01x19 - Ralph Kramden, Inc

[bunniefuu]

( birds chirping )

As I live and breathe,
a yellow-bellied sapsucker.

RALPH:
Hiya, Norton.

Hey there.
What do you say, Ralph?

Just a minute. I'll
be right with you.

I've got to make
an entry in my bird-
watching book here.

I just seen a yellow
-bellied sapsucker.

"Bird seen:

"Yellow-bellied sapsucker.

"Place where seen:

Central Park."

You know, there's one
thing that bothers me.

They're not supposed to be
within 3,000 miles of here.

Well, how do you know
it's a yellow-bellied sapsucker?

Don't forget,
last week you saw a robin

with a wishbone
in its mouth,

you said it was
a chicken hawk.

Nevertheless, I'm
sure this is a yellow
-bellied sapsucker.

Why are you sure
it's a yellow-bellied sapsucker?

What else could it be?

It's got a yellow belly
and it was sucking sap.

I don't know why
a man of your age
watches birds.

Why shouldn't
I watch them?

They watch me,
don't they?

The only bird that watches you,
Norton, is a woodpecker.

Hey, look, Ralph, the
runt of the litter.

Look, Norton...

I asked to have lunch
with you in the park

because I got
something very important

I want to talk
to you about.
What?

I want you
to do me a favor.

What do you want?

I don't know,
but somehow or another

I made a mistake
in the bus today

and made
the wrong change.

I must have given somebody
a $20 bill for a dollar bill.

Now, I got to turn in
my receipts to the cashier

at 5:00 tonight.

Will you lend me
the money?

Look Ralph, it-it's
not that I'm against

lending you money,

and you can do anything
you want with it.

It's just what you
don't do with it.

What don't I do with it?

You don't pay me back.

Look, Norton,
don't lend me the money.

All I want you to do
is invest $20 in me.

What do you mean invest?

I'll tell you
what I mean.

Norton, let's face it,
I'm a man with big ideas

and sooner or later,

one of those ideas
are going to catch on.

And when they do,
I'm going to be a big sh*t.

And do you know what happens
to people who become big sh*ts?

Yeah, they forget
their relatives.

No, Norton,
they incorporate.

They incorporate!

I'm going to become
a corporation.

Do you know
what a corporation is?

Yeah, I know what
a corporation is.

When a person or
a group of persons

duly authorized to sell,
distribute shares,

become avowed with
the intention of...

the stockholders
grouping about together,

with those shares

with the intention
of selling the shares,

comes to an evil
interest there.

How did you know that?

Ever hear of Merrill,
Lynch, Pierce, Pierce
and Bean?

Yes.

They got an office
right outside

a downtown sewer
I work in.

Well, I'm glad you know
what a corporation is Norton,

because
then you'll understand

what a great opportunity
I'm offering you

when I tell you that
I will sell you a percentage.

For $20, a 20% percentage

of the Ralph Kramden
Corporation.

How do you like that?

Trixie forgot
the ketchup.

Of course,
I can't give you too much stock.

I can only sell
you a few shares but...

well, I still think
you'll make a profit on it.

Well?

Well,
isn't it appealing to you?

No, it don't.

I don't like liverwurst
without ketchup.

Will you stop
with the liverwurst!

I'm talking high finance!

Look, for $20 you get 20%
of all the money I make

over and above my salary.

Listen to me,
will you, Ralph?

My mother didn't raise no
stupid children, you know.

I work hard for the
money I earn there
down in that sewer.

It's no easy
job, you know.

Some days I get it
right up to here!

If I'm going to invest my
money in any proposition,

believe you me,
it's got to-it's
got to make sense.

It's got to have
a sound, logical,
business foundation.

Only then will I
"make the plunge,"

as we say in the trade.

Norton, I'm very happy
to hear you speak like that.

You sound like
an intelligent man,

and that's exactly
the type man

that I want in my corporation
to be vice president.

And if you give me
the $20

and get 20%
of my corporation,

I am making you
the vice president.

Hmm. Me a veep?

Now you're talking sense.

Wait a minute, pal.

Here. Here's
the 20 bucks.

Thank you.

And I certainly am lucky

to get a man like you
for vice president.

Yeah. I say that this
calls for a toast.

There you are.

Thank you.

To the corporation.

To Ralph Kramden,
the president,

Edward L. Norton,
vice president

and chairman of the board.

Wait a minute, hold it.

Hold it, don't move.

By Jove, it isn't another
yellow-bellied sapsucker!

Boy, oh, boy.

Two yellow-bellied
sapsuckers in the same day.

Boy, I ought to phone
the Society about this.

What makes you believe
anyone is going to believe you,

when you tell them you saw

two yellow-bellied sapsuckers
in a park

where they're not suppose
to be within 300,000 miles of?

Wait a minute, Ralph,
you got a point there.

But I know how
I can fix it.

"Bird seen: Two yellow-
bellied sapsuckers.

"Place where seen:

Albuquerque, New Mexico."

( laughing )

I'm certainly lucky
to get a man like you

to be my vice president,
Norton.

Yellow-bellied sapsucker.

Oh! Ow... ow.

What's the matter?

Ow, I b*rned my fingers
on that darn stove.

Oh, I'm sorry,
sweetheart.

Boy, you're always
burning something there.

If it ain't your finger,
it's my food.

It's no joke, Ralph.

I'm only kidding, sweetie.

There, feel better now?
No, it doesn't.

I'm telling you
something, Ralph.

That stove is a booby trap.

One of these days,

it's going to blow both
of us up to smithereens.

If you are hinting
that I should buy a new stove,

you'll have to get a
better idea than that.

Now, look, get to
work on the old stove

and cook my new supper.

You can cook
your own new supper.

Don't think your attitude
scares me, Alice.

I'll get my own supper.

I'm pretty good at it.

( door opening, closing )

Hey, there, Ralph.

What are you doing?

Oh, uh, I'm getting
my own supper.

Alice isn't
feeling too good

so I'm doing her a favor.

Oh.

Well, uh...
( clears throat )

Ralph, I wanted to have
a little talk with you

about the corporation.

I've been vice president
for about a week now

and you ain't
showing no profit.

I had a stockholders meeting
with myself and, uh,

I've come to the conclusion

that I'm getting
a little impatient.

Haven't you got any
business ethics?

How can you interrupt

the president
of the corporation
while he's eating?

All right,
I'll wait till you're through.

Ralph, uh, could
I have a banana?

Go ahead.

Ain't got no bananas.

Could I have an apple?

Go ahead.

Ain't got no
apples, either.

Could I have an orange?

Go ahead!

Haven't got any
oranges either.

You want a
peanut butter sandwich?

I don't like
peanut butter.

I like apples...

or bananas...

or oranges.

Hey, what kind of
peanut butter is that?

Is that the crunchy kind?

Yes, it's the crunchy kind,
and I can prove it to you.

When this jar hits your head,
you'll hear a crunch!

Don't get excited,
will you?

Remember, you're talking
to the vice president

of Ralph Kramden,
Incorporated.

All I'd like to do
is eat in peace.

Go ahead,
who's stopping you?

Fine thing for a president
of a corporation to be eating--

peanut butter sandwich.

You ought to be eating
something that'll stick

to those fat little ribs
of yours.

Do you mind leaving
this apartment

and going back upstairs?

All right, all right.

I'm going,
but I-I got this to tell you.

I'm going
to leave your corporation

in a state of bankruptcy.

I'm withdrawing my $20.

You told me that every time
you turn around I'd make money.

Well, so far you ain't
been exactly no pinwheel.

I thought the whole thing over,
you know.

You got a corporation,
I got 20% of it.

I got 20% of nothing.

How can you get rich
on 20% of nothing?

Is that what you're
beefin' about, 20%?

All right, you got 30%.

It's 35% or nothing.

It's a deal.
It's a deal.

( laughing )

Ralph, I-I hope
I didn't offend you, Ralph,

but, uh, you know the way
I drive a hard bargain.

I got to watch out
for my interests.

I got to admit,

you put it over on
me that time, Norton.

( knocking on door )

Come in.

Mr. Ralph Kramden?
Yeah.

My name
is Frederick Parsons.

I'm an attorney.
An attorney?

My firm is handling
the estate

of the late Mary Monahan.

I suppose you'll remember her,
she used to ride on your bus.

Mary Monahan.

That's the old lady
I used to help on and off.

She used to get on the bus
for years.

I didn't see her lately.

I was wondering
what happened to her.

Gee, that's a shame.

Well, she didn't forget
your kindness.

She remembered you
in her will.

Now, the will is going
to be read tomorrow,

Friday morning,
at 10:00 at her apartment.

Will you be there?

Sure, I'll be there
if you want me to.

How come a poor lady like that
is making out a will?

Well,
she wasn't exactly poor.

She wasn't?
No.

Her estate was valued
at roughly $40 million.

See you Friday.

How about that?

$40 million!

Alice! Alice!

$40 million!

I'm inheriting
$40 million!

( groaning )

Ed, what happened?

What do you mean
what happened?

He fainted,
can't you see?

Fine thing.

Guy inherits $40 million
and he faints.

( gasps )

What am I saying?

35% of that
belongs to me.

( groans )

Ralph, your breakfast is ready.

RALPH:
I haven't...

I haven't got time
to eat breakfast!

Well why not?
It's only 8:30.

The lawyer said they wouldn't
read the will until 10:00.

Alice why must you hide things
where I can't find them?

Where's the shoe polish?

In the top
left-hand drawer.

It's not in the top hand
dress pant drawer!

It must be there.

It must be, huh?
It must be.

It must be, but it's not!

Don't always say
"it must be," Alice.

What you mean is "maybe,"
not "must be." Maybe!

This must be it... maybe.

You and your snide remarks.

Ralph, will you calm down
a little bit?

If you don't take it easy,
you know,

you'll be a nervous wreck
by the time that will is read.

I am not nervous, Alice.
I am not nervous.

I may be a little
excited inheriting
$40 million,

but I am not nervous.

No.

No, you're not nervous,
Ralph.

You're not nervous at all.

You just read an Esquire

where the well-dressed man
always polishes his socks.

I want to tell you
something.

Ralph, I know you're
a little bit excited,

but after all, the will
hasn't been read yet.

We don't know how much
she's leaving you.

What do you mean
we don't know?

You keep talking
about millions, Ralph.

It may just be hundreds.

What are you talking about
hundreds?

She's leaving $40 million,

isn't she?

It said in the papers
this morning

she's only got
one other relative.

One living relative!
A nephew.

And she doesn't like him.

The paper said
she had no use for him.

Ralph, that's her
own living relative.

Her own flesh and blood.

He might contest
the will.

Contest it?
Contest it?

Har, har, hardy, har, har.

What do you mean contest it?

Did he ever help her off
a bus and help her on one?

You may not realize
this, Alice,

but, in a few hours,
I'm going to be a very rich man.

Ralph, all I'm saying is

don't count your chickens
before they're hatched.

And remember, Norton gets
35% of those chickens.

Don't worry,
I can take care of him.

What do you mean?

Ralph, you wouldn't cheat Norton
out of his share?

Of course not. I'm
not going to cheat him.

I'm just going to try to do
what's best for everybody.

You know how people act
when they get a lot of money.

They go nuts.

You know how Norton is,
he's the nervous type.

He'd really go nuts if he
got his hands on anything.

First thing you know,
he'd quit his job in the sewer.

Next thing he'd do
is buy clothes,

buy automobiles, yachts.

Start taking a tour
around the world.

Drinking champagne,
eating caviar.

First thing you know,
he wouldn't come home.

Poor Trixie pleading with him,
"Please, come home, Norton."

Him laughing at her.

That would be a nice
thing, wouldn't it?

After all she's done for him,

pleading for him to come home
and him laughing at her!

Well, if you think that
I'm going to do that

to such a nice girl like
Trixie, you're crazy!

( Alice moans )

Hi, there, Alice.

Oh, hi, Ed.

You want some coffee?

No, I already had breakfast.

How about a
second breakfast?

I already had that, too.

It'd be kind of ridiculous

to have three breakfasts,
wouldn't it?
Yeah.

I'll tell you
what I will do though.

I'll, uh,
start on my first lunch.

There you go.

Hey Alice...
Yeah.

Oh, Norton,
I'm glad you're here.

I want to talk to you.

Hey, listen, listen,
it's getting late.

We'll talk on the way down
to the Monahan mansion.

We'll talk on the way.

You don't think for one minute
that you're going

to the reading of the will
with me, do you?

Well, of course I'm going,
Ralph. You'll need me.

You don't think
of the small details.

The little things.

For instance...

Did you happen
to think of that?

And what is that for?

The small details,
Ralph.

You can't come away
from that place

with $40 million
in your pocket.

You've got to have something
to carry it in.

There you are, there's
the vice president talking.

Well, are you sure that
the bag will hold $40 million?

A bag like that.

Yeah,
this'll do the trick.

Is that so?

Why don't you make sure?

Why don't you run upstairs

and cut some paper money
into the shape of dollar bills

and see if they'll all
fit in there.

The small details.

Ed.
What?

Is Trixie upstairs?

Yeah, she's upstairs.

She's waiting
till I get back.

We are going
to make a trip

that I have always
wanted to make.

A trip?

Yeah, now that we're
getting into the millions,

I'm going to do something
that I always wanted to do--

going on a second honeymoon
to Niagara Falls,

only this time,
we ain't hitchhiking.

I'll just run up and see Trix.

All right.

Come on, Ralph.
Will you snap it up?

I'm anxious to collect
that 35% of the $40 million.

What do you mean collect it?
What do you mean collect it?

You can't take that money
out of the corporation.

It's got to stay in there.

That's what a corporation
is for--

to put money in
and let it grow.

Ralph, this has grown enough.

35% of the $40 million
belongs to the stockholders.

This is only the start.

Look, as president
of this corporation,

already, from just
$20 you gave me,

I'm already making you millions!

Look, you got to leave it there.

You got to leave it
in the corporation.

Then I invest it,

then I reinvest it,

and then re-re-reinvest it.

Before I finish
with you, pal,

I'll have you
out of that sewer.

$40 million,

35% of it belongs
to the stockholders.

Will you stop saying
$40 million?

It's not $40
million, you know.

When you inherit
$40 million,

do you know how
much you have left?

Let me give you an example.

35% belongs to
the stockholders.

Will you stop saying that?

Now, look,

this piece of paper
represents $40 million.

All right,
I inherit $40 million.

Right away comes
federal income tax.

Then comes the state tax.

Then comes the city tax.

Then a few
miscellaneous taxes.

Then you have to pay
for the lawyers,

and that is what is
left of $40 million.

35% belongs
to the stockholders.

Come on.
Come on.

Come, Fortune.

Eat your breakfast.

Come now, Fortune.

You've got to eat, you know?

Is everything ready
in here?

Mr. Carson is going
to read the will.

Everything is ready
as it will ever be.

But I'm worried about
Fortune, Bascomb.
Oh...

He isn't eating.

Oh, poor little dear.

He misses Mrs. Monahan.
Yes.

Come, Fortune,
eat your breakfast.

( doorbell ringing )

Ah, there's the doorbell.

It must be that Mr. Kramden
that they were expecting.

Mr. Carson and the
others have been waiting,

I'll tell them
you're here.

Thank you very much.

How do you do?

Hey. Hey, hey, look.

Today I seen a parrot.

Oh, will you stop that?

Now, look, Norton,
I'm telling you now

and I'm telling you
for the last time--

don't embarrass me here.

Can't I even look around?

All right, but don't
touch anything.

Eeh. What a grouch.

Boy, how about
this place?

This is real class, huh?
Oh...

Bet you they spent at
least a hundred dollars

on the furniture
in this room alone.

Sure.

Hey, hey, Ralph.
Look.
What?

I bet this guy
had a rotten barber.

( laughing )

( mutters )

Oh, there you are.

Oh, how do you
do, Mr. Carson?

I'm sorry I'm late

but I was taking care
of my corporation.

We were about to start
without you,

but there are some things
that just can't wait.

( laughs ):
Like we say in the sewer,

"Time and tide
wait for no man."

( clears throat )

Uh, this is my business
associate, Mr. Norton.

Mr. Carson.

Well... this is Mr. Bradley,
Mrs. Monahan's nephew.

Oh...
( chuckles )

So, you're the bus driver.
Yeah.

I'm very glad to meet you.

No hard feelings,
of course.

You know how fickle
fate can be.

Better luck next time.

( both laughing )

Well, if we'll
all be seated now,

we'll get on with it.
Why certainly.

This shouldn't take very long.

This will is quite short

and there's no question
as to its legality,

so I'll skip
the technicalities

and get right down
to the bequests.

( clears throat )

"To Herbert Bascomb...

"my butler,

"for his many years
of faithful service,

I leave the sum
of $50,000."

( gasps )

Sorry, a little
habit I picked up

watching the quiz shows.

"To my maid,
Mary O'Donnell...

I leave the sum
of $25,000."

( gasps )

( crying loudly )

Some people are never satisfied.

"To my nephew,
Robert Hilliard Bradley,

"who by his gambling
and philandering

"has shown himself to be

"utterly incapable
of handling money,

"I leave the sum
of one dollar

"which will undoubtedly
be promptly deposited

with his bookmaker."

I, uh, hope you pick
a winner with it.

( laughing )

Please, please,
may I continue?

Certainly.

"To Ralph Kramden,
my favorite bus driver...

( chuckles )

...I leave... my fortune."

I'm rich!
I'm rich!

I'm rich, I'm rich!

Please, Mr. Kramden,
Mr. Kramden.

Please,
control yourselves.

I'm rich.

I'm sorry, I...

it came so sudden,
I wasn't expecting it.

"Ralph Kramden
has shown himself to be

"kind, sober, courteous
and conscientious.

"And to such a man,

"and only such a man

would I entrust
my fortune."

I'm rich! I'm rich!
We're rich!

Please, please!

I'm not finished,
I'm not finished.

Now let's see,
where was I? Oh, yes.

"To such a man
and only such a man

"would I entrust
my fortune.

"I, therefore, direct

"that immediately upon
the reading of this will,

Ralph Kramden take
possession of my fortune."

Get the bag.
Bascomb.

Mr. Kramden,
this is Fortune,

and according to the will,
you take immediate possession.

( stammering )

( stammering )

( humming, stammering )

( groaning )

Uh, excuse me,
Mr. Carson.

Yes?

Am I to understand
that this is the fortune?

Yes.

( gasping )

( stammering )