01x30 - The Loudspeaker

[bunniefuu]

Alice!

Alice, I'm home!

Al!

ALICE:
I'll be out
in a minute, Ralph.

Hurry up.
I got something to tell you.

Hey there, Ralphie boy.

Norton.

What?

I've got something
to tell you.

Some news that
you won't believe.

Yeah? What? What?
What's up? What?

Well, as you
are well aware,

tomorrow night is the Racoons
annual award dinner.

Well, I couldn't be
more awarer than that.

I know that.

Aside from it being
the annual award dinner,

tomorrow night at
the festive occasion

they are going to appoint
the man who will be

"Racoon of the Year."
Yeah, yeah, I know.

And you know how
important that is.

Well, I guess that's about

the most important thing
that ever happens, I guess.

Well, it just so happens

that I know
who it's going to be.

No kidding? Who?
Who? Who? Who?

Well, take a guess.

Well, uh, uh, uh...

Uh... Nah.

I don't know. Who?

I'll give you a little hint.
What?

The man is standing
in this room.

No kidding. Really?

That's right.

No kidding?
I mean, Ralph...

Oh, this...
( stammers )

Racoon of the Year?

I... it's such a shock.

I never dreamed
of this, Ralph.

I'm not worthy of it.
I-I'm so young.

There must be other people

more deserving than
me, Ralph, even you.
Oh, shut up!

It's not you,
you dope. It's me.

Well, that's even
a worse choice than me.

Regardless, I'm
the one they picked.

Well... that ain't
anything anyway.

It ain't anything?

Just a minute ago
you were going, "Me, me, me!

Ooh, ooh, ooh!"

I didn't go,
"Ooh, ooh, ooh."

You went,
"Ooh, ooh, ooh."
No, no, no.

I just happened
to get excited.

I'm very emotional
at things like that,
news like that.

You know the time

when the United States
won the Davis Cup?

I was away from work
for three days.

And, anyway,
how do you know

that you won the
Racoon of the Year

when the only person
who knows right now

is the Grand High
Exalted Mystic Ruler

and he's not allowed
to tell until tomorrow
night at the dinner?

You know, we got the idea
from the Academy Awards.

Well, if you'll just hold up
for a minute,

I'll tell you how I know.

I got a phone call today
down at the bus depot.

Who do you think called me?
Who?

None other than the Grand High
Exalted Mystic Ruler himself.

You got a telephone call

from the Grand High
Exalted Mystic Ruler?

The Emperor of
all Racoondom?

I don't believe it.

Sure, you don't believe it
'cause you never got a call

from the Grand High
Exalted Mystic Ruler.

He don't have to call me.

He works right next to me
in the sewer.

Regardless of that,

I get the call, see,
and I get on the phone

and right away
I know it's him.

And he says,
"Brother Kramden."

He says, "Tomorrow night,
when you're at the dinner,"

he says, "we want you to sit
at the speakers' table,

"and be prepared
to say a few words."

So I said to him,
"Well, why me?"

He says,
"I'm sorry, Brother Kramden,

that's all I'm permitted
to say at this time."

Well, that's it.
That's it, Norton.

They want me to sit
at the table and make a speech.

It's because they're going
to give me the award

and they want me to make
an acceptance speech.

Well, I...
Congratulations, Ralph.

I-I guess it figures
that you're the one.

As long as it isn't me,

it couldn't happen
to a sweeter kid.

Thank you very much, Norton.

Well... tomorrow
night at this time,

all the gold braid
on my uniform

will be changed
to platinum...
Yeah.

signifying me
as the Racoon of the Year.

That's right.

You know, I wonder...

am I worthy of such an honor?

Well, I tell you, Ralph,
I think you are,

but-but one thing that I
hope doesn't happen to you...

is that you get
conceited and stuck-up.

If there's anything
you should know

about Ralph Kramden
by now, Norton,

it's that Ralph Kramden
can accept an honor gracefully.

Yeah, but you
remember Frank Brady

when he was elected
Racoon of the Year?

He got so conceited
he quit the Racoons
and joined the Elks.

Well, you don't have
to worry about me.

The day after tomorrow

I'll be the same Ralph Kramden
as I am today.

Nothing will ever change me.

I'll always be the same.

Nothing will ever go to my head.

Oh.
Oh, hi, Ed.

I'll be right back,
Ralph.

Wait a minute.

I got something to tell you
that's important.

Oh, well,
can you tell me later, Ralph?

It looks like rain.
I want to get the wash

off the roof.
Never mind the rain.

This is more important
than the rain.

Ralph, it's liable
to rain any minute.

Will you stop with the rain,
Alice?

All right, Ralph.
All right, I'm sorry.

What is your news?

Alice, something happened
to me today that is probably,

and without a doubt,
one of the finest things

that's ever happened
to me in my life.

There isn't anything
in the world

that could've happened to me

that's better
than what happened to me today.

And if you guess
for a million years, Alice,

for a million years,

you couldn't guess what it was
that happened to me today.

Well, there's only one thing
I can think of

from the way you're acting.

You've been named
Racoon of the Year

in that silly lodge
of yours.

What silly lodge?

There's nothing silly
about the Racoons, Alice.

That's right, Alice.

There's nothing
silly about that
organization at all.

The Racoons do some
very worthwhile things
here in this community.

How about that old
clothes drive we
had last year?

Boy, did we collect
old clothes.

And good old
clothes, too!

Where do think I got
this here cashmere vest?

I don't know what it is
with you, Alice.

You always gotta make fun
of the Racoons.

What do you got
that's against them?

Nothing, Ralph.
Nothing at all.

The only thing is,
that that crazy lodge

has been all that's
on your mind lately.

Do you remember
last Tuesday night

we were supposed to have
dinner with my mother,

and you couldn't go, Ralph,
because you had to go

to some meeting
at that lodge.

Now, Tuesday night was
a very important night
for my mother.

It was her anniversary.

Are you ever gonna stop
bringing that up?

All the time you gotta
bring that one thing up.

Boy, whenever you get ahold
of something,

you hold on to it, Alice.

I'm telling you.

I told you-- If I told you once,
I told you a thousand times,

I had to go to the lodge.

It was an important meeting.

After all, the Racoons is
a vital organization,

and they value my opinions.

And because they value
my opinions,

that's why they're making me
Racoon of the Year.

It's an important job
and it's a vital organization.

And along with becoming
Racoon of the Year,

come a great deal
of very fine, wonderful
and distinctive honors.

Like what?

Like what?

All right, Mrs. Wisenheimer.

I'll give you a couple
of "like whats."

Like the annual clambake,
for instance.

( mocking mumble )

Do you realize that at
the annual clambake,

I have the honor
of opening the first clam?

And when they have
their boat ride up the Hudson,

I am allowed to go up
in the bridge and steer

as we pass Racoon Point.

Well, golly gee!

Don't get wise, Alice.

And I got
a pretty good honor

coming to me at the convention
this year, too.

Yeah, what's that?
The honor of dropping

the first bag of water
out the hotel window?

You're a riot, Alice.

A real riot, you are.

Well, let me tell
you something.

And put this in your
pipe and smoke it.

There is a benefit
that comes with being
Racoon of the Year

that is a benefit
for both of us.

The two of us share
in this, Alice.

Do you realize that when I do
become Racoon of the Year,

that we will have the
privilege of free burial

in the Racoon
National Cemetery?

Do you know where it is?

Bismarck, North Dakota.
That's where it is.

Well, that's just wonderful,
Ralph; just wonderful.

I've always dreamed
of going out west.

In fact, Ralph,
with the chance

of being buried in Bismarck,
North Dakota,

I just can't make up my mind
whether I want to live or die.

Wish I could think of something
to say to her.

Too bad.

Well, I might as well
get right to work

and write my speech
and memorize it.

What do you mean, "write
your speech, memorize it"?

You just get up there,
you accept the award

and you, very humbly,
you say, "thank you."

Oh, no.

No, sir.
No?

This is the opportunity
of a lifetime, Norton.

This is a great
responsibility,

making a speech
like this.

Don't forget, the Racoon of
the Year also gets a chance

to run for the office
of the Grand High
Exalted Mystic Ruler.

What do you think
is the chief duty

of the Grand High
Exalted Mystic Ruler?

To make speeches.
That's his whole thing.

And when they hear me make
my speech tomorrow night,

they'll know that I'm
the man for the job.

Well... you can count
on my vote, Ralph.

( chuckles )

You know something,
Norton?

You're a true friend,
a blue friend.

And believe me,
when I am elected

Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler,

the very first duty that
I'll use my influence on

is to get you buried in
Bismarck, North Dakota.

Ralph, me... buried
in the Racoon National
Cemetery, Ralph?

( stammering )

What an honor, Ralph.

I'm-I'm-I'm... I mean,
I'm not worthy of it.

Plain, little old Ed Norton

laying out there
with all those Racoons?

Aw, shut up!

Thanks a lot, Ralph!

Boy, this is truly the world's
great opportunity, Ralph!

Thanks a lot!

RALPH:
"Brother Racoons,

"distinguished officers,

"and your imperial majesty,

"Grand High Exalted
Mystic Ruler.

"It brings a tear to my eye

"and a lump to my throat

"to think that all you Racoons

"came here tonight
just to pay honor to me.

"I am humble.

"I asked myself, 'Am I
worthy of this honor?'

'What made the judges pick
me above all the rest?

'What do I have
that stands out?'

"Whatever the reason,

I am humble."

Would you come on and finish
sewing that sock, Alice?

They're gonna pick me
up in a little while.

Now, where was I?

Memorizing the speech
you didn't have time to prepare.

( clears throat )

Uh... ( clears throat )

"Winning this award comes as
a tremendous surprise to me.

"If I had known,
I could've prepared a speech.

"However, since this award comes
to me as a complete surprise,

"I cannot speak to you
from a prepared speech,

"but I speak to you
from the heart..."

Hello, Alice.

Oh, hi, Ed.

How about a little
rock candy?

No, thanks.
Not for me.

No?
Mm-mm.

Where's the Racoon
of the Year?

In the bedroom rehearsing
his unprepared speech.

Hey, Ralph!
Oh, Ralphie boy!

Ho! Hey, there!

Oh, hiya, Norton.

How's the speech coming?

Well, it's pretty good.
I got it all written,

now I just
have to memorize it.

Mm-hmm.
Ralph,

I don't see
what difference it makes

what kind of speech
you make anyway.

Those lodge brothers of yours

are going to be
so full of beer tonight

they won't hear
a word you're saying.

( chuckling ):
Oh, that's good.

Shut up, Norton.

You're not insinuating
that the Racoons

imbibe during
their dinners, are you?

Oh, no, Ralph.

I wouldn't insinuate
a thing like that.

I suppose you were cold sober,
Ralph, the other night

when you came charging in
the house, ran in the bedroom,

flung the window open,
stuck your head out

and started yelling,
"Hey, Mrs. Gallagher!

"What's this cat
doing in this apartment?"

Well, I'll ask it again:

What was the cat doing
in this apartment?

It wasn't her cat.

You had your Racoon hat
on backwards.

Well, Norton,
if you don't mind,

I'd like to be left alone.

I have to memorize this speech.

Let me stick around.
Let me listen to it.

Let me hear the speech.

Maybe I'll be able to
give you a few pointers.

That's not a bad idea.
Sit down.

Now, look, don't interrupt me
when I'm reading it,

No.
because as I read it,

Got it.
I try to memorize it.

If you interrupt me,
I gotta start

all over again
from the beginning.

Just let it flow.

Thank you.

"Brother Racoons,

"distinguished officers,
and your imperial majesty

"Grand High
Exalted Mystic Ruler.

Good.

"It brings
a tear to my eye

"and a lump to my throat

"to think that all you
Racoons came here tonight

just to pay honor to me."

Oh, hiya, Ralph.

Good.
"I..."

Ralph... Ralph,
where's Alice?
"Whether I..."

Where's Alice?

She's in the
bedroom, Trixie.

Oh. Oh, Alice!
"Whether..."

Alice!

"Brother Racoons and
distinguished guests,

"His Majesty's
Grand Exalted..."

By the way, Ralph,
congratulations!

"Brother Racoons,
distinguished guests..."

Hey, what's the matter
with him?

He's trying to
memorize his speech.
Will you keep still?

Oh!
"Brother Racoons,
distinguished guests..."

Hiya, Trix!
Oh, hiya, Alice.

Say, I called
some of the girls.

I thought we could
play cards tonight,

Yeah.
but Mildred
can't make it.

"Brother Racoons..."
Aw!

Well, how about Gladys?

She's going bowling.

Well, can you
get a fourth?

Well, say something!

Ralph, Ralph,
don't you listen to us.

You memorize your speech.

Trixie, come on.
We better talk out in the hall.

Oh, all right. Yeah.

Oh, boy.
( mock yapping )

Now, get back to
memorizing your speech.

They're out there.
Go ahead.

All right.
Go.

( clears throat )

"Brother Racoons,"

Good.

"Distinguished officers...

"and your imperial majesty,

"I..." ( hiccups )

"Brother Ra--" ( hiccups )

Well, that's just ( hiccups ),
that's just ( hiccups )...

What's the matter?

Well, I hope, Alice,
that-- ( hiccups )

I hope you're satisfied.
( hiccups )

With all the aggrav--
( hiccups )

I got hiccups now.

Now, now, now, Ralph,
don't get so upset.

You'll get rid of them.

Don't get up-- ( hiccups )
Don't get upset?!

Ralph, go in and take
some aspirin. Go ahead.

( hiccuping )

Yeah, try to...
keep calm, Ralph.

Oh, that's a terrible
thing to happen.

Boy, I'm telling you,

what an awful thing to
happen at a time like this.

If only we could think of
some cure for the hiccoughs.

Uh... Hey!

I got an idea.

You know, if the
aspirin don't work,

Yeah...

sometimes you can
cure a hiccough

by having something
unexpected happen
to the person.

You know, like
a strange sound

or a surprise or
something, you know?

I got an idea.

Now just wait a minute.

If he stays in there
long enough...

When he steps on this
and hears this foreign sound,

it's gonna shock him
and surprise him.

He won't-- it--

( snaps fingers )
Just like that.

Wait and see.

Listen, Alice...
Ay-yi-yi!

Rock candy?
What's the matter with you!

Have you got rocks in your head?

What are you trying to do,
k*ll me or something, Norton?

What are you
hollering at me for?

You got rid of the hiccoughs,
didn't you?

Get out! Get out!

Got rid of the "hiccoughs."

"Brother Rac--" ( hiccups )

( hiccuping )

Alice, have you got
the hat steamed yet?

No, I haven't, Ralph.

May I ask one question:

What do you want it
steamed for, anyway?

It makes the fur stand up
like a crew cut.

Don't you know even that?

How would I know
anything about furs?

My only winter coat
is made of corduroy.

Don't get wise, Alice.
I'm too nervous tonight.

Now, look, where's
the shoe polish?

I think it's in the top
bureau drawer, isn't it?

I don't know.
I looked--

Oh, hey, wait a minute.

Sit down. Sit down.

Ralph, you said
you wanted me to--

Put the hat down.
You can steam it in a minute.

I want you to hear something
I added to the speech-- a joke.

There's one thing I found out
from associating with,

you know, politicians
and men who are important,

it's this-- that, if you want
to get a point across,

get it across
with a little joke.

Now, I put in a little joke
that I made up myself

and I think it's pretty good.

Right in the middle
of my speech,

I'm going to say, uh...

Gentlemen, looking out
over this audience

and seeing all of you fellas

dressed up in your Racoon
uniforms,

I would like to say that you
remind me of the olden days

and the times of the knights
of the round table.

See how I get in there
without anybody knowing

I'm starting to tell a joke?

With the uniforms?
The connection?

All right, now I go on.

And I say, uh, yes, sir,
the knights of the round table.

Which reminds me of a very
funny joke that I heard one time

about the knights
of the round table.

It seems that, uh...

Uh...

Well, uh...
Sir Lancelot, uh,

goes to King Arthur
one night,

and he says, uh, "I hear
that you called for me."

And, uh, Sir Arthur says--
uh, King Arthur says

to Sir Lancelot,
"Yes, I called for you.

He says, "I want you
to go on a message--"

um, uh, uh... what's
another word for message?

Uh... uh...

"...a trip for me. I want you
to go on a trip for me."

And he says, uh,
"All right. Yes, sir."

And he says, "Go out
and get your horse."

And he says,
"Must I go now, King?"

And he says, "Yes. Why not?"

He says, "Well, 'cause it's
snowing and raining

and thunder and lightning
and everything."

He says, "However, you
gotta go take this trip,
so get the horse."

Well, Sir Lancelot goes outside
and he goes into the stable

and there's no horses
in there,

but there is
a great big Great Dane.

So he comes back into the, uh,
castle and he says, uh,

"Sir Lancelot--" I mean,
"King Arthur,"

"Sir Lancelot reporting.

"There are no horses
in the stable,"

he says, "But if it is
a very important trip

"that you wish me to go on,

"I will saddle the Great Dane
and I will go on the dog

to wherever
you're gonna send me."

Now get ready, here it comes.

King Arthur says, "That won't
be necessary, Sir Lancelot.

"I wouldn't send a knight out
on a dog like this."

Wouldn't send a knight out
on a dog like that!

( laughing )

Don't you get it?

I wouldn't send
a knight out on a dog.

No, I don't get it.
I don't think it's funny.

You haven't got
any sense of humor.

Oh, yes I do.
I married you, didn't I?

Don't you understand?
It's an expression.

I wouldn't send a dog out
on a night like this.

Yeah, that's funny.

Oh...

Bang! Zoom!

I'm going up to Norton's
to shine my shoes.

Knight on a dog, Alice.

I heard you. I don't
think it's funny.

How could I marry a girl
that had no sense of humor?

( knock on door )

Come in!

Pardon me. Is this
the Kramden apartment?

Yes, it is.

Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Morris Fink.

I am the Grand High
Exalted Mystic Ruler

of the International Order
of Friendly Racoons.

Oh yes, Mr. Fink.

Ralph's told me
so much about you.

Is Brother Kramden
here this evening?

No, he's not.

He's just gone upstairs
to see Ed Norton.

Hmm, I see.
Well, I won't wait for him.

I just stopped by
to deliver this copy

of the speech
he has to make tonight.

Then I must run along.
I have a great many
other things to do.

You have a speech for him?
Ralph wrote his own speech.

His own speech?
Uh-huh.

But this is what
he has to say tonight.

It says, "It gives me
great pleasure to introduce

"the winner of
the Racoon of the Year award,

Brother Edward Norton."

We chose your husband
to make the announcement...

We chose your husband to make
the announcement

because we know he's
Brother Norton's best friend.

But... But Mr. Fink--

Yes, sir, your husband will
get a great kick out of this.

( chuckling )

Well, here it is.

Just give it to him
when he comes back.

Good night, Mrs. Kramden.

( laughing )

Boy, I wanna tell you
something.

Shows how much of a sense
of humor you got, sweetheart.

I ran into Garrity upstairs.
You know how much he likes me.

I told him the joke.
He's still laughing.

Dying laughing as I'm walking
down the hall.

Ralph...

You know, maybe I ought to
make up jokes for a living.

I can't wait to get there
and make that speech tonight.

I'm telling you,
I'm gonna floor everybody.

You know, once you're
Racoon of the Year,

you can run for the High Exalted
Mystic Ruler, you know.

You can get elected for that.
Ralph...

And there's a lot of benefits
that go with that.

And plenty of honors.

Ralph...
Yeah?

the Grand High Exalted
Mystic Ruler was just here.

He was?

Well, why didn't you
call me, Alice?

Well, he was in
a hurry, Ralph,

and he said he
couldn't wait.

He just came by
to drop this off

and he said
it's the speech

that he wants you
to make tonight.

You mean the Grand High
Exalted Mystic Ruler

wrote me a speech,
personally?

Well, I guess that'll prove
once and for all

how important I am.

He writes a speech for me.

Ralph...

I know how
you must feel.

I know how much
you wanted to win

that Racoon of
the Year award,

and how hard it must
be for you to find out

that you're not getting it.

But there's always
next year, Ralph,

and another Racoon
of the Year award.

And you know
something, Ralph?
I bet you'll win it.

And even if you
don't, Ralph,

there's something else
that I want to tell you:

You'll always be Racoon of
the Year around this house.

Okay. Oh...

( snaps fingers )

Where you going, Ralph?

I'm going upstairs.

Norton will have
to make a speech

and I want to tell him
the joke I wrote.

He'll be a riot
with this joke.