I, uh... I think
it's only fair

to point out
to you, though,

that you don't need to
make that decision now.

You can stop at any
time you want to

and take the money
you've accumulated.

Well, I made up my mind,
and I thought

you might as well know it,
and I know it,

and they know it,
and everybody knows it.

I see. Well,
sir, tell me,

have you discussed
this at home?

Have you talked it
over with your wife?

Yes, I did, and regardless,

I am going
for the $99,000 answer.

I see. Well, that's
quite a decision.

I guess you really know
your popular songs, huh?

Well, I don't like to...

All right, Mr. Kramden,
I wish you a lot of luck,

and here's your first
question for $100.

Are you ready?

I certainly am.

All right,
Mr. Kramden,
for $100,

who is the composer
of "Swanee River?"

"Swanee River?"

That's right,
"Swanee River."

Can we have a few
bars of "Swanee
River," Jose?

( piano plays "Swanee River" )

That's "Swanee River?!"

That's right. Now,
who's the composer?

Your time's
running out.

Hurry up. You
better take a guess.

( stammers )

Ed Norton?

Oh, I'm terribly
sorry, Mr. Kramden.

No. The correct answer
is Stephen Foster.

But thanks so much.

You've been
a wonderful
contestant

and a swell sport.

Good-bye,
Mr. Kramden.

Good-bye,
Mr. Kramden.

I'll be
seeing you.

"I'll Be Seeing You,"--
Irving Kahal.

Irving Kahal
and Sammy Fain, 1938!

Now, Mr. Kramden,
it's all over now.

"It's All Over Now,"
Basie Simon, 1927.

No, no. Good night,
Mr. Kramden.

Good night, good night--

there were two songs,
good night.

It was "Good Night, Irene,"
written by Lomax and Ledbetter,

"Good night, Sweetheart,"

written by Rudy Vallee
and Ray Noble.

No...
Then there was another...

This way, sir.

Please?
Please?

"Please" was sung by
Bing Crosby and...