01x26 - Young Man with a Horn

[bunniefuu]

Hiya, hon.
Hi, Ralph.

What are you doing?

Well, you know how,
for the past year,

you've been promising me

you'd clean out
the bedroom closet?

Yeah.

Well, I'm keeping
your promise.

Sorry. If I knew there
was such a rush about it,

I'd have taken care
of it right away.

What are you gonna do
with all this stuff?

I'm gonna take it
down to the cellar.

You don't have to
do that, sweetie.
I'll take it down.

All right, Ralph.
I'll finish up in here.

All right.

Hey there.

Hey there, Ralphie Boy.

I thought you were gonna
meet me this afternoon

and have lunch with me.

Oh, I couldn't make it, Ralph.
I'm sorry, I...

I had to be down there
at city hall there.

I had to fill out
an application so I could

take one of those civil service
examinations for a new job.

A new job?! But you got
a job in the sewer.

I know, I know, I know.
You're like a lot of people.

They all say to me you got
a very good job in the sewer.

You know,
they think just because

my job is unusual,
you know,

that it's glamorous
and exciting.

Well, that ain't true.

You ask any sewer worker:
"All that glitters is not gold."

What kind of a job
are you trying out for?

Sewer inspector.

Well, good luck.

Good luck-- oh, I think
I'm gonna need it.

Listen,
when I was down there,

I noticed a lot of
civil service jobs open

and there was one in particular
that would fit you to a tee.

Just right in your alley.

Senior clerk in transit
authority.

Transit authority?
Certainly!

Look, I brought
an application here

so you could fill it out.

Good pay, easy hours,
steady advancement--

in no time, you could be boss
of the whole company.

Nah, they probably
want a businessman.

You know, a guy that can
run an organization. Here.

Well, you could try it,
couldn't you?

What's the sense of trying?

I wouldn't make it.
Here, open that door.

I gotta take this stuff
down to the cellar.

Wait a minute, Ralph.
These go out, too.

Wait a minute.
What are you doing?

You're not throwing out
my cornet, are you?

Well, why not, Ralph?
You never play it anymore.

It's just gathering dust.

What's that got
to do with it?

There's a lot of tender memories
attached to that cornet.

My father gave it to me.

I grew up with it.

It's part of my youth.

Oh, Ralph, you act as if I was
throwing out your pool cue.

I don't care, Alice.
I want to keep it.

Will you be sensible, Ralph?
You don't play it anymore.

That's got nothing
to do with it!

I want to keep it!

All right, Ralph. You haven't
touched it in years.

I want to keep it.

He's right, Alice.

He hasn't touched his
toes in years either.

He still wants
to keep them.

Would you do me a favor
and stay out of this?

( Ed claps hands )

( chuckling ):
Boy...

Give us a little
tune there.

Work out a little
rock and roll there.

Well, I don't know
how the old lip is,

but I'll take a cr*ck at it.

( Ed chuckles )

Stand back, Ed.
This is liable to be messy.

You're liable to be messy
in about five seconds!

( no note plays )

Not so loud, Ralph.

You'll disturb
the neighbors.

Uh... maybe this is
one of those high
frequency cornets

that only dogs can hear.

What is a sock
doing in my cornet?

Must be one of the tender
memories that's attached to it.

All right,
now keep quiet, everybody,

and I'll play a little tune.

Rip it outta there.

I don't know if I still remember
that song I used to play.

Got the music right here.

( haltingly playing melody )

( playing off-key notes )

( blurts high note )

Whoa!

I could never hit
that high note.

You know something?

I liked it better
with a sock in it.

I'd like you a little better
with a sock in you.

Hey, uh, hand it over.

Give me a try at it.

You play the cornet?

No, I don't. I never tried,
but let's have it.

Are you crazy?

Gabriel, would you mind

getting the clothes down
to the cellar?

I'd like
to set the table.

Do me a favor,
will you, Norton?

Will you take that stuff
down to the cellar?

I want to fool around
with this.

You gonna play
that song again?

Yeah.

I'll be very happy to
take this stuff down.

Wise guy.

He certainly is.

You know something?

I made a big mistake
by not taking lessons

on this thing
right straight through.

I might've been
a big musician today.

My own orchestra.

Maybe another Harry James.

Ah, that's the story
of my life.

I could always make great
starts but I never finished.

Never finished anything.

Could never hit the high note
on anything I tried.

You know,
one time, my uncle

wanted to make me
an architect.

You know, I was
very good at, uh...

designing things
and building things.

Gave me some
free instruction.

Then the Charleston
come out.

I quit architecture to take
a couple of dancing lessons.

Never stuck with anything.

Never hit the high note.

I might have been
the guy that built

the Empire State Building,
if I had stuck at that.

( knock on door )

Come in.

Excuse me, uh...
my name is Gunther.

This is Mrs. Gunther.

Yes?
We're, uh...

We're sorry to intrude,

but I wonder if we could
ask a favor of you.

What is it?

Well... maybe you'll think
this is silly, but, uh...

You see, we used to live
in this apartment.

You used to live here?

Yes, many years ago.

Yeah, this was our first home
after we were married.

How about that, Alice?
They used to live here.

How nice.

Well, what can
we do for you?

I'm afraid you'll think us
terribly sentimental

but this is our 40th
wedding anniversary

and we wondered if we could
take a look about the place.

Your anniversary, huh?
Yes.

How about that?

You lived here
40 years ago?

Oh, August!

The place
hasn't changed a bit.

August! August Gunther!

You're not the August Gunther

that makes the
doughnuts, are you?

I am.

Are you that guy?

( chuckling ):
Yes.

They're my
favorite doughnuts.

I eat 'em all the time.

I'm glad you like my product,
Mr. Kramden.

Well, dear,
have you seen enough?

I suppose this place
must have a lot of
memories for you.

Oh, yes.

We were
very happy here.

Would you like to see
the other room?

May I?
Of course.

Is the view from the back
still blocked by that laundry?

Oh, no. They tore
that laundry down.

Now you can see
the kitchen of the
Chinese restaurant.

I envy you, Mr. Kramden.

You're young.

Life and opportunity
lie before you.

Oh, things may look
a little bit difficult now,

but when you've moved on
to higher things,

you look back
and you realize

that you enjoyed every moment
of the struggle.

Say, tell me something.

How did you
become a success?

Would you tell me?

Well, gladly!

One day-- well, it
was in this very room,
as a matter of fact--

I decided that I was
going to be a success

and I said nothing
is going to stand in my way.

Right here in
this room, huh?
Yeah.

Well, I knew
that to be a success

a man had to have
certain qualities.

So, I took stock of myself.

I made a list of, uh...
of my weaknesses

and my strong points.

And then I concentrated
on eliminating the weaknesses

and building up
the strong points,

making them stronger.

And from that moment,
Mr. Kramden,

I have never let
an opportunity
get away from me.

You did that right
in this room, huh?
Yeah.

Took stock of yourself.
Yeah.

Made a list of
all your faults

and you never made
a mistake again.

Well, I did make one mistake.

I loaned my brother-in-law
money to go into business.

What kind of business
was he in?

The doughnut business.

Oh! Oh, oh...

Thank you very much,
my dear.

And thank you, too,
Mr. Kramden.

You're very welcome,
Mrs. Gunther.

You've been very kind.
Thank you.

Well, shall we
go now, dear?
Yes.

Well, nice to have
seen you.
Oh, thank you.

Happy anniversary.

Yes, happy anniversary
to you both.

Oh, thank you
very much.

You've been
very kind to us.

Perfectly
all right.

Good day to you.
Bye-bye.

MR. GUNTHER:
Bye.

Gee, aren't they
a sweet couple, Ralph.

Is this a private parade
or can anybody march in it?

Alice...

I am gonna be
a success.

You are?!

I know I said
it before,

but this time
I really mean it.

Now I know why I haven't
been a success up to now.

Now I know.

That Mr. Gunther
opened my eyes.

It's my fault
that I haven't been
a success; my fault.

But things are gonna be
different from here on in.

Things are gonna
be much different.

I'm gonna take stock
of myself.

I'm going to list my mistakes
and my strong points.

Oh, Ralph, what's
happened to you?

I've never seen you
like this before.

There you are.

The change is
taking place already.

Even you're amazed.

I'm going after success.

I'm not gonna wait
until it hits me.

I'm going out and grab it.

This application that
Norton brought in-- a job.

A job as senior clerk.

That's me.

I'm gonna take that job.

I'm gonna pass this test.

And I'm going up.

I'm going to work hard
and I'm going up.

Up, up, up!

I'm going to hit that
high note, Alice.

( playing melody )

( high note screeches )

Don't worry, I'll hit it.

I'll hit it!

Where are you
going with that?

I'm just going to put
it in the drawer, Ralph,

where it'll be
out of the way.

Put it right back
where you found it.

I want it around as
a constant reminder

that I gotta hit
the high note.

All right, Ralph.
Anything you say.

If this cornet'll make
you do what you say
you're going to do,

I'll wear it
around my neck.

Don't worry, sweetheart.

This time I'm
not gonna fail.

Look, I got a line down
the center of the paper.

On this side, I'm gonna
list all my weak points,

and on the right side, I'll
list all my strong points.

Now, for instance, what
are one of my weak points?

Well, you were late for work
twice last week.

Very good.

Oversleeping.

Now...

what other weak
point have I got

besides sleeping
too much?

You snore.

Snoring.

Hey, uh... Alice...

you gonna play Mah Jongg
or aren't you?

Trixie and the girls are waiting
there, up there, for you.

Oh, yeah,
I'm going right up, Ed.

I'm sorry, Ralph,
about the snoring.

I was only joking.

Oh, that's okay,
sweetie.

What are you doing there,
Ralphie Boy?

I'm making a list of
all my weak points.

Ah.

Is that all the paper
you're going to use?

Ordinarily, the
old Ralph Kramden

would've got steamed
at that remark

and probably put you out.

But this is the
new Ralph Kramden,

and temper has no
place in his nature.

Now, if you wanna be
quiet, you can sit down.

Just leave me alone,
I'm hard at work.

You won't even know
I'm here.

( whistles two notes )

Will you stop that?!

You know...
This is important to me.

Okay, okay.
I'm sorry.

Uh... while you're doing that,

you want me to polish up
the old cornet?

Do anything you want,
just as long as
you be quiet.

All righty.

Where do you keep
the cornet polish?

I haven't got
any cornet polish.

Use something else
to polish it.

All right. As my
granddaddy used to say,

"There's always hope when
you got water and soap."

( pan clatters )

( whistling )

Happy New Year!

( whistling )

Oh, I tell you,
this ought to blow
like a bell now, huh?

( plays reveille )

Come on!

I'm trying to rearrange
my life and you're
blowing a bugle.

All right, I apologize.
I'm sorry.

I know what you're
going through.

Why don't you let me
list down your bad points?

Why should I let
you list 'em?

Because I can be more honest.
It's more impersonal.

A person don't look at himself
like others see him.

You remember Dickens?

Maybe you're right
about that.

All right,
let's try it. Here.

You list my bad points, and
I'll work on my good points.

All right.

You list the good points,

I'll list the bad points.

All right.

Oh, you're gonna
get it, Norton!

You're gonna get it!

All right, all right,
all right!

"Bad points:

"One: Rotten pool player.

"Two: Rotten bowler.

"Three: Rotten cornet player.

"Four: Can't speak French.

"Five: Doesn't pay his debts."

What do you mean I
don't pay my debts?

Just what I said.

You owed me two dollars
for the last month.

All right, Norton,
there's your two dollars.

Now scratch out
"Doesn't pay his debts."

( laughs )

I knew it'd work.

( laughing )

All right, that's
about all of that.

Let me see what you wrote.

You're not supposed to put
anything stupid down,

like I don't speak French.

This is important to me.

I know it's important.
I know.

Let me see what
you wrote down.
Your good points.

I haven't put
anything down yet.

You haven't, huh?

I got so many
good points,

I don't know
where to start.

Here... I'll put down
your good points.

Ralph Kramden's good points.

Go ahead and finish.

I'm finished.

You're finished?

How can you finish?
When you were writing down

my mistakes, it took
you a half hour.

Now it takes you
five seconds...

"Ralph Kramden, the sweetest
guy in the world."

That's a... that's a very
nice compliment, Norton.

I appreciate that.

Well, now maybe you realize
that I'm all for you.

I'm sorry if I was a
little loud with you.

You see...

this is pretty important to
me this time, Norton, I...

I don't want to fail.

I want to make a
success of myself.

I want to hit
that high note.

I know that.

I want you
to take the test

for senior clerk
in the transit authority

and I want you to pass it
and I'm gonna be proud of you.

I'm gonna be proud
of you too, Norton.

Because you're gonna
pass that test.

And when people ask me what my
best friend does for a living,

I'll be proud to say that
he's a sewer inspector.

Boy, I'm telling you.

Hey, wouldn't it
be something there,

if both of us
got these jobs?

You'd be the senior clerk
in transit authority,

I'd be the sewer inspector.

Boy, I'm telling you,

we'd have the city
running like clockwork.

You up above there,
running things,

and making things
move along,

and me down below there
making things move along.

( both laughing )

Hi, Alice.

Oh, hiya, Trix.

Alice, I got these eggs
that you wanted,

but I wasn't able to get
the civil service newspaper.

Doesn't come out
until 6:00.

Oh, dear.

Well, we've
waited a week.

I guess we can wait
another 20 minutes.

Yeah.
But I'm dying
to find out

if Ralph and Ed
passed the test
for their new jobs.

Oh, I know. I just chewed up
my last fingernail.

Well, Ralph will be
sure to bring one home.

Yeah. Alice, how come
you wanted just those eggs?

You and Ralph going out
to dinner tonight?

No, Ralph's gonna shop
for dinner on his way
home from work.

Ralph shopping for dinner?
How come?

Well, he's correcting
fault number, uh...

"18: Treats wife
like workhorse."

( groans )

You know,

he even washed the
dishes last night.

( gasps )

Honestly, Trixie,
the new Ralph Kramden's

got a surprise for
me every minute.

Oh!

Would you believe
it, Trixie--

this morning, he insisted
on making the beds

before he went to work.

Gee, that's wonderful!

What's wonderful?

He got me up at 5:30
so he could make 'em.

Oh, I see.

Hiya, hon.

Oh, hiya, Ralph.

Hiya, Trix.
Hi, Ralph.

Did you get the civil
service newspaper?

No, it hasn't come out yet.
I'll get it right after dinner.

What are you worried about?
I passed the test.

Hey, you look pretty
sharp tonight, Trixie.

Oh! I was at the beauty parlor
this afternoon.

Yeah, I can tell; they did
a good dye job on your hair.

( clears throat )

Looks real natural.

Yeah. I'll see
you later, Alice.

All right, Trix.

What's the matter with her?

Nothing, Ralph.

She's just not used
to your compliments.

You know, I've been
finding that out all day.

That's my new technique,
you know.

I compliment everybody
I meet.

That's to enhance the value
of my good point.

You know, "the sweetest guy
in the world."

Oh, by the way, I corrected
another fault today.

You did? Which one?

Number 22, uh...

Let's see...
"Argues too much."

For instance,
I was down at the depot

and Joe Cassidy is talking
to a bunch of the guys.

So he says the population
of New York City

is nine million people.

Well, I know that it's
seven million people

but did I argue with him? No.

Instead, I just looked
him right in the face

and I said, "Oh, yeah?"

And I walked away from him.

You should see how foolish
he looked standing there.

Ralph, there are nine million
people in New York.

Are you crazy or something?
It--

Oh, yeah?

What's that for?

For being so sweet and
for trying so hard.

I'm proud of you, Ralph.

Thank you, sweetheart.

I'm glad
you're proud of me because

I'm gonna be
a success, honey.

I'm gonna make it
this time.

I know you are.

I certainly hope you
passed that test, Ralph.

and I hope Norton
passed his, too.

Well, I... I'm not worried
about me passing it,

but I'm not too sure
of Norton.

Not if he's gonna answer
all the questions

like he told me
he answered

one of the questions
they gave him.

Well, what do you mean?

Well, it was
one of those questions

where you have a choice of what
you want to answer, you know.

It said if, uh, "If you were
heating your own home,

"and oil was 12 cents a gallon
and it went up seven percent,

"and coal, at the same time,
was $14 a ton,

"and that went up
nine percent,

well, what would you do?"

What do you think
Norton says?

"Pack up and move to Florida."

I'm going in and wash up.
I'll be out in a minute.

All right, Ralph.
I'll get the table ready.

Oh! Hi, Ed.

Uh, hello.

Oh! You got the paper!

Yeah.

Read it and weep.

Ed, you didn't pass the
test for sewer inspector.

No, I washed out.

Oh, I am sorry, Ed.
But what about Ralph?

What about Ralph?

That's a silly question.

Think I look this sad
just for myself alone,
you think?

Oh, Ed, this is terrible.

Hiya, Norton.

What's the matter
with you two?

What do you got
behind your back?

I didn't pass the test, huh?

Failed again.

Well, I...

Ralph, I guess you and me
is just a...

couple of hangnails
on the fickle finger of fate.

Ralph...

Don't say anything.

Don't say anything, Alice.
I know how you feel.

You know how I feel.

Boy, what a mook I am.

I'm gonna make good.

I'm gonna list
all my weak points

and I'm gonna list
all my strong points

and I'm gonna be a success.

Not gonna be
a failure anymore.

( wry laugh )

Boy, that's a laugh.

No, it's not a laugh.

The new Ralph Kramden
is a wonderful man.

And what he's done in
the past few weeks, Ralph,

isn't foolish and it
isn't a lot of malarkey

and I'm not gonna let
you tear him down

just 'cause you had
one disappointment.

Don't you see, Ralph?

You can't win the
very first time.

You gotta keep trying
and trying.

So you didn't pass
the test the first time.

There's always next year
and the year after.

I like the new
Ralph Kramden

and I'm not gonna
let you give up.

And if the old
Ralph Kramden

ever shows his face
around here again,

I am gonna hit him
right on top of the head

with this cornet.

You know something?

I did hit that high note once:

The day I married you.

( playing melody )

( blurts high note )

Well, that's a little
piece of it, Alice.